


Emperor not

by yoku_yoku



Series: Emperors [3]
Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon Compliant, Canon-Typical Violence, Gen, Humor, Kidnapping, Post-Canon, Sharing a Body, brot3 BAY BEEEEEEE, my excuse to write strings of dialogue i think are funny, my main goal is to be funny but theres a plot here i promise
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-06
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:29:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 32
Words: 256,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25099942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yoku_yoku/pseuds/yoku_yoku
Summary: It's been a year and a half since the promised day. It's been a half a year since Greed found himself alive. Life's pretty good, you know, besides the gift of just having it in the first place. He's emperor part time, part time nuisance and all together enthusiastic about their set up. Though if you asked him directly he'd grumble about having to share, you know, everything.Everything is good, except when it's not, and when a routine assassination attempt knocks him for a loop he has to work together with an unlikely ally to get Ling back.
Series: Emperors [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1694701
Comments: 190
Kudos: 148





	1. Separation Anxiety

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to the result of an incoherent and fevered set of DM's between me and https://humming-fly.tumblr.com/ that turned into an entire story because I can't control myself and peer pressure is a HELL of a drug. I may be the one who put it together into something readable but this is really a co-written thing. Mostly outlined, this will update weekly as long as I can be trusted! You don't have to read my previous two pieces but if you want a little backstory on how Greed came to re-be as well as some foibles during their rule it's a fun time. Enjoy!

So, explosions cannot be really anticipated by their inherent nature of being energy flinging itself outward at blisteringly high speeds but Ling still has the thought, as one does when you’re in a position like his, that he should have at -least- had an outside chance at expecting it. He was pretty damn good at not letting this kind of thing bother him. Or Greed could have picked up the slack. Whatever.

One moment he and Greed were arguing about something involving...a clan hating on another clan for—as Greed put so articulately, a ‘dumbshit’ reason, and then they were literally, /literally/, being torn apart. 

-

After what he dishearteningly suspected was a long time Ling opened his eyes to find he was in the place that constituted the inside of his soul these days. That was at least normal— and good on him he wasn’t dead. Probably. He didn't feel dead. Greed still seemed to be down and out.

‘Must have been some boom if he's still unconscious’, Ling thought to himself with a note of doubt. For being greedy he was also a glutton for punishment and it wasn’t often Ling was the one recovering first. Greed was usually up and raring to go for whatever they were up against with the aplomb of a crazy son of a bitch. 

Heaving a deep sigh at having to begin what was most likely another escape from an unknown amount of trouble, Ling sent out a very gentle probe of energy to assess his situation, cautious as always.

Nope, not the palace, he could tell. He really needed to work on waking up not knowing where and when he was. He /is/ the emperor of an entire world power, by the mercy of heaven. It’s not like he specifically tried to be /responsible/, but he hadn’t even been doing anything wrong this time! 

His body communicated that he was not in great condition on the tail end of the questing reach he’d sent out and he quailed away from the sensation. He thought the other time he’d cheated death and gotten Greed nearly sucked out of him had hurt. An arm through him like a doughnut didn’t hold a candle to the all over concussive blast of man-made power —and, had he detected a mix of something more mystical before the blast had knocked him out? They’d used alkahestry too! 

As far as he knew, Mei was one of the best users of that type of application of the art. She’d set up circles and deploy a wave of the earth’s energy offensively. In the last year and a half he’d been emperor she had only gotten better at it. It must have been a bunch of half decent less than benevolent practitioners that had gotten the drop on them both enmasse. It didn’t feel quite like Mei’s but her work was distinctly more neat and tidy. 

The alkahestry must have scrambled Greed’s brain and that was why he hadn’t done a shield. Smart of his enemies, they were most likely just trying to be thorough but they had gotten lucky! How could they, or he for that matter, have known their botched attempt to take him by surprise would work so well? Ling supposed sooner or later someone had to get lucky, he couldn’t have all the luck to himself. He crossed his arms and nodded in assurance, having cracked that particular mystery.

He knew Greed had been practicing getting faster on the draw, but the ultimate shield always took a second or so. The homunculus would be furious he’d gotten beat. Even back when they’d been occupied with trying to kill Greed’s father in Amestris, they had taken a bazooka explosion point blank to the torso and been fine- so an altogether 'lesser' explosion was tawdry.

The energy blast had really boxed his ears, Ling guessed, because he couldn’t even feel him. He’d give him another five minutes then he would shake him awake. Ling tilted his head to the side with an anxious jut of his jaw and a closed expression. He knew he would require Greed’s help to fix himself. It felt a little... beyond what he was able to pull off. Mei explained that she had been trained in the knowledge of internal organs and the bones and such to know exactly how things should be placed when she healed them. Ling wasn’t so learned.

Could he go more than a few months without being at death’s mailbox, /please/? He was a peaceful equal handed emperor, champion of reform and economic growth, and Greed was ‘reformed’. (Literally?) They really didn’t deserve this. Most of the time.

Ling was tired of waiting around. “Greed, get up you slacker, I’m not doing this all myself!” he cajoled to the blackness, cupping a hand around his mouth in a call. 

-

Odd, normally he would feel -something- by now. Greed must really be feeling it worse than him! It wasn’t like him to take the brunt of an attack without expecting something first. Ling wondered what he would demand in exchange for something like this and shivered. He was not going to take the fall for one of his stupid plans that ended up backfiring again or have to do all the hard boring work for the next freaking week of bureaucratic hardship. The shiver of expected strife in the future turned to one of a dawning edge of something that felt like a teeny tiny... ember of panic. Where /was/ the stupid homunculus? 

“Hey! Stupid homunculus! I do not have all day here and neither do you if you want time to go bar crawling later. Get your teeth in gear!” Ling demanded. Normally he wouldn’t be so rude right out of the gate when he wanted Greed to help fix him up but if the idiot was pulling some kind of prank— it wasn’t funny. 

He tried to tap into the pulse. He may as well try and heal on his own if Greed was going to continue giving him the silent treatment. They hadn’t been arguing that hard before he got blasted into what felt like next week. What was he so miffed for? Ling was able to feel it just fine but when he actually tried to scoop at the energy he got about halfway there and just— stopped. It was like hitting a stone wall. 

What was wrong with him? He knew how to do this!

Sitting down on the ‘ground’ he really concentrated, throwing his all into it. No. Something /really/ was not right. He knew that it wasn’t that he was just tired or not trying hard enough, it was something he plainly could not do. 

This immediately led him to a very worry-inducing set of thoughts; if he couldn’t pull off circleless healing that meant that the bastard that was around to facilitate it wasn’t able to. (Even when Greed was unconscious or not open to sharing his talents, Ling still could tap into them if he really focused. Or at least feel them!)

That meant Greed...was… not here.

Which meant that he was gone. 

Oh dear. 

\----------

It had been three days. Three very angry days. Lan Fan had been practically standing at the palace gates and tapping her foot over those idiots ducking her /again/ to go ‘party’ or whatever the half-brained excuse they were going to give her when they dragged themselves home like a stray dog was. Maybe they would trot out that they were ‘touring the countryside’ again. Finding out that it had been them crashing a festival on a day trip had been explosive when a tale of some dipstick nearly burning down a giant paper float had surfaced. It had to be the dipstick(s) she was in charge of- and that was just last week!

There had been that other explosion as well. People were still trying to clean the rubble up in a garden. In fact, she hadn’t seen her burden for a few hours before that explosion and not at all afterwards.

They were probably trying to mess with Greed’s alkahestry (or whatever it was he could do) and blew themselves up. Then, after they realized what they did, they probably went into the city to hide until they healed enough. Yes. She'd give them a piece of her mind when she found them because it was clear to her they didn't have their own!

It was six days.

Six very tense days since she’d last seen Ling Yao. The emperor of Xing. After the first day, Alphonse had been volentold to take Ling’s spot for the time being, hole up in his rooms, and drive the country until they could locate him. He was the only one around who could do it! 

In her search for Ling she’d torn apart his rooms, she’d torn apart the palace from top to bottom for clues. She had been out every single day since she realized he was gone. She went to… Greed’s contacts. They told her their boss hadn’t been by. She sifted through high society and lowbrow bars alike, nobody had seen Ling, or Greed, or whatever alias he was going with for whatever ‘festivity’ he had planned that jaunt. She checked the places the emperor played and the places the emperor reluctantly worked. Lan Fan carefully, carefully, tried every place she thought she could get a lead on her lord and also the jerk he was periodically.

It would be better if the palace and the country at large did not know that her lord was missing. Things had been better but they were still /tense/ and they didn’t need this to become an incident. Alphonse agreed and he was okay for keeping things afloat. Though he cautioned her it would be better if she could get Ling to come home as soon as possible (please), he did not want to do this forever. He’d sat in with enough politics to know what the Emperor wanted but this was still out of his depth. Lan Fan privately thought that Alphonse was probably one of the only people to hear them both talk and actually get what they were saying most of the time. He was patient and not an only child. 

Still, Greed and Ling were— themselves, and no one on earth could copy their ruling style or the fact they were literally two people and thus were able to put in twice the work. Not like they actually did most of the time.

The only reason their stopgap had worked so far was that the Emperor had fostered such a sickly persona these last few months. He wasn’t showing up to things he did not /need/ to be at much and kept to his rooms a significant amount of the time. The personages of court did not like it but he was slowly but surely making their jobs easier so they kept their mouths shut. Lan Fan had also been making her presence felt in that if any guard or staff member thought that they had seen anything odd these last few months... perhaps it would be better if they had not. 

Of course, anyone that knew the emperor for real knew that Greed and Ling had been goofing off and enjoying some of the better parts of their position. Lan Fan had tried to tell them that an Emperor should not purport himself this way and only got the dual excuses of ‘we get our work done!’ and ‘tradition is for cowards’. 

Not that she could call the originator of the former excuse emperor in any respect. She grudgingly called him a… coworker– most days. Though her lord, Ling, would call them friends. 

...

They were work 'friends'. The type that you have to see in the office so you keep cordiality, but you certainly aren’t inviting them over. Yes.

Their 'work' was keeping her lord in one piece and how could she do that if she didn’t know where they were! She was starting to- …worry. 

Ten days. She hadn’t slept at all for the last few. Alphonse was nervous. People were asking questions around the palace, inquiring about the status of the emperor's health. Or weaknesses. Mei was slightly more confident than Lan Fan, saying things like 'they're both /fine/' and 'I'll disown them both if not' but she had been sleeping in the Emperor's favorite bed every night. 

Lan Fan couldn’t sleep at all, every lead she had was dry. She had been all around the city multiple times trying to track her lord’s chi. Not a whisper. Not even Greed’s chi poked her awareness, she'd even be relieved for that by now. They were just Gone.

No group had come forward to claim they had the emperor, there was no internal push from people in the palace to take the throne in his absence. Everything was ‘business as usual’. It was infuriating. 

They had received a report that some group or other had tried to attack the previous emperor to obtain the secrets of the philosopher's stone, but were overtaken by the mercenaries guarding the place he had retired to. There was no getting anything coherent out of the old bastard, Greed had assured her. Torture also wouldn’t work on someone who could heal all their injuries and wasn’t aware of the outside world enough to realize he was injured in the first place. The mercenaries had simply triggered the bombs that laced the place and let the man put himself back together. It was the best way to deal with the multiple attempts they had gotten. 

The link was so slight, but it was a link. That attack had only happened a few days before the explosion in the garden. Maybe... maybe- Ling had been taken after all. Maybe someone wanted to know about the stone badly enough? Maybe the explosion was proof of that? She didn’t know how they would be able to keep someone with his and, reluctantly she acknowledged, Greed's skills in any type of prison they didn’t want to be in. If she couldn’t keep them in the palace then what hope did a supposed enemy have of keeping the emperor anywhere else for long? 

She had been to the garden dozens of times to look for clues but moving rocks around and trying not to let her panic overtake her was as good of a sink of time as any. It was something that wasn’t ‘normal’ and thus could be re and re and re examined. 

Even Edward, who had gone home for a few weeks and had come back recently to check in with Alphonse, was worried. She had stopped him from trying to go out and ‘buy groceries’ with a pack on his back big enough to hold things to camp with multiple times the whole week. 

He phrased it that he had come back to Xing because he was worried about his brother’s continued stay in the country doing things to his mind. Lan Fan knew a total lie of a story when she saw it, he enjoyed his time in the palace. Going out to 'get groceries' was also another terrible one, almost as bad as Greed’s. (He said he didn't lie but that was also a lie. He lied, badly.) She kept him in the city only by repeating herself over and over that Amestrians were still rare in Xing and blond, recognizable Amestrians, that were known to be close to the emperor suddenly asking a lot of questions even more so.

Darius and Heinkel were also concerned for their old boss. They’d been in Xing a month. It wasn’t every day a messenger contacts someone in Amestris with a hand written invitation from the Emperor of Xing scrawled in two different scripts telling them ‘If they would be so kind to get their asses over here and check out what I got’. 

What they had seen the Emperor to have ‘got’ was not only the position, but more recently the reinstatement of their old boss that they were sure had been- like, very dead. 

Seeing Greed so smug that he’d found a happy middle between boss of a few chimera and a petulant teen and ‘King of the World’ was a trip for them both. Joint emperor of Xing was probably a lot closer to ‘world king’ than ‘glorified camper’. That was just like their boss, alright. They had even made it to the capital city on Ling Yao’s birthday. Most likely, they guessed together, Ling and Greed’s. They had certainly celebrated loudly enough for it to be both. 

They wanted to help the man who literally owned the country and had been making their stay more comfortable not only from a perspective of what it could net them but in that they agreed that they were still pretty damn loyal to their old moron of a boss. Saving the world together would do that. Plus, the Elric boy always needed some muscle to keep him out of the worst trouble. They’d gotten a little attached.

Ling’s chief guard had forbade them from leaving the palace for the time being, though they had tried a few times at Edward’s request anyway. That Lan Fan was a well put together person but the older men could see the seams showing these last few days. She was stressed. 

-

Lan Fan chewed a nail as she went over the rubble of what she thought had been a relatively innocuous explosion. It just went to show how bad her life had gotten that she had chalked it up to 'innocuous' in the first place. She already had Mei check it out many times and all the small girl could do was say that, yes, it was an explosion, and yes, there were traces of alkahestry. Any trace of Ling’s chi was not there. Lan Fan was shaky but Mei wasn’t looking her best either. There were some deep bags around her big eyes that looked out of place on such a young face.

Birds called around the garden, mocking her with their bright colors and cheery songs. Dappled light filtered around the leaves of the trees overhead. Even with the few larger chunks still displaced from the walkways and the flowerbeds a little worse for wear it was still a gorgeous and pastoral place of reflection. Lan Fan was ready to scream.

She overturned yet another large tile of rock and found a scrap of cloth. 

It was one of Ling’s robes. She was sure. No one else would have that much embroidery on an under robe that you would only see the collar of. 

He /had/ been here. For sure. 

Something besides nothing gave her a thrill of energy she needed to overturn a few more rocks that should have been a little difficult for someone with such a petite frame. 

She found a scrap or two more of robe and a ring but nothing else after a few more hours of moving things and trying not to shriek in frustration. She was just about to call it for the day when her hand brushed something in the dirt. It almost felt like a bug bite but no beetle or ant was there. 

It was a ruby. She held the ring it must have come from in her hand angrily and picked it up with her automail arm, seriously tempted to throw the scraps of her lord she had collected away. She did not notice that the ring she held, while it was set with large rubies, wasn’t missing a setting. 

Day eleven.

She had put the ring, scraps of cloth, and loose stone she had found in a little jar she’d kept from the kitchens she’d liked the look of at the time. It was to remind her that she failed. She had Lost her ward. She’d failed the country. She was sure that when Alphonse would be caught, and it was a 'when' rather than an 'if', the other contenders for the throne wouldn’t be as sedentary as they had been with Ling and Greed keeping them under a thumb or two. 

She was going off the deep end, she knew. She hadn’t slept in many nights. Her days were hazy and had started to run together. She was forgetting to eat. She jumped at everything, and by the morning of the tenth day her eyes had been rolling back into her head in an effort to give her micro naps. Her battalions had been looking at her oddly. /Everyone/ had been looking at her oddly. She’d lay on her bed and try in vain to sleep only to be poked awake by her worries and the prickling of her insecurity. Ling could be— No. He was alive. She had to believe that. There was no way that idiot went through everything he had only to not survive whatever situation he was in now. 

She knew he was alive and she was so damn angry at him. If he was where he was supposed to be rather than in a random garden, probably going to go take a damn -nap- if she knew him, maybe he would still be here! She couldn’t even blame it very much on Greed, though she did want to with every fiber of her being. Ling always was going off on his own, getting into as much trouble as he could find since they were young children. It had been her job to watch him. She was a guard in training and Fu had hoped a child around Ling’s age would reign him in. She had just gotten very good at tracking him down. 

She held the jar in her hands. She was furious and since this was the only part of Ling she had to direct her fury to she shook it. 

“This is all your fault! I told you to listen for once in your life, would it /kill you/ to—” she regretted her word choice immediately. The rattling of the ring and the stone inside almost sounded like laughter. 

She had not even known why she kept the scraps, she knew she failed- okay? She knew she wasn’t fit to hold her position. No matter that her battalions respected her, no matter that she was feared around the palace. She had screwed up where it counted. 

She put the jar down at her side and sat up on her bed, moonlight filtering through the window behind her. She grabbed a pillow and yelled loudly into it, but it didn’t make her feel any better. Grabbing the pillow had unseated the jar from its place on the bedspread where it rolled to the floor. She bent down to pick it up but found the lid had popped off. She groaned and went on her hands and knees to pick up the contents. She couldn't even keep that together, huh?

She had the glass jar and the lid that said strawberries on the top. She found the two scraps of cloth, and there was the ring, it had rolled away. She tossed it angrily in the jar with a ‘plink’. Where was that stupid ruby? A red glint flashed in the corner of her eye, it had somehow gotten much farther away than the other ‘keepsakes’. 

She picked it up and felt that split second odd feeling again. 

Philosopher's stones- at least the one she’d seen, were a liquid. They were full of so many squirming lives. This one was -not-. She was going mad. It was a loose gemstone, just like the hundreds in Ling’s rooms and the dozens he carried around in his pockets. 

She put it back in the jar. 

“Absolutely not,” she found herself saying.

It was not, it couldn’t be. What would that even /mean?/ 

Day thirteen.

There was nothing anyone could do. She was near the end of her rope. She needed to sleep. She needed that stupid jar to go away. She had already noted so many times those scraps of cloth had spots of blood on them. 

She found herself getting angrier at Greed as the days blurred. He’d promised he was a shield and that he had interest himself in keeping Ling alive and well, given that he enjoyed being that too. With Ling, preferably. The smarmy—

“It is your fault, why do I let you stay around if you cannot even watch him!” she hissed angrily, and found herself turned toward the jar sitting on her bed. 

Again she had the feeling— No. And if she brought it up now they would think her insane. She would just-

She picked up the jar and plunked the stone into her hand. It was just a deep red ruby, a little bit round, like a drop of blood. Feeling stupid, she concentraited harder than she had in days. She’d prove it to herself!

She felt. Something. She wasn’t sure. It was so faint, she could just be hallucinating. 

No that couldn’t be right, how did he— then, where was /Ling/? 

“You /Idiot!/ How did you lose him?!” That yell was not directed at herself. “How did he lose you?” she slammed the stone back in the jar and shook it so hard she thought she was going to break it. Maybe Ling was closer than she thought, she didn’t know how it worked. No matter, if so, if she was horribly right— he deserved to be shook just as much. 

Somehow, even though there was no concrete evidence she knew. 

“How is this possible?!” she growled. 

“Lan Fan, what is that?” Edward Elric called from the threshold of her open door. Her heart nearly popped out of her mouth.

He must have been up, his guest room was close to one of the rooms she used when she was bunking in the palace and not at the barracks. He could have been drawn towards her yelling. (Or coming to check on her.) He had snuck up on her. It went to show just how much she couldn't trust her senses right now. 

“Nothing!” She put the jar behind her back too quickly to not be anything but crazy suspicious.

“Lan Fan, you're a very honest girl, and you haven't slept in about a week of days by my recognition, so why are we yelling at jam?” Ed smiled from the doorway worriedly. He tugged the collar of his pajamas. 

“..'snotjam....” 

“LAN FAN. WHAT DO YOU HAVE?” he asked loudly. There was something about the look on her face that made his worry spike to very high levels. 

“It might be a philosopher's stone…” she mumbled, while looking at the floor. 

“/DO YOU HAVE GREED IN A DAMN -JAR-/!? He screamed, eyes wide. Who else could it be?

Her expression was hard to place as she held the jar in front of Ed’s face. His cheek still sported a livid bruise from the last time they sparred. 

“Probably,” she stated evenly and refused to elaborate.

He goggled at her and took the jar in shaking fingers. 

“A bit on the big side for just a homunculus so I do not know....what do you think?” she almost giggled which made him look at her in fear and then back at the jar.

“LAN FAN WHY DID YOU HIDE THIS? HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?”

“Ling was gone after that explosion the other day. No, not the oil fire. I was looking for clues after the other explosion and I found it in the rubble.”

“WHEN?”

“Three... days... ago?” she proffered, she wasn't sure on the timing, then crossed her arms. “I think it is Greed, it feels like him… Or am I falling apart?” she smiled, but there wasn’t any warmth or feeling behind it. It was much too stiff.

\----------

Ed left with the jar and came back with a tired looking Al and a frazzled looking Mei. He'd for sure told them what she might have on the way back.

“WE HAVE TO DO... SOMETHING- WHAT CAN WE DO?” he said in askance to them all. Lan Fan was laying on her bed and facing the wall. She was not looking forward to them telling her what the stone was no matter what it was. Both options were bad. 

“GET THAT SHIT AWAY FROM ME,” Ed said angrily as Al tipped the stone onto the floor where they all stared at it in the circle they had made around it with their bodies. It glinted almost preternaturally bright. 

Alphonse looked at the small form of the right hand of the emperor, “Lan Fan I... I had thought this entire time, which we are on DAY THIRTEEN BY THE WAY, that Ling had Greed to get him out of this scrape. The fact that it might not be the case means that this is a PROBLEM.” He had tried to be gentle but he was also pretty put upon by this point. The mask of his smile was slipping. 

She turned to face him and sat up, “I was not sure, it did not feel like the other stone I've seen which was made up of souls! It is like a solid rock and not liquid!! It barely shows up on the pulse like the others do. I was right on top of it and I did not feel it! I had to touch it by accident to even be sure!” she explained desperately.

“I'm so not touching it,” Ed said to himself. 

“Hell,” she laughed with no joy. “I have not slept in a week. I am /still/ not completely sure, maybe it is red glass and I am losing my mind!”

“Greed only keeps a million rubies around, could have been one. But also stones do come in solids, it depends. It’s not a material that has a set form.” Ed was ignored again by the others. He snorted in frustration.

“I am just... desperate for any sort of lead. My mind.. is it breaking… am I wrong? Is this… is this Greed, or-?”

Mei popped up from the floor where she was trying to keep her eyes open. Xiao Mei was knocked out on her shoulder. “Lemme see it,” she mumbled, she held the stone and looked at it for about a minute. 

“Mmm yup, that’s a living thing. I mean as much as it can be. It’s a rock.” Mei was always good for the delicate work.

“Oh you have /got/ to be kidding me!” Edward said while throwing up his hands. 

“How alive...Is there.. one or two?” Lan Fan asked cautiously. She had to know. 

Mei held the small red stone in her hands, “Mmm feels like... feels like one... and a bit,” she said tiredly, but didn’t sound very sure. She smiled a little, at least one half of her brother had been found. Mei was the best they had and probably the most equipped to know given that she’d been the one handling Greed’s and Ling’s signatures the most outside of Lan Fan.

“That is worrisome,” Alphonse said while baring his teeth in a grimace. 

“Yeah, really don’t like fractions here,” Ed tossed in, "Al, further input?” 

“This is messed up,” he said with an expression of ‘what do you take me for, a homunculus expert?’.

“Maybe the extra is the brain they managed to grow between them?” Ed grinned.

“Thank you Edward and Alphonse, patrons of your field,” Lan Fan spat from her bed.

“Don’t mention it, you should sleep,” Ed replied while waving a hand at her.

“Can't.”

“You're good to nobody if you don't sleep. We will deal with this in the -morning-. He’ll keep. I guess. I mean those stones were in Marcoh’s wall for how long? Super long, right?”

“I think your body is gonna make that choice for you eventually,” Alphonse said gently, while getting up to go back to his own bed before he had to get up and be Ling for another day. He wasn’t sure how Greed did it. “Bad decisions thirteen days in to a bad situation are still bad.”

“It is not /GREED/ I AM WORRIED ABOUT,” Lan Fan growled, furious. He would be fine! He wouldn't stay dead anyway!

“Well this thing here is your only lead,” Ed said helpfully. He shoved the stone back into the jar with the lid, taking care to not touch it, and went to leave as well. He was beat.

“Give me that jar I do not want you putting it somewhere stupid. I will hold on to it, and I will sleep for a few hours— are you HAPPY?” Lan Fan hopped up to snatch the jar from his hand and sat down on the bed again. 

“Not really. Al, you got shit to sign, I'll help. Mei go to bed.” Ed shrugged at Lan Fan and offered a hand for Mei to grasp so she could get up off the floor. 

“You don't tell me what to do.” Her face was still pushed into the wood of the ground but she sounded serious.

“Mei, please go to bed?” he offered.

“I’m the only one that’s been getting more than four hours of sleep a night. I’m Fine. I am going to be the one to have to figure Greed out in the morning," still serious, she picked herself off the floor with a small groan. They would all address this new mess with the sunrise.

“Brother you all are so lucky that Ling taught me how to forge his signatures,” Alphonse smiled softly.

“Yeah, yeah, the lazy bitch, teach me how and I promise to use it for evil... “ Edward had a thoughtful set to his face, “should have put a ‘not’ somewhere there, OH WELL you know me too well to expect different. Lan fan go to /bed/,” he admonished while he ushered the zombies from the room. 

\----------

She does for a while, fitfully. A few hours. Except she can't /sleep/ because something keeps brushing her awareness so lightly that she thinks she's imagining it. But she’s on such a hair trigger now she knows she's /not/ and she KNOWS that signature. And it’s coming from the stupid fucking jam jar under her pillow.

It is early morning and she is haggard, but a little more together than not at all, and she is sitting there on the edge of her bed holding the stupid thing. She often plays with her arm blade when she's nervous or agitated and right now it is going in and out in a ‘flick-flack’ motion that calms her down, in and out— like breathing.

She is thinking about a jaw-droppingly stupid thing she might do. It is day fourteen with no leads. 

She doesn’t know if the slice on her palm is due to being tired or not. Maybe she slipped up?

'Probably not' says the only voice in her head, the one responsible for pointing out her flaws.

(She had done it intentionally, most likely. But she'll tell herself it wasn't. She's getting to be a better liar, runoff from the company she keeps.)

The cut doesn't even hurt and she wonders if it will hurt. Ling said it did when it happened to him but that was different, the scale was a lot bigger. Holding it in her hands she looks at the stupid goddamn idiot receptacle of a jar and she does not know if she says it out loud or what but she knows she means it, that she is /going/ to regret this. But she also knows she’ll regret waiting any longer more. 

She quickly tips the stupid stone into her cut where it mixes with the blood and dissolves before she can change her mind. So— not a ruby, she guessed that much a while ago- and ... isn't it supposed to be doing something? Oh, there it goes. It is painful but nothing she can't handle.

-

The next thing she knows she is standing in a featureless void and she can also feel the pain at the same time, somehow, and something is pushing at her but not her body. It is picking at the her that she conceptualizes as herself. Her mind, she guesses. It is asking something in a wordless way. It wants to know what she wants. 

Why? It should know. 

She wants what is good for her country, and that is for it to not collapse back into civil war.

'No. What do you want for you?' it asks her.

"/You/ gotta want it," someone says.

"WHAT?" she spits. What does it matter?

"WHATEVER, DOESN'T MATTER."

She feels the pain a little stronger and the voice is weaker. 

She wants Ling back and she wants them to be okay, she wants this to work.

"Good enough," he says, and insanely she feels a grin. 

\----------

Something flips over and the pain abates and stops. 

"TOOK YOU ASSHOLES LONG ENOUGH. WHAT'S UP ALPHONSE? COOL OF YOU TO JOIN MEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAA-"

There’s screaming again but it isn’t actually her.

It's not her voice- it's a very familiar voice that comes out of a more familiar face about half the time.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"

It is still going.

"WHAT. What the FUCK what thefuckwhatthefuck? LEMME OUT, LEMME OUT, I DIDN'T CONSENT TO THIS, THIS IS PUNISHMENT. PLEASE, OH GODS OF THIS COUNTRY HEAR YOUR EMPEROR'S PLEA-

'So that is what he looks like. Ling's drawing was pretty good,' she thinks. She's a little shell shocked and it was the first thing to occur to her. A reddish face with pointy teeth and empty eyes, she had thought her lord was being abstract with his 'art' but, no, that was just about right. That disconnected realization has her quiet for a moment while the homunculus keeps crying and bemoaning his current lot in life. She should honestly be joining him but she's a little unsure on just what the hell to do.

“It’s a stress dream, it has to be- oh god /dammit/ I’m in hell, aren’t I? I'm not a praying homunculus, seems sacrilegious! I've been good- mostly good! Pretty good!? Please? I'm reformed!!! Straight and narrow-when it's convenient! Why didn't you send Al? We would have worked /great/ together! My money was on Al! Ed… naw, how about a dog, I would have took a dog? Or a horse!”

She finally finds her voice. If she had gotten used to everything else she had experienced she could handle this. 

"Squatter."

"I knew coming back a fourth time was unlucky but /hell/— YES'M?" it would be comical how quickly Greed breaks off bitterly pleading if it wasn't very sad.

"Do you /want/ to be in hell?" It could be arranged, depending on his answers. 

"NO MA'AM, BEEN BEFORE AND IT WASN'T FUN."

Lan Fan isn't sure how a thing with such limited features can look so scared, but he manages. He stopped and seemed to mull a few things over quickly as he gawked at her. What in the hell was that look for? His eyes narrowed into slits and she can feel a smirk coming from somewhere vague that isn't his face. She can already tell she is going to hate this whole thing so very much. 

"Well Lan Fan, they say ‘hell is other people’ and since that is all of my existence you know how it goes," Greed jokes and despite him not having arms she also /feels/ a shrug- not to mention somehow also unclean.

Despite being sequestered in her own body she wants to be as far away as possible. She takes a breath and doesn't feel the air enter her lungs.

"Give me your underworld contacts and then shut the fuck up. I will let you know if I need anything else." He might have another lead she hadn't hit up, or at least she could find someone who might know where the people who could have taken him were. It was more complicated than she wished it to be but the monster in front of her wasn't good for much else.

He's still studying her cautiously. She doesn't have to look at him to know. 

"Where the -hell- is Ling?" he asks.

\----------

He sort of knows where he is— he's not dead and he's certainly not connected to Ling anymore. If he was more aware he'd be freaking out about that more but as it is right now he's barely a concept.

Time is funny. 

He feels like he has impressions of only people rather than other things. He feels the brush of a few familiar faces. 

When he gets put somewhere it's different than last time, the last time he hadn't had memories. He still knew who he was, and he knew what to do. He also knew that without a doubt this wasn't Ling, he didn't recognize it, and now that he had a body again, he could fully realize how bad that truely was.

He didn't have the souls to bolster the energy he needed to connect himself but he didn't need too much as long as the other person wasn't fighting him. They didn't seem to be, not exactly. If he had to put a finger on it, he had them now again, (he felt them grasp and twitch) it was like they were sharing a bus seat and the other person was leaning as far away from interacting with him as they could. 

They needed to want for something, it helped him to focus. He was still a sin and the best way to align himself was to have a locus like that. The other person pulled away more, worryingly, but suddenly snapped into place. That was the ticket! Alright!

If they were coming to get him it had to be bad. He hoped it was Alphonse and not some random asshole that had picked him up. Kid had a good head on his shoulders and he was shrewd, they'd sort this out. He'd find out what happened in his absence. His last memories weren't very good.

Wait. 

He knew who this was. He brushed their steel trap of a mind and it couldn't be anyone else.

Oh no fucking way. No Way, it cannot- OH SHIT. 

\---------

After he'd screamed himself out because this was the nightmare that haunted the halls of his dreams, he studied Lan Fan. 

Yeah, they had been getting on better as of late in that she wasn't trying to kill him and would maybe speak to him if he talked to her but they weren't /cozy/ or nothin'. She was still full cactus with him a lot of the time and boy was that the vibe she was putting out as she stared at him. He kept her mind at arm's length, he knew better than to treat it like he did Ling's. (A total free for all.)

If he stuck his hand in that bear trap he deserved to have it taken off. Still, she was unused to this set up and that allowed him to feel a puff of confusion as well as an underpinned allconsuming jangling chord of panic. He asked where Ling was, though 'not here' was the answer he was expecting and did indeed receive.

"He is gone, we do not know where," she told him soberly. Damn. That ain't good.

"How bad?" 

"I am here, am I not?" she said with barely concealed frustration. Yeah, that was right, she would have to be at the end of her rope to even -be- in this situation, wouldn't she? He'd have to learn more, though if Lan Fan was hitting him up there was no silver lining to that cloud. 

"Mm, yeah, fair. How many years he's been gone, then? They send you the full ten fingers in the post?" 

She told him it had been two weeks and that he was a 'damned homunculus'. What else was new?

"Oh. Doesn't seem too bad. Not that I'm not like, thankful 'cause it's not fun to be unconscious, but, uh, like you can't get nothin' at all? Maybe he's just on a bender, not nice of him to leave me out, but you know—"

The look on her face and a bare impression of a timeline of the last few weeks stopped him talking. She was trying to hold it back, but the panic was hard for him to ignore. 

He changed the subject in an effort to get her to calm down, he felt like he was gonna choke and she hadn't even put hands on him. 

Ling's mind was smooth and easy, maybe not at the beginning but he'd just overpowered him at the time. Nowadays, it was practically a breezy meadow. Lan Fan's was a teakettle under pressure and getting worse by the second. He couldn’t believe this shit. How had it come to this? Actually, how /had/ it come to this? 

"Real talk, how the fuck did this happen, I didn't even have any souls left. If I got punted out of Ling I should've just like, dissolved, right? Was I just fog in a jar Lan Fan?" He sort of remembered a jar somewhere. Somewhere along the way in his questions he'd taken the familiar form of Ling. He used the arms he now had to place his hands on his hips accusingly.

"I guess you count," she said quickly and crossed her own arms. She hadn't even blinked at his change. Count? What did that mean? Did it mean he had enough soul to make a stone on his own? He had one of those? Cool!

"You…" she started and looked at him from under the fringe of her hair, "he is not here? I am confirming, he isn't in, um- here? And you do not know where he is?"

He was terrified about what saying yes would mean to him but he wasn't going to lie. 

"Nope and no, I just got knocked out, literally. The only things here are yourself, myself, and all the energy I've been siphoning! Uh, I mean…. nope… I'm just going to drop that last bit. There's no way I can spin this that I come out looking good," he shook his head and turned away from her, looking back over his shoulder. 

He gestured for her to back off. "Before you rip me a new one since Ling found out how to properly tap into the pulse we've been /stockpiling/. It's fine, it's for emergencies. Definitely wasn't just dipping in on his lifeforce. Come on, you know I wouldn't do that!" He chuckled but it came out a little funny and strangled. Her frown deepened. 

"/Initially/. INITIALLY may have did that. When I didn't know I was alive. Food is energy too and he eats a lot without my help. It's not like there wasn't enough left over to run his body. I was just skimming off the top! Boy liked naps before, you know he did!" This new fear-induced screed came out in a rush. 

"Look, you'll see I literally can't lie in here. I don't lie but I /can't/!" Greed held his hands up in innocence. 

"Shut up. Let us get this… shit… started so we can get it over with. What do you know?" she hissed and took a step closer to him. He stood his ground, barely. 

He wasn't on the ground groveling. Nope. He was just overcome with tiredness and placing his forehead on the ground had helped!

What did he know? Ling was gone, he couldn’t feel him. Lan Fan was pissed and- huh, that was new. 

"You ain't here to kill me?" he'd like a verbal confirmation before he continued. 

"You can stop groveling, it is always pathetic- more pathetic when you do it with the lord’s face. And it depends, can you really help me find him?" Her face backed up the plain fact he knew she was dead serious and the thread of hope wove golden where he could see it.

He thought maybe he could. "Feeling a curious and no doubt mystical sensation rightways ma'am!" he cheerfully said. He wasn't just excited to have something to offer in exchange for his continued existence. He really did feel something of a signal, faint as it was. He used Ling's face to shoot Lan Fan one of those winning disarming smiles Ling liked when he was trying to not let on he was terrified. While doing that he also smiled just for himself, a signal was real good. 

She was skeptical. How could the homunculus feel something so clearly that she hadn’t a whisper of for days?

Greed spoke up, "Not supposed to be here, not that I'm not thankful, again, please don't hurt me," he cautioned pleadingly. "Would like to go back to the one that's cool with me knocking around his skull, thanks. If at all possible."

She opened her mouth to ask another question but Greed beat her to it.

"No, I don't know how this works. I can guess? But I don't know. What I can /guess/ is I'm made up of a lot of Ling by now and that's a focal point. It's like when I dodged father. My souls went back from whence they came, 'cept for me."

He clapped his hands and smirked.

She sighed, it was better than nothing, "You are so lucky you two are weird."

"Don't I know it, hey check this out while I have you here. Look at this hotness!" 

She blinked and instead of the bastardized version of Ling's features he abused, there was a large man she didn't know. She'd seen the outfit before, though. Regrettably. 

She didn't mince her intentions. "Get that shit out of my head." Lan Fan wasn't one to curse freely but Greed brought it out of her with mounting frequency.

"Aw come on! We can't draw well enough to capture it so can you at least remember me fondly?" 

"Didn't you die in that form? Are you looking for a visual reenactment?" she asked lightly. 

For bodily laws not seeming to apply much in here her arm blade did deploy as she wanted it to and the homunculus before her was sweating a lot.

Greed came to a decision. He dashed forward and when she dodged him she turned to find not him as Ling, or the him from before, but herself staring back at her. 

"How about this? Ling doesn't mind!" he said with a smile that did /not/ belong on her face. Red eyes that also were not hers glittered at her.

"Looky, see how good you'd look with a braid, try it sometime!" And he was suddenly sporting a braid even though she had not taken her eyes off him. 

"Do Not." she grated. 

This was so beyond anything- she didn't know how to react. It was like a nightmare after being ill. She almost felt feverish!

"/You're fine/, it's just your body getting used to the stone, I know what I'm doing," Greed flapped a hand at her dismissively. 

"More importantly you all give the vest a hard time but I think you could pull it off fine?" He raised her eyebrows and she looked on in horror that yes, he was wearing it. How was he doing this? She realized he was answering things she was not saying to him but she was angrier at the moment at how he looked.

"GET THAT OUTFIT OFF MY BODY THIS /INSTANT/."

"What would you like instead, nice dress, oh, fancy armor?" he asked conversationally. Nobody had taste around here.

"DON'T YOU DARE LOOK AT ME NAKED!" she ordered.

He looked very abashed. "LAN FAN! I AM SHOCKED! I am a homunculus and more importantly a /gentleman!/ What do you take me for?" He was actually hurt, and she felt that too. 

"That was uncalled for. I am a /guest/! You don't go to someone's house you like and start rooting around in their bedroom!" If you didn't like them it was free game, of course. He was back to that other one, the man with the glasses. 

"I knew your opinion of me was worse than mud, but fuck?" 

She set her jaw and averted her eyes, exasperated.

"Apology accepted, seriously, yikes," he took his glasses off his face and polished them. 

"I did not say anything!" she accused.

"You thought it pretty hard?"

"You are in my THOUGHTS?"

\----------

Once the Elrics were finally finished with what Ling had on his plate for the early morning, they went back to Lan Fan's room to check that she wasn't just pacing around and running a furrow into the wood of her floor. 

They found her unconscious on top of her bed, and were relieved for a moment to see that she'd taken their advice and slept! (On top of her blankets slumped to the side uncomfortably— but a win was a win.) 

Alphonse pointed out that he'd never seen her sleep before. Edward had a bad feeling. He hadn't either.

They noticed there was an empty jar on the bed and her upturned palm had a healing scar. 

"SHE DID -NOT-" Ed crowed.

"Oh my gosh she did," Alphonse finished with disbelief. 

"Ooooh my shit she is /that/ desperate." Ed edged away from her, nearly going out the door. They both had never even entertained the possibility she would do something quite so dumb. The thought hadn't even occurred!

"Her eye is twitching, brother," Al noted with a wild kind of observational tone. "I, um, do not want to be here when that thing wakes up."

In near opposition to his original position, Edward craned his head closer to Lan Fan in curiosity, "It's like I can feel fear radiating off her, and it ain't from her. I really wanna leave, but also? I kind of /need/ to see this clusterfuck up close. It's like being ringside at an alchemy military exercise, you know you might die, but you're not gonna -not- watch."

He held out an arm to his brother, "gimme a pillow I want to have at least some protection." Alphonse dutifully took a pillow from the floor and retrieved one for himself. It was good to be cautious. He didn't want to use alchemy on her, for all he knew it would set her off. 

"Al, implement generation, please. A poking stick, if you would?" Ed continued and snapped his fingers entreatingly.

"You are just going to make me poke her and I refuse. You poke her." Alphonse didn't have a deathwish and he'd put his foot down right then and there.

"I am not poking her, you do it, I just sparred with her yesterday and she totally took Ling being missing out on me, man. I'm still recovering!"

\----------

"I just told you ten times I'm not touching anything! I'm barely looking! I am sitting here NICE. More careful than in a Xing shop full of fine dishes, promise!"

"Why do you know the things I am thinking!?" Lan Fan advanced on Greed and Greed backed up.

"It's not hard to just guess, eartails, you're pretty easy to read. For the other stuff you're practically shouting at me! It's easier now that there's no souls shouting at me too and messing things up but- oh, oh man, you should have seen this place with the full soul tornado going! It was so /choice/!" 

"What are you /talking about/?!" Greed was hard to follow at the best of times and these snippets of imagery she was being handed impossibly were upsetting her with how she was trying to wrap her mind around any of this. (Swirling red with faces and a low and unending scream.)

"Soul tornado or no I gotta hand it to you, nice place. You're real organized in here. You got like, places where stuff goes? Wild. Not to speak ill of the, uh, possibly not alive, but Ling's mind is a landfill. The brat categorizes his favorite tastes by color, it's untenable. Speaking of! Fucking /knew/ your favorite color was red! Called it!"

"Stop TOUCHI-"

"Looking! Looking!

Lan Fan had stopped advancing to explore the prison of her surroundings. "Do not do that either! Why did I ever think you would be useful enough to tolerate!" 

Greed followed after her speedwalking at a jog, getting in front of her to face her while still jogging backwards. 

"I'm useful! I can't regrow an arm, beyond me any more, but you want me to fix some of this tissue in yours, make it hurt less? I know you like the scars, won't touch em. I can get rid of the phantom limb shit too, if you're amicable." Greed knew he had to sell himself to her as something else besides an information bank and possible compass. He didn't offer this service to just anyone! 

She had seen him heal abrasions and flat out injuries of Ling’s at different rates. Her arm did pain her sometimes...

How could she be thinking about something so unimportant when Ling was still out there! 

"Look, how about after we go get him? I hate this almost as much as you do OBVIOUSLY, so even pay? Something for your trouble? I get to go to greener pastures and you get something nice."

She had a feeling he wasn't going to stop asking. "After he is located."

"Cool, fine, all in a day's work. Pretty sure he's not dead if you're still wondering," Greed had been using this time chatting to focus on that curious ping of energy he felt and what it meant.

"That is indeed excellent news for all involved parties isn't it?" The chill in her voice could freeze even the blood Greed didn't have currently. He felt her resolve that she was /going/ to drag Ling back, hell or high water. These Xing kids. Little hellions. 

"You're a good bodyguard, you know that?" The compliment fell out of his mouth because like, of course she was, but sometimes things gotta be repeated. 

"I am the fucking Best, Greed the Avaricious."

She met his eyes completely for the first time.

The full title? How agreeable. For as much as she grated on his good time and scared the tar out of him he couldn't forget Lan Fan was a lark too. 

He'd cut to the chase, she deserved some helpful information. "Right so, just so you know- Quick tutorial- point the thoughts /at/ me if you wanna talk without your mouth and the ones that you don't I'll ignore. You're a quick study. We're gonna have to talk during this mission and if you don't want to look like me and Ling, it's a good skill. See look, I'm thinking about fine leather goods, and a number, can you see that?"

She could. 

"Seventeen. No wonder Ling likes this, it is stupid and I hate it," she closed her eyes with a gripe.

"Yeah, I miss him too. Super spacious in there in comparison- a sin can really stretch out in all that free real estate, I had it /just so/ in there man..." She ignored the crack but her mind hung a second longer on 'miss'. 

Greed's frown was more pronounced on a face that was made to grin, but it didn't linger. His head snapped up and he scanned the empty space with new interest.

"Hey Lan Fan you're uh, getting poked in the head out there, you want I should get it or?-"

"NO. I AM GETTING IT. YOU DON'T DRIVE YET. OR EVER," that concept alone was enough to terrify her. How did she get out of here? She needed to leave! She looked for anything that wasn't Greed or blackness.

"OKAY, OKAY, WAIT. PLEASE? Look, I'm on my knees again in so many minutes, if it's Ed I wanna!!" He was kneeling with his hands clasped entreatingly in front of her.

"No!"

She had to draw a line in the sand right now, this was her body and he wasn't going to joy ride in it for his convenience. He was going to stay put and do what he could to help her, or stay the /hell/ out of her way! Then she would stick him back where he had come from!

"IM PLEASE-ING. This is /rare/ Lan Fan- it's tradition for me at this point to-!"

"NO! WEREN'T YOU TERRIFIED FIVE MINUTES AGO? WHERE IS THE SUDDEN GALL COMING FROM?"

"PLEASE!!!!!! THEY JUST CHECKED YOUR VISION, IT'S ED I HAVE TO- I GOTTA, oh I have ZERO self preservation if I'm not dead in five minutes I stop caring too hard- pleaaaaase?"

"Gods, no wonder you two get along so well," she spat sarcastically. She hadn't stopped looking for a way out. 

"Naturally! Ling and I have many understandings. Anyway, like I said, I'm a gentleman so I ASK for favors and this is a GREAT favor for me. Need I remind you I'm gonna help you get your burden back in one piece- at great risk to myself by the way?"

The way she saw it Greed had an equal amount of stock in whether Ling was safe or not but she wasn't going to argue.

"I am the greater risk to yourself but whatever."

She would argue a little.

"I'm aware there's significant risk factor because we're working together but also to start in on risks you're lucky I'm good at this body shit now 'cause I could have killed you. An aside as well, /love/ the way your body doesn't want to collapse at every little imbalance," he said, smiling appreciatively at her.

The pain had not been bad, was he threatening her?

Greed's face scrunched into itself, nonplussed. "Lan Fan, again, what do you take me for? I'm just saying a lot of people, like a lot, don't survive this process. I'm technically still poisonous? You got a lot of immunities though, were you just taking stuff to build them up?"

It may not have been very taxing to her body to take a stone in but it made up for it with what it was doing to her mind.

"It is completely standard practice, Ling has done most of it as well. I am a bodyguard to the emperor. I was expected to take poisons from a young age," she explained curtly. Of course he wouldn't know.

"That's nuts, you humans can die from that kind of thing!" Greed patted her arm consolingly, acknowledging that he knew their shortcomings as a species and he was sympathetic. She snatched her arm away. Greed had known Ling was up on poisons but he had chalked it up to curiosity and stupidity.

He pointed at her, "You're strong, though! Now -Ling's- body is a house of cards liable to collapse at any moment! Total glass cannon! Half the reason I had to store that extra energy is 'cause sometimes the body just up and -stopped working- so I needed something on hand to kick start it with— get it going again." He scratched the back of his head. She noticed he was sitting on nothing.

"Total fucking mess, you know he basically functions on stress? That and the fact that he's the most grasping little cretin I've ever met make it good for me. I AM a sin, after all. Turns out I can thrive on dysfunction just fine, though compared to my first century he's still the most mentally stable forced relationship I've ever been in-" He crossed his leg over the other one. Where was a door, a tunnel? Was there a window she could open?

"I don't Eat but it's like a buffet in there, get what I mean? Not to say there's not a lotta’ stress here, take a mud bath or something, girl, but you don't want for much besides a few obvious things. I'm not gonna /starve/ or nothing, but the air's thin."

She had put her head in her hands and sat on the 'floor' some time ago.

"You're the mental equivalent of a hostel with a bed and a sink. I miss my house, get it?" she didn't have a clue what he meant but she didn't like his tone. 

"Maybe that's a little harsh- dont hurt me, don't hurt me-" 

She had no trouble grabbing him by his terrible vest and yanking the collar down to her height.

His hands grabbed her wrists in an effort to have her let go. "You gotta be a special brand of whatever the fuck Ling is to be an emperor and still Want Shit! I'm paying you a COMPLIMENT. YOU'RE WELL ADJUSTED. PLEASE PUT ME DOWN?" 

He was bigger than her but someone who was so full of hot air couldn't be that heavy.

"Less words. Now." She hissed through her teeth as she lanced her eyes at Greed.

"I'VE BEEN LONELY! Wow, look at me admitting that! I'm doing so good lately, Hey Ling, look- Oh." Not only was his 'oh' audibly downtrodden but she was aware of a literal wave of sadness taking a downswing.

"Ugh? What was /that/?" she hadn't wanted to ask more questions and get him talking again but it had taken her by surprise. Was that -his- feeling? She'd been most likely feeling various things from him but ew.

"An emotion. Gross, right? Didn't like to know I had those but SOMEONE made it so I Care about that shit. It's something else you can blame him for -when- we find him." Lan Fan noted a level of steady resolve.

"I am going to be blaming him for many things."

"It's easy, ain't it? He's responsible for so many things!"

She remembered all the times Ling had put her through hell because he thought himself invincible before Greed. Ling had the longer track record of the two, that much was... true.

"Not specifically prying again but your opinion on me is appreciated! Thoughts about me are easier to catch so, oh, uh, okay- sorry, sorry, I'm sorry please- I'M NOT LOOKING, YOU'RE THINKING SO LOUD!"

She did haul off and deck him in the arm about five times before he managed to push her away from him.

"YOU'VE GOT LOUD THOUGHTS, IT'S NOT MY FAULT! Ever since I woke up in here I've heard what I can only best describe as a kettle whistle going off in the background and that's just the ambient noise!" he leaned forward with intent. "You're the type to explode inward huh? See, Ling wears that shit on his long and annoying sleeves so I'm not used to it- you know, unless he's taking it out on me 'cause apparently punching bag is one of my many duties! Total fucking NAG—"

She just wanted a few words about what the moron /still/ jabbering in front of her knew... and to know if he could still talk. How had she gotten stuck listening to this deluge?

"Whoa, it just occurred to me I could tell you something and Ling /wouldn't know/ I did it, holy shit. You know Lan Fan? You're a good listener!" he commented kindly, ignoring how loud the kettle noise he mentioned had been getting in the last few minutes.

Being a good listener was easy when one was too enraged to speak much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh the poor dears.


	2. Okay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy, what will these two get into now?

Ed idly wondered how long it would be until that vein pulsing in Lan Fan's forehead burst. “This might be a rude thing to say, and a bit late, but do we really need those two back? I’ve been having a good time,” he suggested, like it was important how he was feeling on the matter. 

Alphonse regarded him with silence and disdain. He pushed his brother out of the way to take Lan Fan’s pulse. She looked a little flushed and was breathing heavily. There wasn’t much he could do for her currently, otherwise. 

Taking her wrist in a hand he noticed that her resting heart rate wasn’t good for a healthy human. He forced his lips together and amended his thought, she was a homunculus now.

“Brother, her pulse is doing a few backflips. I know that's not medically a good term but it is as apt a comparison as I can make.” He let her wrist fall and studied Ed’s face. He did look pretty worried. Lan Fan was a trooper but this was entirely new ground. 

“Do you want me to go get Mei? I mean, should we even? Would she be okay with this?” he pointed to the ‘this’ that was Lan Fan and her 'situation'. 

Alphonse started to suggest that she would probably be okay with it when Mei herself crawled from Lan Fan’s closet (her weapons storage area, really). 

"Oh I knew the second she did it," she said. She looked a bit less tired than before and not at all surprised. She had changed clothes as well.

"Why the closet, shorty?" Ed asked, like he had any room to talk.

"I eavesdrop? I wanted to make sure she wouldn't die but didn't want to scare her off? Also, just in case she went on a rampage or like, tried to claw her own throat out or something. I was ready with rope!” She held up a bag that did have a loop of rope hanging out of a pocket. Her expression was even as she listed those terrible things and the tone of her voice suggested that she was pretty sure that it wasn’t going to happen but sure enough that she was glad to have brought the rope. 

“I also had a circle, wasn’t sure what supplies I would need.....” She pat her bag like it had lots more things in it that would help her.

“I thought there was a chance she would do it since last night, when she insisted on keeping him. Let's see, I brought a gag, some manacles, rope like I said— for sure that can be useful for both of them in a pinch, some knockout drugs, a heavy rock… a picture of Ling and one of the shirts he wore recently just in case she went fully feral and we had to use her like a hound dog…” she trailed off as she rummaged around. 

Alphonse smiled cheerily, “Pays to be prepared!”

Ed did not. “Okay DOCTOR Mei-”

“I am a fully accredited physician thank you, I have a license to perform acupuncture at two hundred feet,” she smiled, and in that smile suggested possibly Ed would like a free session?

Ed knew when to back off, for the most part. He pointed out their current problem again, “Is she, like, good- or do we have to do something?"

“Her body leveled out about three minutes ago so they're just screwing around in there, as much as I can tell. My dear brother is probably getting his butt beat. If you've seen a weather map it's like a really bad barometric wave?” Mei always struggled on how to try telling people who were pulse blind how things felt outside of sound effects and large hand gestures. 

“Explains the electricity in the room,” Al confirmed her analysis, “just touching her feels like I rubbed a balloon on me." Mei was appreciative, he’d been under her tutelage for long enough to get the basics. 

A small pained gasp made everyone in the room freeze like herd animals and look at the prone woman on the bed in unison. 

Mei took no time in jumping off of the bed and grabbing Alphonse’ arm muttering “back up, back up, back up,” in a quick staccato as she did so. Edward could fend for himself.

Edward, in fending for himself, shot off and placed himself behind his little brother against the opposite wall of the humble bedroom. (Humble for the palace still meant it was beautiful and richly appointed but you just couldn’t play team sports in it.)

"Brother, you know I'm not made of metal anymore, right?" Al said while not taking his eyes off the stirring bodyguard on the bed.

"Yeah, but neither of them wants to hit you all that bad," the coward said back, “I don’t have shame, you know this, and she likes you more."

"What about Greed?"

"What about him? Ha, you're funny, he's not the threat in this. If he could, he'd be over here hiding against the wall with us too. You're just lucky you're not good at the sixth sense shit yet or it would be -you- in that saddle, Al. I was smart and didn’t learn shit," Edward said with a self satisfied tilt to his brow. 

They would have most likely wanted him to stay keeping the palace in order but Alphonse did suppose that he’d be next in line if they had thought of this stupid as hell idea first. He liked Greed but he didn’t enjoy the thought of sharing his body all that much. He’d gotten it back recently and didn’t want it already picking up scratches and dings. 

"SHE'S WAKING UP, SHUT YOUR MOUTHS. —Hiiii Lan Fan how are you feeling?" Mei hissed and finished on a shrill too-happy greeting. She walked a few steps forward but kept her distance with her hands open and empty. It was good of her to be the first face the two saw. Mei was an innocent in their eyes and wouldn’t be a target unless things had really gone belly up. 

Edward tapped his brother on the shoulder and motioned Alphonse to lend him an ear. He did so. “Al, opinion, Leed or GreFan?" 

Al’s shoulders shook heavily a few times but he kept his voice businesslike, “Brother, you hide behind me like a bitch but you also still wanna die, I don't get you." He graced his brother with the slightest grin, ”Maybe Langree since it rhymes with 'angry'?"

Ed popped a fist down into his palm, “Al you're so SMART."

"One of us has to be.”

Lan Fan pushed herself slowly into a sitting position while the others were whispering to themselves, which made them stop again. 

“Lan Fan?” Mei asked gently.

She held her head for a moment and then raised an arm with her index finger in the air at arm's length. The group took it at the basic meaning of ‘give me a second’ and backed off. She took a deep breath and let it go, moaning through her nose for a moment with half words and something like a displeased acknowledgement.

Her eyes flew open, red and round, and a sneer wrinkled her nose. 

"GREED! AND NOW I OWN THIS—” he held his head and let out a breath in a ‘woo’ of pain. 

“Nah, I'm foolin', you know what thanks Lan Fan but we got a headache. I can’t do this shit today,” he said. Lan Fan’s face flushed with anger.

“THEN WHY DID YOU BEG? GO SIT DOWN.” That would be her. Her fists balled tightly and she stamped a foot from her seated position. 

“Yes ma'am!" an arm of hers jerked up in a clumsy salute that almost whacked her in the forehead.

"I assume that means you two are alright?" Alphonse asked, relieved. She was saying full sentences and didn’t look like she was hurting especially. He crept over to the bed to offer her an arm to stabilize herself. Edward stayed where he was, Al would give him hell for that later.

She took his arm and dragged herself to a standing position. Her legs felt like liquid and not quite like she was at home with them, which didn’t make much sense. "Nothing about this is alright. I need food and tools."

Letting go of Al’s arm, she stood on her own, feeling a little better by the second. That was until her arms shook again and began to tie her hair up that she had left down to sleep into a ponytail in a half-coordinated way. Unbidden by her to do so. 

HABIT, HABIT, HABIT. PUTTING YOUR HANDS BEHIND OUR HEAD AND ASSUMING SURRENDER, she heard and knew impossibly that the others could not. It sounded much too close, coming from somewhere right behind her head. Was that how Ling heard it? His periods of distractedness made more sense. Her hands dropped like dead fish to her sides.

“OUR NOTHING,” she slapped back. She felt Greed recoil.

I’M NOT CALLING YOU A RENTAL,  he argued, maybe he was used to Ling giving him at least second choice on most things but she didn’t have to be so grabby. This wasn’t a forever thing, hell NO, but they were /co/ workers. 

“This is BUSINESS,” Lan Fan flung her arms emphatically. The group still watching them had unreadable expressions.

AND YOU'RE CEO, I'M JUST AN INTERN!! Greed acquiesced, he was reminded of those first few days with Ling. Ling had sounded more plaintive, Greed reasoned judiciously. He did not like how the shoe was on the other foot this time.

Lan Fan was turning her back on him like he wasn’t there and he /really/ hated to be ignored.

"—and just a pot of black coffee. I haven't slept in days and like hell am I going to start now." She had been telling them things she needed for them to retrieve, she was going to recover and get herself off palace grounds as soon as she could. 

“Go hard on the sugar- WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SPEAKING?" Edward watched her fight with herself. Greed looked to be about normal and of course Lan Fan was okay. He’d watched Ling take a stone that was at full power and be fine. Still— Lan Fan being okay was good. He wouldn’t want to see Ling if Lan Fan or Greed weren’t in good health and he thought anyone specifically responsible. Edward remembered he let her keep the stupid jar. 

"You're GONNA NEED IT," Greed said using Lan Fan's mouth; which she was obviously very uncomfortable with. Her voice was a little deeper and rough around the edges but it still sounded like Lan Fan. Maybe if Lan Fan was raised rough and tumble. 

He had stopped talking when she growled and once again an arm of hers lifted to her mouth this time to mime zipping it up. Her face was a combination of disgust and incredulousness. 

She didn’t like this! It felt odd! Her body had mostly stopped prickling like the feeling was coming back to it as if she had been in the cold but she could feel a- pulling sensation every time Greed took one of her limbs. Her head had stopped hurting entirely but a new sense of it being ‘more’ up there wasn’t going away. 

She knew that Greed was using her senses but she could put it out of her mind so she did. She did not want him to be asking her to interpret the world for him so she left it alone. She also felt the dragon pulse strengthen in her now that she knew what to do. Horribly, she felt Greed’s energy all around, weaving through her own, and fought the urge to stick out her tongue. 

Greed meanwhile tried his best to settle in, every second he was with Lan Fan he realized how goddamn different it was from Ling. He really hadn’t appreciated a good thing until it was gone. She was basically flipping her top every time he did anything, her body was hardy but she was fatigued. He could tell she hadn’t slept in a long time. He started her on a drip of the energy reserves he had, just enough to give her a little boost. He didn’t need her senses to be all bent out of shape because she was tired, though he did perceive that he didn’t need to ask for them and left that be as a gift horse.

She was half in her clothes already so she put her armor over the rest and suited up, Edward and Mei had left to go get the things she needed but she left Alphonse sitting awkwardly on the bed as she got herself kitted out. “If I don't have Ling back soon I am going to need you to mercy me in a way you think is appropriate," she said while turning towards him, fingers buried in her hair to comb it out quickly and deftly putting it in her bun. 

“Oh understandable,” he commented. He didn’t ask her to elaborate on what that meant and left it be as a joke that he knew it probably wasn’t. 

"There is like, abject hate. Just kinda in here. Floating around. It's about me. It's not really directed at anything I did, it's just ever present. Please, I'm terrified," her mouth said as she was putting the finishing touches on her hair. She didn’t stop getting ready so Al guessed she was going to let that one slide.

He leaned back, reclining on the bed, “Good news is if we can't get Ling back soon I assume we all get executed so ‘whatever is appropriate’ is easy enough to promise!”

“.....fuck.” That particular curse hadn’t come from Greed. 

“I'm a little concerned that I as the foreigner had to be the one to voice that- I assume regicide isn't the most forgivable thing here, but who knows!?” Alphonse laughed and only a small amount of uncertainty peeked out from the edges. Greed felt like he’d missed out in getting in that kid’s head instead again. One hell of a poker face, even though his body language said that that possible end spooked him to hell and back. 

Lan Fan felt her hand raise.

“It's fine we've all had governments trying to kill us before. It's an old hat,” said Alphonse in an effort to add a little levity and rolled his eyes to emphasize it.

Her hand rose a little more to where it was level with her shoulder. 

“What,” she sighed

"You tend to forget the dummy runs the place until you can't find him, huh, totally get it," said Greed densely through her mouth to Alphonse. He was pleased to see a smirk in return that he knew was for him. "You'll be fine, Al, you know what we like and you're smart and think on your feet. You also don't take any shit."

“Unbelievable!” Lan Fan said, suffering only as she could right now. 

“I know right?” Al directed to her but spoke to Greed as he went on. “Anyway, glad you’re back!” Alphonse got up and moved a bit closer to talk, his shoulders relaxing as some tenseness left them. Greed knew the boy was always polite but preened anyway. At least somebody here was glad to see him!

“Lan Fan, can I borrow him for like, an hour? I don't know where Ling puts anything. I’m still trying to find paperwork—" he started to ask but she shut him down.

"WE ARE ON A TIME CRUNCH FIGURE IT OUT ON YOUR OWN."

"Ceiling cubby or two," Greed supplied. He kept having to push through mud to do it but he wasn’t going to be left out of the conversation. He didn’t have enough of a hold on Lan Fan to force her but it was more like she found it repugnant. That wasn’t a new opinion, he’d soldier through it.

“OHHHH!” Alphonse smacked his head like that made sense, which further mystified her.

"This is at most a twenty four hour arrangement. Past that point it gets bad for you /fast/." She closed her eyes tightly and her hands made fists again. Greed sighed, he had expected an ultimatum. She was already figuratively trying to launch herself out of her own skin and they hadn’t even started yet. Ling had been patient!

"The only reason I didn't leap out the window and start running into the city already is because I picked a room that did not HAVE those so I wouldn't be tempted to end it all right then.” 

Alphonse and Greed frowned at her. Al looked like he wanted to say something but stopped himself before he could. 

Her mouth heeded no such caution, "I’m not -that bad-!” She felt not only a frown on her lips that wasn’t hers but one from Greed himself. 

Thought you and me were pretty good? 

"STOP USING MY VOICE." She didn’t answer his question and instead fought more on a previous point. Edward had come back into the room after she was fully dressed and laid a few things on her bed. He’d taken them out of the things he was going to go find Lin- go get groceries with. It was mostly camping odds and ends, fire starters, matches, his canteen. Not having alchemy anymore he missed it for the big booms of course but these little conveniences meant he had to travel heavier. 

"Aww, but it sounds nice! I don’t think you want me using mine, I assure you." Her eyebrows raised and Greed gave her head a little shake. “I like feeling pretty!" 

"SHUT. THE FUCK. UP," she hollered and put her hands over her ears. It wasn’t like that could stop him talking to her. Greed had to admit a good curse coming from this kind of voice was very fun.

Edward and Alphonse tried very hard to stay still and not let on that they were barely holding laughter at bay. Ed wished he’d stayed around when Ling was first possessed if only to see Greed get this type of treatment when he was still new. Alphonse felt for Lan Fan, but he was only human. After so many weeks of stress this was too hilarious for his poor defenses. 

"Speaking of pretty, Ling's too much of a coward to wear a few of the fancier things with the tulle I've bought, whaddaya say we-" 

"TWENTY FOUR HOURS HAS BEEN REDUCED TO TWELVE."

Alphonse had turned a shade of pink that looked like a summer watermelon and still remained impassive, though he was shaking in mirth. Edward was going to choke if he had to keep it up any more. He looked at the floor.

"Ain't gonna need twelve, you're too good for that. I AM NOT SUCKING UP! ITS TRUE, REMEMBER I LIKE TRUTH."

Edward broke first. Maybe fighting her every few days made him less scared or he’d faced death too many times to really be afraid, "So! ehehehee Langree, you want hehehehehe some uh eggs or somethin'? It’s breakfast time!’"

The ceiling was pretty high for Edward to be embedded into it on one kick but Lan Fan managed just fine. 

Alphonse doubled over to his knees with a wheeze since now that his brother took the punishing blow it was probably safer to do so.

“oW. I gave you first billing, Lan Fan! Come on, I named the other one. It's tradition!" Ed said, though the only things of his body that were showing from within the ceiling were his hips down to his boots.

Man would it kill him to give me first billing, get the eggs, boss, I want protein.  Connecting up to a new system made him- them really, hungry, and on top of being tired Greed could tell Lan Fan also hadn’t been eating regularly. Why did he always have to babysit?

_How far away from me can you get because do that. Now._

Good job with the thinky! Ling took a while to get it! Mostly because I wouldn’t let him out— but, you know!

"STOP." She raised a finger toward Alphonse in an order and he stopped mid-cackle. 

Edward meanwhile had levered himself down from the ceiling with a bundle in his arms.

"Found some paperwork, so Ling dead or what?"

“Nah he’s not dead yet, so good news for us, seems like I might know where he is in a patented homunculus way. Good job not ripping the paperwork there,” Greed said. Lan Fan grunted again but he didn’t pay it much mind. 

“Good I guess, full offense but Lan Fan doesn’t deserve this,” Ed put the paperwork on the bed and neglected to mention she had done it to herself. 

I am not that bad!! 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ed and Al are taking things with a remarkably even keel, but then again they've been through a lot of weird stuff.
> 
> Al is consistently maintaining he dodged a bullet, though. Though, considering he and Greed get along fine it wouldn't have been nearly so messy. Few ground rules, Al imparting the importance of Greed not taking away his ability to feel at any point or he Dies, and they would have been peachy keen!


	3. Dissembling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And we're back to Ling, who is still in a predicament! This week nets us a double update just cause chapter 2 was pretty short!

Ling had come to terms with Greed not being here. He had -not- come to terms with anything worse. He was absolutely fantastic at denial! For the first week— he thought it was a week, hard to keep any type of measurement of time, he was pretty sure he had been in a coma. Since he’d woken he’d been hiding out, keeping said coma as a cover, and trying not to do anything drastic. 

Whoever had him was keeping him alive and that meant he was important. For now. If he let on that he could talk they might want to ask him things and he didn’t want to bring on any more pain or stimulus than he needed to while he -slooowly- healed. He would come up to listen in on conversations if he felt people get close and check on his body while he did it. It was /bad/ out there. His side was shredded up and while he was pretty sure it had missed anything very important (considering he didn’t feel like he was dying) the wound was deep and stretched from the middle of his ribs to his hip. His ankle initially didn’t feel great...but after a few days it felt better so it must have just been a sprain.

He was certainly keeping off it, since they had him strapped to a bed and on fluids. He had a few other abrasions, some dizziness (probably from being on the fluids with no solid food, and the blood loss), and he was just generally very pummeled. If the attack had been a little worse he felt like he could have literally been busted apart rather than only...half. (In both ways.) If he went to escape now he wouldn’t get far, so it was best to clam up, lay low, and learn. That was something he -absolutely- could do. 

They had him pretty dead to rights, so he’d keep playing pretty dead.

They were smart, initially. He felt a few people with a modicum of talent at the pulse and alkahestry do a few things to him that checked him out medically, experimented on him, and read his aura for anything out of place. They were feeling him out, most likely because of those ubiquitous conflicting rumors about him. (That he'd mostly started.) He kept his heartbeat and chi even as a metronome, as a week turned to nearly two people began to get complacent. They always did! 

At first he had wondered, were they waiting on the palace admitting he was gone? This didn’t seem like ransom. They’d kept him mostly in one piece, besides the stuff he’d lost already.

Two stupid guards let him know a few things in a long and roundabout way over the course of a few days. They should have never stuck him with two. Two people would always talk sooner or later, especially when they were sure nobody was around to hear it. Ling would volunteer that a coma victim wasn’t nobody but then that would ruin the point.

They wanted the stone, the one that made people immortal, not his version. 

The group that held him had already been around to try and take it from his father too so they were pretty serious. They’d lost a lot of men on it and come up empty, if the guard’s conversations could be believed. Considering they were doing their fair share whining about the conditions of the base they were in and what they would do when they were immortal they probably were reliable. 

They’d used the explosion on an outside chance he’d already had a stone and been hiding the fact, being nuanced enough to not kill him, thankfully. They’d also heard things about an enforcer the emperor had with grey skin and a penchant for tearing things apart but after nary a guard, militia from the palace, or that thing, had shown, the rest of the people in this base (wherever it was) were thinking they had won. A few people were even thinking about ransom considering they had the -emperor- as a prize, so that told of a less than united front of various criminals and not a homogenous organization. 

Ling got the measure of a lot of people who had a lot of money hiring people who had not much of anything to do something stupid. He couldn't knock them too hard. They bagged him so they had /some/ sophistication and the pulse users and various other practitioners felt skilled.

It was good that no one had come from a perspective of it would probably allow Ling to get the hell out of dodge easier in the long run but, uh, also, WERE THEY COMING TO GET HIM? 

The silence was getting to him. He was left -alone- with only his own thoughts and he forgot just how easy it was to get trapped in them without someone else. 

-

Was Greed even alive?

-

He didn’t like this thought — He’d been having to ignore it frequently. 

Something he thought about to try and calm himself down was that he surmised they shouldn’t even have him in the city anymore. They should’ve hightailed it out of town if they wanted to keep his friends from their door for any length of time. That was probably why it was taking so long! A large area of searching left them with more area to cover and woefully Ling couldn’t even project his signal out for Lan Fan to track. They would know he was awake and the jig would be up. 

Mostly he just had ample time to fill with panic. There was nobody to posture to when he was this alone.

“I would very much like someone to come get me soon,” he said to air and nothing. 

“Getting worried! Haha.”

“Don’t know where I am! Hope you guys do!”  


Days passed both slowly and excruciatingly. He’d been in more pain as his enemies had gotten the bright idea to try and wake him up the hard way. He could block most of it but he also didn’t want to miss anything important. They tended to talk more freely during these sessions as his continued lack of response made them more confident. He got some names and the fact he was still in Xing. He spent his time trying to rewrite the Iliad but he couldn’t remember most of it. He didn’t like to think about Greed, even though it’d probably be better than literature. Ling knew, or hoped, or guessed… that he was alive. He would believe it. 

He wondered if they had tried to take the country but it didn’t seem so. News was infrequent but it seemed to him that his opposition was enjoying that things had started to turn sour and would rather it seem to be his fault. These people didn’t have much connection to the inner circles of the capital by the way they talked about him. In their words he was foreboding and farsighted in his machinations! Wow. 

Lan Fan was late, this wasn’t like her. If they were truly trying to play it like he wasn’t gone it wasn’t great for him! He’d like an army, please, with her leading the charge?

He sighed, he just hoped that if… Greed wasn’t around— they’d have Alphonse running the place while he was laid up. Since it had been way more than a day or two and the country at large thought he was still there they had to have done something.

“I'm in so much trouble. They can’t say I’m not there without implicating themselves in my disappearance. That's not good…” He’d gotten too used to thinking out loud. He didn’t want anyone to get hurt on his account. Mei and Lan Fan knew enough to get the others out of the country if things turned bad, right? 

“I’m really in it now, Greed.” Ling placed his head in his hands, nobody around to tell him not to be such a sad sack. His head was so -empty-. He really should have figured out Greed was back before when he just /thought/ his head had been empty since this new vastness was so much more complete. He felt kind of insulted that it felt so open when he was still using it. That was denial for you, he guessed, ignore things you didn’t want to hope still existed for a year, ha. 

Was he psychoanalyzing himself now? That was a bad spiral to turn down into! Distractions would be good.

What were those assholes doing out there with him?

-

How interesting- it hurt terribly!

-

Alright, he was done with this shit. He’d like his fuck up of a stupid homuculus back. He’d promised him half the country and that included the parts that wanted to kill him. Greed could have the icky part! He may have any portion under sea level as well, wasn’t Ling Yao just generous? It would make sense Greed would like cave systems and such, coming from the worst divot Ling had ever been in. 

Time passed like this for a few more days with not much change, he couldn’t believe the last time he’d been trapped in his body for weeks at a time had been wildly better than this. 

Ling was in the early stages of giving up. He was firmly at bargaining. If Greed didn’t get here first… No rewards!

“If Lan Fan comes to get me… Greed loses” he muttered, “then she put him back because- Greed good for Ling, yes. Fix all mess! She begrudgingly knows this!” he gibbered inanely. 

\---

At the two week mark he was barely conscious, electing to just meditate and drift.

-

Then, amazingly, wonderfully, something slapped him upside the head with enough force to almost knock him right over. Metaphorically. 

Ling would have flung himself right out of the bed he was in if he wasn’t still strapped on it. He knew that people would know he was awake and come to check on him any moment but he just did not care. 

/He felt something!/ 

For the first time in that two weeks he beamed.

-

He only poked his head up for a moment or two because whatever he felt was far away and really different...but any pain he would have to endure was very worth it.

He hadn’t been wanting to dwell on it for a while but while his band of adversaries were honestly half convinced he was hiding something at the start of this they were now coming to a conclusion that he was not. He supposed after any other person being what he’d been in for the last baker's dozen or so days his coma would prove to be pretty real. He’d been toying with getting up on his own but that meant starting his final time clock and with no estimated time of arrival for help (if ever?) he’d been nervous about pulling the ripcord. He had heard someone talking about where to dump him ‘after’.

There was also chit chat about how the rumors of what he was were -obviously- fake. 

Even a simple piece of information could change everything! Now that he felt this interesting... thing- he was suddenly more invested with talking to these nice people. Learn all he can before splitting. If he was right, and with every second that went by he was more sure he was, it was time for him to tell a story! Or a few!

-

Rather than hiding he blinked at them shining a bright light in his face when they came for him. They’d kept his room dim this whole time. He kind of hated being fully conscious but he could talk through it, he’d had worse. As long as his mouth didn’t have blood in it he could spin a yarn. 

Ling coughed and did not like at ALL how that made his side feel but after this long without speaking out loud he was rustier than an old gate.

“Y- You have kept me down here fourteen long days and that is all I can spare. I’m a busy guy. I’ll tell you what I know. Everything.” He intended to.

The dozen or so people crowding around him didn’t react except to try to menace him, with the exception of one idiot in the back who’s voice Ling knew from his captivity. What would Ling do without incompetent middle of the road hires? 

“How’d he know it’s been two weeks?”

“You and your buddies gotta stop talking when I'm sleeping. I'm such a light sleeper you know? Or maybe let me tell you about how to keep time in a coma, it’s an interesting and very long tale…”

The burlier few looked to one who had to be a medic of some kind, Ling noted his hands were steady even though he looked scared. 

“His heartbeat was glacial! He could not have been awake!”

“Maybe I am lying, maybe I’m not? Wouldn't you like to know?” Ling spied a few scowls. He loved groups like this that came together with the same goal but different backgrounds and ideals. It was so easy to drive a wedge between them. 

“I’ll tell you all the facts and you can discuss it amongst your group! Like a riddle! Take all the time you need. I’ll just lay here in extreme discomfort, just like you want!” he couldn’t resist throwing in a little taunt, he needed to know just how much they wanted this. The more they were willing to eat his jibes the more he’d be able to throw out bait. Plus he’d been so damn /bored/.

“Here is an interesting fact, anyone tell you I have a twin brother. Nah, just joking. Or am I?” If he wasn’t tied down he’d put his hand on his chin here, winningly. 

He tilted his head in thought as they all watched him closely. “Am I even the real emperor? Who’s to say I’m not a charming body double? Oh wait, you'd kill me if that was true, no, I am the emperor, that one's not a lie,” he said with just a small dollop of hesitation. 

He was getting a little ahead of himself but keeping them guessing was important. He wasn’t sure how many people were in this base or how protected it was. There were enough people to spread a fair share of gossip and sure enough half left to do just that on the heels of giving others the news he was awake. Ling continued to say random nonsense until someone more important showed up about an hour or two later. 

He didn’t recognize the small man in his early forties until he started talking to the others. He and Greed had heard of him! More like Greed really, considering the circles that plain looking man ran in.

His grasp of the pulse was special. He knew /lies/. 

That, if Ling was correct, was Li Qiang, and Li Qiang told people about the authenticity of other people for a very lot of money! Li Qiang didn’t much care what happened to those people after he got his money.

These people /were/ well connected! Well, he was the emperor, he’d hope they’d spare no expense. 

The plainly dressed man stood there unobtrusively while they asked him a few initial questions. Ling was happy to answer those! They didn’t have to hit him! After about another hour of that Ling had made it so a muscle in that stoic man’s cheek was twitching.

The others pulled Li Qiang out the door and down the hall, but Ling’s ears had only gotten better from disuse. 

“We are paying you. A /lot/ of money.”

“I cannot read him accurately! Nothing about him changes the same, his heartbeat, his pupils, his chi fluctuates randomly! What do you want?”

“Get back in there and earn what we’ve paid or we will take it back out of your skin!”

“I do not think the others who utilize my services would enjoy me being threatened.”

“Then do not make us threaten.”

“I am the best.”

Ling could hear that assertion didn’t sound very confident. Sad! The truth merchant was steered back into Ling’s room/cell with a heavy hand on his shoulder.

“Hi again! How about I make it easy for you? All these statements are true,” Ling sang from his bed. The pain had ebbed a degree the second he’d been shown quarry. 

“I got a sun thrown at me. My favorite color’s yellow. God punched me through the gut, even got a scar,” he winked. 

“True?” said Li Qiang to the others. They certainly didn’t think so. 

“Hey, it's okay Li Qiang, we all have bad work days, Li Qiang that lives in the third district in that gorgeous three story. Beautiful statues, you know,” Ling said appreciatively.

“WHO SAID MY NAME, I TOLD YOU— DO NOT MENTION ME.” That muscle in his cheek was really moving now. 

“Aw! It's alright, you think I don't know your work? You're quite the celebrity in some circles, heard you're very good! I'm just a bit out of- oh, what did that bastard call that term?…Your wheelhouse.”

Greed was always using esoteric terms for shit, he said it kept things spicy. 

“I know you do things mostly to get paid and they must have paid you very much to be here today. An audience with the emperor is no small thing! I’d offer you tea but I’m… a little tied up!” Ling laughed long and hard and didn’t care that it hurt. The looks he got were payment enough. He’d tell Greed later. 

“I take no offense at my treatment, or you, really.” Ling hadn’t stopped smiling but a few of the others watching him backed up a half an inch. 

“..... That... that one was a lie....”

  
  


“See, you /are/ good! Have some confidence in yourself! Just took you a little bit to get on the horse, no shame in that.” The emperor of Xing was a kind man, but one didn't get to that position, or /keep/ it without some harder bits.

“I... I feel a turn.. I will rest and we will continue later. Put him out with drugs this time you PEONS.” The walking lie detector apparently felt confident enough to call the rest of the rabble mean names. 

“Yeah peons, chop chop, I don't wanna feel this anymore!” 

And that was how buying serious time was done! Artfully. As they stuck him with the blissful muting of pain Ling began to wonder what poor sap Greed wrangled into coming. The sense that he was on the way was much more pronounced since he’d started to feel it. Was it Mei? No, he’d kill whoever did that. Maybe they picked a prisoner for Greed to subjugate? Didn’t seem feasible and Ling wasn't sure Greed would appreciate the rough treatment. Darius or Heinkel didn’t have anything they needed to do, Greed would love being a chimera, the lucky dog—lion… or gorilla? That would make sense, he’d pick them. 

Alphonse would be fun! For that matter Edward too but it’d take them days to get anything productive done, not to mention would Greed’s alchemy even work? That was an interesting notion. Maybe Ed would volunteer, if his scientific curiosity was piqued he’d do pretty much anything. Greed was so damn picky, though. Hopefully he ruined Ed’s brain tissue, that’d be a riot.

The medicine was kicking in now, he couldn’t stay conscious much longer but he wanted to enjoy that he couldn't feel anything but that growing sense coming from the south. It had been two whole weeks, maybe he was cycling through everyone to find a good fit? Fittingly selfish of him, would make sense, the rat. Milking his body vacation for all it was worth. Didn't know he was looking to trade up like he was out of a lease. Pretty hurt!

Should just stick him in a jar when he gets back, the two-timer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ling's ability to be hard to figuratively pin down saved him here quite a bit! 
> 
> As long as he had some sort of positive to look forward to he could do a lot with what he had at his disposal!


	4. Hunt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Off to the races!

Alphonse found her in the barracks kitchen. It was smaller and deserted, it being the wrong time of day for people to be eating. She was bent over a pan scraping at something. 

“Lan Fan, what smells like thirty eggs? Ah.” 

She kept her back to him as she stirred enough eggs that the metal spoon had trouble getting through them.

“Greed, leavin' soon?” Edward asked, he’d followed after Alphonse, carrying more junk to give them before they left.

“You sure you're not gonna stab yourself as a warning? The knives in here— you look a little- okay time to shut up Alphonse!!!” Al said as Lan Fan turned around and communicated with a look that he did need to stop, right now. She picked up the pan and started eating what she had made directly out of it.

“You sure you don't want us to come with?” Ed knew she could handle herself usually but she hadn’t been on her game lately or had the pleasure of her specific company. He knew how to handle Greed. Al also wanted to know if he should come too, he supposed they could leave Mei.

“You will only burden me— she's right, this is a two man job Al-pal." (Greed would ignore Edward’s volunteer of help.)

"-Stop DOING THAT,” she clapped a hand over her mouth to stop Greed and tried to chew. The eggs smelled okay but she was putting them away like they were laced with ambrosia

See, told you about the eggs, knew you were hungry. Eggs’re good, don’t require any prep but mild heat, it’s great. Bulk up before a mission, made that mistake in not doing that too many times. Ling passed out in the dirt is no fun.

Chewing louder didn’t drown out the voice. Tried to take Bradley on an empty stomach! Greed paused for a second in realization of admitting a small fact that she probably didn’t know and that it made him look like an ass. Oh fuck, did... did you know that well now you do....second time was my do-over. Barely counts, I was out of sorts— wasn’t a fair fight.

  
  


The Elrics neglected Lan Fan's eggs (she most likely would not have shared in any case) but Alphonse did steal an apple. They hadn’t seen intensity of food consumption like this since Ling had been gone. 

Her silence worried Greed more than her rounding on him for past putting Ling in unnecessary danger. LING SAVED MY ASS- IT WAS SQUARE A LONG TIME AGO. The shove of eggs stopped for a moment as her hand tried to make her stop.  Put hot sauce on that, come onnnn, just a little? Kick makes it more fun! 

_DO /YOU/ WANT A KICK?_ She wasn’t sure how she would pull that off given she’d have to do it to herself but sacrifices could be made on the front of picking up a new bruise to teach someone a lesson.

If you gotta eat thirty eggs might as well have some variety with it! I can cook, you know that right? Just give me a—

Her legs tensed like she was going to get up but she dug in and they stopped.

_DON’T YOU DARE, SIT DOWN._

He switched to a new topic because that one was obviously exhausted as she continued to shotgun eggs. 

Isn't the telepathy bit fun? Ling and I get in a lot of dinner conversation with our mouth full. Don't care for all the threats getting bandied about but we’re all stressed. 

She wasn’t even tasting the food but she also hadn’t realized how hungry she was until she smelled it cooking.

Me especially, you’re stressing me out. I say this on bended knee, you can see it if you concentrate, if you keep making rubbery eggs I am going to scream— let me do it. 

She wanted to get this over with so she could go and she wasn’t going to acknowledge that the eggs had helped in any way.

You want some hollandaise? Nobody here can dooo itttttt, I'll make it speciallllll, he cajoled. It was a pain to make with the even heat and whipping the eggs for forever, making sure it didn’t curdle with the lemon. It was a nice thing he was offering! 

_I’LL EAT THEM RAW IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP!_

Eh, Ling does too. Give me a break, let me get used to moving you around- just in case you know? She took the time to not respond to him again. Shit, this usually worked with Ling.

She cracked a few eggs in a glass and whisked them, making good on the earlier threat. Greed stuck out her tongue and pinched her nose before she could react when she sipped them. Food was food but it seemed like a waste. She tossed the pans in the sink, it was very not like her to not clean up but time was an issue.

How’s your vertical leap, Ling's legs are longer so I'm just askin’.  He’d keep switching things up with her if she was gonna stonewall him. if she wasn’t going to let him get used to what she could do with a hands on approach then he would Ask. 

“If this chase goes far I am sure you will find out,” she said aloud as she began to trot from the room, Ed grabbed the stuff he’d tossed on the table while watching her twitch and eat eggs like she was being paid for speed. Alphonse stuck the apple in his mouth and used his arms to put his coat on.

Ohh fun! It’ll be a roller coaster ride, I love a good hunt. Somehow she was reminded of her lord with his tone and excitedness level. She grimaced. Greed took the moment to address Alphonse who’d been trotting behind them, “Looks like I’m taking my leave, better Elric.”

“Just get Mei ready with the medical, we do not know how bad things might be, I will send out a flare if we can not risk moving,” Lan Fan ordered Al and jerked her head to the side in an effort to ‘take it back’.

“Yeah- look for the explosions! That’ll be us.”

“-SHUT.”

“I'll make sure to leave a trail for y’all, don't worry!”

“-UP.”

Ed hadn’t really seen Lan Fan yell this much in such a short time, she was violent but also pretty quiet. Maybe because she didn’t have anywhere to direct the violence to it had to come out of the top?

Alphonse got in front of her to make her stop for a moment. “Lan Fan, hold on. I’d like to ask Greed a few questions before you… both- go. How far is he?” He wanted to give her a head start then have her followed after a while. If he got how far it was he could know when to send everyone else if she was going to insist on going without them.

May I Please, I know- "you don't want to repeat ourselves here, oh thanks.” It became a little easier for him to talk and of course he took advantage of it.

"Good question Al,” Greed raised his eyebrows to Lan Fan specifically, “I’m putting hot sauce on these, ow- stop it, you're gonna like it I promise!” He pulled out a bottle he’d swiped at some juncture during her making breakfast that she hadn’t noticed. 

“So the answer for you Al, is; I don't know! Funny enough! Well, I know he’s in -that direction-” Greed pointed right and Lan Fan’s arm only shook with a light tremor. 

“Gut, I don't have one really, but you get it, you humans and your language. Anyway, gut feeling is north-ish, so I guess the mountains. Even though this—” he used that same arm pointing right to point at Lan Fan in direct reference to her and took a sip of the eggs he’d dumped sauce into “-is hell for me, see isn't this good? OW. Lan Fan’s sense is helping a ton."

He flinched but his stance looked more cocky the longer he spoke.

“Money says mountain cave, probably! Near a supply road based on my extremely good hunch, which as a disclaimer is not great but it’s all we got!” he grinned widely and that expression looked odd as hell on her.

"Hunches are good, Ling uses 'em all the time, been meaning to see these mountains I own sometime, so field trip!” He’d been visibly using more of Lan Fan’s body during the explanation, it looked like it was getting easier to him. 

Greed stopped short and squinted in the middle of the hallway. “Lan Fan- I’m used to Ling doing that so save us both the headache, no literally, it just gives us a headache," he rubbed a temple with a thumb and looked at something the two brothers couldn’t see. 

“O....okay... so uh- this one is for Lan Fan- how many grenades you want for the bag we are packing you?” Alphonse delicately proffered. 

“HOW. MANY. FIT IN THE BAG.” 

Greed had stopped commandeering her limbs the second Alphonse asked her the question but she still yanked them forward angrily. 

“Alright, new question: how many bags you want?” Ed asked, while doing a few mental calculations. 

"Just get the big one under her bed and dump the novels out of it- YOU WERE THINKING IT, IT'S A GOOD BAG. Oh so /what/ about the novels some of those are good reads! WE NEED FREE HANDS, WE NEED A BIG BAG. BIG BAG, LAN FAN, LETS GO, LETS GO, EAT YOUR EGGS." Greed cheered. They had sped up again to meet Mei who was a minute or two’s jog away and probably waiting for them. He always felt better after a pre-mission meal. 

“Do not drag on me with ‘Let’s go’! I am the one who wanted to leave a half hour ago!”

"Yo Al, put some trail mix in the bag too. I know you got some in your coat, don't hide it. She’s fighting me- knock it off, I’m eating these eggs. We don't waste food in this palace," Greed twitched a few times but that was it as he spoke to her.

They opened a side door to find Mei sitting on a bed with a bag that looked almost packed. Ed shoved a few things in there and Alphonse reluctantly took the mix out of his coat and placed it in the bag as well while shooting Lan Fan a sour look.

“I put some cookies in the bag for you! I also put one of my kunai in the side pouch, make it hurt,” Mei said cheerily. Xiao Mei looked at Lan Fan like she’d never seen her before but crawled closer from Mei’s lap to sniff her.

Greed dumped the rest of the horrid eggs in Lan Fan’s mouth, "You're gonna strike me dead on this but Ling was better at fighting me. I’d never be rude, guest, but you're eating these, you'll thank me later.” Pretty much all the hesitation he had been exhibiting while he tried to pilot Lan Fan around was gone. 

“Aw, you're a sweet thing, Mei. Come give Greed a hug. I'm gonna drag back our worser half. Lan Fan, once again, not trying to overstep, but I’m giving Mei a hug I don't care if you kill me." He threw her arms open and Mei stepped into them. Lan Fan didn’t fight him on that.

“IS THAT YOUR LUCKY KUNAI? I'M HONORED,” he crowed as he spied a familiar hilt sticking out of a side pocket on the lumpy bag from over her shoulder.

“N-ever misses,” she said with eagerness as Greed squeezed her tight.

“Has the little Xiao Mei engraved on the hilt, aww, I’ll clean it for you before I give it back,” he looked at her face with a doting expression. 

“You better. Go get him,” she ordered with half a pout. That was all that needed to be said about her thoughts on the state of her brother. 

“Course, be ready for us when we come back! Mei, gotta say, you are one of my most favoritest jewels in the crown and if anything ever happened to you I would lay waste to the countryside worse than my dad. Now! We gotta go to work so be goo-... hmmm .. be whatever you want. I’m not a cop. Be back later, hopefully without a corpse!” his voice which had been airy faltered on the last bit of his sentence. “Lan Fan? Anything to add?” he stopped moving and Lan Fan tiredly took up looking at Alphonse again. He was in supervision when she wasn’t home. 

“If I am not back within twenty four hours assume I am dead.” Her entire body went stiff. “HEY. HEY. NO! -please come after us after a half a day? I like being alive? See ya soon!” Greed interrupted her halfway through her declaration, full of anxiety. Very funny joke! 

He stepped forward on light feet to ruffle Mei’s hair. After saying bye to her, he shot Edward a stout eyeball and Ed gave it right back to him. Alphonse he waved to once. When he was done he fell backwards out of the window sill he’d already sat on like a diver. Ed even caught him holding his nose, he looked to the empty bed and started.

“Greed! Your bag!?” He picked it up, damn did it weigh a ton, and shoved it halfway out of the window on the sill. Two voices shouted ‘TOSS IT!’; one right after another from a lower rooftop in the early morning light. Ed did and they did catch it.

“OOF- WHAT YOU PACK AN ARMORY? Eh I carried worse, well actually if Lan Fan is to go by we carry Ling all the time— shoot, that's like carrying a buncha grapes.” He looped the bag strap around a shoulder and it bumped to rest at her hip. “HOPEFULLY I'LL BE IN BETTER COMPANY NEXT TIME I SEE YA, oh don't give me that look- you hate this too. Alright, ladies first,” he pumped a final fist in the air after rebuking her for a supposed 'look' and then gestured a demure ‘after you’ to their team leader. 

She took off like a bullet across the rooftops, her feet barely leaving a sound even in full armor and with the heavy bag. He was used to this type of gait from Ling but it was even smoother. 

"Smell and find, spot." she said as the window they had left became a pinprick in seconds.

He tapped the feeling that hadn't gone away this entire time for a more clear direction. Don't appreciate that, uhhh... hit your three a.m. and keep it at eighty percent of what you're going at. It’s a ways, don’t wanna burn out early. 

A note of confusion. 

.... top right and slow down... 

They made it out of the grounds in record time, Greed had been keeping score. The blue dawn light touched the buildings gently and there wasn't much noise besides the sleepy bustle of the city and the even breath of Lan Fan very close.

If you can hop a train or something that’ll work even better. Ling said you used to do that a bunch back in the day? Hitch a ride until we gotta run.  Why run when you don't have to? 

She did turn towards the station and while she did so the dragon's pulse opened like a flower around her. She wanted to check if anyone had followed her. 

Hoo boy, forgot this pulse stuff is handy, damn. With Ling's it's like looking through a bucket of grease in comparison. Looks like I'll have something to berate him onnnnnn- besides you know, everything else. 

She didn't say anything to him but he knew she was listening. In the interest of cooperation he didn't twitch while she traveled except to try and feel if that signal he had a hold on had gotten any closer.

Crawling on the tops of a few trains, she looked for one that was going to leave soon.

Greed didn't take direct control but expressed that she should pump the breaks when she lit on top of a gold and black one.

Take this one up for a while, we're on the right track. Hahaha, train humor. 

The train pulled from the station with a whistle after a small wait. Lan Fan thumped her bag and herself down and shut her eyes at the sunrise. Why pay for a ticket when she did not have to? To be honest she did not want to look at anyone else commuting right now as well. It would be better if people didn’t see her coming or going, she would err on caution. 

Ling woulda busted a gut on that, tough crowd.  Greed muttered at her continued lack of input. 

"I have a question." Never mind! Possible input incoming?

OH, SHOOT! 

"Do you...ever, EVER stay quiet?

No!  And somehow she saw a flash of teeth and a wink.  Ling taught me that! He taught me a lot of shit and one thing I learned is I like to run my mouth. Can’t have someone else out-talking me and Ling talks a -lot-. We're competitive, it's a riot. You think this is bad you should see the cutting room floor bits that don't make it to his actual mouth face.  The sun had risen and the buildings were thinning out from the crunch of the inner city. Enjoyment from the sun on her head wasn't coming from her. 

Part of the reason I was screaming when I woke up is I haven’t heard silence in years- I forgot what it sounded like. Thought I went deaf for a minute. Then I heard a bunch of shit like 'cannot fathom why I was so STUPID', and 'ow this hurts!' so I knew it wasnt Ed, cause he doesn't think he’s stupid. I dont think he has the concept of thinking he's dumb as hell? So I thought it was Al, which, we wouldn't have been able to clear the kinda' ground we are or had a big upgrade in the Ling location team. He referenced her skills in a bulleted list and she had been feeling a poke at her senses that concerned the pulse. 

So thanks for pulling a me or Ling and making an impulsive rash decision with that ‘odd ruby’. Best bad decision you could’ve made! Promise! He was being absolutely genuine, here.

She felt a bright sensation that wasn't the sun and scowled. "If I sit on top of this train until we cannot and eat this trail mix will you be quiet?"

It had only been a few hours but the eggs were already a distant memory.

Not gonna lie, probably not! But you’ll get to eat trail mix so I’d say go for it! Don’t know how much not-moving we’ll be doing after this so enjoy the break. Is it the kind with the cranberries, oh, Al remembered I like those fuck yes. It's the little things, right Lan Fan?  An elbow to her rib, though nothing had touched it.

She watched the scenery fly by and emptied her mind. Greed's comments became background noise to the racket the train was making. They were in the outskirts properly, she began to see fields. 

A slightly louder question he wanted her to hear brought her back.

Hmmmm, a thought. S hould we have brought food for Ling? I know you know we know how he is without food. 

Her arms had been busy digging through her bag. She hadn't even noticed. That should have worried her more. 

OH FOUND A CARE PACKAGE, Al you really are the best. It was a big lunch wrapped up to go.

She blanched as he clumsily ran her fingers on a few black items at the bottom of the bag that were under the lunch.

"WATCH THE GRENADES THOSE HAVE HAIR TRIGGERS,” she intoned loudly, a ring of alarm to it. 

She didn't have to pull her limbs from his influence, she intended and he eased off in equal amounts in a split second.

OOP BUP BUP BUP, THANKEE KINDLY! 

Her fingers quailed away from the bag and flicked back and forth with agitation. 

"If you're GOING to take my hands stop being SO CLUMSY?"

Figured you'd say boo if you didn't want me to. I'm trying to get used to the arm. It's a real medical marvel. 

Her automail arm flexed it's fingers a few times and touched each one to her palm in a sequence.

I got good diggin' hands. I make quick work of inventory, don’t worry. Man those alchemists know how to pack a dense bag. Ain't that sweet, home made rice balls? Maybe Ling only needs thirteen and not fourteen, wanna try one?

She used her automail to slap at her other hand so he'd feel it. 

Ah! OKAY. More snacks for Ling and me later. 

Now that the bag had been inventoried he relaxed.

Hey Lan Fan how much you wanna bet they calculated like, the -exact- number of grenades that would fit in the bag? With like, volume calculations or some shit? Beautiful nerds. 

He closed it up and she went to a pocket on her side. He had noticed she'd been doing that every few seconds or so but didn't pay much attention. There'd been a big bag of shit to look at. She'd been taking a blue bead from the bag in her pocket and dropping it off the side. Clever clever.

Bread crumbs Gretel, very nice. Simple but effective, I’m into it. Or, I can be Gretel sounds like Greed anyway. You can be Hansel, stop making the angry. 

It wasn't anger, but a more nuanced frustration. 

"I have no idea what you are saying, ever."

Eh feels similar when Ling talks and that was when he was speaking my language before I learned Xingese. I'm always open to clarify if you ask me. Speaking of learning, can I borrow your calligraphy lessons? You aint usin' them. Ling's handwriting is garbage. 

She felt a questing probe in her mind and jumped an inch off the roof of the train. 

I'll put 'em back!!!? 

_SHOVE OFF._

Touchy! The hell’re you gonna do with them on the train anyways, ridiculous. I'm a visual learner, sue me. 

They were not his to take...borrow!

AY, YOU WANT MATH? Trade?  Greed still wasn't getting the concept that it wasn't in the spirit of fairness that she clamped down and balled up. Even when Ling was feeling him out he'd never repressed everything? Had he grown spoiled? He was tromping around somewhere unfamiliar and he had to respect that. He'd gotten used to a lot over the last few years. 

Lan Fan felt Greed back off and the small dip in energy she directly felt after were suspiciously timed. She felt bone tired and wanted more of that coffee, she'd drank too many eggs and left too quickly to remember to have it.

This craving for premium mud isn't from me? You like coffee? 

Greed had been pensive but that whetted his interest. Lan Fan tried to decide if the correct word was 'Like' or 'Need' at this point distractedly.

I interpret the word as 'want' because that's how I interpret most things. You're a regular coffee drinker and now we share something in common that ain't Ling. Shoulda' told me, we can peer pressure him into drinking it when I'm not forcing it into him. 

"It would be more of a benefit to me if I /did not/. He is energetic enough without outside stimulus," she complained. The fields had relinquished themselves to woods but she'd seen by the map that this train had a few more stops. She’d like more of that mysterious stimulus she didn’t realize she’d been getting now if it was what she suspected it was. 

But I misssssss itttttt. 

"It means I get a whole hour of time to myself every morning when I do not have to worry about him sneaking off because he is so lethargic." She knew exactly where Greed had picked up that wheedling tone and didn't appreciate it at all. She felt a little more awake than a moment before as she felt him wax a degree closer to fuss familiarly. 

Coulda just asked me? 

"Not to sneak off??"

Maybe if you said please? 

"Have I not already asked that?? Are you going to claim I haven’t asked that -many times-?? Oh fuck off!"

I OWE YOU BIG NOW! I missed the sun and eating raw eggs! And you know, Ling, I guess. 

Her shoulders bobbed up then down and settled stiffly to hunched again.

-

She’d been staring straight ahead since the train left the station. It was gonna be a long while until the mountains got any closer. Greed had liked looking at them for the first ten or so minutes, sure, but it’d be nice to look at- like, anything else. He was well acquainted with the city and even a few miles outside the limits a few times. This, though, this was a lot of ground, and DAMN it was ripping away fast. He was of course still worried but holy shit this thing really just fucking /went/, didn’t it?

Hey! Could ya do me a favor and stop starin’ ahead? 

She wasn’t listening. 

Greed was around for the invention of trains and cars but being on top of one, wind whipping around hair, the whistle, that was something! He had seen the city and the outskirts pull away in no time flat and then, then- the country at large just opening and opening. Huh, it kind of struck him, he was kinda in charge of all this. Numbers on paper failed to illustrate scale.

He carefully turned her eyes, she’d been staring into the middle distance anyway. When that went off without a hitch, he shifted her whole top half at an angle. Yes! That was what he wanted to see! The countryside tore away, and the farther away he looked the slower it went by. There was a lot of green! Postcard shot! Lan Fan kinda harshed the pretty picture by being mad in the background.

Looking to the side will not make the train slower and I /did/ say something, you weren’t listening! 

She grunted but it was lost in the buffer of the wind to his ears, though he got the feeling clear enough. It did not mean that he didn't immediately drag her more to the side of the vehicle. 

“LET’S LOOK AT THE GROUND RIGHT BY THE TRACKS! OH SHIT LOOK AT IT GO!” he had to yell pretty loud to hear himself muffled over the air stream, especially as he craned her head over the side.

“HOLLLYYYY SHIIIIT!”

Lan Fan went straight to irate with him the moment he’d turned her head but didn’t want to accidentally throw them both over the side if she fought him now. She waited until he’d jerked her head back up to sit more near the middle of the roof after enthusiastically screaming about trees and rocks for a time. 

She was not here to see the sights and point like a schoolchild at things. She was here to go get her lord.

Greed squirmed apologetically at her displeasure and also at her doing this alone.  If you went without me to get him I would have been...not happy! 

"I can easily live with you not being happy, and just think, if you had not slipped off /again/ in the first place, we would not have to be doing this."

She got a snippet that while he'd been terrified at the start he'd liked the train and pushed it away. She didn't care what he liked.

In my defense it was still palace grounds. That should not count. 

"Given you’d slipped off I assume your aim was to leave those grounds as soon as possible," her eyes narrowed.

Was GONNA go look at the FISH. And go over PAPERWORK. IN A GARDEN. THANK YOU. 

"And you needed privacy for your fish watching /so badly/ did you?" She busied herself with polishing her arm blade, she hadn't gotten around to it this morning for obvious reasons. 

I can't write with people starin' at me. Ling don't count. 

"A miracle you have gotten anything done then," her blade gleamed but she took a sharpener and ran it in even strokes as the train jostled her back and forth. Greed watched her movements, she felt his attention.

Right? Need I remind I've been quite the asset to Xing, not that I'm keeping score... oh wait, yes I am. 

"Then hopefully next time you’ll remember that all your 'hard work' means….

Jack Shit 

...that. If you die before it gets implemented. I would have hoped you had learned a lesson from this but it is the definition of naive to think this event will change anything about how you two conduct yourselves." She wrinkled her nose at the unfamiliar term and put her tools away, inspecting her blade for imperfections in the light. 

Greed studied her blade through her eyes. Top shelf craftsmanship and lovingly taken care of. The girl may not own many things but the ones she had were neat as a pin. He'd noticed all the things in her bag that were hers were of a similar quality. 

No, I'm going to mangle Ling for not being careful. As much as we're having just... an absolutely rollicking romp... I would like to go /cause/ mayhem not clean up and get our boy.  Probably have to fix whatever pickle he got into while I was out!-

"How courteous of you to realize fixing your mishaps IS NOT bushels of fun," she deadpanned.

I'm learning!  he said lightly.  Perspective changes can be illuminating like that. Look at me, I’m already considering changing my ways! I like helping you Lan Fan, a lot of my self esteem is bundled into how people perceive me and since I can literally see how you do I'm very motivated! Best to just admit certain things plainly. 

"Are you an animal?"

Well- I’m not human so depends on your categorization! Might be a mineral for all I know. 

"Is that why you ended up betraying your... other homunculi? Did the lord neg you to death until you felt bad?" she had meant it to be a jab but felt a wishy-washy nod in return.

Didn’t need ta' I was already gunning to throw them under the bus from the get go! Negging just moved it along faster. You’ve seen how Ling deals with his relations, we had some common ground to bond over. 

"Yes I did see. He would not let me take care of many of his problems, with the appropriate finality they deserved." Now those were some older wounds. 

You've always been the proactive one, Lan Fan. You caught me which ain't no easy thing to do. And believe me I've nosed around with the brat's previous dealings to know that proactivity helped. I'm pretty proactive, too. 

Lan Fan saw a flash of words and/or claws (both were cutting) taking care of some of Ling's more sticky problems and a cackle accompanied it.

“My lord has always been the type to sit around unless he has to and have the world move for him and somehow the world enables him.” She understood that he understood it from a perspective of seeing him do it in the past as a third party as well as the present. This whole thing was so convoluted. 

It’s freakish. He wants a stone so bad and practically gets one given on a silver platter. Still, bold of him to put it where nobody can get it. I'll give him that. You know, twice. 

There was a moment of silence that wasn’t charged with tension and Greed chased it off with immediately wanting to ask a question. 

So, not to bring it up too fast but did you want to try out the shield at all? I'm not poking, I swear, but I can tell you thought about it and I don't blame you— it's one of my better perks. Makes for a hell of an entrance.  He paused as a concept struck him.  Just imagine Ling's /face/ seeing -that- coming to get him... oh my checking account, please, we have to do this I'm begging again and I don’t give a damn. 

“Are you done? Why don't you take a nap? Now." she sniffed. She knew he and Ling could do it independently so there was no reason why Greed couldn’t with her. 

He set aside asking again for later, that hadn’t been a /no/.  I was basically sleeping for two weeks I’m good- 

"Take. A. Nap."

Okay, taking a nap! 

She shivered as she then felt the most odd feedback yet, like her brain was drifting half asleep. It was all pins and needles like a limb pinched from disuse or the feeling she'd get from her arm periodically. But, there was also blessed silence. She spent the rest of the train ride resorting her weapons and thinking about how she was going to use each one to distract her. Each time the train stopped she'd leave more beads. She also bought a lunch or three. She'd not shirk Ling his snacks as much if this was what it was like.


	5. Marathon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one's called marathon for a lot of reasons! One is that it is HUGE! Didn't intend that when I was writing but it is how these things go! We have a lot of explanations this chapter, how things work, some background, motivations and other such things. Enjoy! As Always!

Now Lan Fan knew why they mostly stayed awake, half dead brain didn’t feel amazing. She'd slowly gotten used to it but it was like an itch she couldn’t scratch. The train was edging into the last leg of the journey before it changed tracks and they needed to get off now unless they wanted to go through an intermittent tunnel system for the next few hours. They were at the foot of the mountains now and she sadly needed her compass up and chattering again. She’d enjoyed the peace but she had also been thinking much too much with nothing else to hold her interest. 

“Greed.” She didn’t have anything to shake awake but the homunculus was always around when she rarely spoke his name.

She felt him startle.  HUH, WAZZAT? OH FUCK— I DIDN'T DREAM THIS?  There was the feeling of a jolt as he woke but it quickly gave itself over to him disgustingly being pleased. Over -what?-.  Heya Lan Fan, nice of you to stick around! 

“End of the line. Where?” She was not going to humor that paltry ‘joke’. He followed her vision and saw the high shelves of the mountains stretching in long grey-green lines ahead of them. 

Hmmmmm still right but... more right, right. 

“Why do I even have a compass if all he does is give me one word answers? Terrible directions.” She was already leaping from the moving train. Tucking her body around her bag she ducked and rolled, hitting the dirt and spinning a few times until she came to a stop when the train took a corner and had to slow down. 

Fantastic duck and roll there we go, you're good at this, don’t forget the beads. I'm not ordering, I'm just reminding. Ling forgets shit constantly. 

Lan Fan missed when her mind felt like it was half shrouded in cotton already.

I can do beads if you want just give me a hand to myself— Her automail clenched but she looked straight at it and stared until it stopped. He’d been favoring that arm. 

Ehhh fine just offering, you should get in the habit for it, you're gonna have to share sooner or later! 

Lan Fan did not want to sooner /or/ later. She took off into the treeline that was a few dozen yards from the tracks, really in her element. Picking one that looked nicely climbable to get up into the canopy she stopped at its foot. She’d need to leave a bigger clue before moving on so their tail wouldn’t accidentally think she’d gone farther into the mountains. 

Wanna leave your mark, do you? You wanna claw? These branches are troublesome, oop, oh yeah, automail, shit. 

She deployed her blade and sliced a large line of branches right in front of the tracks where she had jumped. Mei would notice the work right away. 

Darn! That means you missed out on the tattoo, I forgot! Bummer ‘bout that, it’s so fetching. Matches the red of my eyes— though that seems to vary in hue these days.

-

The woods were shot through with small homes and groupings of villages that she passed as she skipped and turned over branches. Lan Fan kept to cover just in case but she knew nobody was following her. She also noticed her range was longer in these scans of her surroundings but didn’t bring it up. She didn’t need who was most likely responsible for the change getting a bigger head than he already had. That particular person pointed out a few types of houses and asked quite a few questions about the surrounding countryside, which Lan Fan initially ignored. She had eventually started giving him answers that amounted to maybe a full sentence after so many attempts to get her to do anything but run full pelt even she felt pity. He was sitting quietly, listening to her intentionally short answers intently. Not having to waste her air supply made her a modicum more open to speaking.

What’s that house covered in? He didn’t need to draw her eye to it, she’d seen it well on her own. It was a traditional farm cottage, older by design.

_It is thatch._

The zeal was familiar. Ling asked her things too, but she was not acquainted with the need to Know while it not being directed at anything specifically directly important. 

Her lord— she tried to give him what he needed to know and only that. She had it down to short answers, they were the most efficient. When she answered the homunculus with something that Ling would have taken it got…

-? , a feeling of ‘yes, and?’. 

How could a two hundred year old being not know what thatch is? 

_It covers a roof to keep the elements out._

There hadn’t been a new question on the end of her new answer like the last few times. He was waiting for /more/ after that?

_It— we-, we use tile in the city because it is manufactured there. In the country the inhabitants grow the thatch because it is cheaper. Tile is hard to transport and repair. Thatch is replaced yearly._

Got it. No wonder I didn’t know. I’ve been a city homunculus! You guys don’t even use things like brick here much. 

She had seen very much of Amestris, thank you. She remembered thinking about the architecture and how it was utterly alien to what she was used to. Bias aside, the lack of much decoration at all was something she still didn’t get. Just because she didn’t decorate herself didn’t mean she couldn’t appreciate it. 

Greed snapped her head nearly behind herself at movement. 

WAGON GOING THE RIGHT WAY HITCH A RIDE- Oh we passed it, damn you can move. 

She caught up to and blew past a covered wagon that was taking the road she was hugging. With the train and her breakneck run they had really covered some ground but when she asked Greed he said that while they were a -lot- closer, they still had to ‘book it’.

Even with all those hours of travel Greed had the feeling they could go at this pace for literally days and not be through his country, vehicles included! There was so damn much, he really liked it here! It had a lot of verticality that Amestris lacked. Lan Fan wasn’t listening again so bias aside Ling had some points about his dumb country and Greed could admit he liked it. 

/Some/ points and a /little/. 

Okay a lot.

Most of it. 

Credit where credit was due was easier when Ling wasn’t here. 'Cause if he was here he’d grin dumbly at Greed and never let him live it down. SO, Greed would get it out of the way now. 

Lan Fan was tearing down the roadside and trying very deeply to not pay attention to -..... Ling... and then ... fuckin’ stupid ass... has to be right .... stupid country... ALL GOOD AND STUFF... stupid. Which sounded as if it was coming from a tinny radio that was in the other room. As she ran she experimented with sticking her fingers in her ears and then covering them entirely with her hands for a few minutes to try and modulate the noise.

From somewhere around her blocked ears she heard, impossibly clear, You have to use mental hands over your ears if you want it to work. 

And how does THAT work? But she could not bring herself to care because he was obviously in her thoughts again, even though she had told him to stay out!

You were GONNA say something  , she had the impression of a toothy frown,  Loud Thoughts!! We covered this!! Making it around the ears is convenient. Could throw my voice if you wanted it, but Ling says it bothers him. Not that I care. She wasn’t even gonna bother with that.

Just observations, these words came from the small of her back, near her shoulder blades. She nearly screamed and swatted at it. Knowing that would only get him laughing at her she froze.

It's a soul hallucination, doesn't have to make sense! Under her ribs, slightly to the left. 

Funny thing, less of an echo than with Ling, I notice. That one was where it was supposed to be, as if there was a 'supposed to' in this situation. 

Soul is Less blackened by evil deeds too— Just kidding I can't tell that! She hadn’t believed him!

 _I imagine it is hard to see soot when you are made of it. To confirm… are you sure you are meant to be artificial humans and not just... golems?_ She had the question for a while and would toss it in front of him like a bone to get him to stop doing what he was doing.

If he suspected she was distracting him he seemed way too excited for the question for it to be so. Dad’s dead so I dunno! I have a suspicion Dad didn’t know a lot about human things, as much as he wanted to copy. I think you met Gluttony and Envy and they weren’t the best examples of a functional natural creature. I barely wanna say human. If we didn’t have stones keeping us together I don’t think we’d work all that good. 

_Did he… have a template?_

I’m not clay if that's what you're asking. I am MADE of blood, I think, he intoned gravely, studiously, despite the ‘I think,’. She was disgusted, and made twin fists to stop thinking about it, yet could not. 

_Do I want to know Whose at this point?_ She could make three guesses and she knew she would get all three right. 

Mmm, think you can guess!  He snickered,  Blood types don't matter, I'm a universal recipient! 

Lan Fan paled and looked down at herself to see if she looked any more sallow than the last few minutes.

Don't need any of yours, cool it. You humans are absolutely full of the stuff anyway. And you put out your own heat? Just wild too, and you can make -YOURSELF- TOO HOT!! AND TOO COLD! Thought I was having some kinda fit first time Ling’s body was shivering. Homunculi don't do that, temperature in general isn't much of an issue. 

She stared straight ahead and kept moving, she knew better than to hope that her body might just reject him now. If it hadn’t done it already she was trapped for the foreseeable future. 

Heard about those mannequins in the sewers, nervous systems is hard to get right, they're a little iffy on their own. Big plus; no pain. Minus— everything else. So if you wanna go with ‘golem’ for them that's probably your best bet.  He quested at another surface thought of hers. Not sure what a Jiangshi is. Can see the resemblance I guess?

Greed poked around her definitions of various monsters from her childhood. She wasn’t sure how to stop him with the disjointed way he was checking for what he wanted. It was like someone quickly looking over her shoulder at a newspaper for only the headlines.  Not a hungry ghost, though I /was/ sentenced to hell for greed so good try, but try again.

Greed sighed, Xing was a pretty superstitious lot and had a ghost for just about everything. 

\---

—and the thing I like about him is that he’s one of a kind in that he is So Normal he's a stand out! He's like if a completely dry biscuit was a person? There is literally Nothing going on with that guy, I fucking love him. Greed had been running her ear off about people he knew from Amestris. 

She, meanwhile, had been running her ass off and Greed thought she deserved some kind of entertainment since he couldn’t do much else (and she wouldn’t let him do much else).

Lan Fan could feel an impression of him reclining, ‘chilling’ he called it and sort of gesturing into the air. She’d seen him and Ling take this position when they ‘had to talk about some shit’. 

To Greed, if he was laying down he was -relaxing- and Lan Fan didn’t know what that actually felt like so he could pull his favorite ‘not lie’ by /not/ bringing it up! Omission! Because he was totally relaxed and /not/ worried!

In fact, he had a captive audience! Usually a fun thing! It was time to run through some favorite subjects as distraction- entertainment! Yes! Those included: himself, she had expressly told him to stop.

Li—

Skip that one.

Hmm, she didn’t care about many material goods… It was a damn shame 'cause he had a whole bunch to list off!

What did Lan Fan list for fun? Her oaths? For cryin’ out loud, that was boring! Weapons, hmm never really cared for them in a use and not selling perspective. Li-... he’d been sold a little more on swords recently but it was a working process. 

They both liked food but uh... They were not hungry. Which also was pretty fucked up. 

She didn’t even have clothes really-  Ay, message runner, do you fuckin' like, like Anything? 

And the main answers were; and because she was distracted they were delivered like feelings, 'no(?)', 'not right now I don't', and 'Skip That One'. 

Fair, they could skip that one.

Conversational potential dead for now, Greed knew when to quit with that, he did the equivalent of hitting a pillow before settling back down on it to just watch the scenery claw by in some silence. In the Silence Lan Fan began to think hard about something again but this time Greed stayed far away from it. He didn't want another argument so soon and it felt a little...heavy. Time passed slowly and yet it also still trickled away.

-

"If—” and she hadn't said anything verbally for a long while so she's probably just muttering to herself 'cause she picked up talking to him easy. The heavy feeling increases exponentially with the word leaving her mouth, like it was literally coalescing with the air it took to say.

"If Li.. if he's, if something..."

And no, no, no, he doesn't /like/ this, but he's not going to interrupt because even though she’s quiet and still running, her stride is unbroken, her emotions are like a /boulder/ now.

"You may have me."

Before he can ask exactly what the -hell- she means, though he knows— she /pushes/,

‘If Ling is gone I want to be gone and it would be better if a thing that Knows Ling and can remember him lives on but I do not want to, if, if! —and it is not fair of her to go and take him too, Ling offered up his life before for it and she can do that too and-’

—And instantly she is stopped dead in the middle of the path she's running and Greed is suffusing every inch of her up to her eyeballs and BOILING but, all he says, through her own mouth, with ice— Which she didn't think he was capable of- very quiet and nearly but not really conversational is: "I refuse." and then she can move again. Like nothing had happened. 

She didn't think he -could- refuse an offer? That wasn't how a sin worked?

To answer that, he gives her; that feeling which is stronger and they're still following, and that what she was thinking about and is to NEVER -EVER- THINK ABOUT AGAIN won't come to pass, and if it DOES, -it WONT-, neither of them will be around to see it. After they burn everything flat. To make another point she'd not even let him move or speak without fighting him and now she's thinking on Giving up??? Thank you, no. 

She'd never had someone threaten... her life, but? Opposite? Before. Threaten to live? 

He also communicates to her that ‘offering himself up’ /like that/ is also NOT what Ling did. Ling took A GAMBLE and never intended to Die. Because Ling plays to win only.

And he, Greed, certainly doesn't intend to let him ... you know ... /now/ after all -that- shit.

He knows she doesn’t want to involve him in her mess, and that’s -fuck, nice? Of her? But she’s so far off the point it would be comical in that not only is he Involved but also— CAN SHE CALM DOWN!? NOTHING HAD EVEN HAPPENED YET!?

IF YOU DIE I'LL KILL YOU. Lan Fan blinked, again with the- ‘threats’?

DID YOU WANNA DIE WHEN YOU TOOK YOUR ARM OFF? 

_Kind of._ She had said for Ling to leave her and that was a death sentence, so kind of. 

WE ARE HAVING A /LONG/ TALK AT A LATER DATE.

Who was he to-? Was he going to lecture her? On that? Him? Lecturing? It was death with Purpose. She was making that decision Practically at the time! 

STILL BAD! If she was going to cite -practicality-, the little /idiot/, then why was she trying to plan (as if you could plan! Only her!) dying out of despair?

She was still confused as to why the sin monster was spitting her out, literally.

He was seriously gonna have an aneurysm with this girl.

Greed was screaming 'no deal' despite ALWAYS talking her up, was she not a 'high price item?' 

To him, between the two, she was the better choice on initial acquisition for sure! (Partnering up with Ling came later.) Upon first meeting, Ling was chump change before he found out he had cool extras, and- ...stuck around. He had intended for him to /just/ be transportation!

Meanwhile! She! Was VERY GOOD. BUT ALSO LIKE. HERE. NOT DEAD. WOULDN'T LIKE IT. AT ALL.

(Though if something does happen, /won't/, they would both be dead ‘cause the new middle ground thing that would be born and proceed to carve a new lake into the earth's crust wouldn't be either of them really. They’d create a new sin on that one.)

Lan Fan he’d liked IMMEDIATELY. Ling took like, mmm, four days? AND  YES LAN FAN I WAS WILLING TO /PURPOSEFULLY/ die for Ling, OKAY. But if we DON'T GOTTA. WOULD BE GOOD!!! 

He’d beaten her to the punch. So it was okay when he did it? 

LAST. DITCH. 

Then she would keep it as ‘last ditch’, was that agreeable?

NO. But Greed sensed that was as good as it was going to get.

Between you and me Lan Fan, and not Ling- do /not/ tell him this. If he got wind of the content of any part of this conversation ever he’d uh.. well I mean you know him, doesn't get mad easy really, but I’m pretty sure we don’t tell him about this conversation. 

Greed hesitated, Lan Fan also didn’t think this particular feeling of hesitation was something he could do either. 

‘Cause uh, not to beat around the bush, but pretty sure I’m not scary to Ling (mistake) and you're not scary to Ling (oh Big mistake) but SOMETIMES Ling can be a little frightening. 

-with stuff he does- 

-and says- 

-and thinks sometimes. 

—little off putting, between you and me and the wall. 

She didn’t really agree but he could think whatever he wished. With nothing left to do and Greed one thousand percent done FOREVER with that line of thinking she began to move again at her previous speed except rather than laying... she thinks... back? Greed is specifically buzzing loud enough that she can't even think, which she supposes is the aim.

She-

She likes speaking about strategy with Ling, he has a knack for it.

Oh yeah?! I like that too! Though Ling tends to lose the thread of a good plan after about ten steps and he’s not playing at misunderstanding. So when he’s here he acts like a little monster and when he’s… gone-- you know, like normal, what the heck do /you/ get up to? He’d been around her long enough to know (irony here because they were /Both/ in on beelining to Ling with no regard for speed limits or practicality) that she had a one track mind with things but he was curious! His original point was that she didn’t have many hobbies! 

_I really do not know. Most of my day was finding what he had gotten into or where he had passed out. Or where he had gotten into and Then passed out At._ Past frustrations welled up easily, though they didn’t have any sting to them. 

_The months you had him were stressful but truly at the end of the day I simply did not know what to do with my time._ His involvement oddly did not sting either.

Did I ever apologize for—

_No. But the situation has changed._

Still gonna.  He was a reformed homunculus!  Sorry for uh, basically, well like I wanted to say holding him against his will but-, and like we Were trying to do a good thing even though I was bein’ an ass. Kidnapping? I guess? 

He chewed on the particulars for a moment more.

Think if I’d gone back to Xing with y’all when Ling wanted... the world would have ended so...But like, don't dispute me- I was /totally/ not thinking nice thoughts at the time. I was selfish about it- 

_It is fine._

-and like in the end there, too, wasn't fair of me- huh?  It was the what now?

_Said it was fine._

A flash of Father’s arm through Ling and Ling being fine after and Greed Not being fine after.

Ah. 

_Fine._

‘kay. 

It looked like his account got balanced there and pushed very much into the black for past infractions.

 _If my lord sent me a message and it was not a plea for help he was going to come back._ She was referencing his protracted trip with Ling in the hell woods, oh and the fact he kinda kept him ‘locked up’?

Mmm sorry also for—

She would be the one to cut him off. _-and what would he have sent had you allowed communication? ‘Bored?’, ‘Hi Lan Fan, how are you’?_

She stole up her pride.

 _It was good for him to learn some consequences for his actions._ If those consequences were the loss of his body for a while and being unable to do what he wished?

Well that wasn't—It was a big admission from her but Greed didn’t want her to ascribe things to him past him didn’t deserve!

_I know that was not your intent but it was a side effect._

In the end he really was not used to a relatively mature conversation between adults.

You sure you're not just happy he was making my life hell instead? He smiled at her pleasantly, but his tone was mocking. Couldn't be too mature, now. 

_Many unintended side effects happened on his choice._

What if I was -bad- Lan Fan? he teased. Since that stuff was in the past it was fine to poke a little fun at it.

_Ling doesn't waste his time with bad people?_

She threw him! He’d wanted exasperated! She was totally innocent, almost questioning. Her thoughts nested around the statement illustrated that /obviously/ Ling had it under control enough to send a message so if that was the case and Ling had chosen to invest himself it was most likely going to work out?

Greed caught the half formed thought of 'you would have been Bad and then probably Dead?'

Lan Fan did not like the things Ling does but he is predictable to her and that's how it /obviously/ would have gone? Like the seasons turning? The supernatural element was a new one to her but it was Ling, so?

To Greed a situation in which he could retroactively sweat was new.

She held a blank but unbothered expression, entirely without ulterior motive. Her tacitly implying he was /not bad/ was noted as well, but, since he was literally in her body and all, that was kinda' a given at this point. Like Yeah you kinda' didn't do that for a lot of people.

Leads we're leads but -still-. Could have just put him in anybody!

She must have been listening in- _What if it went badly? I do not know about... compatibility._

She was told how Wrath came to be and how many dead subjects were before that point, and that stone had souls to try again and again.

Okay, sound reasoning, but you didn't think of that at the time, I’m pretty sure, Greed frowned accusingly.

 _What if you weren't strong enough to do what you needed to do?_ Lan Fan asked, and he knew that she wanted her lead or to know for sure he did not have one but—

-And HEY. He wasn’t WEAK!

She imagined a random convict somehow getting powers. She didn’t need that headache on top of everything else. With her track record that would be just the thing to happen.

Greed could get that. Okay, so random convict was out, and innocent stranger was out (for obvious reasons). Greed had come to roughly similar conclusion when he first was aware because he thought he'd been with Alphonse, which was a good guess. Someone who knew the drill and had history.

_It helped, did it not?_

Yeah not struggling with it did help him, that was true. Though he would have just tapped the local life force if it was a convict but also... staying in someone bad enough to not feel bad about killing? No thanks.

It was kind of icky.

As much as this conversation was testing her various limits, Lan Fan discovered something. Greed had a more exacting code when it came to murder? He /felt bad/ about it? -That- lout?

Both held no illusions. Sometimes people had to fucking go, but as Greed could literally /see/ she was much more open handed with it. There was something- ah, a blond head that he knew, and a desert town?

YOU TRIED TO TOTALLY MERC ED WHEN YA’ MET? 

She almost blushed, like it was an embarrassing anecdote and not attempted murder. _Yes?_

BRO BOTH TIMES I FOUGHT ED IT WASN'T FOR KEEPS. PRE AND POST MEMORY LOSS. TOTALLY WENT NON-LETHAL. 

Was that an ‘Oops?’ he heard?

She had gotten more quiet since then, she pushed! Gone were the days she was almost crying over angering Ling with killing a lead of his! She was much more intuitive now! 

The only reason you didn't try killin’ me was I was literally clamped onto Ling, Greed accused, woodenly.

_Yes._

And if I am reading this right ,a lot of your thought processes at the time were ‘How kill /me/ without hurt /Ling/,he elaborated.

Those old thoughts were not his to just read but she was not hiding it; _Yes._

A vague proto-plan with the then new alliance with Mei and somehow getting Mei to figure out something passed between them. 

Hmm. ‘kay.It didn’t end up getting that bad so it wouldn’t be good business to bring up how he thought about all that. He just filed it. She was batshit, what else was new? 

Then what about an animal? he asked. He was interested in her reasoning there!

  
_I did not wish to hurt an animal and wasn't sure about... body mass?_

‘Murder was fine?’ Greed thought to himself.

_-Compatibility, again? You are made of humans so...what if you could not think correctly? I had wanted a lead so I needed speech._

I don't tend to rely on my host's gray matter (otherwise I'd never get anything done with Ling- HA) but yeah, solid points, an animal probably wouldn't've survived. More damningly, wouldn't've been able to talk so I would've suffered even if it did somehow work out, haha. She didn’t laugh at his, frankly, A+ material. 

A parrot would have probably been the only viable thing and where do you even secure a parrot in the early morning? Not to mention it was too small. He didn’t want to get into theology at the moment but the soul component /was/ actually important unlike the brain and he was pretty sure people argued over whether animals had them. Regardless! He did need a human one! He relied on it /more/ these days, especially because he only had the one. (His! He had one!! This shit with Lan Fan proved it!)

It was just like when alchemists got tired after a lot of transmutations, really they should have realized they were tapping their own gates for power earlier. (Kinda dumb for being huge 'geniuses'). Existing wasn’t a big draw on who he was with nor was manipulation of a body, as long as it was communal. (Fighting the owner was a pain in the ass.) But powers cost, and depending on what he was doing was how much it cost.

With Ling cause of how -that- was they basically worked out the biggest return for the lowest investment, but with Lan Fan maybe she'd notice she was a bit more tired than normal if not for, eh, lots of- circumstances. Or hungry, but she wasn't normal there either. Those were the easiest energy sources to tap and renew.

It was how Ed supported Alphonse when he was metal! He had told him about it and Greed had Ling’s old conversation with Alphonse as reference as well! And that was a whole entire body!

She didn’t even have -that- to worry about! If he was totally passive she'd probably not even know he was there! Maybe. (He wasn’t passive though and wasn’t gonna start now!)

Ling of course— it was like... like a custom thing? As much as Ling supports him he supports Ling so-! Yeah, whatever!!

Even doing the pulse stuff they figured out later someone still needed to hold the hose. Sitting and focusing still could make people tired. Like that dumb shit Ling did, the meditation. Hmm speaking of, he hated meditation, but as far as sitting quietly and focusing went...

I know you said for afters but since you don’t wanna share and we’re gonna be going for a while I’m fixing some of this tissue. I’m gonna be bored as hell if I don’t do /something/. Old scars are good practice for me. IF YOU WANT? 

He knew to ask rather than simply do and sensed that she was /considering it/. New ground here, but it was -all- new ground.

Won’t take any of your hands, it’ll be good for both of us! All hands to myself all your hands to you, it’s good time sharing. 

"Will you leave me alone?"

Kinda impossible. 

"Will you do your best?"

Sure, still waiting for the go ahead. 

There was a concession being made but he seemed...skilled. It would probably keep him occupied. “Alright.”

Lovely, don’t mind me, say the magic words and I don't mean please. 

She sighed and clenched her jaw, those words could only be one thing with him. “I want you to fix it.”

That’s the stuff! Lan Fan thought Greed could quit being so damn pleased! Keep heading the way you're going, call me if you need anything, if it feels numb it's better that it does. Also, before I duck out , can I sneak a peek at how the automail works? Seems like I should know- just in case y’know. Don’t wanna muss anything. 

"Don’t touch anything else."

You wound me, truly, I don’t need it for keeps just let me, like, read off it.  She got the bizarre mental sense of a thumbs up and information coming to mind like an intrusive thought. Her arm blade deployed and sheathed itself a few times. 

AIN’T THAT NICE AND PRETTY WITH THE BLADE. Here you go, some tavern music just for you played by yours truly.

-

The next hour passed the best since she woke up this morning, (and maybe the majority of the last two weeks). She had a few songs stuck in her head she had never heard before, which was not terrible, and her arm went numb a few times like he said it would. He came up for air a couple times to dial her the right way, which was still right. Ish. She dropped a few more beads every few minutes and knocked a tree branch off when she changed direction or went around an obstacle. This was good, she was making headway. She was getting things done.

All she had to do was ignore certain things, the running commentary of ‘what ifs’ she kept experiencing that sounded like a lot more static and muttering that she didn't think originated from her. (What if we’re too late, what if he’s angry, what if he’s hurt.) these were fine to pin on her own worries, right? -Sure, her own insecurities come to light? He was occupied fixing her arm and after her own flirtation with these thoughts she had no right to talk. They were so quiet she could act like they did not exist. 

-

She stopped at a clearing when she heard running water. Her canteen was half empty. There was a pond in the middle with a clear riverlet bisecting it. Bugs were everywhere but that was the way of things. They kept to a few feet away from the pond in dark clouds. In the distance more ranges of mountains were wreathed with fog. The air felt clear but she was not here to enjoy anything presently.

He popped back up like a cork in a bucket of water.

Water break, sit down for a quarter of an hour and gimme a cookie. That was delicate to do on the move. 

Greed felt her hesitate but her other hand touched the ring of the port on her shoulder. She didn’t need to hurt herself and make the rest of the trip harder. Or waste time because she could not move efficiently. He was silently thankful she was at least actually practical (and not what she /called/ practical) with -some- things. 

The nerves were probably the longest thing for me to get with humans, had a lot of practice with Ling. It's one thing when you're regrowing from a template of your own, everybody’s are different. Really fiddly. Easier to turn off and on, that's fine. Your brain just thought you already had an arm and was confused at the other arm. 

He clucked over his work.

Turned off a few key ones but don't pull the socket out again. Vessels were tied off real clean, good surgeon did that. Original cut was messier but you didn't have a lot of time, whoever fixed you up really cleaned it up! 

She suddenly got a weird sense of a brush of feeling underneath her arm where her skin ended and the metal started and around a few places where she knew the screws grounding her port were located. Even though he wasn't overtly bragging about it she got the feeling that Greed was utterly proud about the nerve stuff he managed. He never played with automail before and it had only been half a day in a totally new ride.

And, -she could practically feel him screaming it at her, pulling it off While Moving. She was not a challenge! Though she could practically feel the ‘points’ racking up.

Braggart.

Nevertheless, she was not used to that stuff either. Him always pointing out things she'd done to Ling, crowing over this or that. It was not a big deal. Recognition wasn't important. He had said to her before on one of his stories that Ling wouldn't shut up about her either when they (Greedling as Ed called that mess) were still new. She didn't know how she felt about being used as a bargaining chip with a soul monster that now was excitedly telling her about the particulars of the construction of her own arteries like it was something she'd chosen and he was congratulating her for. (Did you know humans actually take forever to bleed out from injuries like this!?)

Ling chooses for his body to be pathetic so I’ll praise you all I'm able to!  There was a sense that he was angry about a bad deal foisted on him. She wasn’t sure how a low blood sugar imbalance was something you could make a choice over, nor iron.

One cookie and a break will not save Ling’s life. Come on, fork it over, they’re MEI’S. Gimme. 

For all his whining he wasn’t making her move. She drained the water in her canteen and sat down heavily, tossing her bag to her side. The damn thing was half as tall as she was. She found the pack of cookies right away (the bag was better packed than it had started) and shoved one in her mouth.

Ha ha yesss.

The air coming from over the pond was cool. She fixed her scarf and wiped her brow.

Go on, give your face a splash, you’re in black in full sun. 

She didn’t get up and elected to shuffle over to the pond on her knees. Leaning over to scoop the water she wasn’t surprised to see those same red eyes that had stared at her that morning. 

Oooh look at us, very nice with the red. Ling’s too damn fox-faced to appreciate the effect. I always thought they were striking, considering it's always a feature of mine to carry over. 

She wasn’t sure how she could tell but her face was different. The bags were a little less pronounced and the color of her eyes were not the only things that changed. Her cheeks looked less shallow. 

See what I’m saying with your face look- let me-  a hand of hers tilted her chin up and to the left,

Just- see look, that's your angle right there, try a braid but keep the bangs, it frames nice. I’m JUST SAYIN. 

He didn’t really like her silence. He let her face go.

Is it because it reminds you of Ed? Lots of people have braids Lan Fan. He’s mostly shifted to a ponytail these days anyways. You’re safe I promise. She was still mute.  Nobody listens to Greed. I know you'll probably not want me touching you after this but Mei’s good at hair. I dunno if you saw that work she did on-  Despite being mute and sullen she /did/ jump at him finding out that little tidbit!  OH, YOU DID SEE THAT! 

Lan Fan had been getting better at not thinking about things but once she thought it she couldn’t /un/ think it. Or at least she hadn’t figured out how to do that. 

CAN'T HIDE THE MEMORY NOW. I /SAW/ THAT, YOU SOFTY. Didn’t want to interrupt and just snuck right back out, aww... 

She had also been getting better at mentally shoving stupid homunculi viciously.

HOW ARE YOU SO SOFT AND SO SHARP AT THE SAME TIME? Lan Fan, for someone who denies having any emotion about anything you’re BAD AT IT. I should know! Okay wash your face for real, sweat's burnin’ my eyes. 

She didn’t take his lead but she did wash her face, even going so far as to dunk it in the water. Much better. She felt another first, which was someone studying her with her own eyes. 

You got at least one other fun temporary souvenir since the tattoo was a no go. Look, big smile! Glad we got one fun peek before this all comes burning down one way or the other, ha. Doesn't that look -menacing-? 

He bared her teeth in a wide sickle. They had not looked like that this morning. 

How are these for sharp? Figured your arm wanted company. 

“Will these go back to normal when you leave?” 

Dunno! We should ask Ling! 

Introspection wasn’t her normal midafternoon activity but something so mundane as checking her reflection and giving it a smile (and it not coming from her) made her really /think/ about what exactly she was doing. She just wanted to go to a war torn country and help her charge to get what he wanted. Now, years later, it had come to this?

In her life alkahestry was an arcane art. Alchemists were halfway around the world, barring a few immigrants. There were rules and things to uphold. Protocol. Her life had been the hope that she’d get her clan to the throne and then she would live to serve and the caution that she’d probably die trying. The second she stepped into /that/ country the world turned on its head. Then they were home and things were almost similar again. Then, dumbly, she had to open her mouth. Though from how Alphonse told it later it (Greed) would have eventually happened without her. How and how badly was anyone's guess. 

Ling Yao was constantly picking things up and he found basically the worst thing possible to drag home with him. She hated it because that stupid fucking thing wormed his way into what she thought was decorum and decency— normalcy, and /now/ she was STUCK with him worse than before! 

-

She doesn't feel as fatigued as she ought to, she knows her limits and even with a few fitful hours of sleep she shouldn't be feeling... not terrible. And her arm feels- good. It feels like the difference between a good and bad bit of scarring and she supposes both those things are his doing. 

Weirdly, as she’s thinking, she knows that Ling's coattail rider is just thinking nothing thoughts and watching the clouds scud by. 

But the second she thinks that it's almost like they make eye contact except they CAN'T because he doesn't even have eyes... that aren't hers... how does Ling even.. no, she knows how— he gets used to everything quickly. Greed’s attention turned to her like the inevitable tide.

Come here for a second. 

And what does he mean by that- she's already as here as she can get?

No, like from before. Man I don't know- close your eyes. Ling got it and I never explained it. You were here before. He can do it and still keep his attention on outside stuff. There's just mountains and trees. Meditate or something. 

"Why? You can speak just fine. You certainly have shown me that," she accused.

Be-cause I /like/ looking at whom I'm talking to if, it can be arranged. And unless you want to stare at the pond and we trade off, which I know you don't like, you flinch every time I do anything, that's the option. And there’s bugs over there. 

"Why do you want to?"

Because we're taking a break! Can't I request an audience? 

He was exasperated. It seemed to her he had no motive other than just to talk. 

"I did not flinch."

Whatever you call leaning away at high speeds, then. I'm not gonna ask for trust, I know better, but I'm used to Ling and let me tell you malleable isn't the word.

"It is because he is a 'pushover.'" It wasn't like her to talk like this about her lord either but what was true was true. He let many things slide.

Yes and no? He -acts- like a pushover, you try challenging him on something he won't budge on.  Greed said this with an air of a lot of experience.

She wanted to get this over with and she didn't know how to do that.

You wanna ask me, and I'm not even peeking a little, just relax. He amended that request.  Okay. Maybe not doable. Just don't think about it too hard. 

Greed took in all of her state of being and even though they were sitting in nature's bounty with nothing else to do for the next while he knew that being able to relax was the furthest thing from possible. She was trying to force herself to do what he asked while also acting like she wasn't, and she was thinking about way too much shit!

No see, that's where you're screwing up you're trying to rationalize this. There's no rationalizing this. Just go with the flow! 

Her arms made a motion to turn almost into a cocky shrug but fell back into her lap at the halfway mark.

Sorry, habit. 

She frowned and screwed her eyes shut and didn't think about it because it would be better if she could stare him down, she does think. 

And she's still sitting but she can't feel the breeze anymore. She found herself looking at Greed, the one he showed her that looked like someone who wanted to go to a costume party but got lazy halfway through. She stood up and brushed herself off.

"Well hey, welcome back, while you’re here you can appreciate the original- only thing my dad ever got right," he smiled and indicated himself. When wasn't he smiling? 

“It suits you.” 

“Oh! How’dya figure, charming, handsome, devil-may-care?” he ticked off the listings on squarish fingers, leather bands around his wrists rattling. 

“Sleazy,” she dripped. It was somehow more pronounced than when she saw him as Ling or acting as himself as Ling.

He didn't rise to her half assed bait and instead she could literally see his enthusiasm grow.

"Fair, that I am, I own it. Like most things. Nice of you to come calling, appreciate it!" If Ling could pull it off Lan Fan knew she could pull it off. He also wouldn't stop bugging her until she did it so of course she was here.

"I know you don't like it but I figured that authentic was the way to go if we're gonna take a break. You get to look at me making the best of what Ling has to offer enough," he said teasingly, referencing what he looked like. He grinned and it was better than feeling a grin from behind her ear. Marginally.

"What did you want?" she crossed her arms. She'd asked this question so many times today and the sun hadn't even set. 

The homunculus in front of her smiled /again/ and put his hands on his hips like she'd seen Ling do one hundred times a week. Somehow, despite it being about as different of a face and body as it could be the expressions and ‘language’ were also familiar.

"Nothin' specific. Just figured this is a rare opportunity. Not often I get to talk with people one on one these days."

"What do you mean you don't talk with people 'one on one', we have spoken plenty of times without Ling," she accused. He'd told her Ling was 'busy' or asleep many times.

"True, but it's still rare! Even rarer when I know he's not poking around in the background eavesdropping."

"My heart bleeds for your suffering." She did find it agreeable shooting him a look and getting to see him look down and away.

"Look, it's different for you, you're always the one dropping eaves you're rarely the one getting snooped on yourself," he hedged, "given how you've reacted to my genuinely light prodding I'd say you wouldn't hold up so well long-term."

She did not want to be in this situation long term. "I do not like people who like to stir the pot being... in my... soup... " She'd screwed that up fantastically.

"Normally I'd berate, but for being up past six days straight I'll give you a pass on that metaphor. I see you're trying and I do appreciate it. Hmmm do you not have a lot of practice talking at length and that's why you're so disagreeable about me gabbing sometimes? Does someone need to practice small talk?"

No she did not want to talk small with him and she did not need it in her day to day life!

Greed weighed her expression of distaste. "Trust me, I'm like, a fucking professor of it by this point. Me and Ling got talking about nothing down to a real science. I'm basically accredited."

"Why?"

He looked surprised. "It's fun! Don't wanna leave you out of the convos but when me and Ling are going a hundred miles an hour and you're just walking we end up leaving you out sometimes under no real intention of our own. Plus, it's handy for killing time - chatting makes dull work move faster- it's like a law of the universe," he turned his palms up at her and tilted his head.

"Lan Fan, you're a guarded kinda private person, I get it, I don't understand it, but I get it. Maybe being in here lends me some insight— who knows? But what you got going is a good thing! You literally are a guard first of all so good for you. I'm just saying-" she'd watched him begin pacing back and forth in thought but he stopped dead and held up his arms. He snapped his finger after a moment more. 

"Okay- wait I got it. Listen, when you fight? You like to go all in, right? So do I, being honest. But Ling, he does this thing where he waits- for stuff, and then reacts. I'm saying like- sometimes just waiting is better. Like not in a lot of cases but you can- I don't know, like, chill. But not turn off? Does that make sense?" He squinted his eyes like he kind of knew it might not. "Man I didn't wanna turn this into a lecture, you can tell me to shut up if you want," he scratched his neck and his eyebrows traveled far up his forehead in assessment.

Lan Fan really disliked that while his words arguably made no sense she could physically /feel/ what point he was trying to make. She did not tell him to shut up. That was all the invitation Greed needed to keep going.

"So yeah, you were going for a soup metaphor earlier and I'm gonna switch gears and go for something a little more relevant, let me see - like automail! That's a good one- it works super well and reacts super fast in high pressure situations but also needs like, maintenance and cool-down time, right? I traveled with Ed for months and even though that boy loved putting his limbs through some wack shit he always had to stop occasionally and maintain them or else they'd fall apart y'know? (they actually did fall apart once, ask me sometime about why we ended up in his cow home in the boonies) but same sort of thing only twist it to a mental angle. You can be on alert and high-strung when you need to be but also if you don't chill out occasionally you'll fall apart a bit," he honestly 'tsk'd at her. 

"Me and Ling got a thing where we do stuff that we're good at and also stuff to help eachother out," he phrased this like it was a plan they had come up with all on their own and not something people just did. 

She thinks, and she knows Greed follows her train of thought at a respectful distance. She gets helpfully supplied many instances back before the idiot in front of her, where Ling did things with less thought and less direction. When Ling was just a prince with dozens of siblings and people would rather he wasn't around because he was just one less obstacle, and that the stupid things he’d done lately were usually to just blow off some steam.

Ling never used to leave notes before. 

Some of these conclusions she makes herself and some of these conclusions are helpfully proffered. Respectfully. And she doesn't know how he does that while just smiling easily at her and twiddling his thumbs, but she supposes practice is a big part of it. 

"Knock it off," she said in reference to the bits of information she now had that didn't spring from her point of view. They disappeared like a shoal of fish. 

He dipped his head at her, "Point 'a all that being that this sorta' arrangement doesn't have to be something you regret forever and don't get any benefit from," he levied an expression that told her he didn't 'do' arrangements where there weren't benefits. 

"When it's done well and I think I do it /quite/ well, it can be good for -both parties. -Think of it as an opportunity to balance some things out! Tit for tat, equivalent exchange and all that." Leaning back slightly into a relaxed slouch, thumbs in his belt, he regarded her. While he clearly expected a response, he was not in any hurry to get one.

She scoffed immediately at the gall of thinking he had something to offer -her-, but those little snippets of positive examples she just saw were still floating in her mind. (Naturally this time though). Damn homunculus using reasonable logic and forcing it into her head. That was practically cheating. Before she thinks on it too hard she responds almost automatically: 

"So then, what would I be getting from you?"

From the smug expression in front of her she knows what she said was exactly the lead-in he had been looking for.

"Well that /is/ the question, isn't it? A helping hand, or you know, a claw. Already paid you back with the arm servicing for getting to come along for the ride. It's hard to get around the opposite side of the port for the real internal stuff and I took care of that! Smoothed things out. Though I didn't need to do all that much. You had a good surgeon." 

While she knew this was a dream or hallucination or simply her poor mind trying to make sense of it, she could discern that the port on her arm 'fit better'. She hadn't gotten much chance to try it out.

Greed observed her, eyes lighting on her arm neutrally. "I told you, I'm not a passive kinda guy and while I don't mind being a compass just- you know, relax a bit, let me handle some stuff. And I don't mean just now I mean like in the future. I may not act it but I've been around the sun enough times to pick things up. As in I've been around the sun long enough to remember when you all collectively didn't think the earth did that."

And he had known different, then?

"To reiterate, not asking for trust because, well, you know me too well that I'm not very trustworthy but you -can- be confident in that I like to do favors. Favors get payback. And those are /deals/ which I don’t go back on. It opens a dialogue. Which you know we did today so maybe Ling getting caught up in an explosion wasn't one hundred percent bad. Not to say that it's not bad 'cause it is, but silver linings," Greed actually frowned for once but it flickered away.

"I ain't gonna bite. Not you anyway. Some idiot that touches my shit? Sure." 

He had been getting slowly closer to her this entire time and she had been letting him. His hand raised tentatively and tapped her on the arm. She was mystified to feel it. His other hand pointed away from her.

"Look over THERE." 

She, against all odds, looked. At nothing. She felt a large arm wrap around her shoulder tightly and a knuckle come down on the crown of her head, rubbing it hard. 

"HAHAHAHA gotcha!!! Ling woulda' NEVER let me try this shit!"

Lan Fan was disappointed to find out that piledrivers didn't seem to work in whatever this weird void was, what with the lack of solid floors and all. Greed grinned up at her from where she'd flung him down below her, casually floating in whatever semblance of non-Euclidean space they were both in.

"Can't blame me for going for it! It's too good of an opportunity to pass up given I'll likely never be gettin' the chance again. You only live once, though sometimes you get lucky enough to get a few passes on living— in which case it's only fun if you up the ante each time!" he cackled wildly.

If anyone were to ask it was because of the absurdity of the situation– stuck in a hellish void, running on fumes, not sure if her ward was alive or dead or worse - but the real fact of the matter is that no one had ever, /EVER/, even -attempted- to run afoul of her in such a playful manner. Much less succeeding on the first attempt. And as much as she wanted to scream and rage at the audacity of him deceiving her in such a way she was instead horrified when a small chuckle escaped her lips. 

Greed's face lit up like a thousand watts before she could even finish cursing herself for the slip-up. God Damn It, she was never going to hear the end of this.

-

Had he been aiming for this the entire time? Maybe- he could see when opportunities were rare and precious. To give Lan Fan a hardcore noogie without Ling's terror dragging his limbs back wasn't an every day thing! And the laugh wasn't bad either if he was honest. Which he was. Mentioning it would ruin the mystique, he thinks. Rare things like that should be guarded jealously, and maybe shown to Ling, if he was extra good. 

Greed had felt a lot of baggage since he'd been in here in the way someone driving fast sees the scenery. A guard of the emperor both treated by others as close to royalty because she -was- and also treated like a slave. Tough position to be in! Natural personality traits aside, that's a rough one of those childhoods he'd heard so much about. Would breed the type of person she acts like. Not even getting a noogie, sheltered palace kids. Never too late to be on the receiving end of one of those. 

The fact he was getting anything from her at all besides tightly clamped emotional responses and stress was nice. He'd also decline to mention it. 

On the outside Greed slowly took control, feeling himself only watched cautiously. He held her arms over her head and stretched languidly. Her back popped like a couple of fireworks. "Fifteen minutes are up, good talk, there."

He put her feet out from her body from the lotus position she was in and folded in half to touch the tops of her boots, feeling something in her left hip grind and settle. He eased back against the grass and took a deep breath, letting it go after a few seconds.

"Taking a second for yourself is something we do a lot, but we got double the self. Work hard, play hard. And you know you're probably the hardest worker I know so seeing you play might be good. Rather than tricking you into it," he relaxed her neck, hanging her head down from her shoulders limply. Holding it at the base behind her ears he jerked it up and to the left and literally felt a vertebra or two make a 'THOCK' of resetting themselves. After he was done he just kept her sat up but didn't make his presence more overbearing than that.

She still wasn't used to watching Greed drive, but the beauty of exhaustion was there was a slight film over most things that made it more fantastical and therefore bearable to put up with. It was particularly bizarre to be so close to things happening but having no real input on them —if she focused she could see herself standing in the void, looking at nothing, but with just a slight mental adjustment she could also see and feel outside her body as if she were in sleep paralysis, with someone else moving her around while she remained still.

Ling had told her a bit about his time alone with Greed at the start of their relationship, and how he had had to needle and pry for any glimpse of the outside world for months before he was given a more generous co-pilot seat, so she knew what she was experiencing now was the most generous level of sharing Greed was likely capable of. She knew she wouldn't have expected any less, Greed knew who he was messing with, but still it was oddly...nice. Kind maybe. She didn't want to think on it too hard.

If she thought on it too hard, which she wasn't, she might realize she was starting to appreciate having someone to talk to who was so upfront with her. Everyone approached her with some level of fear or respect (as they rightly should) but that also meant she was often isolated. She would never complain, it was good for her line of work; she had no one she was tied to more than Ling so extorting her with a blackmailed relation was a useless endeavor, and being aloof tended to mythify her presence among the other guards making her commands and guidelines more poignant in their minds. (Glass ceilings existed so she liked the edge this granted her.)

But even with those excuses, she'd be lying to say it wasn't hard to stay isolated. Ed and Al were fun and didn't regard her with much fear, but they also didn't really appreciate what her role required and the work she had to put into it, both physically /and/ mentally. Riza was the closest she'd had to a real compatriot in years but the woman was much older than her and also busy watching her own charge, infrequently visiting the country and leaving Lan Fan alone again much of the time. 

She frankly hadn't considered that there might be someone else nearby able to relate to her, or, if she was being petty, worth her time.

She was pulled out of her introspection with a cracking 'THOCK' echoing through her neck. 

"Watch it!" she snapped. 

Greed just hummed in response as he sat back on their arms, apparently waiting for her before making another move. 

...He did offer to trade in favors. And she -had- been the one running since they left the capital. This mental relay had also proved that she was /exhausted/ to boot and could use a break... and given she could feel Greed's metaphysical eye on her she knew he thought the same thing. 

She sighed before saying, "We should get moving."

After feeling no impulse on her part to take control again Greed smiled before rolling to their feet, snagging the bag as he did and flinging it over their back as he started to walk forwards.

"If you're in the mood to hear me out for a fuller effect with 'us' I'd suggest taking the hair down, look beastly like that, we would. Ball's in your court, I know better than to touch hair. Learned that the hard way.” He waved a hand like he’d experienced hardship over it. 

“First time Ling showed teeth around me! Bet you’d love that story. Damn near bit the hand that I'd taken. Very surprised! Could also tell you about when he verbally mauled Bradley so hard it literally altered my opinion on keeping him around. That and some theft, he's got sticky fingers that one."

She noticed that even though they were her legs his gait was different. Wider, louder too, not like it mattered much with nobody around. Greed turned her head more, almost eating the scenery with his eyes. Like this, Lan Fan could barely perceive a 'something' that went beyond the pulse that he was following with pinpoint accuracy. She'd only been horseback riding a few times but she could almost trick herself into thinking this was like that. It was amazing how easily Greed tracked back to Ling, but by the way he talked and… what she could feel, Ling was a consistently life changing experience.

She didn't think Greed had started off being a person that was so-... she cast about for a comparison, 'ride or die'. 

She had made the mistake of not getting that from herself. She understood that when she felt a '!' and a too-eager press of many other concepts that she pushed away from. He agreed that he'd been more 'laissez-faire'. While she felt the tone of a joke she didn't get it and refused the explanatory bits. And he was /still/ talking!

"Real fun when he drops his bullshit act but that act makes the drops more fun. Never a dull moment. I was starved for entertainment at the time, but /you/, once again, compliment, are solid all the way down." 

He hopped over a tree root and ducked another. He hadn't needed to duck that far but she supposed he was used to different circumstances.

"Ling's silver gilt on cheap brass. Course with him the brass is just a dodge to hide the wall safe with the laundered cash in it. This metaphor is gettin' away from me…" he trailed off and put a hand on his chin, slowing down just a bit. 

_Ling has value._

He snapped his fingers. "That's it!!!"

 _Who is soft?_ She didn’t know how to snap her fingers… how had he...

"Oh shut uppp-” He cocked an eyebrow. “Wow you’re joshing with me. You -are- tired…“ Could he try it? Maybe? He’d gotten this far, he really did wanna help. “You sure you don’t want to take a nap while I jog a bit? We’re still a few hours out, feels like." He didn’t think she’d bite but he’d offer. 

_Thanks for the fix with the arm._

"HELL HATH FROZEN OVER!" He startled some birds on that one.

 _Do you want a jog or not?_ Could hell freeze over again in ten seconds? Holy shit she was serious.

"Already movin' I’ll wake you if there’s anything fun I see. Night!" Greed felt her struggle to calm down for some time but she ended up too tired to care. He stayed quiet and let her drift. Finally she dropped off.

It reminded him of Ling when they were still in their early camping trip days, when things were still dicey. The trees and nature helped. When he was sure she wouldn't wake up he took a fiver to put her hair in a braid and take a couple mental snapshots, also stealing another cookie. He liked helping out but he did still like taking a little extra. Wouldn't pay to be completely innocent.

This thing with Lan Fan was a delicate dance and he was not used to this type of power imbalance. Last time, he'd been wanting his bodymate to 'GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM HIM' for the majority and Ling had taken that as 'bang more on the door and /scream/'. He didn't feel like that tactic was gonna work with her.

At least this time it was faster and didn't take a solid month and almost dying to get to 'share', he was getting better, and also maybe he had chilled out a bit as well. If he ever has to do this again with someone else, heaven forfend, he'll just have a ten minute presentation ready and an information packet. He'll make pamphlets! He'll prepare! Because everyone knows the most surefire way to make sure something never happens is to be ready for it.

You don't want it to rain, you bring an umbrella with you!

If he had his pick of the litter he was still hung up on Al, he'd nail him for the type to wanna go on a bender. Oh, what could have been!

Still, these Xing kids were a cut above in a lot of respects. Now that the tension in their shared body wasn't gonna strangle him to death Greed held out a proverbial arm for Lan Fan's dragon pulse and was given the reins without her input. He had been feeling that curious sensation for hours but doubled up with her senses amplified it. There was no doubt. (There hadn't been! Yup!!) Ling was alive and relatively stable. 

“You’re hot shit, you don’t need me but I think we’re working well together considering we’re oil and water,” he said to only himself. Maybe 'blood of the covenant' worked better...

Lan Fan agreeing to sleep with him driving was more telling than any shared sense of concern she would’ve leaked. On his end he was in a brain that didn’t fit right, proportions were all off, her aura felt like a wet wool sweater. Just awful. When he'd been vomiting words at her it was a little better, but her mind would immediately darken if he left her to her own devices. That's why he hadn't.

Shit was real serious. She didn’t have to grip him that tightly, it felt like a clammy hand on the back of his neck. He was semi glad she had been keeping away from him and didn't pick up on his own panic. Much. Those ‘what if’s’ had been getting loud. If he hadn't been supporting her he knew that without a shadow of a doubt she was on her absolute last legs right now. Knowing her, the second he asked her to relax she could have pulped him like an overripe mango.

He had felt the punch that she was more than a little broken up by the fact Ling wasn't in here with them and he was similarly put out by finding her mugging at him rather than who'd he'd gotten used to. He had known it was someone he knew who expected him to be there so not a total stranger! He wasn't sure if a bum off the street would've been better or not even now. If he'd been found earlier at least they wouldn't be in this death rush, though something about the timing… He had a feeling Ling had somehow been out of commission as well.

He had to wait for some time but this /was/ better than getting picked up by a crow cause he was shiny. Flying would have been cool though...maybe next time. He jumped and swung impossibly far to the next stand of trees. A crow probably would have died taking in the stone anyways. 

As Ling he'd probably feel more tired by now. He'd hand it to her, Lan Fan was made for endurance. While super scary and hard to deal with she was also good for another thing, she would not stop until she found Ling and that was good. Her gripping him wasn’t going to stop him from borrowing her and he wasn’t gonna fall out. So why was she doing it so hard? Single minded fucking intensity. What was up with these people Ling associated with? The Yao clan has some focus he'll easily give 'em that too. Too dumb to do much else, that's why he fits right in he supposes. Boy is he glad Miss Pent Up was sleeping for that last thought.

Greed fiddled with her automail. He'd fixed the connectors but it was good to see how they worked from the outside too. Not having a bit of flesh where he normally expected a limb was weird but he didn't hate it. He smiled and cartwheeled off the last tree before he hit another clearing just because. That was much easier with a foot less limb to worry about! 

His new braid smacked him in the face. Ah. Now he understood the bun. Middle ground, he could curl the braid up into a bun! He wondered if she had any hair pins. Remembering the schematics of her arm he saw it had a few empty places to keep the design light and easy to use.

"Oh my god she does, what a trooper. Fucking Drachman army knife over here, I love it. Ling barely keeps a fucking hair tie!" he muttered while slowing down to find hair thin catches on the underside to mess with. He didn't want to mess with her settings too much, her always keeping things just so, but the lure of compartments was too strong.

-

He plucked out a familiar set of packets of powder in his search. "Ohhohohoho is this /poison/? Must be for special occasions! I'll let a lady keep her secrets but not any of these. What else is in here— A FUCKING PEN, WOW." He'd sat down again, night was in less than an hour and he smelled enough smoke to know he was right outside a bigger town. Had to be a node on a supply route through a mountain pass to be put here in the sticks. His internals told him he was infinitely closer than when he started today. 

"A lens, is that for fire-starting? Useful!"

He slouched over, cross-legged, reminding him of the posture another body of his liked to take. This one didn't ease into it so easily.

He touched the pinky on the metal hand. "One of the fingers presses back in a nail file for the other hand- that's genius! Whoever made this, ah, Winry. Right," Edward had come bearing a gift when he'd last visited. She was too good for the bastard. Any human was too good for him. He deserved something more his speed, like a trained raccoon. Something with rabies.

"Everyone should have one of these, if Ling's lost an arm when we find him I'm not even trying growing it back." He would rather not entertain the thought that Ling was missing an arm. "Maybe he wants two extra arms? I'll haveta ask him. Winry'd be down for experimenting. She's a freak just like Ed."

Encroaching on the borders of the rundown town he noted disrepair that looked recent. The buildings were nicely built but badly upkept, livestock were around less than they should be and less than quality when they were. 

It was half abandoned. Looked to his eyes like someone had set up shop and was sucking this hamlet dry. He didn't need to check to know he had the right idea that he should stop here.

The town was built on the lower lumbar of the spine of the mountain that stretched far above him. The houses were set on stairways of flat land that someone long ago had dug out. There were a lot of pipes to make sure water didn’t pool on these flat cups and rather would run down and away. Whoever had made the town had a clear idea of what they wanted, too bad someone had been ‘round since then to knock down a quarter of the houses with neglect. Still others were obviously abandoned, doors and windows gaping open to empty insides. Greed could see the chimneys of only a few of the colorful roofs had smoke. 

"Can just put 'em on the shoulder blades, it'll be great! We'd both get two arms all the time it's perfect-" he still was chattering under his breath while he ran and observed. 

"Oooo I am such a genius," she stirred at his pumped up congratulatory tone. "Shh, shh, go back to sleep." As much as he was enjoying her company (that thought was less sarcastic than he expected!), she needed to sleep. His gab seemed to keep her under.

She started to dream about trying in vain to find something. Nope! None of that! He hadn’t asked her if she wanted him to put a stop to dreaming but she needed to sleep! Therefore, he was not gonna wake her up to see if she wanted it. First time was free- special one time service. Altering memories wasn't something he could do but stopping and starting chosen ones was easy. Dreams were just memories and other stuff in a blender. Pushing her consciousness deep enough where they stopped was child's play, especially while she wasn't aware. 

"'Kay, let's see here, passing cottage home, that cloak is mine now, throw money at door, Okay. Little damp from the laundry line but I'll be moving fast enough that that won't be a problem!" He was going to need to interact with others and that meant changing Lan Fan's look. Her arm was too recognizable so he'd hide it. Plus, he liked a good long piece of clothing flapping behind him. It was in the tenants of subterfuge. Lan Fan hadn't packed much money but his hands were quick when they were at the palace. He got her yelling and he was grabbing before she even knew. He'd been getting good at holding mental eye contact while moving physically. Another Ling trick. ...Speaking of...

"Ling's alive but hope he's okay…" Ugh emotion, yuck. That would get much worse if he wasn't (okay) so Greed knew he needed to hustle. 

Distractions, yeah, he was good at them, like patting your head and rubbing your middle. Took practice but was like riding a bike. Ling liked magic tricks and magic is allll about the distraction. Can Ling ride a bike? This was why Greed needed him around, he had questions he needed to cross reference.

"Wonder if Lan Fan can ride a bike? Can probably bike faster than run when we get him…"

He passed a sign that said room and board. 

\----------

_.....!_

Welcome back, don't startle, Yeah I know you're awake just hold on. Mountain inn, asking some questions, lemme handle it. Getting closer now but would like to know some info considering I have an idea where he might be but no way to get there. If Greed was right it involved getting through solid rock, and who was he? His brother? When he’d got to town he knew he’d have to hit up the locals and there hadn’t been too many out and about. He had even heard some distant doors slam when he’d appeared on the scene. Luckily he’d found a communal watering hole.

Thank fuck people don't care as much about accents here. I was a bit worried since I don't think they see a lot of tourists but apparently there's a trade route not far from here so it works out fine. 

Lan Fan had flung herself half awake but Greed kept her from spluttering with a firm hand. He'd been in the middle of introducing himself.

"Bounty. Don't give me any lip, I'm looking for a Li," Greed was loud and got in the barkeep's face. The man viewed him incredulously. "I'm not from around here jackass, cantcha’ tell?" he answered the question the man had asked with the questing look.

"Gimme some hootch."

Lan Fan internally furrowed her brow wanting to voice a complaint.

Just a glass, hush, I've got a thing. 

She settled down, reluctantly.

Playing up the foreign act is good! It's way more obvious to have an imperial guard asking questions than a foreigner poking around town, trust me. Your mask is in the bag and the bag is under a wagon outside. That thing is visibly /loaded/ with explosives and sundries.

He slung back the glass handed to him. "Tastes like pond water! Alright, any of yous seen a Li? Black hair, got a lot of nasty shit attached to him, lives in these mountains? Might be working for a problem y'all have in these said mountains?"

Greed tapped a foot and craned his head at the regulars one by one. "Take your time, I'll wait. I'm a busy worker bee."

Cloak is to hide your automail. It's too custom, Yes I paid for it. Sort of. He anticipated a lot of her questions easy but mainly he needed to listen to outside stimuli.

"It'll be a problem for us if you fuck with what's up in those mountains," said the guy who owned the place. Lan Fan didn't know how Greed knew he did, but he was sure.

"Would not be so sure about that! I assure you I'm very good. Your mountain problem will be a mountain memory, you get me? I'm not even from here, no skin off your noses letting me go. Won't even mention I stopped by if you're worried about it," Greed took a chair and draped himself over it.

One of the other men in the bar walked over and stood in front of him. Bait was taken, it seemed.

"There is a possibility I may have seen a Li," he said conversationally.

"And how possible is that, what makes it more possible?"

_How do you know one of them is named Li?_

There's a zillion Lis, odds are in our favor. 

"Mm, something that jingles," said the man. His clothes were clearly one of the only things he owned and his breath smelled cheap. Lan Fan didn't have faith that the man knew anything, but Greed seemed like he wanted to pursue it. She didn't fight him but she did catch sight of her everything over in the mirror on the wall.

_I DON'T LIKE MY FACE DOING THAT, OR MY STANCE OR—_

Greed kept his face light and impassive as she yelled at him. (Yet another skill he'd gotten used to). For being so background and good at gathering intel he couldn't believe she was this naive.

GOOD, IT'S LESS RECOGNIZABLE. YOU WALK LIKE A GUARD. DANGEROUSLY CLOSE TO COP, LAN FAN. YOU DON'T WANT TO LOOK LIKE A COP IF YOU'RE TRYING TO GET INFORMATION. IF YOU GOOSE STEPPED IN HERE WE'D BE FLAYED. 

He calmed down. He liked to teach.

Let old Greed show you how to skeeze. 

_I am sure I could take them._

Weren't you the one complaining about being on a time crunch? This is Educational. Just sit back and watch. You catch more flies with jingle jangle than slashy washy. 

_Hate those words. Hate you._

Mmm hmm, I know, be patient. Greed's working. Finally, something he could actualy do. While you're waiting, place your bets on where they're hiding him. I'm gonna sayyyy old cave system, or a mine. What've you got? 

"I don't got too much jingle but maybe this can jangle your memory- I got a bounty and some collateral damage lined up. Doin' a little side job for an up and comer gang capital side. Sending my ass all the way out here, no way to treat a lady of my caliber and I may actually be talking about a gun cause damn am I good at putting holes in people!" Lan Fan heard herself voice a disgusting wheeze of a laugh.

_Do people talk like this? Do you hang around people that actually talk like this? They had talented alkahestry users I would say underground base._

I'm good at underground so fingers crossed! Now we're cookin', but I'd say entrance is still mine. Maybe a partially defunct mine so they could use the abandoned segments without attracting attention going in and out of the active portion. It's how these things go, aint it? 

_Tryingly, yes._

That's using the old criminal noggin I'm proud of you! After this is done you're welcome to join my gang as long as you learn how to walk like a not a cop. Greed nearly fell out of the chair he’d lain on.  OH! HELL! YOU BARELY MET MY GUYS. THEY'D ADORE YOU. You'd break their hands and they'd be Smitten, I promise! 

He'd been questioning the guy in front of him the whole time but Lan Fan saw that Greed was paying more attention to everyone else. She wasn't sure what he was doing.

"So, Li, or do I take my money, myself, and a finger of yours to the next inn?" Some threats never hurt. The hurt usually came after the threats.

I got some guys with automail themselves that'd love to test against yours but seeing as I'd be the one having to chip in to fix their broken stuff I'd prefer if you stuck to the flesh contests. 

_I met them briefly when I was still looking to see where you both had gone. They said 'fuck if I know', when I asked them, by the way._

WAHAHA, -Yeah- they would! 

She wondered if that's what passed for loyalty in lower circles. 

_I could have done this part._ As far as she could tell what he was doing was nothing special.

Oh hold on, I'm not done.  Greed rounded away from the man he'd been talking to the entire time and Lan Fan felt him almost pouncing. "YOU. Scrub who's going to the door. You know anybody?" 

Another man froze from his inching egress to said exit some feet away.

"Keep the money as a reward for trying to fleece me, my fine gentleman. Next time you say you know a Li, make sure it's the right one," he pushed a sack of coin at the man who gaped at him. Greed knew it would go straight to the bar, so he didn't mind. They looked like they needed a leg up around here.

"SCRUB, LET US CHAT OUTSIDE." He scooted over to the frozen man and steered him out the door. The others made no move to even look at him and restarted their chatter.

_This part I can do, or are you still posturing for the degenerates inside?_

Lan Fan had been so patient, she deserved a reward! Plus he'd felt her getting antsy.

"Nope go ahead, you've been so kind. Save some bloodlust for later though, we might have a full night ahead!" He elected to say that one out loud for the struggling man they had guided neatly behind the wagons and watched him pale.

He side stepped Lan Fan as she eagerly took initiative. The only audible things were a few hissed askances and the wet smack of metal on flesh.

Get loud, cause a ruckus, throw cash around, flush a rat, easy peasy. 

Night had fallen well before Greed had been in the inn. When Lan Fan dropped the man her eyes scanned the dark rocky pathways leading into the mountains. He'd worked for a band of mercenaries that had mixed with a few other bands to form a conglomerate of problems. It went pretty high up by even this know-nothing’s reckoning when she had pulled it out of him. The mercenaries had been the ones slowly bleeding the town and most of the residents that could afford to move had done so about a month ago when other nastier customers had shown up.

This was it, this was the last leg to get Ling, and she was -so close-. What if- What if they were too late? What if—? 

You’re being summoned. Right now. Go climb that rock and sit for a second, no arguing. 

She didn’t have time for this she had to-

You aren’t good for me or him if you’re all messed up. Focus. 

Unlike before Greed didn’t goad her into going ‘in’ herself. He just yanked her bodily when she did climb up high and out of the way to sit. He felt a flash of irritation from her that it was apparent that he could have done this the whole time but she didn’t bring it to the forefront so he wouldn’t either. It was time for a pep talk. Quickly. They had things to /do/. 

She was in the familiar dark expanse and it was him again. The older one. 

“We don’t have a lot of time so I’m gonna make this expedient. You and me are gonna do this right and we’re gonna get it done. He’s in there Lan Fan. And he knows we’re out /here/.” Greed could not explain how he knew, but he was sure. 

“Ling better be almost dead or he’s gonna get his ass beat like an egg. Solemn vow, Lan Fan." Greed put his hand over where his heart would be. "Making us come all the way out here. He should have escaped Days ago. Better have himself a damn good reason he didn’t! If he is not tied down to a bed or locked in a cell I will dislocate his legs. If he's undamaged he's gonna Get Damaged.” Greed pounded a fist into his palm for emphasis. 

“Promised he wouldn’t come to harm under my watch but that does not mean he’s not gonna be harmed while I watch myself do it.” 

Lan Fan didn’t even react angrily, still chewing a nail, eyes darting around. “We will visit this eventuality when we get there.”

Greed would take that! It wasn’t a no! 

“You’ll eventually have to fix anything you do to him or is that not how it works?” she asked. If it did turn out he was fine (he was he was he was) she didn’t want Greed doing anything stupid. (And she wasn’t checking that he still could fix him if Ling wasn’t fine!).

“Oh yeah, eventually, sure, sure yeah. Dislocations are easy fixes, barely count. Long as it's mostly surface damage it's fine! Easier it is to heal naturally the easier it is for me to do. For example: paper cuts take like no time flat!” Greed was just explaining how he worked, not assuaging her fears. 

“Feel free to rub some salt in it, doesn't hinder me at all either way," he grinned, “thin skin cuts that seal themselves, mid to deep bruises, those are like half hour jobs! Probably get a proper dislocation raring to good in like an hour or two! Used to be instantaneous but you know how it is.” She did know bigger things Ling incurred took more time. Greed always complained as such. 

He flashed more teeth at her meanly, “If pressed I could whip something good out but you know how lazy I am! -Very-!” Sounding so put-upon should be a sport. He'd win.

“Still, dance card is open to kicking Ling directly in his legs. Lotta options! Feel free to mix and match as needed! We will descend on him like a wild animal, my dear. You know, if he's intact.” Just for a second she felt a whirling cloud of fear and realized that those feelings of unease were not all coming from her.

Seemingly oblivious, Greed had kept talking, “I only ask not the face cause that's mine too. Periodically. The smirk and eyes are /all/ mine so at least try to avoid those bits.” 

Her thoughts were still racing in the background. 

Time for big guns.

“No matter what you can rely on me. I’ll protect you.”

And /that/ snapped her at least partially out of it because she was -horrified- to know that he was SERIOUS. 

Greed looked at her expression as well as the fact that she took a step backward and explained angrily to distance himself from the sincerity that, “It is -literally- my function. I’m a shield. Did you Forget? It’s my JOB? Since I’m with you and it’s Your body we’re in I’m doing it for you, stupid! (Cause it’s for my own benefit too!)” He threw his hands up angrily, he didn’t need her balking now. She didn’t step more away from him but she did not get closer, either. 

“I’ll back off a little but I’m not taking it back.” In direct opposition to this statement he sidled up to her closer but more visibly now that he had a body that she could see it made her feel even more gross. Before she could react he rested an arm on her shoulder, smushing her to his side in a grasp of camaraderie. Placing a hand gently on his chest next to her he closed his eyes smugly, “Don’t worry so much, we’ll get him. Together! I got you!” 

Her expression was utterly vacant and her body was limp in Greed’s arm. Had his words of support stunned her to silence?

“Greed'll take care of it!” he admonished positively, granting her a genuine smile. 

He felt small hands grip his arm. Oh, was she returning the contact? Finally? His next thought was blasted out by the points of white hot pain in said arm. SHE WAS BITING HIM? Her teeth punctured the skin and ripped viciously into him. He howled and shook at her but that made her just grip tighter. What the -hell- was she, a fucking crocodile?

“LEGGO YOU LITTLE MONSTER. I’M TRYING TO COMFORT YOU!” Him screaming and shaking her didn’t do much but in working with animals he’d learned a lot of tricks. He pinched her nose until she had to relax her jaw to breathe (this was in their collective brain, but instincts won out) and pushed her off of him. He backed quickly away and she glowered at him from where he tossed her.

She was more focused now! Only two thoughts dominated her brain; they were gonna go get Ling and she would possibly like to bite Greed again. Greed sighed, whatever fucking worked. He booted her back out with no ceremony.

Lan Fan stood back up from the rock she perched on, looking for any sign of what that little idiot her and Greed had knocked around had told them.

Mine entrance by a waterfall, my oh my aren't we stereotypical? Speaking of, what is with Ling and holes in the ground? Do we wanna try sneaking around tunnels to a back way in or just go in guns blazing? 

She took the switchback paths, pelting up the mountain like a goat. Greed enjoyed the night vision. Of course there were traps but what did these idiots take them both for? Greenhorns? Greed scoffed at an especially clumsy one halfway up that didn't even hide a second trap next to it. Sloppy!

Lan Fan was mostly focused on how close they were getting but gave him a vague non comment on ripping the place up going in. She favored quiet until she desired to not be.

Subterfuge is not my baseline, you understand. Maybe teach me a few things?  he asked sweetly. 

She was pulling herself up a cliff but he heard what could have been a grunt of 'sure'.

I know my way around vents and whatnot if I do say so myself so if there're any of those around that'll be my main contribution. 

_We find Ling first. Kill anyone who sees us so they cannot make any noise. If they send an alarm they could collapse the tunnels and escape._

Two weeks is long enough that I'm less than kind, that's fine by me. Saw by the inn that they'd been making this place hell for the inhabitants for a while. Greed didn't stay angry for long but once he got going, well, things got done.

There was the waterfall, it was huge and dropped off into a pit below. The moon was out but it was only a crescent. They hid under a damp shelf of rock, away from prying sentries. Greed picked up an old question to ask Lan Fan again.

You want the shield now- yay or nay? Makes for a good entrance and blends into the shadows real nice. I've always kinda wondered how a bright white mask avoids being spotted at night. You'll have to tell me sometime. How about trying something in a grey? That question was asked much too excitedly and with way too many teeth.

She told him how she worked now, the answer was simple enough. 

"I'm just good."

Aren't we humble! 

Her resolve to get her lord was lead lined but her resolve regarding Greed's skills was a sheet in a hurricane. 

Try an arm out, see how it fits- I can do claws or no claws if you prefer holding your hand in a fist or throwing stuff, your call. I dunno what works best for you. Claw length? Inch? Finger-by-finger basis, I'm not afraid to customize! He could add salesman to his recent repertoire after this.

 _People pleaser._ That was most likely her yes, he did aim to please.

Gotta get your perks in while ya can— Homunculus joyrun packages don't come often. I'm your humble servant cause I sure ain't the emperor, currently.

He was wheedling her. But she could not say she wasn't curious. She'd seen Ling and wondered. He was always wildly enthusiastic. Greed was still listing types of claws and it appeared like he wasn't listening to her. 

_...can you make spikes on the knuckles? I usually have spiked bands I use._

That made him /very/ attentive. His keen regard was like an oven at her back

OOHH YOU'RE CREATIVE, lessee, think I can make that happen! Hold your arm up, you'll wanna see. 

She did so away from the way out under the shelf after rolling up her sleeve and taking her gauntlets off at a nudge from Greed. She knew there would be lights.

It's gonna be dark inside, gotta appreciate it in the light while we can, he beamed.

He did something that didn't quite feel like when she used the pulse or that other thing he'd been doing to find Ling. Her fingers began to turn blackish grey. She had thought it would hurt but received something like a 'pssh' directed at that thought. The process took only a few seconds though she knew he'd drug it out so she could really watch. There was no mistaking the smug air.

Matchy, matchy, though this one's a little less shiny. Her new arm was dun when compared to the metal of her other one. She wondered which was sharper.

She didn't need him jabbing at the fact he'd done the knuckles too, she could see. It was heavy but so was her automail. She'd have to take into account there'd be less of a counterbalance to worry about. Trailing a claw on a rock she saw it sunk in with a bare amount of pressure. She didn't -dislike- it.

You like? Upgrading to the full package? Yes or no, we don't have forever to mess with this so if it's a hassle let's just skip it . 

He feigned disinterest but he was practically rattling her off the outcropping they were perched on. Such a show off. 

_Yes._

She heard a whoop but she didn't see any more red energy. He was waiting for something.

She sighed. _YES, I WANT IT._

He spoke to her as she felt the skin on her body harden.

Communication is another skill Ling taught me. It was almost tinged with mockery but too full of good humor and a dark excitement.

_Given our noisy endless trip he taught you too well._

I'm always overzealous. 

_Clearly._

The ultimate shield closed over her face. Steam leaked from a mouth that felt much more dangerous. Feelings could be infectious, she supposed. He had sidled closer to her than he'd been and she felt both a boost of energy and that sensation that wasn't just the pulse.

Simple zest for life. 

_If you need to get this close keep… yourself to yourself. I am going in. I do not need you butting in and getting us noticed. Just tell me which doors to take and otherwise stay back._

He tilted her waist in a bow, After you, mademoiselle. 

_Don't._

Being so close Greed could now not help but spy that she’d missed ‘this’. 

Him, specifically. 

He kept a hold on himself, barely. He thanked the stars he’d been used to shoving shit under the rug from Ling. He was flabbergasted. She had missed him? /Specifically/ him? 

The person in question hadn’t noticed him mentally lagging behind as she crept purposefully toward the entrance of the cave, and if it went well, what they came here for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and big one OVER! we're reaching the first climax here!


	6. Got You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our two and a half parties finally meet after a breakneck pace and a hell of a lot of sitting around. (Latter and former). Everyone was stressed and that was the binding thread that drew them together, and also some weird homunculus bullshit!

"-and that was the time I ordered my teacher killed!"

A lesser man would have gone hoarse long ago but nothing about Ling was lesser when being aggravating was the name of the game. His unadorned cell and/or hospital bed was ringed by mercenaries that were pretty close to killing him. (If the fact that they were shaking in thinly veiled violence was anything to go by. Not even mentioning that Ling was pretty good at annoying people to within an inch of his life.) For taking his methods of attack and defense away (the weapons he kept on him, inadvertently- the homunculus he had /with/ him) they missed a pretty big one, maybe even his best, when they left his tongue in his head. 

"Make him stop talking. Just have him say what we want!" one barked at the men who'd been in charge of making Ling hurt to spur his cooperation for these many hours. He can't have both!

"You /wanted/ me to talk so I am talking!" Ling snickered, "this is a good part, did you know he didn't die and then tried to make me form a pact with an alien plant? True story, ask your guy that you paid all that money over there," Ling indicated the older man who had his back against the wall and his head in his hands with a jerk of his chin.

A muffled "True" fell shakily from between his fingers. 

It had been a long twelve hours since the emperor decided he wanted to chat.

Ling cast about for another good one. “Let me tell you about the time I went to hell you'll like.... hmm /Hello/... You’ll like this story because I obtain a Philosopher's stone at the end!” Raising his head slightly off the slab of a bed, no pillow even, they really were torturing him!- he smiled slightly. He’d been feeling the growing energy getting closer since it had knocked him for a loop early this morning. (He supposed it was the morning, it was when he’d been woken up).

It had made good time! Now it was nearly on top of him. Though a few hours ago it had gotten muted. If he hadn’t known /just/ what to look for, he could have missed it! It was a good thing, he supposed, this place was crawling with people adept at detecting others. 'Course it had to come pick him up when things were finally getting a little fun.

Killjoy.

Ling didn’t find it very fair that Greed could still use the dragon’s pulse without him but they’d been teaching Alphonse. The odd pull was directly above him, which meant he was indeed underground. He should have guessed. He knew it felt damp. They could disguise it with lamps but you just couldn’t hide cave lighting.

“JUST SKIP TO THE END,” one of the others ordered angrily, he brandished a spear well within range of Ling’s body to be of use.

“Where's the fun in that? Besides, if I time it right you might even get a visual tie in to the story!”

Ling wondered when Lan Fan would show or would Greed get to him first? Maybe she elected to stay behind to take care of anyone trying to escape— or was she causing a distraction? That felt like her. He’d probably be hearing explosions any minute now. He hoped that she hadn’t been hurt like he had in the older explosion, but he’d made a point to duck her completely before going to that remote garden.

Nevertheless! It was two whole /weeks/ since he’d been here! Greed better have a Damn good set of reasons why he hadn’t shown (or been able to be sensed?) until now! Lan Fan must have had such a hard time if it had taken her this long. She wouldn’t take any explanation of what had probably happened to hold them up as an excuse. She was so hard on herself! Ling hoped Greed had kept an eye on her. In times of stress she was liable to do many things that weren't the best for her health. Even as emperor Ling would never chastise her for taking her time! She was the type to do much more than she should in his name and something like this? Him being missing?! How could he be disappointed in her speed?

Greed he could be! Ling was /very/ disappointed in him (he was really coming! For real!!) His manners really needed work. (YES! /YES/.) Ling would surely address him with the dignity of his position as the ruler of wherever this was from his position of still strapped to a cot and nearly dead. (GREED WAS COMING! YESSS!!!)

Ling was jabbering about being in blood hell with Edward but he’d told the story enough times where he didn’t need to pay much attention to it. 

Thinking about it again, Greed being in Ed would be the funniest thing in the world, but Ling would have been able to track Ed. Unless Greed had gotten better at masking two people in two weeks? Maybe they’d found a way to bind him to armor like Alphonse but being a homunculus that would probably be a lot to pull off without a lot of planning. Greed had told him the soul thing was still important.

Mei, could be Mei? She could hide herself better than they could. Nah, he had ruled that one out early on. If they let Mei come alone to a cave full of DIRTY STINKING RATS- his kind factotums he’d been playing with this entire time—?

She would have Greed just in case and more likely kill them all on her own, but still!

\---------

_So- left or right?_

The place was a nest of tunnels, Lan Fan hadn’t noticed any marks telling the people who used them where to go so they must have had the directions memorized. They hadn’t seen anyone yet but there were clues of human habitation the farther in they went.

He's sort of just...down? A little to the right so maybe that way? There was a tunnel that branched off and down into a blind corridor that looked about right. Three dimensions makes specific choices hard. Just find a wall and hug it. Maze rules. Let's labyrinth this bitch. Can also try getting a guard to talk when we find one but they might just scream - does that poison you have numb people at all or just kill ‘em?

_...Have you been going through my things?_

The guilty squirm told her yes.

Only Some of them and nothing internal, swear on Ling! Just needed some hair pins. Nothing too nosy- for me anyways. 

Lan Fan didn’t have her bun right now with the shield (she’d seen Ling’s hair come back so it BETTER be the same here) but it had felt different before. She had noticed it but had been too busy to comment. Greed showed her what he’d done instead.

YOU LIKE? It's a /super easy/ braid. I'll teach you later if you want, it's great. 

_GREED. I THOUGHT YOU LEARNED A LESSON. ABOUT TOUCHING THINGS._

He rambled on, absorbed in his own rhythm, Hell, I can just leave the knowledge here if you want- 

Stopping to peer around a sharp corner she frustratingly knew a few different ways to coil hair that she didn’t before.

 _DON'T JUST DROP STUFF IN MY MIND. HOW DO YOU DO THAT?_ she yelled mentally. She didn’t like that she couldn’t even shut him up under the guise of needing to be quiet. She could be as loud as she wanted in her mind. Her mental angry shriek did nothing to puncture the small echo of her footsteps and the light dripping noise of water from the walls. She could even hear the roaring from the waterfall.

It's pretty easy, Ling was such an open book unless I asked about specific no fly zone shit that he practically gave shit away which, again, wasn’t used to. Keep hugging this wall and then make that left, there’s more air down that way, he explained.

_So it's /LING'S/ hair knowledge???_ Ling didn’t know anything practical, and why did Greed? 

Oh no, I’m talking generally. Probably not his, most of it, that kid knows dick all about hair styling. Not very sure because we threw a lot of shit in the communal box. 

_WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?_

Hopefully you don't stick around to find out, no offense. Things got a little shuffled after the central massacre mind meld so we just threw some things in the middle since we couldn't remember what went where. I used to think my favorite color was red but I’m a red and yellow guy now. It’s gold, so that’s fine by me. 

She heard noises of activity distantly and even though Ling wasn’t projecting his chi Lan Fan thought she could feel it. Even though Greed hadn’t stopped talking she could tell he was paying a /lot/ of attention to that.

Did Ling always know how to whistle or did he take that from me? Be honest. I still feel like it was mine but understand that is my default feeling about everything. Little monster dropped off a ton of half-remembered biwa lessons so if you wanna take a cenz leave a cenz feel free to dump junk you don't want in exchange. Especially if calligraphy is up for grabs.

_You two are the weirdest things on this earth._ Her voice had lost a lot of the sickened quality, or it could be that so close to her quarry her mood was improving. Greed’s was. 

Aww, you don't wanna be included? I feel like you're an honorary member now. Wanna be part of club fuck up? Hardly even honorary, you're only the third human-based homunculus to ever live. Ain't that fun?! Can get you a medal and everything! 

_We both know I am rescinding my membership at the earliest opportunity,_ she snipped. 

We’ll still put you in the jam of the month club! 

Something about the way Greed said jam made her feel uncomfortable. He was giving her a /look/ and she didn’t need to see it.

I KNOW YOU PUT ME IN A JAM JAR, DEAREST. NOT COOL. I COULD RECOGNIZE THE RATTLING, he lashed with reproach. 

Lan Fan refused to be ashamed and her face was too grey to color with an embarrassed blush. 

_Were you AWARE?_ She asked incredulously. That didn’t make sense!

Somewhat. Sounded kinda’ echoey but could sorta almost make things out? Like being at the bottom of a well. Was callin’ for someone to pick up the phone, putting out as many weird vibes as I could for one of you magical mythic people to come get me. This whole country is just broken by the way. Greed had been letting her exclusively move since they had entered the cave but he borrowed an arm to gesture around, indicating the entire country with the sweep. 

Then I felt a /hand/- a recognizable hand, even! Her arm came up and flexed fingers in her eye line.  Yours probably, by what my instincts tell me- getting the feel round here. Seems like a safe bet since I saw that jar when we came to. And also it was three full days of just the same signature near me. 

He would thumb his nose at her if he had one.

Took a while to commit, huh? Would've figured it'd be way longer than three days for you to break! I think it was three days. Time in the stone is always kinda ‘eh’. Don’t even ask how being in dad felt cause I'm pretty sure I can remember some of it and I don't wanna. You can take those memories for free- hell, I'll even pay you for it. By the way, I’d peg our estimated arrival at less than ten minutes, can’t wait! He had to tease her a little, she’d been desperate but maybe if she’d gotten used to his assistance before they would have been doing this sooner.

‘Ten minutes closer to me punting this idiot back where he belongs, dammit,’ Wait, when had she started thinking ‘where he belongs’?

_I have caught second-hand Stockholm syndrome._

She rounded on Greed who was innocently not addressing her. 

_You've been messing with my head! Changing my opinions on things without telling me!_

You're pinning a lot of shit on me that I could not do even if I wanted to, nobody changes your opinion, 'cept you. So take it up with yourself, there. Most likely you've finally realized having me around has actually been a net positive for Ling and his mental and physical setup. 

That was one of the things he’d been trying to tell her since he’d been back, and especially on this trip. A wicked idea came to mind. He’d risk it.

You could get rid of me, he half stated/half asked. She really could. Greed's ostensive usefulness to her was disappearing at the same rate Ling was getting closer.

Her out of place dismay said that his gamble netted him a reward, because while he could feel that her feelings on that are /complicated/ the thing she Says is:

_...no_

That earns a very big smile from him, it does.

Like this he has the privilege of knowing because she's shit at hiding stuff when she's on the ropes that it's not from a place of 'well Ling will never forgive me' but more from 'why would I?' (with only a light emphasis on 'bother') and a few impressions of him from different angles;

Him handing her one of his cakes from his plate distractedly and saying 'put this in your face, the green ones are the best'. When he was throwing Mei up in the air. His back, bent over papers, and she knows it's him because the curses are too advanced for Ling.

Back before, when he was telling people in Amestris to fuck off if they we’re injured. Him telling a crappy joke that gets Ling on the floor laughing because his delivery is too damn good and because it's her memory he knows that when she turned her back in exasperation she was /smiling/. The feeling she'd felt when he called for her to cut Father's arm off and that she’d known what it meant and hesitated. 

Which is a thing Lan Fan, he knew, did not do for important things like that.

When they were like this a lot of things could be extrapolated from a simple 'no'.

Meanwhile, it had only been a half a day but Lan Fan was ready to /die/ for the eighth time. Even though she did not want to (ugh) she cannot help but see Greed’s various opinions on things because that's one thing he /never/ disguises. She made his very, very, short list of ‘IMPORTANT!!!!’ that was neatly lit in glowing neon with three underlines.

Because Greed feels skeezy taking all this information for free, (goes to show how much he’s changed), he gives her; watching her rub the side of her port near a nastier scar.

Him satisfied, watching her eat that green cake and knowing she enjoyed it because she shoved half of it in her mouth whole before glaring at him and slowing down.

The joy of seeing her kicking Edward’s bones out of his chest cavity.

And this one is hazy through drink and the fact that he’s not too together yet, but her asking Ling when he'd first got home to Xing and had regrets 'what would he (Greed) say?'.

The times he’d called her over and it didn't have to be Ling to do it to have her reciprocate, which were more frequent lately. 

Things like him watching them rip Gluttony apart in the woods and while Xing was a concept he was getting used to he knew he'd love to go anywhere these two went.

Those types of things.

And they both pretended he just suggested she could get rid of him and that she said ‘no’ and leave it at that.

  
  


Obviously also so Ling doesn't cry and abdicate and die in a ditch like he totally would.

She could not have that.

Wouldn't like that, would he—

-

Down the stairs here we're getting close - they've started paneling the walls. Every time you think no they cant be that stupid- 

_They are._

Expect the least and you'll never be disappointed! 

Relief and a bit of, was that- possessiveness radiated out from Lan Fan. That was -her- lord.

Greed dragged her eye to a semi-hidden wire bundle. 

Ohhh, is that an electrical line? Be a dear. 

\----------

“—and then I ate his shoe!!” 

The power chose that second to die with a snapping noise. 

“Ha Ha, seems like my timing might be a little off, but don't worry! This is the good part!” Ling radiated peace from his bed.

“WHAT IS GOING ON? FIX THAT,” someone said in the dark. It was not like the power hadn’t gone out before, by the types Ling saw walking around and the fact he knew he was probably underground, it was a miracle they had power at all. Ling had counted a few times since he’d been awake that it had spluttered or died. It was just this time it was timed around someone’s entrance. Probably because /of/ their entrance. He turned on his chi, he wanted Greed to find him before the back-up came on.

They only needed to send one unfortunate guard out of the room, but /two/ went. Ling still had his luck. It was quite dark, he didn’t have anything to look at, so he listened.

What was that, faintly, he could just barely hear it-

A muffled ‘AH-’

Would they go to investigate was the question? He heard two more argue viciously and leave. Wow. Maybe he could have escaped before. 

“The power probably won't be coming back on, what a shame. Might as well finish up that story you have been wanting me to tell!” Ling said jovially. 

There was just the one guard and Li something or other left. So many went out to look! He got their reasoning, he was infirm! He probably couldn’t even sit up on his own!

"So if it already wasn't obvious there is nothing special about me currently, and I don't know the specifics on how to make a stone," he deadpanned. "I did end up getting one, but it got taken! But I did get another back—"

“Stay here, you imbecile, he’s still telling the truth!” said the guy who’s name Ling had misplaced. Ling could hear some jostling as it sounded like the last mercenary wanted to leave. 

"The second one I also lost. Well, gave away. You have probably seen where that one went. The thing I learned is that the stone /does/ that. All the time! If it doesn't kill you, which it does the rest of the time. It is a red herring. Not worth your time. Why do you think I gave it away?”

Some thumps from far away echoed.

"Why do you think we stopped searching for it?"

Ling heard breaking glass. He didn’t think the other two in the room did, they were too riveted with him.

"It’s busted."

“What you're saying is there really is no reason to keep you alive,” said the thug that was left.

"Little late for threats!" said Ling. More importantly—

"I am telling you this, truthguy- I don't care to remember your name if you catch my drift, if you are ‘picking up’ what I am ‘putting down’, because you're real good at telling people secrets and I’m tired of getting kidnapped for this reason." He knew better than to write getting kidnapped off entirely, he was still a ruling power.

"So I wouldn't threaten your out."

He couldn’t see well with the angle from where he lay and the fact it was still pitch black but he heard the scuffle, the angry voice of the thug. Then something wet and a gurgle.

"Look at you being handsy with your protection, you got smart all of a sudden. You like walking free to continue telling people what they wanna hear," Ling would clap but he was still bound. He knew who was left.

"True."

"You probably won't let me free, though."

"Also true."

"Fair's fair." He couldn’t blame him, he was opportunistic as well. Things had gotten quiet outside his room, he’d be free in a moment on his own. He didn’t feel nearly as many people in this part of the mountain as there had been. Some were even rapidly leaving. 

On the breeze coming from the open door was a cackle that was horrific like a choking crow but so very lovely.

"That would be my exit. I’d get down and put your hands over your head if I were you."

That haunting red electricity was the only light source and oooh it was /funny/ to see that fanged face from an outside perspective, but oh so welcome. Ling heard a raw scream from the man he’d been toying with.

“LING, YOU DEAD IN HERE?” the homunculus growled. It was guttural, but Ling could hear the glee in it.

“NOT YET BUT GETTIN’ THERE!” he shot back.

“WANNA GO HOME OR YOU NOT DONE FUCKING AROUND?”

“I MEAN- MY STORY GOT A LITTLE INTERRUPTED- BUT YEAH, I COULD GO I GUESS,” he said like it pained him to leave.

“BROUGHT COOKIES.” 

“Aw, did Mei make them for me? Also you and whoever got suckered into partnering with you might need to carry me out because I am in shit shape, and also tied down.” 

Greed sauntered into the cell to Ling’s bedside, “'Aight.”

His claws made quick work of Ling’s bonds. Ling could see in the dark muzz that Greed gave him the once over and didn’t like what he saw. 

“Upsy daisy,” he said as he lifted Ling off the bed in a deadman’s carry. 

“Hahaha, oh god, that hurts!”

“Suck it up, whiner.”

“So cruel...apart for two weeks and that's all you have to say to me...I'm hurt...literally even!” Ling said sadly from Greed’s shoulders while he slumped like a sack of grain. He could feel Greed sigh. It was pretty jarring to feel it without his lungs being used to do it.

“Don’t make me spell it out. I came to get you didn't I? Should have ran the opposite way,” he chuckled.

“Yeah /eventually/! Took your sweet time, didn't you? Probably partying in the capital for weeks,” Ling accused. He hadn't meant to be very serious but a touch of it broke through anyway.

“Not my fault, ass! Exte..” Greed paused. Ling got the odd view of knowing someone was talking to him but being unable to hear, “We should go. Now.”

“Yeah let’s go.” Greed could fill him in when they were far away from here.

“That guy on the floor cowering?” Greed asked him with a shoulder nudge and a tilt of his head. Ling knew he wanted to know if he wanted him alive.

Ling looked in the dark in the direction of the truthsayer. “He is to tell everyone the beast came and got me and that the stone is bullshit, AREN'T YOU?”

"t..true.."

“Attaboy! See, we're good,” Ling pipped. He tapped Greed twice on the shoulder in an effort to get him moving, all this dangling off of him was making what blood he had left go to his head. 

“Best be leaving, I smell explosives, can’t hide that from my nose!” Lan Fan must have come with Greed after all, she had set all those for sure. “Let's go see the sun, can't wait to see how fucked up my side is.”

Greed trod lightly out of the room that had been Ling’s only view for a long chunk of time. Ling saw tunnels stretching far in front and behind them. Greed took off along the path that slowly bent upward. “It’s night sport, so you'll have to wait.”

A downtrodden ‘aww’ sounded off of Greed’s shoulder. “Whatever, star's're nice too. Also, where the fresh hell are we?” Ling asked, curious.

“Outskirts, waterfall, mineshaft,” Greed explained quickly.

Ling was getting tired of this typecast bull.

“It’s gonna be pretty cold?” He had clothes but they were the ones he’d nearly died in and his top robes were gone. 

“S'fine, stole a cloak you can borrow! I mean bought— there was a currency exchange.” Lan Fan had been letting them catch up but she wanted his attention all of a sudden. He hadn’t talked to Ling in an age, she could hold on!

“Emperor, not a cop. Better than I usually do, so works for me!” Ling had a pretty important thought, “so how long's the timer on those bombs or-”

A boom rocked the earth under their feet in the tunnels they had left. Lan Fan sighed.

“UH, NOW. HOLD ON.” Greed clenched Ling tighter and hauled himself up the tunnel paths. Lan Fan changed his footing a time or two when he almost went down the wrong way. 

Ling was getting jostled and he wasn’t strong to begin with, “DOIN’ MY BEST”.

“Do better!”

“Missed you /so/ much! Haven't eaten anything in weeks and you're giving me shit while setting off explosions. Unbelievable! They had me on a drip, do you know how lame that shit is? Super lame is the answer. In fairness I was intentionally comatose for quite a bit so their options weren't numerous-” He ran fingers along Greed’s cloak as he tried to find a better hand hold. “Are you wearing a gauntlet?"

“Yes.”

What a non answer, Greed must be embarrassed. “What, your armor ain't enough? Getting soft?” Ling needled. “Where is everyone?” 

“On their way, we’ll probably meet them halfway, keep your eyes open until then,” he huffed.

Ling probably only had a few more minutes without the livid stare of his bodyguard, “Lan Fan’s gonna be so fucking pissed…”

“YES SHE IS,” Greed said, but it didn’t sound sympathetic to Ling’s ears, more angry in and of itself. 

“I swear Greed, I don't know what I'd do without her!

“Die in a hole.” “Die, probably!”

“I feel like I heard two responses there but both are true and also I may or may not have head trauma from that explosion a few weeks back so it all checks out. Did she send you on this snipe hunt?” Ling cut himself off, he smelled outside air. It was delicious after air tainted with rubbing alcohol, too many people who didn’t wash regularly living in an enclosed space, and terrible air flow.

“Last bomb is going off in 3..2.. “ a louder detonating clap was the final straw for the mine shaft, it was old and in need of repair before they had firebombed it. Greed crossed that one off the ‘do when I'm alive’ shit list. It had sat on there for a while because he wasn't allowed to blow the palace up.

“Hope a few people made it out so they can communicate to others how stupid that was to do that to me,” Ling griped. What was the point of causing such a large swathe of mayhem if nobody knew about it? 

“They're probably dead. Might've been a back door? Not our problem,” Greed said equitably.

“It is not!” Ling agreed. They had put him through enough that they very much deserved the random chance of what awaited them.

“Even though we blew the shit out of that tunnel we should probably move a mite farther away from the entrance before trying to set you down. Do you think you're actively dying or can you hold on for, like, fifteen more minutes while I run our asses down this cliff? Greed asked.

“I’m good, you got a cookie? I smell cookies.”

One track mind. (Greed should know.)

“Yeah if you can grab it out of the bag while we jog, it's yours.”

Greed thought he heard ‘I think I can manage’ but Ling’s mouth was already full of cookie so possibly not. He re-situated Ling on his back and hoofed it. Crumbs went everywhere as Ling chewed and stole a few more.

“Don't eat too much solid food at once or you'll probably barf.” Nobody could say that he didn’t care.

“That’s a problem for future Ling!” Ling already sounded a little stronger. Greed didn’t understand how his awful body functioned and he’d been wearing it for years.

Okay, we sitting in the woods like animals or we going into the weird mountain town? Also should probably take the shield off soon darlin’ it'll hurt like a bitch the longer you leave it up. I'd like to be safe before this bullshit soul transfer 'cause we'll be comatose most likely but it’s up to you. 

_I think I will... leave it for, um, the practice,_ Lan Fan hesitated. Greed had felt her calming down the second he’d laid hands on Ling and gotten them out of there but she jumped back up to near painful alertness at Ling seeing her like she was. He’d track back to it.

Speaking of rescinding memberships what all is the plan vis a vi me moving from you to Ling? Don't like the idea of being knocked out with no one we know nearby. How long you think till we find the others? Could wait for them. We might also...need Mei for this to work right.

Ling was done eating for the moment as he fought some nausea from partaking in pure sugar for his first meal of freedom. 

"Greed hey, you never told me, who you got with you? Hey bud-"

A hand of his weakly slapped the shield.

Hell. 

Lan Fan was busy emoting ‘no no no no’ so Greed didn’t think it very fair of him to answer Ling’s question alone.

“Is it Ed? Bet its Ed, height seems about right, YOU EMBARRASSED PAL? COME TO GET YOUR NEMESIS? BET THAT STINGS," Ling couldn’t resist yelling even though he paid for it when his side started to throb in time to his now labored breathing.

"You're lucky it /isn't/ Ed or he would've dropped you. Would've kicked the side of you that looks like ground beef!" Greed mocked. That was more than he should have said.

"Speaking of stings, god my side, wait, what? It looks like what and Ed what?" He tried to catch Greed’s eye but he wasn’t looking at him.

"...yeah maybe we should stop and put bandages on him real quick."

"Alphonse?"

"Shut up. I'm putting you down on this rock. Don't fall over." Greed placed Ling down much more delicately than his tone belied. Ling still hissed in agony. There was just enough light to see properly and Greed was both glad he couldn’t feel what he saw presently and oddly wishing to commiserate. 

"We have to go a ways to shelter and I don’t think you wanna be conscious anymore, am I right? Do you want a knockout pill or something? Boy, you are really fucked up- just like, don't look towards your side— that's a thing right?" His tone was light but Ling knew it to be strained enough that he should keep his eyes off the part of him radiating pain.

"Yes please," Ling asked, his voice a bit fluttery.

"Cool. We probably have those, right?" 

Lan Fan do we have those? 

_Check the care package._ She jumped again at getting addressed directly. Greed had the feeling she was trying very hard to act like this wasn’t happening and that it would go away if she stayed very still. Now that Ling was in her eye line she had begun to unravel and also realize what exactly she had done. She was having a little crisis and he left her to it. He dumped the bag on the ground and went for the first aid kit.

"That’s Lan Fan’s bag, she won't like you took it."

It was Greed’s turn to jump. Damn girl was rubbing off on him. He hadn’t done anything wrong!

"She's fine with it, who cares, here's your drugs- have at it." He passed him some powder that was labeled in Mei’s fancy script that Ling grimaced at and dry swallowed. Greed handed him a canteen to chase it, which Ling gratefully accepted, taking a long draw off of it.

"Are you still muting your chi or am I losing it?" he asked while looking at Greed blearily. 

“Yeah, and you should be messing with yours too, we could get tracked." The statement was true but Greed knew he was also giving Lan Fan a solid cover up and left it be. She could owe him. 

"Get us safe trusty steed, and if Lan Fan shows up... when she does, I should say because I know she's gotta be close, I didn't mean to get caught in an explosion and almost die and I won't do it again... Damn this hits fast. Night, night,” Ling slumped forward and Greed caught him with an arm. He propped Ling against the rock he’d sat on. He didn’t miss that metabolism either.

"..."

“We really need to take the shield off. This is just superfluous and I never use that word as evidenced by me not pronouncing it right.” He put his hands on his hips and stopped actively taking control. Lan Fan would face this herself. She’d been almost meek since he’d gotten out of the cave. 

“I AM GOING TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK!” she gasped and clutched her chest. Ling didn’t stir. Blowing an old coal mine full of people who were the scum of the earth to hell had not shaken her in the slightest. Far from it, actually! But the recent exchange of a few moments made her act like a frightened rodent.

WHOA not while I'm here you're not! Just lemme take this down.  He let the shield go, finally. They hadn’t had it on for long but they had been very active.  Oh my - so, so, so, sooooo much better. 

He laid her on the ground to enjoy the cold dirt on the pinched and red skin and she didn’t stop him. She needed to breathe this out. They had done it. Ling had been acquired. Mostly alright.

Mini freak out over (for now) Lan Fan was able to decide on the next things she wanted to do. “We should put bandages on him before anything else- maybe move towards town after...”

“Right! Let's truss this puppy.” Greed picked her up again and looked at Ling’s torso in the light of the moon. He saw that it had begun healing but - “Oof, two weeks and it still looks this nasty, get the antibacterial stuff, gotta put that in first. Doubt they were using clean knives.” He dug the tools out of the bag but he felt Lan Fan waver. That last outburst must have been her final hurrah. “You wanna do it or should I?”

She hesitated on ‘yes, she wanted to’ but felt herself ready to pass out. 

“You really are crashing hard, those dregs of sleep were not enough. Your call, though. I’m just as good at patching Ling up as you though, uh... from opposite sides of the problem.” Greed was used to Ling trusting his decisions but he felt that Lan Fan would appreciate options. 

“We don't have to do it perfect. I'll get in there tomorrow hopefully and fix the rest of it up, or at least get started on it. Honestly this might take me more than a few days,” he looked again at the width and depth of the wound and amended his timeline. He dove into getting things with Ling as fixed as he could for now while on the bald side of a mountain in the dark.

“Though I guess that depends when I get back in there? You didn't say what your plan was on that. Do you even have a plan?”

 _Get us home, stupid,_ she mumbled.

“Incredible plan, you should reconsider your club membership. Roger wilco, stop off mountainside, regroup, get home. Don't worry I'm used to carrying the team and I always take things literal. Our friends won't have a hard time finding where we went 'cause that coal fire is a-cookin,” He looked behind him at the pillar of smoke that was breaching the sky. Amazing what a big bag full of bombs could accomplish.

“The beads should lead them to the end of the train, that town we went through. We can probably intercept them there. We can stay at that shady-ass inn for now?”

She was fading. Just like Ling— once either of them got what they wanted it was impossible to hold their interest. Typical. 

“Now this sleeping load is Li, and he's our bounty, ‘case you need it spelled out and anybody asks. They said alive, not in one piece.”

_Mmm ssshut up._

“Ok! I'm fine walking without a sleep deprived peanut gallery. You can konk out now since you're clearly heading that way regardless. Ling's not dead and we blew everyone up- it's all good, go to bed.” Greed said it like he was bothered but he quietly smirked and tucked a long bit of hair behind her ear.

“Where's that rope in the bag. I need to tie him up for acting purposes.”

_Leftfrontpock..et_

“Got it. Shitting hell, I feel like a cab driver. Good night!” Greed pat himself on the shoulder. He supposed he should feel touched that she was relying on him but this felt like a lot of fucking busy work.

“Hate freakin lyin’. If no one asks I don't gotta talk that's as clean a workaround as any, and he /was/ technically my bounty.” He drew the rope out of the bag and loosely tied it around Ling. It would make a good hand hold as he shuffled down the steep mountain in the dead of night. He didn’t need to drop him. (He got him, they got him! Teamwork! Alive enough to fuss and moan! Yes!!)

Greed appreciated how prepared he’d been this entire trip. “Ling’s getting a bag after this, love carrying shit! So handy. No wonder people carry purses.”

-

He’d been walking down the mountain for a while, which was easier than the way up even with double the weight. Lan Fan snored, which was a choice bit of information to take and file. He looked at her automail, which gleamed even after he’d put a lot of fluids that tended to stain most things on it in that mountain. Ling was wrapped in the cloak to protect against the chill. Greed came to a conclusion, he’d need a new cloak if he was gonna continue the bounty hunter thing. His money was also back at the inn. 

“Guess I gotta rob someone! Oh nooo, how will I survivvvveeee? How will I live with the /shame/?” he said cuttingly to the two that were sleeping.

“....it's less fun being a smartass when no one responds.”

That was right! He had beaten the shit out of that informant guy outside the inn! He’d take his coat! It was the perfect crime because he, Lan Fan actually, had already committed it. He’d go and double dip. The one who was responsible for his dead brain and the other on his back that was dead weight weren’t around to suggest anything better!

It only took him a few more minutes to get the rest of the way down. He’d dropped that little worm somewhere around the wagons— there he was. He hadn’t moved off, lucky lucky. He looked a little too still, actually, and his face looked absolutely /busted/. Greed managed to divest him of his coat with one arm on Ling. He’d even heard a few groaning breaths when he’d done it. Good for that guy, he’d maybe live and if he was extra fortunate- breathe out of that nose again. 

“Lan Fan you are just so thorough!”

_..nszzz..z_

“Back to sleep, back to sleep.”

He put the jacket on while still not putting Ling down, another feat, and left a few beads around the doorway just in case the cavalry got here in the night. He doubted it, Lan Fan had a full half a day start and was fueled by both him and pure desperation. 

Time for a little fun! He booted the door open.

“WHAT'S UP WHORES, LOOK WHO GOT HER BOUNTY!”

It being late on a weekday it was mainly him, the innkeeper, and a few people that were basically asleep. The innkeeper was the only one who had actually paid him much notice, and only with a flat expression more for the status of the door that had seen better days and a lot of kicking, rather than him specifically.

“MOUNTAIN PROBLEM IS MOUNTAIN SOLVED. DON'T ALL THANK ME AT ONCE!” he cheered.

“We heard the explosion.”

“YES YOU DAMN DID!”

“You just come in here to gloat and wave a body around?” the keep said tiredly. He put down his glass. 

“I desire a room as well!” she said sweetly. She stepped into the inn and gingerly threaded the man on her back through the doorway.

“...does the body need a bed?” the man who thought he didn’t deserve this asked. It wasn’t his business but that guy being carried looked messed up. He ducked under the bar and ran a hand under the lip to make sure he still had his emergency sword in case the crazy lady got any ideas. He fished out the box with the room keys.

“If you would be a sweetie pie and tell me where that asshole I let keep the money from before is and gimme one with two beds?”

She was wearing a lumpy coat that he knew came off someone else, had a half dead guy on her back, and he thought he saw a lot of red in her eyes for someone that looked born around this area. She had also probably exploded that mine up the way that was crawling with criminals. Yup, that was a lot of baggage! He’d stay out of that!

“Room four, drunk as a skunk off half of it, your room is room eight,” he tossed her the keys which she caught with a hand and a smile that was honestly frightening.

“Should have drank it all! Brilliant, I'll take that and a bottle of whatever your least shitty whisky is to go! Wait, lemme pay you first, I’ll be too drunk to remember later.” He watched her go scampering up the stairs with the body still on her back. 

-

The first thing Greed did was get Ling the hell off of him. Not to say he hadn’t missed contact but he was pretty gross. He got him on the bed and tucked him in. Cargo taken care of Greed went to room four.

“HEY BUDDY, THAT LOAN I GAVE YOU IS OVERDUE! Kick!” He foot punched another door and made his own sound effects. It was the little things. He missed Ling’s legs for the reach but these had a lot of power, he hadn’t meant to crack the doorframe. Big things small packages. 

The man that had yanked his chain cowered in his bed. Ah, there was his money right on the bedside table. Convenient that he didn’t have to ask for it!. 

Greed got up nice and close to give the random patron some advice, “DON'T LIE TO ME AGAIN.” He doubted that he’d ever see the guy again but he wasn’t one to waste a teaching moment. He backed out of the room and smoothly shut the door that now didn’t fit right in the frame.

It was officially whisky o’ clock. He knew at least one bastard that was gonna want some painkillers in the morning and one other bastard that probably didn’t want to think coherent thoughts tomorrow at all. He was interested in hearing her plan of attack when Ling got up.

Ling comfortable and money back where it belonged he scuttled back down the stairs.

“Hello again! Your finest inebriation, please!”

She was back. The innkeeper wouldn’t have minded if she hadn’t paid. He would have taken the loss if she had stayed upstairs. The poor man had heard the commotion and a choked scream come from room four. 

“Are you gonna leave anytime soon?”

“Nope! Alcohol content over taste, gimme something that can peel paint.” 

She was a slip of a thing but that face wasn’t to be questioned. She looked like she would bite him. He gave her a local delicacy on a hunch.

“Ohhhh unlabeled? Someones making bathtub hooch??? Ya'll got moonshine up here? There's no moonshine worth shit in the city, it just isn't the same,” she exclaimed. His hunch was right, he hadn’t owned this inn with attached bar and eatery this long without knowing his customer base. 

“That's illegal, you scamp! I won't tell if you don’t and I got a great in with the mob if you ever wanna sell! Gimme three bottles, I've got some extra space in my bag now and I want a souvenir from this shit.” She wagged a finger at him and then made a little grabby motion. She gave him an appropriate amount of money so it was no skin off his nose what she did.

Greed was beginning to really enjoy himself, considering. He’d climbed the stairs again back to his and Ling’s room (Lan Fan's too really but with their arrangement most living quarters treated them as a unit) with the precious bounty of homemade spirits. Ling was breathing easier under the blankets than when he’d left the room. Greed sat down at a table that had two chairs that was at the front of the room (the beds being along the back wall), there was even water in a basin. 

This was nice. They should get kidnapped more often. Ling and him never got out of the city, he loved a good vacation! 

Greed wondered if he should go to sleep too or if he was on watch by default. He regarded the souvenir bottles. Popping the cap on one he took a long pull.

Maybe he’d try and get kidnapped to a nice lake next time, that’d be nice. His last place was by a lake, lake towns were great.

Ling mumbled something in his sleep and turned over. Greed hit the bottle again.

Even better, it could be Ed’s turn for a go at getting spirited away. Let him stew for a while till him and Ling went and got him. Lan Fan could come too— if she wanted. Too bad Ed did shit all around the palace. The local vultures wouldn't even pick at him. It was like a life experience now. Ed was missing out on life experiences.

Lan Fan had stirred when his thoughts turned to her but calmed again. It was much better now that she wasn’t turned like a screw that was too tight. 

He wondered if Mei counted as kidnapped yet on a technicality. She hung out with villains. He felt like she also kidnapped Envy so she might just be too powerful...always the kidnapper never the kidnapee.

Once again Greed came to the conclusion that this wasn’t as fun when he was doing it by himself. Maybe he /was/ co-dependent? Damn Alphonse.

He discovered that the bottle was empty. At the rate he was going the rest probably wouldn’t make it home if he didn’t ease off.

He heard a quiet knock on his door and feet walking back down stairs. Someone wanted to talk to him but didn’t wanna do it where the other patrons were sleeping. Greed made sure Lan Fan wouldn't wake up and threw an eye at Ling once more before he left to follow the guy back down stairs.

He made it down the stairs barely and leaned against the poll that framed the landing. He wanted it to make him look cool but he was kinda trying to use it to keep from falling on his face. It was the keeper again.

“Hey lady had someone asking at the bar about you.”

“Oh ho? Can I get a describtion?” he asked, intrigued. 

He hoped it was the normal company he kept but it was still too early. Ugh, this was hard to do when he was sauced. He groped for Lan Fan’s pulse, checking the surroundings. No, nobody either of them knew.

Now shit was getting sticky. “What were they askin' for anyways?”

“Two guys, kinda tall, were looking for reports of a monster,” the guy said helpfully. 

“Amestrian or nah,” Greed clarified. Hopefully yeah?

“Nah.” Shit. 

“Huhh why ‘dya think they were asking ‘bout me then? Not a monster, well you know, right now- haha. Mostlsy.” He gave the keeper another smile and the keeper knew he was smart to side with the crazy lady.

“Thought you should know ‘cause they said the guy would be carrying another guy. Not too many people carrying other people that pass through here in a day. I feel like you might burn my establishment down if I said anything to any guys.” 

She was such a tiny thing but the way she looked at him with easy grace even while drunk off her ass said that he shouldn’t fuck with anything she had going. 

“....huh? no shits? Oh!! you're a peesh, you are! Hahahahahahahaha.” She stepped forward and patted his elbow. He stayed stock still. 

“But dont worry, m’no ta mosnter OR a guy so they’re looksin’ fer someone else! Totally wood, burn it down I mean. Anyways so nicce of yous to look out for a ladee and all. Gemltleman.”

He noticed she held an empty bottle of his. She was a quick one, whole bottle, no wonder she was deep fried. 

“You think the mob will like it?” he asked. It was his own recipe and he did take a little pride in it. 

She graced him with a kinder expression that didn’t want to make him run for the hills. “Cans say yesh on thad, if 'ya see someguy witha red circle in a few weeks talk to ‘em.. Tell em your greedy and yous lookin’ to get a piece. Theyll know what it means.” She handed him the bottle and winked.

She pushed herself off the poll and grabbed the banister, using it to drag herself up the stairs for hopefully the final time this evening. “Hahaha woww I’m fukded! Imma heads off! im take nap. Restdfve ya shitll here - if anyone comes in ‘m room I’ll kills ya on site.” 

He had no doubt that was the case. His other customers who had been watching the exchange gave each other a half an eye of regard in the camaraderie of also not going to go mess with all that shit. They all watched as she drunkenly saluted, tripped, tried to walk up the stairs on two legs, resorted to all four limbs, then after a few seconds heard her curse and slam the door to her room to try and get it open. The door opened and then slammed closed.

The keeper who had been pretty neutral the whole time turned to the crowd of locals with a big grin. 

“WE IN WITH THE GOOD MOB, BOYS!” he celebrated

They all cheered.

-

Greed heard cheering as he finally managed to get the key in the lock and close the door behind him. He had been about three seconds from breaking it down but a lock would buy him a second if anyone wanted to pay him a visit so he thought better.

Something occurred to him. Lan Fan was a lightweight. Whoops!

“Havesn ta work on that with her, groupstudy,” he slurred. It was what happened when you didn’t take time off.

He leaned over the crashed out emperor. Still was odd to see him from that angle. 

“Night Ling.” He crudely smeared his palm on his face, intending to pat it but kind of missing the action in the state he was in. They’d actually done it against some pretty big odds. (GOT HIM! HELL /YES!/) 

“Hahahha never gost ta do that outside before. Neat,” Greed stammered out, looking at his hand. He missed the there and gone again smile from Ling.

It was now time for him to lay down also and preferably not be sick. He’d taken Lan Fan's chest plate and boots off but was too tired to do more. He collapsed on the other bed and had the good sense to hang his face off the side. This wasn’t his first tea ceremony. If he was sick that way it wouldn’t go on him, or more accurately Lan Fan. He already had a bit of cloudy remorse for sticking her with this but he hadn’t meant to go that hard going in. He’d apologize- in the morning. 

"Night, Lan Fan."

He’d been stuck with creatures that couldn’t magically hold their liquor for a couple years now, he was used to the worst of it. First few months had been touch and go. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For Ling’s little story openers yes I am referencing the crazy-ass radio dramas that really exist and are sort of canon. Go read a translation or give them a listen, they’re a riot! If y'all are new to this series and jumping in here (I encouraged it so no shame in that!) Greed's armor and the tolls he pays are pretty easy to get. Healing isn't free, obviously. Mei demonstrated that it takes concentration and a lot of juice to even do the small stuff, though now that she's older and a lot more adept I'd say she's gotten a Lot better. Like I explained in another chapter the thing to heal takes about as much juice as how hard your body works to fix it on it's own. Shield use is basically a marriage between human transmutation (though Greed works with mainly the dead layers of skin) and straight alchemy. Given that it's his main power he's pretty good at the exchange and practice makes perfect. It's still pretty costly and lays him out if he does it too much or for too long. Given that it's a stiff covering by the way he holds his arms after he uses it probably to move it or grasp things he has to make small adjustments to it to move. Or at least it hurts.  
> Funnily, I picked up a lot of the side effects that he gets later (when he doesn't have healing that just erases them) from an old episode of mythbusters. When you cover your skin in non breathable material your body basically flips it's shit. You get really sick, disorientated, nauseous- even pass out. When Greed lets the thing go I'm sure the material and skin don't play together nice, hence the redness and the welts. (It'd be the worst near the joints and on thinner skin like the face. It's probably like an all over sun burn. Or sun poisoning really, given the other effects.) It's a good device as to why he doesn't use it willy-nilly besides the energy draw.  
> He can still heal because he's got the combo of a human's gate and their own energy (or right now, the energy him and Ling had managed to stockpile). This energy source is not inexhaustible and nothing is as powerful as uncut souls! I think this is the only thing that comes up that can't be picked up via some canon study or context clues but feel free to ask me if there's anything else. I do encourage reading those older fics because they're really fun! :)


	7. Breadcrumbs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An interlude with a few others that are not our titular main characters. What's been happening back in the capital? 
> 
> Know my normal update time is Sunday night (and it will remain so for the future) but I was a /bit/ late. Sorry about that!

Their month in Xing had been great. For the first few weeks that Darius and Heinkel had been there it was almost a constant delight. (Though way too hot and humid to be a true unbelievable dreamscape.) The day they had shown up it just so happened to be the Emperor’s birthday. The air of festivity for the full blown holiday it apparently was added another layer to the already overly full alien landscape. They hadn’t planned on attending the event and therefore they hadn’t brought anything. They didn’t even realize Ling Yao had a birthday, really. When they had known him he was a homunculus. What did you even bring for an emperor— one who used to be a homunculus?

Said emperor had been recovering from something and while the palace had been celebrating in the way that rich people often did, with a lot of pomp and not a lot of substance. Darius and Heinkel had been invited to the emperor’s private rooms, and were they some rooms. Befriending a then hostage prince clearly had big benefits. They’d let him get up and hobble off to get dressed and met whom they had assumed was a palace guard ushering a ton of other well wishers out. That was, until they saw the arm. 

They hadn't realized it was her, the demon who’d split Gluttony in half in the woods that night. She had met them at the door and introduced herself professionally as Lan Fan. She had shown them the halls of the palace while they crowded next to each other, cowed by the size and wealth, and methodically pointed out directions to places they were and were not allowed to go while here. Darius had been sure his eyes were playing tricks, but Heinkel (who had the better night vision) had seen. They had only seen her with her mask but there was no mistaking that arm. Since that night it seemed like she had only gotten more self assured. If not larger in stature then surely in spirit.

Thank god Edward was here. He had been prickly to deal with when they were on the run, but the few years since then had evidently treated him right. They were just glad to know /someone/ in this country. It was a bit of a culture shock. They didn’t even know the emperor- not really. Yes, Ling Yao had been present all that time but it had been their old boss and then claimant of that body, Greed, who they dealt with daily. To call their relationship with the sunnier one ‘one sided’ was an understatement. Darius had called it awkward when they went up the palace steps to first go inside. They felt like they had been invited because Yao missed the old times, though for him the 'old times' were mostly him trapped in his own body. When he wasn’t arguing with it. Heinkel thought it kind of sad. His boss had tried to ‘hide’ it (what a joke) but the prince left his impression on him and most likely vice versa.

They had been waiting a while but they figured these royal types had a lot to do. They had already greeted and exchanged catching-up pleasantries with the Elric boy. Ed even mentioned that his brother was here ‘in the flesh’, they were eager to re-meet him. 

“So how’s- uh, his liege? been,“ asked Darius when they had run out of other things to say. He wasn’t even sure how polite he should be. He hadn’t cared that Ling was a prince way back when but it had also not really been him and-

“Annoying as hell, what else is new?” Ed said back, less caustically than when they’d last heard him talking about Ling. 

“The fact that he’s a ruling world power and not refusing to set up a tent in that ‘it’s hard’ is news,” said Heinkel. The most they had seen of the boy was when his boss didn’t want to do something that it was his turn to do.

Ed gave them both a pointed look they couldn’t decipher, “He hasn’t changed a bit, so take from that what you will.”

Lan Fan had left them to stand at a door in attention while they waited for Ling Yao to come back. Heinkel ribbed Darius who had also put two and two together and whispered, “Is she the one?” at her back.

“Has to be, right? Stone cold.” It wasn’t really a question. No wonder the emperor had her as a right hand, she was basically a celebrity as far as they were concerned. Homunculi were pretty impossible to kill.

Barring a few examples. 

“Yeah, ain’t she awesome?” asked a voice from behind them. The girl they had been talking about scoffed. They turned— Ling? But no, both their animal instincts told them that wasn’t quite right.

“Uh... boss?” Darius ventured. 

“Hey boys, how’s tricks?” their boss asked. They’d know that stolen face anywhere. “Got a country. Like it?” Edward had sat in the background and was puppeting his hand that had been metal last time in a ‘blah blah blah, big fucking deal’ motion.

“It’s very…. Nice. And uh- Hello.” Heinkel didn’t think Homunculi could come back from the dead. That was ghost behavior. 

He had a thought. Might as well ask, “Ling?”

“Present!” said the other one with an altogether delighted look. Yup, that was them.

Heinkel hit Darius on the arm, “Told you some shit like this would happen- you owe me sixty cenz.” The money was paltry but it was the fact he’d /won/. Darius grumbled and felt around in a pocket muttering about never betting with him again. He slapped the money into Heinkel’s palm and he pocketed it with a smug look. “Swore you still felt weird when you left the country and Greed was supposedly 'dead'," he told the young man.

“I was in denial. Would have liked you to say something! Would have maybe helped my last year-” started the one that was supposed to be emperor but he got cut off, “eh, probably wouldn't have believed him, Ling,” and then answered himself, ”You’re right but still.” He crossed his arms.

Both chimera were used to this. It had happened a lot near the middle to end of their trip. However, both parties looked a lot more relaxed. 

“In fairness, you tore outta Amestris in record time and then didn't invite us to your fancy palace ‘till now so there weren't a lot of chances to speak up,” shrugged Darius. It wasn’t like they were gonna send a letter with a suspicion like that.

“Wasn’t even sure in any case! You still a soul stone?” Heinkel was curious, while the boy still felt ‘funny’ he didn’t feel ‘wrong’ like before. 

“Nope, just the two!" Greed grinned and held up the appropriate number of fingers.

“Ah. How’s life treating you?

“Good, good, difficult dealing with anemia central sometimes, don’t have to tell you that. Gave up the immortality bit, too. Still a little ‘extra’ if you get what I’m saying- but I don’t hate the authority this position lends!” He brandished an index finger newly tipped with a grey point to jam home the 'extra' status. The girl with the arm tossed her head. It seemed like she wasn’t very happy with their boss’ 'position'. Darius wondered about the other one. Was this thing mutual? It wasn’t…? Really… the last time.

“Uh, Ling, you good?”

“Mmhmm, never better, thanks for asking!” he folded his fingers in alternating rows and thrust his palms down near his hips.

“This doesn’t seem to be public knowledge? Assume you're both sharing?” One of them asked.

“It is not! And yes, that seems to be the arrangement.”

“You die for real?” Heinkel was still kind of set on the ghost thing. 

“Not exactly,” one of them answered. 

“Alright, I asked all I can ask, they seem good!”

“No problems here, Darius.”

If it was one thing about the chimera they were always the type to go with the flow and that had only gotten more pronounced the whole time they’d known Greed (and Ling). 

-

Later, after they partied like it was 1899, Darius let slip that they enjoyed the offer of a vacation and hoped it was the kind that was ‘all expenses paid.’ Greed had laughed into his cup and slapped them both on the back but it was Ling who said they helped save the world and were entitled to some financial compensation. 

They hadn’t been banking on a cash payout, but the circus didn’t pay all the bills and chimeras hadta' eat. Darius was a little insulted. They saved the world because it was the right thing to do. Heinkel agreed. 

“So you /don’t/ want money?” Yao had asked, sly. 

Where had he gotten that idea, who was saying that? Darius pointed accusingly at Heinkel and he shook his head, hard. Being heros was one thing but the storybooks had happy endings and not electric bills and hotel costs.

“THAT’S SUBORDINATES OF MINE, BABY,” their boss had guffawed. 

\----------

Their first weeks indeed went like a dream. They didn't get to see their boss too much (he was best in small doses) but what they did do was sightsee and spend a ton of the stipend he'd set up. 

Then, after the two week mark, they'd stopped seeing him at all.

The girl, Lan Fan... It took them a few days to realize it, but it was like they had an introverted Edward II on their hands. They saw her normally; dedicated, intense, organized. It fit her position. On the other side of things, in quickly hidden flashes- there was violence, untold rage, and someone who could be just a bit slow on the uptake. 

It was something about her responses, Darius noticed it first. He thought her polite but— When Edward said something off-color and she had pulled the boy out of the room to his shrieking protest, it felt familiar.

With Ling Yao gone she was falling quickly apart these last two weeks of their vacation-visit. It didn't seem to them like he or their boss had left of their own power.

"Lan Fan... she's not doing alright," Heinkel whispered. They'd passed her having some kind of crisis in an open garden coming back from a market they'd spent the day exploring. They had passed her doing the same thing in the same space when they had left for the day.

"I'd like to go say something Heinkel but I don't want my face ripped off," Darius replied slowly. They'd keep to themselves on this. There wasn't much they could do.

\----------

Edward stood outside their room a few days later. Him and Alphonse had been great to go out with and that was the honest opinion from the chimeras. They could tell that he wasn't here to invite them anywhere good today, though. It was too damn early and he had that odd set to his eyes.

"We found Greed," he said as soon as they let him in and shut the door.

"Oh, so the Emperor's back?" Heinkel asked, that was good news then! Why was Ed so bent out of shape?

"No."

Ah. Weird shit was afoot.

"We need you both to come on a thing." It wasn't an ask but that particular Elric was never an asker. He'd lead them around and they mystifyingly would follow.

"Is Greed coming on the thing?" Darius asked. Was this gonna be just like old times? He had a headache, it was early, they were gonna go to shrines today.

"No, he went ahead." Something about the boy’s body language was telling a full novella of a story that they really didn't wanna delve into. Who would be the one to take the bullet?

"And uh, who is-" Heinkel started to ask, boss was a glorified figment, right? He needed feet if he wanted boots on the ground.

"Lan Fan."

Ah.

They didn't say anything else but Ed knew them well enough to grok their thoughts on that, "Stupid, right? Like a really stupid thing to do? Yeah, guess she is- a little bit."

They both thought the emperor had some normal people that hung around but with that revelation they guessed not. They had held out some hope for Lan Fan but they had just not interacted with her enough. Someone else had always been around, and she seemed obsessed with how she came off to others. This choice let them know what she really was without a doubt.

“Ah,” said Darius. 

“We see,” finished Heinkel.

Their expressions were neutral but Ed knew 'quiet acceptance' when he saw it.

"Wasn't gonna stop her," Ed explained.

"Wasn't asking if you would, or even could."

"Could not."

Ed wanted them to come on a thing and, well, there were those old loyalties. Plus, the 'thing' was going to go pick up boss. He was the type to stick with a group, it must be pretty bad for the prince-emperor if Greed went it alone (favoring the speed and covert option?), or, alone as he could be.

They were going to wait until the mid afternoon to start to go. Lan Fan,-no, it had been Greed hadn't it?- had told them ‘give it half a day’. Conceivably she let him do so, it was probably mostly her decision. 

-

Ed had gotten the chimeras on board and they were waiting around for Mei to finish with what she needed to bring. Ed commented something about 'girls' and 'can't just bring the essentials' which earned him a smack upside the head from Darius. 

Ling had always been kind of vague on how he actually got their boss in the first place. Like, the process. Edward said it was easy for him, they just put the stone in and then he had the challenge of trying not to die. Same thing here. (Though a bit less dangerous).

"If we had thought of the idea first rather than Lan Fan beating us to it you would have probably been in the lots to be Greed's ride this time around," Ed grinned. 

"Oh, absolutely not," Darius held up a hand in refusal of the very notion.

"He's a ghost, basically, you don't mess with ghosts," Heinkel added, moustache twitching.

"He is Not a ghost, he's like... a mineral I guess…" Ed trailed off, homunculi were another species that much was true but Greed did have a physical form so he wasn't a fucking ghost.

Heinkel was still nervous, "I don't mess with that, no way."

"You guys can turn into ANIMALS!" Ed grated exasperatedly. 

"Yes? And you did circleless alchemy but that's ghosts and I don't like it."

Darius gestured equitably, "I'd carry the boss when he passed out 'cause he forgot to eat but I draw the line there. The girl can have him, she looks like she'd break no argument. Firm hand, that's what the boss needs." He nodded, sure.

"He ordered you guys around?" Ed blinked at them.

"We Let Him."

Edward supposed that was legitimate. Greed was in charge of him too during that time but that didn't mean he had listened. Ever.

"Ling's a nice kid, shame about him going missing," Heinkel added. The boss was the boss but it was pretty impossible to not find the other one somewhat endearing. He'd gotten to know him a lot better and Ling Yao was a complicated mish-mash of personality traits. ‘Nice kid’ was the one he'd pick to be kind.

Ed bent over, tying his shoes and securing them for a shit ton of ground he knew he was gonna cover. "Here's hoping Langree fixes that problem so the country doesn't collapse into civil war again."

The two chimera took into account how they perceived Lan Fan to be, coupled with how Greed was about things that he perceived as his. There wouldn't be much to slow them down outside of like, an army. Whoa, that was right. Ling was an emperor. Pretty important to go get him for that, too!

"Oh yeah, you forget he runs the place," Darius said with a surprised blink. "Isn't that a pickle- wait a moment, Langree? Ed, tell me you didn't."

He clapped his hands and smiled widely at them both. "Did! its tradition!"

Heinkel pinched his brow in disappointment, "Girl doesn't deserve that, Elric…"

Darius had put his coat on and made sure the pockets had a few odds and ends from his suitcase. "Ed she's a nice girl and she made a mistake, you don't have to grind it in."

"We're friends so I'm legally obligated to, actually. I like you referring to Greed as a mistake ‘cause he is but also Lan Fan deserves it. See this shiner?" he pointed to his eye that was healing but still pretty green and purple. "She done it to me. I can give you a tour of all the ceilings she's kicked me through, too. I've seen more of the internal palace architecture than anyone else in over a century."

Heinkel sighed. "Ed, I wanted to give you a shiner like forty five times when we camped so as far as I am concerned she's capable and courteous. And infected presently with our old boss. Were you the one to make that happen, Ed?" he asked, suspicious.

Ed reacted suspiciously, "Left the jar with her," he mumbled.

"Boss was in a jar?"

"See, you can put ghosts in a jar, saw it in a magazine."

\----------

Mei had yanked a bag (pink of course) into the room, pushing Alphonse who had followed her away, she could carry it! She'd caught a bit of their conversation when she was trying to hold the bag and get the door open at the same time.

"What do you mean ‘if we thought of it first’? I thought we were gonna give one of you to him the whole time?" she asked in reference to her brother and the fact he needed to borrow. "This wasn't assumed?"

"'One of /you/?'" Ed asked back.

"Oh heck no, not me. One of you guys."

Ed wanted to know, angrily, why she was out of the running. Didn't seem impartial.

"He would have killed you all and then later Ling would," she stated plainly.

"We're not sure if Ling is like…" Edward's voice uncharacteristically dwindled. They had Lan Fan saying that Greed was able to feel something but—

"No, he's okay for now." She was certainly full of confidence.

"How do you know?" Alphonse asked her.

"Cause Greed's okay." Neither Ed nor Al had any idea what that meant. The two chimeras had been lost for a while. 

Ed came to a conclusion, "so, you let me leave the jar with Lan Fan on purpose?"

Mei explained that she wasn't sure Lan Fan'd do it but it would be easier than arguing over hot potato in the morning and pulled out sticks she made in the same size except for a shorter one. She had 'short straw goes' on back up.

"I already sort of suspected she'd found something since she had been holed up for a few days and wasn't answering questions straight. I figured she had some idea what she was getting into if she'd had that long to think it over. If it didn't kill my brother she would be totally fine. I had eighty/twenty odds on it." She sounded like Greed much too much for Ed to be happy with her reasoning. He was a terrible influence on this whole country.

She caught Ed's moody look and elaborated more, "This was the person who recovered from surgery in no time flat, remember? AND didn't go septic? You know how it feels to have this surgery and have to recover from it, Edward. She was ready to fight ME to the death with a missing arm while in a hospital bed- If she decides she can handle it she can handle it." 

Al didn't get people thinking Lan Fan was nuts. Lan Fan was a great person to hang out with. They would both sit in a room quietly and read without talking for hours. It was very comfortable! 

"Plus my dear moron of my other brother is careful with people he likes. So you would be in danger," Mei said smugly to Ed, then stood closer to Alphonse so he wouldn't get an idea to take out the hard feelings on her.

"I didn't mention it last night because I didn't want her to feel obligated. My brothers told me once it had to be a personal decision or it wouldn't work. You had to accept the stone." Of course Ling had, and of course Lan Fan would.

"'No tricks, no bull,' by Greed's words," she quoted him with a passable impression of his tonality.

Ed was both insulted she implied the jerk didn't like him enough to kill him and delighted by the fact that if it came down to it he could have the opportunity to fight him. It had been a few years since he fought god, he could do with a challenge. He'd done good with Pride. He mentioned it to Alphonse who told him Pride was already half dead when he fought him and that it didn't count.

"It should?"

"No. Didn't you say Kimblee was there too? Seems like Pride was awful bad at actually killing people." Alphonse was always down for knocking his beloved brother down a peg. Heinkel's ears perked at 'Kimblee'. "What do you mean? I got that guy in the throat?" 

Ed had not known that! He started laughing and saying Heinkel was his favorite chimera for a reason while Darius looked like he was about to grab him by his ponytail.

For saying he hated him a lot Ed was set on proving they wouldn't have torn each other apart like Wrath did. "Greed and me get along fine!"

"Brother you were strangling him, like, two and a half weeks ago."

Edward assured his brother that that was how he showed endearment!

"Lan Fan had to pull you off!" Mei commented. 

"If he was Too Weak to get me off himself I was doing him a favor by pointing that out!"

"She found it semi-difficult to pull you off, which was the amazing part," Mei analyzed, not bothering to reply to what Ed was actually saying.

"Palaces make you soft, this is why I worry for you Alphonse, gotta keep in ship shape."

Al rolled his eyes, "Is that why you let Lan Fan use you as a punching bag?"

"Yes! She turns a blind eye to me attacking people who run their mouths. If my skull gets soft while I'm in Xing Winry might actually accidentally kill me with a wrench when I get home. I can't do that to her," he shook his incredibly hard head.

Alphonse was still curious, he turned to Mei, "Speaking of Lan Fan so.. you are saying, if I have this right, she /wanted/ ... uh, that." She hadn't looked very enthusiastic when she left the palace.

"Yep, had to be pretty bad or it wouldn't work, Greed says selfish wants worked best too, so," Her mouth pulled to the side and she closed her eyes, 'hmphing'.

"See, I knew she was a similar kind of crazy to Ling I just didn't have enough proof until now," Ed snickered.

Alphonse, who had been keeping tabs on the mental state of his friends since he arrived at the palace, was notably Not surprised. 

They all supposed Greed and her had been getting along better, they had been in the same room lately, voluntarily even. Even before the jar time!

Ed had seen them playing Go the other day and the board wasn't even thrown across the room!

Al had remembered Greed asking her to try something and she had eaten it, he had even Made the thing.

Darius and Heinkel were still lost. These people were awful.

"Alphonse, is Greed a ghost?" Heinkel asked. Darius was already leaving to go get his boots.

"WELL!" Al said with a scholarly air, "I say he is a soul, so MAYBE!"

"You hear that, Darius?! Maybe!" Heinkel called after him. Darius found it hard to slam a sliding door but made a good show of it.

\---------

They left the palace soon after, sneaking out one by one and agreeing to meet at a local stall they all knew the whereabouts of at Mei’s suggestion. Nobody needed a group to be leaving with bags and no say of where they were going. Mei also pointed out Lan Fan had shot off to the middle of the capital and if she was going to the mountains the north roads would probably be their best bet. The unlikely auxiliary team had gotten transportation the second they had cleared the palace and lost themselves in the crowds. 

Alphonse they had left back in Ling’s rooms. It wasn’t only that they needed him to keep being Ling for a little while longer, but just in case Lan Fan made it back by herself they wanted a familiar face there. 

Mei realized something pretty quickly, while Lan Fan said the mountains there were a lot of mountains in a very long line to the North. How were they going to track her? She couldn’t even feel her now! That was an issue!

\---

They’d been looking for some kind of sign where Lan Fan had gone or how she’d gotten out of the city. It had been… quite a while. The sun was setting. 

They were still near the middle of the city, knowing she'd at least gone there. Lan Fan had said Ling was far away, far to her was REALLY far to them. She had to have hitched a ride, at least some of the way. Xiao Mei had been trying to get their attention but they were pretty tired already. She’d been playing with some stuff she found on the ground and pulling at their pant legs. 

Mei took another blue glass bead from her mouth and held it up, “Thanks Xiao Mei, that's pretty!” 

“HOW ARE WE GONNA FIND THAT HOT MESS?” Ed grumbled angrily. Darius and Heinkel were fanning themselves, they had full coats on (best to be prepared) and the humidity was killer.

Mei held the beads (and Xiao Mei had brought a few) up to the light and looked at the building they were in front of, ‘hmming’ to herself. This was the train station. On a hunch she went to the tracks. Around the area there were five different lines extending out in different directions. On the third track she checked she found a few more. She brought them to Ed excitedly.

“IS THAT LIKE, A SIGN?” he asked. He was pissed it took them so long to figure it out but glad that they had something. The chimeras were impressed.

“I suppose unless someone’s missing a necklace all over here,” she put her small hand on her chin. Alphonse had brought some things too, he must have packed these realizing Lan Fan needed to leave some note of where she was. Something quick. Al had gotten that she’d be masking herself faster than they had. Ed slapped a hand to his face.

"Why didn't he give them something more obvious to drop?" Darius asked. He wasn’t one to get angry but he was pretty frustrated. They were waiting for the train, luckily it would be by in a few more minutes. It was the last one out for the day so they had further lucked out. 

"Everything else was made of gold, it would've been stolen in seconds! Also he had ten minutes to pack a go-bag,” Ed defended his brother like nothing else, but Al could have /said/ something!

With the train they were waiting for she went north, north east. Mei stated that she’d gone out of her range in minutes. 

“She can MOVE,” Ed concurred, “I think she wants Greed outta her so bad she's overclocking. You could smell the fuel gage boiling when they talked.”

Darius and Heinkel frowned while the train pulled up, they better not have to carry both of their fried bodies home when they found them.

They boarded the gold and black train, paying for tickets and sitting all the way to the back. They knew they were going to ride it for a while. Mei told them to take shifts sleeping and every stop they were to check if Lan Fan had left anything. If they saw anything strange they were to wake her up as needed. Ed took the first shift to sleep (he could always sleep basically everywhere), and the chimera kept the girl company as she excitedly watched the scenery whip by. 

They liked Mei. She was much better royalty. A huge improvement, really. She’d gotten up to explore the train while she could and they couldn’t resist talking about her. They’d already accepted her as Leader of this little shindig and Ed didn’t get a vote. She was smart!

“Jerso and Zampano told us she was great so expectations were already high,” Heinkel mentioned.

They had been in contact with the other chimera. Birds of a feather, or various other pelt or scale. Those two had Al and Mei while they were stuck babysitting Edward and ‘boy of many problems and two voices’. They both thought they’d gotten a really rough hand. 

They had been apprehensive with the showing of another Xingese royal, and a teen at that, but she’d proven herself able to not almost walk herself off a cliff so far. (Boss didn’t look where he was going a lot.)

“Thank god we have Mei this time otherwise having two Eds would end this trip right here,” Darius said. He put his foot up on the other seat and jimmied it. Lan Fan was the second Ed.

Ed snored on the seat next to Heinkel. “It’s just like our months in the forest only Mei is a substantially better replacement.” Any sister that had been claimed by /both/ of the emperor was bound to be a handful but they felt like she was sweet. 

Animal instincts worked in a lot of ways, theirs often told them to run, or fight, but with her- it was like seeing a baby animal. 

\----------

Alphonse was kind of losing it. They couldn’t have left him with even Xiao Mei for company? All four had to go? He knew he sidestepped a pretty big problem by being unsuitable for Greed by default but this situation he was in now was only marginally better. It was still very bad for him!

He’d packed the beads by breaking a few looping necklaces apart quickly as a last minute addition to the bag before they’d tossed it out to them. He didn’t think Greed would be too mad, they were glass, he could get a billion more. Had he… had he mentioned it to Ed? 

His brother would get it. Yes. 

He was pretty sure he would.

He should think of escape routes. 

He should have written a note.

Hmm, how did he get out of here if he needed to go?

It turned out the bowels of the palace weren’t as easy to get into or out of as Ling made it seem. Unseen and unheard? Al had alchemy but he wanted to maybe keep things quiet. Could he make a body double of Ling and light it on fire? Roy had mentioned pulling that off.

Could he also just try walking out the front door like he was given a message to deliver and then just making a break for it, he wondered.

He sat back down and pulled out another ream of paper. He’d grit his teeth and wait. And /not/ dye his hair and borrow a pair of Greed’s awful glasses to take his chances on the street.

\----------

The emperor being locked in his rooms for weeks wasn’t the thing that was making the most staff talk. It was the fact that his personal guard had been acting… strained, which they initially chalked up to him being sick again. She made protecting him like, real personal. They had yet to find a person that could guard against germs but they knew that she would be the one to pull it off if they found out how to do that. She'd been haunting the palace for weeks like a wraith- and then she was gone. That did not happen. They had left the weirder things they’d seen be based on her intimidation alone but without that intimidation all they could /do/ was talk. 

The kitchen and laundry staff were terrible gossips, that was known. Gossiping was below the favored guards of the emperor. It was absolutely not what they were engaging in today. They were simply trading information! They were loyal to their ruler in all things, a large majority were hired after the new one’s instatement. The rest learned to actually /believe/ in their swearing of fealty this time around. It helped that the pay was better. They were good at their jobs, capable. It was just since that girl had risen to the top of their ranks and along with the new ruler- they just- they really didn’t have much to do? Forgive them, but what were they supposed to do about things like a robbery with no clues and no witnesses, the objects taken never showing back up. These more frequent robberies also almost always involved a victim that wasn't very ‘celebrated in the community’ if the local mothers and street corners were to be trusted.

They had been mainly helping out the local fire brigade and doing desk jockeying when they weren’t doing simple things like keeping the peace or organizing the random assortment of guests the emperor let in on various tiers of visitation and familiarity. 

A knot of said guards congregated in their barracks, tipped off by a laundress that one of them knew that the palace was going sour with… something. Some were still on duty but everyone had gone beyond caring. There was even a higher ranked commander there. He looked the most nervous, actually.

“We don't see our Emperor for a few days? Okay sure. But uh, have you seen Lan Fan? Anywhere, anyone, catch a glimpse? ”

“Nope.” “No.” “No sir.” They all shook their heads quickly.

“She’s looked uh, haggard?”

“Yup.” “Yessir.” “Wasn't gonna bring it up but she’s seen better days, normally not a hair out of place on her,” various people of rank answered back, and more besides.

Another guard volunteered the training room even had a few dummies that weren’t in splinters.

“Sir I went a whole shift on a nap and normally I wouldn't admit to that but- that doesn't happen. Usually she puts out such an aura that you Can’t sleep when she’s in the same building. Which means she’s /not/,” one mumbled from where he squatted on the floor, half held up by his polearm. 

“Kitchens say they're making a percentage less food...like a notable percentage less despite providing for dozens and dozens of people,” one with her hair up under her helmet said. It looked like she was keeping it on for safety and not because she’d forgotten to take it off.

“Bad sign. Like birds flying away before a storm hits.”

“Certain things we have been informed are not our problem but I seem to think this might be our problem?”

“Has anything gotten broken these last few weeks?” their commander asked sharply.

“There was that explosion the little pink one says she made?” someone on the wall submitted.

“Never known her to do anything so dramatic,”

“Kids,” wall guy shrugged.

  
  


“Do we talk to the emperor about it?” One asked about Lan Fan being missing. 

“Laryngitis apparently, or you know a hangover. Whatever, I’m not judging cause he can you know, jail me,“ one said with a wave of his arm from his reclined position on a bed, “WHAT, YOU ALL KNOW, DON'T LOOK AT ME!” 

“Yeah but we /know/ better than to TALK ABOUT IT!” another woman hissed and kicked his bed.

He nearly fell off the bed in his haste to sit up. “I’M SORRY. WITHOUT THE SCARY WOMAN NEARBY IT'S SO EASY TO TALK?”

Yet another man pointed wildly at him in reciprocation, “SHE LOOKS AT YOU AND YOU HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING WRONG AND YOU STILL WANT TO CONFESS!”

“THEY DON'T NEED A GOOD COP OR BAD COP, JUST HER,” said a third to the conversation.

“You know she ripped her own arm off?” asked wall guy quietly, he was still leaning but stiffly. 

“THAT WAS NEVER CONFIRMED.”

He stood off the wall and took a step toward the naysayer, ”YOU LOOK AT HER AND TELL ME SHE DIDN'T.”

“I heard she did it on purpose just to have a knife always on hand.”

“Wasn’t she like fourteen at the time??” 

“YOU THINK AGE MATTERS WITH HER??”

“She did,” asserted a small woman adamantly. 

“Oh fuck off Hua.”

“She totally did. I asked her about it in mess hall.”

“You don't have the /stones/.”

“Did! She told me straight out, I almost vomited in my soup in fear.”

“How do you even ask?” asked the commander. Hua peered at him but he was hanging on her honestly.

“I got cocky, then I got near her and wanted to piss out and then I just blurted it out!”

“You’re lucky to be alive, Hua!”

“What did she say!!! When you asked her!?” asked the guy from the bed, he looked pale.

“SHE SAID ‘Yes.’”

“JUST YES?” Multiple people asked at the exact same time.

“YOU THINK I ASKED HER TO ELABORATE? I NEARLY SWALLOWED MY OWN TONGUE AFTER ASKING THE FIRST TIME!” she nearly shrieked.

“Hua is braver than us all.” They all knew, no one in the guard barracks gave a shit about battle scars. You want to prove your worth, you speak to Lan Fan and live to tell the tale.

“I only threw up in my mouth a little!” she beamed.

A quieter guard, they knew him to be Gao, raised a hand and brought himself slowly to the middle of the room. “I play cards with the emperor on Thursdays and I haven't seen him since last Thursday.”

“WHAT,” asked everyone that wasn’t Gao.

“He never misses Thursday.”

“NO THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M ASKING. I AM /ASKING/ ARE YOU INSANE OR JUST UTTERLY STUPID, GAO?” challenged his commanding officer. The lower ranked card player didn’t flinch.

“If. the /emperor/. asks you. to play cards. what do YOU do?” he said with gravity, deliberately. 

“HOW DID YOU EVEN COME TO BE IN A POSITION WHERE YOU COULD APPROACH HIM?”

“HE CAME TO /ME/.” He started to yell but thought better of it and cleared his throat, “He came by the barracks one day asking to play cards! I didn’t even know it was him at first. He hops down off a wall and I think, ‘who’s this delivery boy?’ and he says, ‘heard you're on a hot streak!’. And you know I might have been tipsy, I was off for the night. And we play, and then I punched him in the face because he routed me.” Everyone was looking at him. His face was still impassive. 

“You know I go to bed because I think- I punched a delivery boy, whatever, but then next day I’m standing by the West gate and I think I'm hallucinating because I look up at the guy coming toward me and it’s the FUCKING emperor handing me a deck of cards that's MINE and saying ‘let's do that again next week!’”

He scratched his head. Nobody was making a noise.

“So. He winked at me. And when you're fully ready to die, nothing can scare you anymore.”

Pandemonium broke out. Everyone was talking at once, looking at him, looking at the commander for some direction. Telling Gao he was a lying ass-

“Cards on Thursdays,” he continued. The rest of the barracks shut right back up again.

“I don’t punch him, he doesn’t have me drawn and quartered. It's been a good three months. After you punch the emperor in the face you don't say, ‘oh I don't wanna play, in fact I quit’. Even taught me some Amestrian games he picked up, though he cheats /spectacularly/.

And I mean, to be fair, all he said when I did it was ‘good right hook, see, that's how you throw a right’ to himself.”

They decided to ignore Gao. 

“He didn't say not to tell anyone but you all think I’m bullshitting. Waited for him for three hours last Thursday.”

Hua came over and pushed him out of the middle of the room, “Maybe he’s on a work trip and that’s why they are gone?” 

“Those are so publicly announced we’d know a month ahead of time.”

“So then he is sick?” 

“Haven’t seen any doctor come in or out of that wing either.”

“The pink ones a doctor, isn’t she?”

“Is she??”

“Would make sense- he took his guard if he went somewhere right? But he's still doing stuff,” one thought about that with a fist on his chin. 

“Pink one a sister of his?”

“Yeah.”

They settled into a natural silence.

“So, uh, is the emperor here or do we have a stand in. Cause- if Gao hasn't seen him since last Thursday we have all been guarding nothing for weeks.” The guy on the wall had found his place back on it but now he slid down it with that realization.

“Oh.” “Hey so that's kinda bad on us isn't it?” “Yeah.” “Yeah it is, isn't it?” “I’m- I’m gonna go back to my post.” “Yeah you know what? Yeah.” Many people who were on shift left all at once.

  
  


Gao turned to leave, but his commander held his shoulder. “Will you tell us if you don't see him uh... Thursday?”

“Oh so what, do you believe me now?”

“Not really but you know you cheat at cards too so-”

“Oh shut up, like I’d lie about this- he owes me money!” He really didn’t care he was telling his superior officer to shut up. 

“The emperor owes you money?” he asked with the tone that he thought next he’d be telling him the dead walked the earth.

He drew his commander’s grip off his shoulder, “Like I said, if I'm lying what's it to you?”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not questioning things would probably be the best course of action in a lot of these cases but people are curious by nature!


	8. Aches and Pains

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well you know how it is with deadlines! In my defense it's not all my fault, storms took my power out many times this weekend.
> 
> We're back to our main set and now it is time after a regroup to restock.

Greed was trying to get a little breakfast and maybe also a little hair of the dog from the innkeeper so he could start his day without feeling like he ran a full Central Marathon. Now that he sort of knew where he was and saw where they ditched the train on the map it turned out he had! And another half of one! In three hours!！

Fucking /hell/ was Lan Fan nuts. 

He was currently negotiating prices of bulk meals and leaning on the fact that if they bought the whole pot he should get a discount. Ling would need as much breakfast as he could secure, he was sure. Greed was also feeling peckish. Lan Fan was not a patch on his usual source of appetite but hers was healthy. 

Was this place a bed and breakfast? They sure were now! He'd mail them a business certification along with his anonymous thanks when he sent 'relief' for that 'mysterious' mountain explosion. He had a lot of plans for this town now that he was aware it existed.

Then she woke up. 

_Where? Who is-? Why can't I- what? Where am I, where is—_

Her body quivered as Lan Fan lost her composure. Greed left the desk with an excuse he needed to go check something and scooted hastily outside. Nobody was around but he went to the back of the building, if only to admire their handiwork from last night. He could smell the smoke from here. 

While Greed hid, he tamped down on her like he hadn't the entire time he'd been with her.

Hey, HEY settle. SETTLE. It's okay!- Hey! 

Holding her face he shut her eyes and breathed deeply as she struggled. She’d fallen asleep with him at the helm once before but a light nap she chose and the pitch black sleep of the dead that was pretty close to involuntary were two different beasts. 

Relax! Remember what happened?

Eyes still shut he held his hands up like he was trying to gentle a spooked horse. She writhed, but he'd been up against concentrated mental attacks from Ling for periods of months. Lan Fan was stronger than them both in so many categories, but not this one.

Thank the moon, the sun, and investment futures, for telepathy bullshit.  I'm here right now and all I'm doing is stopping you from screaming cause we're in public. It's Greed, remember? Remember? You did a dumb thing and then we got Ling back? He's upstairs.

_GREED?_

She got -more- upset and ran mental hands along his energy, but stopped figuratively flopping around like a dying animal. She was basically spiritually mussing up his hair and clothes but he let her while she calmed down. He relaxed his hold by degrees until her chi stuff stabilized. He wasn't too good at feeling other people's on his own but when he was with someone it was pretty hard to ignore theirs.

He passed her a few bits from last night tied up neatly in a bow to help her recall she'd made the choice to be here. She flinched because it was still unfamiliar but took them after a second. Progress. Leaning against the inn while she orientated herself, Greed watched the pillar of black smoke paint the skyline like an ink brush. That was some goooood work they did.

_Breathing?!_

Yes, he's breathing. Got most of his blood, too! 

He was glad he was holding her up because the complete and total /relief/ when she realized they had Ling would have knocked her straight to the ground.

There you go. Morning.

_...I. I cannot believe I did this._ ‘This’ was about everything the last two weeks and /very/ much about the last day.

Well ya did! I'm having a good time about it. How about we go back inside, finish routing out every scrap of food they have in this joint, and while it's cooking I leave you alone while I try fixing this shield burn.

He let her feel how that shit smarted and she sucked a breath even though he was still the one with the lungs. He would have started on it last night but he'd been up the longest out of the three and needed a break. That, and he was way too blitzed to do anything finicky. Patting himself on the head wasn't something he did often but gestures of endearment when you shared a body would always come out weird. 

_O..okay._

He couldn’t judge her reaction too harshly... he’d had a worse episode not even an hour before.

\----------

At first he thought that he’d fallen asleep funny. He couldn’t feel his one arm besides it laying very heavily at his side. He shifted on the bed that also felt… off, hearing— of all the damn things he could hear- clunking and clicking close to his head. That was cause for some confusion.

He pulled himself to a reluctant sitting position, feeling an unfamiliar drag at his shoulder. What was so damn heavy??

He could feel the sun on his head and face so he kept his eyes firmly shut. The hangover that pressed at his temples told him that was a very good decision. At least a hangover wasn’t news. His head lolled forward and his neck followed up the motion by sounding off with a few clicks. He pumped his fingers, making a half fist with the arm that was there and not there to try and get some sensation back into it. His mouth tasted horrible.

He could hear the limb moving roughly against the crappy bedspread but he still couldn’t feel it? Did he drink enough to give himself a weird dead arm? Not even pins and needles?

His head felt stuffed full and stiff. He didn’t think he could still get this fucked up- he was impressed with himself!

How was Ling holding up? A fast internal check said he was sleeping hard so Greed wouldn’t get him up yet, but-

The outer edge of the… the area where Greed stopped and Ling began- the feeling was different. Like a shape under a thick rug being a box instead of an orb but there was no way to know the color or the details just yet. 

He could easily just chalk that up to being massively affected by some of the patented delirium tremens.

As he woke up more he could comprehend his body was... weird. But again, hungover.

It reminded him of when he'd first woken up in Ling, really. Everything was off kilter, it didn't feel like, spatially correct. But, he reasoned for a third time, hungover. 

“Whatna’ /hell/ did I do last night?” He bristled at the overload of sensation and used the heel of his hand to rub his eyes. He stroked the same hand against his shoulder to rub some feeling into the still numb arm next and felt… metal. Had he stolen some armor in a drunken tirade last night and managed to fall asleep still half in the damn stuff?

Greed endeavored to open his eyes only to stare blankly at the metal arm attached to his bare shoulder.

“That’s new.”

HAD HE GOTTEN /AUTOMAIL/ IN A DRUNKEN TIRADE LAST NIGHT? He looked down to make sure he hadn’t done any other limbs and saw a few things that did not belong where they were.

“That is also new!”

This was very different. Very, very, different. He needed to take much more stock at where and (… and who? No!) exactly the fuck he was right the hell now. The sound of even breathing against the tense silence made him turn to find Ling sleeping in a similar bed to the one he was in a few feet away.

“What in the absolute /fuck/ are -you- doing over THERE?!” Greed asked, voice cracking halfway through. Ling’s brow furrowed but smoothed after a moment.

Greed smacked his own face sharply. Damn it, he felt the slap cleanly and even worse felt Someone Else stir and ‘turn over’. His panic mounted. “Would like to wake up!!” he whispered into the dust that spun in the sunbeams filtering in from the window he was next to. It was now time to feel a very large amount of distress! Did he drink so much he was seeing a new kind of double?

Oh. Oh! This had to be in their brain! Yeah! Usually it didn’t have a window and beds! Did Ling figure out beds and didn’t even share with him that he’d done so? This was very upsetting! 

He wasn’t just hungover, he must have taken a nasty spill and broke his head clean open- that was all!! That explained how he was seeing Ling and had to be feeling Ling in his head at the same time!

“Ling, did you figure out beds and have some weird conceptions about me that we should talk about? Why did you pick shit beds?” he choked quietly. The idiot had somehow managed to perfectly visualize scratchy sheets even though they hadn’t collectively slept on them in fucking years. Real good skill! 

Their mind didn’t have sunlight, or enough spiders to stage a coup.

He knew who’s arm this was. 

Greed stopped all movement except for his mind, which rapidly churned. He brushed against Lan Fan’s sleeping one. 

What in the HELL had he done last night?

Being in Lan Fan meant something extremely bad had happened. Or a lot of very bad things in quick succession. The worst of all the bad things was him being in Lan Fan. Depending on whether she was -aware- of that fact meant if he died in the next whenever she woke up.

If Ling was over there why was he not /also/ over there? He wracked his memory. Some flashes of offering Lan Fan claws and a swiftly following event of abject wanton destruction drifted up from the murky bottom. 

Which-

-that apparently was a fun time had by all but did not actually explain very much!

He remembered waking up with her on a train, getting drenched in her utter panic- it taking the place of a proverbial bucket of water dumped over him. It had been about Ling, this All had been about Ling. 

It all hit him backwards to forwards in a flood. Greed muttered a few oaths in surprise and then gratitude as he was swamped in recall. 

Oh yeaaaah, they’d lost something and gained some other stuff, that was right. They’d gone on a massacre too, to get the thing they lost back! There were bloodstains all over the room to prove it and everything!

He could smell old blood (fine) and new blood (not so fine)...Which was coming from- oh, Ling. Greed was now able to call on the fact that Ling had not made it through the first part of his adventure unscathed. (Greed felt bad, the guy who owned the inn was gonna have a hell of a surprise when they left given that his beds and sheets were straight ruined.) 

Him and, damn he really was with her, Lan Fan had gained a lot in the last few hours! Lots of nice souvenirs- even a new shitty jacket! He saw it tossed over a chair and reminisced how they’d gotten it! (By working together!) He almost forgot about that!

Fuck him -running-!

He wanted to talk, to get Ling up, to learn what all had happened. Lan Fan could wait, she needed a breather, but- he was reminded mid thought how she had absolutely not wanted Ling to know exactly how involved she was in their joint venture last night. 

Shit. 

He had a pretty good idea that she wasn’t going to attack him on waking if he played it cool but if he ruined the fragile truce he’d spent the last day building from scratch by going over her head, as much as he wanted to-?

He wasn’t gonna wake either of them up. They both were sleepin’ so that's how he was gonna play things for now. Depending on who got up first was how the rest of this thing was gonna shake.

He wasn’t paralyzed like a deer no more, or more closely how Lan Fan had been paralyzed at the thought of Ling knowing she was there last night. Even like this- (in a shit inn, on shit beds, after burning the midnight oil, in a body that seriously did not fit right) a good job done, a decent night's sleep, and a nightcap or six was just what the doctor ordered. He’d finally caught a real bit of shut eye for what felt like the first time in forever. He’d been on mostly naps recently. More than six hours was basically decadent.

With her, from what he could tell, he felt more aligned or maybe both of them sleeping let things settle more into a temporary place. She was /out/. From how her body reacted to the near coma it was clear she didn’t get to do it too often. Greed had forgotten that knocking out fully and not trading off with somebody else was the norm for humans. Much like anything else when he was doubled up, a good night’s sleep felt double good. 

He felt like trash body-wise but that wasn’t mostly his fault. Mentally, which was more his realm these days, he was feeling pretty great!

His mouth still tasted like day old oysters. Mouthwash was something he didn't pack and he was not using his precious alcohol to spit and rinse. Breakfast was in the cards for himself, if only to duck the flavor.

His eyes found Ling again. All the way over there. Crazy. His face was a little screwed up like he was uncomfortable. Greed supposed he would be if what he remembered of his side looked any worse in full daylight. Ling was trying to curl into a ball and didn’t look like it was going well.

Greed tossed his pillow at the former prince’s face on a hunch. There went his arms on cue, wrapping around it like one of those fantasy drawings of the big squids grabbing a ship.

He was getting up anyway, and it stopped the moron from trying to curl around a hole in himself.

Greed would do the nice thing and get breakfast. If living with Ling had taught him anything it was that food usually solved most problems, or at least made them background enough they could be ignored. Lan Fan was aware of him being with her on purpose but Greed reasoned that if he had food to throw down at the feet of the tiger that he was trapped in the cage with it would be a good plan B. 

He’d make it another peace offering, just in case. The biggest offering was sleeping a few feet away so Lan Fan throttling him to death before he could get a word in to defend himself was an outside chance rather than unavoidable fate!

Greed was surprised that his alarm hadn't woken her up. He was kinda not sure whether to take the compliment that she was comfortable enough to sleep or have interest in keeping her asleep as long as he could.

Greed elected to very carefully get up and do some basic morning routine so she would be decent enough to be seen in public. She could do the rest later even though he still had a lot of gross shit on him from afformentioned carnage. If she woke up totally clean she’d kill him. It was not like him to hand something back he’d borrowed covered in GRIME but—

The basin he was washing up in wasn’t deep enough to dunk his head. More’s the pity. He took care to not slam the door like he usually did when he left a room after he was done. If anyone was being taken advantage of here she was the one taking advantage of /him/! Making him get up and get her breakfast! Unbelievable what these kids made him do! Utterly barbaric!

Having to work to the bone every day! Now there were Two hungry people he had to feed! He wasn’t even counting himself!

He usually hated being up with /birds/ like someone /functional/.

Disgusting normally, but today he would allow it.

It was actually nice to hear birds, that tea kettle noise had finally eased off a bit- like the fire had been turned off on the stove. Almost peaceful.

Sure as hell won’t be once everyone got up so he would enjoy it now.

\----------

Comparing their recent awakenings Lan Fan’s was /much/ less protracted and very much less full of panic. Just like her to expedite a crisis. She’d taken it way better than he thought! He’d indeed played it cool and was rewarded with her cooperation! It wasn’t even of the begrudging sort!

On Lan Fan’s end she had done this to herself and she would slog herself out of it. Cooperation was necessary to achieve that end. She tried to put a stop to thinking about last night. She was happy they had found Ling but what she’d felt- it had gone beyond what she normally experienced when she completed a job of hers. Even one as important as this one. 

Glee was plausibly the emotion she was looking for but she was unsure, having never really experienced it quite like that before. 

Getting stuff done, being orderly while causing disorder? Those she was familiar with! She had not known why she had almost wanted to /giggle/ in those tunnels. Obviously she suspected Greed but she also knew it wasn’t only from him. Relief, when it was delayed like this, was a hell of a high. She’d been almost frantically happy, borderline hysterical! 

It had transferred between her and Greed building and almost intensifying in strength. She didn’t think herself so dramatic to feel things like this. Greed was the epitome of dramatic, he’d flip tables over nothing! Why had he been the one that needed to give /her/ a talking to before they had entered the base? 

-

She joined him when they went back inside. (As if she could be anywhere else?)

Stepping back inside to finish getting breakfast something new blocked their path. Almost as if they were literally placed there by a higher power to ruin her soap bubble of hope for the future, some jerk that had clearly oozed up from some misplaced crack in the ground swooped just beyond the doorway entrance to eclipse her vision. How she’d known he was a jerk so immediately was the back of his hand on her cheek and him using his height to peer down at her with a “Hello, beautiful.”

/There/ were the suitors! Greed was wondering where they were! They were supposed to be falling over him for he knew he was /very/ pretty at the moment.

(Blood, gore, grime, paper shredder mouth, lumpy cloak jacket, an odd clank of metal under the jacket for sharp ears? Irresistible!) 

Lan Fan was not beating around the bush; she was sure she looked like a witch that had crawled up from a bog no matter what Greed thought to himself.

She exhaled in fit of resigned loathing towards the situation at hand. Putting aside it was ten in the goddamn morning (who tries this kind of thing before /lunch?/) she did not want this to happen here, now, or at All.

He probably didn't see her come in last night or he wouldn't even be trying. Even allowing for that particular ignorance he noticeably didn’t have any instincts on his own. As a rule Lan Fan put out enough of a ‘do not mess with me’ aura to rival a poison dart frog’s and she hadn’t stopped doing that for this rube! She’d been turning it up!

Greed was fascinated, the people looking to get to know him better and the people looking to do the same for her, the about.... (he checked a fact) four times it had happened were about as opposite as it could get. 

What tickled Greed the most was that out of the two people this idiot had in front of him, the one with the body he wanted to try and pick up was the much more powerful threat! All Greed wanted was a bite out of his wallet, (for the moment!). Since his coffers were currently limited he’d take every gift that fell into their lap! This morning assailant was an unexpected treat!

Lan Fan knew she could pull this guy’s spine out through his mouth but she was TIRED. She was happily thanking every god that Ling was not down here making things worse. Of course at the lack of trouble Greed smoothly took up the position rather than letting her blow past this waste of space.

There was no rousing anger on her account from the homunculus, just quiet amusement and calculation. It was appropriate of Greed to at least know she could handle herself and not offer on the grounds of 'protecting' her from this breathtakingly dense fool. 

WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM? STUPID?-don't answer that, he asked, then thought better of it. Did you catch a brain rattling from the explosion last night? Why would I think you wouldn’t have this waste handled?

She took control to step back from the man’s hand but Greed kept her legs from moving. Not another one of his -suggestions-! 

Not even noticing she had moved away from the limb he was lucky to keep, the fool continued on with "Come here often?" He smiled. She bet he thought that was ‘suave’! Simultaneously she felt her ‘oh you have got to be kidding’ and Greed’s ‘COOL!’ (and the feeling of a cat watching a bird) crash into each other.

 _What could you /possibly/ want from this?_ she asked.

Let me show you!  He grinned. 

She was halfway to actually /letting him/ show her by letting him take back over which- WOW REALLY? EASY? That easy? But stopped dead.

 _Wait. Why?_ She couldn’t narrow her own eyes anymore because Greed was in control of her face but she supplied the perception of it. 

Free drinks? 

_Are you serious?_ They had money and more important things to do! How was -he- supposed to get free drinks? 

I /know/ how to con some dope for stuff. I ran a reputableish bar for more time than you've been alive. Don’t tell me I can’t get free drinks. Secondly, why not? I know we have money, but don’t turn your nose up at free! 

_It is MORNING._ Telling him the time must be on what kind of drink he surmised she thought he wanted. 

Can get half a mimosa? Free is free!  Didn’t have to have a spike in it (he’d curbed his appetite for that last night). Juice probably cost a mint here. He would love something with mint in it, actually.

This was fun! They were going to do a fun thing together! The only two kinds of people hanging around a town like this were of two categories;

One- smart enough to handle themselves.

And two- dumber than a sack of hammers.

Greed had the insight that it had to be the second one. If this guy wasn’t paying attention to Lan Fan’s ‘don’t fuck with me’, as well as the vibe of ‘taken’ that was not in the way the drink machine in front of him usually thought about people, then he deserved whatever he got!

From the perspective of their new friend the girl in front of him was pretty and small, just how he liked them- despite the...smell, and those stains. He didn’t know what one as good as her was doing out in these parts but he’d shoot his shot and she probably wouldn’t feel comfortable turning him down. He had that effect on people. She seemed interested, wanting three drinks for her first order? He told her she was, "pretty greedy, wanting a lot for nothing."

Greed was miffed Ling was still out like a light, he’d be getting a royal kick out of this. Something for nothing was a personal rule of his but he personally thought keeping Lan Fan from biting this guy in the face was payment enough! 

He teased the shittiest mimosa he ever had out of the man at the cost of about a dozen negative compliments. Boilerplate backhanded stuff. Hilarious.

He’d seen it an infinite amount of times and maybe when there was a clear power imbalance he’d intervened, but it was kinda neat to be on the receiving end of this kind of mistake in the making. It wasn’t often someone took stock of him with a look of possible conquest. Jokes all day!

-

Addressing power imbalances, the scale here tipped so far in Lan Fan’s favor it broke, but Greed was just so besotted with his new toy! Three drinks and 'whatever the lady wanted from the back’ was his current scorecard!

If Lan Fan turned her nose up at free food Greed would start screaming the word hypocrite at the top of someone’s lungs. How many times had she let Ling ply food from someone only to capitalize on it for herself? She’d even done it to Edward.

Thinking on the sleeping emperor, Lan Fan was most absolutely sure Greed got this ‘toying with others’ behavior from him.

So what if Greed picked a few things up? He was almost encouraged to with the likes of the face that he was stuck with usually! People liked to think they could take advantage of it! He missed his whole deal of being menacing at a glance but it was nice for the trap laying stylistic choices that Xing had been beating into him!

Want a sidecar? Ice, dust the rim with sugar- got yourself a half assed lemonade!  She did not. In fact she wasn’t experienced on what she had to do in this situation besides diffuse it and leave. 

Play the advantages your creator gave you, I killed mine but I still give him big ups for making me hot. Used that for all it was worth! 

If there was a wall in her mind she would be pressing her head to it.

I can—

_NO CRASH COURSE YOU OFFER ME RIGHT NOW IS THE RIGHT ANSWER._

I was gonna say I can just start insulting him and we could play a game of how long it takes him to just leave? 

Insulting everyone in sight range was another him and Ling thing. For fun. Greed was quick to find the- if not good in people - at least the worth. It took him a bit to get being mean for meanness sake. In the capital, especially the palace, he could bet any random person was Probably a shithead so morals-wise privately traded insults were free!

Lan Fan was officially done. _Do you want to go check on Ling now?_

Guess we could. I’m gettin’ bored,  he replied. She couldn’t miss the ‘YES!!’ that ran under his nonchalance.

They (Greed and Ling) had barely been out incognito lately so fucking with a stranger that was fully in the 'revoked their right to keep their things (money, dignity. etc) zone'- it had been a nice detour. They got a lot of politicians but since they had to keep relations neither of them could go too far! Someone they were never gonna see again was a great plaything! (Four drinks, breakfast, and an apple that Greed had already slipped the core of into this fool’s front shirt pocket— Not a bad haul!)

“I need to leave now. It was fine to speak with you.” Lan Fan was irritated but she’d seen how much Greed had taken from the man and would let knocks against herself go if it let them get back up to Ling faster. 

The man spat on the ground at her feet, "Bitch."

Mind me going for it? 

_Why even ask me?_ She wasn’t stopping him.

It’s nice to do? Excluding when Greed got excitable pretty much every action he had done had been preceded by a mental catch of the eye. She’d been ignoring him so fiercely that she'd missed the majority.

It was a shame he wouldn’t get to play with the toy longer but alas— he had work. Ling was work. 

Greed stepped back into control to tie off whatever he had planned with their unwitting financier. Lan Fan observed when he was in control she literally felt bigger. Presence had to play into it. Greed couldn’t stop himself from drawing attention. 

The difference between the homunculus of a day or two ago and now, besides the ‘confidence’ bouncing back, was she could tell he was distributed differently? Whatever she’d ascribe the soul or intent. Him. That which was Greed and not her. Much less active grasping.

Greed had pushed the man closer to the wall away from the exit. “How about we get outta here?” she heard Greed ask. What in the HELL DID HE THINK-

But there was much too much vicious intent from her passenger for what she first thought he was trying to pull. One of her arms left a hole in the wall next to the man’s head and stayed embedded in it as Greed leaned on his elbow nonchalantly.

Their 'suitor' finally got that he wasn’t playing with fire, he was playing with a live puff adder and would have pushed her over in his haste to leave if it wasn’t for the fact that it was like trying to knock over an oak tree. He ducked under the arm in the wall and fell over a chair, picking up a sure goose egg to go with his lesson. 

"Aw, what I say?" Greed asked the air where he’d been, disappointed. Lan Fan realized one of her hands was holding something and wasn’t shocked to find a wallet. Now that he’d gotten what he’d came here for (besides frazzling her nerves _again)_ could they go? The morning was getting away from them.

Lead the way, boss!He tossed the wallet up in the air and caught it a few times as she walked them back upstairs with an entire pot of free soup clutched in her metal hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ling's straight meaner than Greed in many respects. Lan Fan had been too full of adoration and excuses for some of his shit behaviors to really notice that much. Of course now through the lense of Greed monkey seeing a lot of Ling's junk she's a bit.... annoyed. 
> 
> Not to say that her lord is tarnished in her eyes, but maybe a bit if his gleam is less... blinding.  
> He's human, and as much as Greed is Not, in all the ways it matters Greed is too.   
> They may be a force that is greater than the sum of their parts but some summations of some parts are kinda rotten.


	9. Density

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The group is actually wholly conscious and in proximity to each other, a considerable feat! Too bad someone has suddenly realized that they are mortified to be in this situation.

Ling had realized he wasn't tied down upon waking bolt upright at the smell of food. Oh hell, they had finally found him. Oh fucking hell- did he /hurt/. 

It was Lan Fan who met his eyes with a pot of something and some bowls set up on the table in front of him. A litany of expressions passed over her face before settling into cautious deliverance. Ling clutched his wound as she shakily bowed to the very ground. (Almost like she wasn't very used to it). 

He raised the arm that wasn’t attending his side in entreaty, "Lan Fan, you don't need to-"

"Yes I do! I did not perform the functions that I am literally alive to do! I failed you lord—" Her head jerked up but she stayed nearly flat on the ground.

Ling frowned, sitting as straight up as he could on the bed. "No! I will not hear this! /I/ screwed up and put myself in danger. I was not careful nor did I have appropriate consideration and that is my fault and no one else's. Not even Greed's." He'd had nothing but time to think these last two weeks. He'd depended on them both too much in the wrong way and he had not been fair. It had all been horrible but most of all it had been horrible being alone.

"Lan Fan, you are to support me, not hold me up while I drag at you. For that matter, Greed literally supports me, I know, but if I get into trouble it's him on the chopping block too." Greed got into his own problems and caused trouble but Ling reserved the right to veto and they both knew that. Ling had offered Greed a spot with him trusting he'd known intrinsically what it entailed but thinking he'd been /gone/ gone due to his error was an awful thing to weigh on him.

"I mourned once already," he said, rubbing the back of his still empty hand with his other thumb. That was an awfully nostalgic view that he had nearly surrendered to despair upon seeing when he'd cracked an eye open a week ago. Not much else needed to be communicated.

Greed obviously wasn't here but even feeling that pull he'd felt so close and seeing him for those scant minutes last night made Ling feel ambiently better than he'd felt in weeks. 

Lan Fan was still next to his bed, palms flat on the floor, but she now regarded him with an oddly mixed look. She lowered her head to bow again.

UH NUH, I DON'T FULL TOUCH MY HEAD ON THE FLOOR FOR NOBODY. Lan Fan had seen Greed do it multiple times but he passed it off as brain stuff didn't count. This floor smelled like spiders and was grimy. 

She raised her head a final time and got up to help her emperor to the table. He took her hand and pulled himself up with more strength than she'd felt when he was holding on to Greed last night.

She, meanwhile, felt awful. Ling had come home enough times with the condition she now had, moaning and complaining of the detractors. Her head throbbed. Her body was covered enough that Greed had focused on clearing up her face and hands. She'd still seen some marks in the mirror over the sink down the hall when he had left her alone to clean up before getting the soup. She hoped they were gone by now.

"Is Greed gonna come eat with us? I only see two bowls," Ling inquired. He was pretty excited to share a meal with him that wasn't /with/ him. Lan Fan looked at him stiffly and told him Greed would be fine. Maybe she was similarly looking forward to a Greedless experience? Ling was kind of disappointed. 

Greed meanwhile was pretty baffled, Lan Fan was still that hung up on this?

WHY DO YOU EVEN CARE THAT MUCH, IT'S FINE? After all that junk from yesterday he was in better with her, he could tell. She at least wasn't pulling away. -Despite- all that junk from yesterday she still wanted Ling oblivious?

She hit Greed with a rush of concepts. Old thoughts about himself and how she thought him gross, her 'lowering' herself to interact with him, keeping him much more than an arm's length away. Memories of her yelling at Ling over and over and over about getting into trouble, getting possessed. How could he? How stupid he'd been, how dangerous it was. Etcetera, in perpetuity. 

Scraps of the fact that this was somehow… Indecent of her to even be doing, which he took offense to all over again. He had couth! She was a zygote compared to him, of all the-! 

During all this she was hiding behind the steam of the pot, mortified.

Now that she'd bagged her quarry she had nothing to think about besides being absolutely /humiliated/. 

Two hundred years made it so 'Life Experience' was a heavy tome of his to pull from. But this shit was all new, biologically speaking. Humans were so uptight! He tried to level with her:

Like YEAH it's Embarrassing for me too! Shit, being nearly under five feet- but we literally rescued him from certain death, so he can shut up?

Ling would laugh a little, yeah it would suck, but Greed hadn't really had a say in where he ended up, per se! The less said about other things the better, he didn't want Lan Fan to realize she was corporeal and die of whatever emotion went beyond embarrassment.

People had bodies. She had to suck it up. Greed was already /well aware/ humans were gross— what with the fluids and such. That mindset came preinstalled from his parentage! Humans constantly made noise and needed to do things like breathe. They had so many organs and barely even knew what they did! Greed was horrifically not so ignorant. There was always something weird going on internally so there was no damn reason to get worked up about the external. 

The human experience! If Greed were to have a go of it poetically; the machine of humanity was beautiful!- And less poetically, every single time he threw up he asked himself; 'WAS IT FUCKING WORTH IT?’

On to the next problem. Ling had too many of his gross fluids Outside. He was lucky that when he looked down he didn't see daylight shining through!

The kid was leaking like a broken egg. As Greed saw it briefly last night it almost looked like the stuff that came off a bad burn round the edges. Lan Fan was getting hung up on petty shit still. She needed to hear exactly how Ling was messed up, she’d been asleep!

Greed mulled over something else he’d spied her fussing over while she shakily prepared breakfast. To him, it was strange to see someone that had an inferiority complex of any kind. (He and Ling sure were well matched!) She used phrases like 'this unworthy one'! Unworthy for what? Lan Fan was an absolute dynamite example of humanity! Ling, for all his flaws was also like, 'up there' and she was /better/ than him. Was it the royalty thing? How he was born into it and got lucky over something he couldn't control? Ling only threw down the royal card when he wanted something and he'd never done it to her. He was a goof first and a prince (then king) like twelfth on the list.

Greed liked a ruling class because of course he was destined to be a part of it but society was annoying sometimes. 

He was pretty sure Lan Fan hadn't felt any of those thoughts because she was too busy staring at a knot of wood on the ground with enough attention to strip the stain off it. Ling had been asking her more questions. 

-

Ling was overjoyed to see Lan Fan again. He'd been 'Not Thinking About' Greed but after two weeks without her as well he'd been also nervous for her health. She must have ripped the capital apart…

He asked where they were and she showed him on a map, though this town wasn't on it. He should get a better census and mapmakers together. He could practically hear Greed complaining about 'how was he supposed to appreciate his shit if he didn't know where and how much it was'.

Lan Fan looked better than Ling thought she would after such a hard trek. She'd explained over a few bowls that after Greed was up and running she'd followed his directions here in only a half a day! It must have been tough for her to have him lead. So that sensation he had when he was captive wasn't one sided? Ling theorized it was because Greed was attuned to him that they had been able to find him. Lan Fan snapped her fingers and pointed an eager yes. 

… That was a weird one for her to be doing.

'She looks really sunburnt and she had only been out looking for me in the mountains for a day?' he thought sympathetically.

Maybe she slipped and fell on something? That wasn't like her either. She was moving a little gingerly but of course she would be, she was only human!

-

Hey! Can we stop dancing around already? 

Greed had taken control on the third bowl of soup to have some for himself. He wasn't gonna let the cat out of the bag without her say but damn was he already annoyed.

_No. I am a hypocrite. I cannot face him._

These fucking— Ling was the biggest hypocrite he knew! She wasn't in the same weight class as king 'do as I say, not as I do' sitting across from them. Greed slurped his soup and handed Ling an extra spoon when he fumbled his and it hit the ground. Ling took it in surprise.

It's CALLED Lan FAN that your MORALS are MUTABLE depending on what you WANT. You had almost no chance of actually being real hurt with me, I'm too good. But LING. Ling thought he could /die/, he was totally READY to do so! Then I got to him and he was fully ready to pitch everything that was him in the bin! (Called my bluff, the conniving-) You knew you'd be fine 'cause he was no worse for wear. You had precedents! 

She was at least listening to him this time. Greed was doing a dangerous thing bringing up how close Ling had been to kicking it but it was true. Ling was almost out of soup, Greed stood up and ladled it automatically. Walking around to his back he pushed his chair in so he didn't have to lean as far. 

You still got the moral high ground if we're playing that game. You waited a full three days since your first suspicion! Ling waited about three seconds and that's probably overstating it! 

This soup needed a little something. Before Greed sat down he went to the bag and took the bottle of hot sauce he'd smuggled back over to the table. Leaning over, he shook a few drops into Ling's bowl. He'd like it. 

You meanwhile... were... hmm you were searching for a lead but you wanted other stuff too, what was that… 

Greed remembered asking a question to them both, Ling's answer had been that he wanted power while hers… something about some/bodies/ being okay? 

/Ho ho./

Lan Fan wrested her body from him and shook the bottle he still held into her soup, taking a fourth bowl for herself and burying her face in it. 

Ling watched her eat in a way that could only be 'pissed off'. She looked /mad/. He had apologized, fully sincere and everything! This was going to be a loooong trip home. He wasn't sure if she was mad at him- it didn't feel directed that way. He smelled the tang of acrid booze under the warm smell of leeks and potatoes. Lan Fan’s gloveless hand looked alright but when she reached over to dump sauce in his soup (nice of her, exactly how he liked it, too. Greed had tipped him off to this combination recently) her sleeve bunched up to show her arm was in rough shape. What a nasty burn!

"Lan Fan are you alright? You get sun poisoning? That can make you sick!” he exclaimed. She looked a little under the weather besides fatigue. 

"Mmm no I do smell something alcoholic, it's shit stuff too. Greed has been here. I didn’t dream that, right?” he questioned instead. Greed still wasn’t around, though he was nearby. Ling felt a little slighted. Hadn’t he missed him? Lan Fan was looking at him under her bangs, he couldn’t see her eyes too well but they looked kind of red. 

OH! Had they celebrated him being back? Had Greed gotten her to drink? She must be /embarrassed/ to have gotten caught acting her age for once. 

“Did Greed get you plastered?” he ribbed. Greed carried him out of an explosion and she had helped cause that explosion. They deserved to unwind! (He was -not- angry he had missed it…)

Her eyebrows flung upward and she scowled. He must have been on the mark! Speaking of Greed- Ling was tired of the homunculus playing coy.

“Where’s Ed, he can crawl out from under the bed now- I can feel Greed just like he could to me, I know he's around here. ED! I’M NOT JUDGEY. I’LL ONLY LAUGH A LITTLE,” he yelled in triumph. So much for Ed not doing anything while he laid around his house like a lump. 

“COME OUT AND LET ME LAUGH AT YOU! Ow! LAUGHING WILL HURT ME SO YOU'LL ENJOY IT TOO!” Ling grabbed at the worst part of the pain, pressing down. Had he bled through these bandages? He saw some sign that he had, but not too much. That was good! “Is he off day drinking? It’s like still birds o’ clock out there.” Lan Fan peered at him silently with what he interpreted as unease, though that couldn’t be right. 

Lan Fan knew Greed had been at the bottle but she’d ignored it as some sort of… payment or something.

The homunculus in question had kept his mouth shut while he was in the background trying to fix their hangover before she said anything but side-eyed her something fierce. 

You’re not gonna get out of this one poppet, like you do know that. 

He felt her determination to try her damned hardest to do so. Whatever! He was interested to see how long her agility would stand up to the one of the densest materials known to creation and he wasn’t talking about carbon. 

"He is nearby. The others will be here soon and we can deal with him then."

Ling didn’t understand why Greed was so hung up with hiding, he was just glad to be alive. Greed probably hadn’t given Ed that hard a time while he was still missing. He most likely was just making up for lost time now that the stakes were lowered. He remembered that Greed had come to get him in the shield, perhaps Ed didn’t like looking like he had a skin condition. 

“Would have liked to have soup together,” Ling muttered. 

Lan Fan sat down next to him with a medical kit and another difficult to decipher face. 

“I am going to change your bandages and the more you talk the more it will hurt. There are rice balls in the bag if you are still hungry.”

He was lunging before she’d even gotten the whole sentence out. 

“QUIT YOUR MOVING!,” she shouted, voice rough, dragging him back with the bandage she had half unwrapped from his torso, “I, um, mean--, ahem--stop this instant. Stay still.”

It had hurt but the three pieces he’d been able to stuff into his mouth were worth it. She wasn’t one to be so crude but it had been two weeks, she could reprimand him however she wanted. 

Greed thought Ling looked like a labrador with a bunch of tennis balls. Labs were smarter.

“If you choke I will just let you die and that is how it will end,” she said tiredly as she used the basin to clean up the worst of the damage. The water was quickly dyed brownish red. He had picked up a lot more damage than she had thought from the explosion but the wound she half expected to start bleeding like an open tap kept her (and another's) attention. She got up to pitch the dirty water out of the window when she was done.

“You didn’t come to get me just to let me die before I name Mei my successor so we at least have to get back to my house,” he joked.

“Ed and Al are busy forging your signatures; they might have it done already.” Lan Fan had begun to wrap new gauze around him. He raised his arm so she’d be more able to get it around his ribs. 

“I told Alphonse not to teach Ed!”

“You should have not taught Al,” she floated airily in rare critique. She didn’t have any sympathy for that mistake. 

“YES, AND?” 

She cut the bandages and tucked the end into the other wrapped part to secure it, while Ling hummed, annoyed over getting called out. Bringing over the package with the rice balls she held it in front of him. She grabbed two and passed them to him automatically, keeping a third in hand.

"Yo, can I score one of these?" she asked.

"Sure!" He watched her break it in half and eagerly inhale it. “Wait so you said- Al and… Ed?- were busy. So are they not here? I thought Ed was the one who got me out last night? Did you guys put Greed in a convict or something?”

She had rice all over her face. 

"Goddamn these are my favorite, uhm no we- uh...no we left pretty much everyone back home and told them to follow later. They might have caught up last night, we should go downstairs and check at the front desk.”

Ling wondered why he had to come but a hand on his shoulder forcing him back down on the bed told him that he wasn’t?

“/I/ will go do that right now. Eat your rice balls,” she said sharply. 

“Okay! Is there a weapon in the bag just in case?”

“What do you take u-me for? Mei's lucky kunai is in one of the outside pockets. Don't cut yourself, you still look half dead. Don't wanna push you over the edge."

Ling handed her the chest plate on the ground and helped her to fasten it. Usually she started telling him to stop if he tried to help her with things but it looked like she almost expected it. 

"Eh, maybe a third?" he grinned over her shoulder at her. It was nice to joke again.

"Don't argue with m- okay, I am going downstairs now."

Did you know the longer you put this off the more awkward it's gonna be?

_YOU CAN CEASE EXISTING NOW._

Nah, never sticks.

Lan Fan wanted to scream again as she felt absolutely wrapped in a disgustingly smug blanket.

-

Ling waved goodbye to her as she shut the door and started going through her bag.

He found clothes that weren't rags. He wasn't going to take a bath with this type of injury so he shakily rose to the opposite side of the bed to pour more of the pitcher of water into the basin to rinse himself off. Above the pitcher was a small mirror. Yuck, did he look awful! 

When he thought he was Greedless before he hadn't noticed the gradual creep of features he associated with the homunculus. Greed was most definitely somewhere else this time so his face wasn't him hallucinating and thinking he was seeing things like the last year. He ran a tongue over teeth that he knew were sharper than his old ones and in just the right light his eyes, black usually, had a touch of purplish red. The bastard -had- renovated! 

Ling must have hit his head harder than he thought, he could've sworn Greed's signature was moving around with Lan Fan. Ed must've been hiding behind her for a prank, what a scamp. It was tough to pinpoint being so close and with her still masking her chi but he couldn't put together another explanation. His magnetism must be off kilter, he felt dizzy. Blood loss sure was fun.

He remembered Greed's voice sounded funny last night too but it was probably just the head trauma again. Echoey tunnels made everyone's voices sound higher pitched.

Ling tried to brush his hair up but his arms didn't want to do it right. His wrist and shoulder pained him, how had Greed… He stuck the comb in his mouth and tried again. 

He didn't feel nice. No more pickled plum for a while. He was happy Lan Fan ate the last one, so he wouldn't be tempted. She usually liked fried chicken rice balls, not pickled plum. Or... maybe he forgot, it had been a while since she had come into town. 

'Usually me and Greed just lay waste to the plum ones so maybe she didn't get to try them until my absence. We're both such assholes, we should try to make it up to her sometime. She can't hide getting along with Greed a little bit and I'm sure if they hung out more they'd get along better,' he thought and smiled. He resisted asking the mirror how he looked with a jot of chagrin.

"I hope he hasn't been annoying the shit out of her without me to clamp on to. They'd do well to hang out without me, maybe it deepened their bond," he said restfully.

She obviously kicked Greed out of the room before he got up so he reasoned they were probably still a bit prickly. (Did him and Ed have a different room? Had she made them sleep on the floor? Had she slept on the floor? Did she want to separate them on an off chance keeping them apart now might mean they stay apart? No. That was ridiculous. Lan Fan knew better than that. 

(...Greed had come to at least check on him- right?) 

Lan Fan had to have booted him for bad behavior. She was probably just annoyed Greed was the one that got him out and not her, Ling thought. He was consistently always so /competitive/. Making a game out of his rescue, of course Greed would. When she came back he should ask her what she had been doing to tie her up so Greed 'won' last night, there must've been a ton of guards. He bet it was a great story.

Wow, did Ling miss not being able to feel anything! He twisted just a little too sharply to sit back down and felt himself almost white out. Greed often insisted he would take the pain of an injury, unless he thought Ling deserved it- which was often. Ling thought this one would qualify for some help but he resisted thinking about Greed as a crutch for things he didn't want to deal with. What had he /just/ brought up to Lan Fan? Though if Greed was with him, Ling secretly doubted he'd have much choice. 

Greed had expressed what looked like some sympathy, there. Of course he'd want to fix the body he occupied, get to be emperor again, but...

Maybe he shouldn't have laughed at Ed last night. He must have been pretty fast to beat Lan Fan to him. Greed obviously ran him ragged in his haste. Ed could fight but he didn't have stamina. Nice of him to agree and be so quick, Ling was pretty touched. It wasn't like it was a precedent, he did remember Ed had got him out of blood hell when he'd collapsed, too.

'That's why I haven't seen him or Greed, they're just passed out in the room beneath me!' he reasoned peaceably.

Lan Fan must have made them sort their differences out quickly, she'd want to save as much time as possible. Maybe she had carried Ed so he didn't have to keep up with her. Haha, that meant that she had to have carried Greed too. Him being that close to her?

"She puts up with so much for me," Ling said to the nest of spiders on the ceiling. He'd rest for a second before he put new clothes on. "I'm so lucky to have her!"

\----------

The front desk hadn't seen anyone come by asking for anyone, let alone her. The seating area was thankfully deserted, if someone came to bother Lan Fan now Greed didn't think he'd be able to hold her back from staining the floor. She'd next elected to hunch over one of the empty tables with her fingers laced in front of her, head facing down. 

So, we gonna go back upstairs or are we just gonna wait down here all day? 

Lan Fan hissed through her fingers and didn't volunteer anything else.

Somehow, I know Ling's just the stupidest person alive, but he's thinking about us a lot. Don't ask how I know, I just do. Proximity, I dont fucking know. He'll /eventually/ figure it out and then he's gonna wanna know why you Hid it! 

"Why are they all so /SLOW/ it has been almost twenty hours!!" she shook.

They're not slow you're just a fucking speed demon. He thought about something,  You said after twenty four hours that you'd DIE is that still on the table cause if it is I'll take my chances comatose. 

She took his jibe seriously. _I mean, can I bleed you out? Can we just do that right now?_

He waffled around with a few concepts and facts he knew and could also infer. A lot was not very clear!  Mmm, not sure! Dad had no problem with it but he was immortal, so, chances ambivalent. Second time it happened to me was worse, would also like to avoid the gut impalement. Not very fun. 

She was thirsty, an arm of hers brought the water that was on the table closer. Lan Fan stared at it for a long moment and picked it up to sip at it. Being waited on wasn't something she was used to. As far as the logistics of the action it was the thought that counted.

I like a better percentage if I'm gonna bet on my life about it…  He paused for a second.  Or yours. 

She felt him mess with a cuticle.

You're free to slice your hand. Went in that way so best option to come out? I'll focus real hard on it and we'll see how far that takes us? Low risk enough we probably won't die doin' it. Oh fuck- 

"Lan Fan? Are you still down here, I want more food?"

_Fucking._ "Go back inside /LI/!"

Ling clutched the banister, "It took me a couple minutes to get halfway down these stairs! Also wow you're sounding like a mutual friend of ours right now!"

She looked at him like she had swallowed a lemon.

"Just a joke! There's no one else even around except that angry looking bar keep, it's fine. Take me to the mob or whatever 'huntress'. I'm mince. I stole those jewels and I'll steal them again. Or whatever I did," Ling deadpanned. The pain took a lot of wind out of his positivism.

She shot him a really pained angry glare, something he couldn't misinterpret.

He frowned at the stairs he was going to have to drag himself back up, "Leaving, ow. Leaving, ow." Greed watched Ling eke himself back to their temporary abode until he was out of view.

Oh yeah by the way last night two guys were looking for us. 

_YOU PICK NOW._

Sorry I didn't mention it sooner was busy with the hangover stuff, you understand. 

_YOU PICK NOW AND YOU GAVE ME A WHAT._

She knew he had imbibed but something told her he'd blacked out. She had not wanted!-

Ohhhhh you thought you were hurting because the /shield/, oooooohhh..... 

She was still sitting at the table but the chair under her creaked with restrained movements.

I WAS /THIRSTY/. YOUR SECONDHAND STRESS DROVE ME TO DRINK. 

_That is a lie!_

HALF TRUTH. Ling taught me alllllllllllll about 'em,  He explained fastidiously.

She got the perceptions of 'hold on/I fixed it/ it's honesty pretty unimportant’, and ‘oh shush' all at once.

/Anyways/ they were looking for a monster carrying someone but when I carried Ling in last night the shield was long gone. Also, I think they think you were a guy so our alibi seems pretty solid. It was pretty dark in there and your armor hides a lot. My mask hid the rest! Pretty surprised two of 'em got out though, good for them. Further surprised they still had the balls and the stupidity to want to look around for us. Persistent. 

There was that deep seething anger she'd felt a flash or so of again. It didn't pair with the good humor he'd been oozing this whole time but she also liked a job in which Ling had been in danger neatly (and viciously) done so she couldn’t begrudge him it.

 _Maybe some of them were not in the tunnels last night_. It was looking like their large opposition's operation was more spread out than she and Greed thought. Lan Fan had lost count of the people she'd seen in those tunnels, being distracted at the time. 

Usually when you blow their shit all to hell it's like when you destroy an ant mound. We might have the misfortune of dealing with cockroaches and not ants. Fuckin' hate bugs Lan Fan. It wasn't a question but there was a request to her tied into it. She felt like it was tied to the deeply personal anger that had risen in her directly from him every time he saw Ling wince.

They would simply have to swat them, then. 

Pain in my ass, or you know- 

_DO. NOT. I KNOW WHERE YOU ARE GOING DON'T EVEN /THINK/ IT!_ she blanched. 

Sure sure, I don't have to say it when you already thought it yourself, hahaha! That's what Ling calls a cyclical trap. Sick lye kle. Siic lick al… whatever. 

_Shut up shut up shut up!_

He dropped it.

To plan for once, you think we stay here or move on since apparently there's at least a couple left breathing air. I don't like being a sitting duck. We can try the palm slice thing but if it takes you out we might all die in this shitty inn. Costs and benefits!

He felt her deliberate. She sat a little straighter and put a hand on her cheek. _I would like Ling to see a doctor sooner rather than later..._

Same! That means getting back with protection. Would like the doctor to be me, I know my way around. Boy looks worse in the daylight, gotta say. 

Plan done Greed went on to the smaller thorn bush.

Now, are you going to pull the stick out of where I am not allowed to mention or I will die or are you gonna at least tell him. You'll be waiting a long time if you want him to say shit there, bangs. 

_Fine by me._

I know that ... whole entire thing he's got going on. He's got enough clues by now but he's just blocked the possibility. I'M VERY AWARE OF HOW THAT FEELS, LAN FAN  , Greed yelled accusingly, referencing the year Ling thought him gone and basically forced him to stay that way even though he hadn't left.

_Good, then you should have some sense of how long I can keep this up._ She was like a dog with a bone on this!

Hypocrite!  You're the one who brought me up in the first place and I didn't even pry to get that fact, Al ratted on you so take it up with him later. 

_Six hours of drunken sleep is not enough for me to have this conversation._

Is for me, grow a liver. Ooh nice mental glare! you're getting good at this visualization stuff.  He winked in return.  If it's just you and me walking Ling back home he's gonna connect some dots. Might as well just rip it off like a bandage. 

He used her mouth to curl a rancid smile.  If you want- /I/ can do it? 

Her brain lit up like a casino with 'NO'.

Scaredy cat. Whuss. Come onnnn it's gonna be Hilarious. This way you don't gotta keep bein' all diffident. You're not good at it.  Softness could be choice, but flighty was no fun. 

He let her feel his energy twining up and down restlessly. She'd been using hers to hide his while masking her own. It was like she had covered his mouth and he had licked her hand in retaliation. 

_Ugh!_

He settled back down, fitfully.

I wanna talk to him too, it's no fair keeping me all locked up just 'cause you're wimping out of a conversation, he sulked.

She wrinkled her nose and wiped her arms with her palms like that would clean him off of her.

Turn in your bodyguard card, we don't employ whusses in this establishment. That includes the license to kill. Can't kill if you can't fess up to awkward conversations. These are the laws I am setting in motion right now. 

_Good for me you are not currently the emperor then, isn't it?_

Totally got a first draft- HEY. I'M BENCHED ONLY. JUST IN THE PENALTY BOX FOR GOING OUT OF BOUNDS!  His fit pitching was in full gear for the morning already.

_More like forcefully evicted from your post. Homeless bastards without their own bodies do not get to make decrees._

Keep with the sports metaphors, it's funnier. You'd say I got a yellow card then, or we going to wrap up this halftime show and get back in there? 

_???_

You call yourself a jock, shameful. Watch a sport sometime or are y'all too busy playing shogi up here to like rugby? 

She suddenly wanted to smoke despite only trying them once.

_YOU._ If she had something of his to grasp at that second she would have torn it to shreds. 

WHAT?! I DON'T SMOKE SINCE I TRADED DOWN. HE'D KILL ME. Man, you got an addictive personality, maybe I am more at home than I thought. It wasn’t totally Greed that the craving originated from.

_Sharing headspace with you is like living in a fun house constantly. I cannot tell if I want to throw up because of the alcohol_ \-  Fixed that!  \- _or because of the thought of putting up with you for even another hour is making me physically ill._

She realized she had picked up straws from the bar and had been distractedly chewing on them, if the half dozen on the table were any clue.

Probably is nerves from what I'm gettin from you ! 

She had one between her fingers and threw it down, half chewed.

Just do the bandage Lan Fan, this is sad. Chewing straws and hiding is sad. If you're still doing that later when I leave try gum, it helps to kick the habit  , he indicated the strewn straws.

She felt a conclusion reached, which she didn't like, but that wasn't going to stop Greed.

Howabout this - we act like normal, like… 'Me and Ling' normal. 

_Ling and I._

What I said. I can come out, do whatever, but we don't address it at all! Just wait and see how long Ling takes to ask you! Don't even have to bring anything up if that's what's got you in a twist. Ling and me always love doing open trade offs in public meetings since no one picks up on it. Can't wait to rub it in his face that he's just as oblivious. 

If he asked her later why she hid it she could say she really didn't! Greed thought it smart!

Lan Fan you call me pathetic but, I'm like- I mean I'm not directly implicating your patheticness but I think it's a good plan! 

She pursed her lips, pressed a shaking fist slowly on the table, and groaned so loud it was almost a scream. Annnd /there/ was the crumble. No wonder Ling liked picking at stuff until he got it.

_DO. WHAT YOU WANT._

She didn't have to tell him that twice.

\----------

Ling heard the door open, he propped himself up halfway with a flinch. Was it finally Greed?

He leaned back. Lan Fan again.

Yay! Lan Fan! He sat a little straighter.

"Lord- you dead now? Can I bury you in an unmarked or what? You want roses or lilies for the funeral?" she asked lightly.

"Mmmm lilies are nice. Are we leaving? Did Greed come back?" Had he been avoiding him? Did he do something wrong? He hoped getting blown up hadn’t been wrong. 

She looked ready to go, some newer packages in her arms of foodstuffs and probably more first aid. She pulled the bag at the foot of Ling’s bed close and started putting the things she carried with her into it. 

"Yes, we're going."

He beamed and tried to sit fully up so he could get off the bed. Going meant home and it meant Greed had to come with.

"I see you found the clothes in the bag," she commented dryly, referencing with her eyes that they were already rumpled. 

"It hurt VERY MUCH to put them on, thanks! Now I can pretend I'm /not/ a tortured prisoner! It's only obvious when I move, or breathe, or talk!" he said sweetly and touched his bandages that were visible on his neckline. She threw the cloak that Ling had seen Greed wearing at him.

"Quit whining."

He pouted dramatically.Their time apart had done a number on her, apparently. It was hard for him to merge the woman bowing deeply and the one looking down her nose at him, but people changed.

"How much walking are we doing anyways 'cause I can't do that real good right now." He looked up at her pleadingly, "Will you carry me? Greed carried me last night and I know you love showing him up."

She actually scowled! Pulling out the map she showed Ling their route home. Ling gaped again at the scale but she did mention that most of it was by train and hopefully they'd meet the others somewhere near the middle.

She rolled her eyes, seeming to think about something for a moment. "Back up on my back you dead weight, spider monkey up here."

"Yay! Half-dead weight," he corrected.

She looped the bag around her shoulder and checked around the room if she had forgotten anything. "Thought you said a third."

"Varies by the hour."

"Yeah, so does my sobriety."

Lan Fan! Jokes? Maybe Ling /had/ been brained almost to death and this was all a dream, but then his wound wouldn't be singing out in torture.

She took a knee, bag at her side bumping the floor heavily. "Get up here dingaling." She sounded almost like she had a sore throat, maybe she'd screamed herself out at Greed on the trip.

"Hehe, dingaling, you and Greed been enjoying my absence? I'm sure you picked that epithet up from him."

She walked him down the stairs and quietly took the back door out. She left the key in the lock and explained that she had already paid their tab last night. Better for people asking if the owner didn't know when and where they were leaving to. 

The weather would hold, it looked like. Ling would have hated being in the rain for this. He really didn't want Lan Fan to have to carry him, but it wasn't a new thing, not with his bodily conditions.

Out of the building and on the street she looked back at Ling with a toothy grin. "So yeah, it’s been /loads/ of fun with you gone. Al runs the country better than you half the time and worse than you the other half, so you know, balance," she raised an eyebrow over her shoulder.

Ling was on the lookout for Greed to start following him but it didn't look like he was. Was he shy?

"They struggled for a bit before I was able to tell 'em where we hid the papers- you know those ceiling ones," she said. 

Ling didn't know she knew about those. They kept to a pathway into the woods that ran parallel to the road in a loping jog that didn't jostle Ling too much. 

"I don't know why Greed feels he has to squirrel shit away, he's so paranoid."

"It’s helpful sometimes!"

Ling supposed it was helpful to be a bit more paranoid. Maybe if he'd been a little more like Greed- or Lan Fan for that matter, he wouldn't be in this mess.

"Actually, while I have your ear, since I'm next to it. We're jogging for a while- Greed isn't here... Can I dish to you? He sleeps but you can never be sure...Let me just start that I'm only saying this because I am in a lot of pain right now-"

She hummed a crude positive through her nose, telling him to go on.

"I hate him so fucking much but damn am I glad he's alive. Not having a voice in my head is usually a good thing but not this time. He's probably over in the trees or some shit lurking like an ass," he grimaced, feeling relieved again to be back in good company.

"Ain’t much of a deep dish there, what else’ve you got?" she said teasingly.

"Rough few weeks without him and not only because of the healing and the fact that if we hadn't split we would have /torn that place apart/…"

"I'm Sure he knows, what else?"

Ling looked up at her, tilting his head in thought. “As long as I'm sharing I got an older main one I always chew on. He lied to me, and punched me in the face, and died,” he tapped her shoulder for every bullet point, poking slightly harder on each one. 

“HEY. You cannot still be mad about that, you-!”

Ling had to deal with /fakeness/ for his whole life! The whole one! Yes, he was still mad! Lan Fan should be aware! He treasured genuineness, given how rare it’d been in his childhood to early adulthood! Greed had his Problems but at the very least he was about as deep in terms of fake as a puddle.

That lying to him /hurt/. For real! Ling was exploring that open sharing of important things with someone for one of the first times in his life and Greed had stabbed him worse than actually getting stabbed a minute before. Ling had never been -allowed- to get so genuinely absolutely PISSED at someone that he didn't intend to like, kill, probably EVER. He had never wanted to rain blood down on someone he was emotionally invested in but there were first times for everything.

“Am mad! Nobody lies to me!” He pipped, holier-than-thou demeanor belayed by the fact he was being piggybacked by a woman he had a foot and a bit on. 

“In fairness, bud, sometimes it's not lying it's just you not picking up on obvious shit,” she leveled with a dispassionate bent.

“When do I not pick up on obvious things?” he frowned, tilting his head.

The stare she gave him felt like he’d made some sort of grossly advanced error. 

_When he is begging for help later and it is because of you I will ignore it for a time. This I give to you because of sympathy._

Thanks, doll. Still wanna die.

_A mutual feeling that I do not have to worry is not my own._

Ling looked right at her for a second too long to be comfortable but shook his head to clear his mind.

"Another thing. Sometimes I think he likes interacting with you better than me. He always JUMPS at the chance. I mean, we're always together, so I get it-"

"HE BETTER NOT LIKE IT MORE."

That seemed harsh! Her arms around his legs clenched and he could practically feel the heat coming off her. "See, that is what I was thinking. I know you two have been coexisting together because of me but I am glad that I was gone, if only for a while, just so you would be able to see you can be friends without me- you know? I don't wanna force you guys to be together just to make me happy!" 

He saw her brow furrow down into a deep 'v' from the side. "It was not to make you happy, it was to make sure you were not Dead -stop chuckling!"

"I wasn’t?"

-

They had made it a ways away from the town. Lan Fan stuck to the road again to make it easier, as it was beaten flat.

Ling had more questions, "What took Greed so long? I am glad that you were able to find me, but like I said until yesterday I didn't even feel him, and you all were way out of range. You said something about getting him up and running?"

"How should I know what took m...him so long?" 

"Figured he'd tell you Lan Fan, he's a talker. I mean if Ed was going to let him. Not like he'd let Ed get a word in edgewise. No wonder you made them follow us at a distance," he laughed. He reached into the bag to hand her the water and take some for himself. It was getting hotter as time ticked on to midday. He kept his head on a swivel, trying to catch sight of a blond head, or, he supposed, a grey one.

"Did Ed ask you not to tell me? I guessed it on my own so the beans have been spilt. It wasn't hard."

He felt her back rise and fall in a deep exhale.

"Not too many people that height that can throw a good punch and like jumping around explosions!" he snickered. Ed had put on a few inches but he couldn't resist the joke. "Just you and him really. Even Al is more sneaky. Though I would never forgive you, seeing a tiny Greed Mei would have been the /best/. He would NEVER live that down!"

The road forked at an incline, she took a left. 

"Was Greed trying out everyone before coming to get me? Is that why it took so long?" Lan Fan had been letting him prattle for a while and Ling had not wanted to annoy her to silence but he'd so missed having someone else to talk to his social boundaries were shit.

"He was a stone in the rubble for a while, annoyingly," she answered. So Greed had been incapacitated as well? Ling thought it rude that he'd just assumed that Greed took his sweet time. That wasn't fair of him. Again.

"Hmmm s’at so? I was coma'd and he was rocked. Makes sense. You find him Lan Fan? You or Mei? What even happened, was it a solid stone? Didja find a little puddle of Greed juice?"

She looked back at him, angrily, "It was a very handsome stone thank you, like a deep and very attractive ruby!" she spat kind of vehemently. She wasn't one to care about the way a stone could glitter.

"Oh! He looked like jam when Father tossed him in me-" he snickered. 

"You didn’t even /see/ it - ugh!"

"I know I didn’t see it, I asked Ed after. Just curious, Lan Fan. Bored mostly. You have no idea how much you can talk when you're constantly cohabitating." 

-

She had begun to pass through another town, or more accurately around it, she didn't need anyone seeing anything. She cut through a farm, through a rice patch, threading the pathways and smelling the sedentary water. Ling could see crabs and fish in the mud between the stalks. It was already getting halfway to harvest season. Greed had been talking about a much needed bumper crop and how they could work well with the excess.

-

Lan Fan liked the view of the cups of waterlogged land with thin strips of paths stretching outward. Ling could tell because she wasn't as tense.

"So what, did one of you have to eat it, or something?"

And she was coiled tightly again.

"NO."

"Oh thank the heavens, that'd be weird. Did Ed think Greed would grow his leg back? He can't do a new limb. He told me I better protect mine," Ling said. By his tone he was both embarrassed that he hadn't done a good job protecting himself and thankful that everything had stayed attached.

"Bummer, that. Could’ve tried using him to give you a new arm Lan Fan!" He knew she liked hers but a freebie was a freebie. 

"Too bad you’d kill him if he ever even suggested it! He could at least have made it all serviced for you. Fixed stuff up. Not that you'd even... wow... that would be so nuts! You know it didn't even occur to me but isn't that a wild thought?" He wanted to laugh harder but settled on a hissing light version that didn't hurt his wounds too much to pull off.

The rice had turned into more forest again and the road had narrowed into something only big enough for two wagons to pass each other if they were small.

Lan Fan had been really quiet except for her even breathing and a small grunt when she pushed his weight further up her back.

"Sorry for laughing but...Greefan would just- I think I'd die on the spot. He'd insist on top billing. Plus it sounds like griffin which is a kind of chimera I think so that's fun."

She was almost icy cold. He'd overstepped. Stupid! He was trying to be better with supporting others and here he was insinuating she'd take GREED. What an ass he was.

-

"Speaking of, I was kinda thinking it’d be one of the chimeras you’d send after me…" he volunteered after another long gap in talking, or the absolute monologue he'd been having. He knew she was listening so...

"Was Heinkel too skeeved out? He doesn't like the hocus pocus… don't think Darius either... Did Ed and Al play janken or something? Did you all draw straws? I bet Ed volunteered, he loves weird science shit. And then when you got him to stop screaming after he realized what he did you came and got me? Probably spent the whole trip up here asking Greed dumb questions he doesn’t know the answers to. And that's WHY he's still /FOLLOWING US/," he yelled behind them. The trees had gotten densely packed and shaded them in a darkness that did not paint that the sun was still pretty high.

"Trying to get the rest of those questions in before they get split up again-"

"Uh Ling, is someone following us?" Lan Fan finally spoke up in a light but cautious question.

"Yeah?'" he ventured, matching her cautious tone in confusion, "-in the trees, told you, it's Gre-ed.. Gred... Greed Ed… Someone's masking chi."

Without warning she took off like a shot, hopping over branches and dodging root clusters. She clutched him tight and leaned forward. He put his head basically on her shoulder in order to not get decapitated by an errant branch.

"OW RUNNING HURTS! LAN FAN, OW"

"SHUT YOUR FOOD HOLE BRAT AND LET ME LISTEN!" she spat. She didn't stop running flat out but her head and eyes craned to take in the most real estate they could.

“I'm injured in so many ways…" he whispered sadly.

"Shut it! How many can you sense?" she asked, distracted. Was her pulse on the fritz? No, he couldn't feel a thing from her even this close. Ling could see a clearing up ahead.

"Mm? oh- two? You know, Greed and Ed I guess. Even though I can’t really tell which direction Greed is. I’m sorta- he feels all over the place when I get carried?"

The clearing was rocky with a lot of huge boulders that were smoothed down by time and the elements. She had ducked behind one and carefully put him down. He had his back to the middle of the large rock but she was looking up over the top from the way they came. She thrust her automail at him.

"Hand me Mei's kunai."

"Are we hiding from those two? You guys make a bet or something? This one- it’s the sharp one."

He gave it to her and she took it in her flesh arm. She always said that one was more accurate.

"Ed’s shield reaction time is probably bad so... probably don’t go for the face unless you really want him dead?" he suggested. She hadn't cared it was sharp so he tried the next best cautionary idea he could bring up.

"SHUT IT." She clapped her other hand over his mouth to do the honors for him and threw the weapon into the trees after a few seconds more of waiting. Ling heard a cut off choked noise and a discordant crash of someone falling from a height.

"Never /misses/!" she hissed almost sibilantly.

"That did not sound like Edward," he stated dubiously over her hand. What was going on?

"Good, we’re not checking. Where’s the second one?" she asked while still staring into the trees like they might uproot and attack them all on their own.

Ling finally got it, "Enemies! Where the hell is Greed when you need him! Off gallivanting?" Ling thought with Greed following he needn't have worried about attending company.

"I'm half gone on meds and the pain the meds aren't helping with, you lose your touch sussing these guys out?" he questioned, he didn't want to be rude but she was usually better at him with this. Why did she need him?

"Be quiet, it is hard to sense with so much in my head!" she looked to the left with frustration. Her head rolled right, "If you weren’t distancing yourself as much as possible from the forefront-" it snapped back to the original direction, "NOT THE TIME!"

She wasn't making a lot of sense but as he thought about it not much these days was.

Ling noticed a grenade on the ground next to them. Could it have fallen out of the bag? And shouldn’t it have a pin—

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ha ha! Out with a bang!


	10. Connected Dots

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'd say I'm sorry for leaving such a cliffhanger but I'm really not! This chapter is one of my favorites!

Ling fell away and Lan Fan lunged /Forward/. She covered the explosive and rolled away— It detonated with a BANG and a rain of shrapnel flung in muted directions, blocked by her body.

"LAN FAN," Ling yelled, dragging himself forward on hands and knees, "ARE YOU OKAY?" Ling saw her rise to her own knees. "Y-you are ok..?" 

Her chest plate was cracked open like a chestnut but she looked… fine. Her clothes had a few strips cut out of them from left over debris, mostly on her limbs where her gauntlets didn't cover but other than that she looked unharmed. She dropped her ruined armor to the ground, turning around like a sighthound to scan the woods.

"Found the last one. Be right back. Stay." Lan Fan pointed at him with wild eyes and tore into the deeper trees with her arm blade deployed. 

Ling sat down, hard.

-

Greed had observed the shrapnel grenade the same time she had, but what he had not expected was that she would jump /towards/ it. Lan Fan had not been thinking of a shield, she'd only seen the problem; that it was too close to Ling, that he couldn't protect himself, and thought herself the solution. It was a total knee jerk response.

He was a little dumbfounded. He had helped her handle it but she just kind of 'did' and hoped the consequences would not be too bad later. Now who did that remind him of?

Thank Fuck his reaction time wasn't much behind hers and thank Fuck he'd been close enough to her thoughts to get what she was doing a second before her hindbrain was going to make her do it. It wasn't like his reaction time was ever /bad/, he did manage to catch that arrow for Ling when he was coming back a while ago and he was barely conscious for that one.

But he didn't think that he could have pulled off such a quick turnover with anyone -but- Ling up to and including yesterday.

Greed had barely registered the black lump in the corner of their eye as something that could hurt them but her training showed through and told him what it was. Had she been training with live grenades?

Hooking into a raw impulse was still difficult. He'd begun to do it with Ling back in Central but it hadn't been intended, just a side effect of spinning so close. They'd been training with it more recently, it helped for fighting, though him and Ling were in tune enough without it.

It was hard to get in the Zone with it but easier under fire. Lan Fan proved that today.

Greed had been watching how she chose to do things this whole time since she'd been doing all the fighting. If they had to work together it helped to know the dance steps ahead of time. Her and Ling fought -similar- but not the same.

The main thing was that Ling, despite what Greed said all the time to the contrary, was constantly thinking when fighting. He weighed options, he calculated angles, he took the lay of the land, the time of day, the weather, what weapon he had, into account. He was like Greed himself with an abacus. He pared down the important bits to bring up in the heat of the moment but it was a constant hum of information in the background. 

Lan Fan's mind was blank with more or less cold instinct taking over. He'd never felt the like. His end, meanwhile, was just "FUCK" in all capital letters and then handling it.

Greed had banked just enough time to roll out the light gear version of his shield he and Ling had been working on. To avoid major injury he'd needed her entire torso shielded before that thing detonated. They were both lucky it was a shrapnel grenade, easier to deal with than a concussion blast. Greed didn’t know what that was but she sure did. He drew gently on Lan Fan's experience and she let him have it as she boiled through the underbrush at someone fleeing ahead of her.

It was meant to incapacitate a group and cause damage with little bits of metal. The explosion itself was small and intended more to propel the bounty at people with high speeds. No match for a carbon covering, lucky lucky. Were they still trying to take Ling alive? Maybe.

Him and Ling had been working on other kinds of shields in an effort to minimize how much it hurt the next day and how much he had to heal. This one was a version that covered their head and torso, the easy to stab bits like under the ribs and through the clavicle, down into the heart. It avoided joints and had much less surface area. It was better to heal by a mile, though it wouldn't stop all comers like a full one. Lan Fan already had heavy armor and clothes that were cut resistant to stop or slow a blade. It wasn't like Ling who liked walking around like he was out for a day at the pool.

\----------

They left Ling by the boulder but he got shakily up to move closer to a copse of trees for some cover. 

He thought. He was thinking very hard. That was wild, what Lan Fan did.

"I should...buy some of that armor… She really spares no expense. Now I know what she spends her pay on." He realized he left the bag and wobbled up Again to go get it. He normally hated to restrict his movement with anything but results won out.

"Good stuff. Maybe it’s made of that carbon stuff like Greed's shield? I should ask Ed when he gets here."

\----------

Oi, my beloved ride, you could have prevented this by just telling Ling and keeping this close in the first place, Greed chided. Lan Fan had been pulling from him again out of most likely left-over embarrassment. 

_YOU ARE REALLY JUST USELESS AREN'T YOU?_

JUST TOOK A BOMB FOR YOU SWEETKINS. WOULD LIKE SOME COMMUNICATION AND FOR SOMEONE TO CARE A LITTLE MORE ABOUT WHERE HER BODYPARTS END UP. ALL I'M ASKIN'. 

A branch cracked in front of them from the haste of their dumbass assailant— prey really.

THERE HE IS, SICC HIM. 

The other man was running flat out but he wasn't ready for her to jackknife out of the tree she'd jumped to in her chase and kick him in the spine. He fell to the ground. She would make sure he stayed there.

What’s the weekly routine on deep cleaning that arm or does the blood keep it polished for you? Oh yeah, don’t forget Mei's kunai. 

  
-

Ling heard a distant scream and the stir of local wildlife abandoning their hiding spots.

"Got him! You had a pretty good head start but no cigar on that one!" he said to the men he was sure wouldn't be hearing anything again.

Still, Lan Fan though, maybe Greed made her some armor?

'Maybe he figured out how to change other stuff besides me into pencils?' he thought, 'That’s nice of him and also something he could conceivably do, right?'

His mouth twitched in puzzlement.

If you just ran the stone on things could it turn them to carbon? Would Ed know?

"I room with the guy and don't know how he works," he mumbled around the piece of jerky he had retrieved from the bag. 

He would wait here for Lan Fan to come back, and he would insist on not leaving until Greed showed up too. He was sure there was a reasonable explanation.

  
-

Greed and Lan Fan were almost back to the clearing after playing clean up, they just had to make it to where they had come in from. 

I would like a promise you're not going to do something like this again, Greed snipped.

_You do not tell-_

I am not /telling/ you to do anything! You scared the shit outta me! You want -us- to be careful and in exchange I want You to be careful. No arguing! When I'm back in that waste you're obligated to protect I am saying I got it. Just lend me a hand, okay? I can heal him, and for now I can heal you, but try to not make me have to. 

She picked back to where she'd downed the other man.

This was like when he was telling strangers to leave so they didn't get hurt. Lan Fan was aware Greed wasn't thinking about his status as dead too if she died when he yelled at her. 

_Sometimes one does not have time to tell what they intend to do._

For now we do. That was true, she could sense him hovering close and had felt the spark of impulse- connection, when they had acted in concert.

_For now._

She would try a little better, self sacrifice was…

So last year. 

She breathed, how did… and they- just /do/ this?

I think you're getting something a little wrong, while I am in your blood and brain, your mind and heart- just shush, it's a concept. Rubbing elbows with your soul. It was not me who wanted any of it initially. From before.

Like this, she knew that what he was saying wasn't technically true but it also wasn't a lie. 

He. Did it to me. I got my doors busted down and he found my morality and put it in a headlock. Why do you think I ended up agreeing again and again to the shit he had planned? With Ling the things he wants are an inevitability. I was respectful outta courtesy but we should keep this tango we unintentionally started going until I can get back to that two-step. 

She felt him, and she felt the comparison he was making where you can pick up an egg yolk out of a bowl with your hand without breaking it. Greed and Ling both valued their individuality, but— he interrupted the thought and showed her a flash of her and Alphonse sitting in the same room and reading. Both in the same space but separate, able to get each other's attention but not required. 'Doing their own thing'.

Was it supposed to be like that?

YES. 

Why didn't he just say?

I FUCKING- 

SHE WAS GETTING A RISE OUTTA HIM THE LITTLE-

She was trying to get a rise out of him? 

He grumbled but Lan Fan could see that his anger was as cheap as the candy she used to buy from the corner store. 

She moved closer of her own volition, clumsily. She could tell it wasn't perfect, the place was-

Reserved, sadly. Get your own brother from another… shit that don't work. Twin but slightly to the left… nah. Alter ego? Wouldn't I be that? Fidus Achates- what am I, married to books? 

_You said you may be blood so blood brother?_

Suppose that would be apt but I think I could do better. 

Greed thought about it and noticed she'd never acknowledged that status before.

She gave him 'something something, if Ling wants it it's an inevitability, something'.

  
  


They found the man they'd got first and they found where Mei's lucky kunai went.

Don't tell Mei where we retrieved this from, she won't like it and if she does I don't wanna see her liking it. 

"She works with knives and throwing them for a living and you think she would care?" Lan Fan said aloud, agitated at the why of it all.

-I DON'T WANNA KNOW. CHILDLIKE INNOCENCE IS PRECIOUS AND FLEETING. 

"Is that why you act like a child?" One of her cheeks dimpled but Greed wouldn't call it a smirk.

I'd say Ling never hurts me like this but he does all the time. At least /I’m/ not afraid to talk straight with teenagers. 

Dregs of their original mess cleaned up, they had gone full circle to come back to Ling. They saw him a little ways away eating something under a tree rather than by the boulder and grenade crater they had left him at. 

"Speaking of- Hey Ling, you alright?" Greed asked while waving a return greeting. Lan Fan was busy scanning for anyone else at the absolute tips of her range. She wasn't going to have the drop gotten on her again. She dropped on /others/.

"Could be better," Ling held himself delicately and pulled out the first aid kit. He needed a bandage changing again. It was as good a time as any. Greed nodded at Ling holding up the gauze in a question, telling him that he would do it with a hum of affirmation. He busied himself with taking out what he needed.

"Nice armor Lan Fan, did Greed make it for you? Can I get a set?"

Greed smiled beatifically just for her.

_Do not get smug about providing your only functional role._

I am also a fantastic entertainer. 

_Does lying to yourself count for your thing that you do?_

"No, this stuff is store bought, kid, and I'm working on getting you a set if we can get home," he said. He had watched Lan Fan do it last time so he got the bandages off like how she had and checked how shit Ling still looked. It was a bit less shit. 

"Just because you're carrying me like I'm all tuckered out from my fifth birthday bash doesn't mean I'm a kid. I'm older than you?"

Greed held out a hand for some jerky and Ling gave him a piece. He twitched his fingers in 'more' and Ling reluctantly parted with another. “Work on not getting kidnapped and I’ll consider upgrading you down the line." 

"Suppose kid is right in the title on that one. Usually Greed only argues semantics like that. He's really rubbing off on you. Did you just dish over breakfast and become besties in the last day or what?" Ling asked. Greed knew better and knew he was a little jealous! 

"We did enjoy quite a bit of eggs together the other day," Greed laughed, "Still say I coulda made hollandaise." That part was more for Lan Fan, who supplied him with a vague 'maybe next time' type of response.

"Bet Ed loved that, did you get him to drink milk?" Ling asked, using the cloak to cover the bits Lan Fan wasn't working on to guard against the chill.

"I’ll trick him into it one of these days."

"Lan Fan, the day you make hollandaise or trick Ed into milk consumption is the day the gods roll over," Ling said in good humor. She was swabbing the edges of his wound with alcohol which felt, in a word, 'aaaaa' but he needed to keep it as clean as he could.

While Greed was busy fixing his original timeshare Lan Fan drifted a little. She wondered if she could keep Ling from getting into trouble by putting him in some kind of stocks.

Lan Fan I don't like that you're entertaining the idea of hobbling us. We'd still get out of the palace. Actually next time Ling wants 'ta go I'll say 'no feet' as a challenge and see if he can pull it off with just his hands, Greed explained lightly. Ling was yammering but neither of them were listening all that much.

She was aware they weren't going to stop leaving all together but that had been the purpose of her daydream. She was a little tired after getting a little exploded. 

_Do it when I am on vacation, I do not want to be in the same country as you once this is over for a little bit._

Awwwwww, Greed simpered. He'd thought she'd come round to him! He was behind Ling winding the bandage around his arm so he used her face to pout.

_Do not start!_

But we're so /attached./ 

_STOP._

He fluttered her eyelashes and touched her forehead dramatically with the back of her hand.  Joined at the hip as it were, two hearts beating as one, aint I sappy? 

_Gross_. She experimented with giving him disgust.

Fine, it's gross. I know you read those romance books, you're used to high quality sap. 

Enough tension had left her that he decided to broach his own touchy subject, even though he wasn't the one touchy about it.

You know you wanted me around, it wouldn't have worked if you didn't, and no it has to be for YOU. He stopped her implying it was to save her land or her emperor. It could be for those things /as well/ but it needed the core of self around it.  I work selfish first and selfless second, ask Ling. 

Ling had laid down on the ground with his back propped up by the tree and was talking about cloud formations. 

It's vampire rules Lan Fan, real Stoker shit, gotta invite me. See, I'm well read too. Teeth were sharp enough for a stint as one.

 _Thought you couldn't read._ She was sour but Greed did pick up that she didn't refuse it

I picked it up! Amnesiac time don't count. I picked up a whole esoteric language with a different alphabet and language base in three months, too. 

Ling pointed at a cloud that looked like a cube and they told him it was very nice.

I also stole it from Ling, but just because you STEAL a tool doesn't mean you know how to use it! 

_I am sure you are a shining model of your species._

I'm the best of us for sure. No contest. 

_Your competitors are very limited in number by now, aren't they?_

Still the best even when there was almost a dozen of us. 

_How do you quantify?_

STILL KICKIN', BABE! 

Luck and the fact Ling didn't know when to quit should not count in her opinion.

You and my sister would have probably not killed each other... like right away. She also had a hankering for stab-based murder. You coulda talked shop. Wish I would have asked her how she got her hair so bouncy, she probably cut her head off every week or so just to have a new cut, the sly dog. I know I did. Oh don't give me that look it was Convenient. Intimidation and hair styling all in one! 

Ling had been rambling but it was more to have the joy of hearing himself talk and Lan Fan’s half muttered responses than having any real content behind his words. She looked like she was lost in thought. He didn't feel very good again and was glad they rested before they went to move on. 

After taking out an assassination attempt she deserved to have him try and walk. When they had sat for enough time she deemed necessary she'd knelt to carry him but after getting juggled around with her punishing run Ling figured he could try a half hour off. 

Rather than feeling the pain he was preoccupied, going a little nuts at trying to pin down where Greed's signature was coming from. Maybe he was hallucinating it? Lan Fan didn't seem bothered as to where the homunculus was. It was almost like... if he turned just /so/, he'd be right there.

Ling broke off mid-ramble. He had to check something, "Hey Greed?"

Lan Fan stopped in front of him, "Yes'm?"

"Ah dang, I'm still in the cave aren't I? The blood loss or the drugs finally caught up to me and now I'm imagining voices."

She kicked a rock and started to walk again. He followed after her.

"Hey, if you hear me talking to Greed just ignore it, I think I'm on a mind bender right now. Like you usually ignore when I talk to Greed so just keep doing that."

They got back on the road they had been following farther down. In the interest of making it easier for Ling they could stick to the road as long as it didn't have any foot traffic.

"May have made a facsimile Greed in the cave to keep me from going off the deep end, oh that sounds like I did— I'm on pain medication, that's fine right?" he chattered.

Lan Fan, have Got To ask, his childhood memories are tainted by unreliable narrator, he always been a few cards short of a full deck? 

_I have known him since I was very small. Yes._

Can I look?-  she paused and gave a small nod. He teased out a relevant memory she was already half thinking of,  OH, LITTLE YOUS. AWWW THE LITTLE PONYTAIL! 

"LING YOUR CHILDHOOD PONYTAIL WAS ADORABLE; IT ONLY HAD LIKE FIVE HAIRS IN IT!" Greed turned around and crowed at Ling. He was shuffling along but it was pretty obvious that being upright was a very temporary thing. Maybe listening to him when he insisted on walking for any length of time was a bad idea. 

His head lolled forward, "Haha yeah, I was cute."

Lan Fan and Greed could see he was totally out of it. Greed thought it pretty funny but she wasn't enjoying it as much. Greed was the one who walked over to him and offered an arm to get him off the road with a derisive snort. They’d made it another hour of travel all told but this was slow going.

"C'mon, time to sit again you overgrown figurehead."

"Greed, I can't hear so good, why you sound tinny?"

"You tell me probable head trauma, definite hemorrhage boy"

He looked right at him, fuzzy.

"I don't think I've forgotten how your voice sounds...but maybe I did...That's a sad thought though so I'm gonna ignore it."

They really just let this one run a country.

"No more walking. We need to rest again and if we get up again I am going to carry you, my lord."

"Oh hey Lan Fan, when did you get here?" he asked cheerily. She hadn't let go of his arm and was still guiding him to some place with a good vantage point so they could keep an eye out. For good and for bad.

They would have to rely on hers because Ling's eyes were totally unfocused.

  
  


If we can get him home and he doesn't ask, I'm going to punch him. 

At this point Greed was treating it as the weirdest game of chicken he'd ever played. He'd wanted to see how long this would play out if left alone. Turns out- LONG. Boring!

_I will let you._

It looked like someone was getting frustrated by her own rules.

Benefit of the doubt on him for once, maybe they broke his mind! Who knows. Though in my experience being, you know, in there, it looks normal. 

They got him on the ground again. He looked less sweaty and pallid.

From an outside perspective this time but it sorta' shines through. 

"Look alive king stupid." Greed snapped his fingers in front of Ling's face and his eyes followed them better. His recovery time was still relatively fast, Greed recognized.

Do you think he has a fever or something or is he just out of it? Oh man, maybe /we/ broke his mind. Just can't face reality anymore and he's gone loopy because of it. 

_I do not want to think about an infection right now. I am hoping he is just relaxed because I am here and he feels like I will apparently handle it like his maid._

Not only a complaint from a saint but sobering thoughts! 

Now that's a sentiment I can identify down to my core with! Hoo yeah, infection would be bad. 

Ling was watching them, while they had got him to sit down they still stood, surveying the area for something climbable to get an even better look. They kept their conversation silent out of habit but Greed was still emoting physically. Greed checked the position of the sun and retrieved the map from a pocket, comparing their position against the last road sign he'd seen. That had been before the grenade so he had only a general idea where they were.

We're making....Time? Was gonna say good time but having to carry his ass and some of the detours- it's not really all that exceptional by our standards . 

Lan Fan felt him gear up for something.

Should probably just tell him to his face before he goes fully off the deep end, dontcha think? 

_......_

Can I do the honors PLEASE? I've wanted to for an age, but outta' respect I've been nice! It's been like ten hours at least since we found him I've done real admirable not doing it yet so far! I legit think he'll just do this in perpetuity, he told himself I was dead for a year. 

'Of course the only time he is withdrawn is before he begs me for something, it is the only thing he is renitant about', she thought, annoyed.

He's good at denial. Downright professional Greed denier right here. 

He was still in control but felt her carefully take an arm to raise it. _Can I sign up for that club?_

He grinned indulgently.  Aww. you're probably the club head at this point. Though you at least acknowledge I exist, you just deny me from doing fun stuff. 

She thought his idea of 'fun' very suspect but didn't turn it into another dispute. 

Also, you might need to say something to Ling as well though cause apparently I'm proof of his 'mental breakdown'. Once again, I remind you, you knew I was here before the one who is ATTACHED TO ME DID. So!

Greed said he was gonna do it for her but he didn't need Ling flipping his top.

 _You are proof of a mental breakdown_ , she said, though it didn't have the bite of a curse.

Greed had taken her up the side of a small cliff face to see if they could see anything of note, maybe the rest of their band, a landmark- something. Just trees and the road stretching below them- some more clearings. Nice to look at, which they did do, but not useful.

Only sometimes! Now, game plan, look him dead in the eyes and say; 'Ling I have done that thing I downright reviled you for years for and got myself possessed'. 

He got her up here but she took down. She still felt a little sore from the blast but the climb limbered her back up to something workable. She could tell Greed was going easier on the energy drip she still hadn't directly mentioned, in all likelihood saving it for her lord, but besides the small event of an attempt on their life she hadn't done anything too strenuous today. She hung off a part of the cliff using only her legs 'for fun'.

Least you know for sure Ling hasn't been making me up this entire time since the very beginning, don't think I didn't see that thought sneaking around from before. Understandable, I'm sure. 

_Hmmf, maybe I just caught a disease. A loud disease._

A self inflicted disease, huh? He'd grind that one in for a loooong time.

_I ate something rotten and got a parasite._

Ling was directly under her at the base of another tree. She hopped down the final ten feet to land next to him. He didn't flinch but she could see that it wasn't from not even realizing she was there but more that she appeared by him all the time. He had gained more strength.

Not wrong, but I take a little offense. 

_If I let you probably kill Ling by breaking his brain will you let me get home?_

"Lan Fan, you've been so quiet, you thinkin'?" Ling asked her, his voice sounded stronger.

We're already walkin' home, it's good for me either way. Though I feel like the brain breaking might come more from inaction than action, ya feel? 

She always needed a reason! 

He felt her come to terms with it but nobody could say he wasn't polite, he waited for an answer.

She sat back to watch. _Go hog wild you stupid soul ghost._

Her face was going to be sore if he kept grinning like that.

___  
  


"Ay, Ling."

"Ay Lan Fan?" he asked thoughtfully. She'd been looking at him strangely for the last hour. Actually, now that he thought about it, she'd been looking at him strangely the whole morning. 

"Nope."

What… did she mean by 'nope'?

She reached forward and pinched him on the back of the empty hand, "Can you feel that?"

He was feeling /everything/, he hadn't stopped feeling everything. In fact, he'd like to feel less things! Wait. Something about her was… different.

"Lan Fan, did you change your hair?" he asked. Now that he looked, her bun had a braid in it- it looked nice! 

Usually people liked a compliment but the look on her face was one of intense pity.

"She didn't, but I changed it for her! Oh stop, you like it, you could have taken it out anytime!" she waved an arm dismissively and scoffed.

"Lan Fan.....?" He knew in dreams you were not able to feel things. "Did...did I Die is that why I could feel the pinch?"

"Told you, nope and nope, at least while we're around you're not," she raised an eyebrow conspiratorially, like she was sharing in something.

"This is just my life flashing before my eyes but I got hit so hard parts of it are bleeding together-" He'd been almost dead enough times, it was different each time so theoretically it could happen!

She stood in front of him, hands behind her back almost playfully. "You're right- he really is a piece of work," she mimed like she was gossiping. She took a step forward, looking at him with a grin, "Ling, pal, don't ya recognize me?"

A lot of things were flashing through Ling's head but none of them were coherent or useful.

Her eyes were hooded and sharp but not as sharp as her expression."Thought I knew you better than that, shit prince."

Ling leaned against the tree extremely heavily, pushing himself up into an almost fully standing position backwards up the rough bark. He was trying to take what he thought to be calming breaths but it was just sort of dry fishlike gasping.

"GREED????"

  
  


Lan Fan- no, Greed, threw up his arms in celebration, "AYYYYYY THERE WE GOOOO, ONLY TOOK YOU A HALF A DAY!"

Ling slid down the trunk. "DID YOU -THE EXPLOSION- DID- DID YOU JUST STICK TO THE FIRST LIVING THING THAT WALKED IN??? HOW DID- WHAT—"

"HOW YOU BEEN!? I mean I know I've been here but STILL! HEY!" Greed grabbed Ling's forearms even while Ling was belting questions and trying not to have a panic attack. "Oh, right. You're maimed. Sorry," he looked down and clicked his tongue at what he was gonna have to clean up later.

He let Ling go, he'd probably be able to still sit up on his own, he was looking a lot livelier!

"Reintroductions are in ORDER! I'd curtsy but she'd kill me!!" Greed said, clapping his hands in glee.

Ling gasped. Lan Fan! He was using her body, that couldn't be, she wouldn't— "IS LAN FAN ALIVE?? WHAT HAPPENED???"

Greed shot him a look. "You've been talkin' to her on and off, stupid. She's fine?" He smiled nastily and Ling recognized the expression despite it usually being on his face. "She waaanted this!" 

Ling's brow furrowed, "..now I know you're not really Greed, he doesn't fucking lie."

Lan Fan’s automail arm moved swiftly and knocked Greed upside the head. She was acting real smart for someone who didn't want to do this.

"OW! Took Ling a fuckin' month to get that," Greed complained, rubbing the back of his skull.

_Rage makes a quick learner._

Ling crossed his arms, "I could have done it before, I was trying to act stupid so you'd trust meeeeeohmyheavenyou/are/Greed." Hands crept up to cover his mouth. "HOW DO I KNOW THIS ISN'T AN ELABORATE TRICK?" He pointed right in their face, which they both thought pretty rude.

Greed thought for a moment. "Easy. Does Lan Fan have red eyes, genius?" He pointed to them, even flipping up her bangs and drawing down a lid so Ling could get a better view.

Ling had been stunned into silence, which was a rare thing, so he continued, "My skin's still raw but I'll do the shield again if it'll make you happy. You never get to appreciate it in full first hand so it's a bit of a treat for you." He sounded like it wouldn't take much to 'force' him to do that. Grandstander.

Ling was breathing and staring but that was about it. Alright, he'd done all he could do. Her turn.

"Hey Lanny you wanna appease your lord's dying mind here? Don't be shy now!"

He tapped both her shoulders and gestured a 'go ahead, get out there.'

"Do not call me that, I will rip you out of me I did it to my arm I will do it to you- Hello young lord I hate it here," she said for herself wearily.

"YEAH I BET YOU DO?"

Lan Fan closed her eyes and frowned at the yelling.

Ling forced himself to calm down. "I! Would like..an explanation, I guess?! I'm just-? Why?? How??"

Greed visibly surfaced, he nudged Lan Fan’s masking pulse away so Ling could feel him, like moving a pot lid to let out a little steam. By the way Ling jumped and looked very hard it was the right thing to do and most likely the final nail he needed. "Lan Fan pulled a you and did a stupid, and I'm not one to complain that I can walk around so I been helping her out." He twirled an eartail of hers and she smacked at his hand.

"As for explaining, she didn't sleep for a week beforehand and- SHUT-" 

Oh, she thought she could stop him, nuh uh, Ling needed to know-

"-found me in the rubble day ten and kept me in a JAM. JAR. I'M SAYING IT. I'M BETTER AT STAYING IN CONTROL THAN YOU. SHE PUT ME IN A JAR CAUSE SHE THOUGHT SHE WAS GOING NUTS! AHHAA I GOT IT ALL."

He let her go and she looked down at herself, screaming, "AND YOU WILL GO BACK IN THE JAR WHEN THIS IS OVER IF I HAVE MY WAY WITH IT YOU ASS!-"

"You put him in a /JAR/?" Ling asked incredulously. He looked around wildly and then came to a worse conclusion, "LAN FAN YOU PUT HIM IN /YOU/! WHY? WAS IT ON PURPOSE?"

"Surprise!" Greed said, back up front despite Lan Fan's recent rage, wiggling his fingers. "She was slap happy and desperate." Greed studied Ling in a way that was almost but not quite mocking. "Reminds me of someone." 

He started a count on his fingers, "By then you'd been gone for thirteen? Fourteen days- and I think she figured you were nearabout dead." He got her reasoning and was glad she did it, Ling was indeed nearabout dead.

She was glad as well, it was a pretty horrible price but they had done what she had desperately been hoping to accomplish for those weeks. She wanted to speak, Greed moved away for her.

"...had to check and see if you were in it too," she mumbled. She looked right then left in surprise, not realizing Greed had moved.

"LAN FAN THAT COULD HAVE KILLED YOU!" Ling accused.

Her expression pinched intensely and she balled her fists, "So it is okay when /you/ do it LING YAO?"

Oh ho ho, his boy had fucked that up. Greed chose to not encroach on that minefield.

"You HYPOCRITICAL-"

Right? Right? 

"WHEN YOU DO IT BASICALLY TWICE LING YAO IT IS OKAY?"

Greed realized he needed to clear something up, "Hey-- I would have tried my very best to not kill anybody, especially Lan Fan, give me /some/ credit!" In the interest of full transparency- "not like I knew who put me where, my bet was Al."

"I mean it's not Great when I do it but it's also just my life on the line!!" Ling argued.

Lan Fan fell forward a few inches at Greed whisking away again so she could audibly voice her next thought, "HOW IS IT DIFFERENT WHEN I DO IT, THEN?"

"Screamed a whole bunch when I saw it wasn't Al," Greed tossed in, chipper despite the rising color in Lan Fan’s face. 

Ling gestured his surrender hurriedly. He supposed it wasn't all that different and he guessed it was actually much less dangerous this time around. Greed better have pulled out all the stops.

"It's been nice Ling, we bonded just like you wanted" Greed said a touch sardonically, as if he'd picked up on Ling's last thought.

"This isn't exactly what I had in mind when I said that."

"I take things literal!"

Ling believed them and he could understand why Lan Fan did it because it wasn't like he himself hadn't done the same damn thing. Greed was the reason Lan Fan knew where to come get him at all. 

He looked at Greed smugly kneeling in front of him and saw he looked relatively at home. Ling could see- or rather /not/ see, the telltale signs of her fighting against him tooth and nail. There were no veins, no tremors, no great pause in movement. It didn’t even look like the headache Greed would get if Ling really dug his feet in was present. There was a hesitancy but he wasn't sure which party it was coming from. It had the look of not quite being there for the baton pass but they'd been together a /day/. He resolved to still check further in on Lan Fan, no matter the how and the why she still must have had it rough.

"Lan Fan are you okay? He's not messing with your whole...situation- in there is he? He's a fucking snoop."

She looked up at him with enough put uponedness to break her previous records. "He is the Worst, my lord. I do not know why you put up with him."

"SHOCKED, LING YAO. LAN FAN, SHOCKED, I AM SHOCKED."

"But also not denying it 'cause if you did you know you'd be lyinggg!" Ling teased. 

"Ling look, this face is real good at frowns, look," Greed said while hitting Ling with a solid eight out of ten. "See, even Lan Fan's taking a turn!" The quality of his frown changed.

"It was directed at You," she said to Greed angrily.

"Normal!" his frown dissipated.

"Go." She brushed her hand at Greed, which he normally wouldn't listen to, but it was Lan Fan. "Putting this farce aside my lord, once we rendezvous with the others we will have Mei sort 'this'," she indicated herself and Greed snorted, "-out. I was hoping we would have run into them by now but it seems they are farther out than I would have hoped."

Was she not going to tell him until after? Had she planned to not tell him at /all/? Ling wanted answers but he remembered the note he'd sent her written in his own blood that stated 'I have obtained a philosopher's stone' and nothing else. He also remembered that she and Greed had traveled cross country in mere hours with a desperate plan, tracking a glorified hunch, rescuing him from a den of people who were going to end up killing him sooner or later, as well as literally carrying him on their collective shoulder home. Not to mention keeping him alive throughout the duration, they were still even being actively pursued. Greed probably thought he was going to laugh and he had no -idea- what Lan Fan thought his perception would be, but it had been enough for her to want to hide it?

He studied the relatively unbothered way Greed was acting, as well as Lan Fan… she didn't do comfortable- but, she wasn't upset.

Greed had obviously been behaving- as much as he was able to.

"Now that you look like you don't wanna puke do you wanna eat something again real quick?" Greed asked. They'd had snacks an hour before but that was snacks. 

Ling wanted home but he found he would like to sit more. All this excitement was playing hell on him. Greed had taken his non answer as 'I'm gonna do it anyway'. That plan of attack wasn't a new thing. "Aw look there's even a stress ball in the care package, probably good we didn't find that on the way up or it would've melted." Greed plucked it out and gave it a few squeezes. "I'm gonna put it back but maybe you can?- It was just a suggestion don't bite my hand over it! Just try it!" The ball fell from his hand. He retrieved it and tried to get Lan Fan to use it a few times before she stuffed it deep into the bag with a "Stop it!" 

Ling was sort of glad he'd been getting closer to dead in a mountain than having to be around for that. 

"Ling, here's some of the cookies EXCEPT THIS ONE," Greed handed him the package he'd also found in the bag, pushing it at him with entreating flicks. He kept one for himself. 

"Eat. I don't want my base of operations more scuffed up than it is, and we'll all have a nice friendly picnic!"

He was really enthusiastic. Ling supposed the opportunity to have a picnic was rare in and of itself, especially so with these conditions.

"Lan Fan are you really just letting him have the run of the place?" It wasn't like he had room to talk but he didn't think it'd be like her to let Greed have any mobility that wasn't direly important. 

She peered back at him tiredly, "I have given up."

Her eyes lit up and narrowed. Wow, that was weird to watch, "The exhaustion works in my favor!" Greed said, like he was very fortunate, "I've been using all the things you been teachin' me, like 'wear down the other person you share a brain with by being a blight on their very soul'!"

Contrary to his words he brushed a bit of road dust off of her and fixed a flyaway gently.

"Pretty sure the only reason she was still able to stand earlier was 'cause you were about to die. Now that the threat is no longer immediate it's been a lot nicer for me in here!" He tapped their sternum.

"...are you pinning your treatment of Lan Fan on me?"

"Sure am! You're a good teacher, own up to it"

Greed brought the cookie he held to her mouth but her head weaved away from it.

"Lan Fan eat the cookie you're hungry, whoop- don't bite the fingers those're yours too, you'll feel it more than I will." He snatched the digits away just in time.

Ling smiled a little, Greed looked healthy at least. It was possible Lan Fan taking the stone could have hurt him too. It was less likely, being a homunculus this was kind of Greed's 'thing' but even as a homunculus he was always a stand out. 

Greed mirrored his earlier expression.

"Got any burning questions emperor-displaced from-throne-and-also-other-half?"

"So this has been a thing for what, a day?"

Greed poured him water into the cap of the canteen, drawing off the main source himself. He wiped his mouth. "Yeah basically, we're doing pretty good! Oh yes we areeee we worked good together!"

Lan Fan evidently had words. Ling was confronted again with the fact Greed was with him and yet separate. (And HERE! He was here!)

"She threatened to end us both if it went over twenty four hours but I feel like we've moved past that necessity."

Yeah that was absolutely her. He and Greed had gotten to 'weirdly okay' with some of their situation in less than a day (though working together took longer). Lan Fan was better than him. She'd get used to it faster, of course. 

Greed jeered, "Ya'll are big softies, you say 'oh I don't want you around, give me my body back!' then you're like; 'oh, Greed, please help me with this mundane task! Here's my body, help me clean up my messes!!' You all are so damn lucky I'm such a good homunculus. When I get back-"

"Who says I even want you back?" Ling interrupted dispassionately, "Maybe we'll have Mei put you back in the jam jar? Just take you out in emergencies when we have messes that need cleaning, like you said. Then everything is fixed and you don't get shit until Ed chucks you in a lake, he did threaten that!"

Greed blinked at him, wind falling out of his sales. "You've... you've been saying you did!-"

"I was loopy on pain meds. I got cookies now. Blood sugar is back, good decision brain is operational." Ling looked at him coldly. That was something Greed hadn't seen in a while, and never in the flesh… that he wasn't also in.

"Good decision brain is saying evil personality stone is a bad idea, what's your rebuttal?" Ling shot, gesturing with a derisive flick of his fingers.

Greed scrambled for something, "I… uh- Lan Fan! Yeah, Lan Fan! Tell him! I'm good for him! You wanted to put me back and-" he looked like he was taking an aside with no one else there.

She snubbed her nose up, "No, I agree with my lord. I think it is a bad idea."

"This aint funny!" Greed wrung his hands, Lan Fan was a stone wall in his mind. 

"Isn't supposed to be. We really are on the fence with keeping you around." Ling was all the aloof royalty he aspired to play at. "You could not even protect me from an as yet unheard of alkahestric explosion."

"No one could've!! Not my fault your country uses weird fucking magic!"

"Hmmm, not convincing," Ling tutted.

"Could put him in the jar for a few weeks, lord, use the time to make a rational decision?" Lan Fan suggested conversationally.

"Keep a hold on him until we get home and then we’ll get Mei to do it. I trust you can do it?"

"Yes." she said, all business. Greed felt her metaphorically wrap around him, stronger than he thought she could do.

"Maybe we'll put you in a little mole rat so you can tunnel out and get help sooner if there's another explosion." Ling said mockingly.

Fat tears abruptly fell from Lan Fan's eyes.

"My lord, he is crying."

"I can see that, Lan Fan."

"It is a ploy for attention, you can ignore it. He is making me cry, which is a pretty big stunt," she said calmly as the tears continued to fall.

"It is indeed." Ling scratched an ear and snorted, "He has to learn to recognize sarcasm properly one of these days, though."

He moved closer to her, motioning for her to turn her head. She did so. He leaned down, cupping both hands over her left ear.

"Pardon me Lan Fan-" he took as deep of a breath as he could, "/HEY STUPID/ ARE YOU REALLY /HONESTLY/ THAT /DUMB/!!!!"

She bore it but the ringing that it caused wasn't enjoyable. 

"Sometimes you gotta yell," Ling said, shrugging. 

"Yes, but in My ear?" she asked, while rubbing it.

“Sorry, collateral damage.”

"Oh, he's stopped wailing," commented the adept right hand.

“Glad to hear it,” replied the emperor of Xing.

"WAS'SNOT," said the one who'd been wailing like a banshee until a moment before.

“You’re still sniffling, don’t know who you’re lying for.” Ling snickered.

Greed wiped her dripping face right on her sleeve which skeeved Lan Fan right out.

“Greed, I love you, but we really need to work on your 'BS' detection. I put my life LITERALLY in your hands every single day- get that shit out of here, are you serious?" Ling dismissively waved off the notion of anything different. "For what it's worth I apologize for taking the piss but Lan Fan deserved you getting your shit pushed in for a second. I can tell you didn't make things all easy for her, now or lately. I made my apologies to her for my errors, this was just an extra bit of good will."

_You stick your nose in them enough to know my thoughts on the matter, ignoramus._

“If you need to feel someone’s emotions to know how they really care about you- you are a bad judge of character Greed the Avaricious.” Ling finished, staring beyond Lan Fan right at her hanger on in tow.

Greed had gone way past 'huh' to being struck utterly dumb.

"He's crying again, it is pathetic," Lan Fan informed Ling. Ling didn't think it very nice of her to have a small smile about a crying adult man… homunculus, but she also deserved to enjoy her condition where she could.

“Cold as always Lan Fan, I missed you dearly too,” Ling said warmly. 

She'd gotten through a lot with him but an attack like that was really unfair. 

"I really, really, REALLY, hate saying this-" She held her arm in front of his face, "but Greed /and/ I want you to shut up now."

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hehehehehe, and finally this arc has hit the climax! Everyone's a big fucking softy!!!!


	11. Collaborative Effort

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You know how it is, I usually do these in the wee hours of the morning but in the interest of being unconscious at the time I did not! Now after the big reveal and lightly touching upon the fact that Ling is the smartest dumbest person- our group has time to actually Think for once. Most of the group hates doing that and would rather not!

Now that Lan Fan had relaxed enough to actually share the car seat rather than try and climb out the window Greed was coming to terms, much like she had earlier, of what exactly he was embroiled in. It was a tiny bit late, but he was the type to do and do and do and then freak out AFTER. It was now /officially/ after.

Ling was safe and Lan Fan was the most inactive Greed had known her in their short time in such proximity. They still had to get home but Greed had a feeling that things would be pretty okay from now on. She and Ling were busy catching up with a more unedited version of events from the time of Ling getting taken to Greed’s own investiture into said bodyguard so he didn’t have much to add. 

She had been /so/ pissed and he was still kinda offended over the self loathing coming off her in waves at the time. It was from dual perspectives of being with him (hey) and just kind of how she felt about herself a lot. (Hey). 

-

That first hour…

Greed had realized, after he’d gotten over the shock of being bonded to her that not only was Ling not here (fine, fine, totally cool, he could handle that- yup! Fuck, shit) that if he started to freak out there was nothing that was gonna stop Lan Fan from totally falling to pieces. (Violently, if he knew her.) He was gonna have to be ‘The Voice of Reason’. Not at all in a metaphorical sense in her case because she was going to have to get used to him not emitting from Ling but residing somewhere much more accessible. Which Greed also knew most people didn’t like… like? Ling was a freak. 

He’d telegraphed his movements and been gentle with her unlike his first meeting (and subsequent mostly forever) with Ling. He didn’t think that she could get scared, but being rude was no way to treat a lady. It was best if they got to working together as fast as possible. Ling he’d treat however he damn well pleased. 

Greed tested exactly where her mental fortitude lay and calibrated having enough control to do what he needed to do without swamping her. Or whatever he kinda wanted to do at the moment, he was still Greed after all. He also seated himself so he wasn't totally in the lead. It was a pretty delicate arrangement and much more careful and 'considerate' than nearly totally subsuming Ling and having the brat come at him with a hammer and chisel for weeks.

Greed had fought Lan Fan on a lot of stupid shit to show her how to fight back in a participatory way and to establish… what the fuck did Ling say… 'boundaries'. Ling didn’t have very many of those, so that was a new thing for Greed to worry about. He figured Lan Fan wouldn't cotton to him just outright telling her how to do this stuff so he gave some empirical instruction instead.

Most of all he was Not gonna allow himself to fucking panic. He was gonna try and talk it out, like Ling did all the time. Does. Fuck. 

'How would Ling handle her?' he'd thought on the train when she was clearing her mind and actively trying to act like he wasn't there. He had surely, absolutely, one hundred percent, survived without Ling up until a few years ago. He had been an ageless homunculus! Demi-god among humans! Sure, sure, sure, he was /super/ independent!

Then, then!— Lan Fan was all for telling him she maybe wanted to /die/ if something bad happened! But kind enough to not wanna take him with her!? Greed moved his timetable on how to help her out way up and basically staged an intervention the very next moment he could. He’d wanted to do it with Ling there to help speed things along and maybe protect him from the worst of her attention but her terrible approach to adversity needed to be addressed.

-

He did okay! Going from not being allowed to move or talk to being able to take the run of it unsupervised the same day was a big win. 

She’d let him lead on that ballroom dance after the pond and he was both totally relieved and even more terrified. He was a leader, yeah, but he liked to, uh— lead, from the back. Like it was best to have someone else say stuff and then he’d help out and patch in what he knew as it came up! (Ling would call it a supportive bent but that didn’t sound like leading to Greed so he didn’t bother with acknowledging it in any way.)

If anything happened to her… It was his ass on the line. In a figurative sense. When they got to Ling (they were gonna, nothing bad was gonna happen and it didn’t- he did it. /They/ did it.) Ling would take the time out of whatever state he was in to find a way to absolutely murder him. Greed was ‘gonna protect her’, he had said. It wasn’t the right thing to say at the time as evidenced by her fucking /biting/ him— but he’d meant it. (Not -only- because his ass would have been grass if he hadn’t!)

-

It had all worked out so far, unbelievably. She was almost, sort of, (in the same ballpark) like Ling was now. Now that they weren’t scuffling with eachother stuff was tons better. (Or really she wasn’t scuffling with him because it was totally one sided, in his opinion. He’d been very equitable. 'Sharing' and all that shit.)

Greed realized that was what Ling had been working towards with him back in the old days via months of ransacking everything he was, as well as obligate manipulation. He was suddenly very frustrated with how he himself had acted, but unapologetic as well. Past was the past. Greed had already noticed he’d been playing Ling a lot in this relationship with his lovely guard and he didn’t enjoy /that/ epiphany at all. All the more reason to get back to what he knew best. He looked at Ling interacting with her, pensively listening to her hard time and was…ew. Homesick. Even though Ling was a nasty little deceiver who’d been unjustly cruel. Again. 

-

Lan Fan was in the middle of telling her emperor the tail end of their trek. He’d loved Greed doing one of his standard plans of attack in the bar and had given her a compliment that bounty hunter was a good look for her. She didn’t need to hear that, thank you! She liked her profession!

Ling had sat rapt as she’d described what the shield felt like and how she’d used it in the tunnels of the mountain when retrieving him. Greed had done well with his promise to let her do things but the second they had happened upon the cell that both of them /knew/ Ling was in he’d burst forth from her like a dog off the leash seeing their owner who’d come back from a long trip. Lan Fan knew Greed didn’t like the fact that she thought of him as an animal often but he was thinking about his own things and what he didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him.

When they’d come to the cel door she found herself standing away from her normal perspective before she could even react. She couldn’t be mad about it, not with how he’d felt then. She had long ago grasped Greed talked absolute shit about Ling, it wasn’t like he could cover it up, but— 

What she had been aware of from him in that moment was the equivalent of her passing every exam and test she’d ever taken with flying colors mixed with the unfiltered joy of being given free candy as a young child. Ling had really broken this guy, huh? Wasn’t he supposed to be a domineering type? Isn’t that what homunculi did? Mei said Envy had. 

So she’d only creased her face, peeved, when she was ripped away from herself like that dog metaphor she’d played around with and he’d smiled as hard as he could with that stiff mask. 

Almost as fast as all that had happened Greed was tearing the door off the hinges, kicking the rest out of the way, and Ling, who looked /not great/ was looking at them (Greed really, he hadn’t known about her) like he’d attained emperorship all over again.

She wasn’t used to this ‘team’ thing. She may work for her emperor and his will ran through her... (She didn’t like this juxtaposition suddenly, as someone who claimed to be emperor’s will literally ran through her at the moment) but she enacted /Ling Yao's/ will in her own way on her own time. To the absolute letter, but independently. 

Greed was, without a doubt, one of those ‘team players’ she’d heard tales about. She knew he’d been bending over backwards to impress her and facilitate… this...thing… that they found themselves a part of. It could have been a lot worse. 

-  
  


Ling was hit over and over again by how Weird this whole... thing... was. It was one thing when it was happening to himself (he’d gotten complacent) but every time Greed surfaced to pitch in a small correction or comment, hell, even a reaction to something Lan Fan or he himself said he’d get it again. Greed had let the other two catch up mostly un-bothered but it wasn’t like he wasn’t listening. 

Greed, for all that he was another person with his own wants and, ha, desires, was also, weirdly, an extension of himself. Ling had never known him as not being a part of him or apart from him for that matter. Even on that first day, at that first meeting, Greed had literally remade him to suit the needs of being a homunculus. But, as time went on— Ling had remade Greed too. 

Originally it was pretty easy, give an opinion on things, give direction, is he looking for it? Oh he is, keep giving it- Ling had made himself of use to not be tossed away (if only he'd known how easy that had been to achieve). He’d poured a lot of himself into Greed when he’d been an amnesiac and Greed had /listened/ and /learned/ while kicking at him the entire time.

Later, when he’d brought him back it was only by virtue of having enough of a separate self bud /from/ Ling to stay around. Ling had ripped off a piece from father’s clutches and, ick, ‘nurtured’ it from a cutting into a tree.

Poor Lan Fan. Ling could fathom exactly what kind of mess he’d unwittingly inflicted on her. He was in touch with himself enough to know that, while Greed provided a ton of physical advantages, such as his shield and healing, but more mundanely just another thinking person to shout at him that he was dehydrated— he was an emotional wreck. That was the main support Ling brought to the communal table. Ling also of course gave Greed the ability to have a physicality in general but both their talents were skewed to mind (his) and body (homunculus). (With a little overlap because everything about them overlapped). 

Lan Fan, in her explanations, even though she had glossed over the worst of it, was unmistakably recovering from a life-event level of a crisis. Greed had to help her and also get her to him without them busting apart. She could of course handle herself but, for all intents and purposes, /Greed/ had to be the babysitter! Ling was impressed with Greed's determination, taking into account he’d gotten him to a keening bawl with about three minutes of a goof an hour before.

Ling was an emperor and that meant he knew when to delegate. Greed was the delegation he relied on first. He filled in his gaps, and Ling knew in that self assured way, that Greed relied on him to do the same. They had many understandings. What was nice to note was that Greed had carried on his teachings to be able to play nice with Lan Fan. Ling valued her based on her self reliance but he and Greed had already entertained a few chats in the vein of tossing ideas back and forth on how to get her not to eventually burn herself out. 

No matter what Ling was aware of the conditions of the stone. Her being well enough to come get him the day of taking it (without being able to heal with no limits like Greed had on first contact) meant that she was… pretty well matched. Who would have thought that? It’s not like they had any real common ground! They were as different as two people could be! 

She would want to get him right away and had obviously paid any price to do so, and- of course Greed would want to come get him. He knew that. Ling had just been nervous when he wasn’t around, not knowing what had happened!

It had been a bit now with Greed being emperor and he said he loved it a lot of the time (the challenge, a lot of free shit, ordering people around) but he really did do- like, a lot... for him. Ling liked to think that he was not stupid where it counted. He had been noticing.

Lan Fan too had been extending herself for that matter but he’d tried to stop her for a decade and she had not slowed at all. Baby steps.

Greed however, he was like- the ‘wild one’ and now he was telling Ling to ‘turn in for tonight he's got the rest of those writs in the bag’?

How did That benefit him?

Out of him and Greed, Ling had to reluctantly admit he was a Little less wild by default. He’d served out a year being emperor alone to sober him up. (/That/ being an absolute joke).

He really appreciated it, yes. He’d even mentioned already to them both! (Hindsight, Greed had been there when he’d apologized to Lan Fan, Ling realized.)

Greed liked to joke about a raw deal. He also assured Ling that he'd known full well he signed up to some tough times on their days where peril was close at hand.

Sometimes Ling joked about things he was concerned about to gauge the room reaction... Maybe Greed did that too?

Greed kept his own thoughts and Ling made sure he didn’t pry in 'no fly', by Greed's words, areas. As much as they were a set they were still individuals.

So... maybe he'd been having second thoughts? -Or something. Yeah, Ling had got him crying but Greed was, OH BOY WAS HE, the type to want what he couldn't have.

Ling put a hand to his face, rubbing where there weren't scabs.

Greed had been tired like Ling had been tired these recent days. So Ling had been pushing going out and doing fun stuff even more when they could- to compensate! And…. remind him that stuff could be fun here!

They'd both been overworked when the garden happened. It was probably because of that fatigue that they’d been caught at all. Ling had brought up an argument of theirs they both enjoyed picking at just for a shot of espresso (without having to actually imbibe. Bleh. Tasted like sludge). They had thus been distracted as well. 

They were gonna go sign papers for real and enjoy the quiet and then... maybe climb a tree for a nap if they got done.

Being so occupied and a bit dead on their feet (they had traded off like normal but... he couldn't remember the last time they Both had -slept- more than an hour or two at a clip. He’d thought about that a lot) they hadn't been as cognizant.

Really, Ling knew, it was probably majority-wise /his/ fault. This whole current situation. He regarded Lan Fan who was speaking about a pond, looking run down, as well as his own side and his other ailments. 

Greed was the one up most of the night, the night before they’d been attacked. He said it was okay but that meant that Ling should have been the one to stay sharp.

He wanted Greed to know how much he appreciated it— everything!! For the last few days before his kidnapping they'd been almost shift trading. When they had been together he'd filled it with an argument. Stupid!

Yes! he already said he’d cared. And he does!! And... how does he broach the subject without looking like Greed just did when he’d said he cared?

He usually didn't think so deeply about this kind of thing but a lot of him was hurting. Two damn weeks...Not having the crutch of Greed’s responses in full spectrum at his call. Ling was... uneasy was an extreme definition. Nothing so dramatic.

Greed was having fun with Lan Fan and good for them!

There was no doubt that Greed was going to do a fool thing like stay with her! For sure! She’d uh, probably rip her other arm off?

Though, now that Greed could maybe move to someone else... maybe... maybe he'd want to?

Lan Fan said they were a set. She was most absolutely Ling’s favorite for a reason!

He shouldn't be quantifying important people in his life.

He was being pathetic! Just because he was hurt and- went through some stuff, he was crying out for someone to bandage his knee and give him a candy. Greed wasn't a ration of antibiotics or a live-in nurse.

It would be funny to call him a nurse. Ling smiled slightly but it left quickly. Mei would kill him if he talked down about anyone in the medical profession.

Regardless, he was whining! He’d heal... and... and Greed would be back. Soon. Ling already felt a ton better. Even while he was making Lan Fan do it Greed grinning at him (was WEIRD to see it on Lan Fan but-) like always did a lot to calm his dumb thoughts. 

He just had to quash it for now. If he started feeling it too hard he was gonna not be able to keep it together. He’d almost lost it when he’d admitted he cared. He could /not/ lose his Shit in these woods! Lan Fan just went through a crisis, she was not delicate by any means but she probably was at the most delicate Ling had seen her in a long damn time. Greed looked stressed when he let his guard down. They needed to get home! Ling /knew/ Greed was delicate. Fuckin’ prize winning dahlia.

Right now Ling was in charge of a country of two and his subjects were -weary-. It would not do for their leader to have his own crisis.

  
  
  
  


Damn he missed Greed.

‘THAT’S /enough/. SUCK IT UP, LING,’ he thought to /only/ himself. Ouch. ‘GO FACE. NO SIN TO TELL YOU TO STOP SNIVELING. BOOTSTRAPS. NEVER WORN BOOTS IN MY LIFE.’ He clutched his knees where he was still sitting and listening to Lan Fan. A plus of what he and Greed had (HAVE, dammit) was Ling had cultivated a /hell/ of an ability to have multiple things going on at once. 

‘ONLY KINDA KNOW WHAT BASEBALL IS BUT GREED SAYS THERE'S NO CRYING IN IT.’

He really wouldn’t mind shedding a tear or two right now.

‘STOP IT.’

The normal mask slipped back on his face. ‘OKAY GOOD, YOU CAN DO THIS. LAYER THE DISTANCING VENEER OF YOUR POSITION!’ His will hardened again. ‘For Lan Fan! And the other one!!’

-

Lan Fan had finally caught up to this morning's events and left off there with the finishing remark that ‘Besides Greed being around for all of it and you being worryingly dense, you know the rest’. She signed, relieved of the burden of lying by omission to her lord. 

He was keeping it remarkably calm for hearing all that but it /was/ his majesty she was talking to. Even when he’d been having his little slow and painful spiraling breakdown after they initially came home to Xing from Amestris it took him a long time to actually commit and become enough of a nuisance to need intervention. He had been too busy to lose it!

Even doing something as simple as replacing most of his staff and positions throughout the country to begin /thinking/ about how to actually rule took time. Emperor Ling Yao preferred to have a look at the highest appointed ones directly if he could and there was no way in hell he was going to go out to meet them. When the emperor says ‘come here’ the one he ordered to do so should be ready to drop whatever they are doing and race to bow at his feet from whatever part of the country they occupied. No correspondence, face to face only. Ling did not care if it took three weeks. But for their sake it'd better not.

After just such a time of calling an older judiciary on the provisions of reinstatement to his old position, Ling met with the man for less time than it took to take lunch despite his long trek to get there. He returned to Lan Fan and a back room to take a small break and fix his hair. Did it have to be done so tightly? 

She had inquired how the meeting went. Her lord answered her with “Nope.”

She was so surprised that she actually followed up with “why?” It seemed to her that the older head was peaceful, if a little curt with how he looked at her.

Ling had shrugged, “Mmm dunno, hunch?”

Lan Fan had been filing away events in a box she didn't like to think about as to 'Why Ling Does Things’ for so long doing so back then had been a very rote action.

Recalling it now; frankly the then prince was already an enigma. Even before Greed that box had seen some heavy use. After Greed the box just became multipurpose. Ling had a -lot- more hunches after he came back to Xing, she remembered.

Didn't like that guy, seemed like he was too quiet. Smelled like trouble. Why was it like shaking a bag of treats? He always rushed over even when he was mentioned in passing. She concluded most of her contemplation was not going to be a solitary activity for the immediate future.

While she had him here she might as well see if those hunches were just hunches.

 _Were you aware?_ She had asked this question about a jar situation already and received the same answer now but with a lot less scorn. 

Yes and no? Greed readily supplied, if indecisively.  Back then it was kinda like Pops before me and Ling became acquainted but not quite. I really don't like remembering or not remembering that! He almost shivered. 

Greed liked his individuality, thanks. With his dad it was markedly not very individual. Yuck.

The main difference, he explained to Lan Fan, (who was hearing him out?) was that he and Ling started as two different people! There was always a ‘line’ and because of this line there was a lotta dormancy and then sleeping- Near the middle there it was like sleepwalking, had she ever sleepwalked? He had kind of known some stuff but had been too broken up/weak/pressed down upon (thanks a fucking Lot, /Ling/) to get it together.

To sum it up, he was a collection of impulses and hunches and secondary thoughts for a big stretch.

Lan Fan frowned, internally. It wouldn’t do to have Ling see. She worried if something like that could happen here. Before she could voice the question to Greed fully she got a sense of him actually pushing away in disgust for once.

As much as cooking calls for blending of various ingredients you don't go dumping lemon and milk together.  Greed lectured, lack of concern coloring his voice.  Any blending comes from either extreme mental distress or very voluntarily- so fucking relax. 

Lan Fan should know he was way too proud to give his 'self' up for very long, even if he needed to with Ling. If she had ever been close quarters with Ling for any length of time, oh wait- YEAH SHE HAD, she could guess Being him was worse.

Not to say that their first jab at it on some roof in Central was under the best circumstances but it was not a ‘fun’ activity. Ego death was fucked up. Lan Fan had a very strong sense of self... albeit sometimes misguided!

She had been following his thoughts and scowled at that one.

Ling’s more ‘at risk’ cause that dumb little monster loves giving things up and even then- again, horrible being him. I like a good massacre as much as the next homunculus but yikes. 

So no, as much as Ed dubbed them a singular name it was just a nickname Greed let slide these days and Not the goal.

It may have been hard for Lan Fan sometimes to tell where one ended and one began outwardly but with her perspective shift and a bit of time to get how things ‘went’ she had no trouble knowing what was her and what was Not.

Greed concurred for the most part referencing it was pretty much the same thing with his and Ling’s set up. There was a blurrier middle, he admitted, he couldn’t ignore that difference. It was more just cohabiting with anyone for the time they had literally anyone would rub off on each other. Him and Ling were way more similar than say himself and her.

Everything wouldn’t have worked as it did in the very beginning if they weren't similar.

She did cede that point. 

While they were talking about him (favorite activity, they should do it more) - Greed had to know, when did she know?- About him not being simple hunches? Now that the memories weren’t tainted by denial, and repression, and guilt, and wild speculation.

Guilt, huh?

If said box of yours became dual purpose as to why Ling was Doing Things- When did it do so? he quipped.  Considering you’re so very Astute and Smart- 

_It took months-_

Nahhhhh you were pretty damn sure for a /while/, weren’t ya? he posed. His question wasn’t accusatory or meant to shame. Just lightly inquisitive. 

Alphonse told Greed later he was about a week out from Greed’s revival from just asking "Greed?" at an opportune time and he’d not even been Xingside long! The only reason he hadn't pulled together the gumption was he wasn't sure if Ling would just cry or hit him. He wasn't quite bored enough at the palace yet to try experimenting, though he would have before he left, he assured Greed with an elbow to the side.

Greed would not stop until Lan Fan told him what she knew now to be the truth. It was just a small thing that had planted the seed she had promptly encased in concrete. She had dismissed it at the time as ridiculous. It was barely a thought and shouldn’t count. 

And? Greed prompted, his chin was practically in his hands. 

_The laugh._

Oh of /course/! 

Her lord had not exactly laughed much from an honest place those days- laughing not meant to disarm or confuse, or simply to stroke an ego. When Ling had laughed at something he probably shouldn't have been laughing at (therefore it was an honest one) it had come out not very familiar. It was unfamiliar to her but familiar enough to Ling that he had startled and walked off muttering about being late to something. He had gone further to be sour the rest of the day as well.

Greed himself had no memory of what she’d been talking about, so it was probably /early/. As time went on and he was more himself memories of those months were fuzzy but there.

She had noticed a hell of a lot that she wasn't willing to acknowledge. She thought Ling was just in that 'plastered but savant' area of drunk some people got into when he stared at certain people like he wanted to bore a hole in the back of their head. When he mumbled to himself that ‘he didn’t like them’ and ‘best to work on chasing them out’. If he only wanted that why wasn’t he asking her?

There were times when he would eventually actually get rid of one or some third party would come in and Deal with them. (Infighting was still a thing, even though ironically Ling was fostering a lot of unity in that large groups hated him rather than each other.)

He'd be in a better mood then. Not ecstatic but tired and content, like a job had been done and he could focus on something else.

The cycles of drinking, staying up too late- the incoherence, they were pretty random, or in times of great stress. She knew they were 'legitimate' in that he needed some way to blow off steam.

To start.

They started getting a lot more regular. In times of simple frustration or despair (he did not admit that one to her but she was not ignorant) the penchant to throw himself to the wolves would surface.

And she let it go! She let it go because it wasn't... so bad to start.

He was happier and it was rare to see him happy. At all.

He'd started cloistering himself ftom others. Mei was first. He had kept her at arm's length considering he hadn't wanted to defer to her wishes in the beginning. It was a lucky thing she was still young and not yet seen as a threat.

He'd stopped wanting to go out.

That's when it got worse.

Ling didn't try and hide from Lan Fan, not like he really could!,- But he stopped using her as an ear. She kept repeating herself over and over at the start of his rule that she couldn't begin to presume to give Him ADVICE-

-And he kept pushing it wasn't advice, it was just...a 'thing'. It was a thing that... he did, and it was easier to work through things when someone was there to hear it and maybe say something.

He had been quietly smiling when saying this but it was eggshell thin and pasted over

Hell. I- 

So he stopped using her as an ear and that went in three phases:

One, she was glad he listened to her complaint. He was the son of heaven and she was a retainer and she was not supposed to 'hear him out'.

Two, moping and almost no movement in court for almost a month. 

I was really trying- 

That was about half a year or more into his rule.

Damn. 

Three, her doubling back and going to Offer if he needed it he could order her to and she would have to listen, right? That was a loopho- a thing they could do?

Only to find him drunkenly gesturing to the air with a badly drawn set of rubrics.

Ha ha, well! You can see I was trying, then? 

She hadn't wanted to listen. She went to Fu's grave often to talk to him, too. She just.... did not expect answers when she did.

Damn Ling, you were trying too? 

So Alphonse showed up a month or two later. Things got better. Her lord might have been actually happy for about a week. More talks chose just then to go bad. Al went from diplomat to passing him drinks like it was happy hour after only a few days. Did he suspect even then that it made 'something' in her lord come loose? Or had he only wanted to cause a scene? 

Knowing him? Both probably. 

She noticed a few times when her name was heavy and clumsy in Ling's mouth. Not from his indulgences but almost if he was having trouble with it. Even though her name was right up there with 'food' in Words Ling Says.

There were hard to miss things like Ling looking at Alphonse of all people with an expression of 'who the heck are you?'

And you said it took months? 

_FINE. THERE WERE MANY THINGS._

She thought her majesty was just… losing his grip on reality. His father had been most of the way there! Maybe it ran in the family?

Lan Fan's perception of Greed was all over the place before she got to know him. Alphonse' initial accounts and her own healing fever-ridden mind at the time made a much larger problem of Greed than he actually really was. Even during the worst of it. She admitted that, too.

It was the months of speculation in Xing while she healed that had set her on this path. Brooding and picking at the scab of her problem while trying not to pick at her actual wounds-

Ling not finding his own way back for those long months... Her mental state was fragile after only two weeks with her lord gone. Despite the precedent of a note the first time it was thousands of times worse-

Said sorry. 

_I /know/ you did._

It wasn’t like Greed had cared at the time that Ling’s note written in drying blood had been the only thing keeping her from ripping her own hair out at the root.

Ling himself had also apologized a lot when he'd told her of those months he was gone and what he'd been doing during that time to the horror of her beleaguered ears. He thought it very important that more people than himself knew the details.

_Mei enjoyed the stories._

SHE DID, DID SHE? 

_Crossing the desert is hard when you are so exhausted, not to mention with a child in tow. And Mei._

Greed raised an eyebrow at what he suspected was an actual attempt at humor.  No, you were listening too cause you remember it. 

_What was I to do, stare at sand?_

Coulda' told Ling to shut up. 

Greed smiled hugely through her withering frown.

Ling had thought it very important to tell them everything he could remember about Greed. Lan Fan then had to deal with two different portraits of the then dead (from helping save an entire country) homunculus.

Said homunculus was having an excellent time pressing all the buttons he could now that his host wasn't the equivalent of a toaster near a bathtub. She would sometimes even play back but her conditions were very complicated. That's what made it the most fun. 


	12. Bill of Health

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For being so in each other's heads they were off thinking their own things that last chapter! This one they give Ling a shitty once over and have a nice chat.

He’d been languishing for some time but something finally struck Ling further from his funk. He had an errant thought, how did his chi look right now without half of it? Greed peeking out of what was basically a bore hole reminded him. It would be nice to know, and maybe Lan Fan could get a look at how bad his wound was. She wasn't trained at this application but such a big one- it had to be pretty easy. Chi and healing were two peas in a pod and many diagnoses used reading to see where it was pooling foully in the body. He- okay- he was also REALLY interested to see what /she/ looked like. Greed had looked out to show him he wasn't a trick but—

He brought it up, knowing that Lan Fan would like to know more about his condition but also Greed would plainly like to Know. They’d team up if she refused. 

“What if we get tracked?” she asked when he posited the request. It was a good thought but Ling submitted he’d rather get tracked and flush out whomever was left on their own terms. Those two previous unfortunates could not be the last of it.

“Come on Lan Fan, lemme look!” Greed hustled, just like Ling knew he would, “Don’t you wanna make sure Ling’s not more fucked up than he thinks he is?” Ling could spy that Greed was also trying to conceal that he might be concerned, the sop. 

Lan Fan would do the /important/ thing first and look at his chi for medical purposes, if he would be so kind!

She felt Ling uncover it in a swoop, not projecting it out but more just letting it settle into a normal band. 

Oh… chi patterns usually did not look/feel like that. (The sense went beyond look and feel but it was what she had to work with when she had to explain it.) 

HA, WHOA. That’s fucked ain’t it?  Greed commented, like an idiot. He was close enough that he was informed to her senses without asking.

“DID YOU MAKE A BURROW,” she exclaimed to Greed, “YOU /ARE/ A MOLE RAT!”

Ling blinked, eyes wide, “What? What is wrong with it?” He could feel some stuff wasn’t right but he wasn’t sure how much of it was from the actual holes in him. 

“IT IS LIKE LOOKING AT TERMITE-EATEN WOOD!”

Oh he's fucking cheese! 

“/You/ are the one who did that to him, I would not be talking!” She could draw a conclusion that not all of the mess was from newly acquired injuries. Many points looked too uniform, they had the look of nodes.

“I’m sure it doesn’t look as bad when he’s in here…” Ling’s voice dwindled at her upsetly taking in his spiritual condition. 

“It /DOES/ for entirely different reasons!”

“It’s Kintsugi Lan Fan, it’s classy!!” Greed explained smugly. 

“You? Gold? You are pig iron patching a ship hole at /best/,” she shot back.

“Cold and rude!” Greed stood her up and cocked his hip. Ling recognized they were gonna get a lecture. “When I set up shop I had the perception, don’t start, at the /time/ that -that-”, he pointed to Ling and the ‘that’ that was Ling pointed to himself, “was going to be mine and mine /alone/.” 

“Yeah, you learned better, didn’t ya?” Ling teased from the grass. Greed flipped him off and Ling waved it away. 

“So, when I was flush with all that soul power I did a lot of things for to make him a proper homunculus, it was my nature!” Lan Fan got the sense that if Greed had gone- really gone- then most of those holdfasts would have eventually filled in on their own. If Ling let them. The human spirit was resilient like that. 

She felt him puppeting her like… dear heaven... Normal and had a new set of thoughts she really was not pleased with.

“Lan Fan would like to know what /we/ look like, my dear crony. Would you oblige?” Greed asked Ling and held out his arms.

She had not! She was just!-

You are /temporary/. This is a ‘leave no trace’ camp, Lan Fan. I didn’t do -that- to you! he said consolingly, indicating Ling. 

“Go on, Lan Fan, I almost never get to show off, 'cept when Mei’s doing our check up.” Greed said it verbally to tip Ling off that she was wavering about it. It wasn’t like they could go to any doctor that was aura adept (and many of them were) so they used Mei as a go-between for most things.

Ling looked at her expectantly and Greed mirrored the expression internally. She shook her wrists and reluctantly completely undid what she’d been keeping under wraps this whole time. Greed sighed and spiritually stretched, which felt like a full body chill to her in the worst way. 

Ling had seen maps of the nervous system (for malicious reasons) and chi also followed many of these pathways regularly. What was /not/ regular was the fact hers was overgrown with what looked like an oddly grabby photo negative. Ling kept his reaction from playing too heavily, she was looking at him, trying to see what he was thinking and worried about the result. 

He smiled, “It’s cool! It reminds me of the stuff on a tree?” he tried. It /was/ cool!

“So a fungus, my lord?” she was disgusted but also wasn’t going to resist showing Greed he shouldn’t have asked. 

“Surface fungus works. No roots, so don’t worry Lan Fan, he’s not intending anything permanent," Ling assured. He’d followed her thought process. No way in hell was Greed looking to stay, not that he’d let him in any case. 

“Jerk! Just enough for the basics,” Greed carped while echoing assurances back to Lan Fan. 

Ling neglected to mention while Greed didn’t have very many roots there were a few twining wires from Lan Fan equally embedded in him. Aw! Wasn’t that sweet?

He took into account that she looked in good health as much as he was able to tell (he wasn’t an expert) and Greed was also brightly flashing. He didn’t have to fluff his feathers. Ling rolled his eyes. Near her clavicles, right under her solar plexus there was an especially ‘bright/concentrated' bit, about the size of a thumbnail.

Haha, -there- he was. It wasn’t a spot Ling could look at all that well for as much as he could feel it when it was with him.

Ling pointed to the area, “I spy with my little eye; a bitch.”

Lan Fan narrowed hers and Ling looked at her with his face asking plainly ‘you think this is about you?’ She looked down at herself, concerned.

I’m a stone, remember? Still sort of solid,  Greed explained,  Homunculi cores tend to go towards the rough middle and I wasn’t fibbing about being sort of in your heart. Pretty close to it! Bloodstream tends to do that. You put me in here yourself! 

“Yes but… it is weird!” she exclaimed.

“Well /yeah/ Lan Fan you're playing host to a nonhuman being, it's gonna be weird?” Ling knew Greed was giving her the location run down. Took him months to actually explain that shit to him. Ling brushed her concerns off, Greed was a pain in the ass but she couldn’t be in better- he couldn’t say hands and clutches was- evil sounding. Care. Sure. 

Lan Fan, imagine how I feel. Catch up.  Just because it was a thing he could do didn't mean that bunking with someone else wasn't weird.

“Think about his siblings, you got the best scenario, Or really /I/ did," Ling said. Best to remind them again where Greed was /supposed/ to be.

"Liken it to wisteria on the side of a house, poetry," Greed soothed.

“Kudzu,” she said woodenly. 

“HA! WEED!” Ling bandwagoned while pointing at Greed’s rough location again.

“Was thinking flowers for the lady,” Greed sniffed.

“Crabgrass.” she elaborated.

“Literal invasive species. Poison oak,” Ling tossed in, “Cause you give me a rash and I wanna avoid you.” He winked and noticed Lan Fan’s eyes looked a bit too sparkly. He didn’t partner up with a crybaby! Maybe he shouldn’t have slam dunked Greed's fragile self esteem so early being back.

“Okay: filigree(d),” Ling offered mockingly. He gave himself /big/ airs for that pun. Of course you use filigree to dress a bigger showpiece. Could not have Greed getting too big of a head, ah— and there he went. 

Greed was acting like it wasn’t a big deal but it was for sure a big deal. Ling realized he should have given him more compliments in the very beginning and then maybe he could have gotten working together down to a few weeks. 

“Ivy,” Lan Fan sighed. 

She was meeting in the middle of this game she didn’t wanna play and wanted it to be over. Ivy could look, she guessed, pleasing- in the right places. As much as it still was a choking creeper. 

Ivy could hold up a broken wall, too. 

Ling meanwhile looked different than what she’d perceived in Central- the newer version of Ling shot through with Greed that lived at the palace that was being placed neatly into her recollection by a mysterious asshole. How they’d looked near the end in Central was Greed’s total dominion over her lord riddled recently with bits that she’d recognized. How they looked in the palace was an... even split. -Yes!- She was aware how halvsies worked now, she thought to the smug area in her mind.

“Us? We’re like a desk ornament, one of those little metal puzzles,” Greed intoned while pointing at Ling, it was laced with a joke but Ling smiled sincerely.

“I’m sure Greed’s as much cheese as I am,” Ling added. 

Lan Fan wrinkled her nose, “Freaks.”

Ling pointed back at her and she knew it was her and not Greed, “I’m not the one with a coal near the base of my neck and the suggestion of teeth everywhere (right now) - aren't you spooky Greed, stop boasting,” Ling seethed, if he walked around the palace like that he’d be rushed and experimented on for sure, but damn was it awesome. 

“Don't get to normally,” Greed complained, “usually have to stay prim and proper. Maybe flick a shot at someone nosy.” He reminisced on how many times he’d screwed with Alphonse already even with his fledgling sense of the pulse. Damn near stuck his tongue out every time the boy’s back had been turned. Total laugh fest. 

He stretched again even though he noticed Lan Fan twitched at it. With Ling he was used to being under wraps so it was okay but her having to both mask him and also want to stay the hell away from him for the majority had been bad to feel. 

_Can you please?-_

Do you like to take your armor off and stretch? 

_Yes but it-_

I /know/ but gimme a break! You got less space all around! 

Ling realized something else, Greed was unsettling like this (showing off, notwithstanding) but he must have looked an utter fright with the whole soul nonsense from before. He was retroactively glad Greed had dumped the souls, if only for the fact that he would have probably been arrested the moment he hit the border.

‘Fu tracked me through Central which we later found just had PIPES of soul nonsense underground so my signature must’ve been Something,’ he thought.

“How bad was I back in Central with the whole ‘thing’ going?” he asked Lan Fan, twirling a finger in a tornado-like circle as she shook like she touched something gross when cleaning dishes in the sink. (Must've been Greed again.) 

“Full ten, majesty.” The way she said it assured him she did not overestimate. 

“Eeesh, full ten?”

She nodded, “It only took us a day to find you once we got back to the country. I thank you for not teaching Greed how to hide any of that in your hell-bent vendetta to endear him to you.” She phrased it like he had told her that he was repeatedly putting his hand on the stove for fun. 

“I hadn’t hid it but thankfully Greed also didn't find it,” he replied in the interest of total clarity with her. 

"Didn't wanna learn how, also," Greed said.

"Yeah, he didn't wanna learn," Ling imitated. 

"Thank goodness for ignorance, then." Lan Fan was able to know Greed of course had more to say.

"Why would I have wanted to stop telling the world who I am?" he asked her openly. 

"You really are just an absolute unparalleled idiot." She fixed her bangs with a brush of her hand.

"I always aim to be the best!" Greed said. It got the reaction out of Ling he was looking for, which was: scoff that turned into a mirthful snort near the end.

Greed was a little more at ease, he didn't want Lan Fan jangling too hard over his dwelling arrangements with her Or Ling. He had tried to trivialize it but if Ling knew mucj about bones he'd know that his were not supposed to be like that.

But he doesn’t! So it’s fine! Don’t need him worrying about it. How did he think he was able to jump off a building and stick the landing while cracking the pavement? Soul power was one thing but if you didn't need to fix things all the time wasn't it more spendthrift? 

Mei knew and she supported that it was better this way! 

\----------

It was basically out in the open the moment she had thrown up a circle to cover chi (like a spiritual medical tent) and took a look at him a few weeks after he'd come back. Ling had been napping.

She had frowned at him for a solid two minutes.

"Is it about the bones? 'Cause don't worry about the bones," Greed said through her still frowning at him.

Mei had seen some weird shit. As long as he wasn't assimilating people like Envy she figured it was… within parameters. As much as you could designate parameters for this.

Greed smiled nervously at her from the table she had him up on.

"Does Ling know what you-" she started to ask.

"NOPE! Did It before when I bought into 'this' the first time,” he gestured to himself. “Fixed some stuff up- and no, I can't put it back now so why bother. I'm surprised you didn't pick it up before?" he asked her while she took a stethoscope to listen to his heartbeat. 

"I ignore things about Ling I don't want to talk about."

"Same. In fairness when I got him he had like, no ribs, Mei. My brain had been wiped too. It’s a lucky thing I even knew what kind of bones were supposed to go where," he shrugged while she took his pulse and wrote a few things down.

She peered up at him, indicating what she was going to do, getting a nod from him, then pricking his thumb with a scalpel and watching it heal in a few seconds. "Before you came back if we talked about you he'd stare at a wall really hard until we stopped. So, I couldn't bring it up. "

Greed exhaled, and not from the fact she'd told him it was okay to stop holding his breath from the stethoscope.

She ran her hands along his abdomen and stopped around his hip, looking back at him with accusation.

“Where is Ling's spleen?"

He had a blank look, "The what?"

She blinked slowly, "I would love to study you but really I’m not sure I would enjoy making my head hurt." It also wasn't like she could publish a paper on any of it.

He studied the chart she held up as she angrily pointed to the area in debate. "Couldn't figure out what that one did. Just sorta combined it with the liver," he shrugged with only his shoulders. "Knew what the liver did and figured it could stand an upgrade. Liver very important, Mei," he continued knowingly. 

Greed was fascinated to know how Mei could tell Ling was missing a whole organ. He inquired as to how she did, politely.

"It is the chi distribution," she explained brightly, "it's pretty obvious when there's a HOLE." Slapping his side angrily on the spot she went to punish him for her now adopted but also genuinely related brother's previous treatment.

"Oh- whoops," he said lightly, like he'd forgotten a trifling thing. 

"Don't go trying to cover it up now, you remora, I see you!" She hit him again and he shifted his aura back from the spot sheepishly, caught in the act. He was wrapped around Ling like a vice but it wasn't like she didn't notice Ling also had him in a death grip even asleep.

"You sure have made yourself at home! Get Ling up, I want to check something," she muttered, turning a page in her notes to things she'd observed about Ling.

Doctor patient confidentiality over discount ruler, he said to Ling, nudging him awake. He'd had a rough week.

_Okayyy. Why discount?_

Half off. 

_Hilarious._

"Hi Mei, sorry, I'm beat," Ling stretched and rubbed his eyes.

"Hi brother. Your vitals are a little off but I guess that's okay. Greed says from what he remembers that's pretty normal. Your pet leech really did a number on you," she said, goading a 'Hey' from Greed but smiling while she did it. 

She's been quite rude but I'll allow a familial exception. 

_Wasn't aware family extended to homunculi._

Didn't bother you. 

Greed had him there.

"What are you even /doing/ to these chakra?" Mei murmured, taking Ling being up and conscious into account for their different metaphysical look. With him in control it looked probably the most normal it was going to but it still wasn't…. human.

"Ling, move your left arm please. Greed try and stop him." Mei clicked her tongue at how that looked effing wild. Ling grunted but managed to keep Greed back, barely.

"Okay, switch." 

She had them do a few other things but from what she could figure out it was… fine.

"Medically you’re a nightmare and a mistake but you’re a healthy mistake so you technically pass the exam," she said practically, "like everything is doing what it's supposed to and I can't tell you why." She emphasized the second part of the sentence to Greed specifically in that Ling had a couple extra things he didn't know about that she was gonna let slide.

"Greed, one more thing, suppress him for a second. I want to see how bad /that/ looks." Mei got close to see what Ling would have looked like had things gone very wrong.

"Haha, sensory deprivation!" Ling chuckled.

Greed knocked him way back at Mei's request. Mei got to see Greed's chi as unfettered as it could be.

"No way would you be able to pull a coup off," she said as she did a walk around. Homunculi without the souls were somehow even spookier. She was glad Ling was good at pulse management and had his on lockdown as a royal precaution even before Greed was all the way back as he'd most likely have been burned at the stake otherwise.

Greed smiled smartly, "Didn't plan on one! Much!"

She watched Ling's chi flair back up while Greed spoke, it stabilized evenly. 

"You'd never be able to pull one off anyway but glad to hear it," the original owner of that mess of a body intoned genuinely.

Even while hidden, Mei had heard that others spoke of a certain gravity to the emperor. They ascribed it to a royal… bearing. People who disliked him assumed he was simply intentionally messing with his signature to seem more distinct and important. But others thought privately that it was more like he was staring right at you, even when he was not.

"You're lucky you keep those Elrics around," Mei said to Ling. Not that Alphonse wasn't a personal delight to her. His particular layout screamed 'I Messed With Forces Beyond The Ken, Ask Me More' and people had already asked Edward ' why are you a spiritual amputee? No, not the leg- your soul'.

"Oh you know me, Mei, I am a simple man that attained this lofty position through hard work. I respect my friends, whom I invite often, not because of their positively flamboyant mess of aural disruption, but because they are my dearest associates," Ling smiled demurely. 

"I am perfectly human, and so infirm you know. Fainting spells since I was young, all sorts of things. Everyone remembers." His act was ruined by another bigger smile tugging at his mouth and it being obvious to even Mei that Greed was whooping it up. 

If a guard saw his eyes luminesce, what was it to them but a trick of the light? 

\----------

Greed wrest himself back out of thought. He looked at the spot where a spleen was supposed to go on Ling and thought it was good that he didn't have one anymore because he sure would be in a lot more pain if it was where it was supposed to be. 

-

Ling meanwhile, wasn’t- like he wasn’t bitter or nothing. Watching those two act familiar to each other- it was fine. He should know how that kind of situation would force familiarity on the people in it! He was glad they were enjoying themselves! Lan Fan was a notoriously tough customer to get to enjoy anything without a bunch of baggage attached. (She would never admit it but the plain fact she was actively participating let him know.) 

He was happy Greed had knocked a few of her boundaries down. Or maybe the sleep deprivation had done it, he wasn’t a full one hundred percent on that. He just didn’t want them to get the wrong idea, he’d been mean, sure, he had joked, but Greed was /his/ mess and he would like to be home soon? He had a country to run? They were comfortable but he sure wasn’t! Obviously him and Greed worked best together. Gruesome twosome. Of course. 

“What’s eating you brat, you’re looking especially bratty at the moment,” Greed called over to Ling. He was still trying different and new ways to tease Lan Fan now that he was pretty sure he wouldn’t get his head bit off and had admittedly been ignoring him. 

“Nothing! Having a normal one over here! Not dying or anything!” Ling said with a small snivel. 

“We’re not moving until you stop looking like you're gonna pass out, but you’re not dying. So what's the state issue, head of state?” Greed smelled blood in the water, Lan Fan was kinda fun lately but Ling when he was acting spoiled was prime bullying. “Could it be that your implication about /me/ being codependent was because of your own hang ups?” he asked studiously, steepling his fingers.

“YOU’RE RICH, YOU KNOW THAT!?” Ling spat nastily from the ground he was still sat on. Greed had gotten closer to loom over him and really stick it to him.

“OH!!! /OH!!! /LAN /FAN/ IS SOMEONE JUST A WRECK WITHOUT SOMEONE?!!” Greed was windmilling his arms dramatically while Ling stared daggers at him.

Why was he dragging her into this? She had seen less drawn out ridiculously petty dramas in Arugelan soap operas.

“/YES?/ LOOK AT ME!” Ling bypassed the emotional tangent and indicated that he was indeed a wreck without Greed medically.

“Oh I’m lookin’! You lookin’ Lan Fan? Because I see someone all fucking grabby all of a sudden!! I’m not /PROPERTY/, Ling. You keep telling me that I can’t regard -people- like that and I’m a people, last I checked!”

She couldn’t take it anymore, she knew there was another reason why she had wanted to hide she was with Greed. There hadn’t been these annoyances to worry about. 

“Knock it off, you will both be chewing at each other independently of my involvement as soon as I can get us back. Besides running off and trying to go to Crete and seeing if I can get an operation to remove this independently I would not be able to stop you both.” 

She pinched the bridge of her nose. 

"He's your problem."

“Who you talking to?” they somehow both asked her simultaneously.

“Yes.”

Both their pumped up angers blew out like a summer storm. (They always did.)

“She's so mean!” Greed grinned from her mouth.

“Just the worst,” Ling said like he valued it deeply. 

“We wouldn't be able to live without her, but damn.” Greed put her hands up behind her head and relaxed. 

“Still your problem though, Lan Fan,” Ling made sure to remind her that she was involved too.

“Yeah Lan Fan,” Greed added.

Why was it that like this their drafting behind each other was even worse? “Not for three weeks after you two are back together it is not. I am taking a vacation,” she leveled stonily. 

Both Greed and Ling exhibited the exact same amount of surprise and from what she was able to tell from the one hanging out in her brain, upsetness. 

“Ok! Greed- while she’s gone, you wanna learn how to catch knives with our teeth?” Ling saved being upset over her wanting to leave with a dodge.

She would have liked if she was able to have Greed not answer that but he got it out anyway. 

“DO I!? THAT WAS A BAR BET AT THE NEST!! ALMOST GOT IT ONCE!!” he cackled. 

She regarded her arm with the very sharp blade, judging the angle. It was surely long enough to try but she didn’t think she could aim it right to dig him out. Ling had told her the core was under her sternum but- that was a tough area to get at.

Don’t get any ideas! 

“GET OUT from /under there/ so I can get at you!” she hissed at Greed. Greed knew enough to be happy that he settled where she couldn’t realistically reach. 

No! he said, sing-song.

"GET OUT OF THAT ORGAN IT'S NOT YOUR FUCKING NEW APARTMENT," she cursed. Lings eyebrows were liable to shoot right off his forehead in mirth.

AW! Greed barked. But also didn't move.

"You always hang out around there, Greed?" Ling asked, curious. He also would rather that Lan Fan treat trying to dig him out as a passing thought and not a thing that she could accomplish if she tried hard enough.

Lan Fan fought him visibly for a time but gave up, "Nah, I use your skull, it's like a mansion. The echo and acoustics are top notch. Vaulted ceilings- I ring a little crystal bell every time I want you to come calling. Ideal set up." He checked off the perks on fingers, looking up in thought.

"You sure, cause every time I say 'Greed' you come wiping around the proverbial corner like you're a dog on a newly waxed floor," Ling crossed his arms and spelled out, pleased.

"I can also confirm that my lord. It is sad. You should have seen him offering me the shield. I did not know I was at a new nail place going for the full package." 

Ling slapped his knee over that. 

"They shoulda gave you half off," Greed muttered directly after.

 _YOU GET ONE JOKE LIKE THAT AND THAT IS IT._ She said privately. She'd been kind to even offer the one. 

"WHAT! MOST PLACES DON'T COME WITH A BELT SANDER FOR THE OTHER ONE!" Greed yelled audibly back, he hadn't meant it as anything but a price cut.

"If we're gonna joke, Lan Fan, you don't have one arm. I don't have any arms- or a body. Who is lesser here? You are a cut above the rest and that was even previous to your set up with the blade."

She had told him many, many, times about what she thought about flattery before.

He used her arm to point at Ling who was gormlessly sitting a few feet away. "Look, at best I get half of one and Look At It. Do you see?"

"I can understand why that would be an obvious downgrade." She didn't like to see eye to eye with him but there was an objective level she had to accept.

"THANK YOU."

"I CAN HEAR YOU BOTH! YOU'RE NOT PRIVATELY CHATTING! TOTALLY VERBAL!" Ling whined pedantically. 

"Yeah, we know," Greed winked.

Lan Fan had her reservations about throwing her lord so to the wolves, she did still serve him.

He hadn't seen you at all until the morning and it was all 'where's Greed, where's Greed. Oh yay you're alive Lan Fan, do you know where Greed is?' I'd be pretty miffed at that,  said Greed, concerned to lose an important ally in the quest to knock Ling off his horse.

_He trusts that I can take care of myself. He also made you cry, so I am good._

Greed made sure she knew he was giving her a dirty look. Being a little rougher with her he held up her automail to Ling.

"Ling look, Ling, Look. She's got compartments on this piece," he bragged, opening up the underside and showing off the contents to Ling who was scrambling as fast as his injuries would allow to come see.

"AW, WHAT, YOU GOT A PEN?" That would have really helped him out in Amestris with that famous note he'd written.

Lan Fan was so damn tired. That was not for him to share. As much as she would have eventually shown Ling it was for /her/ to do. Greed needed to stop treating her as a proxy because he couldn't peacock on his own. 

Can I try masking us, then? You've been doing it the whole time. 

_Don't act like it is because you wish to relieve me of a burden. It is nothing more than another way to demonstrate that you have a function. Are you obsessed with that, proving worth?_ She thought for an eyeblink. _Yes I think you are!_

First of all, hey. Second, you ain't? 

_I know my worth._

Coulda fooled me! That was his big official project with her, no more down talk. Especially when it was a gigantic fucking lie. 

_I will have to be more verbal informing you just how much better I am. Stop giving me eyes, I can feel them, I'm not letting you._

Greed was also learning a lot about when to ask for things and would let it go. 

"You're lucky I like the two eye look (don't need to confine myself, necessarily) and I don't take more after my dad, thank fuck," he laughed. He sat down next to Ling, all yelled out for now. This was nice. Cathartic.

"Your art was very accurate my lord," Lan Fan cleared up Ling's confused look.

"Oh you mean the demon looking thing! Yes, I think I did well!" Ling held his fingers up in the shape of teeth on his face. "Is he still doing the glasses guy?" he went from teeth to crooking his fingers in little circles for the shape of the glasses. 

"I could pick him out of one thousand people and say 'that is Greed'. It is uncanny," she replied. 

Greed didn't like something about her answer to Ling, it was off.

"You said it suited me!"

"Because you look like a strumpet!" she declared plainly. 

He gasped gently at the barb. Ling was busy getting his bandages dirty by rolling around laughing on the ground.


	13. Scars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Today we learn more of the past past, before Amestris, before everything. This chapter is different than my usual. Hope you like it.

They really should have gotten moving again a while ago but in everyone’s defense they were flat out nearly dead on their feet. (Not /only/ Ling!) Lan Fan didn’t want to make excuses so Greed would do it for her. He was fucking beat and he really didn’t feel like slogging yet! If his tantrum let them take a break too it was just a side effect 'cause no way was he moving an inch for a foreseeable bit! Lan Fan had tried to argue for less than a minute so Greed knew he had the right of it in that she was gonna collapse if he let her take Ling back up again. Both her and Ling knew nobody was around and they were in the epicenter of goddamn Nowhere, so why not?

Ling had taken to the extended break easy, duck to water on not having to get carried at the moment. He’d lain himself flat on the ground using their bag as a pillow in full repose like it was the palace, hands on his chest. He could deal with being out in the country for a few more hours if the trade off was he got to enjoy the weather and the fact that as long as he stayed still, he didn’t hurt too badly. They’d eaten and the sun was high, it was warm but not too hot. There weren't even that many bugs. Greed and Ling knew from experience that conditions like these when you were out in the thick of it should be appreciated for all that they were worth, their combined experience of camping for months out in the shit that was the Amestrian outskirts coming to the fore. They were of the same mind to vote Lan Fan out of pushing on if it came to it but it thankfully had not. 

Ling hesitantly resituated himself on the ground, turning onto the side that wasn’t a nest of pain, “So, really no estimated time of arrival for Mei and the others? As much as I like airing out personal problems in the sticks...” Mei was the most important one to him at the moment in that he missed his beloved sister- but also he needed something a little stronger than field dressings, please. And maybe her expertise with other things. 

“Told ya, just said give us half a day’s start and then left them a trail to follow. Got no idea what’s taking them this long but Lan Fan also broke some land speed records so there’s part of your answer,” Greed said. If Lan Fan was going to sit she was going to fill the time by cleaning her automail and Greed had been loudly harassing her to try to do some of it himself. 

“Okay…” Ling was turned away from them but they both recognized that quieting of breathing. He had begun to doze. Greed stopped bothering her for the whetstone which she put back in her pocket with the other small tools. They watched his back for a time but his breath only got more even. Greed crept over to Ling, peering over to look him in the face. Yup, out.

He touched his forehead with a finger then covered his face with his whole hand (not getting the haptic feedback from sharing the finger/hand was still kinda messing with him). Yup, super out. Standard Ling, there wasn’t much you could do to wake him when he was truly comfortable. 

“You wanna take a quick snooze? I’m okay for watch,” he whispered to Lan Fan. She wasn’t actually feeling sleepy yet, content to just rest her bones. Greed was similarly mentally awake and tied to her physically he mirrored that exhaustion. Ling shifted which brought her eye back to him, following the movement. Something drew her gaze to the hairline on the back of his neck, behind his ear. Really, it was the lack of something. He’d had a pretty big scar there. She pointed at the spot where it had been with a ‘?’.

'Course it’s missing, remade him, remember? He’s got new ones don't worry.

Most of those new ones were self inflicted because Lan Fan was good at keeping any other inflictors off of him. If Ling was gonna do shit foolishly then Greed wasn’t gonna waste the time and juice to heal it perfect. Scars were to remind you not to do it /again/, brat. Ling had one on his upper arm from catching a tray from the oven rather than letting the profiteroles drop to the floor. Greed had told his stupid ass to hold the tray even or else they were gonna shift on the wax paper and pitch it to the side, but did he listen? Greed had been working on those for hours so he’d fixed the worst of the burn.

In more characteristic fashion, Ling had also managed to stab himself on various forks by getting too grabby at dinner, not looking where he was reaching. Greed showed her one on the ball of his foot where he fell out of a loft after trying to climb up to it without using his hands for fun. Tons of badges of idiocy. 

He had a few others, some good ones. One that should be a lot bigger from the time he got impaled was near his middle, but she knew about that one.

As for the new wound. Greed would try his best not to let that one scar. They both knew not to let it happen again. 

Can you imagine someone catching sight of that shit and knowing there should be something there? Enough people probably left to spread it around that the emperor got caught up in something. I’d love to punk a random criminal, and I /love/ conflicting information, Greed explained gleefully.

_Information control is important._ Lan Fan really didn’t care for the apparent explanation but she’d like if there wasn’t a scar there either. /Sure/ Greed was doing it because of all those reasons. She’d cock an eyebrow at him but didn’t want him yelling defensively in her brain/ear. 

She could identify with carrying scars too, badges of honor, not that the ones on Ling for the most part were honorable now. Somehow that fit him. 

The one behind his ear? Greed encouraged. It was significant, she'd stared at it many times. From her memory it was a messy starburst and a ragged slash that went shallow near the end.

_It was from something I should not have been doing._

How’s that your fault, you give it to him? He wouldn’t blame her for that at /all/.

_No!_

Greed 'leaned back' or more accurately got her more comfortable.  You’ve garnered my interest. Story. Now.

He got the sense that it was from a long time ago but it was still somehow fresh. She’d tried to not let— it but once recalled the strong memory washed forward on it’s own. 

_\---_

The child towered above her, body blocking out the sun. He was still on the young side- seven or eight at most but an early growth spurt had made him mean with the power that it lent him. She, despite being the same age, was smaller than most of the children who were congregating around the large antagonizer in the park that afternoon. It was the cliché, a big bully with a few satellite kids, pushing down a kid they thought different. The kid had been Ling. 

“Lan Fan you don't need to challenge every little thing, it's just clothes,” Ling told her after the bigger kid had walked off laughing. Ling had given him the coat off his back without a fight. “Why even fight him?” he told her with a grin.

Bullies would find it pretty hard to push you down over something they wanted if you freely gave it to them first. He’d appreciated her standing in front of him but she didn’t need to protect him from something like this.

He’d taken the red coat of the bully when he’d dropped it in the dirt after stepping on it and put it on. So what if his old coat was of much better make, his favorite color, and had the Yao crest on it? He could get eight coats, Lan Fan- it didn’t matter. This was just another game. Red was fine too, it was her favorite color- right? 

She blushed and hid her face in the scarf she wore even back then. Ling always remembered the dumbest things. 

“It’s fun to play dress up! Look, this is my ‘asshole’ costume,” he said. She snorted at the Amestrian curse. Ling had been learning the language and the first thing he’d done was pick up the swears. He’d offered to teach her over and over but she wasn’t to hold herself like that. She had decorum.

It wasn’t too far away from the compound of the palace and surrounding favored clan houses, that’s why she had followed Ling rather than try to drag him back like she always did. He’d whined to her, telling her it was ‘barely a five minute run’, ‘still safe, just one of those parks that was tucked around the administrative buildings to the west’. 

Ling liked playing with the kids outside the palace. Around this area they were still spoiled rich kids but... less... she knew, less like up there on the hills. Rather, these kids -didn’t- know, Ling told her with a wink. 

“We shouldn’t be here,” she said to him quietly. She wasn’t supposed to go against his wishes in most things but big rules overturned this.

“Oh you worry so much, I do this all the time!” He skipped over a fence with a scrabbling climb and landed on a tree. He walked the branch like a tightrope, arms out for balance and fell halfway out of it to grab the branch with only his legs at the last moment. He smiled at her upside down. 

“Why don't you play with us this time!? It'll be fun! The rules are easy, I can teach you. You love rules, Lan Fan.” 

She did not love all rules! Oh. She looked at him still smiling at her, even bigger than before. He was teasing her. He goaded her more- if they were already out here she could play with them. She’d still be watching him. It would be even safer, actually, if she thought about it. Usually he gave her and Fu the slip and went off by himself. If Lan Fan played with him not only would she be right there ‘supervising’ she could enjoy herself too. It was a win/win!

He’d talked her right to the park entrance. There were children milling about. Ling and her were in the trees still. They jumped down, making a few of the kids jump. 

Ling took a place in front of the other kids, even this young he had a way about him that drew the eye. 

“Everyone,” he said loudly, clapping his hands (she didn’t know why he bothered, he already had their attention), “this is Lan Fan!” She stayed behind him, half hidden by his shadow and half buried in her scarf. They still shouldn’t be here. 

He grinned wickedly and stepped away, robbing her of her hiding place, “She’s gonna totally skunk you all.”

The others didn’t look all that impressed to her, though they did come closer to give her the lookover. 

One boy got closer than the rest, giving her and Ling a eyebrow, “New girl has to be ‘it’, that's the rules, Li.”

“What, you tired of me destroying you guys?” Ling snickered. A few kids beyond the lead boy rolled their eyes.

“Li?” she asked.

Ling leaned back at her, putting a finger to his lips, “shhhhh.”

They were going to play manhunt. That was an easy one, she could do that. She didn’t even need the rules. Ling still thought she did. Boundaries were the park, no hiding in any buildings, don’t tattle on your other teammates. Last one found was exempt from being ‘it’ until they wanted to be, or everyone else had a turn. 

“Just count to fifty and keep your eyes closed before trying to find us! No peeking! I know you're worried about me slipping off but it's part of the game! It'll be fine, promise.” Ling waved at her as she turned to the tree trunk she was going to hide her eyes with. She hadn’t been worried he was going to run! He’d gotten what he wanted.

  
  


Games are weird, why didn't you just use that pulse thing? 

_I did not have it yet. I had yet to master the skill._

And what do you do? In this game? 

Her eyes were hidden by the bark of the tree though her ears picked up crashing and giggles in the underbrush. She slowly, loudly, counted up from one.

How did he not know a simple children’s game- ah. One would have had to have been a child at some point. _The others hide and the one who is ‘it’ is the one to try and find them. You... play a demon, so the others are hiding from you._

Huh, and you're supposed to catch them? 

She had stopped counting and called the ‘ready or not’. Taking off into the bush she found one child straight away to shrieks of fear.

It’s supposed to be scary? 

How do you explain the sick drop of glee, trepidation, and fear on a good game of hide and seek as a child? Of course for her there wasn't much fear, just that victorious moment and dashing back into the trees or behind something else while the kid picked themself off the ground after the rush of being caught stopped making their heart pound.

The sun was very much setting now, it had been late afternoon when they had started. The buildings were black silhouettes, trees stretched taller in the new creeping dark. There were a lot of kids for her to find, over twenty had been at the entrance when her and Ling had arrived at the start. 

Her perspective is lower to the ground and even things like park benches loom high in her vision. She's pretty sure a few went home the second she started to count, not wanting to play with a new girl. She had heard a few that had been caught saying goodbye in the distance. It was getting late anyways, some of the ones she hadn’t found might've been called back in.

-They- shouldn't be out this late, that was part of the reason she had chased after Ling. He was going to keep her out as late as he could, it was his way. Fu would be upset.

For the other children that had gone home- mothers and fathers called, dinner was being made.... she knew about those things. At least had a passing understanding. You could learn a lot of things from books and watching others. 

The crows were calling and she had a few more to find, she could have called the game over when the sun had started to set beyond the buildings and tease the shadows from their feet but- Ling said she would beat them. She was having fun-

No matter, she wasn’t going to stop.

She still hadn't found him yet either so she wasn't going to stop, regardless. Of course he would hide the best, she knew him. Most of the other children were seasoned and quiet, they had played hundreds of games. Especially the ones who were left. Even breathing, small movements, they weren’t a patch on what she was training with but they weren’t bad either.

There was something louder and closer than anything she had heard, someone finally must've slipped up and she had to run to catch them before they moved off again. Nobody said moving spots was against the rules, it was how she had caught so many already. Sitting and waiting for them to sweat it out in between screams of being found from others. They would doubt their hiding place and try for a better one. It was why the game had taken a while. Her training in some stealth techniques, it was a new tool. She was having fun seeing just how well her efforts were paying off.

Maybe she'd convince Fu to let her and Ling come out to play more, after getting scolded... it was good practice!

Her teachers called her a prodigy. Even Fu who wasn't heavy handed with praise said he was proud of her. Of course she worked hard, she had her clan to support. Because of that praise she knew the adults wouldn't mind her not coming to them when Ling snuck out, she was just as fast as them and they had said she was good. She could handle things on her own. Even now they let her carry weapons, trusting her to use them well. None of the other children training to be guards got their own yet, not to mention new ones. The best in classes did though, as an encouragement to others to try harder. As it could only fall that way the others just ended up coveting the spot and not being too keen on the one that held it. It was okay, she was the best so… She didn't have time for them, and if they didn't make time for her, that was fine by her.

It was pretty cold considering the day had started so hot. 

Greed didn't catch this too much with his siblings but he thought he had heard of the "prodigal child" syndrome before. He could tell this whole time he was missing some things but the picture was sharp enough. He was getting the core concepts of what she was showing him. Being told you're better and isolating from peers is basically why Greed left that establishment. Children are the same even if they're ageless homunculi.

Teachers bringing one child up to the front of the class just to tell the others how much better they are. That tracks. That's familiar. The looks on some of those little faces reminds him of things.

So Ling is one of the last to get caught by this 'demon', huh? Hmmph, ironic? 

_Did he get caught or catch You?_ she asked. 

Not a demon, don't know what you're talking about. 

There’s no moon tonight.

It is really dark.

Lan Fan had strategically combed most of the compound, there was only one area left to check.

In the valley of the cup of a park ringed by larger buildings, nightfall came calling first. She could see okay, a straggler kid or two was an easy bag. She had not been focusing on them.

There were only three by her count, Ling and that kid he'd almost gotten pushed by are among them. Maybe she had been a little rough on one of the kids she had already found who'd been involved in taking Ling’s jacket.

A flying knee to the chest was still in the rules.

He was fine.

If he could get up crying for his parents he was fine- just a lesson for later.

As she closes in she hears another yell, she is close to the last kid, but then she hears Ling's voice, too.

He wouldn't yell.

It's very dim in the park. She's cutting herself on branches and bushes as she runs now, in her haste. She nearly trips and falls on the little dagger she's now clutching tightly in her hand

Ahead of her she doesn't think she's ever heard Ling gasp like that.

Little children are so easy to pick up and knock aside when you get down to it. They're both still on the small side, though Ling has been growing lately. Eight years doesn’t give one a lot to work with. The man she can see, his shadow is so much taller and broader than them. Ling must have tried to attack the man who went for the other child, the big one who had actually taken Ling's crest earlier, and got tossed aside for his trouble.

Ling had gotten marked up, bleeding heavily from the back of his head. When she saw him, as she broached the clearing of the tree cover for another spot with only grass and bushes, he was in the midst of trying again. The man was trying to subdue the bigger kid, who was trying his best to bite him in the arm where it wasn't protected by steel.

The darkness somehow seems to be tinged red, though the color shouldn’t be visible. The man's pick is much larger than her tawdry dagger.

That weapon was made for quick work after all, she'd seen it in class. Right under the skull line, to the side of the vertebra; she knew its use. Perhaps under the chin, but that took power she didn’t have yet so she had not learned the application. An assassins tool rarely used since it required getting so close and being strong enough to finish in one blow.

She had never heard the sound it made before, though.

Ling had gotten a mark for his trouble, bled for it, and before Fu burst on the scene that mark might have been more. It all happened in a disconnected blur after a stiff crack of his shin meeting the other man’s face echoed through the silence.

Fu had taken care of it as much as he could, after he'd drug them both back out of that park. He went back for the other two that he'd have to explain for later, after they were told to stay. Being the first adult on the scene it was his responsibility. It wasn't a blip on the greater radar of life around the palace, just a local governor’s child and another botched attempt on a princeling that had strayed.

If there had maybe been other children that hadn't made it home that night, who could say?

Lan Fan never went back to that part of town to find out.

Fu hadn't even scolded her. She thought- She deserved the scolding. That's what happened to children, right?

All Ling says he remembers is how Fu and Lan Fan saved him - her knife had got that guy right in the cheek! All she can remember is that he hadn't stopped coming for them after she missed his eye.

It wasn't their place to offer apologies to the parents of the child, not like they would accept them, not like it would matter. They were guards of a prince that wasn't supposed to be there.

She can't remember what happened to the crest, if the parents had seen it or if Fu had removed it from the body before delivering it. He hadn't said. He wouldn't talk to her at all about that night.

Lan Fan didn't even know if Fu knew she was playing or if he thought she had just gone looking for Ling the same as he had and frankly doesn't know which would be worse. She can guess by the way he looked at her, but to confirm it was beyond what she was capable of.

Ling was quiet for a time after, it wasn't often that he got to see the raw truth of who he was. But he'd seen it enough. If he was better maybe it wouldn't have happened. He was adamant about sparring with her and Fu now. He hadn't been before. He’d been content to sit and watch, complain about the fact he was bored, or slowly learn a technique on a good day. She hadn't wanted to even be near him at the start of this new behavior, until that cut behind his ear healed she would barely look at him.

She'd never resented the ponytail before but for a time she wished he would wear his lengthening hair down instead.

Fu had treated them both more coldly and Ling started wearing his own weapons quickly.

Lan Fan asked him about the scar later, way later. Ling told her he hadn't even remembered where he'd gotten it.

She didn't press further.

It was clear that the mark it left on her was much more permanent than the one on him. Or maybe when you had a lot of marks it was hard to remember which was which?

She didn't let herself get many more of those, and tried her best with Ling, though he endeavored to try as hard as he could to do it anyway.

He'd even try going out to explore or play now and again, to both prove that he could and to reinforce any lessons he'd picked up. She always came, but never participated. He had stopped asking her to by some point well before going to Amestris. As it stood now, the rejections were so consistent he'd genuinely forgotten to start asking again.

Things were different, or the same really, as that's how it should have been at the start.

‘Of course she'd say no’ was pretty ingrained in him. And- she knew that.... because... Greed knew that. 

That was right, he was here watching— that. She hadn’t said for him to stop but she had- forgotten? The memory was so strong and it felt like it was only yesterday. Maybe she had only avoided thinking about it and that was why she felt like she had forgotten more. Things were so sharp. It was… very real. 

People don't forget a lot of things, not really. Time dulls things, sure. Only ten years? That's nothing. 

He’s talking to her, obviously, but not only to her. 

A memory like that, that's a person maker. So you don't forget it. You can trust me on that assessment. Those have a habit of...sticking.  There’s weight there, so much she forgets for a moment that she’s herself and she only sees a speck on the horizon of two hundred years of recall. She isn’t even a tenth of what he is and remembers even less. He came to this world fully aware of who he was. 

Ling probably remembers a lot of it too, if I brought it up, but- 

And she knows that he has no mind to share it with him, not only that it wasn’t his to share (what a concept that was) but because-

Scar’s gone, you know what I mean? 

He’s trying to say that scars fade, and they do, but in Ling’s case his had been ERASED! He probably didn’t even know!

He knows a lot of his are gone! Want me to put it back? Hurt Ling? Easy request? Once again there was that eagerness to help her out without really getting why she was upset.

There's some conflict there, but the general feeling is ‘No’. Ling got what he needed from that already and if he's moved past it he's moved past it. She is not sure what he'd get out of it other than the memory of the one time she had honest childlike fun and he almost died for it.

And there it was, out in the open, she had said it to herself.

And she sits while Greed hums to himself because she hadn’t hid that thought at all. He’s not really sure about being scared about almost dying. It was a hard thing to be nervous about even though he’d given up the immortality bit. A thing he can get, though- he can get /other/ people dying. That's very easy. Lan Fan sees in very disconnected flashes how easy.

He’s not sharing it with her like she hadn’t intended for her memory to share with him. But he’s not actively stopping it. She… she can feel he’s trying to relate, but is much cagier with what he has. 

She gets it though, and it is.... Appreciated, and she doesn’t pry.

  
Ling didn't have the decency to wait for an offering. Talk about taking things. In fairness, (he didn’t want to be fair! Who cares, it’s fucking Ling!) it was a huge unavoidable event in his head the first time those memories had shown up.

He hadn't wanted to claim them first so Ling took initiative. He was too fucking good at taking on things that weren't his. Responsibilities, memories, pain, or whatever. He was a giant pain himself so of course.

Stupid ass wanted to be emperor just so he could take on Everyone's problems. Maybe he blocks out his own so he can take on others, or something. 

They reach another silence that isn’t charged with tension, though Greed is still muttering under his ‘breath’ about Ling. 

Lan Fan found herself wanting to break it and ask something. She was playing hostess to this being because of things beyond her control but Ling-

_Why?_

Why what!? 

_Why do you think he wanted you around so badly, at the start. It did not seem like you were at all good. He could have fought. Why do you think?_

These kind of questions were usually beyond her, but she was curious. There wasn’t much else she could be doing right now besides watching Ling sleep. Greed was already on a puzzling bent. He was thinking about it himself, so she would ask him a leading question, realizing he had already used one on her to get what he wanted. 

FUCK, YOU THINK I KNOW? IF YOU CAN FIGURE IT OUT PLEASE TELL ME. YOU'VE KNOWN HIM LONGER. YOU SHOULD KNOW HOW THIS ORIGINATED, RIGHT? 

So she thinks about what she knows about Ling- which is a lot. She had watched him most of all. What she can come up with is that Ling does /not/ let things, anything really, go.

Ever.

Secondly, Ling doesn't invest work in anything he doesn't mean to keep. So she submits those two thoughts to Greed, and he really puzzles over that.

Lan Fan touched her arm and remembered when Ling carried her, with extreme risk to himself. She had begged him to abandon her and fight Wrath on his own but he had not. 

Greed did Not get what the fuck she was thinking about.

What the fuck are you talking about? Why would Ling abandon what he was protecting? Greed asked, dozens of question marks of confusion evident in his speech. You leave your brain in your arm when you cut it off????

Lan Fan frowned and studied Greed's mood but it was open and without obfuscation. She had been prepared to die, and if Ling, and everything she worked for ceased to exist because of her error? That would be worse!

Greed meanwhile would be shaking his head, if he had one, like a bee had gotten into his ear. How was Lan Fan that dumb? He thought she was smart! Her life,- he owed Ling so of course he’d have half stock in his but- Hers! She didn’t even know. Had she not even considered that her life might have some value beyond protecting his in that moment? She never really joked or he’d be laughing right about now!

So maybe that was why. Maybe it was as selfish as having someone also be a part of his mess.

You misconstrue a lot of the early time Ling and me had. You think he got a raw deal, Lan Fan? I think /I/ might have fucked up. Not often I get the short end of the stick on an accord but maybe the one he made with me just had delayed interest that I'm only now finding out about. Fucking buried clauses. 

He sighed heavily in her ear.  Typical.  Isn't that the thing with timeshares, they seem too good to be true and then of course they are. You can only use the bungalow like twice a year and you have to share, those fees get ya.  The content of what he was talking about escaped her, but he was weirdly fond.

Boy is a total, absolute, grassfed, organic, not to be duplicated, one of a kind, limited collector's edition freak, eartails. 

It was the other thing Greed could guess, to attend to Lan Fan’s original ‘Why?’.

Lan Fan shrugged and shook her head. Greed wasn’t wrong.

Someone likes having a fucking monster he thinks he can order around I FUCKING GUESS. 

_You are like an imaginary friend except omit the imaginary part._

Wouldn’t that just be a friend? 

She vaguely gestured at the thoughts of: ‘Most people don’t know you exist', 'you need a corporeal form for a regular distinction', and 'Ling talked to empty air, what were others supposed to compare it to?’ _From what I can tell, both of you love the ‘friend who literally cannot leave’ aspect so you are /both/ freaks._

Greed scoffed but she knew she got him on that one. He began his well worn fit over the ‘f’ word. 

_Before you try and stop me from saying, yes you are friends, you even just admitted it._

How DARE she insinuate!- She did not get to flip the script on him and cut him off! She was such a little brat, why did these little pests from Xing love to go right for his jugular? She did NOT get to treat him this way!

Lan Fan easily picked up on his righteous and amazingly misplaced rage. _I cannot believe you are still in denial about this. Matter of fact, I do not even think you are in denial anymore you just like throwing fits to be dramatic. It is like how a dog loves laying on a couch but once you get home and look at it- it is immediately off of the couch and looking at you like you are crazy. Why would it be on the couch when it Hates the couch and would /never/ sit there? How could you imply that? This is how you act_. She would try one of his long winded comparisons to really stick it to him.

_Did the other homunculi berate friendships the way we berate dogs for sitting on couches is this why you act like this?_

He visited that- Guess me and Lust hung out some. 

Lan Fan suddenly found access to bursts of memory of him getting stabbed from many different attack patterns and angles. Cutting words slashed out, preceding and following up these more violent memories. Lan Fan suddenly knew what it was like to be impaled in the neck and not be scared, just PISSED someone had won again.

Other interactions with his siblings played out much the same way and oftentimes worse. Pride was especially horrific. Greed didn’t even let those memories play out in full for her. She wasn’t squeamish, not in her line of work, but he figured there was a limit. Just because he could get right back up again didn’t mean that stuff didn’t hurt. In fact /because/ he could get back up from it many of his siblings got creative! No wonder Greed didn’t know what actually to do with family as much as Ling did. Lan Fan could draw an obvious parallel. 

Any conversation with them was a fifty/fifty chance of ending in immediate bloodshed. ‘It was better to just avoid them’ was a strategy that both Ling and him shared. 

The bloodshed was fine, Greed informed her, or not fine but really it was the way they Looked at him (and the fact this carried over when he was brand new).

Moving on to address her point about him not being good at all when he and Ling first met and before he’d really changed sides- forgive him for being cagey when a prince that was not supposed to be existing was just fucking staring at him and askin’ him shit.

For like Weeks. Just because?

Eventually the questions got obtuse enough it seemed like it was more ’bored conversation’ than ‘back-stab attempt’.

Knowing Ling now it could've probably been both that whole time, though! Shoulda' had more care about that snakelike way he was lookin' at me but- didn’t know anyone at the party, you dig? 

She knew about the no memories portion of Greed’s life and that would surely have forced him to be closer to the only constant thing he knew. 

_He used that to pick at you like a scab?_ she asked. 

  
Yes Lan Fan, Greed frowned _._

 _He probably moved from a backstabbing attempt after a few weeks, he gets bored so easily,_ she sighed. Ling couldn’t stay on task to try and wrestle himself from a paper bag most times....

Am aware, getting bored in a soul tornado is no small feat either but he managed it quick. 

_When did he start giving you things because that is the best way to know if he-_ she wanted to say ‘judged someone worthy’ but it sounded too noble for what amounted to not wanting to lose material goods, information, and time, on someone he was going to at best cut ties with.

Greed still picked up on her notions,  Immediately! The whole body for basically free exchange!  _  
_

_I have 'walked into that one'._ Lan Fan palmed her brow. Of course Ling would think a walking and talking representation of a biblical sin would be ‘worth it’.

Greed was more happy over how she had used a phrase he donated to her than her admitting he may have been worth it and Ling had been right to risk it all. 

_Ling will not give things unless he is willing to get things back and if he is going for a backstab from the beginning that is a rarity. So, if we follow that thinking, then he had you nailed in ..... thirty seconds, Greed?_ He must have been pretty sure if he was willing to risk so much.

Greed would almost call her question innocent but he knew her too well. I pride myself on being upfront! So what if he could get a read on me!! That's Fine. You wily Xing royal types are the oddity here.

 _Ling also told me you were in abject denial about many things though_ , she submitted lightly, _so you are upfront with everyone but yourself- is that how that works?_

I THOUGHT WE WERE GONNA TALK ABOUT HOW LING WAS A FREAKSHOW. I GET ENOUGH PSYCHOANALYSIS FROM ONE NOSY ROOMMATE. 

_I AM NOT ANALYZING. I AM JUST TRYING TO UNDERSTAND._ Lan Fan was surprised to stumble upon the reality that yes, she was simply trying to know him a little better.

TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY GOOD HUMOR!!! AND MY CODE, VIPERS! 

She held up a hand for him to stop and was amazed again when he did. _OBVIOUSLY my lord is an obligate MESS- I KNOW THAT! You are BARELY the stand out among the others he picked up in Amestris!_

Greed could agree with that, though he was -clearly- the best of what Amestris had to offer. Ling had only brought one home for keeps! Mei had been in Xing originally so she half counted, and Alphonse, while good, wasn’t a permanent fixture. 

Lan Fan did a rare thing and plowed on with her side of the conversation. _He does not allow himself to make connections for YEARS and suddenly he is all done up with most of the people responsible for the country. He told me he was working on a serial killer, too! He got him out of jail, which is just- something that happened!-_

THAT IS HOW INSANE THINGS HAPPEN WITH HIM, IN THAT THEY JUST -DO-! 

_Ling said it was because the serial killer said he "looked interesting", or something equally insane!_ She matched Greed’s slightly hysterical tone. 

THE WORLD BENDS TO HIS DESIRE IN LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO JUSTIFY WAYS! Greed as a being should also be ‘literally impossible’ so it was a big thing for him to look at Ling’s actions and declare them beyond the pale.

Speaking of scars and Ling getting damn lucky in all areas of his existence… To tell ya the truth eartails-?

She ‘hmm’ed neutrally in response. 

Greed thought he could probably admit this and not die, he’d been getting closer and closer as the days with her multiplied. You know Ling wasn't uh... in hot shape the first time.

Lan Fan's eyes went to angry slits. _What first time?_

With me, and it was when I got reborn in that hole in the ground. It was fine after he’d got the body and fixed stuff, totally immortal and good right? He hadn’t thought too much of how things 'came delivered', so to speak, after until uh, feeling like, what injury and Bad injury actually felt like?

The stuff that doesn't go away in a few seconds, he clarified. _  
_

Her anger had a pall of curiosity to it. Both were getting more intense though which wasn’t so good. Thinking about how things were happened after Ling had caught enough shit a few months in with Greed himself attending the events; accident, intentional, various other categories, to illustrate the ins and outs of what was dire and not.

Bringing up what Ling was feeling during those times again, yes he did not intend to die and he took a gamble, and also it was dangerous ‘cause- well, Lan Fan knew, homunculus hell bent on domination of the world.

Buuuuuut there’d been bones that were not good! And the bleeding an allllll. Long story short I mean it's Ling so he /probably/ wouldn't have Died? But, there had been inside but wrong places blood so... maybe his choice was also made with "dont got much to lose" in mind? Just conjecture, you've given him an earful a ton about it already, but just sayin- 

_Are you implying you saved his life._

Not his fault either, Envy just kicked his ass up and down the street and that was a totally unfair match up. Had he actually done that? Saved Ling’s life?  Uh. Wow. Guess I kinda did? Or really if he hadn’t made the choice he did I don’t think Xing would have had a Yao on the throne, if you get what I mean. 

It didn’t change anything, not even her opinion of the events that preceded and followed it but Greed felt something ease slightly at the back of her mind. Fate would have been most unkind if her lord’s story ended there.

Actually, as he told it to me, he was unmade and remade twice that day! Ed did it too! 

_I had heard that part. Edward also bragged that part to me._ Thanking Greed for something he totally didn’t intend wasn’t required and Greed didn’t expect it anyway. _If I was a person who concerned herself with such things I would pay to have a band follow my lord around and play calliope music._

She felt Greed almost jump up and down and then get secretive all in a second.

_It is not stealing an idea when I have freely given it to you, Greed._

Her flipping the script and answering his questions before he could state them was driving him nuts but, if he was to admit it, deeply entertaining him. Pleasant conversation about nothing was all well and good but he lived for shit like this. When some walls came down. Ling had the right idea, that bastard never cared about walls. Lan Fan’s were mostly stupid. 

Walls were built by society to hide their things and Greed didn’t take that shit, be they physical or mental. Any barrier keeping him from having things that were okay to take was something that needed to not exist and he was well situated to making that a reality. He’d help Lan Fan with her stupid ones. 

Ling had done so for him. Aggressively. 

Ling saw things that needed to be improved, to be fixed. He saw that his country was in a state of fracture and began the steps all on his lonesome to take on the task. He saw Greed wasn’t what he could be and resolved to Fix it. That observation of ‘damaged’ was all it had taken.

Lan Fan was assembling a larger picture. Of course Ling would gravitate to such a large complicated project like Greed, and she could see why someone caring enough to chastise him for what he could become would be something Greed would crave. She lived for her emperor because she was raised for it, but along the way it became her choice because she believed in him. (If she hadn’t or if he had truly strayed she would not have stayed.) Greed, Greed lived because /of/ Ling. Not just because Ling donated himself to facilitate it but because of what he did For him. 

Huh.

Greed didn’t hide any of that shit, why was she so surprised? The thing that actually did surprise -him- was putting together all this shit with Lan Fan like he had been. Having a front row seat to her problems they were MUCH worse than he thought! Now, with another bit of context he realized Ling was an even bigger part of her life than he projected. Ling hadn’t really focused on her much since she was doing her own thing after he’d got his spot at king. Then Ling got him back. They were both too tied up in their heads to think about her needing the type of thing they had. Someone to… be a friend. They needed to throw this girl who loved to walk in the shadows back into the spotlight!

Ling had missed a spot, sloppy work! They had been busy but look who had time in spades now! Ling was an idiot. (Greed knew that but Ling knew Lan Fan /first/!) It was bad enough he’d neglected Mei all these years! 

In his own way Greed had been trying to draw Lan Fan in but Ling could have helped more than basically not at all, the fuckhead. All his posturing about wanting to ‘change society’ and ‘fuck tradition’ and he (the Xing native) forgot it applied in social situations too. What the hell!

Greed was in that head, he /knew/ it was empty, but damn was he still real disappointed? Ling had been thinking of her as too two-dimensional. How could Ling who had gotten under /his/ skin fast enough not think that Lan Fan might also be putting on a mask? And not the one she wore physically!

Greed gave Ling a slight amount of heed, he’d been in his mind so a lot of things went quicker- But! he’d known Lan Fan for -ten times- as long! What a fucking blind spot! Greed guessed he had to help with /those/ too! That was another favor Ling owed him! He was gonna have a -pile- at the end of this! Ling goes and passes out AGAIN and leaves him high and dry to plan all this out! 

\---

Ling cocked an eye from his ‘sleep’ at his two bodyguards having a moment. (Maybe even a few!) There was no mistaking those changing expressions of concentration. 

Sometimes the best move was not to play. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Took a few liberties with some things. Ling's always had strategies to deal with bullies and he's always been a bit.... grasping.


	14. Hard Headed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Whoops, this was supposed to be up yesterday! My deepest apologies!  
> In this chapter we get a little background on some whys on Ling being kidnapped as well as the three clearly demonstrating how much they missed the hell out of eachother.

Ling insisted on traveling at least a small distance to get out of the direct sunlight they’d been enjoying after it got hot enough where they had started to feel it. He’d begun to complain the absolute second he’d reached consciousness about feeling sweat run down his back and demanded they both remedy the situation. Greed called him soft; Lan Fan was the one in all black and literally shouldering most of his share of the travel. He still honored the 'request' by pointing at the far tree line and asking if ‘that was an okay goal, you gigantic brat?’. 

Lan Fan took up her bag and not her lord. She utilized the opportunity of him having his snit and insisting on walking behind them again to audibly whisper further plans to Greed as they made headway to the short term checkpoint. It seemed like Ling was more together now that he knew where Greed was. At the very least he had stopped surreptitiously looking around forlornly.

They were at somewhat of an impasse. Go forward to an unknown or hedge their bets and stay put? She knew Ling would advise to press on and, shockingly, she’d rather a second opinion from Greed. Her intent was to put some kind of objective together and then have her lord go over it, rather than go in circles. Now that there was no reason to hide it she’d unconsciously taken to an almost fully audible mutter in her focus to draft some sort of proposal. Talking out loud was easier when trying to think at the same time.

Ling had mostly let go of his odder hang ups for the moment but Lan Fan leaving him out of what sounded like a future strategy that directly involved him stoked them back up. He insisted on being upright so they'd treat him like a contributing group member and not like the chimeras had treated Greed way back when. Walking made him hurt, getting up and down made him hurt. He hadn’t stood on his own two feet in weeks and he was kind of angry at himself for insisting on testing them out. They weren’t in the best shape. For being the one her and Greed came to rescue they weren’t even paying attention to him!

Ling sucked his teeth in a fit of pique. His accompanying head toss really did jerk the muscles in his abdomen to set off his wound throbbing again. He didn’t have to fake the pain but in a burst of sour inspiration he did perhaps... play it up a slight bit. 

Lan Fan noticed Ling’s click of the tongue behind her while she was in the middle of a ‘pros and cons’ rebuttal with Greed. She cocked her head back slightly to see her lord cradling where his bandages were thickest. Lan Fan found she could not turn around fully to inquire about his health.

Ignore him! He just wants attention!  the one behind her inability to move again scolded. He could practically see Ling’s impudent expression and nasty little snicker. Greed was not gonna fall for that little /faker/. Lan Fan wasn’t acquainted with -this- side of Ling, he had no reason to overplay things to her. Truely, he was more guilty of vastly underplaying his myriads of perils. Greed resolved to teach her what she was -supposed- to do in this situation; he needed to squish this shitty impulse of Ling’s before he decided to try and take advantage of Lan Fan’s honest heart. 

She felt her head almost jerk back to facing completely forward, as if two hands held it there.  No looking! Don’t you even /look/ at him. Don’t you dare! I know his game, do not do it! Greed rambled in her ear. He stopped forcing her not to look when she’d begun to express discomfort. (Immediately). 

“How long would you like to rest my lord?” she asked. She might as well get an idea of how much Ling was going to balk at the idea of resting at all and tried for something besides total refusal. 

Don’t encourage him! Greed argued in lieu of actually making her stop. He crooked her neck back to ramrod straight when it was obvious she was going to keep feeding the snake who was now laughing delightedly at their antics a few feet away.  Do NOT give him the time of day! 

She was simply asking after his condition, what issue did Greed have with that? She thought he would want to know as well- Or had she misinterpreted his whole… framework. 

“Are your injuries paining you?” she inquired, able to do so suddenly. It had looked like he was really limping along from what she could see before Greed decided to dictate what she could and could not look at. 

“Why? You guys worried? ‘Bout me?” Ling asked, turning on the charm. Greed slapped a hand to his face privately. For being injured Ling zipped to their side almost too fast to see. “Something on my face, Greed? Miss me?” he cood. Greed yanked Lan Fan away equally as swiftly as Ling had appeared.

Fucker! he snarled. Like Ling would hear it? 

Putting the stupid prodding they were doing to eachother aside Lan Fan told her lord what they had come up with. (Find somewhere strategically sound and wait it out.) Ling surprised them both by expressing interest in not wanting to continue. Maybe if they waited a few hours their saviors would at least get into his or Lan Fan’s range? Then they could meet somewhere! 

They delved into the trees, climbing a small hill to a clearing with what looked like a good vantage point. Greed manhandled Ling almost the whole way up, noticing he was having trouble with the incline and putting his hands on Ling’s back as well as dragging at his arms. Lan Fan knew, reluctantly, that it came from a good place. To Ling it was pushy.

“Can you knock it off with touching me? I’m wounded, remember?” Ling wanted them to keep moving to a short goal because it would be easier to get them to keep going rather than outright pushing to go until he dropped. (Which would get a harder 'no'). It wasn't a lie, it was just… artfully sculpting a narrative. It was also a tactic that he utilized with Greed all the time. Get him going and he’d be reluctant to stop. Greed hustling him along was in line with his aims but unwelcome in how it actually felt. 

“Come on, lemme just get a feel of this ugly mug!” If Greed wasn’t going to get something he wanted with the act of ‘helping’ he was just going to take it and fully just start annoying Ling simply to do it.

Ling had been respectful even after finding out where Greed had actually gone. Lan Fan had a feeling that if it was anyone else but her those two would be clinging to each other like static-laden blankets. Greed still reached over that invisible line between them to do things like smash his hands on Ling’s face like he was doing currently and generally getting grabby. Telling Greed not to get grabby was like telling a duck not to swim. Lan Fan appreciated her lord honoring her personal space considering it was already so besmirched but she hadn’t forgotten how excited he’d been to even do something such as share a meal with the annoyance that he was in the midst of telling to ‘back the hell off’. 

Ling was in the middle of berating Greed for probably bothering Lan Fan but Greed knew she’d been pretty damn quiet. He paused in the middle of going at Ling for another go at trying to yank his ponytail or something equally juvenile at Lan Fan's senses telling them there was... 'something'. If he was interpreting it right. He was still kinda new at the pulse.

He asked her and she communicated vaguely she wasn’t totally sure but something was different. She scraped at her new range limit with all her attention. Something was coming. Greed held up both hands, palms splayed in 'stop' to Ling who had raised his own hands to slap back at him. “Shush up! Lan Fan’s getting something.”

Ling blinked, holding up an index finger in a question, “Is it Mei? I’d like to not bleed periodically any more.”

Greed’s eyes were wide, red plainly visible with how they darted around. Lan Fan's body whispered 'go'.

“Ain’t friendly.” He scooped Ling up fluidly, figuring Lan Fan herself was busy. That clearing with that vantage point was looking more appetizing. Ling giggled on his back while Greed navigated the loose gravel.

"Why the hell are you laughing?"

"If I laugh hard enough, I'll pass out faster!" 

Okay, maybe Ling hadn’t been faking that hard. His voice was tremulous again with what Greed recognized had to be a deep ache. Ling was out for conversation and Greed had to fill the growing trepidation with something while they hoofed it, "Lan Fan, you ever heard of the ship of Theseus?"

She kept a hold on her scan, putting her energy into reading what she could from it. She trusted Greed could put one foot in front of the other and not drop their cargo. What did he want?! "You have insisted I am only mentally equipped for fighting." She spoke so Ling would not only get half their conversation. It annoyed her when it happened to her. 

"Muscle Brains can read. You read!” Greed needed no prompting to speak out loud, it was his default. Their bag bumped against her back heavily and Greed reminded her with a mental nudge what had originally been in it. 

When her emperor was a prince he passed out even more often than he did now. When he was thus occupied with his unconscious state she figured to bring a book. The books that were always accessible not to mention small and easy to carry were those cenz dreadfuls! They helped pass the time and!-

“Splitting your dead time on something you /like/ isn’t slacking. You’re allowed to multitask, you know! What the fuck do you think a bar owner does during daytime? Besides fucking inventory. God the fucking inventory.” Greed knew a thing or ten about filling dead time.

“Lan Fan. If I didnt wanna sleep I /didn’t/, if I didn't wanna /Breathe/ I didn't. I had nothing but time some days.” 

She wondered if Ling'd had to breathe, back before. 

No. But he freaked when I didn’t so I got into the habit. Humans liked sleep too so I sucked it up. Ling didn’t need to know when they were talking about him. Greed kept it to a two person exchange. Realizing he’d not been breathing had been one of the rare times Ling had actually been alarmed by Greed and Greed had not even meant to do so. 

Did she have to?

Breathe? Yes? If you don’t want to pass the hell out. 

Greed wasn’t a miracle worker, just capable of some miracle sleight of hand. The bounding box of humanity was still pretty large even with the limitations of things like ‘need to breathe’. If Ling wasn’t a weirdo he’d notice he could actually put off eating for a while and not pass out now. If Greed was with someone ‘normal' and not a streak of two people who already slipped the verges of the human mind to break their own bones because they craved ruination Greed could get a ‘regular’ human doing that when they normally couldn’t. 

He brushed it off, he didn’t need her to start pushing his limitations. She already did that enough on her own with hers.

“What the fuck you think I’m gonna do at like two in the afternoon on a Thursday? I read! A fuck ton actually! And the cheap shit was best.”

“They aren't cheap!” she huffed. Greed thought her awfully defensive for ‘just something to do’!

“I could get five for like a thousand cenz note at the thrift shop. Then I’d bring ‘em back and get half my note back in coin when I was done.” He reached the clearing. Whatever was coming was still far out. It was a lot of somethings as far as Greed could tell through the lense of the adept he had access to. 

“Even though they were free and should have been my first choice the less said about libraries the better. Nobody wanted to talk to me when I asked what they were reading. The clerks thought I was trying to sell something in the back. What had been wrong with my outfit?” He didn’t need her taking a breath to tell him exactly what she thought about that, the question had been rhetorical. “I was a- oh no, I really wasn’t a citizen was I?...” he lost the thread for a moment wondering if squatters' rights extended to citizenship if it went long enough. “They called it a free library but really you did have to give the shit back eventually or they got mad. ‘Borrowing’- didn’t really get the logistics of that back then!”

“The ship thing?” Ling prompted. Greed wanted to get across the clearing, he inched his way along a few outcroppings for cover. Arrows would be hard to pull off with the elevation they had on their pursuers but not impossible. Projectiles sucked. 

See, he pointed out to Lan Fan voicelessly, it was easy to fill dead time! "Well, it's this thing- so basically- this guy has a ship and goes on a journey and a lot of boards and tools and parts get replaced on the boat, and by the end of the journey he has basically everything new- not really the ship he started with. So the co -nun- drumstick- is it still your ship?”

"AND?" The third degree from Lan Fan was a little much for the topic to just pass the time.

"And?" asked Ling. At least he was interested!

"What I'm trying to say is I’m still me of course, duh, but maybe I'm half of one of those ships, ‘cause just havin' Ling here is making me go haywire." The dragging energy that had led them to their quarry was distracting to both him and Lan Fan. It could have been a reason why she hadn’t sensed those two that had dogged them from the inn. It was like two magnets that were close enough to react. She didn't have such a good time with magnets anymore.

"It tickles," Ling said weakly, amused.

"Important testimonial. Bet you’re glad I made enough of me outta him to track him, huh Lan Fan?" Greed tilted his head forward from telling Ling he sucked to continue talking with his current host.

"...do you want me to thank you for siphoning off Ling's life and taking it for yourself or are you just feeling philosophical for some reason?" Lan Fan was making some accusations again!

"IT WAS CHAFF, HE WASN’T USIN’ IT." Ling hadn’t really been and it wasn’t taking, it was just borrowing- like the library! Greed just wanted to inform her that things could work out on their own!

"Lan Fan it just made me pass out more than usual which wasn't very unusual," Ling joked. He'd gone from fainting a lot to almost not at all with Greed in Amestris (maybe only a few times a week), back to nearly daily. He just hadn't put together that he shouldn't have been doing that with the new regular access to food he had. 

"Before you siphon off me, be aware that while you might know where I am if that works the same way I will also know where you are At All Times," she threatened.

Why did she always jump to the worst conclusions? Greed had already told her he was fine in that area! Best to be clear- “Wont! I'm good! You have to admit when I inadvertently,” he stressed ‘inadvertently’ stonily, “did that I sure made this escapade easier.”

She wasn’t wholly convinced. 

Listen, he might not live forever but he'll be in good health for all of it. Well unless he gets piss drunk or catches the flu. Not good at bugs. How long do you humans live? I feel like I can get him there. Like two hundred or so? 

She sighed. _...Sure. Shoot for that. A nice round number._

Ling already mentioned he could feel Greed like Greed did even though it took him fucking forever to add two plus two. "Ling. You said you felt a reverberation of some sort or was it just me?" Greed asked.

"Haha, if you got with Lan Fan a day and a half ago it was like someone screamed in my ear when I was dead asleep!"

Greed whistled. "Would /love/ to test the range on this but I suppose it's a special circumstance. Could kinda guess based on how far you were when I first felt it and how strong it was when I found ya." Lan Fan had to do the actual leg work but she didn’t open her mouth to correct him. Greed had found him.

"You were, what, a couple hundred miles off? Bet I could go like, five times that distance. You know- if there is a next time?"

Lan Fan pushed Greed out of the way to stop them dead at nearly the opposite edge of the large open field. "As all of my ancestors as witness, NO." She wished Ling hadn’t given away that other philosopher's stone if only to use it as a scrying device. She’d weld it to his ankle or something.

"I love fashion, you dress it up enough I might even wear it willingly," Greed teased. That was a very rare gemstone indeed. "People still tracking us.” He would clap his hands to bring their attention back around but they were helping to hold Ling up. The group was at the best place they could realistically be to huddle up, “We’re making good time but it's gonna be a while until we get home even with you gasing on it." Those many somethings were getting imminent, even covering the ground they had. "Lucky bundle of sticks and gristle up here is an easy carry," Greed continued. Ling made a face and was close to flicking Greed in the ears but realized that it would have the consequence of doing it to Lan Fan and stopped.

They had a flare or two but not knowing where the hell the others were put a damper on using them. It would let who was chasing them know their exact location and that was something to avoid. Bringing possibly more down on them after this group was not an intelligent move. 

Ling raised a hand and waved it like he was desperate to be called in class, trying to catch Greed's eye, "Emperor votes ambush!"

Greed rolled his eyes, "People who can't contribute to the ambush shouldn't get votes but yeah that's probably our best bet."

"You're lucky I’m electing to vote. I could just order it."

Greed looked around like he detected something faint and unintelligible, "Lan Fan you hear something?"

"No." She was busy trying to count exactly how many they might have to deal with in the near future. 

Doing what he did best, Greed went over what they had going for them, "Out here there's just occasional cottages and farmland, not great pickings for a spot for a siege." He took a survey of the terrain, a habit he snagged from Ling, "Coulda hotwired a car if we passed one of those but these mountain roads are such a hazard- doesn't seem like anyone bothers. Ling, we should fix the roads when we get back."

The dead weight on his back shifted as Ling popped his head up in interest, "Okay! You know infrastructure super good, Greed!" It looked like Ling was giving him the go ahead to make that into a later personal project. 

"Damn straight I do! Good infrastructure means good trade- which then means good shit moving into arm's reach!" Shifting Ling Greed scratched the bridge of his nose, “do you see why you all need me, Lan Fan? I don’t have to prove shit but I’m just gonna point at this situation and that you know I can actually get it done."

"You are a savior to fixing potholes everywhere- congratulations." 

"Thank You! You're fun when you're tired! You shouldn't sleep more often." He, and with the extension, she, felt better after a little sleep but they still weren’t wonderful. "Except unfortunately for us that means this ambush is gonna get interesting." Her count was at least two dozen and climbing, she’d have that in the bag on a good day but this was far from a good day. Greed kept it light, "You should come get plastered with us for afters, I haven't abused Ling’s liver in quite a bit!"

"Even with your ‘patch job’ on the hangover that was disgusting, I think I will pass." 

"Goodness gracious, that was the longest stretch I’ve been stone cold sober since Amestris," Greed realized. 

"Just two weeks?" she asked.

“Horror.” Greed assured. 

"I'm signing you two up for rehabilitation," she said, irritated. Greed may be able to fix it but it had to not be good for Ling in the long run. Ling groaned, why’d he have to get in trouble? He’d been fine lately! 

"We'll fight you on that won't we, Ling?" Greed was content to dig his heels in. Another reason he’d gone to get Ling was he was sorely in need of his drinking buddy. 

"Yep, will need to agree with Greed on that!" he told them both. He wasn't going to take away one of the best past times he'd discovered with Greed. "We’re doing the ambush by the way. I’m the strategist here. Greed, where you gonna put me?" Ling had been watching their verbal tennis match with great entertainment but he sadly had to bring up he was going to need to sit this one out.

Lan Fan and Greed really didn’t subscribe to the notion of Ling being their tactician but he needed something to do besides try to not bleed everywhere.

The earlier survey of what they had available was coming in handy already, "Uhhh what's safer, ditch or rock?" Greed asked. That was the pickle, it was easier to protect something when it was close by. Now that Ling was a removable part and Greed couldn’t drag him along that left him having to think about where he’d be runner up safest. What a pain. 

If her emperor wanted an ambush she would facilitate an ambush. "Can you still mask your chi, my lord?"

"Can I mask my chi?- Can Greed slam the better part of a keg in thirty five seconds?" Ling won out with the comparison and got Greed sincerely cracking up, shaking shoulders showing through in spite of Lan Fan’s overburdened expression.

"...I'm going to talk to Mei about monitoring your blood alcohol levels."

"Boooo- Fine,” Ling sighed hugely.

Greed echoed him, he used her chin to point to a few promising gullies in the ground near some tall pillar-like rocks, “I vote ditch, then. That's where we'll all end up if this goes sideways at any rate-” He dragged his eyes from the ditch to a more lofty view, “OH! HOW ABOUT A /TREE/!? That way Ling can watch!”

"...he will fall out." That was a horrible idea. Lan Fan had to hold on to him much more than he was holding on to her. If he fell off her back it was just a painful inconvenience.

"I WANNA WATCH!" Ling begged. 

"YOU. WILL. FALL. OUT. You cannot even hold your arms around our neck so we can jog- which is why you have been over our shoulders like we’re carrying you out of a burning building nearly this entire time!" she argued. Greed rubbernecked at her word choices.

"I WANNA WATCH, LAN FAN. I’M NOT MISSING THE COOLEST THING GOING TO NOT FALL OUT OF A TREE."

"Hey Ling, if you want I can tie you to a tree, we got rope." Of course Greed only facilitated the ease of things when it was to get a selfish request. Ling wanted to watch but Lan Fan understood Greed wanted him to watch. She desperately wanted to have her arms back so she could scream into her own hands.

"-TREE TREE TREE TREE-" 

She clenched her mouth shut so Greed couldn’t offer any more ‘helpful suggestions’.

-TREE TREE TREE TREE- 

It didn’t stop him from making sure she knew his whims. She was going to get more of a headache and she didn’t want to have to do an ambush with an accelerated headache. "I am picking the tree."

“Yaaay!” the current obligate ruler of millions cheered.

Alright! The then subjugator of thousands of souls (if Ling was to be believed) mimicked in enthusiasm. 

"Ling, you think it's cool?" Greed followed up, in reference to his powerset. He maintained he got a raw deal if he took into account the rest of his family. 

"Greed, you turn into something that would make most people faint with fear with magic and you got huge ass claws and you make Me do that and now I get to WATCH," Ling blinked at him, like it was an obvious thing. 

"Awww -” Greed went a bit sheepish, “enjoy watching the show while you can! That being said, only if Lan Fan is /interested/ in putting one on. Haven’t paneled her yet." Greed’s tone turned keenly suspicious midway through. Ling recognized the look of him gleaning a surface thought, “Hmm, if I didn’t know better I’d actually think she might think it a tiny iota cool as well. That can’t be right!” 

“He’s real in tune about junk about himself, Lan Fan. Greed- you told her that, right?” Ling asked, “Give her at least an illusion of privacy?”

“Yes I did! What kind of joint you think I’m running? Don’t YELL at me Lan Fan you thought it basically at me!” Greed squinted. He wasn’t used to getting torn in two directions quite like this. 

"I always put on a show. I just don't need an audience like some people," she sniffed.

Greed surfaced again, grinning at Ling’s knowing snickering, "People who use bombs want people to look. My way’s quiet as a church mouse till I start knocking down walls barehanded. Wearing some kinda theater mask that looks literally made for a performance?- Ya can’t lie to me about that."

“It is traditional wear!” She had not lied! Lan Fan had already inferred direct lies would be difficult to pull off if the other party wasn’t distracted by something else. It didn’t just apply to Greed. She was honest to a fault, it did not bother her.

Greed shrugged, moving Ling’s body a few inches up and down with the motion. Ling let out a little ‘oof’ of pain. Greed sucked his teeth, "Oop, sorry. ‘Life is a stage’, heard that once. You might as well put on a show if you’re up there. Your mask is nice but we got the best stage makeup in the house.” 

"Oh shut it, homunculus," her eyes were going to roll right out of her head. He was always loathsome but this was ridiculous. Could he be a little more careful? Her lord was not a downed sow they were bringing to sell.

Eats like a pig. "You're half of one right now, glass houses! I wasn’t kidding about that club membership. You’re in very good very small company." Greed perceived a storm brewing. Lan Fan pushed her sense of the pulse at him as a demonstrable time limit and conversation ender, batting it about their collective mind. 

He took the hint. "Okay so we are doing a tree drop. Thoughts on getting fancy for this run? Whatta ya feeling? Carbon and steel? We got grenades?-” His questions petered out half asked. 

"Save the grenades I only have twelve," she remarked, she didn’t like to waste a controlled resource. Greed could relate.

Lan Fan told him the pine directly ahead would 'suffice'. It was a beauty, a large skirt stretching way out with huge limbs all the way up out of view and what had to be nearly half a foot of dead needles layered under it.

"What're we saving them for, a fireworks show when we hit city limits? I kid, I kid." Greed told Ling to hold on tight and even injured he made a pretty good showing of actually clinging like normal. “Squirrel time. Let me do this part Lan Fan, I can get to the top of a good tree like this in no time flat. I fucking love trees.” 

Not even waiting a moment to hear her say she could climb a tree just as well Greed shot up the side of the thick pine like he was made for it. 

She shouted “Do not go to the TOP!-” but the view of the surrounding country rushed blurrily up to rest at the exposed tips of the highest part of the crown he could hang on and probably not snap the limbs he was grabbing clean off. 

“Seeeeee!”

“You were both moaning about not having a good view! He cannot even see through the branches up here and they are all Way Too Thin!” she cried. She wasn’t afraid of heights in the slightest but of what heights could do to Ling. 

“This'll hold, trees is sturdy,” Greed countered. He rattled a branch to show her that it was fine. 

Why was she trapped with the absolute dumbest people she had the burden to know? "My LORD, if you fall out I am not giving you a proper burial." The branch Greed had been shaking around abruptly snapped. 

“Want down a bit,” Ling decided, not disguising a nervous tint to the order while he stared at the splintered wood. 

“Okay /your majesty/.” Greed was tart, he didn’t partner up with cowards. 

"I have told you this before, that is not the insult you think it is when I actually am." 

Greed climbed down with more care and less speed than his upshot into the canopy. He found a caddy of three branches ringed by two others in almost a basket formation. Ling wasn't going anywhere in something like that. "There we go, how's this? Perfect seat. Choice array for taking a nap.” 

“We used to climb trees just like these all the time in the woods! Remember those days, Greed?” Ling nudged Lan Fan and by proxy the homunculus with nostalgia. Lan Fan matched up the timing and took some of the memories of Greed’s enjoyment to be within the same weeks as when she had left for Xing to lay low and get her new arm. Greed wanted to ask her about what had happened with that but she left him off and told him it was not the time. (It hurt. It was boring.)

"What did you even offer him to get his.... Cooperation?" Lan Fan knew much of the story but as she retroactively learned more about those months from them both- Greed’s changeover from reluctant side switcher to active participant moved up earlier and earlier in her personal timeline.

"Half the country! You knew that!" Ling said. 

She hadn’t known it was so -early-. What had Greed even done in the first place to inspire Ling to do that?

"Woulda got him home on that and then if it didn't work out we woulda thought of something?' Ling took that special vapid look of 'luck will win out for me and also I like my plans fast and loose'. It wasn't one thing Greed had done but more an assortment of little things.

She took the rope she had just in case he needed an extra hand hold but Greed’s new spot regretfully looked adequate even without it. "My lord, I already had a stone before the… events of that day played out.” 

She worked to install him securely. Ling smiled up at her while she tied a few knots, “Good cause I wasn't sure how we were gonna get him out if need be!” Ling had bet a lot on Greed actually being decent but his upbringing dictated betrayal wasn’t entirely off the table in any situation.

"Could have probably sold it as if you use the stone you contract Demons, and me as an example if it had fallen that way. I hadn't thought it out that far yet. It would have at least warded people off wanting one? Maybe?" Ling thought about it further and pursed his lips, "would've had to fight for the throne. But on the other hand I would have been immortal!" 

Too many variables, it was best it had split the way it had. "Really didn’t wanna .... start ...my reign as a possessed despot that stole the throne. Woulda been hard for me to win progress." He emphasized 'start' and de-emphasized 'despot'. "Would have had to drag it outta everyone kicking and screaming. A pastime in cooperation which, by then, I was Real done with having to do." 

“So you're saying I was good practice, then?” Greed asked. Ling implying he had an idea to maybe exorcise him even while offering the country kind of amazed him. It was also amazing how honest Greed could be about his motives when they were used to annoy someone else.

Ling tossed a bit of loose bark at him, “Shut up.”

"Interestingly sad that it is hard to have to worry constantly about your livelihood and future on the whims of a functional child," Lan Fan said while finishing tying the rope as an extra precaution, avoiding his middle and instead making it into a loop to put a foot through. If Ling somehow fell he'd dangle from an ankle. It was the best idea she had. 

OHHHH, GET HIM! GET HIM! 

Greed still felt a little sorry about causing Ling actual discomfort but he couldn't resist her choosing to deal a killing blow without a peep of prior encouragement from him.

Lan Fan would always serve her majesty in all things. Her oaths were unbending, but she could, possibly, be just a little angry at this whole thing like Ling was angry about Greed punching and lying to him. A perennial sort of anger. It had all worked out (of course it did! … current situation notwithstanding!) but ugghhhh! 

Ling took her knock like a champion, daily verbal debasement from the other present party would make someone grow a skin as thick as a rhino but he still sulked. "You put her up to being mad at me!" He blamed Greed. Lan Fan /never/ got mad at him for /anything/!

"Nope! All you! Didn't even remind her, she brought it up on her own. I was an evil homunculus, Lan Fan here,” he used both hands to point to her, “wanted to save her country. So what was your excuse for acting like you do?" Modest and demure didn't belong on Greed's face but in the spirit of mockery he could pull a lot of things off.

"I WAS FIFTEEN!"

Greed tsked, pulling their bag forward while holding on to the tree with his legs "Lan fan was -Youn-Ger-!"

In fact, Greed recalled Mei was even younger than both of them. But she didn't count. She had brains. Their triad most likely had a singular functional brain between them and Greed found himself using it the most.

Greed handed Ling some food after digging around in the bag. "Okay invalid, here's a bag of snacks cause Lan Fan insists, I MERELY SUGGESTED-, cause she insists. Need anything else 'fore we go wreck shop?"

"Have fun," Ling said wistfully. Watching with snacks was great but getting to tag team? That was a hugely missed precious opportunity.

"Always do!" Greed got that Ling was upset over missing out, it had crossed his mind that he didn't get to have fighting with Ling without being /with/ Ling and was similarly disappointed. "Oh please, we'll be doing something like this together in like less than a month. You're the one always griping at me to share more. Lan Fan’s turn."

"But that's my fun!" Ling griped, but he looked more cheerful than a moment before.

"See now THAT'S something I would say! Lan Fan, anything to add?" 

"Sit tight. Do not fall off. Do not come down until we get you or I will kill us all,” she explained calmly. “If you die before I pass this sleaze off I swear to everything Greed owns, which I will smash first, that I will drag you back from hell myself, and then put Greed in Edward because I think that is his version of hell." 

"Ed's or Greed's?" Ling questioned, not taking her totally seriously. He could tell Greed was nervous but he smartly kept quiet on exactly how much the threat made him nervous. 

"Both."

"He /did/ give you two a name, didn't he? Was it Leed?"

"No, and I cannot decide if your guess is worse or better," Lan Fan interjected.

"We all survive long enough and you can ask him yourself! He's got shit taste- why not give me the top billing?" Greed crossed his arms with a huff dramatically, "Alright, no more shitting around, sit tight, enjoy the show, and don't die or Lan Fan'll kill me!" Greed waved and fell backward off the branch, loosing a quick ‘wheee’ of mirth as he fell. He tucked and pulled off a few rotations before he hit the ground, delighting in the movement. His old body was no slouch with the athletics but both of his new ones were much more agile. 

Ling pouted fully now that his bully and protector was gone, "I wanna jump off a high dangerous place but I’m too ‘deathly injured’. This is so lame. Why does Greed always get to jump off the dangerously high place at a dramatic time and have the fun? Not fair!”

-

The set stood up from their earth cracking landing. Both were able to focus more now that Ling was as safe as they could make him for the moment. They both emphatically ignored that the other was relieved over that fact. 

Whaddaya’ say we have ourselves some good fun if for no other reason than to taunt Ling with later?  With no Ling to actively bother in his proximity Greed went back to speaking with only his mind. Before their company came he thought that it would be good to get back in the habit. The skill was indispensable mid-combat. He waved up at Ling from the ground and Ling reluctantly waved back. They could barely see him through the thick cover with the browns and blacks of his clothes and they knew exactly where he was. 

Lan Fan commented that he should dress that way more often when he wasn’t in the palace, it was good for actually having a fighting chance at /not/ drawing unwanted attention. Greed shot that right down.  You know he’d rather die first. 

_Phrasing._

It was so true he couldn’t /not/ say it.  Now, these guys will purportedly be looking for something a little closer to my mug, if you’d like? 

_..how long can you hold it up? I… might want to wait until they are a bit closer._ She checked how close they were, _we have maybe...five minutes, tops, before they show up._

She hadn’t said no again! This game of no absolutes was very fun and Greed enjoyed playing it. 

Lan Fan didn’t like cutting something where there were a lot of variables to take into account so close. They wouldn’t have only five minutes left if they weren’t messing with the goddamn tree. 

Wanna do stretches? My neck pops aren’t only to be threatening. A mean one gets the blood flowing! 

He took her into a handstand just to play, (also because Ling was watching) shifting from holding himself up with one arm to the other. Perfect form, I know 'cause I’m perfect! 

An outsider (or even Lan Fan to some extent) would assume that Greed playing meant that he wasn’t taking the threat seriously. On some level he wasn’t, Lan Fan might not have it in the bag -on her own- but she wasn't on her own. Most other levels he was extremely ready to deal with what they had on their plate with a violence of the topmost excessivity. 

Looking at it objectively, Lan Fan was able to make the distinction that Greed had brought her to use a bit more force than was necessary a few times already. Relating to Greed at all was hard but given the exact reason why he’d maybe influenced her was an affair they never butted heads over. 

This whole scenario was already so personal but to have the /audacity/ of trying to break his stuff REPEATEDLY- How unconscionable! Greed was trying his best not to let his temper show. He was ticked the fuck off about this whole thing but it was counterproductive to have Lan Fan feel that negativitiy if he could help it. It was just with him taking a special exception to blow everything all to hell and people having the GALL not to get the message and come after them? Then a seCOND TIME AS /WELL/? 

Oh, /OHHH/! WAS HE /LIVID/! TO SURVIVE THE WARNING AND COME BACK? HOW DARE-?

“GREED! QUIT GOOFING AROUND,” yelled Ling from the top of the tree, disrupting Greed from working himself into a lather. 

Greed turned around to clap eyes on Ling’s rough location. “STOP YELLIN’ YOU'LL GIVE YOUR POSITION UP! YOU’RE JUST JEALOUS!" he hollered back.

_I hate you both, I hate you both so much._

They could distantly hear the raspberry that was Ling’s only rejoinder.

Oh he’s so fucking jealous. 

Lan Fan did not understand what he was so jealous over. She’d rather be in the tree, or moreover not doing this at all. 

But you’re so lucky? 

She stared flatly at nothing while they had nothing better to do than wait. 

\----------

They really didn’t have any allegiances to speak of, their group was made up of a few different enlistments from the underbelly that was shot through the country like a line of ore through a mine. They had picked /their/ mine because their largest and most established force was a group of mercenaries that had a nice little out of the way set up that nobody had come to fuck with in months. It would be a great quiet place to bring their prize. They didn’t need anyone sticking their nose into their business or having any idea where he had gone. 

They didn't have a name they were working under. Names were good to get attributed to deeds but after they were done with this, why even bother? Their group would disband and all would go their separate ways. Before bagging the actual honest to god emperor there was a significant amount of unrest among the conglomeration. They had spent the very early days picking at each other and jostling for inter-group supremacy. Maybe there were a few fatal accidents, it was the dangers of the job. Most were well paid loners or small groups that were used to working in tandem with very few other people or under their own direction. This situation grated but the money was too damn good to turn down. The money was way too damn good to even listen to the nebulous bad feeling some of them had coming into this.

Their itinerary began as a total trainwreck. Their first act in working together was immediately losing a large handful of expendables going after Yao’s father, their previous ruler, and finding out the hard way that it was true that he couldn’t die. Yao had accounted for that fact that they all still could with his overblown traps. Wrecking the place to ash, or at least having the order in place for his guards to do so, he brushed off their advance in a straightforward almost insulting way. Then, in a true comedy of errors, they tried an off-the-cuff plan in inspiration of that explosion to scare Yao or test his defenses and it ended up /working/. When they actually made it back to their base of operations a few superiors were so surprised they weren’t lying, (yes they had him in the back of the cart, yes alive, go and fucking look!), they damn near lost it right there. 

Their goals were varied; a few had been hired to get a stone or at least information about it, a couple to investigate the emperor himself. They were already being paid to destabilize the country by taking away the one who’d been ‘fixing’ it without unseating anything else. There were many parties interested in tarnishing the Yao name in just such a way. The spiral would make sure that not only his name but the policies he was trying to uphold would be thoroughly ruined. They were halfway to a good coup just doing that. People loved a good coup! Getting on the leading edge of one of those was a great way to make a shiny bit of cash. 

They had spoken amongst themselves of ways to make more cash on their end. Ransom was possibly on the table? A few had been talking about it. It wasn’t often an emperor was the prize to be auctioned off to the highest bidder! The old bastard before Yao had held onto his seat for a damn long time. Enough time to father the requisite amount of heirs. Before him there were some dozen that didn't make it months or weeks into their rules. Portraits had to be painted posthumously. 

The group was pretty amazed to have even got him? Attempts to hurt, kidnap, or even kill the guy were weekly if they were slow and all had been turned away with enough aptitude that it started to be apparent that cursorily trying was a waste of time. 

At first they weren’t sure why a few medically ‘morally grey’ professionals had been hired and were waiting back at their base but by day two on the road they saw the emperor was at least in a coma. They’d earn their pay in some way. Later of course they found out he /faked/ that coma- medically, and confirmed that (among a lot of other evidence) this broken ruler was a lot more abnormal than they thought. 

He had those weird teeth, and those eyes. The one that knew some medical shit they had brought on the road (enough to make sure he didn’t die on them) told them that ‘somethin’ wasn’t right’ with his insides, too. As long as they could make these things into a good pitch to some rich medical enthusiasts (obsessives) it would work out well enough.

They got back, threw him to their quacks that had washed out of medical school to pursue more lucrative positions and realized from all the letters coming in with conflicting directives that this operation was ruined for further coherency.

Some of the smarter ones knew that this was a money only gig, the rich bastards that hired them had no actual stock in results. They were just there to keep the pressure on and remind everyone that the commerce guilds did not lack teeth. Of course that led to hiring a lot of talent but not actually grasping how to give any competent direction. Conceited old money.

How were they supposed to get anything done when the higher ups all were saying different shit! Too many fucking cooks! A small handful took their down payments and ran the second the group that brought the emperor crossed the threshold, realizing they were in over their heads. 

There were multiple demands for verbal information, which- how were they supposed to get anything from a man in a damned coma!? Then they got told ‘wake him’. Someone didn’t need to be any kind of doctor to know that it didn’t work like that but it didn’t stop their doctors from shrieking and throwing things at the suggestion. It was hard enough to keep everything about Yao stable in a literal hole in the ground with an unreliable power supply and what was most absolutely stolen medical equipment. 

But orders were orders. They tried things to wake him up- A lotta things, actually. When that didn’t work some of their team shifted to the original order centering around experimentation. Much of it was inconclusive, to the ire of anyone there with half a brain.

Those that didn’t possess even half got their laughs in for fun, or a grudge. Their emperor hadn’t been making crime easy. They wanted him looking presentable (ish) for ransom later so there was a ban on taking random souvenirs. At least nothing that couldn’t be easily grown back or replaced.

Oddly, besides the people that had to be there or had some idle fleeting curiosity they left Yao largely alone. People refused to guard him in anything less than teams. They had cited that he could wake up at any time but those that ordered saw in those they ordered the telltale air of a baser form of cowardice. Word of mouth said the guy was ‘spooky’.

After the explosion, seeing in the clearing smoke that Yao was not only there, prone on the ground, but not a corpse, they grabbed him and got the hell out of the city fast. They could send a few quick missives on the road to the relevant people after they were well on their way. Before they threw him into the cheap wagon they spent the majority of the journey transporting him they had cleaned him up some, for the infection. There had to be the threat of infection, him being wounded to such a degree. Everyone present had scars and could attest a sucker like that would pick up some shit up faster than dropped sugar attracts ants. Except that it hadn’t, which was a minor curiosity before they even got to the other stuff. A full three days of travel, getting tossed around in the back of a wagon, Yao should have been in worse shape.

Not to say he wasn’t in a bad way - heavy explosions weren’t as clean as a nice sharp blade. Their emperor was a ragged mess, total mincemeat. Someone had held up a roadmap and likened it to their cargo which had got them all laughing. 

They hadn’t been Trying to kill him right away but they also had heard he was hard to harm so they toed that line a bit more than they might have otherwise. Maybe they cut it a bit closer to what a regular person would die from, just to be safe. After that shit with his father they weren’t gonna scrimp. It was another miracle it looked like what they did didn't hit anything important. It was a total stroke of luck that they balanced things out right and didn't just sever his torso completely!

One of the men that had actually helped set the explosion also knew the most about medical techniques among them (he said they were similar dispositions). He’d been the one to stop the blood flow while they were racing out of the city and a few times when they weren’t very careful lugging him around. He’d also been the one to bring up the question on day two as to why the emperor wasn’t dying. He wasn’t /that/ good. 

Yao wasn’t really living either. Structurally, besides just doing the bare minimum to stay alive, he wasn’t doing much of anything. It was almost a stasis and so it became a medical interest. They stopped trying to make conditions any better to preserve this weird state, keeping any aid minimal, figuring it might mean something to somebody and also not really caring one way or the other. 

People who could put themselves into a coma, or whatever kind of stasis this was, did exist but they didn't think the emperor was one. He had enough wrong with him to facilitate it being totally natural, and his time in their stewardship had not been kind to him. 

Their doctors readily provided a systematic medical history:

Ling Yao had a clipped side, the spleen was straight gone, broken ribs- all understandable given the magnitude of the blast.

His other side sported a few cracked ribs, probably from the concussive part and actual landing. Bruises stippled much of his exposed flesh in addition to scrapes and some negligible surface grazes. There was some fluid in the lungs but not much all things considered. Their medics said it was harder to check for a concussion but blood on the brain would show itself after a week so probably not. He even had a turned ankle. A true head to toe medical checklist. Nobody was saying he hadn’t got it bad, it was just considering how much he had taken he should have got it worse. 

It took nearly a week to notice, but he wasn’t healing right. The ridge of his eye on the side of his head that had most likely hit the ground was swollen (or broken?) but that went away too quick. The surface stuff, while the most visually grabbing wasn’t all that interesting medically but the fact that it was all roughly in the same condition after days was. The bleeding had stopped on its own, the bruising was going away at a slow but normal pitch. Coughing up blood would be right on the money for this type of wound but it was entirely missing. Their meal ticket was actually breathing well even with the ribs (healing well despite the lack of attention) making it hitched. A severely turned ankle back to rights in a week was ‘off’. Certain things had gotten noticeably better every day. 

If they didn't know any better it was almost prioritized. But that was a foolish notion. It did not stop them from taking notes.

They knew the stories, something had left a mark. To those that could see and also See, that hole in him looked like a yawning pit. Two of the men who’d captured him wouldn’t even get near him. Another had joked, ‘what, it wasn’t like he was contagious?’ which went over like a lead balloon. 

A marvel or a stroke of extreme luck, a family trait or just some kind of one off thing- the agreement was that he /should/ be dead. They were glad he wasn’t- it left options. But he should be. 

So still and quiet in that dark room. Not getting any better but not getting any worse. Their operation may have not come together or continued to operate under the best circumstances but they were not blind, nor dumb. They all had different methods of expertise and the feeling of being Watched was something you learn to pick up on to be hirable more than once.

Nobody liked it. Some took more offense than others. 

-

Their fracturing peace and inconclusive notation left everyone stiff and hard to deal with as time passed. As if he smelled that it would be the exact wrong time the bastard they held chose just then to wake up. Then they couldn’t shut him up! 

If it was just the fact that he was hard to get information out of it would be one thing. Hard nuts to crack came often in their line of work. A full day of asking after a few things wasn’t even out of the realm of possibility for professionals. It was that, broken and barely able to even move, he /mocked/ them the entire time. They thought he was shattered with despair but most times he could barely keep a smile off his face. He /joked/. Terribly. 

It was the last straw. They were waiting on a final message to come through that their financiers better massively increase their pool or they were going to at the very LEAST throw the waste of space and medical supplies into the nearest moving vehicle to sell. If someone didn’t accidentally kill him first. 

Night fell, Yao had till dawn. They had the emperor in their clutches and by some of the tone of the messages they had already gotten some people were realizing rather than have a hold over them their bunch had the bigger bargaining chip. 

Drunk on those ideas or simply drunk they whittled away the evening until some… kind of THING came to tear much of their base and many of their people to absolute shreds. More hearsay that had proved itself to be regretfully true.

A lot openly left even as that thing was working its way to where the smart ones knew the prize lay. There was no other reason something like that had shown itself but to come and get the disaster that had been a thorn in their sides for days. 

At the end of the day they were just on a glorified payroll of people who had too much stock in funds and not enough in practicality. If someone smelled smoke and heard screaming then who was to say what would be the right course of action after that? They’d regroup, probably, and there would be less people to split the pot with. 

The cache of information that they had collected- that they would not be compensated for until it was in the right hands, was gone. Only word of mouth was left. No money, no equipment, no base. Not even the guilds that had put up the money liked to be spit on by having such a huge win slip away laughing the entire time so there would likely be a new pot to draw from. 

Their fracturing reached a high pitch after the dust (soot really) had settled. Many wanted revenge. Revenge was probably the most popular, second only to money. Some still wanted to be paid and whether that was through ransom or what they had been hired for would depend on their mood.

It was the agreed upon aim to take the emperor alive if they could. The real aim, between more than half of them was- by now? After getting everything they’d worked for literally blown to hell? Losing the main arm of their forces? If Yao wasn’t alive after that revenge had been exacted nobody would complain. 

It was just one presumed monster on foot, with a possibly dying man to take care of. It was total bull is what it was. It could very well just be a skilled assassin in some face paint and stage makeup. They had already made the emperor of all of /Xing/ bleed and now he was on the run. They could handle this in a similar fashion.

Maybe they could sell his corpse to a lab for dissection or something, his body was weird enough, there was probably something there. If they all attacked together they could take that disgusting thing that had only won by getting the jump on them!

They were stronger.


	15. Omelets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone has had enough with various adversaries. Big showdown imminent!

Greed guessed it was ‘good’ Ling had been in a coma. It was smart. Ling was good at that kind of thing, coming up with a plan on the fly and sticking with it even if the chips went way down. It was a solid defense. Greed could recognize a type of siege when he saw one. He really couldn’t be dissatisfied with Ling for not getting out of a labyrinth filled with so many people looking like he did. Sitting tight while they searched him out was a good approach… him trusting that they were okay to eventually do so was /also/ good. Ling might have been able to pull off leaving under his own power but if they hadn’t cleaned up and made sure that the base was firmly an unusable memory they would have had to deal with even more attention later. 

What was a great thing about doing your own scutwork was there was no loose end. Coming to get Ling on a smash and grab was annoying as hell but it was also nice and tidy. People were out there always asking who hired whom when things went down. It was exactly how they found Ling! 

The rich were always so willing to defer their duties to someone else but these middle guys were always the weakest links! There were a lot of good strokes of luck with this whole horrible road trip but if Greed had learned anything in the months he'd been back it was just let whatever higher power that loved the hell out of Ling do their work. They could have been luckier, he supposed, if he could think selfishly for a moment. (Easily). If Ling's captors hadn't jumped him and Ling at exactly the right time? If the circumstances lining up for getting Ling out of the city weren't just so? If Greed himself had been only knocked out rather than knocked out /of/? 

Regardless, he and the very celebrated Lan Fan would tear through these leavings like the paper in an inner door.

  
  


On her own terms Lan Fan wasn't much concerned with the whys of things but she had already told Greed exactly what she wished to do with annoying bugs. 

If Greed had to put a finger on it, or more accurately a carbon coated claw, this attack had to be the guilds finally realizing that Ling wasn't just a dumb little figurehead that would get killed off by his family. Xing's political side might be a fucking mess but their commerce arm was powerful enough to make up for the lack. While the future ‘ruler’ was being chosen they worked from behind the scenes maneuvering support to chosen children or simply governing by the method that 'talked' more than laws; gobs and gobs of money.

Greed knew forcing Ling's hand on opening the country way faster than planned through all the blowback was making half of them flip out. Some institutions wouldn't experience much difference no matter what happened. Agricultural pursuits for instance were too local in many respects to be bothered by imports and new blood. Mostly the people that stood to lose the most were the underground; those benefiting from scarcity on imports. Greed already knew they were having a conniption.

The money was too good for sense.

That same monopoly was strangling things, making what goods came in be less than good. With the lack of competition anyone selling anything touchy could freely say 'take it or leave it'. Certain people had gotten really lazy off of situations like these and it was difficult to ease them off it without just busting open the country and having them pick up after.

This kind of thing was what happened when one didn't diversify. Greed understood it, he really did. Make your coin and always scrabble for more. But- the second Ling got home and announced his intentions anyone smart should have known shit was gonna change. They should have been investing in other things the second that kid got sworn in. It took Ling months to negotiate any sort of trade agreement at all. Almost till Greed himself was back! Ample time! Anyone dumb enough to stick to what they were doing deserved to get their hands slapped.

Ling hadn't originally wanted to focus on trade so early but he called it another 'hunch'. New money meant new ideas. A lot of their more base practices wouldn't stand to the scrutiny of the rest of the world. There was no way to in fight when there was no 'In' to fight in.

A nice benefit of the sledgehammer approach.

With all that happening chosen people probably got it in their heads the emperor needed to like, 'Go'. While foul play was commonplace, it usually came from Within the court. However, those types of contracted attempts from brothers or sisters, even the occasional cousin, had actually dropped off a lot! Greed was very satisfied with his work in that area.

The guilds had noticed. They may have been not tied to royalty by anything but purse strings and promises but they were integral to the political engine. They had the idea that the political engine best served when it was half choking fighting itself when it wasn't working for their own ends. It paid to have these royals tractable. 

These guilds wanted to know just what the hell was going on. Actual reform couldn't be passed! Laws couldn't be carried out and upheld! Even as Yao spoke at the tables they would meet around, various masters would eye each other in actual confusion.

Besides giving his own clan a little bias, letting the Yao merchants come on the up and up after he got crowned, Ling had been very equal-handed as long as everyone did what he asked. (Not ordered, asked. Lan Fan had been on him for the distinction.) Ling knew to treat people how he wanted to be treated until they needed to get punished, another lesson learned from bickering with a monster.

His own large clan took a run at him immediately with 'HEY, WE’RE FAMILY', the guilds within begging for ease of commerce. He didn't like to swallow the bitter pill that was their lack of any real support until he actually made something of himself but it would also allow him to keep a hand on the back of their necks. So fine. They backed the winning horse, they could reap a reward.

‘We always knew you were the one!’, no they goddamn didn’t. Ling had more support from a sin monster idly asking him how he was gonna change Xing and backhandedly offering his own opinions (that had merit?) while they hid out in a forest. 

\----------

"...One minute out." Lan Fan sounded like she was suffering so pitifully when she gave him a reminder. Greed thought Ling could whine but her frustration was so damn close to it he almost did a double take.

Ling's got his luck but we'll have to make up for the lack with skill. He's like a damn rabbit's foot. 

He stopped to mull on it,  that's a lucky thing. 

_We have that here._

Sometimes you don’t! Superstitions aren’t as widespread as other stuff, like how that little monster yelled at me for just trying to cut up a pear. Back to other things that don’t make a lot of sense, I still ain't fully sure he's totally human. Ling I mean. 

Every time Greed started to think about whatever the hell caught his fancy Lan Fan felt herself dragged along like getting stuck in a riptide. Her lord never seemed bothered by it, or at least he never mentioned the problem to her. She did not know Ling's mind in the unfortunate way she now knew Greed's but by how he acted and spoke perhaps their minds were similarly prone to such diversions.

So I'm thinking you can keep the left arm, I'll take the right, and legs go fifty fifty? 

Could they actually see what they were up against? 

That was fair. They could do that. Things like that might be a little advanced for new students.  Suiting up now? 

Why did it even have to be an appeal? Lan Fan fully comprehended that if she said no she'd have to battle (two) waves of disappointment. She almost wanted to say something along the lines of 'like she could stop him', but- she could. Moving her body and being a nuisance were other arguments but changing something wasn't something Greed would ignore her 'no' on. Even if it was...beneficial.

_Just do it._

With pleasure! Greed started with the extremities as was routine. Not having to do one arm was throwing him off. "Beneficial", don't make me laugh—you want this too. Can't hide that crap either Ms. Thinks-I'm-Cool. 

There was some distant clapping and hooting coming from the only tree they cared about as sparks started to form.

 _He really can be insufferable._ What was the point of hiding him if he was going to start treating this like it was a spectator sport?

You're just not used to having a pocket cheering squad of one, really spices up a fight! Speaking of spices, it looks like we're about to start cooking. We really get going like this we can spit steam, think you remember? It's real showy- let's shoot for that! Ling'll cry for ages he missed out! 

They did indeed start gushing steam and in the full daylight, sun filtering through the cloud, it looked very threatening. Indistinct but still audible, Greed thought he could pick up on some words in the angry grousing from high up. 

OH I CAN HEAR HIM BEING WRETCHED! You got good ears! 

As Greed focused he could absolutely make out; "-stupid freaking homunculus, leaves for two weeks and takes a nap and leaves me to the elements and goes off and has a vacation- AND THE STEAM-! That's cool! I hate it so much that I'm up here!" as well as various other demanding outcries that had even less articulation. 

Got some good background music going.  Lan Fan was aware of how deep Greed's amusement over Ling's distress ran as they made the changeover from skin to stone but it wasn’t meanly skewed, for once.  Normally he's here ordering me around and ‘helping’. 

“Augh the /claws!/ That looks absolutely fashionable! Do I look that cool? I bet I do, WHAT- WHY THEY GOT KNUCKLE DUSTERS? I DIDN'T KNOW HE COULD DO THAT, WHAT THE HELL!! YOU BEEN HOLDING OUT?”

Forgot! Boy's got good eyesight! Lan Fan didn’t need to specifically request that newer addition to Greed’s arsenal for it to appear. He wanted Ling to see as well. Why get anything new if you can’t show it off? The tacit agreement was that Lan Fan would take this new threat but Greed still stole a moment to throw his arms out to the sides, fingers stiff and very sharp. It couldn’t be construed as anything but an extremely self-indulgent pose. Ling knew this as well considering Lan Fan heard “You HAM!” emanate from the cluster of branches they left him. 

Greed tested his claws out on a few low hanging pines and close at hand rocks before distancing himself, just so Ling got a real good look. Lan Fan nudged him on, less rudely and more wanting to finish what they started but Greed took a moment more to bow low. Overtly western, with a flourish, more for a stage than any fealty. 

“REALLY? BOWS? NOT GONNA THROW MY SNACKS— BUT I'LL THROW PINE NEEDLES!” Ling yelled. Greed’s mask wasn’t made for specific expressions but Ling knew a shit eating grin when he saw it, especially from that bastard.

Ling hated how much Greed’s bullshitting was working! He knew just how many flips Greed could pull off on his own and it was not that fucking many. Lan Fan had to be enabling him, too! God DAMN it! 

Greed moved quickly to a clearing but managed to not only flip more than a few times but flip Ling a bird as well. 

“I SAW THAT you /stinking DOG/. Don’t forget- that's MY homunculus, Lan Fan! Don’t you break him!” Pine needles rained down but they were too light and the thrower a touch too weak to get them any real distance away. 

“If they steal my cool pose standing on the bodies from Central I'm Rioting. I’ll SUE,” Ling bellyached.

-

The force that was making the biggest mistake of their very short lives was not wasting time with hiding their intentions, choosing instead to rush them down in a large group. Greed saw quite a few heads dot their eye line. Convenient! Finally, something nice and direct! Going to ferret rodents out of tunnels was diverting but this was just so much easier. This notion came more from Lan Fan than Greed but he could absolutely agree with it.

There were a lot more than Greed initially thought, a half dozen turned to a full, to double that and a bit more. This looked like a final push. 

As their attackers actually got within eyeshot and saw that it probably wasn’t a person they were fighting, some, but less than Greed and Lan Fan thought, flinched back or got careful. They let others who hadn’t stopped to stare fall on their blades first.

It was a little harder for Lan Fan to move with the extra armor. She made up for it in being able to throw herself harder, using gravity against the people that rushed her in the leading edge of the large group. The whole force ringed her but some were smart enough not to rush in and complicate matters with too many bodies, seeing what she could do. These were pissed off professionals. It was too bad they were out of their league. 

Suitors! Greed chuckled. 

She ran someone through and tossed him to the side much less carefully than her bag. Kicking out she downed another to the ground and kneed him in the face, feeling the bones move even in the brief contact. Her arm lashed out with it’s own authority to slash a deep graze at someone coming from her left. She blasted a kick so hard at two more the first fell into the second and they went down into a struggling pile. 

Get that guy, pick him up by his face! Yes, you’re plenty strong, I made sure to do that too! 

She did pick one up by only his head, metal arm that she didn’t disguise digging into his cheeks, his eyes dinner plates with fear and surprise. His feet weren’t fully off the ground like they would be if Greed was with Ling but the effect was similar. She tossed the trash some distance away. She did feel stronger, she probably would have had to use both arms before. 

(Ling distantly screamed in outrage.)

Gotta support the bone structure somehow so I don’t snap shit in half when I use my own arms as weapons. Why do you think when we come home we eat enough to kill someone and then pass out? 

Not much time had passed, seconds maybe. It was always hard to track in the thick of it. She broke someone’s arm, maybe a woman by the scream. Lan Fan backed up a few feet to draw more in and so no one would get behind her. Taking stock she could see some of her ‘suitors’ had finally all produced weapons. Some had come unarmed! Now they were un-armed.

Greed got more excited than he already was,  HA! Now the ball is really in your court! Take that sword slash- don't dodge it, you don't need to! 

She placed some confidence in that he loved his right to brag and let the sword coming at her hit her right in the side even though everything in her screamed to twist away. She felt a crunch and the first foot of it break right off in a shooting arc. Greed practically jumped for joy,  Love the look on their face. It's always so /good/!  She also didn’t hate the astonished terror that she spotted before she knocked the useless hilt out of the advancing man’s hand. Whipping around at a scream that she didn’t think she had caused she saw the point that had sailed off had embedded itself in someone else’s shoulder. Greed couldn’t help himself from pumping an actual fist in relish. 

FUCKING NICE. LOVE IT. LOVE TO SEE IT. 

Even though he hadn’t gotten to do it himself, being with her as Lan Fan did it and being able to still hear Ling categorically yowling in exclusion was fantastic. 

So that thing—when you killed Gluttony, the thing where you did a forced body slam from the skull down to the ground?-!  He prompted, he didn’t know how she did it and he wanted to see it again. She was too busy to tell him no, already up in the air from launching off someone’s shoulders. Might as well.

Lan Fan pulled it off, knowing that she could come down harder than ever and not feel it in her healed arm like she had before.  YES! THANK YOU! THAT IS SUCH A GOOD MOVE! 

She didn’t need the praise. The percolating joy was distracting. 

Get down low, go for their hammies, that's the way. Pardon me- let me just- - He surged forth for a beat and popped up, grabbing one of the group by their arms, harder and messier. Using the momentum he did a full rotation and tossed the body at another,  and there you go. I hit a guy with another guy! Once they're down just try to toss ‘em towards the stack, Ling'll hate it. 

While she took care of a few more and the remaining got more and more agitated Greed did jump in at intervals to collect the bodies together. He liked to clean up when it was for things like this. 

Dagger! She ripped it right out of the person’s hand while mashing their wrist.  Give me that. Please, please- let me see. Greed used her arm to flick their borrowed weapon directly into the meat of a fleeing man’s ass, right where the thigh started. He fell with a high pitched yelp. Lan Fan expected that had been Greed’s aim when he’d taken her arm. 

See, it’s mean because while that probably won't kill him, he won't be able to sit with half an ass and that brings me joy. Thoughts were always fast and Lan Fan appreciated in the milliseconds she had between her actions that she could tell Greed exactly how much she did not care. 

Are you good with chi enough that if someone sneaks behind you you can get them with the automail without turning? I've always wanted to do that! An opportunity for just such an action presented itself while she paused in the throng to hear Greed’s question. _Who do you think I even am?_ Lan Fan accused, drawing her elbow and blade back from under the ribs of the person they were jammed through. 

SORRY FOR ASKING, MA'AM. He’d salute but she had her hands full.

If Greed couldn’t help his anger spilling over it was even worse with his delight. Enjoying simple things like her agility in a massacre like this made each one he participated in special in it's own way.

You saw us blow up that car in Central, right? That was that fight's highlight for me! What a time! Oh that was vicious, heard that crunch!- Skulls shouldn’t be that easy to bash, should they? Lan Fan thought. It felt like cheating. 

Let’s see, let’s see, some two dozen and now six- how we break a lot of eggs. Greed’s count was right. There were only six left upright. One was holding their arm funny, but they were standing so Greed counted it. The grass and rocks around them were slick with gore. Red may be her favorite color but Lan Fan found the application here distasteful. 

It's all comin’ back to the eggs love that cyclical arc shit. A wide crimson circle, sort of lopsided with the slope they were on with a monster in the middle. Lan Fan’s fists balled but not to threaten the last six who were left, only her passenger.

Not often I get to make a snake eating its own tail reference with any real sense of truth to it but when it comes I'm legally obligated to take it, he explained, batting away her threat. The circle hadn’t been super intentional but as he started to make it and knew Ling had the elevation to see the effect he did work her toward the middle. It was quieter now that there were only seven (ish) people left standing. Low groaning and gasping from a few on the ground the only noise. Ling was smart not to scream though Greed knew deep down that his teeth were grating together. Greed smiled with his own. 

What you think Lan Fan, chicken or the egg? I say egg.  She cocked a hip in a taunt to the rest that had ringed her, twitching two metal fingers in ‘come on’. Greed hadn’t told her to do that. He hadn’t even thought about it. He hadn’t even thought to think about it. Ling fainted a lot but Greed was just about to from only euphoria. A first. 

He kept it reserved, totally cool, Oh we’re busy. Forgive me, I get distracted. Usually I'm the one busting more heads. The last six descended upon them at once, most likely knowing by the state of the others that twos and threes were not going to be enough. Their force wouldn’t be enough either— but it was cute. 

Greed extended himself again, brushing past the line that was between her and him.  Let me take that one, thank You! He shoulder bashed into a hulking smelly guy, knocking him off balance even with the weight and height discrepancy. He came down hard on the guy’s arm, shucking the armor like a crab leg with the points of his hand. He’d been maybe forgetting that he was supposed to let her take the lead, doing a few things surreptitiously in the heat of the moment. Forgetting could absolutely happen. It absolutely wasn’t premeditated that he wanted to use her arm and his claw in just such a way since a few minutes of being with her, no.  -And a /twist/ like so!-  The man roared in pain, thrashing even as Greed held on to his very broken shoulder.  That's how you dislocate a shoulder good enough that they can't write again! I know you know all about dislocating and dismembering. I'm just sharing what I got! Lan Fan was business with her methods to cause pain. Greed didn’t like breaking things but he’d learned what he’d learned on the streets. Damaging and breaking were different.

I don't have to teach you too much with the claws. You got your own set, so I'm just being friendly! His ‘voice’ didn’t even sound out of breath but Lan Fan found that she was barely winded as well. His skittering surface thoughts were indistinct during much of the… was it a fight when it was so one sided? But she caught a consideration of ‘wow this is what it’s like with someone without stamina issues, who woulda thought?’

Catching like a thread of a sweater on a bit of metal she spooled closer. He wasn’t asking her directly but the guy in front of them had automail, maybe they could? —Could they rip it off? 

One less person standing. She could. She did. It came easily out of the port and she /literally/ ‘swept the leg’ at one of the ones who’d chosen to break and run. 

YESSSSS?! 

Ling had started to scream again as the threat dwindled to something even he’d be able to handle.

Two left, dodge those kunai, she dodged the kunai.  Left, left.  She banked left.  Wait hol’ on let me get into position-! She stopped dead.  And YES! IN THE MOUTH! She caught the damn projectile.  SPIT IT OUT! Awful, did these people even hear about washing their hands? THROW IT! That she did.  YEAH— YES! 

LING IS SEETHING. He was. The top of the canopy of their tree was shaking with it. He had the energy to do that but walking was beyond him?  SO GOOD! I TOLD YA WE'D HAVE SOME FUN TOGETHER. 

Lan Fan was into it, she was nearly incandescent with the overload of so much going on at once and being fed back to her. Greed was also wrapped up in her drive, somewhere along the way it’d cease to be a job and had shifted over into art. She climbed to the top of her stack, chasing the last one able to run up the horrible edifice. Greed knew what she was gonna try, he wanted it too. The classic knife in the chest? The man was already scrambling on hands and knees. She didn’t have the weight, how would she-? Lan Fan threw her leg at a ninety degree angle into the air and jammed it down on the hilt of the sword, punching it through with a rumbling screech.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA WAS THAT A /R O A R/??? YOU DRAMATIC BASTARD, I KNEW WE'D GET ALONG! 

What was left had been taken care of.

“THAT WAS ALLLLLL YOU I HAD NOTHIN’ TO DO WITH IT AHAHAHAHA," Greed laughed out loud, nearly sick with exertion and exhilaration, “DOWNRIGHT PRIMAL, I LOVE IT.”

Lan Fan froze again, the spell broken. She ‘eep’d, awkward now that the threat was gone. Touching all her fingertips together she shuffled off the stack of people, very few groaning in complaint at being stepped on. 

It was Fine that Lan Fan hadn’t really let him bust loose. Greed was fine with it. She let him do some things on the sly so it was totally good. After a display like that how could he even /begin/ to complain? He even got to do his shield twice, she’d wanted it two whole times! They had got Ling and Ling had got to watch them do all of /that/, that was excellent. Really. He wasn’t going to be dissapointed. 

-

Ling had observed everything from his perch, absolutely beside himself. (But he wasn’t beside himself, Greed was over there having the time of his fucking life with Lan Fan.) “Oh he’s not gonna, no way, no way, HE CAUGHT IT YOU FUCKING BASTARD.” he saw Greed, it HAD to be Greed catch something thrown at him with his mouth only to throw it back.

“I’M HAVING AL THROW SHIT AT US UNTIL I'M DOING THAT IN MY SLEEP THE SECOND YOU GET IN HERE, AAAAUGH YOU /SHOW OFF/.” Ling shoved snacks in his mouth and mutter/whined over the mash of food. 

He continued his catty attack, even though he knew they weren’t listening (they could hear but not -listen-. Greed did it all the time.) “I SEE YOU FORMING THE BODY STACK, DON'T THINK ABOUT IT! THAT WAS MY IDEA, THAT WAS /MY/ IDEA. I AM THE LAW. I'LL MAKE A COPYRIGHT LAW JUST FOR THIS!”

They did just what Ling thought they would and Lan Fan screeched from the top. Ling was so consumed with envy he entirely forgot how much he hurt. He at least got to see Lan Fan come back to herself with a visible full-body ‘oh’ and climb inelegantly off her handiwork. He vowed to rib her for that!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ling had to have a reason why he loved causing himself pain and discomfort by healing from all the times he and Greed had 'gone out'. Lan Fan never got why. 
> 
> As for the pear thing, :).


	16. Picking Favorites

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I'm so late! But you have to admit I've been on time and rather prolific this entire time so I'm gonna be gentle with myself, here. Y'all will still get another update this week too so that's also good. The group cleans up, gets some info they already knew, and talks about the mundane.

Greed egged Lan Fan on as they jogged back to the tree to go and get their audience. They didn’t want Ling far for all future dealings,  Listen, if we set off one of our bombs behind us just to set some shit on fire, I Guar-An-Tee Ling will lose his utter shit. I can basically feel how pissed he is already. 

_That does not seem to be a good use of the explosives I take my time to make._

To you, maybe. I'd make my own if I knew how but you don't want us blowing ourselves up anymore. 

-

Finally, after taking care of some thirty or so eggs--or assailants- Whatever. They were broken weren't they? Ling watched the homunculus brush their hands together like they'd just finished cleaning up a messy storeroom as they got closer to his temporary home. The arms and the way their head was cocked meanly was absolutely without a doubt Greed, but there was something in the stance that was Lan Fan, too. He pursed his lips from his tree. Had they actually gotten closer in a way that did not have something to do with the fact that they were as close as two entities could get? 

"If you two are done dancing could you come get your ward down from the cheap seats!" he called down.

The ebony head turned upward in his direction and he saw glowing white eyes meet his for an instant before they blinked and were back to their default black sclera. (God dammit that was so cool. He better have had his eyes glow white before. Why had he never looked at a mirror? He’d bring a damn mirror next time.) 

"Whadda ya mean cheap seats, you had the best view in the house! Even out of the splash zone and everything!" The stance had shifted to being purely Greedish now, Lan Fan having apparently backed off now that combat was over. As they goose-stepped their way over to Ling's branch the black bits of the shield flaked off, lightly dusting the bodies they stepped over that hadn’t made it all the way to the pile. Ling was a bit surprised Greed hadn't wanted to keep the shield up longer to show off a bit more or rub it in his face, but given they'd just done a full shield yesterday to get him he surmised it would be sensible to not leave it up that long. He could see Lan Fan's usually pale skin was already pretty red from this distance even discounting the splattered blood. With the shield gone most of the gore sticking to it disappeared as well, though their uniform was putting his old bloody and ruined clothes to shame. They all really needed to jump in a creek sometime. Maybe once he didn't have open wounds.

Greed had let the shield go but he kept the claw tips that Lan Fan dug into the bark to climb up to where Ling sat. He sniffed an arm of hers as it reached up over their head to grab onto a branch right under Ling. "Ick. You need a bath you stray." Despite not being attached to his brain Greed sure could follow Ling’s thoughts.

Lan Fan straddled the limb of the tree where her lord, an empty bag of snacks, and their bag rested. If getting caught at the top of a stack of victims screaming her heart out was awkward, the way Ling was eyeing her was somehow doubly excruciating. 

"Lan Fan, and understand me here, I am ordering this with my full authority as emperor. Honest opinion, tell us BOTH what you thought of that."

He was in full rights to give her an order but she’d not been expecting that. She wanted to run or disassemble but the two expectancies for her answer caught her fast. 

She buried most of her head into her scarf. ".....Had fun."

Twin smiles lit up from within and without. Greed thought she looked like a turtle.

“Hey did you finaaaaalllly have the ‘you have to have fun for once’ conversation with her? How'd that go?” Ling asked Greed, scooting forward carefully.

“Went good! Got flipped! Got that noogie off on her too and look at me fully aliGHGGH-” he choked mid sentence as Lan Fan reasserted herself. “Enough!” The order was only directed at one of them but Ling mimed zipping his own mouth. 

“Ling, you got the bag there, throw a flare up, won't you? As much as I like being strangled I think having our med kit come to us would be good to great. So we get you to good enough to not die if I get back in there?” Greed asked. Ling had already started digging into folds and pockets but his eyes flicked upward at the last half of what Greed was saying and he dug with more vigor. 

“Then we'll leave this uh, mess, we made and find a river to wade into. I doubt there will be much more after all of this. Anyone that finds /that/ creation won't wanna follow,” Greed said. The mine had been business but that was personal.

“Works for me! Despite appearances I think I'm still better off than when you got introduced to my body the first time so I'm not too worried about it - ooh there's a flair - lotta pockets in this bag.” Ling drew one out and pulled the trigger, it flew into the air with a loud pop and a bang, raining down some sparks as the trailing streamers of red lit the sky.

Greed watched the pretty firework. “If we really wanna be heathens we can wade in that rice field over there but I feel like the farmer might not appreciate us tainting the water, it being still and all.”

“Hopefully our band is going in the right damn direction?” Ling asked, tossing the spent flair down off the tree. 

“Where there's fields there’s rivers, we’ll find one and follow it.” Following the road was out for now, considering Greed really didn’t wanna double back down the mountain. A great thing about having a system in place where they could feel the other party coming was they didn’t have to stick to the map, just a general direction, which was pretty much South. “Now, first, let's get you outta this tree. Come on,” Greed turned around to show Ling the curl of Lan Fan’s back. Their back was less stained than the front, thankfully. Lan Fan didn’t have a full change of clothes in her bag but she hadn’t thought that her uniform, which had been able to get her through a lot, would be so put to the test. She didn't have time for a needle and thread. Maybe she shouldn't have taken that sword blow to the side. It was a little drafty. She untied her belt, the ends also stained, and cinched it higher to cover the gap while Greed tried to entreat Ling back down. Good enough.

Ling felt bad about being carried again after they went and did all that for him. “I could jump and you catch me?”

Lan Fan peered back at him negatively. “No, I am climbing. You will rip your side open, my lord.”

“Awww, I still wanna jump off things.” Wouldn’t they let him jump off one? The threat was gone. He could do one!

“You will jump off things when you are not so hurt and not a second before and this is me AGREEING with Lan Fan, dope.” Greed said, picky with the admission. Next break he'd fix some of the worst rips in Lan Fan’s tattered clothes, a metal arm worked much better than thimbles (or claws). 

Ling somehow looked at them both sullenly, “I don't like being outnumbered, it is unpleasant.”

“Stop having dumb ideas and I wont side so much with Lan Fan! You’re in top form today if I don't wanna back your opinion.” Given Ling had a clear edge on knowing exactly what kind of dumb ideas Greed loved, if Greed was still reluctant the intention could only be called garbage. Greed gestured with his thumb to his back. He couldn’t put a foot down suspended from a branch but his tone had finality. 

“Booo fine, help me down.” Ling took hold of them delicately with a sigh, paying mind to his injuries. 

“Don't throw the bag down, I'll come back up to grab it later, Greed instructed, “it still has grenades in it.”

Ling had missed the grenades on his quest for the flair and other things. They must've been near the bottom. “Ah, right, the grenade reserve. Greed, has Lan Fan ever told you why she always keeps twelve extras? I've always wanted to know what made that number special.”

They had begun to climb down, Greed’s footing was sure and unhurried but he still paid special attention to their cargo. Ling was at least light. (Too light). “No? Ay you wanna-?” He mentally prodded her to give up the details.

“I can throw exactly that many grenades fast enough to create a wide circle that is set off simultaneously, ruining anything nearby and also allowing for immediate escape. Alternatively, if there are waves of attackers, four rounds of three or three rounds of four can knock back targets in a localized area with extreme effectiveness and-” she clamped her own mouth shut as Greed and Ling blinked. 

“Just thought... you liked the number.... I like three...because it is nice....?” Ling ventured after a staring pause. 

“I like eight ‘cause if you flip it on the side it looks like an infinity symbol?” Greed added. 

“I never said twelve was my /favorite/ number, it is just effective in this scenario and also having a favorite number is stupid.” She turned her attention to putting one hand over the other to climb while Greed used her mouth. He could go right ahead, she was done. 

“Also partial to eleven cause it's two number ones- hey! No it is not!” 

“Lan Fan, pick a favorite number right now. Favorites aren’t stupid.” Ling commanded from where he was piggyback. 

“Her favorite color’s red!” Greed called. 

“Called it,” Ling said, smug as anything. It was that or black, honestly. He had known it once upon a time, but favorites changed. 

Greed had grown stiff under Ling, though one of them was still climbing down. “She’s mad I told you her favorite color,” he frowned.

“Your sacrifice won't be in vain, Greed, sorry it had to end this way. Hey Lan Fan if you want I can tell you something about Greed to square it out!” Ling asked her, grinning vapidly.

“She does No-Yes.”

Hook line and sinker. “Greed thinks if he whistles the right way to birds he can get them to talk to him!”

“YOU SAID YOU WOULDN'T TELL ANYONE THAT YOU SAI-”

“I Lied! But I only do that for special circumstances!” 

“I KNOW HOW YOU LYING WORKS, I’M JUST NOT ENOUGH OF A BASTARD TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF PEOPLE!” Greed shot, ready to positively spit. A lighter laugh was there and gone on top of his rush of anger.

“We both know I'm the top bastard, I took that title from you a while ago” Ling cackled, “- also Lan Fan did I hear a chuckle in there or was that just tree bark under metal?” 

“Oh she's been hooting it up Ling, you should hear!” Greed admitted coolly under what had to be the beginnings of a blush from the other party. 

“Dang, you'll have to play it back for me later because that's the wildest shit I've ever heard!”

Lan Fan coughed and shook her head, “I have fun....” She would have covered her face with her scarf had she not been many person lengths in the air.

Greed and Ling both looked at her even though there were only two sets of eyes. Greed even stymied her descent. 

“Then I'm a moronic pushover!”

“Yeah, and I'm a good for nothing dumbass!”

“None of you have said false things so far. Do you want to get fully down from the tree or not?”

“Jokes, Lan Fan, these are the jokes,” Greed muttered. She began to climb again. They only had a few dozen more feet. 

“I can have fun without finding you funny, both can be true”

“Aww but you do find me, us really, right Ling? -Funny /sometimes/ I can tell!” Greed smiled, his humor washing so thick he was surprised Ling didn’t start laughing in some kind of freak echo. 

Lan Fan blew her bangs from her face, sweat starting to bring them down into her eyes. “No.”

“Impossible!” 

“No way!”

“We’re hilarious!”

“Totally!” 

“Right?”

“Absolutely!” 

“Glad we agree.”

“Of course we do!”

Ling pouted over her shoulder, “Only one left out is Lan Fan, sad to be her!”

“Oh I’m cryin’ over it!” Greed smirked. 

“Droll.”

“Lan Fan we’re like top shelf, Mei says so!”

“Yeah, Mei.”

Greed cocked his head, “Lan Fan thinks it’s funny when we’re upset!” 

“Oh well, we’re always upset, aren't we?” Ling cooed. 

“Not always,” Greed argued.

“Periodically,” Ling finished.

“I literally cannot wait until these conversations are not said where I can hear both of you.” Their feet touched the ground. Finally. Ling slid off her back, reluctantly, citing he wanted to sit. Climbing down was obviously much harder of a task but holding on was kind of the top of what he could accomplish with any decency. She nodded and let Greed take her back up to go get their bag. 

Lan Fan thought she had been tired before but she now was working against using the full shield twice in relatively quick succession. Greed told her in that ‘information suddenly appearing’ way that he didn’t like to do that if he could help it. Even without some of the more visible problems calling it took power. They just ended up so busy!

After getting hands on Ling her crazy drive basically sputtered out once she saw he was alive, everything since then had been practically automatic. Her state of near sleepwalking was still formidable but Greed knew the difference. She was more willing to fake it, act like nothing was amiss, and have Greed just carry and talk with Ling for a few miles. (Somehow he was less affected?) Not only from a place of wanting to avoid him picking at her to interact with her lord. 

Those idiots they destroyed managed to catch up to her because she’d been jogging, not flat out hauling like before she had gotten to Ling. They had chosen an ambush to beat them to the punch rather than be run down like a fox hunt. She retrieved their bag from the branches where Ling had lain. Greed peered from their vantage point at a few live bodies trying to drag themselves away from their art piece. He had some questions. He was also sure Ling would like a little closure. The claws he’d left on bore five holes in the wood he clutched.

He had heard a few of the group yelling things in rage when they pulped through their ranks. 

Greed hopped down the final twenty feet, boots slapping the ground. He missed having sturdy shoes. These boots had no real heel or style but they could take a punishing. He tied her mask on after taking it out of the bag, he didn’t have his anymore for the anonymity. Greed placed the bag on Ling’s shoulder after he was finished and then helped him walk closer to where the bodies were. A likely candidate stared up at him with only one eye. 

Greed just had to know, why’d they do it!? He was good at information, he was! Liked having it, liked getting it. In this case, by any means necessary. He crouched over the man who spat a glob of blood right on his new mask’s cheek when he leaned over. Rude! “Oh no, none of that now,” Greed fussed, “please, do me a favor and fully explain your dumbfuck reasoning in detail!”

-

It took some doing but the dying man told him much of what he already knew but for a few interesting crumbs. Heaven above was revenge BORING. Oh well. Greed went back over to Ling to tell him what he learned when he’d gotten everything he wanted and the light in the man’s eye died. 

Ling hated picking up after a mess, Greed didn’t care for it either. These people had to go, that was an inexcusable fact, but it didn’t make it easier. 

“So did he say anything about those alkahestry techniques? The ones that got us?” Ling asked quietly. He’d liked to know all he could in order to make sure it never ever happened again.

The man had not! All told ever since even the mine Greed and Lan Fan had not fought anyone that could make explosions! 

\---

Shit. 

Of course. 

Greed decided to get preemptive, using foresight for once to know exactly what would happen next. He tossed Ling-with-bag into a bush by his collar to a “Hey!” and a rustling crash. Lan Fan sprung to life as Greed got away from the bush and raked her senses around. There was something slimy lurking. The chi was familiar, Greed had it exploded around his body recently so he was well acquainted with it! Maybe he was somewhat of a fraud too because revenge was looking drop dead gorgeous. Everyone who had come after them was complacent in their collective punishment but this chi had held the ‘knife’.

It was strange but after everything, not just this everything but everything everything Lan Fan had never thought Greed scary. He still wasn’t scary- to her. Things he did were scary, things back in Central. The unknown of what happened to Ling was scary, of what Greed might do. But she reasoned with surprise that as he focused with that tunnel vision he so loved he himself could come off as scary. In the right light. 

Huh!

Sure she saw Greedling lay waste to the central soldiers but she’d always assumed that’d been mostly Ling. Lan Fan missed out on him waxing quite violent and poetic towards Wrath herself, instead having just caught the end bits of him flailing about.

Yes, she'd seen him later on with her lord, a few times when things were bad- but Ling usually called on him when he was ‘pissed’ himself. She knew there was some emotion sharing going on with him and Ling so she never figured the rage could originate with the homunculus even if Greed had the right to be pissed on his own. This was news! Not bad news, but interesting! She thought she was the only one who did nearly popping a vein when it came to things about Ling. She thought it odd how she assumed Greed getting into spitting rows with Ling was him being "angry", it seemed that was not the case. The scale was much wider than she had surmised.

Greed examined the brush for signs of who thought to dog him, jabbing a subconscious mental hand at Lan Fan to lend him her pulse in order to sniff their game bird out. She gave it to him, fumbling somewhat with imparting even simple information on purpose. His head trailed up to look over to where Ling was likely cowering. A swell of ‘MINE’ reached out from him at the thought of Ling but Lan Fan did not miss a smaller frisson of ‘MINE ALSO’ directed at her. 

If there was going to be a good fight she would accept it, accept Greed taking control, rudely, and the other thing too. He felt too enraged for her to contest how she was not his, not with such a simple and unadorned heartbeat of a thought. He could think whatever he wanted. Wasn’t Greed just telling her ward he wasn’t property? 

-  
  


Ling didn’t appreciate being thrown into a bush but this one had berries on it that he thought he could eat. And some thorns. It was okay, he knew he needed to hide. It was the most efficient thing he could do. He didn’t want to be held hostage, or worse, kidnapped again. Picking a thorn from his ear he carefully set himself up, using the bag to block anything from stabbing him in the back. He had seen Greed’s face, it sure wasn’t Lan Fan with that expression, before he hit the bush. His eyes burned and his mouth had been a straight hard line! It had to be because of what had happened, the getting torn apart-... everything after! Ling thought it nice to be so considered!

He had wanted to just go home, content to take the explosion as payback enough. His bodyguard and the one that ended up guarding his body’s forced cleanups on the way back had just been icing on a well-dressed cake. Ling could get the vicious hate he knew had been boiling in Greed even over all their jokes. If he’d been with Greed and not so hurt? They would have plumbed those tunnels for any straggler, burning the earth in their wake. Not even a bird would have flown over it after they were done! “Ahahahaha! Go get him! Salt that earth,” Ling chuckled blackly. 

All Ling could do was wish him well on his revenge-fueled endeavor, sending out ‘tear that rat bastard /apart/, For the both of us’ as hard as he could.

By the beastly way Greed was tearing up the ground he obviously had it in hand. Ling hoped that Lan Fan wouldn’t be too bored. She wasn’t used to taking a back seat like him during these types of altercations. Ling had observed her doing most of everything during the larger battle, Greed popping in for a few flourishes with a well placed arm or foot. The person racing away from him now was unmistakably Greed singular. Ling would recognize the difference anywhere.

Someone who's natural attack implements were claws and fangs was gonna be a bit animalistic in his style. No one else had that naturally, it was distinctive!

\----------

_If he breaks my automail I swear._

Lan Fan was in that odd position of being able to feel and see but not do, again. She could push at it, whatever was holding her back felt like it would give if she tried hard enough, but she wanted this particular foe of Ling’s as dead as Greed could make him as much as Greed did. It wasn’t prudent to waste time. She’d seen what happened when Ling tried at his bonds in Central, she doubted it would be so dramatic but projectiles… ‘sucked’ and she didn’t want to be responsible for causing a distracted moment. 

She could use this situation to learn how Greed chose how to fight so unconventionally, she supposed. As long as she was here. 

A blast rocked the ground where they were standing just seconds before, Greed spun around nearly on all fours, actually growling. They both could see someone in long green robes disappearing into the weeds. 

Greed gave chase, using her speed to catch up in a flash.

The man dodged their first strike when they were within range, then the second. _Then you use the ball of the foot like a cudgel, I see,_ Lan Fan commented, ringside to the whole thing. What Greed was trying probably worked better with someone taller, more of a fulcrum to take advantage of.

The man launched a few more circles leading them close to each only for Greed to dive away at the last second and use that time to inch closer on every instance. One got them pretty close, Greed had missed the large part of it but got tossed a few feet to land on his knees and elbows before ripping himself back to standing, rage broiling. Lan Fan’s ears rang, she was disorientated. Notably it wasn’t that it had just happened to Greed but he reacted more to Lan Fan's reaction to it. 

She gave a little mental shake, not really sure if something like that could clear her head but it did seem to. Her lord said that he did things to ‘help’ when he was in her position. Maybe she could offer pointers as well? Greed wasn’t using her arm effectively, it was a waste to bludgeon things out of the way with the complicated hardware. He had a blade! 

_Greed? Homunculus. You have a blade at your disposal. Use it?_

Greed gnashed his teeth, barely missing a trailing sleeve to grab. A blade slashed at her arm in a hot graze. His temper blazed. It did not seem like he had heard her. It also felt a little harder to ‘talk’ than it had been. The gauze between them had thickend. Ling talked about ‘getting shoved’. Was this that? 

_What had he said he did when Greed acted like this…?_ He had been angry because of their lord but it wasn’t so clear cut on which account he was getting mad over just then. _I am okay! You do not have to eviscerate so readily on my account! Calm down and think, you are capable of it, I think!_

There was no response. He knocked over a whole gnarled tree with a slash of her blade. At least he was figuring that out on his own. 

_You break it you buy it!_ That one sounded better, she picked the phrase up somewhere. One of them had said it more than once. _Dance isn’t over and Ling is by that tree, lead him away._ Lan Fan tried to push that one at him with importance. It got a grunt! 

Using his own language against him must have helped, pulling words he recognized from what had to be his ‘side’ drew his attention. 

Her head did not feel too good after they had taken the grenade for Ling, it felt worse after Greed had gotten clipped. All the activity- she didn’t know if she could do what Ling described to her during a ‘what it was like to live with a homunculus in my brain’ sermon as an ‘advanced technique’. Just shoving raw intention or feeling rather than words seemed easy but they had only been together a day or so by now. Lan Fan felt that lack of experience for the first time.

She would have to keep pushing. People called her stubborn. She could be, she reasoned. 

Instead of trying to force herself into the lead Lan Fan gathered herself, stepping back into the running current of his thoughts. It was an oily tangle.

**They put a hole in one and dinged up the other!- She’s not speaking so good. Can’t have that. Ruining my host and hurting her and I had been letting it happen- I’m gonna kill them. Ling certainly wanted it, I know he does. Nothing of mine gets messed up on my watch! Not again! Not this time! I am going to do right by my things. Get over here you son of a bitch, fucking projectiles. I was willing to let bygones be bygones with the one with a hole just wanting to get home, maybe come back later, but NOW YOU FOLLOWED and you took what was MINE and -** _and Greed stop. We’re not getting anywhere. Stop. I just have a headache. I am fine._

NOT NOW LAN FAN. She eyed him hard him even as he stopped his pursuit to get a vantage point thanks to the idea she laid at his feet. Their pain in the ass objective wouldn’t go far. Greed's rage could not be infinite. He looked down at what he was doing with an air of ‘caught in the cookie jar’,  Oh, uhh sorry for not askin’. 

She waved it off, he was already doing it and her head hurt so he could keep going. But he was not to leave her out! That kind of thing flew with Ling but it would not here. _Hold._ Greed held. As long as their fox didn’t go Ling’s way, he’d hold. Also he was sorry. 

Granted he had already (accidentally) started taking without asking her but maybe it would be better if she offered. Would he like to have that one for himself, fully? With her… blessing? She’d done pretty much everything that involved Hurting this entire time. She remembered Ling in Central. That had been ‘more’ than what her and Greed had on that hillock with thirty bodies. They needed that ‘more’ now.

It was not very polite of her to not offer a guest anything. Where was her decorum? (The guest hadn’t been the best but he’d brought something for her and she /had/ invited him. She, augh, granted.) It was professional decency in Xing, similar to the rules of decorum and the little hints she’d been leaving to Edward to verse her in armed combat when he first arrived that she ended up having to explain in terms she’d utilize in speaking to a small child. That flower arrangement meant ‘animosity’, it wasn’t “pretty”. 

There were books on this type of thing. If you had a guest over the proper thing was to put out snacks for everyone and here she'd been eating and not even caring. This was no way for a retainer to the emperor to behave; even if she found his guest of choice repugnant. Even the worst house guest got good treatment, especially so! It was a whole affair to show up the one you hated. High society loved petty.

It wasn't necessarily (only) pettiness that drove her to the decision. She had been too busy to give him consideration but he’d been- behaving. It was too much of a stretch to call it good will- 

But he'd been doing things like the equivalent of holding doors for her and taking her coat, if she had the comparisons right. 

Greed had crouched under cover while Lan Fan thought. She’d probably come up with a plan. He made sure that the bastard wasn’t getting close to anything important and fixed their hair. It was all over the damn place. She had pulled him back from doing something real stupid. He didn’t want to endanger her over what was his grudge. 

_It is not just yours. Share._

That almost knocked him off the tree.

Yeah, yeah, it really wasn’t just his. She was here first, she had some claim to Ling too.

 _Some?_ Lan Fan was accusatory but- there was something else at the end of the thought, almost an amused lilt.

Yes, some,  he said plainly. He straightened her mask now that her hair wasn’t all up in his face. 

_Care to listen to me now and not go off to get us killed?_ She figuratively tapped him on the shoulder with something to give him. He opened to the concept of what she wanted and had to wrap an arm around the boll of the trunk to actually not fall off. 

She was willing to let him have this one? For real? One of the particulars stopped him. He couldn’t do another shield so soon, that was the only part of what she proposed that he wasn’t wholeheartedly on board with. (The rest of it? The rest?!- Sharing was amazing when it happened for him. He always forgot it went both ways!) She’d start flaying herself if she kept using it. 

_Then you will have to use my mask._

It’s only fair,  he started neutrally, ruining the paper thin illusion by nearly singing out Tradesees! 

Greed had been a bit smart with the application of his shield so far, he had it in an emergency, but she had already tried grey. He could do white. He could most definitely make this work.

That very strong unapologetic enjoyment reared high from Greed, making his rage gutter. Ling was always so goofy but there was just something about the lense of Greed that Lan Fan now saw things through. It was awful how infectious it was.

Rather than have him take the position of lead she gave it to him, moving to how Ling did things on purpose. He gave her a mental leg up as he dropped down from the tree, using his experience with the two way street to patch over that she was still new at this. Getting to very nearly play- (he was hesitant to call what they were going to do play but okay, play) with Lan Fan was nearly a holy grail situation.

He’d wanted it since the woods in Amestris. She had of course cooperated with him before but likening ‘cooperation’ to what him and Ling did didn’t illustrate what the hell that was.

He wished Ling was up for playing, too.

She was relying on him (holy fuck she really was) not to overextend too hard. They got the jump on the alkahestric bastard but the time they had been up in the tree had leant him time to prepare. He had circles waiting. Too bad they were faster. Lan Fan showed him how to barely touch the ground as he ran. It was strange because she almost used her arm sort of like his claw, ‘cept the sharp end was near the elbow -gotta adjust for- Oh thanks Lan Fan, she wordlessly told him how to pull a type of slash he'd been thinking of doing off. Greed had to hand it to her, she was a real quick study, giving things was a little bit harder than taking things in this mental set up.

Without consciously drawing on it he heard loud and clear that ‘it was already so damned weird, might as well let him raid my knowledge base of technique like Ling in a pantry’.

Greed had finesse, Lan Fan was handing him things. He was not RUMMAGING! Or- /okay/ she was thinking of stuff and he was swiping it off the counter. She was new! 

They bore down on their foe, jumping through a smoke cloud to draw him into hand to hand and most certainly his doom. When Greed laid hands on something he took it most times, when Lan Fan laid hands on something it came back in pieces. 

For insisting repeatedly he was not a demon the laugh Greed borrowed her mouth for fit the part.

_A literal sin is Literally A Demon,_ she remarked, correcting his form, allowing just a little more strength in how he planted his legs. She’d noticed that was a weak area with him. 

I don’t care for the demon nomenclature ‘cause it's pretty lowly it's like, ... Hmm .. what if I called you a bouncer? That’s basically what you do, right? 

_Those people at /bars/?_

Stands outside somewhere, keeps undesirables out, protects the talent? Right? 

Greed landed a hit to the man’s leg, droplets hit the grass, though his robe hid how much Greed had managed to gouge out. 

_Hardly!_

See what I’m getting at? If you're going to insult me, at least get the vernacular right. There’s a lot of demons, but there’s only one Greed. 

\---------

Apparently they were not done if the fact that Ling was still buried in a sharp bush was anything to go by. Them knowing full well he was wounded and still tossing him (along with the bag that still had explosive devices in it!) meant that it was serious. Ling would stay in the bush.

Getting treated like his own shirt, thrown away at an inconvenience... He dearly missed being in the thick of it. Ling supposed he liked to delegate but he really missed dealing with his own problems. Greed had been showing him that the direct approach as not the last ditch strategy could be very effective.

Ling was worried was the short of it. Lan Fan and Greed had dispatched the many that had attacked with skill but everything both of them had dealt with had to cash in sometime. Even Ling’s luck eventually ran out and Ling wasn’t over there to give them a boost.

Ling didn’t have very many favorites. Unlike Greed, who had so many prized things it was easier to count things that weren’t his favorites, Ling was pretty much happy with whatever life gave him.

His short list of chosen things included; one dao that the balance was a bit off but it was broken in just right (lost in another country), a favorite shirt (gone to be a tourniquet for Lan Fan), Lan Fan, a bangle he found in the city (cinnabar only but he’d found it on a caper). There was this one ring with the- he had so many rings these days... The one with the coral and gold? It was nicely crafted. Greed said there were better (bigger, more expensive, finer) ones but Ling liked it from a principle of aesthetics. Other things included that same big stupid homunculus.

If Ling had to pack and leave in the night it'd be an easy thing. He’d be able to carry basically everything. He had some trouble actually keeping things he favored if he thought about it. He’d lost his sword and shirt, he’d even lost his homunculus a few times now. Lan Fan found the bangle when he’d lost that (rolled underneath a chest of drawers) and she’d also found the homunculus! She had even brought him right back, it was very nice of her! It would have been better to bring him in the jar but beggars couldn’t be choosers. It was nice to speak with Greed and he couldn’t do that from a jar. The solution would have been to retrieve him from the jar but Ling also remembered both times had /hurt/-and most likely killed him (for a moment)? He would have been advised by Lan Fan most ardently to wait until they got back to the palace. It would have been a very quiet trip of extreme temptation. At least this way he was not tempted and Greed was safe- 

What was that last thought? Stricken through. Gone. 

More importantly, Lan Fan hadn't been in the realm of possibility but Ling did reason that she was indeed the second best place where Greed could be. It was acceptable. Greed wasn’t even far; he was just in eyeshot and Lan Fan wasn’t going /anywhere/ any time soon. She’d make sure everything was okay. Ling chastized himself, he needed to stop whining again. He wasn’t capable of doing much else other than whining, was the problem.

She could borrow Greed. Only because of this unforeseen event. He was reminded of games on the playground where a treasured plaything would be passed around only for the owner to get cold feet the second they realized that that was enjoyment /they/ could be having. During play fights and other such things the appropriate response would be ‘can I get a turn when you die?’ but Ling thought that in alarmingly poor taste. 

He thought because he was watching and usually backseat drove anyway he’d be okay but that was a hard no. If he had the shield right now would that covering the hole in him make it worse or better? What kind of berry bush was this?! Ling picked at a few purple fruits. They looked edible, he was pretty sure they were. Nature sucked sometimes but free food was great. Ed had drilled a lot of edible and inedible plants into him way back when but that was countries away. Ling tried a few, they were tart and had seeds. He spat those hulls out. 

Lan Fan looked so tired, she usually looked tired when he was up to his old song and dance but there was a difference. It was good that Greed was over there, he probably was helping her out with some juice on the sly. It was Lan Fan so she would be fine but it was still good. Ling couldn’t count the times Greed helped him out with something or other with the trouble that they got into. He was honestly a bit upset that he couldn’t make a mangled pun about birds in bushes without giving away his position. 

His stomach hurt. Was the tummy ache from eating solid food or was it poison? Who could say!? “These better be chokecherries,” he whispered. Ed had so many weird names for plants. 

Maybe when Lan Fan and Greed got back he’d ask Greed if he remembered. This was why he needed the homunculus around, he had things he needed to cross reference! Couldn’t have Greed getting too bored, it sounded like Lan Fan really hadn’t let him do very much. He must be upset. Damn it to hell Ling hated third wheeling. 

\---

Greed had naturally gotten to be in charge a few times, he couldn’t go a day without it, but it was only for the not so important bits so far. This was much better even though Lan Fan still expressed a few reservations.

Oh pipe down you can keep control well enough from back there, Ling orders me around all the time. It’s how things go usually. 

He was wearing her mask. Unlike his, hers had a narrower field of vision. He could appreciate all that he had seen her pull off while wearing blinders.

_It is what we wear._ It was to keep up appearances, what could he not understand about that, a masked person, faceless in the throng. Exacting the will of the country- 

Appearances is right! Amusement ran off him in sheets, not only from the fact that he was right but he was legitimately in charge, for once.  Ling could change that at any time you know, you just find it dramatic. 

It wasn’t the time to natter about the inconsequential. Greed made a note to bring it up later anyway. He didn’t let things go as a rule but it went double for inconsequential points that were deeply unimportant.

Greed stepped up, fully, and began to act ‘own his own’. He wasn’t as fast as her, she could see that already. It was different when she was just letting him move, somehow. She felt a draw from somewhere, like when he wanted to know something more esoteric than a fact. It was different from memories, less ‘on purpose’. Ling had said he was teaching him, she felt that this was involved somehow. She didn’t know how he was doing it so she just tried to stay as she was so it didn’t hinder him

The idiot that they cared about was safe so their next target was the idiot that had mistook them as an adversary rather than a death sentence. Greed formed an arrowhead with his forehead and his arms, snapping to the man as he tried to raise his arms to come down on the circle. He bust through his defense getting him right in the chest from down low. Lan Fan heard the chuff of breath leaving lungs and felt what was most definitely a crunch from his ribs. Greed wasted no time, trying unsuccessfully to bury a hand in the longer hair of the man who’s bun had undone itself to half untied, cascading down into his face. Lan Fan remembered belatedly that her arm still had claws. They were sharp enough to slice a few hairs and a cutting of his robe at the neckline. In dodging back from the low play of hair pulling he lost his stance and Greed’s leg kicked out to unseat him. The man fell, twisting out of the way while Greed smirked at something Lan Fan could just make out about having a shitty stance. He didn’t allow the man the use of the circle, taking care when he was on the ground to scuff a few lines and kick a kunai that had been embedded in the ground out of the way. The fact that there were even lines smacked of immaturity.

There was an anger and a terrible joy in how he fought. It was for their lives, just because the man wasn’t as adept as Mei didn’t mean he wasn’t a threat. It was for Ling’s life, they both doubted that he could survive another explosion. But, it didn’t matter- or it didn’t /only/ matter. There was also clear satisfaction in the entire experience.

As Greed fought his execution ceased to be stilted, like when he talked to Ling or did things back at the inn. It was exhilarating, it was less like she was watching herself move but rather moving with herself. It shouldn’t be thrilling.  Why? With all that on the line it shouldn’t feel like she was fighting Edward- that lower stakes brawl where, yes, she could have killed him but it was honestly- Fun?

Ling had excitedly tried to tell her what it was like with gestures and sound effects just like Mei trying to communicate how the pulse worked to Al. How could he really begin to capture what this felt like?

-

Greed was in his element. Protecting a thing? (A whining bitch of a thing but still.) Taking out the trash- the... cooperation? It was heady. It wasn’t even like Central! It was just more like what he and Ling were on good days. He told that to her in how she moved with him, how things felt. It wasn’t perfect, how could it be? She was still new! But what it was happened to be within shouting distance to why Greed let Ling begin to teach him things back in those woods. After he fucked up royal at Wrath’s. 

Why would Ling wanna use the shield even though it hurt and it was a pain? ‘CAUSE IT RULES WAS WHY. But it wasn’t even the shield- not so simple. It was the baton pass, the perfect pancake flip, it was the goal from the half line. It was being handed a tool before you even asked for it, finishing each other's sentences. It was a plan executed with barely a thought between them. Rapport. That. 

The man was bleeding from a few gouges. Greed had chased him from his circles. How that left hand looked Greed thought he might have trouble putting it down on the ground flat. Lan Fan felt an offer from the side of her mind that was occupied currently. After(*) like a bullet point all the way down the page of a book, all of this?

Something like: maybe we can practice more, less sparring. More of a team thing? Her and Ling were good at it.

She just came to the aid of her lord’s directives.

Yes and he helps you out too, that’s a team, don't even tell me the shit you did to Gluttony wasn't a team. 

_I did not request for him to do that._

And he BARELY 'requests' for you, besides calling out to give position. Which, incidentally, isn't a thing we gotta do when we're in the same brain. Plus to the thing. 

Sooo if her and Ling were good at it and him and Ling were good at it maybe they could be good at it working together? You know, for the world’s worst (loudest, unhappiest, take your pick) pinecone that they just rescued from a tree only to feed to a bush at an undisclosed location.

Greed whining about there being a difference in him just taking like he had been doing this entire time and ‘this’ that they had right now didn’t quite sink in until Lan Fan was caught in the middle of it. If she wasn’t relaxed- If she had continued to ‘turn away’ or whatever it was that she did she didn’t think what he was pulling off would be nearly as effective. She didn’t have to tell him how to use her arm as he backed the man who was gasping for air up against a tree. Greed knew it because she knew it. In the way that tying a shoe only works when shown and able to practice it. Greed didn’t need the hours of messing with laces, he was just /aware/ of how and applying it in all the same breath. 

It was taxing, Lan Fan could tell that it wasn’t something that Greed could keep up forever. There was mental strain from both of them. Lan Fan also could tell without being told that he and her lord did not have nearly as much as an uphill battle. Regardless, they didn’t need very much longer by her estimate. Oh, so that’s what he meant by she would be helping and have control of the situation.

Greed had practice with this kind of thing for a while. He had taken up Ling’s job of making things agreeable while wheedling his ass off but he was much more suited to what he was doing now.

Since Lan Fan was four she had been doing things herself. She hadn’t understood that Greed was jumping at giving her things not as a tactic to win favor but simply because a state of being could not be described in a sales pitch. 

‘No wonder,’ she thought as Greed picked a large boulder up and hurled it at the man, missing him by inches.

She had felt it when they sparred, the few times Ling had snuck in lately even though it was supposed to be only her and Greed. They didn’t treat it seriously, but the edge she had on Ling when he wasn’t treating it seriously was much more eaten close with Greed there.

Greed was a general boost, she understood that. He gave Ling more stamina. Deeper than that, really, it came down to that she didn’t know him as well and she didn’t know the them that was slowly growing. He and her lord working together to create plans of attack and technique that was both of them. A thing that was greater than both parts.

She hadn’t known what this would hold but when instances came for it she would correct an angle, push a jump just a little bit higher. They both were using the same senses but they could split attention. She knocked away a sharp thing that was going for a blind spot Greed had left in their defense. Unlike when she yelled at him Lan Fan’s current instruction was eagerly taken and applied at the speed of sound. Greed went further, making her stance wider, using tricks she knew but with a twist. 

The things he did left so many holes that she normally wouldn't abide by. 

If I play my cards correctly this will translate into a hole in our target. 

When they had fought in proximity before she knew Greed could handle himself— It was usually her that removed the threat in the end. She could edit the equation of how she got there to not include him.

He talked a big game and said it annoyed him to be caught out having to ‘do shit again’ much more than anything else but one would have to be stupid to not know much of what he said was to protect his fragile ego. It was easier to just go along with it because as long as Lan Fan did that she wouldn't have to think about him like an asset, like a person. 

Much like she knew he was back far earlier than she admitted there hadn’t been a very big gap between meeting him and recognizing he wasn’t only an aberration. 

She had her life’s work. Her job. Laughing in the face of death was her lord’s thing. It was not supposed to be fun! 

(Could be, though?) 

If Greed could do this for Ling on his own then where would that leave her? If she doesn't have this job, what does she have? They faltered for a wobbling second but Greed saved it by literally hitting the ground horizontally and sliding backwards. Cornering had been a good move but getting in too close had drawbacks.

This is why we get fucking HOBBIES. 

Hell, he wasn't trying to STEAL a spot, there was more than enough Ling fucking up to go around for everyone, he was enough work for an army! Greed was not trying to cuckoo chick everyone out of the nest, nor was he interested in any full time jobs, no, no, No. He was not trying to be a retainer, or a replacement of anything or anyone. 

Lan Fan didn't want Greed around for a ton of reasons but as suspicion that he was just waiting for Ling to drop his guard and take the throne or something dwindled into the negatives she had to think up new crimes. He wasn’t interested in the throne, a plot seemed beyond him, if his aim was to ruin the country there wasn’t much for him to really ruin. The most she’d been able to pin on him was leeching off of everyone- but it was a hollow thing. 'Corrupting' her lord was even ‘out’-

Greed pushed the man into a bottleneck of rocks, there wasn’t much the guy could do to save his skin besides keep playing into Greed’s trap by backing up inch by inch. 

What did you expect? If you guys just went home and everything was normal and Ling became the perfect emperor in your vision. What would you do then? Would you be, like, happy? 

It was not important for her to be ha-

Lan Fan, I nearly fucked everything up for everyone just because I was unhappy. She of course didn’t care shit about him but it was important to him if his things were in good condition. Ling cared if she was happy, he was a percentage Ling. Therefore, he also did. If she wasn’t happy it would be even harder to keep Ling happy and that was very bad.

Lan Fan didn’t want to follow his thoughts exactly, but there was a well trodden thought process going on. How he could multitask so well even fighting was beyond her, (they were still in the thick of it, as sloppy as the man was becoming he was still increasingly desperate and consequently dangerous). She supposed that was another thing that having two minds working on the same problem ended up facilitating. 

Canvassing her high ideals she really didn't want to be here but where else could she possibly be but defending her lord? More honestly, on a core level, she just really wanted to bolt from the entire conversation but there was nowhere to really go, was there?

She could not say her lord didn’t care. She knew he did because she expressly told him many times not to. She knew it also from the echo of an echo of it she could feel through Greed- he was jamming it at her. The emperor doesn't talk about raining blood down on people much but most often it was directly on to Greed for past insurrections and anyone who gave Lan Fan a truly hard time.

He was not supposed to care.

Ling is also not supposed to do about eighty percent of the shit he fucking does, including keeping me. Greed didn’t like the ring of ownership implied with "keeping" but there was not much he could do about it. It was common knowledge that Ling accepted the stone (and himself) the first time for ulterior motives but Fuck No on the second.

Results were results.

She thought of how she once compared the situation she was in to horseback riding and it seemed to fit better than she thought. It wasn’t driving a bike or using a tool. It was working in tandem with another being, with the fact that Greed was kicking and stomping the man deeper into the creche where he couldn’t run, a warhorse seemed accurate. 

They needed this done but she was, without a doubt, reveling in it. Her muscles thrummed and she had almost forgotten the tiredness, the headache, the adrenaline was high. 

Her and Greed had him now.

When the slight weakness in her joints hit it wasn’t from her metal arm. The man with the long, now very tattered, robes bore into her and something in her regular unadorned shoulder didn’t like the attack. Lan Fan flinched from the over extension and he used the moment to kick off the crevice wall and dodge in front of her. She turned, now caught like he had been- it was no issue she would simply—

The kunai whipped from a sleeve. He must have been saving it because he hadn’t used any weapons in a long time. It was just the one- but from the angle, it was dead on, she had nowhere to dodge-

“Gre—” _HELP._

  
  


In the second of thought, in that tiny universe that was the mind there were a succession of quickly occurring things. It was like when she had fought Bradley, it was like when he had fought Wrath. She called, he answered.

It was too late.

The weapon hit her dead between the eyes, her mask shattered with a /CRACK/ flinging her back. Greed felt a swell of fear on the tail of needing him, the terror all encompassing and frozen.

He wasn’t used to that. Ling’s fear responses were a bit broken. Lan Fan’s were healthy in comparison, she didn’t let them show, but they were healthy. 

Ling’s were NEVER very good and since Greed’s occupation they had only gotten more dulled. At the height he lost an ARM and got basically the equivalent of a ‘hey....’. Only for other people did Ling tend to feel any real fear.

Meanwhile Lan Fan felt things VERY deeply. Mostly that had been surface anger which Greed took as actual anger due to the severity. Her panic spurred him to act like he had the whole time, and those emotions were dulled by tiredness.

Her fear was a mix of old and new things and tied into a long dead enemy that still haunted his dreams and apparently hers. True fear was a novel one.

The fear boiled through Greed as he fell and skidded to a stop, hopping to his feet before the man could press his advantage. She called for him just like Ling did and-

The fear was gone, it wasn’t that she wasn’t scared anymore. It was that she wasn’t. There was nothing there, nothing at all. 

And just as quickly he wasn’t there either. 

His body (only his? No. No!) still moved, and it did MOVE- he rushed forward even faster than Ling could but it wasn’t him- it was instinct, it was something darker than what drove him in the sewers- it was an implosion. Everything he was expanded out from a pinpoint and collapsed in on itself and the only thing he knew was that what was in front of him had to die right now and even that wasn’t thinking. What had happened wasn’t happening and IT WAS HIS. 

The sin that was made out of distilled avarice wanted only one thing, and it would be done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh oh :)


	17. Observations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Small mistakes end up causing bigger problems!

She called for him and knew nothing for a blink, maybe two. Lan Fan thought she was blinking now but with nothing to look at she wasn’t sure. Were any of her senses working? Why couldn’t she hear? Or see?

Lan Fan looked down and was able to see herself. So she could see. She clapped her hands. She could hear, too. It was still looking at a whole bunch of nothing all the way to infinity. She had been fighting, she was sure of that. /With/ Greed too? (That was a small shock, but it was true.) And this wasn’t death but- ...this wasn’t good either. 

“Hmmmm,” she intoned carefully, “shit”. Maybe what she experienced before wasn’t the extent of what Greed was capable of on the mental playing field. Where was he, actually? Upon looking she didn’t see him anywhere ‘around’. Was she still… within herself? This whole frame of mind made her head hurt. Actually, her head did hurt. She thought pain was difficult to feel in here? 

She had to concentrate, why couldn’t she even hear anything important? If she really really tried she could perceive some kind of... event, going on… there was /something/ happening very ‘far’ away. It was like the one time she had been in a blizzard so bad they had called it a ‘white out’, where things even only a foot away had been wreathed in obfuscation. This new state was like looking up from the bottom of a deep well. Sound was music coming from inside a house down the street. 

She wasn’t scared, not now. She admitted that she had been in that second before but not now. She had a sneaking suspicion that Greed had reacted very unfavorably to that and that was why she was here. She frowned, annoyed. Fixing this was likely going to make her head hurt more and she wasn’t pleased about it. 

She really didn’t know how to do this.

Lan Fan called Greed’s name many times in the unidentifiable amount of time that had passed. Minutes maybe? -But there was nothing to indicate that it had done anything.

Looking back, it was pretty likely to her that Greed never Forced anything on her before. The eggs maybe, before they even left the palace but she'd just been fighting him the wrong way. 

Was it because she could have died that he had reacted in this new way? She could have died many times!

This is what Ling must have meant by being shoved. Lan Fan had been sure he'd been a doormat during those times but if this was what he had to contend with no wonder it had taken months of work. He was stubborn but even she could see this was an advanced difficulty. Had Greed been just playing around?- She came to reluctant terms that there could be no other explanation but that.

She wasn’t one to be coddled, and she most definitely didn’t find herself losing to something with such a large power gap often.

Greed had elected to finesse her with a like-minded goal and keep things this ‘smooth’ when he was capable of something like this? She felt like she had legitimate leeway in the very beginning, she was pretty sure of that. Was him holding her back a joke? This mental arrangement she was in allowed her to poke at her own memory. It was indeed, as he’d say, “goofs”. If she had just relaxed in the beginning she could have slipped right out but she’d been too upset. Comprehending another thing quickly- Greed wasn’t made to share, was he? Her lord sure had done a great job messing with something like that and bringing it home. 

The most adversity Greed had given her so far was two firm arms on the shoulders and not a cinderblock and a bay area drop off like now. These comparisons could only be coming from Greed so he had to still be here, too. Somewhere. 

She would try again. 

“Greed!! HEY, AVARICIOUS!! Ouch my head- I AM OKAY. CALM DOWN!”

She didn’t get any sight or sound as she picked and scratched at her mental prison but what she did get, what was starting to trickle up from the ground, was an incandescent fury. Feelings were better than nothing.

Was he feeling this way over her?

What a blowhard.

A territorial scream lit around her. There was no noise but it pressed from all directions with only one word, a singular concept: **MINE.**

She came to the conclusion that, as a courtesy to her, Greed had been keeping a measure of emotional distance. She therefore wasn't used to a lot of the back and forth (that Ling /told/ her about if she’d been paying him mind!) yet besides a few things. The bone rattling MINE was so solid and integral that she wouldn’t be able to break through it no matter how hard she tried. Behind it Greed was incensed, like feeling the heat of a roaring bonfire from a distance away. 

It was not necessarily either of their faults. Ling had taken his time to sink down into these more negative emotions like a hot coin into ice. There was not much else to do for months and he was good at it. Her strategy with negative emotions was to push them away and not think about it.

It ended up being problematic here but it was a good strategy overall!

Paying as hard of attention as she was able she could sense Greed was still fighting, _YOU WANNA KILL HIM?_ she yelled, ineffectually. It appeared like that was the /only/ thing he wanted to do. 

There weren't thoughts to grab on to, just a crackling and burning wall. It flickered slightly at her question. 

She needed to see. Phrasing it as a mental demand she found that she suddenly could. She further found that she could experience the world wholly again. She tried to move her arms that had more blood on them than last time she looked at them and frustratingly was unable. The pressing heat all around her that was Greed pushed at her each time she tried.

It didn’t have mental will behind it like all the other times he’d pushed her off. It was the same inborn compulsion that drove him not to share like others felt the drive to breathe. 

_GREED_ , she practically kicked. She really hated being in the trunk while he still drove. 

The man in front of her had a rake of claw marks forehead to chin on his mangled face. He was trying to run far enough off to make a half assed circle and the homunculus that had her captive was at least making it hard for him. 

_LING IS GONNA BE ANGRY._ Lan Fan had to do something akin to kicking out a taillight and waving a hand around.

 _IS THIS HOW YOU TREAT A LADY?_ It was not like her at ALL to bring something like that up but she made to speak Greed to Greed, maybe?

Greed had worked back out of the rock formation and quite a ways back to- oh, absolutely wonderful, Lan Fan recognized those bushes from the corner of their eye. Ling was grinning from one and looking very entertained. Perfect. 

The situation was now officially worse. She had taken some more time to decode what was going on in the half of her mind that was an endless screeching downpour. She got what was going on a little more. _GREED YOU WANT ME TO BE OKAY!!? LING AND ME OKAY!!! BUT NOT OKAY IF YOU DO NOT STOP!_

If she tried to make a broom in here to hit a nonexistent ceiling with, would it be silly? Would it translate more to ‘keep it down’ rather than ‘LET ME OUT’?

She either needed him to STOP doing this or she needed out RIGHT NOW. 

\----------

Ling was almost uninvolved, he was just along for the ride. He was doing a hell of a lot of nothing. Normally he didn't mind hanging back at times like these but he liked the /choice/ in the matter. That was an important distinction. He’d let Greed take their showdown with Bradley and other things besides. Delegating. He knew of it. It wasn't like he could do anything even though he wanted to. He’d seen the changeover, when Greed was allowed to take that last one for himself. They really were trying to rub it in now. He had no doubt! 

When those two had fought the group Ling had seen Greed in flashes, some flair, a change in momentum. Now it looked like her and him had what he and Greed had, and if Ling hadn’t lost his handkerchief (been in a pocket of a robe that had burned up- it had been monogrammed!) he’d be biting it in envy. Not only from not having Greed for himself but the sorely missed opportunity of fighting with Lan Fan alone! And with Greed there? Separate? Upsetting to the extreme. They all hadn’t got the opportunity to do that kind of thing together when it wasn’t something unplanned to make sure he didn’t get assasinated! It would have been so much fun! Why did he have to have time out now of all times? 

Greed could have his blast but when he came back Ling was gonna be demanding a lot of the homunculus to compensate, that was for sure! 

-

He’d stuffed his mouth purple with free nature food and saw Greed chase his would-be killer back up into eyeshot. That wasn’t too smart, or was it that Greed wanted to brag?

Whoa, actually, now that Ling got a closer look he looked /pissed./ Was that how they looked when they moved together? Greed must have been lighting a fire under Lan Fan in the worst way. The man they were chasing wasn’t looking too healthy. If not for the fact he was on the run, his mauled face looked panicked. Ling hid and tried not to be bait for any more problems. 

‘Didn’t think Greed had it in him to act like that still’, Ling thought. It had to be mostly Greed. No way would Lan Fan hold her arms that wide on a swing. Usually she didn’t resort to all fours when she was fighting. ‘That’s just a for real spirit monster latched on to Lan Fan that I let hang around, huh?’ Ling asked himself. ‘We talked about the merits of different types of soup for four hours like three weeks ago but yeah- he is also capable of that type of thing’. Ling tended to forget! That 'type of thing' was using Lan Fan’s arm as a type of pick to slingshot his entire body forward as a projectile. They had knocked a few trees down. ‘I fully trust that guy’s judgement? Totally just committed to that at the ripe old age of fifteen, didn’t I?’ There wasn’t a shred of remorse but more awe at the situation as a third party. Ling sure got used to a lot easily. Lan Fan was totally bogarting Greed and it made him seeth again. He ate more berries. 

Lan Fan couldn’t get through, she didn’t have the strength for it. The only thing she’d been able to do was passively get at her own vision, screaming wordlessly that she’d wanted it. New plan. She would use simple words and phrases, damn it!

 _You want house!? KNOCK IT OFF. MAN MIGHT ATTACK LING? QUIET!_ Greed’s breath was ragged and gasping, being only slightly louder than the man’s breath as their unfortunate target began to bleed profusely while trying to keep standing.

 _If there is no Ling then I will KILL YOU, GREED. I WILL MAKE SURE TO KILL ONLY YOU! What else, what else, what else?_ What else could she use to tell him to stop? This was a quiz that she hadn’t studied for. She had already tried to dangle Ling in front of him but by Greed’s actions Ling was being protected by default. Greed felt him like a sun behind him. Even in this state he was spatially cognizant of where another thing he placed the roaring ball of emotions that boiled down to something like ‘property ownership’ was. 

It was hard to focus. If he was like this because of her if she told him she was okay wasn’t that supposed to slow him down? What he wanted right then was 'both' and 'now' and wasn’t listening to her that he had them both and no- they had better things to do now. LIKE NOT DIE.

There was no doubt in her mind that if she pushed with everything she had there still wouldn’t be enough to actually get anywhere on reasserting herself. There was a certain coordination that was becoming more and more difficult to grasp as the seconds ticked on. Her thoughts bit each other's tails. Confusion blurred the edges. Ling had this, right?- In the beginning? It was more angry and red but it must have been mostly the same. She knew now what it was like to get stolen. 

Lan Fan could scream all she wanted but that just made her skull throb more. She would get nothing out of Greed until this was done. She doubted she could even work out an S.O.S to her lord. Him grinning oblivious from his hiding place had calmed her somewhat but they were too close. 

-

She worked with what she knew. Even if Greed himself wasn’t 'here' his… stuff was. 

She wouldn’t pry more than she had to. He didn’t seem the type to lose his faculties enough to not even speak. Not allowing himself to be reasoned with was one thing but his wires were crossed. The only time she’d seen anything like this was when Ling was the cause. Ling had ample cause, back in Amestris… she had been in pain too.

It was not the time for her own memories. She dug into his. **‘Another one getting hurt on his watch**.’ That was a recent thought. ‘Don’t want to die’. That had come from her but it was echoed from him, back in a courtyard fighting his own family. It was repeated from Ling’s own mind when he’d grasped his red face and refused to let go. 

Greed had to make this right, Lan Fan was tired, she was trying to keep up with him and even was giving him something nice of her own want of fun. He had to protect this. He had to get this done, make it fast, make it permanent. Then he would make sure they all went home. It was the least he could do after such nice chats. 

Her fear had driven him, he was so close to spilling over and fight or flight dictated what he was capable of. He couldn’t run, there was the broken one he still needed to fix. He was already fighting. It wouldn’t be like in the sewers with his brother and the swords. His friends in the sewers could defend themselves and look where that had gotten them. He was the ultimate shield and look where that had gotten him. His sensibility was wafer thin and he was pressed against a wall as much as he pressed their quarry down the tunnel of rock. 

Lan Fan heard names that she was very sure she wasn’t supposed to hear, she saw chimera that were not a lion and a gorilla. Greed’s mind was conflating the scenario of her and Ling with something that was as bad if not worse. She laid those names aside, it was not for her to speak them until Greed told her who they were himself. He had told her of the time he’d foolishly tried to commit fratricide without planning first and now she could see it laid out. Ling was there too, laying a steadying hand when they escaped out of a window even though she could tell his thoughts at the time were along the lines of ‘calm the FUCK down you shithead!’.

She wasn’t as… connected as Ling had been, that much was clear. They had gone for this too fast, careening straight down a canyon wall with no breaks. When they had kept the speed of the vehicle it was fine but the lack of fine control showed itself once they hit their first rock. She had yelled at her lord for not doing his best during his own time with this and he’d just let her. Again she would label herself a hypocrite. 

She had called for Greed. She remembered that now, before the kunai knocked her senseless. He had called for her once upon a time, too. Both times brought the same reaction from them both- immediate and unquestioned aid. 

Surfacing from her dive, she split the ball of everything that he was apart into lengths of cord instead. His panic, his fear, the… protectiveness. Another thing had been broken on his watch, a stubborn rock of a thing that he shouldn’t have let get mussed up! 

There was a lot of murderous intent as well. It couldn’t all be soft. 

He was being overzealous, but that old short list of ‘important’ she knew she made that he’d already shown her contained a clause that the things on it could not and would not be harmed. Nuh uh.

Lan Fan tried to get closer so she could flip him out of his loop like she had before. He said he didn’t lie but hiding things must not count as lying because the depth of what poured out of him almost knocked her to the metaphorical ground. 

No wonder he could not hear her yelling once she found her voice. 

Lan Fan guessed that greed didn't only extend to wanting things but being really intense about the things one had. He was fond of her, even without Ling's feelings coloring his original perception he'd have been fond of her. Being literally attached now it was impossible for him /not/ to be fond. Nobody put up with him like she did! 

She made a face. If there was not the direct attachment to Ling, Lan Fan would have found it harder to put up with him but- it wouldn't have been impossible.

Without the homunculus interpreting his thoughts and perceptions they were less tangled with back switching as she… rooted.

He was gonna fix Ling up. Ling took months to call for him and even then it was 'I want your power'. He'd been happy to oblige. Of course it took Ling longer because he wasn't driving and thus had not been in a position to ask but that was just /semantics/ to Greed. Lan Fan had said help. She'd said it when she'd taken the stone, she'd whispered it for nearly a day.

Lan Fan saw her last request for help from his 'eyes'. He let her get hurt, he'd let her- 

\---

That sure was a response. Lan Fan's mouth turned way down and her brow creased but she wasn't angry. Okay. This was all very flowery but it was messy and ill timed. She needed her facilities back and she'd like for Greed to ease off so they can get this done, please. She used to get sloppy when she got mad but it had been two or three years so she was much better now! Seeing herself revert back to that was really annoying. Even if it wasn't really her.

Making a note even though she didn't really know how to shove information at Greed yet she resolved to make an effort to try and share how to be violent without getting lost in it. They could work on it.

\----------

Ling assumed they were still doing their show off thing from the last fight. It was more elaborate, obviously. He’d never seen her use her arm quite like that. There went a limb from the other guy. That was a little much, in Ling’s opinion. He couldn’t pin it on Greed- maybe. If that was him rubbing off on her Ling would have to watch himself so he didn’t just eviscerate someone who looked at him funny in court. 

Lan Fan needed to reign Greed in. She looked like she had it handled before, they had been switching off nice! Greed had treated her with care (unlike him, so not fair!) but it kind of looked like she was losing it a little.

Ling was used to a lot of pushback but he didn't think Greed had done anything like that to her. Teeth usually weren't weapons of choice either. Maybe Greed should have been less of a coward.

It had only been one day. 'She wouldn't have picked up my level of control That fast but she's so much better than me!' Ling thought. The thought was true for about ninety percent of things. He might be more patient, and maybe just a /bit/ more stubborn. Intelligence was a hard thing to quantify, but he was probably a half cup more intuitively smart. 

Lan Fan's metal arm came down and the man she had pinned under her knees stopped moving. The circle under him was much too wet to be of use. 

'Oh that guy is dead, sorry for him', Ling wasn't really sorry but it didn't do to speak ill of the dead. Couldn't hold onto a grudge when there was nothing left to attach it to! Lan Fan, Greed maybe? They?- Weren't coming over to attend to him now that it was over. Instead, her arm came down a few more times, stabbing in and out hard enough that Ling himself could almost feel the shake up to the elbow.

'That's fine, right?' he thought, picking a seed out of his mouth. They were probably just checking to make sure he wasn't gonna get up again. Ling could see from all the way where he was that it wasn't a possibility. They were probably just—

"MINE!" Lan Fan (Greed) shrieked at the top of her lungs. 

Oh no. Greed was on his bullshit again. 'She doesn't even know to spray him and get him down off the counter…!' Ling thought, alarmed. How many times had Ling said to stop stabbing them when they were already done, it was unsportsmanlike. If Greed broke Lan Fan's arm Ling would make him pay for it directly out of his personal funds.

"I really should have told her how to push at him. That is my bad," he winced. In fairness to himself they were playing nice and he didn’t see this all coming. It would’ve probably just started a slap fight earlier. He held his position to see what they'd do next. He didn't think Lan Fan would appreciate him intervening on something she could do on her own. Greed had stood her up so they were at the very least bipedal again. That had to be an indication of her doing okay!

-

Lan Fan was not okay. Greed had done the deed and made her positively filthy in the process but he still hadn't come down off going off his rocker. Without another thing to want the burning wall of fire had turned into a superheated but painfully still lake. The stillness let noises filter into her ears as Greed stood, unresponsive. She heard a twig snap that was not from her lord’s hiding place.

That man they had fought didn't seem to be as skilled in explosives as he would need to be to cause the kind of damage he had on Ling for all Greed recognized his chi. 

These bastards traveled in twos!

/DAMN IT./

 _DOWN,_ she demanded. She didn't push but without having something to do she felt a glimmer of Greed actually hearing her this time.

? 

_DOWN!_

Greed got low. Finally, something! She couldn't move but if he was moving for her it was a means to an end.

 _There is another! Are you going to act human now, are you going to use words?_ She aimed a mental kick.

Bad things came in threes. This wasn't over.

 _Use your words, Greed! I am using my words and it hurts and I am still doing it!_ It did hurt. Getting through was taking major effort. _There is another person. We cannot see him now but he is HERE._

Mine.

_STOP IT. YOU WANNA GO BACK TO LING OR NOT?_

Uh huh. 

_EXCELLENT. FOR THAT TO HAPPEN YOU NEED TO /LISTEN/ TO ME SO YOU DO NOT FUCK THIS UP. IF HE GETS KILLED WHILE YOU WERE SO BUSY TEARING THE OTHER'S THROAT OUT WE ARE ALL SCREWED, YOU UNDERSTAND? YES?_

She had a shot- maybe. Ling was close. Greed was being stupid but her lord was mostly not. Perhaps she could go for a singular arm and give some sort of outward sign things were not right as rain?

-

Greed was crouched, Ling thought he might be looking for something or maybe he was just all worked up from all that. It was hard to tell but it looked like Lan Fan was okay with the exception of a large welt right between her eyes. She'd had her mask on before if his memory served?

She must have got her bell rung! Maybe that was… why… Ling regarded his sense of the pulse for the first time. He could feel Greed! Like lightning building, power collected around Lan Fan. Greed wasn't looking in his direction but an arm rose shakily and yanked one of her bangs like a bell pull, dragging her head forward. 

That was pretty obvious. Time to go and help now. Ling carefully pulled himself and the bag from the bush. Greed turned towards him, claws and metal alike dripping.

"Gre-" Ling started to say before the wind of Greed appearing a foot from his face in a split second blew his bangs back from it.

Ling felt that he could practically hear the wind whistling between their ears. He was most definitely bleeding from a head wound, blood ran down their face in a few riverlets. Lan Fan's bun was gone, hair loose around her shoulders. 

"Looking a little peaked there Greed, Lan Fan, good?"

Greed? Lan Fan? Just stood there. Energy, red energy, crackled suddenly and the blood slowed from her injury. 

"Anyone else behind those eyes? Hel-loo," waving his hand in front of their eyes, Ling blinked.

Hmm...they were probably not great, was the thing!

"Greed, you're actin' weird. Let her go, drop it." It certainly wasn't Lan Fan acting like that. Greed growled.

Ling raised his brow at the growl but stepped an inch closer, "Lan Fan, you gotta use your brain, if you can hear me you gotta shove him. Hear me? Shove." He mimed a pushing motion. What the hell had happened in the five minutes they had been gone?!

"Greed how you are behaving is making me and Lan Fan upset. You can't fix her if you're crazy." The bleeding had stopped but the injury didn't look healed. "Look, see Greed, we're both hurt, you're not doing a good job!" Ling indicated his wounds and how even his hands and arms had barely healed cuts. "Spit her out! Not your chewing-on-people toy."

This was turning out to be very difficult. It was harder to talk him down off a fucking shitfit when he was in front of the walls Greed put up and not behind them! Just beyond hearing Ling thought he could sense high pitched ringing.

'Oh he's in the cups,' he thought distractedly.

"Lan Fan my most precious moon cake please put a leash on that, you're scaring your majesty!" he entreated. His smile was fixed on with glue. "Is he saying any words in there or is he beyond them?"

Ling was nervous to reach out, he didn't want it taken as an aggressive move. He carefully placed the bag he held on his shoulder on the ground, making sure not to take his eyes off them both. "Greed my equally esteemed desert item of your choice- Gonna go with probably flambe considering the mood here- Would love some language or proof of sentience?"

'Don't make me have to defend myself, don't do it, c'mon,' he thought. Where was Lan Fan? "Would you like some berries? I'm pretty sure they're okay to eat!" Ling pointed to the bush he'd been hanging out in.

"I'm not going over there to start hugging because I've seen enough viscera for today so if you wanna come over here you gotta gimme somethin' to work with!" he laughed. It was only a little forced.

Lan Fan was trying her goddamn best. Every word felt like an uphill battle. Her lord was also trying. He was doing a half assed job! Greed was- Well he really wasn't. He was cut off from pretty much everything but a word or two from her. She thought he recognized Ling but it might have been instinctual.

_Stop. Doing!_

He had stopped! She got him to do that! Insisting it was her or heavier concepts just got him confused. She didn't know how to shove! Her lord’s advice was appreciated but it was not helpful!

"You fucking HAUNTED JELLY BEAN!" Ling yelled. "DO YOU WANT ME TO COWER AND BACK AWAY? I ALREADY MADE YOU CRY TWICE AND I'M NOT GUNNING FOR A THIRD TIME BUT I'LL ABSOLUTELY DO IT!"

Ling shuffled forward another step and was pleased to see Greed step back.

"Breaking you out of this with your deep dark fears of people not liking you is a Not Nice Thing and I am giving you the option of me not resorting to it! I'm being generous!!! I'm the one that's gonna have to fix your delicate psyche after this. Would prefer you not make my job harder!!" He'd worked so damn hard. Whatever, Greed could scream at him later.

"LAN FAN'S NOT GONNA LIKE YOU MUCH IF YOU KEEP THIS UP."

On Lan Fan's end, yes, she was annoyed, but not much more than usual. Can't dislike someone more over what was an accident. It wasn't either of their faults. She wouldn’t beat herself up over it. Their threat was keeping their distance. Acting like a wild animal and stabbing a corpse as a threat display while charging at her ward and him visibly having trouble with talking her down probably was keeping them cautious.

"YOU CAN GO ON A RAMPAGE LATER WITH ME, PUT A PIN IN THIS. NO HOLDS BARRED. YOU KNOW I'M GAME FOR IT. BUT SHE DIDN'T SIGN UP FOR YOUR BULLSHIT LIKE I DID." When Ling had signed up he at least had a pissy but sentient version of the homunculus.

That was kind of her lord to admit but being obligated to be responsible for his safety meant that yes, she had to sign up for the bullshit. She'd rather they not rampage later but if it got them out of this mess she'd promise almost anything. Lan Fan felt nauseous, more in touch with her body than before. Her sense of touch, of pain- besides her head, had been dulled. It was coming back. Whatever had pinched in her shoulder felt better.

 _Need… Greed better. BE BETTER._ Why was it so hard to think? Not like his majesty's shouting made it easier, but it might be having some effect. Greed had been the one to take that half step backward.

"NOT BEING FAIR ABOUT THIS! LING'S GOT HIS OWN PARANOIAS. TALKING IN THE THIRD PERSON WHEN NO HOMUNCULUS SO PRETTY MESSED UP RIGHT NOW. Got LITERAL holes in me from my treatment so you KNOW I'm serious! Did I MENTION how much they HIT ME. THESE BURNS ON MY ARM ARE RECENT ADDITIONS!" He held up an arm and pulled up a sleeve of his shirt. "Someone got creative with a local source of flame, you think I'm not furious!?" 

Ling thought quickly even as he rambled. 'Mercy, Lan Fan what did you DO to get him like this? Did you ask for him to go crazy or something?!? I know you wouldn’t have done something like that -

-Wait. We had to go full Central to get this bad and that was a bad day for us…' He reasoned.

Had she caught it bad in the moments he couldn't see her? Greed hadn't acted like this for the grenade, for the other threats! Oh sweet buns he really was compromised. Ling had taken his eyes off them for but a moment and a greater threat than a point blank grenade made an appearance in that time?

"GREED, STOP SLUMMING IT IN LAN FAN." If he was gonna act like this every time she had a little near death experience then their trip home was gonna be short! 

Ling moved even closer and Greed moved back an equal amount. “YOU GONNA RUN ME THROUGH? Probably wont work like last time! FINISH THE JOB YOUR FATHER STARTED, MAYBE?" That was a mean one. Even Ling hissed at himself for taking it that far. Greed shivered visibly at it. Ling heard his claws clink as he clenched and relaxed a fist.

“YOU GONNA HURT ME? NAH. You gonna hurt Lan Fan??? Nah!”

He addressed poor Lan Fan, "If you can hear me, sorry!! Used to him!” He took a breath, "MY BODYGUARD AND /MY/ HOMUNCULUS. PROVE ME WRONG!" Their foreheads were almost touching, Ling clenched some things he’d retrieved from the bag behind his back. 

“Lan Fan, you're better than this!” If Greed was going to not listen he’d play to her- it was two against one. She’d already illustrated to Ling she needed help so it wasn’t like she was without any agency. Greed loomed at him even though Ling had a foot on the body he was occupying. 

“LET HER GO. YOU'RE NOT ALONE. SHARE.” He’d made sure Greed was never alone again. Ling as an emperor- not as Greed’s friend, not as his savior, and not as a captive, would still want him around. Even in rough times like this. How would someone else fare with this situation? Not well! Ling knew enough to not have an ounce of true fear.

-

Steam practically leaked out of Lan Fan’s broken ears. The cogs were not meshing right. 

Pushing wasn't going anywhere. Ling was getting desperate, she could tell. She had an idea.

Sometimes the winning move was not to play. She couldn't fight Greed, a wild declaration, she would pretty much always choose to fight! But she didn't. She stopped. When she stopped and let go she felt Greed falter. He'd said ego death wasn't fun but it would only be for a second.

Maybe it was that she was fuzzy or maybe it was that he was so far gone it didn't need anything but her deciding to do it for her to be not just her.

His claws rattled and his breath ached through lungs that felt smaller, he felt smaller, and from far away he knew someone he knew was upset with him. Two someones? He had messed it up and-

-no he hadn't. She was fine. Not 'fine' fine, but fixably so and he was being an idiot again. He needed to stop because… something was the matter. And the person that was yelling was Ling?

-

Ling knew he would be fine. He was probably the only person who could come out of a specific problem unscathed. Both of them felt things much stronger than he did on the surface. Since Ling could keep his shit pretty close to the chest the difference meant when they flared up nobody was there holding it down so it just sort of!- Exploded! He’d have to keep that in mind for the future. Watching them, his two most precious assets, have their breakdown, hadn't been in the plan. For as much as the combination was usually a treat.

Ling banked on a fact he’d have to trust with everything he had; Greed and Lan Fan would rather die than see him (more) injured. He stood up to his full height. He’d been able to intimidate the hell out of Greed on pure nerves. He’d do it again!

-

Lan Fan gasped, scooting back from being Greed to only seeing him in the darkness that was their shared mind. This was better. He was that face again. She saw he didn’t even know she was here, he was looking down and muttering confusedly. She would remedy that! 

“I need your help.” 

The toothy face looked up at her, “Ling?”

“DO I LOOK LIKE LING?” she spat. She was bigger and a lot closer, looking him right in the eyes. “ARE YOU DONE?”

-

“GREED. BUD. YOU KNOW ME,” Ling reached carefully for his clawed arm. With those two there was no one in the world, no one more equipped that knew him better. The claws unexpectedly shot toward his face. Ling didn’t flinch. Greed valued him for a lot of things but he’d always talked at length about the grit. 

Only fingers hit his cheek with a wet ‘plap’.

Ling beamed, weak at the knees, “Hello, yes, that’s my face. Welcome. I know you like the visual but if you’re gonna play in all that red can you wash your hands before?”

“Ling,” one of them coughed out. 

“Uh huh, that is my name! You’re passing with flying colors today, you two! Is it that Lan Fan is… hmm -was- I guess… bleeding pretty hard in the head region the reason we’re doing this right now?” Ling asked. Greed hadn’t moved despite reaching out. “Lan Fan don’t tell me you’re dead, I won’t like it.” 

Ling? Greed asked. He was now referring to the one they were prodding with disgusting fingers. A possibility grew in Greed that that was who it was. He investigated the grin, a positive identification increasing. Whoever it was wasn’t backing away.

“You guys are gonna need to break it up. Twitch an eye if you get me? Greed it is very touching you would go on a bender for her but I’m sure Lan Fan is sick of it by now. I will take my chances in the woods alone unless you guys say different right now.” Ling let them get acquainted again.

“No.”

Ling clicked his tongue, “Alright. No as in you don’t want me to do that, or no as in it is not good for you both in there, or just a general no?” 

“Yes.”

“Y’know that one is on me. I expected too many words and also gave you a free answer at the end. Let us try this. Lan Fan alive? Nod? Stamp foot?” 

“Lord.” 

That was fantastic! That was Lan Fan! “Lan Fan Hi! Holy Shit sorry for all of this.” He shifted what he held behind his back to one palm and freed up his stronger arm. “Okay my retainer it looks like thinking or doing is a little hard right now. When I say three I’m gonna do something and then I’m gonna need you to shove him as hard as you can.”

She could try?

“One, two…” Ling wound up. “THREE” He slapped her hard, decking her right in the left cheek and WAS HE SORRY HE WASN’T ONE TO RESORT TO THIS WITHOUT CAUSE!

“ARE YOU OKAY?” The force of his hit, which it hadn’t been hard, he couldn’t really gather a lot of staying power, had knocked her head down. She looked up at him, cheek barely red. 

“Like I felt that leaf caress my face,” Greed snorted. 

“OH LOOK WHO DECIDED TO COME BACK TO THE PARTY!” Ling crowed. He was SO relieved but also he really wanted to deck the other side and make it even. “What did I say about losing it! Think I said no!” he admonished. What kind of rage strategies had they spent nights speaking about?

Greed looked down. “Sorry.”

“Do not apologize to me! Apologize to Lan Fan!”

Another sorry fell out of his mouth.

_‘S’kay._

They stood together for a moment. Awkward with the silence. “Greed, Greed,” Lan Fan asked, mouth a little swollen. 

“Yes?”

“There’s another one.”

HELL. Can it stop today, can it just stop??

They turned and saw kunai shoot out of the brush at their backs. They hit two with their metal arm. Ling knocked another away himself. They might be wrapped up with unseemly drama but it was still them. Very dumb to give a position if you couldn't stick it first try. Ling made sure to kick away the two that had stuck in the ground. None of that now, he knew an opening move when he saw it!

"Can you two take this?" Ling asked coldly. 

"Who do you think we are?" Greed asked.

"Not too good at your job, care to tell me different?"

Gonna take that, Lan Fan? 

_Uh Uhn._ Greed finally noticed she wasn't doing so great.

_I am fine. Finish this._

She brought up that Ling had hit them with his left hand, keeping his right behind him the entire time.

He had a secondary plan, good for him. Greed got hers quickly. Yes he could do that. Her pulse fanned out, there was the bastard. They banked like they were going the opposite way, dodging a few more sharp things that came from various points of the bush. If Ling couldn't take care of himself through something so simple he deserved what he got. No he did not. Yes he did. 

Greed used her speed, that was one thing her and Ling shared. It had taken him some doing to figure it out, and maybe a mental fissure. Goading their target close was easy. He wanted Ling so they'd give him Ling. They made some 'mistakes', it was also simple to act the part looking like they did. They nursed the shoulder that should be more painful than it was, knowing that asshole had probably watched his buddy try and take them on. He took their status at face value. Playing lame was galling but strengths were strengths, this one was smarter. Ling had the bag open at his feet.

So what's the difference on getting into danger and exploded this time? 

_Nothing. We are both hypocrites._

"Favorite number is what?" they called. 

If the dick that had tried to kill Ling couldn't make it stick they would!

_I can't die, right?_

No you can- 

_Great. Do your job._

"LING!" 

Ling had learned some things this trip. He really didn't like explosives but using them on /others/ was something else. Pull pin and throw- easy, foolproof, and direct. Those two weren't nearly far enough away but if they called he'd answer! Lan Fan shot forward as the twelve explosives fell from the sky, grabbing their target in what amounted to a real death grip.

The bag had been so heavy to carry but Ling was glad he'd thought to bring it. He was even gladder he'd not used the grenade he'd hid behind his back before. His plan had been to blast Greed back to sense luckily had fizzled. There were better uses for twelve grenades, Greed thought so too! Ling supposed getting caught in the crossfire still counted. Semantics.

At least Lan Fan couldn't act like she was taking the high road, they were all self destructive to a point- "What can ya do?" Ling shrugged as the bombs set eachother off. Hiding and playing it safe had been new but it allowed him to be in the right place at the right time to do /something/ productive!

As much as Greed disliked jeopardizing another party (or two if Ling counted) not being alone this time was a fine thing. Lan Fan knew better than to tense up when the blast threw them which made it easier when they hit the dirt. Having the advance warning of a second was nice!

It was clear that Ling And Lan Fan would Destroy themselves without him so it was very altruistic of him to provide his services. Privately Greed wished dearly for Mei to not get it into her head it was okay for her to do things like this or he was gonna keel over from stress. She'd kill him, she would.

They got flung pretty far, Greed’s shield held like he knew it would. Ling was thankfully far enough where he was unscathed, though it was loud. He walked into the smoke to see that their problem had been reduced to a smoking crater. Greed was curled in a ball some feet away. "Greed you're alright, is Lan Fan? 

Greed checked while uncurling. It wasn't like before where there was nothing. "She's a little knocked for six. Got a thick skull, she’ll be fine!"

He had been saving and doing cost to benefit analyses on how much he could spare with what kind of juice he had so that was why she was able to pull off more. She was hardier than Ling ever was. Unlike Ling she hadn't made an effort to get hurt or take blows just because she could. Still, even with armor blunt force trauma hurt. Bruises to hell and back. Ling had made him retool a ton of strategies as they tested exactly how much he was capable of, Greed just didn't think with her track record she'd bring him to the absolute limit of even that.

"Think...am good for two a day, with those, not three," Lan Fan mumbled. The black of the shield crackled away 

"It was cool as hell and you know it," Greed smugly replied. Ling kneeled down next to them when Lan Fan showed no signs of getting up.

"I am dizzy," she said, blinking a lot to try and concentrate.

"You sit this one out for a second," Greed held up a palm to tell Ling who was starting to see if they had any injuries to quit it. "Yes Ling, we're okay? Stop fussing." Greed could tell way better than he could if they were injured.

Lan Fan giggled on the ground. Both Greed and Ling paused to look at her. Or really Ling looked and Greed looked back at him like he'd hiccuped at an important dinner.

Greed amended his thought, actually paying attention to what the body he occupied was telling him, "Nevermind, I think she has a concussion." Ling's position shifted from relieved to distressed, he opened his mouth.

"Hold on, before you start hitting me with five hundred questions- I can't hear shit, our eardrums are ringing." Greed saw him get more agitated rather than less after stating that fact. "Just shut up; I can read lips. It was a mutual decision to do it!" 

Ling put a shaking hand on her knee and pointed in Greed's face. He didn't need to be able to read lips for that part, he got the gist very well on his own. 

"I am not treating her like shit! I reserve that for you."

He hit Ling's probably helping hands away as he got carefully up to make some distance from the crater of their last hurrah. There were bits in there and he was sick enough already. Here came the nausea. "I'm prioritizing other stuff first- you just get to talk to yourself for a bit. You should've had some practice by now?"

Lan Fan was blessedly there in their shared mind and actually in a great mood if the singing was a clue, which was more alarming than it should have been on paper. "Let us sit, she's sea shantying in here." (Having never seen the ocean, that was another bad mark on her condition.) "- Go make yourself useful and get me the canteen then sit your ass down."

_I am blurry._

"Yes dear, you are." The ringing was pronounced but guessing at what Ling was asking at the moment was easy. "She says she's blurry Ling, get the canteen and stop nosing." Greed made a shooing motion with a wrist. 

In her mental form Lan Fan looked up at Greed like a sad wet rat. It was sorta hazy to his eyes. She not only felt blurry she was Literally blurry.

"When I'm hurt you tell me to shut up," Ling griped, canteen in hand. 

"Are you saying words, Ling? I'm not looking at you I can't hear anything."

_You are blurry?_

"Okay Lan Fan that's great," Greed snapped his fingers a few times to Lan Fan's delight. "Ling, give me your cloak- I need a pillow, help her down."

"Why am I helping her down? You're controlling her, can you do it?" Ling softly cradled the back of her head and laid it on the cloak he'd balled against a tree that he had practically ripped off his body once Greed had asked for it. Elevation was important.

You're a fucking champion- time to not go to sleep! Greed kept that one between him and her, Ling knew some about concussions but Greed telling her not to go to sleep suggested this one wasn't mild. It /wasn't/ mild but omission was a big forte of his and if it made Ling more comfortable he'd drag the tool out. 

Ling would go to sleep like a total child. Are you better than Ling? Couldn't hurt to stoke her competitive side. Lan Fan stopped swaying back and forth to look at him sourly. Bingo.

"HELP A GIRL OUT YOU WASTE." Greed shot at Ling.

"I AM HELPING!"

"DO YOU LIKE YOUR BRAIN GETTING RATTLED?" Greed had picked up two concussions so far with Ling but those weren't as bad. He had told Ling at the time they weren’t! Nor were they in an unfamiliar body in an unfamiliar part of town with less than optimal conditions. One was barely worth even telling Ling about and the other they'd had an antique chair smashed over their back in a brawl so Greed just had to play ‘sleepy time’ until they crawled off to spend a few hours pinching himself to stay conscious and talking Ling through it in an alleyway. Ling had woken up to a reassuring ‘blood ain’t yours’ to which his rejoinder of ‘oh thanks!’ should have been sarcastic, but given it was Greed he was genuinely happy to know.

_Shouting makes blurry worse._

"Pia's all bruised. Okay, okay no shouting." 

Meanwhile in their mind it wasn't so quiet.  LAN FAN LAY DOWN YOUR BRAIN IS BROKEN. 

She'd taken the call to arms badly and thought she could get up. Ling would get up. Half of Greed's attention had been split gently preventing her doing so.

DOWN. DOWN, GIRL. SIT. I CAN KNOCK YOU OUT BUT I AM GENEROUSLY GIVING YOU THE OPTION TO STAY DOWN YOURSELF SO YOU DON'T HURT ME LATER. Why was it when she had a literal brain injury her mind was suddenly stronger?

Ling had a lack of anything to do again. He elected to hold her hand and ask plaintively what more he could do every few beats. With the adrenaline gone he was spent again. His body could support only so many life or death situations a day. 

Greed needed him up in case he needed an impromteau trepanning in the fucking goddamn woods. He did not say that because hopefully! If he was good! (He was, he was! He'd fucking have to be!) He wouldn't have to ask!

He kept Ling on his toes another way. "Thanks for the support you weed!"

Ling kept her elevated with the cloak and leaned against her shoulder. He sat straighter at the verbal jab.

Greed forced her to stop taking control again.

Lan Fan you have blood on your brain if you get up again I'll kill you, he said dangerously. He initially joked about having to babysit when he got paired up but he now realized that he'd been unwittingly prophetic.

 _Is that bad?_ She asked, innocent as a new calf. 

Yes, it is bad. 

_It’s inside me? Blood's inside? It’s where it is supposed to be?_ She paused to think. _Greed can fix?_

NOT HOW INTERNAL BLEEDING WORKS, DOLL. 

She smiled like butter wouldn't melt in her mouth, _Fix it?_

'You have got to be kidding me this is Ling two. Get me out, I'm done. I am renegotiating my terms after this, I swear it,' he thought to himself. He'd probably forget after the heat of the moment passed. 

Unlike Mei I am NOT a licensed doctor! If you want my back alley treatment you have to Stop. Moving. 

She decided to acquiesce after that dubious admission. _'Kay Greed, you help me._

He heaved just.. the longest protracted eye roll he could. 

"Are you fixing it?" Ling asked.

"Ling. If you talk again-" Greed's volume rose for half a second. He sighed through his nose and closed his eyes, amending his tone. For Lan Fan. "Do you remember in the sewers when I ignored you successfully for four days? I will break that record." Ling flinched.

"I will tell you if we require anything. You’re not even in my head, I can tune you out so fucking easily. So do us a favor and shut. The fuck. Up."

"Greee don' be mean to young lord your nice." Lan Fan's wavery voice floated out for Ling to hear.

"The only vocal contact you’ll get is Lan Fan singing about how her brain's broken now." Greed finished. Ling goggled at Lan Fan's obviously cracked brain.

If Greed wasn't so occupied he'd desperately want to start dragging a hand down his face. He was tired too but damn these kids would not stop! Could they stop for five seconds?! Maybe he could smother them both just a little bit just so he could have a minute to actually get ahead. No grenades, no self sacrifice, they were fresh out. No taking any more hits, no being a tool for a higher calling. Selfish now, now, now, now.

"One more thing, while I have both of you here and hazily listening— HEAD TRAUMA FUCKING SUCKS FOR ME ITS HARD TO FIX DONT GET IT!!"

"Yelling again," Lan Fan pouted. 

"It's /fiddly/ unless you want to stop seeing color. This is also directed to you, Ling, because I know it is just a matter of time before you go for it."

Ling nodded. Greed was probably right. 

It was not hard to fix being so small but it was delicate just like a tooth, too many nerves and not much room for error.

"I do understand the cloying appeal of head trauma. Hell, it used to be one of my favorite activities, but I've owned up and changed my habits so you all can do the same with far less of an excuse." 

Ling nodded again, Lan Fan made an effort at nodding but Greed had locked her out so she just sort of gave an affirmative.

"Teeth are also connected to the brain, I bet you two little bastards don't even know that, do you? Right to the brain!"

"Really?" Ling asked, interested in something besides being as annoying as he could be for a moment.

"Yes actually."

"Huh, Weird."

This was why the human body needed a ton of improvements in Greed's opinion. So many redundant systems. Teeth didn't need that kind of priority, it did nothing except if something got infected it could get in the brain. Humans had a ton of teeth but only one brain. Greed supposed he was humans now. Bad design all around, right up there with knees and spines. Just a bunch of systems in a trench coat just barely interacting well enough to function.

He'd barely done much and Ling was much improved. 

_What you do?_

He hadn't meant that thought to be public.  Fixed some of Ling's shit, don't worry about it. Sorry Lan Fan, that stuff needed souls or I'd do the same- 

She wasn't listening to him. She'd found that gravity was a construct that didn't apply in her mind. "Oh she's havin' a time."

Terminal velocity was gonna make her more sick if she didn't stop.

Lan Fan, don't do that. 

She stopped mid spin, halfway upside down. _Okay! Trust you!_

What.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It really doesn't stop, does it?


	18. Earned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We get lost for a bit, in the realm of the mental landscape. It is easy to not know where you're going without a map!

Upon meeting the child he would hopefully elevate to rule the country, Fu was painfully unimpressed. He was of the clan but it was not like this was his first emperor, or even the first hopeful to the throne that he had met. When he was but a child himself he could still remember the messy changeover to their new ruler. The child that sullenly greeted him now, torn away from his playthings to meet his supposed protector, spent most of their first encounter trying to shove a crayon up his own nose. 

Needing to be protected started young for these princes and princesses. They wouldn’t reach a semblance of adulthood until thirteen. Fu knew at thirteen no child should be considered mature but it was ‘adult enough’ for it. It being the palace— having to defend yourself, being expected to survive, wasn’t unheard of. The farther away from the capital a child who lived in Xing was meant it just happened less. Among the fifty that would be vying for the crown turning thirteen meant they were officially 'on the menu'. With the older set going for each other nobody had time to waste on children. Of course it still happened but it meant one was /soft/. Veritably lowbrow and uncouth; What- couldn’t handle real threats? The children paired off amongst themselves enough, though the rate of actual 'commitment' was low. Mostly scare tactics and jostling, some maiming- the typical sibling banter. Ling Yao had already been there and done that. That was why his clan wakened their contract to Fu. 

Fifteen was when a child started their profession, they either started to learn a trade that wasn’t the family business or they moved out to live with the person that would teach them how to get by in life. Kids in the sticks learned earlier by virtue of being on a farm, if they could walk they could lift a bucket and there were always chickens to feed. Fu started his training to be a bodyguard at that age and Lan Fan should have as well. She got her ‘credits’ early, being a special exception. They had to move her up a few grades considering grown men kept having trouble with her. 

When Lan Fan met Ling Yao a few days after Fu did she was barely four. It had been her birthday a week before, which was why she had insisted to come see the ‘pwince’. Fu doted, he knew he did. But what was the harm? 

Ling getting a designated bodyguard early meant that not only was he protected but he was also seen more as a threat. His clan chose Fu well. An old man looking after a young girl wasn’t threatening enough to bother with. Those that knew Fu by name knew better but those that knew Fu by name were very few. 

Most trade was presided over by families or conglomerates. The Yao did well enough. They had lucked out with the land they had been granted by an emperor so long ago that very few could even remember his name. They were pretty sure his namesake was the local river, or maybe the ridge where they mined? Nobody was very confident. The Yao represented a few other fringe clans who depended on their pull in court to sell their own wares and not get totally skunked on the deal. Bigger business meant a clan weighed heavier. The Yao also had their sheer numbers, but what they really excelled in was making sure they always had skin in the game. Distribution would always be lucrative, and distribution rights always worked in negotiations for things like basic human rights. 

The Yao clan was not poor, but they were not rich either. They hadn’t bothered much with their heir until he’d survived infancy. Much like thirteen was ‘on the menu’, past five a child was expected to know enough to get on in life unhindered. If a child didn’t make it to the benchmark their /dear/ emperor would come to sire another, if said family didn’t have another one on back up. 

Many contract bodyguards like Fu were sent to 'school' to learn the general things together and also do some early pitting against each other. When they passed the general exams they got taken in by a family to learn the more specific tools of the trade. If they washed out, that was it for them- most left to start lucrative and/or short careers in gambling and mercenary life. 

The Yao clan had had Fu on contract for a very long while indeed. It was actually Fu’s entire family, though Fu and his little granddaughter were the only ones left. Her parents hadn’t lasted long during the last insurrection. They were gone not even two years after she was born. She had her father’s eyes and her mother’s temper. The deaths were thankless, common, and cruel, but many things in Xing were. She had told Fu later that it didn’t hurt her to know that her parents had died for a cause they wouldn’t ever achieve. She would have to achieve it for them! 

Fu had been willing to finance whatever life she wanted when she grew up enough to voice it for herself. The problem was, with no one to watch her he’d had to… bring her along for much of what he did. Even so young to still have nightmares of 'monsters' Fu knew she had the bug. People didn't scare her. When other kids her age were learning to walk she was learning to backflip.

Letting her and Ling meet was good and bad, the little brat of a prince was fiercely competitive for as much as he acted like it didn’t bother him. Lan Fan learned best by example. Fu wasn't good with kids when they were so young, but it was easy to point at the boy and say "see, this is what we /don’t/ do". Fu wouldn’t treat him like a prince until he earned it, that much was sure. He really hated these spoiled babysitting jobs but the pay was good and Lan Fan had someone that she actually wanted to play with. 

Fu didn’t encourage the behavior Ling knew got the most response at the palace, a time he chose to look down his nose at Fu got him rebuked most viciously. Stealing a kunai had landed him in time out- to his shrieking ire. Ling learned the backflip soon after little Lan Fan had, Ling learned how to sit and listen the minute he saw Lan Fan do it. An equal got a great behavioral turn out, so Fu brought his granddaughter to ‘play’ so much after that that it became routine rather than a treat. At least he didn’t have to leave her at the landlady’s where she’d cry and read books she shouldn’t have been able to get her little hands on. 

From his perspective, watching those two interact, he caught on very quick that while the boy was a /brat/ of the highest order he also was not as stupid and feckless as he let on. He learned. Quickly. And he only needed to be taught once. After a while he caught the boy reading advanced literature even when he insisted he didn't know how to at all the day before to the tune of a juvenile grin. Fu shouldn't have thought of him as just a brat, maybe that was a bad angle. Almost as soon as he stopped thinking so and playing into that little weed's game Fu began to notice his strong sense of justice as well as many other hallmarks of an actually good ruler. 

Ling shared openly with Lan Fan, unconcerned about her rank and how Fu was thinking of enrolling her in the same hard school he'd barely got out of with all his fingers. Ling absorbed everything Fu said with equanimity, asking pointed questions well beyond his years. He jumped at actual praise with hungry desperation. 

Actually, the kid was super food motivated in general. When Fu had found him collapsed with little Lan Fan dragging his unconscious body from the courtyard they had been playing in- even Fu was shocked for a moment. Everyone knew the emperor's children had various maladies. Ling Yao's really set in when he started to grow.

As Lan Fan grew and got exposed to others from other clans she adopted the more diverting mindset of subservience, which Fu really didn't agree with- but Ling never treated her that way, so, it was fine. Ling maintained his youthful equal handedness. It at least helped her keep a leash on her temper

They did have appearances to upkeep.

It was just.. with her it went from 'appearances' to "Lan Fan, please stop".

When Lan Fan was barely old enough to understand what 'prince' meant she hit Ling. 

If Fu didn’t see the smack take place he wouldn’t have believed it. Ling liked lying. Lan Fan would have tearfully told the truth after a prompting question but Fu initially would not have entertained the possibility. They had been ‘playing’ or more accurately Lan Fan had some inexpensive toy bauble Fu had gotten her and Ling wanted a look. He’d taken it right out of her hands which got her to snatch it back quicker than a bee sting coupled with the sound of the small report of her fist hitting his cheek echoing in the courtyard. 

Ling held his face in abashed silence, eyes wide with what Fu could only peg as intense curiosity. Lan Fan committed to her action by telling him off, “No. Grandpa says we don’t take. Wait your turn!” (Lan Fan was a little fuzzy so young that her Grandpa was not Ling’s Grandpa as well.) Fu did indeed teach her manners, to defend herself, but she had hit a prince of XING. He hadn’t even laid a hand on the boy (yet), ((though he’d wanted to sometimes)). He didn’t even know what to do. Ling had only responded by stating evenly that, “Nobody had /hit/ him before!” and, “You’re fast! Do it again!” He’d even held up his hands to try and block. Fu rushed over even as Lan Fan pulled back another fist obligingly.

If Ling had shown Lan Fan tons of attention before he was almost glued to her after that. Someone who didn’t care about his status or his gifts? He asked her thousands of questions about her life, her grandfather, the landlady -(they were moving soon, more money and a prince to guard meant Fu was destined for quarters much closer to the palace), anything he could think of. It was like he finally got that there was an entire world out beyond his fishbowl of an existence.

Lan Fan grew out of many childish things far earlier than Fu would have preferred. Even when she became a young woman it was hard not to see his grandchild begging to be picked up- even when she was tearing some enemy apart- limb from limb. Just like he taught her. 

It seemed like just yesterday he was teaching her to aim.

“Don't you use these techniques on Grandfather but if anyone ever tries to touch you or makes you feel unsafe and Grandfather is not here-

“Eyes,” she said quietly but with a heavy dollop of conviction. 

Fu rubbed his own and pointed to them, “Yes my granddaughter, you can go for the eyes but eyes are up here," he gestured at the height disparity "- and hard to get to.”

He wanted to clarify, her being only four and on the small side as well. Her answer hadn’t been wrong, just premature. 

She was a very good and sweet girl, very diligent and smart already, but she- she really reminded him of her parents. Her trained, battle hardened parents. 

“So, look at what Grandpa is doing, what you do is you aim here and then RUN LIKE HELL and get Grandpa and then Grandpa makes the problem /go away/." He pointed to a historically sensitive area. 

She studied what he showed her for a beat, “Oh. Hit them in the di-?”

Fu's knees actually hit the dirt, he clutched her shoulders, “WHO TAUGHT YOU THAT?”

“Ling.” She pointed to a peach tree behind her beloved Grandfather's head.

Fu turned, “LING /YAO/.”

Ling might have fallen out of the tree like a tossed sack of corn but his recovery was quick when he ran like Fu had demonstrated Lan Fan should. Too bad his still tiny legs could only get him so far. 

Ling learned how to run well very organically, mainly by putting himself into positions where he needed to. 

\----------

Fu was always there for her. He had shaped her raw talent into skill. But it was her decision to follow Ling from the only home she knew when the time came for it and she stressed that heavily. In Ling’s case Fu had raised two grandchildren after all. In all the ways it mattered at least. He had his oaths but to his core he was also committed to what Ling proposed for Xing. When one had a grand purpose many of the smaller unfair slings and arrows (real slings and arrows as well) were easier to stomach. Ling would look instead at his future plans with the sparkle in his eye he got when he could not and would not be talked down from something. They got so embroiled in his pace they believed it during those times, as almost unattainable as it seemed to be. 

Lan Fan spoke often of her oaths as she hid the quietly stubborn child under duty and subservience, they were also crutches when things got tough. (As they constantly did.) Ling somewhat took duty to heart as well- he internalized their oaths as himself having a duty to /them/ to do right by the people that laid down their lives for him. 

It wasn't so dramatic as "we only have each other" 'cause what, they openly admit that? What were they, /insane/?

If they failed the Yao clan would be disgraced and punished, yes. They had seen it enough with others but their group would survive. The next emperor had to propagate the cycle. Literally. The Yao were strong and numerous, they were important in trade and commerce. They wouldn't be razed to the ground. Probably. 

The clan's "support" was fleeting while Ling and Lan Fan grew into double digits. They had not wanted to back their collective meal ticket and make him a target but whispers said he also was not very promising. This worked for Ling in some ways so he did little to dissuade an organically grown rumor, but in others he was left to take the lack. The particular lack showed itself in many ways, like him only having two bodyguards instead of a team of six. Six was why they called the position a ‘hand’; five subordinates and a leader or tactician. 

Having a woman as a bodyguard wasn’t unheard of. Many of his sisters and some brothers had more than a few. A woman could take the throne, women had killed many potential candidates. One of Ling’s sisters exclusively targeted others like a black widow only for the thrill of it. 

A girl though, a girl and an old man, was a different story entirely. Fu barely looked an outward threat when Ling turned five. Those in the know treated him with respect, but as time passed not many new people got to be in the know. Someone didn’t get old at the palace unless they were under very specific conditions.

Ling wasn’t much to bother with anyways was the main takeaway. Proper royalty would listen to their guards, they got them so young to act as advisors against foolish or deadly action. The best delegators and the ones that wouldn’t elect to be prideful little snots tended to live longer. When a whisper of ‘leave it’ from those guards came, the smart ones would. Their guards were not necessarily looking out for their charges, they had not wanted to deal with Fu and the sharp eyed little girl he inexplicably kept with him. No overt loyalty, if they were lucky Ling Yao would get killed on his own. 

The thing with loyalty was, what it ended up being, was that even though all guards swore oaths there was a tenable difference to what those that swore those oaths held them as, a job or a duty. How hollow they were. If push came to shove would they protect the people they were charged to protect or would they leave them to the wolves?

-  
  


When Ling decided to leave it wasn’t a light thing, he knew that searching for the stone in his country was a waste of time but he too was reluctant to go. Stuff at home was getting bad in the last year. Before recent times he would only lose siblings once or twice a year, perhaps three on a bad one. The month he left there had been three. It had been time to go for a while but the world itself was telling him that it was now very much time to go. 

Fu said he was ‘still in his prime’ but Ling joked that he was going to seed when they left. Best to take a trip and make it easier for him. 

Ling had started out a carbon copy of many others at the palace, on the surface. Fu had simply brushed away much of what Ling had hidden under and paid him mind like nobody in his life had. He had initially simply treated Ling Yao like the child he was, a child with a duty, but still a child. How was he to know not being treated like a thing would have such an impact? Setting boundaries was something that young children needed. Ling had craved them almost as much as he craved attention; though no kid enjoyed boundaries, he almost liked them. Fu had begun the task from a place of almost selfish want in that he surmised it would be better not to be contractually beholden to a sociopath, but it bloomed to something more. 

He had some reservations on raising Lan Fan to be his successor but she had the skill for the family business. She was good, in so many ways she was good.

Fu could see an honest to heaven future king in Ling as he matured. He knew he would do it someday but to see it done Ling would require the best help Fu could muster. He would have to be there to protect him until he could do it himself. Or he contracted out. 

-

It wasn't a ringing endorsement, but later cautious tolerance of a possible protector that was not his granddaughter said a lot.

If it was one thing Fu and his cherished granddaughter shared it was their pride. Their aim had been to protect their lord /from/ things like that. Fu admitted he did not want his only grandchild busting her back over holding everything together when he eventually wasn’t there for her. He’d been looking for someone else. He had not thought Ling would-

There had been a conversation. Quick and dirty- as much as one word askings and answerings between he and his granddaughter could be called a conversation, concerning their lord and his... New friend?

He had probably done a fool thing like offer it a regency. Their lord was always like that, only one piece of food and would half it, no consideration about himself. As long as he thought he would get a better offer in return for what he was giving up he would go for just about anything. Even That.

Ling thought the alchemist's ideas of 'equivalent exchange' were funny. His deals /always/ favored him even if the person (demon? Sin? -They were not sure-) he was trading with thought the same. Why would he even offer the deal unless not?

Fu perceived that-... his treasured granddaughter had- uh, some anger issues and many other issues besides. He also gathered that Ling Yao was… Hard to pin down. But he was good- and Xing would rob him of that goodness so he would do anything to support him and not have that happen.

He was not too sure about the new one, that other one, in the few minutes he got to speak with him but Ling seemed sure.

That new one heeded his direction where it counted. 

**\-----------**

It had been a while since Lan Fan visited but there had been extenuating circumstances. Fu would understand. Maybe not exactly /why /there were extenuating circumstances but it was because of their lord so Fu would absolutely get that something had been afoot.

She cleaned his grave and left fresh flowers.

"Ling did something stupid. Again," she opened. "Grandfather I know you will not be surprised in that our lord is.... dumb." 

She looked around as if the empty yard that was Fu's resting place had ears. "I am sorry that it has been some months since I came to visit, it is not very dutiful of me... but you know I cannot leave him alone for long. Especially these last few months." She frowned deeply, updating Fu on what had been happening after they got home from Amestris had been much of her last visit. "The... this is not good news but it is news-" she tried a smile, but it was stiff and small, "is that he will no longer be alone? Ever. I know you did not say it but it was a concern of yours, that he would be lonely. You... didn't get much time to speak with- ah less of a force and more of a him…" She was really dissembling but she didn't know how to phrase it. "Ling dragged home another thing."

Lan Fan took a deep breath, grinding her feet on the gravel she stood on, "Grandfather it is AWFUL. I HATE HIM!! HE... HE IS THE WORST! He says he wants to rule? He cannot rule his way out of a paper bag and Ling is entirely too trusting! I cannot STAND IT." She tried to lower her voice. 

"They keep saying 'halvsies' and I do not know what it means and he has got our liege doing uncouth things and he thinks he can be emperor some of the time and Ling just LETS HIM!" She was yelling again but no one was there except her and Fu.

"-and he keeps not leaving me alone! The homunculus! He calls me and gives me things, I think he is /mocking/ me! He wears the lord's face- you saw, and LEERS at me. Ling.. the- our lord, he says he is just a 'big ol' softie'. I do not see what is so soft about a monster!!"

Soft for someone that could do that with carbon? Soft for someone who was such a bratty hardass? It was an oxymoron.

"I have to threaten him just to keep him away! He yells all the time and causes trouble! He has changed so much about how we…" Lan Fan trailed off a moment thinking about what she was saying, "No wait that was his majesty.. and he made Ling ru.... no that was before." She shook her head, trying to clear it of confusion over her mixed responses. "He is a bad influence!"

She did think these things but she was also honest. Fu deserved the honesty too. Air flowed out of her mouth in a hissing sigh as her temper moved off.

"Ling is happy. Being emperor is his right, it is why we supported him, and for a while that was enough. He is doing well, as I have said when I came to visit you before. Besides... some of the problems- things are getting better. But he was not happy before this 'life event'. Being an emperor shouldn't concern whether you are happy or not but-" She wrung her dry handkerchief, "I do not think he really laughed for months before."

Ling Yao had laughed many times being emperor, politely, meanly,....drunkenly. But not with pure joy. Lan Fan knew the difference, she'd watched him enough. She just -hated- exactly why it had made a reappearance.

**\----------**

Fu would most definitely give her a scolding for much of what she was /very directly/ embroiled with. Why she was so set on thinking about him during these times of stress she didn’t know. Why had her mind recalled Fu when that gigantic idiot had pat her on the head as best as he was able did not make sense. 

He couldn’t have known that the action was special.

\---

Fu would be proud of them, maybe not for all of it- not for the irritatingly stupid things. 

Lan Fan remembered thinking during the Promised Day how her lord almost felt smug, she had thought it was Greed but literally crossing wires with him told her a different tale. Long cons took a long time, funnily. Ling almost never had the patience for them. It had to be something really good he was holding out this long for, though she couldn’t see it. Long form plans were vague with him but he was already in such a keen state of mind coming to that shit country so she wouldn’t be surprised either way. She had expected to hear all about it after everything wrapped up but things- they had happened. It wasn’t often Ling acted like he lost at a gamble that they had obviously won. She recalled the term ‘delayed interest’ with extreme distaste. 

The thing Ling had decided to hold out for was getting very comfortable with speaking her name, so in her case it was a lose/lose. 

\---

Greed was obsessed with how this arrangement was and how when he talked to her she gave him attention. He could feel it now. She could ignore him all she wanted but he could feel when it went from not hearing him to wanting not to. It brought him just as much entertainment as obsessively flicking a light switch on and off back when electricity became commonplace.

\---

Obviously he cares. He trusted her to do the right thing not even knowing her. As if him caring was ever in question. He’d gone a little coo coo at even the suggestion of her getting hurt and that was just the overtly obvious stuff. Subtilty wasn’t a useful tool (to him). So what if he was bad at it? She wasn’t used to asking for protection or needing a boost but he knew she knew it could be ‘okay’ (ringing praise, really). 

Why did he even have these powers if not?

\---

Really as she got used to what Greed actually was she didn’t know how to put up with an almost sickening amount of... doting because what the hell else was it? It was like those grandmothers when she was little, picking at her clothes and hair, asking her if she had eaten. She supposed the comparison was appropriate. The ages seemed to match up somewhat. 

If he came at her with a spit covered handkerchief she was /done/. 

Lan Fan had put up with the love of smelly bowls of dried flowers. She should have seen it with the love of hard candy and being ridiculously out of touch with some things. She had thought that it was just him being childish but it had turned out to be the exact opposite. He would fight her on it, he would insist that the pocket candy was to shut Ling up; but she had his number. (Though it was also to shut Ling up.)

It was the same reason grandparents brought pocket candy to visit screaming grandchildren. If you gave Ling a caramel you could buy twenty whole minutes of silence. What wasn’t she getting? It was a fine science you started learning once you got over seventy. Whippersnappers like Wrath wouldn’t get it. Though calling Lust ‘grandmama’ was how he died once, so- mileage varied. Pride was the crotechetiest of them all! 

It still was rude as hell for Ed to think that calling him ‘Greedpa’ was gonna end in anything but Lan Fan having to pull him off of him. 

Ling hadn’t got the wordplay as fast as Greed had. He’d taken the time to try and puzzle through it. Oxygen deprivation from Ed’s hands on his neck didn’t help. Greed had got into that mess- it was his problem. As far as Ling was concerned it was a free nap and a free insult for later. He would always take a free one of both when the opportunity presented itself. 

When he got the pun it was a weird thought but not a wrong one. Greed's views on women were dated. Ling was aware he was trying to be ‘chivalrous’ but it just came off dangerously out of touch. Greed’s clothes had cycled back around to what he called ‘cutting edge’ due to the advanced age. Greed had explained to him that fashion was very circular. Greed’s willingness to sit in the same place for an endless amount of time and watch things go by? It reminded Ling of the old politicians knocking around the palace easily.

He got a new lease on life recently so having a few crises to catch up for lost time was fine. Ling didn’t care one iota about maturity but it just made it so when he found out about the age thing after months of close association all the weirder. 

\---

Greed casually dropping it would have been a great move to unseat Ling in confusion if he had done it intentionally. Ling had thoughts that he’d been dealing with a few months old man child until the other shoe dropped.

After Greed got his memories back it explained why he’d passed out for, like, six hours. Ling suddenly feeling like Greed’s side of the brain had a lot more going on than days before made him nervous. It was even worse when his investigation turned up that even with newly old memories it was more than what should have been standard. Ling's power of recall was pretty perfect and it ‘felt’ like much more than double or triple what Ling had. 

How old was this guy?

_Greed, how old are you?!_

Greed had suppressed a jump at Ling deciding to be quiet for hours only to hit him with a question about himself out of the blue.

“What the HELL do you want? Oh.” he could answer a question about himself. “Don’t know. Two hundred and six? Maybe seven? First couple of formative years were harder to track. Didn’t get outside much to see the passing of days.” Why was Ling quiet again all of a sudden?

_HAHA! Funny joke!_ Ling replied after a protracted silence.

What was the joke? It was hard to think in anything less than half decades. So what if he got the year wrong? And then Ling was trying to shove him aside! For what?! 

“HA! Ed, hey Ed, Greed says, get this, Greed says he’s over two hundred, isn’t that /funny/? Two hundred days maybe! Greed, a year is three hundred and sixty five days. Not when the sun goes down!” Greed fought against getting shoved but Ling already had given up the spot. It wasn’t for him to think that he had free reign- but Greed was more suspicious of how Ling was acting to be angry over the slight. 

Ed looked up from the fire pit he’d just finished digging for the night. “Yeah? And? Think Al mentioned it to me?"

Why were both of them so calm about this? Greed wasn’t lying, Ling knew he wasn't! But he could think something factually false was true and say it with no problems. Ed's cooperation complicated things. 

Ling had made some miscalculations. He refused to sweat about it. 

Nothing had changed, per se, but experience was something to consider. In Xing at least someone got old by being a bastard. He wouldn’t make a big deal about it. He didn’t need his new… hmm.. Friend? ( Possibly?) -thinking he had any new edge. Ling was still fifteen, admittedly a seasoned fifteen but still fifteen. (Had his birthday passed already? Sixteen, then. Happy birthday to him.) The important thing was going by the feeling of tomes of what Greed suddenly had access to, if it attested to anything, Greed had a lot of seasoning all of a sudden, too. 

Ling would have to admit that there was a chance of Greed knowing shit. He thanked every star in the sky Greed was stupid. He would never shirk going to shrines again, nice offerings and everything. Someone up there was looking out for him. 

\---

Through context clues Lan Fan was made to understand that Greed was an adult. It was hard to tell often but he spoke about events that were before her time with the air of seeing them first person. If she were to put an age range on it she had been thinking something about him screamed 'midlife crisis'. Her vague collection of things she had been able to learn and things he exhibited about himself meant her first guess had been mid thirties. Ling had mentioned that homunculi could live longer without aging, so she added some time. He thought Wrath was old, or maybe he acted old while Greed acted young? She couldn't bring herself to really care, but it was best to try and learn things about the entity her lord had decided to bring home (and bring back). She also liked to have her insults be more targeted if she was going to take the time to voice them. Ling casually dropping factoids wasn't the best way to go about learning.

-

Ling had gotten some century eggs. Everyone knew that they weren't preserved for an actual century but the ones he'd obtained were apparently years old. 

"I don't know about these, Ling, usually eggs don't last weeks but a hundred years?" Of course Greed took it at face value. Ling laughed, a bright spot in the gloomy hall they had hidden in to snag lunch.

"Figured you'd like something that could rival you in age that wasn't a liquid," Ling snickered. It was a total gag gift but if Greed liked them he'd get more. It was no different than pickling a food to make it last. 

Greed had sampled tons of pickled things, owning a bar meant he'd stocked a ton of gherkins and little onions, yes even the occasional egg. He looked at the pine colored eggs dubiously. "The thought is there but-" 

Lan Fan spit and coughed around her regular hard boiled egg. Rivaled him in /what/? "They are not a century." 

Ling frowned at his jig being up."Yes, these aren't." He held up the eggs.

Both?-of them blinking up at her said different things about Greed.

"Somethin' up, Lan Fan?" Ling asked, taking her expression as more than confusion over him trying to trick Greed. Jars and other preserves had been the quickest thing they could grab and hide so their lunch consisted of many such things. The regular hard boiled variety of egg had been left on a counter to cool. He started to layer blackberry jam on bread they had also stolen. (It wasn't stealing- he laid claim to everything in this whole palace. Greed did too, remember? Two weeks in and Greed was still coming to terms with the major bump in status). The seeds he was going to be picking out were so worth it. No matter how many times it was strained some always got through. The kitchens were already well aware if food was missing there was a short list of offenders who could have done the deed.

"They got like, two century eggs or something, Ling? I'd be down for eating one of those just to say I did. You okay, missy?" Greed asked Lan Fan. Humans usually didn't get that red over nothing.

"TWO HUNDRED?" She asked, wonder and caustic disbelief making her eyes huge.

"And change!" Ling added.

"TWO?"

"Centuries, yes?" Greed tacked on.

"TWO!"

Ling went to put down his bread that was mostly jam. "Did I never mention that?"

"Yeah that statue over there is three, what's the malfunction?" Greed gestured at the piece with the bread before Ling could put it down and a gobbet of jam fell on the floor.

"NO!"

"I know I don't look my age, it's the skincare." Greed cradled a cheek that he certainly didn't start last year with. Ling laughed again at the insinuation. "Philosopher's stones are just a high quality day at the spa."

"YOU DON'T ACT YOUR AGE!" she spluttered. 

Greed was hung up on how he was supposed to act two hundred. "Yes, I'm up on all the latest trends?"

"Lan Fan didn't you notice all the weird old references and words he uses?" Ling questioned. The retainer he revered sometimes could be a little slow on the bigger picture but that was a big thing to miss!

"I THOUGHT HE WAS SOME SORT OF WEIRD HIPSTER."

Greed smiled and brushed crumbs off his chest. "Oh Ling- she's seen my cool clothes, she thought I was cutting edge, told you I was!" Ling kept to himself how 'cool' was very much in the eye of the beholder.

"NO!" Those clothes were awful but that was not what was important right now. "YOU'VE GOT A TWO HUNDRED YEAR OLD GHOST THING!!" Usually pointing at the emperor of Xing in such a way would constitute at the very least a jailing but Ling allowed it from those on a short list. Lan Fan happened to be at the top of it and also not one to ever point so this was providing lunchtime entertainment in many ways.

"Yeah?" Greed corrected her a little, nonchalantly, "Not very accurate- but yeah?"

Ling was also nonchalant, though he erred on the smugger side of the emotion. "I'm pretty sure the palace is haunted with ghosts five times his senior, I don't know what you're worried about."

Greed mentally knocked Ling for the ghost comment, he knew fucking better. "I'm not a ghost, I don't blame you for not having reference but it's /insensitive/." Ghosts were paltry things with no substance, no staying power. It was insulting!

"He's perfectly safe, Lan Fan." Ling and Greed knew that Greed really /wasn't/ but to Ling he was. Greed would argue Ling was most in danger but that would only get more laughter. He did not like the safe comment!

"I realize Lan Fan— I've been terribly rude. You have not actually officially met Greed, have you?" Ling asked 

Introductions had been made in that something in Ling turned around to tell her he wasn't Ling on the fly that while ago. But no, not really officially. 

"Let's do it now!" Ling indicated himself but clearly not himself, "Here, Lan Fan, this is Greed, you've met. Died for me, risked his life a couple times, saved my lifeeee I returned the favorrrr- we're trying the whole co ruler thing outtttt- he's a homunculussss-"

Greed nodded at Ling's list, he'd said nothing in error. He bowed very slightly, "Greed, avaricious, good ta see ya'."

Ling's smile widened, "Greed, my retainer, Lan Fan. Only got the one but you'll see that that is not a problem," his expression denoted how she would be more than sufficient, "you guys kinda met. Sagittarius, favorite food is- you still like those cherries with the chocolate on them? Blood type is A."

"Oh Ling, by the way, if you need a transfusion you're a universal recipient now, though if you can get it B is still good." The perks of poisons and other blood based additions being not much of an issue extended to other things too.

"Really? Nice! Isn't that nice, Lan Fan? She was upset that she couldn't do that if she needed to," Ling explained to Greed.

"Ohh, well happy to oblige, nice to 'meet you' Lan Fan. Name's Greed, sure you know that, current occupation- twofer, Ling here and half emperor. Geddit, 'occupation'? Doesn't seem like you get it. Favorite food is basically anything edible but-"

"HEY, THAT IS MY FAVORITE, TOO!" 

"Uh huh, don't interrupt, brat."

"Sorry Greed."

Greed’s eyebrows followed his eyes in an exasperated rolling motion but his tone wasn’t angry. "You're not.” He zoned back in on Lan Fan, “Anyway, not sure of my star sign, depends on when you count when I was born?"

Lan Fan’s lip curled slightly. 

Ling could not decide if formal introductions were a net positive or negative concerning her opinion of Greed but he settled on that it was at least a good idea! He was the host in this situation (in more ways than one). He should have already initiated introductions forever ago. He had dropped the ball. 

Yeah, come on Ling, you really did drop the ball, Greed shot privately. He took most of Ling’s cues in court when it came to polite society, he wasn’t going to introduce himself ‘officially’ without his say! It was under the umbrella of the ‘formal bullshit’ he’d spoken to Ling about and said from day one “I’ll learn what I have to but that is /your/ bag to hold”. That and going up against Lan Fan’s scrutiny alone was something he had been avoiding. He wasn’t sure where they stood and he’d like Ling’s experience in that area. He’d known her all their lives. As much as Greed said he wasn’t a coward Lan Fan wasn’t going anywhere and if he wanted things to stay as they had been (nice and him not a stain on the ground) he’d continue to be slightly careful. 

If he was gonna bring up people that weren’t gonna be going nowhere he was pretty damn locked in himself. He’d heard Lan Fan’s name in passing, in Ling’s mind, and later on audibly hundreds of times. But not from her. 

“I’d like your name. Officially, mind,” Greed flashed his teeth. He wanted to be careful but not that careful. 

“I am not introducing myself to a pet rock.” Ling noticed she even put her nose up. Even in front of him she was that set on making sure Greed knew his status. 

Greed went incandescent but had the smarts to do it where Lan Fan wouldn’t hear. Ling pushed the spitting yelling away from the forefront of his mind and rubbed the back of his head. Lan Fan was able to see the splash of cooking sherry on flame that was his chi lighting up for a split second before Ling covered that too.

“He’s not a pet, most of the time.” Ling would leave the addendum because with Greed busy he could be more honest and not engender more ire that wasn’t already taking place. “I adopted him!”

“Like a pet?” Lan Fan asked. Wow, she really wanted to piss Greed off bad!

“No. He may be a rock, a ‘bad’ one,” he added after a pause in that she was surely going to tell him he was ‘evil’ or some such. (A stone of a personality that was evil enough to constitute a cardinal sin at least) “-and I do value your opinion. I know you don’t like the rock being emperor with me. But in this I am resolute. I have adopted him into our clan. Officially recognized, in that I am the topmost officiant recognizing it.”

Lan Fan snorted in disbelief. It was amazing the types of reactions Ling was able to get out of her when it came to the homunculus, he hadn’t heard a snort from her in years. “He’s either adopted as a pet or a grown ass man- you tell me which is more preferable. He's got brain problems, he can't be on his own!” Ling laid it out plain. 

Greed had been listening intently ever since Ling retreaded that he was family, he took initiative to point at Ling, which was directly in his own face, “/YOU/ HAVE THE BRAIN PROBLEM!” 

Introductions had started to spiral. Lan Fan had not said anything except to call Greed a rock while Greed started to bicker with her lord, for the hundredth time. That was the least insulting insult she could have gone with. She tapped her foot while Ling smoothed things out or at the very least asserted that he was not done speaking to her and put Greed wherever the hell he went when he wasn’t where she could ‘see’ him. 

Ling didn’t mind her being petty, in fact he’d been begging for it but it was slightly not the time. “Lan Fan I like a new word I learned. It's called ‘technicalities’, Greed taught the application to me. Here is how I would use it; If he's made out of me, which he mostly is, that is basically twins so he's got retroactive claim,” he smirked and clapped twice, “I also learned 'retroactive'!"

Ling gathered that she was hating this conversation. Possibly a more defensive salvo was needed here. “You liked when I adopted Mei!” he tried. 

“Mei was already your sister!!” It was possible that she was taking a ‘tone’ with him. He was excited at this development but Greed still needed defending. 

Ling pressed his palms together, representing what he was talking about, “Some bonds run deeper than blood, except ours is /also/ blood and— STOP TALKING. STOP IT. SHUT UP, EVERYONE STOP. SHUT THE FUCK UP!” Ling knew that reaction was coming and let it play out as it was going to, looking for a weak moment to break through to bring it to a conclusion. 

“SOUL FRIENDS, LAN FAN!”

Greed slapped a hand over his own mouth but took it off to scream down at his chest. “SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH.”

“Greed’s shy,” Ling sang. It was child’s play to take the reins back.

“I'LL /KILL/ YOU.”

Even Lan Fan did not hang anything on that ‘threat, “You have so many siblings my lord, WHY!?”

“Don't like those!” he explained. 

“He doesn't like them!” Greed followed up, anger snuffed like it had never even happened. (Literally dozens and Ling contracted out, wasn’t that a lark?)

“I'm sure there might be another Mei in one of them?” Lan Fan stuck to her guns. Literally dozens and Ling was contracting out, that was awful.

“Nope! Checked!”

“He does genuinely hate ‘em Lan- uhh Ling what am I supposed to do here, is it Miss Lan Fan?” Greed went with Amestrian rather than Xingese, it was easier. There was a lot of societal shit he was still missing when Ling explained various statuses. Not to mention, where did Lan Fan fall in reference to Greed himself? Miss was safe. He wasn't sure if just pointing at her with 'you' was better.

Ling closed an eye in a wince, “No she’ll hate that.”

Lan Fan thought the solution was easy, “Do not call me ever, you do not get to use my name ever.”  


“But what if it's important!?” Greed asked. 

“It will not be important.” 

He put a few fingers on his chin, “Was the one time.” Greed was cool and even but his voice, tonally in afterthought territory, didn’t match the ragged knowing grin. 

‘He’s got her there,’ Ling thought, he nodded a few times internally, Greed caught his ‘eye’, pointing at her silence with a ‘zapped her but good’ mental jab. 

“Given your other options are an array of weird colloquial Amestrian nicknames offering your real name with a POLITE suffix- would think that would be preferable? What else would you want, missy? Little lady? Doll?” Greed offered, pushing that he'd won the skirmish with another attack.

Ling ducked under to laugh. _Yeah those are gonna go over Great you societal infant._

“Do not refer to me,” she snapped, she also refused gracing any of the other names with even a negative comment. “What sane centenarian likes hanging out with teenagers?” She would ask Ling something much more important instead.

“Never said he was /Sane/,” her majesty chuckled. 

“Hey out of eternity two hundred is solidly the beginning of life! Only recently did I pick up an expiration date!”

“That is also an argument I guess you can make! To talk about the other thing, yes in terms of mentality he's, uh, TENUOUS. We're workin' on it!” They were working on it! Ling had started in the woods but now with a Greed who wanted to mostly (some of his ‘flaws’ were JUST FINE, thank you!) work on it with him meant they had made no small progress. 

Greed mirrored Lan Fan’s foot tapping and crossed arms, “-And EXCUSE me I HATE hanging out with you, this is most definitely a -downgrade- I HAVE to hang out with you.” 

“I'm his senior living home!” Ling said happily, “in charge of making sure he goes for walks now and then and eats his vitamins.”

“I don’t have to take this!” Greed growled, You can deal with this on your OWN.

“Greed likes hanging out with us! If you say no it’s a lie,” Ling teased, shouting after Greed even though he was shutting his ears and ‘leaving’ for now. 

That took forever. He would leave for a bit, for appearances. Let them know he was serious. They could enjoy their time alone and without interruption /without/ him. ‘Perfectly safe’!- go a-fucking-head Ling, just run his reputation into the dirt. Yeah he was a shield, okay, but also shut up? ‘Grandpa’ would take a nap. It had been his intent the whole time, of course. He wasn’t Ling’s to just trot around town and have people make assumptions about him.

Ling had expressed a secondary thought that he wanted to chat with Lan Fan like they used to, and Greed was raring to take a damn nap anyway. He’d only been back a few weeks, he was tired damn it. What he was not gonna do was take these shit teens being mean to him for no reason. So, after puncturing the veneer of deference to Ling the emperor Lan Fan had all the time (she was gonna be a tough nut to crack) he could take a nap! 

That first week was him talking shit and taking a big chunk outta the pie, week two was recovering from that and now on week three they had been finding a medium. Ling was tired but it was a good tired, not like it had been. Greed knew he himself would be fine in the long run but it had taken a lot to pull him back together and then not draw off Ling too much as he got used to it. He got better with that every day. Being half gone he’d been drawing worse off the kid in his unwanted oblivion. It had worn Ling down some, which caused a lot of problems to a system that was already close to a hothouse orchid. Ling of course didn’t take it easy while all that was happening. Ling who had ‘overcompensate’ stamped on his forehead did all that he did while Greed was ‘gone’ of course. Naturally.

No souls wasn’t so bad. It wasn’t like he was using them for anything important anyway. He didn’t get hurt a lot on his daily grind so he ended up doing dumb shit like scaring the delivery boy by having his noggin caved in. It was why Greed had wanted true immortality, he hated controlled resources. Maybe he’d been self destructive? How could he have self preservation instincts on his own? It was important he had things to preserve, like the mean as hell teenagers. Especially the sickly one that would surely die if left unattended. Though now there was the little dark one that also looked ‘self destructive’- and a pink one! The pink one was probably okay on her own but as long as he was collecting things he could go for that one too.

Ling meanwhile, as he chatted to Lan Fan about nothing, Ling caught that little dodge that Greed was tired but wanted to leave on his own terms. Greed thought he didn't- pretty damn tidy! For all he called Greed stupid it was becoming rapidly less. Or really as he settled into things it was more like his latent potential was becoming more apparent? It turned out that Greed wasn’t just faffing about for over two hundred years with no rhyme or reason. That was the majority to be sure, but, and Ling had caught bits of this behavior before, now that Greed had a goal and was invested in something. (A healthy goal, a do-able something, not a bullshit one like ‘take over the world'.) He was… pretty good at things.

Ling barely thought about the next thing, he could only be so mature about it. Greed had not only a goal but people he cared about in conjunction to the goal. There had really been a feeling of ‘not gonna mess this go around up’ the last few weeks, underneath everything else. Probably why he’d been taking the helm so much to actually need a nap in the middle of the day… Or- ...buying enough time for Ling and Lan Fan to just chat? Like the old days... 

Greed had really pulled some strings- oh the sly-! He managed to finagle lunch and them being in the middle of six meetings where the other six parties thought they were meeting with one of the other parties. Under Ling’s own NOSE!?

Damn. That meant he was gonna have to think of something nice for Greed /and/ hide it from him. Damn. 

The battle of one upping had only just begun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ling gets called a weed a lot in here but it fits him, hes obtrusive, wont stay down, gets all in the cracks of even a sidewalk.
> 
> As for the emperor's children i bring it up in /a/ fic, though i cannot remember which, that Ling's dad's genes are shit. Ling got off easy with what amounts to weird nutritional deficiencies. 
> 
> Put it this way, calling someone 'an emperor's child' isn't a term of endearment. Ling may have had 50 or so recognized siblings but there's probably literally hundreds walking around.


	19. Trust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I'm a bit late but I think today of all days would be good for a distraction, don't you? In this chapter Greed gets first hand experience in the back woods practitioner business! Welcome to a nightmare!

“Stop poking at memories. Get the hell out of my stuff and PAY ATTENTION!” Greed yanked Lan Fan out of some old odds and ends. He thought Ling was hard to keep on task! Where had she even gone?

She regarded him warmly, showing him empty hands. “Don’t have money!” 

Ohohoho this was going to be just a /great/ however long it was gonna take to get her back to yelling at him and shooting him dirty looks. “I need you to focus,” he said, serious as a heart attack. Or, keeping with the theme, a /brain injury/.

She narrowed and widened her eyes a few times, visibly trying to concentrate. “Okay Grandpa.”

Greed rubbed his face and toyed with a collar on his black long coat, furrowing it between pinched fingers, “No. Try again.” 

She squinted, “Okay... Ling?”

“Nope, try-” he looked down at himself and how he looked at the moment, “alright that’s a fair one, hold on.” Greed took up ‘old reliable’.

“Hi monster?" The very confused patient tilted her head like she sort of knew who it was that was the big giant face. 

She started to tilt in the direction of where her head went to begin spinning in place again. Their mind didn’t have a floor unless there was one and to her there wasn’t a need for it. 

“No spinning,” Greed ordered. 

“Why?” she slowed but didn’t really stop. 

“You're bothering me.”

“Oh.” She righted herself and scratched the bridge of her nose, “Can I touch your teeth? Are they sharp?”

“No, you may not.” Lan Fan had already appeared at his side, running a hand along one of his eye teeth. What was this, a petting zoo? Even Ling had waited a while until he started touching him! “Ah. I see you already are touching.” Greed tried to layer that he kind of wanted her to stop but Ling, as if he was /summoned/, was tapping at their arm out there.

He kept her eyes closed but did open her mouth, ”LING. FOR THE LAST TIME-” Ling flinched and grabbed their hand instead.

_Don' yell at him._

I am /yelling/ because he's -bothering- me and making this hard! 

Greed turned his attention back inward. He assessed the damages, pushed her out of his way, and found it wasn’t the best but it was also not the worst! Then he had to push her out of the way again.

Him getting to fix her arm helped things. Greed wasn't wrong in saying everyone was different and healing something that had to do with nerve endings before it became an emergency allowed him some grasp of what he was doing. He hated doing this with an audience. He also hated doing things he wasn't great at in general with onlookers around. Ling was never cutting and Lan Fan was… innocently curious. Like he was just showing a nosy pain how to poach an egg and not playing around with stuff even Mei had trouble explaining.

He hadn't needed to think about this stuff before when he had scads of juice. It was a matter of just throwing power at it- what the fuck ever. If he just zapped the affected area now and hoped for the best there was no guarantee, and then he would just waste what he had. With her concussion, confidence wise, he'd at least visited the areas he had to mess with. He'd pulled off something that was pretty daring not even a day before. He hadn't even given her a twinge!

The skin stuff he'd already done to fix the bleeding was the easy part, he'd done it even fully insensate. He'd also fixed scrapes and cuts of Ling's hundreds of times.

...Concussions were just delicate 'cause it was the brain and he didn't wanna mess that up! She already was a little knocked around from the previous grenade. Much like a footballer you can have all the armor in the world and a helmet but your brain is still gonna knock around it's casing. He should have noticed but he'd thought it was the stress and maybe some leftover hangover.

He worked out to in. The skull was a set and stick job, but it was only thin bone, and bones he also had experience repairing. The actual… concave part was small so it wasn't a draw. Ling must have seen him begin his work on the outside because his entire body stiffened when Greed began messing around.

Next up was the pia and arachnoid which were shredded, again small but very fragile. Lan Fan, who was tagging along but Greed wasn't quite sure what stimuli she was interpreting from his actions, ooo and aaad.

The swelling was tougher but most headaches were just some kind of swelling so he had that down pat.

Then it was time for the actual blood on the brain which wasn't much, he'd caught the worst of it quick, but again, he also could not miss anything there. Greed thanked himself that he'd gotten bashed over the head with that chair in that bar brawl so he knew what one of these looked like.

His healing had been fast enough to not even know what a concussion symptomatically was back in the 'can cut my own head off and live' days.

He had this. It was mostly his nerves and the unfamiliar workspace. If he compared the old ones to this one it was on the worst side of a bad one. Two bombs, a projectile knocking her right smack dab in the middle of the forehead, and then no real time to rest in between… It wasn't his fault and he'd not been the one treating her this way. She'd been the driver for all of it. He was totally guiltless here!

He was too tired to feel guilty. Greed may have been the least spent but he had his own share of being emotionally, physically, mentally, fucking name it at this point!— wrung out and held up to dry.

Worse, he had Ling watching. Not new. But scared about it, which was. And to top it alllll off there was little owl eyes in the daylight bein' all "Greed fix?" which he did not need. He did not need baseless expectation right now. Please go back to angry, he worked best under a negative support, thanks. This shit stressed him the hell out, /thanks/!

He had told her to depend on him some but not like this! 

Greed got the outward stuff as fixed as he could, now all that was left was some actually broken stuff in the brain proper. This was the toughie. Ling- he knew what Ling normally looked like, but Lan Fan was new.

"How long you been a homeostasis?" she asked.

He refrained from grinding her jaw and just did his own. "Been a homunculus my whole life." 

"oh okay. Is it nice?"

Oh when he got back to Ling, oh /boy/ was he going to spend the first four hours screaming his head off and nothing else. He did want this. He did want it. He had said he did- nice conversation. He'd totally expressed a desire for just this not even a day ago! She had never asked him so many questions in a row not intended to incriminate the entire time he'd known her. Why must he suffer? Hadn't he paid his dues yet?

"It is...nice, yes. But not now." Those connections definitely went with arm movement, he remembered those.

His attention was split three ways: he could feel Ling and the outside world from far away, he could sense what he was doing more specifically in her skull, and he could also feel that Lan Fan was trying her best to use his face as a jungle gym.

"Why?" 

"Because sometimes it is hard."

"Why?"

A low, hissing, nasally screech ended up making its way out of vocal cords for Ling to hear in the silence that was punctuated only by slowly returning birdsong and the crackling smolder of underbrush from many points of explosion as well as the final crater.

"What, Greed? What, what is it? Is it okay? What?" he stammered.

He opened her eyes to slits even though the light hurt. "LING. Remember in the woods when you were set on annoying the shit outta' me until I literally consumed your soul or found a way to permanently destroy my own hearing from the inside?"

He wasn't ready for a question like that, "Yes?"

"I'm there right now."

A bit of tension left Ling's body.

Greed bucked Lan Fan off the top of his head where she fell and snickered. 

"Pay attention! I need your responses so I can tell if I'm damaging your brain! You little-"

Lan Fan had fallen in a heap but she rolled to a seated position like a dancer, "You're nice!" 

"I have fucked it up already, I see! Just hold on- I need to, how does that part go again? Stupid- I never even went to school, let alone for this-" he trailed off, turning away from her and muttering. He didn't have pupils but Lan Fan got the impression of his eyes darting around in thought anyway. 

It felt neat. Her head didn't hurt nearly as much anymore! It was real hard to focus on things which was a great change from normal and practically everything was funny. This whole situation was funny but especially the big red monster face. Greed, yes. That was Greed and he was the lord's friend and he was helping her! He was /so/ nice even when he was trying to be mean. Nobody had tried to fix her wounds like this except for his majesty the lord Ling and her Grandpa. 

She startled even her own suntouched mind with that thought.

Greed put a firm mental hand on her thoughts and drew her attention back to what he was doing. It tickled! She felt pins and needles.

"No memory lane! Memories can /wait/. Can you feel your arm?" he asked. He stayed out of her reach because she was trying to climb him again.

"No!"

"DON'T GET SMART WITH ME."

The brain was a hodgepodge of over and underwritten doublespeak, it was electrified goo and oh so messy. The front part where she’d been hit had the most to do with actual body stuff- and impulse control? Ling’s was a mess so maybe that’s where the fact he had absolutely no impulse control came from? Greed wasn’t sure. He was most acquainted with the hindbrain and where the spine met the brain proper. How he worked was to bypass what the brain was telling the body and literally roadblock it to give his own input. This worked best by running a line directly to the spine where all the nerve endings originated. It was why he could cut pain so easily as well. He took the area that was telling the brain it hurt and prevented that from going anywhere. Interestingly, a lot of memories were back there as well... and smell for some reason? It was probably why Ling was able to access Greed’s memories while Greed sought to stay in control. Crossed wire or something. Mei told him once that it was the most animalistic part of the brain as well. 

While the ‘concusioness’ was still awake he told the nerves directly, and they understood it as an order from the consciousness. Ling had told him how when he was a child he often sleepwalked and even had bouts of what he called ‘sleep paralysis’. Scientifically speaking, it was a miscommunication from the brain to the body when a person was asleep where the brain locked the body out of moving so a person would not get up and go walking around. The problem in this system originated in that the conscious mind would not follow the body into sleep, creating being awake but unable to move. Ling had called the experience terrifying to a young child, but as he got older and learned what it was (not being haunted like a demon like one 'doctor' told him) it just became inconvenient. This imperfect system (the one that created things like sleep paralysis, walking and talking) was what Greed took advantage of. He tripped the asleep switch so the body in question was directly malleable and then didn’t give a damn about the conscious mind and its ability to fight him.

Greed could of course suppress the conscious mind as well but that took more work and left him feeling like he was missing something even when he made like he didn’t care about it. Later, when their deal was more even and not direct he didn’t even bother to trip the actual sleep switch because Ling knew enough to just let him do what he needed to do. Given that the boy and consciousness were tentative relations it might have been easier because of that, too. 

With Lan Fan he started where he had ended up with Ling where "JUST LEMME-" was the name of the game. He figured out quickly that he had to go the extra mile and "do it right" until she calmed down. He could have just taken full control from the jump, turned her brain off with the body but then he'd've had to deal with that weird moving through mud sensation and her eventual awakening. 

Of course when she later went to sleep on her own she didn’t cat nap like Ling and instead elected to sink into a bog suckingly deep trance.

Her faith in him was out of nowhere, it was so damn offputting. He didn’t know how to place it next to all the other things she’d told him. Things like ‘Get the hell away from me.’ and ‘Stop it or I will stop you’. 

She was confused. That’s what it had to be. She was confused and not sure where she was and who she was talking to, that’s why she said she trusted him. He trusted her implicitly the entire time, duh, but it didn’t go both ways! That was dumb! It was why he said “I’m not asking for trust,” like ten times! Greed knew that you couldn’t ask for something like that. Trust had to be /given/! He learned that real good! So, because he had to do everything around here, he’d long given it to her! 

But- as he added everything up in an internal audit while he slowly worked her back from the brink of some big problems… (He always did his best thinking when he had something else to work on)... Maybe... Had he been slow? Had there been some sort of total fucking disconnect in the him to Lan Fan equation? Was he the dumb one here? Why would she buy in to letting him stick around in the first place if she didn’t trust him? He didn’t even have sleep deprivation to blame for not getting that right on the uptake! She hemmed and hawed but even before he had something to offer her she’d still let him in, at the end of the day they were still like this!

HE /WAS/ SLOW. She was just a version of him from two years ago! 

FUCK! He was /blind/. 

HE WAS TOTALLY BLIND.

She was just fucking standoffish because she didn’t know no better. Oh fucking /hell/ it was like looking in a horrible mirror! Humans didn't let random people play with their brain and nerve endings with total acceptance! Ling had totally ruined him for how people traditionally behaved! The way she’d been acting was probably the best she’d been able to give given her various circumstances- oh shit was he a fucking /idiot/. 

Ling had absolutely told her how scared he was to sleep in the first days of Greed’s occupation, that if he did he wasn’t sure if he’d ever wake up again. She knew that it was a possibility that after they got Ling Greed could have dumped him at a village. After he was done with the revenge part he could have bailed and went to parts unknown, free of responsibility and with someone that was much less equipped to fight him off. Greed stopped working just to marvel how out of touch he was.

“She’s trusting me to fix a debilitating brain injury just based on word of mouth that I /may/ be able to pull it off. I’m-”

“Saved Ling!” Lan Fan chirped. 

“She knew everything about me, what I’d done, she still didn’t hesitate in just- I’ve really broken my old records for not getting shit, huh?-” he looked down at Lan Fan, “Yes dear we saved Ling.” Good, she was at least remembering recent events. He hadn’t obliterated her short term memory! 

Her face pinched inward in concentration. “No. Before.” 

What did she mean before? He was usually the one that made no sense but she wasn’t super together so he could forgive it. “Elaborate?”

“Before before!” 

He connected the two dots with an nearly audible ‘plunk’. She meant BEFORE. “Fucking… fucking before?” he asked. 

She nodded. Yes, that before. 

She may have had a brain injury but she was not stupid. She’d trusted him for a long time, and for sure completely since he’d ‘died’ to save Ling. It was possible that it had been even before that but that act had sealed the deal. It’s what she would have done in that situation, after all. She clumsily supplied that she would have never gone to Al, she would have never listened to Ling’s stories. If Greed had just saved the world, trapped his father with Ling’s body and chosen to sacrifice himself and Ling too? It would not have had the effect of ‘having his cake’ with going the extra mile to save her lord.

Ling had phrased it as ‘He had hit me and lied to me-!’ but to her it smacked of self sacrifice of the highest order. 

Greed had brought /all/ of his attention just to her but he wasn’t getting what she was trying to basically push on him with her limited words. Words were no good right now, but it was important to her at that moment to tell him! He was almost angry but more frustrated than anything. 

She was really beat up but she had to let him know, “Before when Greedling!” 

And Greed wasn’t sure what the shit she was talking about so adamantly but she was pushing something at him and she SURE didn't use that name.

Lan Fan was using it because she was trying to say when they were together and she wasn't sure if it was just him with Ling along for the ride but more suspicious as to who was along for the ride with whom. In those woods when it was her lord with that other one, but as they both spoke a line was being defined. A line between the Ling she knew and the homunculus who she did not. The line was stark when she recognized some of the more not so monstrous things he was doing were things Ling would do, but not all of them. Ling wouldn’t have wasted time talking someone off a personal decision of fighting a losing battle. Ling would have probably warned people once about being injured. 

So if it was only a question of only bringing him back that was more than fair. He helped save the world and to her ire at the time, looking like a better /person/ than she thought and not just a thing that tells her he's not Ling. But the second part of the equation, the part where she’d thrown her lord back in the jaws of the ‘monster’, how she intended to again after they got home- She wasn’t going to go against Ling’s wishes. He could also order her to do what he wished. But they both had not. 

She did not want to go against Ling's weird wishes mainly because she knew those same jaws did a lot of teeth gnashing purely for Ling’s sake.

The confused seed of trust was because- before- before, before, in the forest, she saw what he actually looked like (well like Ling, but also what he 'looked like') and Ling was- not relaxed but at least comfortable with Greed clamped around him like the shell on a turtle. They weren't fighting each other, something had clearly Changed.

So if Ling needed this weird thing to be stable? Fine. She could trust him. 

But during all that explanation, what she actually /said/ beyond the flashes of memory and emotion, under the raw feeling, while she held up both her hands was: “Greed,” while holding up her right one, and “Ling,” while shaking her left. Then miming both her hands coming together a bunch while looking at him like a possum in the daylight.

Greed got it. It was barely intelligible bullshit, but he got it. 

He took his thumbs out of his belt, somewhere along the way he looked like his old self again. “Okay Foucault, write your book later, let me fix this.” He picked her up to set her back away from what he was doing and mimed a ‘stay’. She nodded, now that he’d gotten what she wanted to tell him she was better. 

Having a concussion while someone else was in her head was nice. She’d survived them before by being quiet and hoovering off to lick her wounds. But given that she just had to sort of think of something and lo- it was verbalized made things easier by far!

\----------

Greed hadn’t moved or spoken in a while and Lan Fan’s heart rate had slowed considerably. Ling was worried, Greed had told him to be quiet but it had been some time. “Greed, if you can hear me I don’t care if you’re saving the siphoned stuff for me later, use the rest of it!” 

Greed opened one eyeball to Ling’s intense relief. “Fuck, you’re fine. I’m already using it and I know you don’t care about you, you stupid ass. As long as you’re doing stupid shit like complaining and eating all the cookies I don’t have to worry.” As long as he could swallow and keep food down he was fine, as long as Greed could keep enough to survive the transfer over they could always take the time to siphon more. It would work out later. As for now, Lan Fan was an expedient need and his attention would continue to be on her! 

“To be honest I literally know exactly your limits and you're being kinda a fucking baby, Ling. Lan Fan hasn't complained ONCE about her brain besides telling me status updates on how she's feeling.” He held up a finger in ‘hold on’, “Yes dear, I am fixing that, I /know/ you cant see depth perception. Normally I enjoy having two of everything but having to see two Lings is pushing it.”

Lan Fan giggled at his half assed joke which made Greed feel a lot of things but baffled was probably the biggest one.

“Lan Fan doesn't know How to complain,” Ling admonished, “like literally almost never but least of all about herself.” He amended his statement and sniffed, “She does at least take the time to complain about you all the time.” He told Greed smugly. 

Lan Fan, who had been listening apparently, took offense to that. _Ling..._ She was squinting again with the effort _.... does bad too._

Un huh, good job making progress. Very good, now is Lan Fan hurting? 

_Hmmm.... head._

Okay! Clear enough direction on my end! Greed went back at it. Fullish sentences were a better sign and frankly Ling could enjoy the silence of their non response. Back in their mind Lan Fan had chosen to lay down on the ground and look up at Greed. Greed was glad she’d stop trying to climb him.

“Greed can we play Go when we come back home?”

His monstrous face he’d taken back up wasn’t good at puzzlement but he gave it his best shot. “If you're cool playing Go lying prone on the floor by yourself while I have to fix everything of Ling’s, then sure? -Is that seriously the first thing you want to do when you get back?”

“Yeh.”

It was his turn to ask why. “Why?”

“Mmm, relax?”

“Pretty sure mind games are your idea of relaxation not mine but fair enough? I’ll make sure to pencil it in.”

“Good game for Ling, doesn't move?...Can't punch...?” she explained further. 

Ah, they couldn’t spar so she was looking for something else they could do in the meantime. “Yeah the only punch you’re getting for a while is punch drunk. Haha wow there’s like a dent here,” he exclaimed. While the majority of the damage was in the front there was some in the back from her brain getting thrown in it’s casing, not to mention hitting her head when she fell.

Lan Fan cocked her head up at him with a puzzled frown, “No good?”

“Sure isn’t Great, so yeah, you can say that! Everyone’s still able to talk or at least think-talk so it isn’t the end of the world, probably. I stress again that I am not a doctor! I know terms because Ling knows how to break things because he's useless.” He’d be honest with her because if she was trusting him to fix it he would let her know what he was fixing. 

“And no, your occipital plate should not be concave. The number of concave bones in the body is low enough I can safely make that call.

“Hmmm a ding....ding a ling a ling a ding.”

Why was he even bothering? If Ling asked “Is there anything he could do” again, Greed was gonna lose it. He disengaged from her senses in a huff. 

Lan Fan was very happy. Greed was gonna fix the no good! She’d been very unfairs to him. Not a nice thing! Ling- he the lord say. Said. Manners. Had to say thank yous too, very important! She knew that! She had… yelled at him lots today and yestersday. Was mean about it and didn’t have to be. Greed only mostly yelled when it was important. She haves- had many important things to yell at Greed and Ling. She didn’t have to make things up about them to yell. Was lying.

Even the homun..m. -Greed, didn't lie. She was better than Greed so she won't lie, too. Greed fixed Ling all the time and... helped her to go get him. He did many helps all the time. No expectations of help for himself.

Greed was ready to scream into his own hands, brain surgery was a bad time for what she was loudly thinking about. He might actually hate her at this very moment. If he was asked even a day before if he wanted Lan Fan to be a bit nicer and admit she knew he was cool? It wasn’t gonna happen so he could dream! Now that it was actually happening he wanted to be doing literally anything else. 

\---

Alright. He was gonna need her for this section, “I need you to tell me the stuff you’re feeling now. Can you do that?” 

“Why monsterface?”

“So you Listen to what the scary monster is telling you to do.”

“Not scary?” she grinned, upside down again.

“AUUUGHGG.”

She drifted sideways, looking at anywhere and everything besides him. He had the monster face because it was the default when he wasn’t thinking about what he wanted to look like and it helped him to focus. He needed /her/ to focus and LISTEN and NOT THINK IT WAS FUNNY. Just his teeth were longer than her entire torso at the moment!

“Is brain! Not real!” she helpfully supplied. 

He didn’t need his hands right now, he’d just want to strangle her with hands.

“Make some hands to teach me to snap fingers!”

He was gonna bite her. He was barely holding it back. “Ling will be sad if you have a hurt brain.” 

Lan Fan put a hand to her mouth, “oh no!”

“Yes, ‘oh no’! So what you can do for me AND Ling right now is to help us not have that happen!” Greed didn’t need the feedback loop of doing things to her senses to run through if everything was repaired. He’d use her responses to calibrate some final touches and hopefully she’d come back to her normal caustic self. 

“Now, is this worse or better? Does me clamping this closed cause problems?” he asked.

“Taste blue?”

“Okay that's different.” He’d cut himself off so he could focus more on what he was doing but he also didn’t need Ling complicating matters.

He could still feel his hand on theirs just fine. 

-

After a few more changes and some tweaks Greed felt he was getting the hang of it.

“Ling is saying ‘are we done?’" Lan Fan was getting the hang of interpreting what she was feeling to feed back to him as well. 

“Do we feel done?” Greed asked.

“No?”

“Then Ling can fuck off for now.” 

“Okay! Tell him?” 

Even though Greed would /love/ for Lan Fan to tell Ling to fuck off it was sadly not the time. “No stay here, he can wait it out. What's the square root of one hundred and forty four?”

She knew this one! “Hmnh twelve?”

“Very good.”

"Twelve’s a good number, can be favorite.” 

“Not now, not now... I wanna ask you what day it is next but I'm not even sure. Pretty sure you know who the country leader is or I did a BAD JOB.” It was the tradition to ask who was in power when testing how bad someone had been brained.

“That's Ling!” she answered happily, clapping her hands. 

“Greaaaat.” What else could he test from her? “Gimme a list of something you know.”

She put a couple fingers to her lips and looked down to think, “Sulfur, salpeter…”

Greed regarded her quizzically, “If that’s how to make a person there's probably more stuff than that. You get that from Ed?”

“No? Bomb. Charcoal… There! Gunpowder- only three things but parts of mix is important part!” she told him studiously. She started to hum what sounded like a nursery song with the key words replaced by places to attack on the human body. The second verse was weapons and where to use them.

\---------

If Lan Fan was gonna let Ling have what could possibly be a dangerous thing it had to pass the test. She could handle much worse than Ling by a necessity of her position so of course something he can take on is fine for her. She had watched Ling basically exist with the homunculus for a year. He didn’t know he was there but the homunculus didn’t really cause any lasting damage either! If Ling, who had a body that was a delicate ecosystem outside a landfill was fine then she would be fine. It was just like when she narrowly dodged sepsis and let Ling go back then, there was even a doctor who said mean things to her but was actually really nice!

This whole thing was just like how Ed couldn’t ever admit that some milk things were good. She just couldn’t live it down after so long calling it the worst thing in the world. Ling had made the best decision to help her get to a doctor and had made probably the only decision he could realistically make by trying to take on the stone. That was a huge reason in how he differed from her, as an emperor he was willing to let someone with proven expertise help him out. He knew he was a glorified middle manager. She had been too used to doing everything herself.

Her lord had no shame, he’d never taken many strong stances against anything in his life that he didn’t intend to just destroy instead of live with. He did have a strong stance against rulers being shitty so he would just eliminate the issue. But while Lan Fan took initiative Ling took the view of ‘if nobody else was going to do it he would have to.’ He hadn’t really liked Ed when they met but not enough to want him dead. He lived with it and didn’t make a big deal of the dislike so when he eventually, pretty quickly, changed his opinion it wasn’t a huge thing because he hadn’t made a deal about it before. He never had to back down on a hard opinion if he never showed himself to have one! It was good because if he showed he didn’t care about anything on the surface then nobody would take pains to take it away, or worse, use it against him. It was all very smart!

Nobody would take the stone if he did what he was thinking of to it! It was his now, the stone of course getting no say! It was interesting that the stone was even saying things to him but it was just too bad that Ling hadn't cared. In fact he was quite sad for the stone, for the personality inside had /many/ issues. He would simply repair the stone! By bashing it into submission! For instance, the stone said he didn’t care about things but he said also that he does not lie. Therefore when the stone was caught lying, like on saying he didn't care, Ling would do his best to bash it with the hammer of his good will!.

Ling would become very powerful, then he would be allowed to care about things too and if someone tried to take it away he’d have the biggest deterrent not to! The plan was good, sound. The stone could come too, on this plan. (Not that there was a choice!) It would be an offer the stone could not refuse! (It would be advisable to not refuse, as there would be /terrible/ consequences!)

\---

Lan Fan didn’t bother hiding her violent intent but Ling was sure able to if he wanted. Greed remembered how when they were out in those woods how even in his dense months of directly refuting a lot of the overt evidence that he was fucking with the wrong idiot prince Ling would say things that got even him looking. 

After finding out the kid ordered his own teacher killed at ten he shouldn't really have been surprised. It was exchanges like:

“Oh I'm glad we're lots better now, Greed. Up front with each other. So glad I didn't waste my time!"

And how something about that delivery would make Greed sweat.

“Glad that I didn't have to start over!” Pretty normal stuff, just very vague things said nicely in passing.

“New search would've been not fun! It's nice we get to go to Xing together after all!”

And he didn't agree to that shit!- And... he’d never gotten to feel a chill down his spine before either so that was a new sensation. It was all a slowly dawning realization but it did eventually hit it’s zenith. 

After all, Ling was comfortable now. No need to posture anymore. He could probably take the whole thing back if he wanted but he was fine to wait, see how it all played out. No need to waste his time fighting, and he’d invested a lot of time! He could be patient, he reasoned. Lan Fan and Fu weren’t even back yet. There was no need to rush!

Greed felt often, during those times, like he was being watched by a big bug of some sort. He brought it up but all Ling said was how he was ‘funny’ and how that was ‘an advantageous thing for him to be.’

\---

It was Greed’s turn to accidentally find himself halfway down memory lane. Lan Fan’s mind was clearer, he must have zoned out in the middle of the busywork, it was how the finances went at home so he wasn’t shocked. After a crack at it he’d often look up with dead limbs, a headache, and the moon way farther along in the sky than when he’d started. 

“Quick question Lan Fan, is Ling scary beyond all reason to normal people? Because sometimes he says a thing and everyone looks at him funny. Oh— and also how you holding up?” 

She watched him from where she was kneeling and not wavering back and forth any more. ‘He was really that stupid?’ she thought to herself. A nice full thought, all in words and everything. 

“At that point you could not die you stupid rock but I think if he put his mind to it you'd wish you could.” It was on the harsh side but it was an honest fact. Greed flinched. “I am… better. Are you finished?” 

“Not yet, but close. Just doing some final checks,” he answered back, after a long pause. 

“You should know that one doesn’t become emperor by being nice, Greed,” she followed up. Nor could one hang on to it without proving to people now and again why you weren’t so nice. 

“Ling's pretty nice, though? Or at least good?”

She laughed openly, fully intending to mock him at least moderately. “They are not synonymous! This is the first time one of your jokes brought me any humor.” (A lie, but it was the first time she admitted it!) She looked at his wide eyes. “Oh. You are serious?” 

Ling had never done anything untoward to her of course but she’d seen it so many times, they grew up together! She even got to see the learning curve. Lan Fan shouldn’t be too surprised Greed was kept this oblivious. Ling had gotten pretty good at things. He was delicate, she was not. Back when they were younger she had even gotten to see a few rare oopses before he’d learned the lighter touch. Ling had told her later that he was glad to have the opportunity to work on someone who couldn’t die, it had been a while and he often didn’t get the room to make mistakes. It was a nice change of pace. 

“Having his body taken was ‘a nice change of pace’?” Greed whispered. 

“Considering he let you take it, he seemed to think so?” Lan Fan asked. She didn’t expect an answer.

“Well what about you, you’re a mess too. Three explosions in a day and a half, explain that to me!” Greed shot back, sour with so many conflicting emotions. 

An accidental explosion undodged by Greed was different from her tactile choice of explosions, for two of them she had not even been planning on self sacrifice.

Greed was borrowing her bones so it wasn’t that there wasn’t a bone of ill will in his body, but at least none were directed at her.

“You explain to me, then, why you coddle him even though you say you do not.” Lan Fan was tired of all the times he said one thing but then directly did another. If she was going to point a finger it was him much more than her who indulged his majesty. 

“NO! I make him walk off his stupid injuries and all the shit I don’t wanna do, the putting in face time with people who would just /love/ if he died. I make him do ALL that shit. He constantly whines at my treatment!” Lan Fan had stood up and crossed her arms. Greed got in her face with his face, “You on the other hand! ‘My lord’, this, ‘My liege’ that, and for way longer than I’ve been even around I might add.”

“You make him three in the morning pancakes.”

“Because he LIKES THEM- hmm.” Greed paused in his rebuttal to clap his mouth shut. 

She raised a singular eyebrow. “Hmm indeed”

“IRREGARDLESS!” he shouted.

Lan Fan checked her nails, “Not a word.”

Greed moved forward to literally touch his red forehead to hers. “/You/ clearly act like some kinda' servant.”

She pushed her head to his, ”I AM ONE. WHAT ON /EARTH/ DO YOU THINK A RETAINER IS!?” 

He moved back a few inches, “Jailer?- No wait I got this one, it keeps teeth straight, right?”

Lan Fan slapped the back of her hand into her other palm in a quick successive motion, “OUR CLAN IS INDEBTED TO HIM. A LIFE DEBT.”

He didn’t look very impressed. “Uh huh, and? Got a few of those too, you ain't special.” 

A communal memory of Ling drunkenly talking to air and Lan Fan pretending not to see it drifted between them again. A few more memories where she had been sure he was coping when he was crying again also welled up.

Greed frowned. He’d been crying that much?

“You had wanted to know. There was a lot of it.”

From what he could remember during those times was a lot of fuzzy enjoyment and not so much the cry part. Ling would wake up, get sober or realize what he was doing and Greed would be far from his grasp because even getting close enough to communicate anything had been tough. He needed to sleep it off. Then Ling would think it was all a dream, that he was being stupid again. Then more crying or at the very least being bitter while sitting in the dark and staring at a wall. 

She had not wanted Greed to be back but things like that had made her want to talk to Alphonse. It was a case of immovable object (that she didn’t like Greed) with an unstoppable force (Ling was sad). If he had said anything during those months to the tune of “Maybe I’ve been seeing things, but-” the illusion she had constructed would have been broken. Or even worse, “Help”. It if had been “Help”- 

No matter, she had brought her suspicions to light on her own and Ling was the same volume of happy about those suspicions as she was unhappy by being told she was right. At least that open account that she owed to a certain homunculus would be closed if Alphonse was able to do what he promised. 

“So what, you claim I don’t owe you a life debt 'cause I saved Ling? Is that it? Too bad, Ling already helped me out so I was just repaying him!” Greed admitted smarmily. 

She had been happy in that moment Greed left her lord on that fateful day, until she saw his face. Greed’s expiry was easy to justify. Ling would have died, Greed literally asked for it, and Yet. She felt bad… after. Remorse for things that didn’t directly involve the safety of her lord wasn’t very usual. So, because what -was- usual, in that her mind would often do this, she had obviously directly caused the falling domino action and it was all her fault. (Greed asking her because he knew she could do it didn't count. It was irrelevant that it was a crazy situation.) So because it was her fault that Ling later was acting like that it was on her to fix the problem. 

Greed of course had followed all that, sure, but he didn’t understand it. He had no grudge on her for what she did, even though he saw that she thought he would have one. He additionally thought it was wild that she was taking so much responsibility for something that was very much not her fault. Ling hardly took responsibility for things that were actually his fault. It was an odd scene change. 

Now that Greed was properly back the festering pit of guilt that was in her mind was scabbing over but still very visible. He pointed to the pustule. “Why do you do that?” 

“FEEL GUILT?” she asked, incredulous with the question. 

He tossed his head in a big negative, “No! Jump for guilt to feel. Knew you were acrobatic but you're doing a big as hell mental backflip to reach for this. Me and even Ling barely even associate you with the event, let alone do EITHER of us place any blame with you! In fact, you got a great position going because I’m sure you could do basically anything and he’d give you the biggest B.O.T.D.” Greed smiled ruefully, “I’d say you could kill a guy but you try to all the time apparently if Edward is to be trusted.”

She rubbed her arm, “Ling gives you the...benefit of the doubt, too.” She thought about the acronym for a moment to make sure she was right.

“'Cause I earned it through a trial by fire, you don't have to earn shit.” 

\---

What they jointly did not know was they both lived in the eye of the storm that was Ling's utter trust and benevolence. It was bad for Ling at the moment, even trusting them both to pull through. Very bad indeed! Lan Fan was hurt and Greed had yelled a lot of things at him. All he had wanted to ask them after the fight was over was how wasn’t the whole thing interesting. How what he normally had was like nothing else? It was supposed to be an experience they could share and now she was on one word answers and snickering like she had been at the bottle. 

So his -experience- boiled down to that it was bad to be the third wheel. Again. Sitting in the middle of nowhere, clasping the one hand that could actually feel it of one of the only people who he gave a damn about in the whole wide world as well as the other one who was borrowing it by default. That other one had said ‘shut up’ so Ling had shut up and there was still a dead body or two, or ten, not too far away. Somehow that was the least concerning thing about the whole picture. As long as they didn’t add anyone in this immediate circle to the list it was fine. As long as Lan Fan was alive at the end of this everything was fine. Even though Ling wanted Greed back, Greed could stay right where he was as long as Lan Fan needed /anything/. Having all his eggs in one basket was stressing him the hell out.

He only wanted Greed back so he wouldn’t have any room to be thinking the thoughts that came so easily without him taking up space. When Ling had some odd shitty thought Greed would often start talking about

\- wait just a second.

Greed would bring up the dumbest things whenever Ling was having a moment.

Ling thought he was the only intuitive one here. Regardless, he didn’t like this ‘alone time’ he was being forced in, it tended too much towards evaluating himself. He’d rather be evaluating himself than having to wait this out. He squeezed Lan Fan’s hand tight and pinned a lot of hope on the fact that she sported the tiniest smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ling’s a bit...ya know.


	20. Patched

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Close calls and call backs to some older events. Greed has some questions.

Little close! The tiniest of gaps between failure and success, very close indeed, but he’d managed a full fix! Greed had admittedly— cut it a little /too/ damn close for his liking! What would Ling /do/ if he wasn’t here? Greed was so damn -good-!

Hoo, he wanted almost to start laughing, though it really wasn’t funny at all. That could have been real, /real/ bad! Thank fuck he’d stockpiled and been somewhat fastidious. Thank FUCK. Hoarding won out again!

Lan Fan was still coming around so Greed allowed himself a private round of self congratulation and the act of wiping the fear sweat off his proverbial brow. Her mind was back but the body and her connection to it was another story. He could entertain these thoughts but the second she was up it would be time to shove them under the rug for Ling to hopefully not find in his inevitable snooping later on.

-

Ling currently had circled around to just being thankful he hadn’t been run through again. There had been an outside chance of that happening and he'd prefer if it stayed a once in a lifetime event. Placing a hand on the lower part of his abdomen that had had a hole and now did not he settled on just being happy that he was in enough of a piece to function, despite the chunks missing here and there. 

“Stopped the bleeding!” Greed sprung straight upright to a full sit from where he’d been laying almost but not quite comatose. One beat he'd been breathing every few seconds and laying there like he'd never get up again and the next he was as animated as if he was telling Ling breakfast was ready.

A smile broke through on Ling’s morose face for an instant before switching to what Greed knew was a visible hallmark for an imminent frenzy of anger. Ling fell on Greed before Greed could raise shaky limbs in defense, hitting him with closed fists and open palms alike, “YOU STUPID FUCKING- STUPID. I’M GONNA -FUCKING- HIT YOU SO /HARD/. WHICH IS- NOT VERY, BUT I’M GONNA FUCKING /KILL/ YOU ANYWAY, GREED!” Ling struck at him, yelling amidst his blows. He was at the limit of what he could take and not even caring that he had to lay it on Lan Fan, too. Greed had said it was a ‘mutual’ decision to scare the crap out of him and do something stupid, so she could get caught in the crossfire. Ling was beyond minding his manners. 

“I FIXED IT, WHY ARE YOU MAD? STOP /SLAPPING/ ME, I JUST FIXED THIS SHIT!” Greed exclaimed. He tried to grab Ling’s wrists but while Ling wasn’t strong he was still slippery. 

“NO MORE APESHIT MIND MELDS ON MY WATCH!” Ling shouted, slithering out of Greed’s grip on his arms to rain down more ineffectual blows.

“I wasn’t trying to! Not my fault! Probably? If we’re telling people to do stuff, /you/ stop attracting people that wanna kill you like flies to overripe fruit!” Greed pushed him (gently, pretty gently) by the shoulders off of him and struggled back up to sitting from his forced recline. 

Ling actually spat on the ground, “It is sort of hard! Given my position! You /idiot/!” he seethed. “Now, Lan Fan!” Ling uncharacteristically snapped her name.

“She's still kind of out of it— Yes my lord,” Greed started explaining that she wasn’t up for talking maybe but Ling’s almost order snapped her back to alertness like nothing else. 

“Are you good now?” 

“How come she doesn’t get slapped at?” Greed complained. Ling sat back on his haunches, content to stop the moment Greed’s expression shifted from his frustrated confusion to her more serious and attentive look. (Attentive and not brained to hell and back! Greed had done his work!)

"You're just calling her out to pause in your berations! What, tired already?" Greed taunted.

"BECAUSE SHE COULD BE TRAUMATIZED AND I KNOW YOU'LL BE FINE," Ling explained, close to ballistic again in seconds.

"THAT'S FAIR I GUESS, BUT STILL," Greed granted, yelling to match Ling's tone even though he did agree.

Lan Fan had been doing easy things like wiggling her ankles and wrists to check if everything was okay and just passively listening to them bicker. Her lord had not apologized for hitting her but she also wouldn't have accepted the apology. While it had been her choice it had also caused some trouble for him in that… if she had caught a few thoughts of Greed's correctly, it had been a scary few minutes for the homunculus. She resolved to also not tell Ling. This was very much a case of 'what he didn't know wouldn't hurt him' and Greed had made good on his promises of making sure she was alright. Let her lord think it was as bad as he thought because if he knew how bad it had truly been he probably wouldn't have even hit Greed. Lan Fan felt Greed nod at her reasoning with pursed lips and did not tell him to get out of her thoughts. She’d been in his. 

Regarding trauma, you and I both know that shit is a mess, Lan Fan. You got a lotta unprocessed shit, huh? Talk to Al about it. 

_I do not want to take psychological advice from you, but I will Consider talking with Al if anyone because he is reasonable._

"Lan Fan?" Ling inquired.

"Yes, I am 'good'. Just having some difficulty with standing at the moment." She knew better than to get up but Ling (and Greed, she felt the push from him as well) helped her lay back against the tree rather than leave her where Ling knocked them down.

Ling chewed on the side of his cheek with thought, "Greed, people like you, you're valued, but stop getting your mess in my bodyguard's brain. Lan Fan, you're very human so act like it for once." He looked at her very red eyes, "Maybe not right now but you understand what I mean."

Greed wanted to argue it hadn't been just him but the first part of what Ling said stopped him cold. Or more accurately kind of warm, Lan Fan thought that it could be the mental equivalent of color coming to his face. "After the head trauma is healed I will try to aim for it, my lord."

"I don't like getting a talking to by hypocrite central." Greed could have kept that just for him and Lan Fan but Ling needed to know. He frowned and carefully lifted Lan Fan’s arms to cross them.

"I, as the emperor, am absolved of most things," Ling smiled, serene and not like he'd just been hitting them with everything he had minutes before.

"I heard that jelly bean comment by the WAY," Greed snapped. Low fucking blow, Ling. 

"YOU DID, DID YOU? THEN KNOCK IT OFF WHEN I TELL YOU TO!" The Father comment was unaddressed and it was to stay unaddressed so Ling could keep playing at being pissed off and not collapsing with relief. And also having to make an apology. He'd say sorry later, when Greed was where he was supposed to be and Ling could give an apology with more than just words.

"Not to interrupt this extremely productive yelling session but if the volume could go down while my head is still fuzzy that would be ideal," Lan Fan cut in. Her control was still sketchy, she was worse at controlling her own body than Greed currently! But she used a few fingertips to rub a temple. 

Two sorries followed, one directly after the other. Greed had said something about her getting precedence during that whole kerfuffle and Ling did agree that she deserved it.

"Not that I do not also want to be yelling but also tabeling may be nice for a minute as you actually have the brain in this Lan Fan. I worry for it," Greed added. He had ample time to slap and poke at Ling later.

"I.. think it is better now, but yes I agree." Her headache was easing down to a simmer. She felt a shuddering stream of energy from her passenger that had to be the cause of the new relief. _That is enough. I can also heal on my own, I am almost as good at that as I am with fighting._

The stream slowed and stopped,  Ling and me can get more later, I- 

_I said it is enough._

Ling was (would be) okay. Greed was… winded? She wasn't just resting for her own needs.

"I helped Fix that brain just 'cause I don't have one of my own right now doesn't mean I'm not interested in taking care of it." All the yelling he was doing made Lan Fan think on the contrary.

Ling mulled on that statement, "Oh huh, wouldn't think you knew how to fix one since you haven't had a working one to pattern after for some time."

Lan Fan paused in touching each fingertip to her thumb to test some finer motor control to realize her lord just gave himself a shot. Humility was a newer one. Greed meanwhile had not caught it but snerked an internal laugh when Lan Fan repeated it for him.

Ling joined his bodyguard against the tree, offering her the canteen. She took it and unscrewed the cap after a few seconds of fiddling with it, her metal arm coming in with a stronger grip as well as less tremors to try. "Try and be careful with those fear responses in the future, you don't seem to do well with them," Ling advised.

"WAS NOT SCARED."

Ling was not certain which one answered. It seemed like it could be either of them, but most likely was both.

He had said it before but after all of -that- it bore repetition, "Thanks for coming to get me."

"It is my duty." "I'm kinda obligated."

"So glad there was no emotion in it at all you're both just stone-hearted professionals!"

"If we admit anything else we'll combust so shut it." Greed rolled her head over to look at Ling directly, carefully. He wasn't sure why he bothered, Ling was just grinning at him like a loon. "I said shut up!"

"Didn't say anything!"

"I'm not even in there, but I can fucking feel it so dont even try."

Wiping that smile off of Ling's face was impossible! "When I'm back in your brain I won't feel bad about laying hands on you so count your blessings. As it is, if I hit you right now you'd just explode like a dandelion seedling." Why did Ling's grin get even bigger?

"Probably! Lan Fan can lay me out on my best days and right now all it'd probably take is a strong breeze. Wouldn't be such a cake walk mind to mind of course," he threatened idly.

"Young lord,-" (he wasn't so young and he wasn't simply a lord now but the title was almost a nickname) "-You can make him hurt in there? Is that a thing I can do?" Lan Fan asked, genuinely curious. She'd threatened him and he'd said 'ow' but-

"AHAHA NO! SHE CANNOT. LING TELL HER WE'RE ALL JOKING. IT'S FOR LAUGHS, I WAS JUST BEING DRAMATIC WITH THE 'OWS'!" His trepidation was worth the twinge.

"WE'VE BEEN GETTING ON SO WELL ANYWAYS YOU DON'T NEED TO START EXPERIMENTING WITH INTERNAL VIOLENCE NOW RIGHT. COME ON WE'VE HAD FUN!" Begging again? Quaint.

"It is nice to know, you know, for later, when you piss me off in five or so minutes," She pushed herself up off the trunk and sat on her own, "Second-hand panic feels weird my lord, I am not sure how you get used to it."

Greed coughed and rubbed the back of their head, "ANYWAYS we should also probably jump in a river at some point cause let me tell you when I first met Ling he'd been swimming in blood for a day in my brother's stomach and gotta say we are giving that look a run for the money right now!"

Ling and Lan Fan paid exactly zero attention to his distraction, "It feels like when you have a panic response and it's just like 'DANGER' but nothing is there and you're just trying to get a midnight snack from the pantry, right Lan Fan?" Ling asked enthusiastically.

"It reminds me of the feeling I get whenever I hear the words 'check this shit out' coming from your general direction," she replied.

"Him and me call you over because I want you to see! I would think it'd be much more scary to not know what me and Greed are doing at all!" Ling argued.

"Yes." The 'yes' was heavy, very pointed, and very very weary.

"Hahahaha two weeks is a long time, huh?" Ling smiled, the difference of this particular one from others of his was that it did not reach his eyes.

"A blink and also an eternity, my lord."

Ling fiddled with a bit of bandage. "Did anybody besides you guys miss me?"

“Edward wrote you a charming eulogy. In fact I had to stop Ed from going to go 'get bread' a few times. He is such a hypocrite. At least Alphonse wanted to rally after day three and had the mind to tell me so," Lan Fan sighed, taking a few more deep breaths in her explanation and using a spare cloth she had in a pocket that was relatively unbloodied in conjunction with the canteen water to dab at her face and hands. Ling pointed at a few areas on his own face to give her a clue where the worst of it was on hers. "I stopped Alphonse because he is the only one that has any idea what you two talk about ever concerning ruling the country and I stopped Ed because I did not need anyone knowing the throne was occupied by a foreign student with a penchant for legalese, and Xingese." A trickle of the anger that had slowly turned to fear she'd felt during that time hollowly echoed in her mind.

Greed surfaced from his own breather, "Ling, just so you know, she represses about eighty five percent of her untold rage. We've been really lucky, bud."

"Always assumed there was a little bit being held back but good to know the percentage! I'm terrified!"

"She'll never let us get killed by any sort of outside force- at this point our death will be from us pushing just far enough that the rage finally spills over," Greed 'joked'.

She let the 'joke' stand. "How long did it take Ling to get used to you just doing things?" Since this event took her by surprise it would be good to learn just how hard her majesty had it.

"Literally twenty minutes," Greed admitted reluctantly.

"Oh, like twenty minutes," Ling supplied brightly.

They both glanced at eachother and grinned. Greed went on, "And he was in sensory deprivation tank time. You, uh, know how that feels now! Didn't mean for you to get that experience in the 'homunculus joy run' package. Got all your senses, hell, even a bit improved if I'm to toot my own horn." Why did Greed phrase it like he was reluctantly giving himself accolades when that was not the case!?

Ling shrugged, "In fairness I had very little say in it since I didn't know if Greed coulda' killed me so really- if you can't change something why worry about it?" Greed was constantly impressed by this attitude but it had caught his eye in the beginning so he couldn't really view it negatively.

"Ling, you were asking me for my star sign the second I got out of that sewer." A positive attitude was one thing but even Greed wouldn't have taken 'poking the bear' that far. To start anyway.

Ling twiddled his thumbs teasingly, "Yes, and? Questions help me work out whether or not someone wants to kill me! I'd ask 'em regardless but reactions are key! I hadn't died in basically a half hour so-"

That particular sentence was horribly familiar. "Why are you two the most different people I have ever met but you are exactly the same?" Lan Fan asked.

"You know how if you own a dog a long time people say they start looking like you?" Ling asked. 

Greed readied a flicking hand. Ling did manage to dodge two attacks but the third one did graze his cheek. "AY. I will have you KNOW anything I picked up from Ling has been a total detraction!"

"Oh yeah, the martial arts training was all a total waste, you definitely wouldn't've tripped straight on your face running around Wrath that second time." Ling flicked his own hand in an 'oh please'. “Nevermind the point blank psychological evaluation! You're welcome, by the way. You never paid me back for those sessions!"

"How about I stop you from leaking everywhere and we'll call it even? Fixing this one here is a delight!" Greed rested a few fingertips at her neck, "Lan Fan is great, she isn't needy, does things on her own, doesn't bleed everywhere. I've barely had to fix a hangnail before this!" 

Ling looked down at his lap, "Don't normally bleed everywhere."

"You do too."

"Nuh uh! This and our first meeting were outliers! I am very full of blood for someone in my position!"

"You're full of shit is what you are," Greed laughed caustically.

Ling looked devious, "I wouldn't be laughing! This is /your/ problem!" He indicated his state. It was one thing to not rely on Greed as a cure-all but reciprocal mockery was free. 

Greed's expression curdled to extreme distaste. "Geh-" Getting reminded so handily of that wasn't enjoyable.

Lan Fan had cleaned her face and less complicated hand but if she let this much… mess- dry in her joint she was asking for trouble. She'd have to sharpen the blade later when she had the ability to surf a more even glide on the metal, if Greed hadn't knicked it with his rough treatment to the point of it needing to be fully replaced. 

"Lan Fan Asks for my help instead of expecting it and she doesn't pick at my judgement calls like someone named Ling that I can name. Truely she's so damn independant I had to basically force a shield on her to go get your dumb ass." Greed made to play with a piece of hair but made a face at the feeling of touching it and let it flop back down. "To even double down she didn't even want to tell you we teamed up," he picked what looked like a shard of bone out of the joining between her thumb and palm, "can't imagine why."

"She doesn't pick so much at your judgement calls because you probably don't suggest such stupid shit to her like you do with me! Lan Fan has Greed been suggesting stupid shit for you to do?" Ling asked, by how they had been working closer and closer even to Ling's eyes the answer had to be no.

"Yes, but I ignore it unlike someone named Ling that I can name."

Ling’s mouth turned down deeply.

“Nice one. Hey Lan Fan, wanna be emperor with me? I think we’d do good! We can let Ling play bodyguard and see how he likes that for a change?” Greed laughed. It wasn’t a very serious request but he’d be open to a day or two of it, for sure. He missed Ling’s stricken face while he instead shut his eyes a second to get a better look at Lan Fan. 

“As much as seeing that trainwreck would be good for a laugh, not on your life, I cannot /stand/ politics.” 

Greed took stock of the smirk rather than a scoff that she sported and plucked that away for later, “Aw, offers open-”

“NO IT IS /NOT/.” Ling looked upset! How awful!

“Think it is, Ling! I got co-emperorship, I get to be on the board of directors for selecting new CEOs,” Greed explained. Even Lan Fan knew that bit of terminology organically- why Greed insisted on thinking about the country like a business didn’t escape her (there were many similarities) but she didn’t have to like it.

Ling copped a pout, “I wouldn't have to play bodyguard because Lan Fan wouldn't get hurt- oh I played myself.” That self shot had /not/ been intentional. 

“Sure did, bucko!” 

A laugh that did not originate between the two shot through their conversation. Both men grinned widely, though she could only see Ling’s. A hand of hers came up for a high five that her emperor did reciprocate. A broken clock was right twice a day and when both of them were shooting their shots with hundreds of jokes that did not land, statistically a few had to. That’s what Lan Fan told herself. 

“Why you gotta laugh at my pain? I'm hurt!” Ling pressed, humor evident even in the admission that he was very much hurt. 

“Yes. You are. I like slapstick.”

“Oh you would've loved the camping trip with Ed, then! Comedy of errors, that one!” Greed loved his stories, even though many of those ended up with him on the losing end of the fight with Ling, or Ed, or one of the chimeras. Or worse, thinking he had won at the time but hindsight telling him later that no, he did very much lose that one as well; just not in the way he thought. 

She had heard many already, “Edward will not shut up about how dumb you two were, and also that you were playing friend ‘chicken’.” (She’d seen chicken enough times to get the rules of that horrid game.) “Oh? Did I touch a nerve? Greed- you are quiet.”

Now that her thick as hell, annoying, and stifling as hell barriers had been knocked down with the braining Ling watched his retainer openly tease both himself and Greed with a quiet awe. (And the biggest fucking grin. He didn’t need to be clinging so close but something in him wanted it at that moment. Lan Fan also in that moment probably wouldn’t mind, he thought.)

Lan Fan did notice that a lot of their surface area was in proximity, but her lord looked too wiped out for it to be intentional. 

It looks like it is annnd it's probably for me, yeah. Remember when we got him off the tree it was like pulling octopus suckers off. Be thankful you don’t share a mind with him. I call him Cling for a reason. Lan Fan didn’t have the strength to make a big deal about it.  Why did you think I stayed around post Father? He literally wouldn’t let me go. Greed had swatted at him and everything, no dice. You were right, he may do it nicer but he doesn’t let go of anything he likes. He really is a tick. Greed thought about it further, He really just traps people. Look at those Elric boys, they showed right up like bad cenz. Even his enemies. (Greed wasn’t really enemies but Ling also was nice to antagonistic forces that were not homunculi.)  He doesn’t want them to leave, he likes the game of it all. 

Greed did pry Ling off to an audible ‘aw’. (So it /was/ intentional.) He got waveringly to his feet and took a few steps. Lan Fan was fine with it, she didn’t think that she’d be able to walk a straight line on her own at the moment. He bent down to fix a boot strap and try to shake some of the dirt and Not Dirt off their knee pads before having to sit on a rock quickly to not fall back over. Ling looked like he wanted to lend them a hand but Greed shook his head with ‘don’t bother, fine’. Greed used the rock to actually fix their boots. Next to it their bag was laid open where Ling had thrown it to look for supplies and the canteen. The rock was flat and square, more like a slab than anything but it didn’t look hewn by human hands, more just a natural outcropping that served his needs nicely. He took the tools to clean their automail out and began to clean it like he’d watched her do. 

You’re lucky he's stupid like that because you’d have a world king without my help if not. Megalomaniac Jr. over there picking grass and throwing it. Ling had started to rip grass out of the ground to throw it, knowing that Lan Fan’s automail took a little time to do a full cleaning and filling his own time with productive pursuits. Boy did the automail need it. She usually cleaned it fully once every few days, not every few hours. 

The trick is to keep him busy with dumb shit before he starts getting too ambitious for his own good. Lan Fan was floored with that ‘advice’; where did Greed get off even designing to say something like that? Greed took her incredulousness in stride but pressed on, getting things one wanted meant that sometimes, /sometimes/, one had to be ‘realistic’. 

Swear to whatever the fuck, if he had eyes on Amestris you wouldnt be able to stop him. These accords we worked out treat it almost like a principality as it is. 

_Hardly-_

Nah, gonna argue with that one. Yes absolutely. Once again, lures you in with milk, honey, and trade deals at percentages that are almost criminal and before you know it there you are. You're lucky he's already seen everything that country has to offer and wasn't impressed enough to actually pursue it. 

Check this out, no don't jump! I’m not- "Ling."

Ling left off his very important grass pulling, "Yeah?"

"What do you think about Amestris?" Greed asked.

"Ed and Al live there?"

See, look, zero interest. Note the non comment. 

"It's pretty far, we're lucky we're making it easier to travel from there," he clarified, smiling.

Consider his phrasing. 

“Did you both design a revolutionary never attempted trade route so your frat house literary elites could come visit more?” Lan Fan asked. She’d thought that it was just so Greed could get his ‘imports’. It was more petty than that? There’d been the buried train tracks but redoing the whole thing with ‘improvements’ and having it be step one to many countries was the part that had been unattempted. 

Greed reacted to her dubious question first. “And anybody they wanted to bring, yeah? They got the best pickings! You think Ling's a magnet for weird shit just wait ‘till you see what Ed brings along next time? Coin to bills it’ll be a scientific mistake, a war criminal, or both. I’m half expecting Truth to walk through a door half the time and Ed just being like, ‘I punched it.’

Ling nodded, “He’s just waiting to find some new gods to fight and bring along with him. Alphonse however, he has great taste. Anyone he brings gets star treatment.” 

Ling didn’t verbally bring up that Alphonse had initially picked him up, but his tone sure did.

“Alphonse has great taste, unless he does not,” Greed added. There’d been keeping Ling around in his own case but he wasn’t gonna shoot a hole into his review of Alphonse. Actually, /there/ was something he didn’t know and wanted to- speaking of where Ling got picked up! “What the fuck were y'all doing in Rush Valley, anyway?”

Lan Fan explained that Ling reasoned maybe someone wanted to go back on a deal or they got a taste of a body that didn't respond to time like humans usually do in an arm or a leg and wanted more. There’d been a few promising leads- 

“Lan Fan. You're fibbing.”

Greed felt their mouth pull to the side with getting caught at it. “He said; ‘This way.’” She explained that Ling said he smelled sausages and then ran off into a side street immediately when they hit the city limits. 

Then you lost him....How many times had you lost him up 'till then? 

_Thirty Seven._ She wasn’t going to directly lie but she flinched at the number. 

You'd been from Xing a month? 

An affirmative mumble echoed quietly. 

So he doubled up some days? 

The mumbling got more garbled but strayed to ‘yes?’

We only skid a few times a week. On a good week. 

Ling, though not being front row to this part of the conversation could get some obvious clues how it was going for Lan Fan.

_I thought being emperor would put the escapades behind him but it seems like the only thing capable of keeping him from slipping off is crippling depression so I suppose twice a week is marginally better._

Greed shrugged in ‘not really my fault’. 

_It was also much easier to find him at first since he would just end up by the only restaurant nearby. Which was fine until we got to larger towns._ "We had a whole… system going?" She borrowed more nomenclature. 

Like, I don't know what you expected with more current events?- He's the emperor now but- He's still, like, Ling though.  Greed clapped their hands to not only mark his excitement at /a system/ but also to check he’d not jangled any of the joints in her metal hand too loose. It didn’t look like he had. Ohhhh /a system/, then! Aren't you organized? Didn't know you were just food critic-ing star places to eat round your day trips! he teased.

“It was as organized as a drumstick on a pole but it worked most of the time,” she admitted out loud. Ling took in how the conversation had obviously changed in the seconds he couldn’t hear it.

"Drumstick on a pole is basically how you do it, yeah. What'd you do for money cause I can't imagine any amount you brought lasting long enough for a month."

 _In Rush Valley we ended up sitting by that restaurant for forty minutes before he turned up but up to that point it was a good system._ She visited his question. _Ling told you we did not resolve to attack them until Ed had paid for the food, did he not?_

Well Yeah, but you couldn't have suckerd in a rich kid every time? 

_Sometimes Ling would go and come back with more money than he left with..._

Doing? 

_Gambling racket I suppose, he had cups?-_

THE OLD BALL AND CUP! It was old as dirt, but it worked. Good on Ling!

_Didn’t he pickpocket your goons? You know of many ways he could get more money. Not digging just “browsing” as you are so keen on saying._

And I’ve been open to you the entire time seeing when you’d dip your beak, Greed replied gently but not without a gigantic load of smug scrabbling at the door of the light admission. He let the ‘gotcha’ settle,  Also he gave those back. Ling reasons if you're gambling you didn't want your money anyway, cause when we’re playing we aint sharing if you aint fun for rematches! Boring means we take you for everything and the clothes off your back! 

_Are... rules to you just restrictions that make things more interesting…?_

He didn’t answer her verbally but he did let exactly how he thought about the question hang between them for a moment. 

Winning a rigged game can be fun. Why do you think I enjoy all the politicking? Following broken rules and still managing a win is the Best, people hate you for it! It's even better when you stack all the odds! 

_You are both junkies._

Quit smoking so I needed something else! Can’t even do the head smashing any more Lan Fan- anything less than that’s already admirable restraint. Ling let me have a pack on our birthday and then I threw up so the government is way more fun. It only makes me want to throw up sometimes. 

“I thought I had smelled cheap smoke...” she whispered audibly again. Ling was actually lost but didn’t want to interrupt. He’d joined them on the flat rock and had been handing Greed tools when he distractedly asked for them. Ed’s hadn’t looked so complicated! But then again Winry had made it for a boy who she knew was going to treat it like shit so maybe with Lan Fan’s and the fact she knew it’d be in good hands meant she’d gotten fancier. Greed pressed a few catches to disengage the blade from the mooring and Ling passed him an honest to god bottle brush that quickly turned brownish red as Greed scrubbed it in the hole near his elbow. 

Wasn’t that cheap! Though probably would have saved us some hassle if it was. They were Very nice cigarellos thank you, and I'm still pissed about it. His nose is too strong- it was basically the worst. He held their elbow in a funny position to wash it out with a half a cup more canteen water (that they would have to refill sooner rather than later).  I’m just waiting on Ed to make something where I can spit smoke and fire and Not lose my lunch. I feel like he’d jump on it. Now that I got reference for human noses Ling's and his sense of taste are about a ten to your eight? I don’t know why but mine was originally like /maybe/ a five. So not to offend but you're probably not uh... baseline either. 

He affected teasing again,  Kick the smoking habit and it’ll probably sharpen up again! 

_I HAD ONLY HAD ONE OR TWO BECAUSE IT WAS SUPPOSED TO CALM ME DOWN. EVER. YOU BROUGHT IT OUT AGAIN._ She knew he was trying to get her but she was mad at admitting doing something so… so /teenage/. 

Didn’t work did it? The calming? 

She rounded on him to argue a few more points and correct a small section of the blade he was trying to sharpen. When it had so many pits you had to be careful! Greed was aware she was taking a tone that it was his fault but it was so he only acted like it wasn’t a little. 

-

They were staring at nothing and occasionally asking for a tool while saying increasingly out of context responses minutes apart. Those two were just talking, something him and Greed did a million times. Ling wouldn’t feel left out! But once, maybe twice, Greed shot Ling a look. It was the face of a creature that knew it was no longer at risk of death and was instead free to carry on as they see fit. Ling couldn’t shake the overwhelming feeling that he’d known flashes of during their picnic before this new mess. When Lan Fan had just been explaining to him what really had happened on the way up to get him. It was a knowing feeling, and if Ling separated it out just a bit more- If he opened just one of those little Matryoshka dolls and not the whole set, the second one would say “mine”.

Lan Fan could infer the same feeling even as her and Greed argued. It wasn't a hard doll to open and the contents were a surprise to no one but it still was quite annoying. She had no desire to dig further even though it was obvious there was more there. She would stick with the annoying insights she had already gotten Thanks. It was like pointing at a cloud and saying it was yours. You could not just do that!

Little did she know you absolutely could! Ling used to play that very game with Greed in the early days until Greed started getting peeved about 'his' clouds disappearing. Ling had explained that it was all water vapor and that he already claimed the ocean, source of all clouds, so Greed could ‘suck it’. That got a screaming row but entertainment was rather limited back then. They had made do. 

Nobody but Ling could stoke Greed up from almost restful to bellowing in a fractional amount of time. But the reverse proved true as well, Ling absorbed Greed’s look on Lan Fan’s face and came to the conclusion that he’d finally staked his amount of claim. Ling thought she had been recovering from her injury but she still must be beat up if she was even letting that slide. The mere presence of Greed so plainly attesting that she was letting it slide even though Ling thought her morals would never allow it.

She had told him when Greed had revealed himself that she had given up. She’d finally finished her full set of stages of grief and had lain down on deeply unhappy acceptance. Ling had taught her that a powerful move was not to play!

Even later when Greed was back with him- (still the goal. He had not forgotten!). Greed wouldn’t give up this progress he’d made with her. She had herself a very powerful tool, if she cared to use it. Ling didn’t often worry about her safety but he wouldn’t now. When he was able to see it for himself in Greed’s mind he was sure that there were many definitions and associations that centered around her that would be very much changed. A box of ‘Mine possibly?’ would at least be filled in. 

He’d already given her a shield! Ling had to work so hard for it! Begged on death’s door when they’d fought Bradley and it had only been granted at the last fucking second. Then Greed goes and offers her accoutrement, oh so damn eager! Fucking brat. It was really no fair that she got to work with him at his best right from the get go. Ling took forever getting those settings and she was just trotting him around like it was a pony show. But WHO put the time getting bit in?

With the blood cleaned off her face Ling was able to see that she was almost sulking. ‘She shouldn't get to be all mopey about it, this is better than anything I ever got!’ he thought.

It may have been trite but they were having a whole plethora of conversations without him and he was feeling really excluded, actually. It had been a while since they had even acknowledged him! It was petty but he could do petty. Months of slaving away over piping hot manipulation only for Greed to be fucking mugging at him like that? Was there even respect in this kitchen? Unbelievable! 

The homunculus and the emperor both held innocent unadorned smiles as they regarded each other. It being them, they were reading whole passages into what was only a slight quirk of the lips. Ling was able to glean ‘got your bodyguard’ in the ridge of Greed’s brow. Greed meanwhile, he thought it kind of nice to see Ling flick through about four kinds of face when he hit him with only a simple expression. Maybe being separated had a few perks? It wasn’t often he looked like a total open book on the outside.

Lan Fan wore a mask for a reason, she had never been great at hiding expressions and Greed usually was the worst offender of the bunch. Even after all of Ling's nudging and teaching on how to not give all your cards away in court Greed still slacked off the moment he felt like he was not being actively watched. Court had been going faster and slower due to the… presence of undiluted disgust and other such emotions. It was difficult to play off but Greed thought it a very nice card. 

Ling’s face arranged itself into a slightly bitter countenance of ‘ha, I wanted this, right?’

Greed was ecstatic.  Lan Fan, don't look at him. DON’T look!! Unlike before she was unwilling to get not at all figuratively jerked around and stayed where she was.  I wanna see how long it takes for him to open his mouth, he looks conflicted. She already wanted to break her seconds earlier decision to do nothing but stopped, seeing an odd set to her lord’s mouth. It reminded her of the rare times she watched him have an actual fit of spoiled temper when they were much younger. She also recalled how Fu would handle those times, by not feeding into them at all.  THANK YOU. 

For trying to assure the other two that he wasn’t bitter with a restful smile it was evident with every moment that Ling was close to what Greed was excitedly calling a ‘hissy fit’. 

If you really wanna see him squirm try mildly changing your expression, like a slight frown or narrowed brows. Really anything, he'll lose his mind. Her majesty would not act like that. Ling tapped his foot and played with his ponytail, turning to mess with a stick he picked up and start snapping it into little pieces. Lan Fan was less confident as the seconds ticked by. 

I bet you any crystal animal of your choice that if you make even the smallest hint of a grin he'll interrupt to say something within three minutes. 

Her hands made fists of anticipation, her automail creaking,  No, no wait, no, mime something he would do and then laugh like we're talking shit, he'll Ex-Plode. 

Or,  Greed realized,  we could just actually talk shit. Ling couldn’t hear him!  Not that we haven't been for a couple days but it's more fun talking shit when we know for sure he's not dead. Greed also enjoyed being able to watch the object of his ridicule and his inability to do shit about anything he was saying.  I’ve daydreamed about this opportunity, he told her, amused.

You sometimes let the guards run their mouths about him and act like you don't hear just to get a contact high, let me show you the real thing. You let ED talk smack lately. It’s okay, he can take it, believe me. Greed would stop before Ling got too upset, probably. If he didn’t get too carried away. 

We’ll stop before he cries, or maybe I'll get him to cry and then we stop? Greed offered, he’d be shifting her from foot to foot if he still didn’t have her set down and resting. 

_I guess we will see who takes longer to start crying then, for you it was about two minutes of us insinuating that we would put you in a jam jar._ Lan Fan didn’t want Greed to be having a fun time at her lord’s expense but something about how he was choosing to act after she had done all that she had to come get him got under her skin. If she was paying attention to it she might have realized the ire was possibly originating from something else under her skin rather than her own feelings. 

YOU! SHOWED ME HOW WILLING YOU WERE TO DO THAT, ALREADY HAVING DONE THAT!!! Greed still seemed upset over their mockery. Lan Fan did not like people who could ‘dish it out but not take it’ if the phrase she got from Ling was correct. 

_Of course I would, but you believed /Ling/ would. You two practically share a brain even when you are not attached. Just admit you wish him to recover and be done._

I cannot be seen giving a shit! He isn’t that hurt! Greed rescinded his last thought, He’s well enough to have a snit. I already caught him playing it up before so if we go over there and give him attention, I am involved and he’ll think /I/ wanted to do it. I’d rather immolate. The guttersnipe! Greed directed that last insult to Ling even though Ling didn’t have a conduit to Lan Fan’s mind. 

_Do not call him that._

Would you rather brat? Child? Royal pain in our ass? You don’t like this shit either!

_I care if he is injured._

Yes Greed cared if Ling was okay but if he actually admitted that to his face at this juncture he’d lose.

_Lose what?_

He’d lose! And he hated to lose anything! 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With this chapter we're officially longer than both other fics I've written combined. Awesome! (I'm trying to convey a shakey fragility at how I cannot beleive how much this has gotten away from me.)  
> I'm also working with nanowrimo this month and it's chugging along pretty good! I have a few chapters already drafted so I can be a good little author and stick to a relatively weekly update mark but nano is forcing me even beyond that! Rest assured....? That we're not done yet with these three!


	21. Losing it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well, well, well, an indisposed king at the mercy of a monster. How appropriate, how droll, how-- entirely fucking grade school.

Speaking of loss- How would he mess with Ling? He was set on it. Now that Lan Fan was up they had begun walking slowly just to get resituated. He toyed with the idea of telling Ling he ate her soul but that was a direct lie; albeit a favorite party trick. If Ling believed him (possibly even if not) he would just wrap his hands around his not very scrawny neck and squeeze rather than passively just get messed with. Greed had the hitting he’d already been subjected to back up his estimate. He could have pulled it off, maybe, before Lan Fan assured her ‘lord’ that she was fine. He had a distinct feeling she wouldn’t humor him for a ploy like that.

The joke stopped hitting if he used it all the time. These assholes always insisted he did it on his own with no provocation or proof he did anyway so he just fed into the speciesist stereotype. Ling was the one putting shit in his mouth when he didn’t know where it had been. 

Greed went verbal, wanting the eventual ridicule object’s opinion on that particular behavior: ”No Lan Fan I'm Not Gonna, (eat anyone’s fucking soul. Gross.) And It Would Probably Kill Us BOTH If I Tried. Safe as houses,” he enunciated like he was talking to someone who had a hard time with anything above simple concepts. “Doesn't even work like that. Souls taste gross. Ling knows. /DON'T YOU, LING/?” 

Ling wasn’t sure how’d they had gotten there without him but at least the stand off had been broken. He remembered that he’d bitten a soul to tell it to fuck off when they had been bashing at him when he’d first gotten assimilated. “They taste like dirt," he said sweetly.

“Ling's eaten more souls than I have and that's an honest fact!” Greed explained for Lan Fan. “Then /doooon’t/ put shit in your fucking mouth!” he snarled at Ling thereafter. 

_Why did you let him do that, then?_

I DON'T CONTROL HIM!

"Ha Ha powerplay!" Ling hissed delightedly. It had kind of worked! Greed had paused at the move, Ling saw! 

At the time Greed himself had only thought ‘sheesh, in half? Wow,’ and thought the little bastard was nuts. He should have fucking stayed with his initial hunch. Just because he was a hell demon sin against god who did use souls as a power source didn’t mean he ate them. Food was perfectly acceptable. Ling did have the right of it in that food was very good. It was also a plus that he had to eat it to stay alive, very good for him. Breathing he was still split on, didn’t really care for it. 

Lan Fan had been going again for a bit, to like actually try and make some headway at getting home? Their original and most important goal? Ling trailed behind her like a lost duckling. Greed’s idle thoughts about what he did and didn’t like were mildly distracting but she was more focused on putting one foot in front of the other. She had told him to stop with feeding her a boost but was -almost- willing to go back on the request. She had made it so she would stick to it. She was not weak and she'd had a lot worse! Just...possibly not so much in such a short time! Ling kept looking at her funny and without a doubt it was for her, not Greed. If she did not know better… no, she did know better. He was jealous.

She had incorrectly assumed cohabiting a body and basically dying for one another on a regular basis was enough to solidify an actual understanding between the two but it did not seem so.

\---

Greed had been thinking for a while about what had been bothering him while Lan Fan navigated the forest. He’d finally got it! It had taken some time because a lot of shit had happened and of course Lan Fan was the key player but- Greed felt!- That it was possibly very very rude of Ling to not even ask how he was! Like specifically.

He’d been spending his time going over if he missed it, but he didn’t think he had. Ling Yao had not asked outright if he, Greed only, singular, not plural (though he didn’t mind that there was a plural most times, time saver mostly) if he was okay! Greed hadn’t blamed him for the oversight on the first night, when he came and got him. Him and Lan Fan were at peak strength and he’d done it like a total badass so of course Ling wouldn’t have thought to ask after a show like that. Then sleeping off the rescue he was coo coo on sleep aids. But after? When Lan Fan let them finally re-meet, that was where the rudeness came in and turned inexcusable. 

Ling had been just yelling to see how Lan Fan was all the time, no consideration for the homunculus. Truly Greed was /hurt/. Truly! Ling had thought he was gone, he thought he might be dead, would it have hurt especially to pay Greed some mind?! 

Lan Fan needed a break, Greed took up walking without breaking their stride. “Hey Ling? Question,” he said after a few minutes of making a go of it in rare silence. 

He looked back at Ling who had his head tilted in a quizzical ‘yeah?’ “Had you wondered at all how /I/ was faring through all of this?” 

“Why?” Ling asked, his face carrying a troubled expression. Greed was too hung up on the ‘why’ to notice it. Why? Why he asked!? Why! Wow! “Cause after fixing your /precious/- ( _Uncalled for_.) - bodyguard from a debilitating brain injury I’m not doing so hot! You prick! In fact, it’s been not very good this entire time!” Lan Fan had evened out and they absolutely had their fun eventually but those initial hours had been a horror show.

Ling palmed his chin with thought about that. “Isn’t it kinda your thing to like- do that? Mei said Envy could take a body, no souls, no consuming personality, no problem, so I thought you'd be good?” The way Ling said it was the most infuriating part to Greed. It was said in the way Lan Fan had said ‘Greed fix?’ but rather than the innocence of being hurt Ling knew exactly what the hell he was doing. 

“What, is Lan Fan not treating you justly? Not having fun in there?” Ling winked. 

Greed was going to fucking tackle him but stopped at re-noticing the bandages peeking out of his clothes. Instead, he opened his mouth to drip, “Certainly having more fun than YOU and that just /eats you up/ doesn't it?”

Ling’s expression went from shocked to something passing for distressed but it settled firmly into contempt.

“Fine! Stay forever! See if I care!” he shrugged in supposedly being uncaring but Lan Fan determined that he was very upset. It was why she wasn’t very agitated herself at a statement like that of her lord’s. He didn't actually mean it.

“Still ain’t even gonna ask after me? Huh Ling?! Gonna just be that asshole?! I didn’t know the bomb blew out your common courtesy too!”

“I could say the same for you! Stupid fucking rock!” Ling spat. 

“Usually if you lose something so ‘near and dear’ you ADMITTED THAT! You, I dunno, care where it ends up- and not just go ‘huh, guess he’s okay!’ when I’m /obviously/ in peril! And not good!”   
Lan Fan was exasperated, she had not been that bad. 

“Lan Fan gets a nice check in! Many times! So you can’t even pretend you just forgot to check in at all! No, you’re committing blatant exclusion now!” Greed took another deep breath to go on. They had stopped making any progress. “I made sure you were good! Lan Fan, undoubtedly good, all to the best and most extreme extent of my abilities! Taking care of a twit like you gave me a TON of practice! And I am /still/ waiting for an inquiry.” He was tired of faffing around. He’d just demand what he was owed if Ling wasn’t gonna give up the goods. 

Ling stood there, half on a bundle of tree roots and half not, caught in the act of climbing them to argue. “I just assumed if you could yell this much you were in a pretty good state, you're much more worrying when you're Quiet?” (It was why he’d been so worried when he was fixing Lan Fan, but that had been /easy/ for Greed!) “But if it will make you feel better, with all your working organs and uneviscerated side, how ARE /you/.”

Greed twirled a bang, “Oh you know- SUPER GOOD,” he said through tightly closed teeth. “Wait hold on- okay,” stopping to focus on something Ling could see was internal he distractedly left off before continuing “Had to nix an eavesdropper.” Ling showed plain that he was extremely disapproving. Greed sneered at Ling signaling that he was upset at his treatment of Lan Fan. “For a SECOND, don’t give me that! Anyway!-” Closing his eyes he pressed his palms together almost in prayer while sucking in air slowly. Letting it out in a whispering sigh he stood open and quiet regarding one half of the emperor of Xing. “Very very bad. Thanks for your continued support!" Greed chirped. Ling didn’t do anything in regards to Greed’s declaration besides look vaguely taken aback. Greed pressed forward, Ling’s silence encouraging him to escalate. (Not like much wouldn’t encourage that.) 

"VERY BAD LING! IT’S NOT GOOD FOR ME HERE! ALL THE TIME! HA!”

Greed dropped all his pretenses, this was about as honest as he got.

“Hate to fucking admit anything too personal but I sure would not like to be here anymore! This has been so many shades and kinds of hell for me! Thanks! Then I look at you and see all this /work/ I’m gonna have to do and even with that we still need to get back to a place we can even do it!” He’d crept closer to Ling while he had spoken. Greed clutched Ling’s arms with enough desperation in his shaking hands that even Ling couldn’t take this as some kind of joke. “Get me the /fuck/ out of here!” 

Greed shook his head like a mosquito was bothering him, “Ling! Who doesn’t go back on- wait one second, hold on-” He closed his eyes and concentrated, “okay! -who doesn’t go back on promises! Gonna need one. Right now! Just so I know-” 

His limbs shook, but not from desperation. He held up a finger. “Wait again, she’s stubborn,   
Get-   
Fucking sta-  
Stay- 

Alright!" It seemed he'd repressed Lan Fan again. "And your answer? Ling?” Greed pleaded. He’d plea. He couldn’t take much more of this with no end in sight so a promise would really be just the thing! 

Ling held Greed with his full gaze, finally deliberating seriously. He looked down his nose at Greed as only someone of his station could.

“I’ll think about it.” 

“FUCK YOU!” That little! UGH- he was /so/! He couldn’t even-! That was it, that was really it! That was the straw that broke the goddamn camel’s back! Ling wanted to act like that when all Greed wanted was a simple promise? Ling was gonna GET IT!

“You know what? Fine! /Fine!/ Cool! Heal that on your own!” Greed pointed not only to Ling’s bandages but to a few other areas as well. “It’ll take you months and not even be all the way good and me and Lan Fan will leave you here, alone, and go - I don't fucking know- hunt pedophiles or get rid of my enemies. Something productive!” By how Greed was sweating he was holding her back still, though it was looking like it took considerable effort.   
“And NO I’m not helping you with that treatise you keep waffling on. And No I’m not doing the books ever again see if I care, get embezzled. And NO no more cool stories about pre-you me when you can't sleep like you're five. And NO I’m not making dinner for anyone ‘cept me and Lan Fan- if she wants some she can have some, and ALSO-- I WANT ALL MY CLOTHES!” Ling flinched at each listed item a step more than the last one but Greed was too up on his own raving speech to notice. 

  
“Not like I’m QUANTIFYING MY WORTH CAUSE /THAT'S UNHEALTHY/ BUT THERE YA GO. Lan Fan, have at it. I’m done. Wants me dead, what else is new.” Greed closed their eyes to let her back out as only Ling could be aware of how that worked but he opened one. “One more thing. Get well soon. Ass.”

“Uhhh... where did I go?”

Thanks for the patience. 

Where exactly had she?- Ah, Greed filled her in. Loudly. “My lord do you Not want Greed back like he is complaining because that is a /real problem/ for me if so. Normally I am happy to let you two conduct your childish schoolyard fights but I just got over a bad concussion and would like a ‘no bullshit’ reality check, please?”

Ling glowered at her, reluctant to cooperate, but it was Lan Fan who asked. “He's just all bent out of shape because I didn't take a Special Second to check on him,” he mocked.

“... Well...it is not my place to make assumptions but you could have done that I think? I am not sure where my last five minutes went.” It hadn’t been a blur, just blank. There was an apology licking the corners of her mind about that but before she’d gone Greed had bid for a private moment and he’d honored the few she’d asked for on the trip so- She wasn’t sure what was so important but he’d asked seriously. 

"Lan fan.... are you... taking his side?”

It wasn’t that cut and dry, it just didn’t seem problematic to her for her lord to just ask how the homunculus was holding up. He hadn’t taken a second to do it and Ling made a point to stipulate that Greed got separate things even when they were sharing a body, (cups, tools, even something like a good morning). So what was she supposed to do? “He was worrying about you a lot, my lord. Constantly...Nonstop.” Ling scrutinized her with building agitation. “He fixed my head and I think I’m only able to not be prevented from saying any of this because he... I do not know where I was but he came and got me and said ‘I don't wanna talk to him’ and then apologized for ‘monopolizing my senses.’” She trailed off, “And now he is small so I am not sure I know how to, um- get him out here?”

Ling sullenly refused to speak or even make a move to do so. 

“I assume you knew you were really messing with him? I do not mean to make you feel like you are being inconsiderate, my lord, but he does seem...pitiable like this.”

Her lord, the emperor of the country they were currently standing on, sniffed with disdain over his current tiff and stamped his foot. He screwed his face up in pain but avoided his wound with his hands, balling them to fists instead. “I ALREADY SAID WE'RE NOT PUTTING HIM IN A JAR OR A RAT.” 

“I...” Greed wished to speak with her, she felt what was basically a tap on her shoulder. “Um, wait a moment.” Lan Fan turned away from Ling for a second like she was on the phone.

Greed was somehow far away, it was almost hard to hear. It came to her more in concepts. He wanted Ling to hurt, yes, but also admit he was hurting? He wasn’t upset and he should be! For a lot of things! He was- Ling had come close to dying, he pushed. Lan Fan pursed her mouth in a hard line. 

_Do not tell me it is only for him. I smell that it is for your own needs too. Addiction is not healthy._

She got something like ‘bullshit, if you don’t chase the adrenaline dragon every day you basically wanna die. You’re codependent in a different way than us. You like when Ling goes off and gets into a situation because you get to do wild shit in his name but you know that he’ll mostly be fine.’ A more direct whisper followed it, now. help me make ling upset. he deserves it. i think he would be most upset if i went away for a bit. A smile that went on and on, much longer than a standard mouth could pull off bloomed in her mind’s eye. i think...you're gonna /help/ me go away. 

  
Greed laid it out that it was high time they took away that haughty bastard’s safety net. He pointed out that she was all for Ling learning a lesson back before, when they were on the train. She had said it. She did. No take backs! He drew her eye to where Ling was smiling, calm. He invited her to fucking /look/ at him. he thinks everything is okay! he said he didn't wanna rely on us but /i/ think he’s just doing it wrong, of course he is. he told me to burn up all my stores to help you without thinking what would be advantageous to all parties. i mean, i woulda done it anyway. I said I would help. but we could have spoken about this more. His reasonings aren’t sound. I had this handled but something’s been up with him. I wanna know exactly what the fuck it is. It’s botherin’ me. Greed’s voice got stronger as he explained things. Something may be up with Greed too, Lan Fan thought. 

Lan Fan would help him, Greed was banking on it. He really didn't wanna bring out how she’d acted during peak concussion as leverage but if the ends justified it he would. He felt if he ever went into specifics about that again she would find a way to spit acid at him. But, she had humored him in a lot of respects today. She could try getting Ling for real and seeing how that felt, he thought. Might be fun. 

She’d been trying for even dibs rather than letting him just steamroll her and pick her back up. Lan Fan was just about as cleaved close as she could be. Before she hadn’t been doing much to hinder him after an early point but that’s not what he’d wanted. Rather it’s what she thought he did. If there’d been stuff she was bad at it was figuring out what he was actually like and admitting it to herself. Why would he just want someone who let him do whatever? If he wanted that why would he want to stay with Ling? Just go stick him in a convict and be done!

It didn’t matter. He knew he had her when she said, “I am not saying that, Greed. ...My lord, he says, ‘fuck you.’”

Greed had told her to tell Ling he could go fuck himself but relaying that message wasn’t something he’d banked on her reciprocating! 

“I get the impression he’s already said this to you physically but he seems to feel a desire to do so again. I do not like being a go between.” She gestured rudely, “My arm isn't doing that with my will, it is stuck.”

Ling stood there. He raised a finger to say something but shut his mouth. 

“I would ask you two to either make up or just burn the bridges completely so I am not awkwardly straddling the middle ground. It is Petty.” 

That got Ling to emote, “Why should I-?”

Lan Fan held up both hands, “He says …’I can't hear you go away’ and is making loud noises. He doesn’t have ears or limbs to cover them but is giving off that impression regardless?... She looked uncomfortable. “I do not know how he is making doors slam. I have a horrible feeling he learned how to do that from you.”

“Did,” Ling said with zero feeling one way or the other. He was overloaded. He’d just meant to… well he wasn’t sure what his aim had been when he kind of sort of turned Greed down. It was the begging maybe? He just reacted instinctively! Lan Fan kept not clueing him in to what they were talking about. He’d been salty! They were even doing it now!

“I suppose so, Greed. What? Oh. That is inconsiderate, yes. I do not-, well yes it is common courtesy. I- yes- I do- I /know/. I do not forget an altruistic deed, do not imply I do not know when it is done.” Pinching her brow with a finger and thumb Lan Fan looked at her lord she was sworn to protect. “I ‘owe him a solid’."

_We will call it thanks for fixing me._

Yeah yeah, For being so incensed over proving his worth to her it seemed like her directly saying he’d saved her didn’t matter when something else he wanted was on the table. She was reminded of a cat watching a bird again. Brain, fixed it, ‘kay.

“AND WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?” her majesty growled. If it was one thing Greed could do is get very different emotions to play across Ling’s features. 

“I think it means I take his side on this argument, assuming he wants to 'cash in' now. To an earlier point my lord, I do not think simply saying you will not put him in a jar or a rat qualifies as a "check in”. Also it is not hard to take this side in the sense that you often are caught up in your own needs."

Lan Fan tilted her head to the side, "You do not need to sweeten anything with the call to hunt a pedophile for sport Greed, I am aware how ‘judge, jury, and executioner’ works. I am sorry he is talking-”

“Well why can’t he just tell me himself?” 

“He seems to not want to talk out loud himself under the impression it will 'annoy you'. He says 'you don't care what he has to say anyway'.” She sighed. This was still a little much. “Oh quit being a twelve year old girl, Greed. I am allowed to say that because I was once twelve and also consistently a girl.” She paused to listen to what he had to say. “Yes I Know you fixed my arm and head! It does not mean I don’t get to call you out!” 

She stopped for another response. “He says he ‘would rather burn himself out fixing someone who gives 'a damn'- one moment-”

 _Are.. you alright? Did you... burn yourself out?_ She was genuinely concerned. 

SEE, YOU /GIVE A FUCKING DAMN!/ 

_I mean I am also concerned that if you ‘burn yourself out’ too much the man I am obligated to make sure gets the best treatment might not get fixed, something I know we are both concerned for, despite childish posturing._

To counterbalance her curt address Greed caught a whiff of actual worry for /only/ his sake. _Are you even able to...recover? From being spent? What does that imply?_

It's fine, THANKS FOR ASKING. I just need to recover like normal people do when they do heavy lifting. It'll take time and Ling will have to suck it up till I assess the damages. I’ll do the worst of it the second I'm back and can rest up for real. I'm on about six hours sleep and all the shit we went through too, remember? Ling’s gonna get fixed, I clean up my messes. Thanks for the check in. He was sincere. Manners were important. 

She wasn’t convinced. They were both guilty of hiding how bad their condition was. Don't get another concussion and we’ll be right as rain. Ling and me— when he fucking /cooperates/ and isn’t a colossal ASS - got systems.

She hadn’t wanted to use up whatever healing capabilities Greed had in him just fixing herself. Lan Fan expressed that to Greed but stressed the ‘just’ in that she wasn’t sacrificing her own health for Ling again. She was able to admit that her lord would probably act just as he had without Greed if she had hurt herself beyond a fix; something she did not want to do to him. Greed was impressed, that was slightly better of her than her old motto of ‘sacrifice self at all costs’. Lan Fan was more or less relieved that it seemed to be a renewable thing. 

I like you a whole lot but not enough to short myself or my main ride. Don't Even /Look/ at that first statement. Lan Fan didn’t know why she wanted to knock him down a few pegs when he was more than capable of ruining his ‘reputation’ on his own. 

He ignored her.  Said I’d get him back to fucking around and being able to run from you so I’m gonna do that. 

_Normally I would protest the reasoning but for now I am genuinely glad to hear it. Did you two have fights like this-_

Worst case scenario you'd be okay with me bunking for like a week if need be, right? 

_\- H a -_

Not even dignifying it with a real response? Greed was hurt. (Though- ...though, she did not say no, now did she?)

_Did you two have fights like this when you were in the same head?_

This is a pretty good one but oh yes! And I was much more willing to try and kill him for realsies! he told her, all enthusiasm. This was really a return to old tacks for him more than anything! 

_So is this just you both catching up on the two week sabbatical, then?_

Got it in one! Your brain is very good, glad I managed to preserve that! Look, I just want him to admit some shit because he gets a fat head and also because he says all the good shit when he thinks I'm not here, if you remember when you were bowing all deferring like. 

It was the tiniest whisper but she thought she might have heard,  least I wasn’t alone for all this.

_I think I might have heard another thought?_ Greed recoiled but she didn’t elaborate. _It seems likely both you and Ling have trouble being upfront to each other’s faces, which given you usually share the same face is Astounding to me, truly baffling._

Keep in heh, mind, that you knew this about the ‘young lord’ from the jump! He's the type to bottle shit up. Gotta let him breathe it out or you get denial, denial, drinking problem! 

“Lan Fan I- are you done?” Ling had a hand raised like he wanted to get her attention but had snatched it away when she turned around. She, despite knowing his expressions better than some of her own, couldn’t decipher his face. 

  
“No.” 

Ling sneered! He sneered at her! Lan Fan was surprised enough that she almost missed it!. Greed wasn’t sure if it was a sneer, looked kind of like a grimace to him, but her ire was coming to a simmer and he wasn’t gonna miss this chance. 

See, make him fucking dance for once! 

_You want something. Terms, homunculus._

You learn QUICK! YOU /ARE/ A ONE IN A MILLION! 

_Buttering me up will not-_

Not flattery when it’s facts.  Something about her emotional range said that if he wanted something he’d better tell her right now or she was gonna just throw this whole thing in the trash. And maybe him too if she could figure out how to do that part.  Right, terms, he wants to be an ass I get bunks with you, he won't, promise, but as a side dodge you 'Consider' it. Get me? 

Since Lan Fan wasn’t too happy about him even asking before Greed decided to clarify.  Even if I did I’d be so zonked you wouldn't be hearin' much from me besides muttering in my sleep. But like I said, he’ll fold. It was a private conversation but I informed him I'd like to take my leave of your illustrious corporeal form so he knows where I’m coming from. He just likes desperation. Uh. Not that I don't like it here since about a half a day ago but making a puzzle piece fit by bashing it ain't pretty. You're always critiquing my acting so here's your chance to show me up! 

He readied a last rebuttal.  Before you argue you gotta admit he's fucking rude and you know how hard it was to fix your head, you can feel I’m tired. Thanks for listening to me. If she tried to block him out like Ling had accidentally done that while ago Greed wouldn't have been able to fight it. I don’t got the spare vigor right now. So you're in for playing lame duck? Or possum. You got possums here?

That part he’d just told her was at least truer and less bullshit than all the other stuff. _In the country or in my head? If there's any in the latter I assume you brought them here._

Don't get obtuse, are you familiar with possum as a general- OH CUTE. CUTE. 

“Lan Fan?” Ling’s voice was small, she barely heard him. 

“One minute.”

W _hat do I get from this trade, or is this just what's owed for the head trauma_ ? 

Come onnnn you're bein’ all cold it doesn't have to be a give and take all the time! Lemme play possum and just follow my lead, you're good at that, right in time with my step usually. And yes I'm calling in totally fixing all your head trauma instead of a patch job and letting Mei do it. I also coulda’ put you to bed and got us all the way home cause I can bypass your brain but figured you wouldn't want blood where it don't go for longer than what is advised. (Plus Ling woulda had a fit). 

_Fair enough, I thought I should at least check to see if there was more I could get out of this deal since I figured you would appreciate that logic. It is very much your ‘schtick’._

Youuuuuu!!! You don't want me growing on you but you sure aren’t convincing me!! We’d do- just beautiful things, really! And murder child traffikers, you're down for that right? No matter the me and you situation forthwith? Would love a second pair of hands or just another one covered in metal, he grinned. I ask Ling, is it murder when you're just taking out the trash? And he says, get this, the card, he says, ‘burnable trash is always on Thursdays’. HA! 

_For someone who I was under the impression did not know what a child was for a long while you are surprisingly adamant about that specific subgenre of vigilante justice. Not that I am complaining. I find your terms amicable._ She clumsily volunteered some gratitude, for her head, the injuries, but Greed paid it no great attention- or not as much as she thought he would. He was locked on to something else he wanted much, much more.

If things that are like that happen to things that are like Mei? I said I don't eat souls but you know, there’s always exceptions to most rules. Also I mean- you want absolute fucking mayhem with ZERO guilt that's how you do it. Lan Fan could accuse him of vigilante justice but it was not from an entirely soft heart that the impetus came from. He was still Greed and he had to go out and commit some property damage/acquisition or something every week or so or he’d tear his hair out. Excellent. just act like I’m bein a dick and say to Ling I'm too hard to get at. Her palms pressed together, fingers interlacing. A shake on it, or a version he could pull off.  Addendum to my credo if you will, no kids, no animals, and women are case by case but with respect. He didn’t use her face to smile but it was apparent all the same. See, learnin’ all the time. 

_Refreshing to learn even you are capable of it._

“Soooo…” Ling broached, visibly impatient, “Lan Fan, are you done?”

“Yes my lord.”

Alright— I’m gone for a little but just so you know you're wasted on Ling.  His voice was weaker, his presence harder for her to grasp. If he hadn’t told her what he was doing she’d almost call it slipping away- but by how eager he was Lan Fan was much closer to irked than troubled.

_Hmph._

Ling cocked his head, earnest, “So, what, did he stop talking finally? Or did you finally yell at him enough to get him to stop nagging at you too?” He smiled at her but it held an odd edge. 

“To an extent. He was being finicky my lord and now I can no longer seem to reach him.”

Her lord looked at her like she just told him his ‘free buffet’ coupon had expired yesterday but quickly hid the expression. 

“He says he is 'burnt out and tired'. I think. He was hard to hear.” These things she was telling Ling, they were the truth. Within the acceptable realm of the truth.

“Oh. Did you... can you, uh... check?” Ling seemed delicate, it wasn’t like him to be so withdrawn.

“He can be surprisingly hard to find sometimes. Maybe he shrunk down even more which is why I cannot ‘check’ right now.” She really couldn’t feel where Greed ‘was’ any more. There was a general hint of something if she concentrated but she wasn’t too sure if she was really perceiving it or looking at where she thought he was. No wonder Ling had his issues so long ago. “Are you worried? It seems like this is advantageous for us moving forwards without more interruptions?”

“No!” Ling waved his hands back and forth in denial, “Just was wondering! Did you... did you go and look?” It was also not like him to want to clarify with her, if she told him something Ling took it at face value.

“Yes, I was looking at him and then he went away, when you were interrupting us.” If Lan Fan was unmistaken Ling looked slightly horrified. “I took my focus off of him and when I turned back he was gone.”

She tried to normalize it, Ling’s face was moving towards an all out frown. “I'm sure you've had similar experiences?”

“I-Uh. Yeah. Sure.” Ling looked down, rubbing the back of his hand and stuck it behind his own back quickly. “When did he- uh, what was he saying to you?” 

“He seemed disappointed and upset that he wasn't getting any credit for what he seemed to consider some Herculean effort that had drained him and was complaining about not having energy to keep it up if he ‘kept getting yanked around’, which sounded typically dramatic of him." She would inform her lord what happened and then be done with this. She wanted to get on with getting back home. “He told you ‘get well soon’ and then I told you that he was constantly worried, and then it was hard to hear.”

She rubbed her port. “I do feel better so I... thanked him...and he was very... pleased. He also fixed my arm, and I am not sure about the phantom limb because I have not had an attack that gives me a seizure of pain yet but he said he 'nixed it'.” He’d cleaned it too, and did a job as good as she could have done. The head had been a joint effort for his continued living but the arm was a big one. He'd had nothing to gain. “They do happen frequently so we will have to see. You must have seen Edward have to deal with the after effects? I put less stress on my shoulder cradle than a hipline port so it happens less than Ed’s but we do talk about pain management. Greed said the arm was for getting to 'come along for the ride' but- I do not know if it is the same for you my lord, but I get the idea he does not tell a whole thing when he tells you how he is feeling or why necessarily he is doing something.” 

She had some new knowledge on the subject but- “If you trust my... misguided possibly, insight on the matter, I am not an expert in these things. If.. if I may air a thought- he might have decided to... um.. stay...? Here? Because I needed a... hand?” This was a little tougher for her to articulate but he’d told her that it needed to be mutual for the stone to work, and that seemed to be a thing that persisted after the first connection.

“Again it is general but when you are uh... you know when it is hard to tell who is where, not that I've had much experience, but it is a feeling I get that... that he.... hmmm... It is a bigger feeling from long before. It was that he stayed because he felt we? --Needed help. Or maybe...you... we, as in he and I did not know each other well as of yet,” she'd forgotten Greed’s terms and was actually concerned with getting this out now that she’d stumbled on it.

“I do not think I am being very clear but it is hard to interpret because as I have informed you these are just left um... in here,” she pointed to her temple. “And not from a source that I can ask for more information or clarity. You told me about 'passive memories' once. It is those I think.” Ling had a few things knocking around his skull from when Greed was 'dead' that he said was just old junk. A few nightmares that weren’t his, too. It could have been a clue that Greed was making a reappearance when he started to have new ones but Ling was long gone on being willfully ignorant.

“I did also find you because of that odd thing Greed was able to do, though to be honest I cannot grasp the feeling of it currently. I... do not know how I would have located you but for that.” Lan Fan frowned genuinely, now she had multiple things she’d have to inform him he did for her. She detested that. 

Lan Fan fixed her scarf and shook her head to clear it of frightening ‘what-ifs’. “No matter, we have more ground to cover.” She went to continue on but Ling’s hand grasped her arm.

“Lan Fan, let me look at your chi Right. Now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nano update, things are going good in that I'm hitting the goal of being halfway with my goal at the halfway point? When you got pretty crippling ADHD it is feast or famine, really. I just wanna make a mention of the fact that all your comments really keep me going with this absolute monster. Don't get me wrong I'm not dependent on them to finish or nothing but they really REALLY brighten up my day!


	22. Terroir

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the one, I've been waiting to get to this mess for a long dang time. There's certain dialogue strings that I've been waiting months to drop! Enjoy!!!

"Is... there anything amiss?" Lan Fan let him at it, she wasn't going to directly hide Greed anymore for farces or any other reason. Masking chi and also doing that on top of it had been more difficult than she thought. Her normal amount of effort would suffice going forward. Her range, interestingly, had expanded again beyond even previous limits--she hoped she would keep some of this when he was gone. It was useful. Greed and useful were not things she grouped together but what was true was true.

Ling looked stricken, "WHERE IS HE?"

Greed had managed something as complicated as this? Lan Fan surmised he must have actually gotten better at hiding his own signature on his own like he’d been bragging about. She regarded Ling, overwhelmed herself all of a sudden at the level of disquiet in his response. "I cannot see what you can, you tell me!"

"WHERE ARE YOU, YOU FUCKING SIN?" He tracked a complete circle around Lan Fan, towering over and looking up under her chin, agitation plain to see.

She shied away, "I do not know what yelling at me is going to do?"

"LAN FAN, YOU GET IN THERE AND YOU DRAG HIM OUT!"

"You are still yelling. Like I said, we do not have a distraction. Count this as a blessing and let's go home." Being ordered by her lord was something else entirely but this particular instance was juvenile enough that it would remain unheeded. They could theoretically get home faster without Greed, too. It would be blessedly restful if her lord wasn't screaming about it.

"THIS IS AN IMPERIAL ORDER. YOU FIND THAT BASTARD AND DRAG HIM OUT OF WHATEVER HOLE HE CRAWLED INTO RIGHT NOW."

Okay! That was rude! Ling Yao was being rude to her! She knew what he was implying but the syntax was worryingly… She was not just somewhere for Greed to 'crawl into'. His majesty may be giving an actual fully realized order now but- "Given that that order would delay your own return to well-being I am going to require a good reason as to Why. I am more than capable of ignoring orders that are a detriment to your own health, and getting this unreasonably worked up is not helping anyone. /And/- I am not good at this ‘mind stuff’, so even if I were to waste time looking there is no guarantee of success. Especially given how well he is currently... hiding." Was he just hiding? From Ling's searching, too. He must be relatively good. It didn’t feel like just a standard masking to her. (She’d learned by the time she was ten but it had taken a few years of practice to attain her current grasp of the art.)

"At least I assume he is hiding? Again— not my field of expertise - so, am I carrying you or do you insist on walking?"

Ling stood like a wild deer caught in headlights.

No new orders? Lan Fan would decide for him, then. "You seem very off-put so I will carry you, I have more energy it seems so here," she did have more. She felt a lot better since Greed ‘left’ (?). He promised he did not want to burn himself out but she had told him to stop! Typical of him to just do what he wanted and not heed her direction. Kneeling on a softer spot on the ground she gestured 'get up'. Ling did not move.

"Imperial orders do not help me when I am unsure of how to proceed doing what you wish me to do in any way," she pointed out. That was also factual and when it was important her lord listened to her. Getting home and medical attention was the most important so the fact he was refusing was frustrating.

"I-! Augh fine!" He buckled, getting on to her back angrily. It was more of a clambering.

\---

After that things went 'well', amounting to about twenty minutes of silent almost jogging in which Lan Fan was unhindered with the exception of the periodic feeling of her lord picking at her chi like a crow. Looking for Greed presumably, and not even asking her.

“Emperor Ling Yao- do you require something?” she snapped very uncharacteristically; reminding him of his position and to stop metaphorically pinching at her.

"No! I am being carried by you out of these god awful woods that I hate so thank you Lan Fan for your continued support!" She knew Ling was much more affected than he was letting on, yelling from before aside. He didn't even lift his head from its position near her ear, instead electing to mumble it angrily. "You.... you told me how you were and what you both did but... a lot has happened in the last two days... and the last week." It was something about the quality of his voice but- if she didn't know better she'd think that he was being truly upset rather than jealous and near a tantrum. But— he was good at hiding those things so she could also tell it wouldn't be showing on his face if it wasn't half buried near her neck.

"I am not the one you should be leading on with comments like that but I am the one who is here. I belayed your other order before but are you ordering me to do something now?" Did he have interest in knowing now, how bad it had been and not just the relevant details? This is why she kept to answers of few words. She didn’t want to get into this! She intuited what (who) he really wanted, the prideful sot. It was a question of being too damn -tired-. This was her job, but it had been a terrible few days!

Her shoulder was damp.

Ling sniffed wetly. "Yes."

If she asked WHY her shoulder was damp he'd just say he was falling asleep and drooled like a mountain dog but the snort and whimper she just heard told her different. Lan Fan looked to the mountains that ringed the road for strength and felt an answering echo of enjoyment from somewhere. They were nice to just appreciate, yes. Taking a deep breath, as much as she could with the compression of some major half dead weight draped over her chest cavity, she said only one word: "Fear."

"We were scared. I was scared when I figured out that you were not gone under your own power, which also took me much too long to puzzle out on my own. Days. We are not a clan that does well with fear of the unknown, my lord. I know you know this."

Ling did know she was desperate and if it was his choice he would have been out of that mountain the second he woke up- but his body had elected to not cooperate! There would be changes going forward with how he left the palace as well, he decided.

"I am not so cowed as to not admit my follies- Then I found him, or I did not know what it was that I found. To start. Which terrified me even more because, what could that mean for you?"

Conclusions could easily be jumped to, Ling supposed. He was gone gone and Greed was ostensibly alone for the first time in his entire existence. If a stone could be aware- which, knowing Greed, probably was a measurable amount. If that made any sense. To Ling it sort of did.

"Then I did- That part. After thinking I had some sort of mental break over the course of a blur of days because rubies should not be almost talking to me."

In her situation he guessed that would be a trip and a half, huh. Of course he hadn't known it'd be like that either when the cut on his cheek had Burned with it. 

Damn allergies making him all stuffed up, that's what any wetness around his eyes was.

"Then he was... well you know...here, and it was hard to deal with until it wasn't."

He had a habit of making it like that, yes.

"And there was a new fear that I did not know the shape of, and he wouldn't let me get near. It took me a while to puzzle that out, too. He was scared of me, of course, and scared for his situation, naturally. When he stopped talking, which was almost never, you would think that he was filling a yawning void of something with only words..."

Ling shifted on her uncomfortably and she compensated for the change in distribution automatically. Carrying him was as ingrained in her as her automail now was. Did he wish to get her other shoulder wet? It seemed so.

"So we talked because I had no choice, which is the way of things with him and we also got on the same page with a few misconceptions which I am glad to have gotten out of the way." Trusting others, exactly when she'd started to do that, offerings to her, deals struck and restruck, bad personality reads. Those types of 'misconceptions'

"And when he talked and I was forced to listen, the thing that came up with a startling amount of frequency-- as if it couldn't /not/ come up was You, and You, and also You!"

Ling's breath hitched, it was the only sign he'd heard her.

"I repeat myself because the tenses were past interactions, present condition, and future dealings therein! And the ways I would describe the present and future coming from him were; worry and cautious optimism! And /then/ he let me have my.... little test of faith or whatever. With- hiding what happened. I might have been embarrassed at the state of myself. This— My… The situation I am in is not easy for me to conceptualize or tolerate. I do not like 'sharing'. But he was thrilled to simply interact with you. After that he .... doted... on you and saved me when he wasn’t showing off. Now he is Quiet and I cannot..." Her voice dwindled. She really couldn’t feel him at all. “So I do not know what to think. And-” This one was an older thing that she suddenly /knew/ and she felt was important to say, “coming back the first time, before all of this— was the hardest thing I think he ever did. But, and I am referencing this from the flotsam he left here, he thought it was a 'worthwhile investment'," she finished.

On cue, as if he’d been listening the entire time- a quiet but familiar voice whispered smugly,  Lan Fan? how familiar are you with spirits, and no, not me- booze.

She was going to bury the fact that she was a little relieved -deep-. _You say you are not a sadist and yet I feel you are getting a lot of enjoyment here, and asking me unrelated trivia_.

She was not sure how she could deduce Greed was pulling the equivalent of sitting with his legs up in an armchair with full on wingbacks and a snifter of brandy but that was the feeling. He was also absolutely leaning on her but she was already carrying one idiot so she could spiritually carry another. He wasn't lying about being pretty beat up.

It's not specifically Un-Related? 

_So what._ Lan Fan was trying to ignore Ling most absolutely not having a silent tantrum on her back like they were six again and he had sprained his ankle, fighting back hot tears about it to be strong. Like she Cared? That he was going to cry about an ankle? He had fallen out of that tree under his own power.

So good booze, good wine really, but booze in general, is all about your key floor level ingredients,  he excitedly described.  Wine specifically has a term, the terroir. 

Something about his delivery worried her immensely. _Do you think I know what the hell you are talking about?_

Greed was ecstatic, things had apparently been moving along quite well in his short absence! That fucking grizzling he heard outside was too damn familiar. Tears seemed to be being equivalently exchanged. He was still not very together, it attested to the fact Lan Fan was looking out for him that she could hear him at all. It was all so very droll! Ling had stopped looking for him when he'd started to leak cry water but Lan Fan had hid herself (and therefore him) on her own. He gave the impression of sipping brandy in the space that he spoke to her within her mind but they both knew the liquid was closer to tears. Simply /exquisite/.

So terroir. 

She was going to get an explanation. She couldn't hold him back from one. Ling was hiccuping.

Of course he was going to explain! He had to make sure his high class colloquialisms were gettin' appreciated! He loved to teach! Especially liquor!!

_You may be in my mind but also so far out of it's regular realm of thought it is bizarre._

Greed knew things! He was very excited to /share/ the things he knew! He was set, watching Ling try and silently cry and fail to do so! It was all very good for him! He was loving it, even from the far back seat!

Literally summoned me from where I'd been hiding! Heard some ground breakingly pathetic sniveling and burrowed right back up! Can't miss out on a Ling episode, now can I? 

_Please do not refer to what you do as "burrowing"._

Yeah, yeah, sure thing. Rose up like a soap bubble, how's that? No dirty connotations there. See, when Ling done pushed me down he kept me down with a wall and that's why pulling this shit with you was much easier.  ‘This shit’ entailed him pulling his disappearing act for the hour he had.

It was an even spacing, for the hiding. Then you knew of course I'd be right back so your mind was nice and open and not like a lock box like SOMEBODY. Her arms resituated Ling without her will behind them even as Greed debased Ling privately.

_Do not get comfortable._

Waaaaaaay too late, got me chair. 

_I will trap you in a cellar and build a wall around you if you keep it up._

Okay Monstressor. Good Luck with that, I read that novel too. 

_You say that and yet I still think I could do it._

Have to bait me down there with something better than a fine vintage, maybe your affection might do it? he smarmed. 

Her eyes narrowed. _I would simply say "Here, look at these memories of Ling being a 'fuck up'" and by the time you got through fifteen years of recall you would be cast in cement._

Oh horror, my weakness!  He clutched his non-existent pearls.  Too bad when I'm in his brain I get a library catalogue of shit to look at. Like I said, he's not stingy. Greed didn’t think Ling was capable of feeling any weighty amount of shame either. 

_Yes but there is something to be said of an outside perspective._

Greed peeked at a few things. There /was/ something to be said for that.  You sure do end up carrying him a lot, how many times he twisted that lefty now? 

_Not as much these days, ankle twists are frankly a welcome relief from having to deadman carry an unconscious lug who snuck out after he forgot to eat breakfast._

The homunculus grinned from his fake chair.  Happy to help out there, you know, if Ling 'I'll think about it' Yao wants. Greed was louder than the last few minutes. Lan Fan felt her limbs become not exclusively hers again in a more tangible representation of how he was carrying Ling, demonstrating how that service could be extended.

Whatever, to more nascent things- wait, hold on, lemme sneak a look see!-  Her head turned slightly to get a view of how Ling was doing.  Oh my! Tears like a maiden! That's FUCKING GOOD!— Anyway so terroir- 

Lan Fan could roll her eyes and also pay attention. Multitasking. 

-is a term which is based around where grapes are grown and the base ingredients of wine.  Good wine comes from good grapes and good conditions. Or really bad conditions. Cause the thing about grapes?-  His tone turned upwards in a rhetorical lilt.  They're kinda spoiled. If you treat them too good they don't make good wine! You kinda gotta beat them to shit sometimes, do things like culling, introduce a thing called ‘noble rot’, there's a bunch of stuff. Soil has to be shitty enough that the roots reach deeply to get at the stuff grapes need to grow- 

Both his hands were busy but the etcetera was implied without having to gesture it.

Terroir doesn't do Everything but more often than not a good year comes from a good area, that's why labels with years and vineyards are how they are. Knowing that something is labeled one way when grown at another yard can totally change everything. That's how cheap wine can taste good; Among other multitudes of reasonings and methodologies. There's a reason this stuff stays in families for as many years as I've been around. Making your Own is fucking hard and thats why a lot of new places fold quick, takes years to get a good set up. There was more, a lot more, but she got his drift that it was explained enough for his purposes. For now. Why did that feel almost like a threat?

 _So wine can come from good or bad conditions...How much is this terminology just trite bull to convince people that whatever they are paying for is somehow superior to something else that is much cheaper? It sounds like a con game._ Lan Fan was totally lost on where he was going with this. It wasn’t curiosity that urged her to ask, to go in on his new tangent, but more that Ling’s building bad mood at her shoulder was making her look for any distraction she could. She was guilty but she was also frustrated with his behavior. Weariness ran off her, if she was right this was one of those ‘bad moods’. She didn’t have moods. Moods were beneath her. Greed had moods. 

He wasn’t very committed to a singular answer. It’s a lot like antiques. People are willing to pay what they are willing to pay. There are things like craftsmanship, rarity, materials, those kinds of things, to consider. But that doesn't mean people wont get...greedy... and drive up the price on trash. I’ve had bottles supposedly worth a human life and I've had pig piss taste the same 

_Would I be correct in assuming you speak from experience on the front of driving up the price on trash to fool some ‘mark’?_

Greed didn’t address her question except to innocently blink at her, or at least communicate the feeling of it. It was the Ling type of innocence, guiltless, but that did not mean that no malfeasance had occurred. 

Anyway, so Ling. 

_He is still muttering incoherently on my shoulder, nothing new as of yet._

Yes, yes. I know, he’s almost ready. Let him get his ‘not cry’.  Lan Fan wasn’t sure what Greed meant by ‘ready’ but he was businesslike. 

_Have you thought of what possible grand reentrance you will have that does not taste immediately false?_

Juuust hold your horse, preparations are being prepared. Whatever it was that he was engaged with had the effect that his voice that she could barely hear a few moments ago was stronger. More assured. 

Pay attention, this is important, LING. 

So Ling was important, then? 

Greed snorted, knocked askew from what he was talking about for the half dozenth time but got back on with it without yelling at her in denial. Waste of time. 

Ling! And if we're to use our new word we learned, Ling’s /terroir/, he went on, expressing that he didn’t want her to interrupt if she could help it with his stressed inflection. He had tried to encourage this back and forth but he was on a roll.  That word meaning applying here as 'the make up of who and why he is the way he is'. 

Lan Fan had encapsulated a few different feelings and actions to ‘mime’ rather than actually do since her body's seizure but since Ling was behind her she did actually make a face at the horrible turn of phrase she was hearing from Greed. She didn’t interfere to a degree with Greed from a place of knowing he would absolutely continue with what he wanted to say no matter how many times she broke in to knock him off what he was doing. 

Your place, your clan, how he came to be as a person? Lotta hardship! As much as you still go out and cover those grapes from snow and make sure you have everything irrigated- treat someone princely you might say?  A wink.  They still got beat to shit! Soil's still nearly lyme with how acidic it is, animals chewing at the roots, but still that noble rot set in. (Again drawing a line between nobility and noble botrytis, that's a fungus that works in conjunction with grapes that forms under moist shitty conditions, Lan Fan.) 

_Uh huh._

BASICALLY a lotta neglect! Which! We both know! Was a thing! So! This rot, when controlled properly, with a good heirloom line of grapes produces very sweet wines of a large quality! And I said I don't eat, not really, or I suppose not without help these days, but that absolute mess of wants and needs currently on your back? 

  
  


_...is full of rot?_ She was halfway following the metaphor. 

Yes? Almost. Spoiled rotten, rotten to the core, yeah, but not what Greed was talking about.  BUT IS /ALSO/ JUST THE ABSOLUTE FUCKING FINEST VINTAGE OF SHITHEAD YOU CAN POSSIBLY FIND and is EYE. FUCKING. DEAL. For someone like me,  he finished, immensely satisfied.

Was the metaphor just to get to that point? _Wait... are you grapes and Ling is dirt?_

THIS IDIOT WE GOT IS THE FUCKING CABERNET OF HUMANS!— Kinda? I'm like a fungus I guess. You said that. 

_I did,_ she ceded. _It sounds like you agree-and... have somehow turned those words into an alcohol-adjacent tirade. Which is no small feat._

  
  


I'm very good at what I do. Turning basically any conversation to a tirade of something that interested him was a particular skill!  To get to the point, I have a lot of them, being mostly teeth a lot of the time- Ling is like the absolute fucking bessst for my particular sin of choice. 

Was he actually going to get to the actual heart of the matter? 

What you've helped me reduce him to HERE is like a VERY /VERY/ GOOD YEAR for Gran Cru!! 

It had been a long couple of days. Lan Fan thought herself deserving of some praise from someone that wasn’t using her mind as a bunk bed or from her back. Alphonse would get it.

_So we have made Ling into...worse dirt-?_

Ling is a ball of wants! 

_Which is somehow good dirt?_

Yes dear, very good for me. Greed likes greed. Get it now? That one you got on your shoulder? Covered in snots? Fucking top shelf red. Conti. Romanee. Garnacha. 

Those were certainly words.

Grape JUICE. 

She got it, at least she thought she did. _I must say the metaphor of making Ling into shitty soil for you to take advantage of does not make me feel exceptional about this play act._

What you did by tumbling out a lot of my dirty laundry in that way you do where you give detailed reports that Ling trusts are factual wasn't really in my plan. I heard that bit when you were saying why I stuck around after my dad, that was a big one. I was currently in itty bitty pieces or I would have asked you not to.

Spilt milk. Oh well.

You’re missing some of it. Ling is shitty soil. More key to what we're talking about, Ling is Ling. Obviously. You can't grow things in soil that doesn't want it. All you did in helping me was underline a few things and trim some errant vines on this, to keep with the metaphor. (And I will.) 

_And?_

Ling as he is Now, with his upbringing, who he is, his personality, and how he acts because of the influences in his life, and maybe, belatedly, introduced later, my guiding hand, has made him into what you see here. At his best, mind. I am simply, Reminding Him. 

So Greed was angry Ling wasn't communicating- something? Or being something?

You sped it along basically, because if he wasn't being an obtuse prick we would have been fine! 

_Wine seems to be a very high class metaphor for something so childish, but I suppose that sums both of you up quite well._

Where have I made motions that I wasn't an immature asshead? That's basically right on the tin!  Greed wanted to level with her, she had with him.  All I originally, and by originally I mean in the last hour, wanted, was a simple promise 'cause he keeps yanking my chain. Because… you know, he doesn't go back on promises and whatever. I'd explain about throwing a bottle to let it breathe, which is roughly what I'm doing here, but I don't think you'd get it.

_Mhmm._

But! You know me, and I know you know me. There's what we- you, me and Ling do, and there's being unfair. 

_Hmm, I almost wonder if the promise thing may have come from you or for you_ \- she sort of, it wasn't thinking out loud but it was 'out loud'.

That line, one she did speak for all to hear, "the Xingese always keep their word."...Lan Fan could've sworn she'd never heard him say that before. 

Ling looked at the back of Lan Fan's head hard. Both the people that occupied it did not notice.

MAYBE I PICKED THINGS UP? 

Though, Lan Fan reasoned, it might've been the language change. Goodness knows Ling hadn't bothered saying it in Amestrian up to that point on the Promised Day. Or had it just been something to pacify a monster? 

Whatever it was- it had worked. Ling had been careful to uphold the mantra if Greed was so incensed about it.

_I imagine he does not want to give a verbal promise because he assumes it should already be implied and that if you are not picking up on it that is a 'you problem' - which isn't to say that is not also an immature stance to be taking?_

You and I /also/ both know he's clear to people he wants to know! Made a POINT OF WRITING YOU THAT NOTE AS A ONE PHONE CALL just so YOU'D feel better!

_I feel like drawing a comparison between my liege letting me know he was alive so I would not tear myself apart in grief and giving you a verbal contract that you can move back into his spare apartment are not fair equivalencies._

...Maybe I also delivered that message 'cause of that promise stuff, whatever, we didn't know eachother then. You and me. But I did know your face good enough by that point cause he was always shoving it at me…  She did have a point, if she phrased it like that they didn't look equal. But Lan Fan could also look at it from his point of view! It was the only place he had left!

A promise gives me a thing to WORK TOWARDS! Because, and I'm gonna use a well know thing to you for my metaphor, it's like physical therapy! If you dont got a goal things can fall apart and just in case... you know... something happened, or whatever... I just wanted something in the proverbial back pocket. 

That wasn't the whole story.

Greed winced, caught. Not to say I'm not also multitasking! Ling needs to be reminded just how good things are for him, periodically, and not just when something bad happens. 

_I would like it if this whole Event made him slightly more cautious. Being paranoid is my job not-_ Hobby too. Key personality trait, really. -/N _ot/ his but I would at least appreciate it if he didn't undermine it actively._ She grunted at Greed's interruption but that was all.

I think it did 'cause I dont think he'd be crying so beautifully about it! And you and me have said understandings that I wont forget about in terms of me and him actively undermining things in the future. 

That was understood.

They both paused in a natural lull.

It took me so long to come back ...fighting many teeth and nail at the time because someone didn't think I was back and didn't WANT IT HARD ENOUGH. So the promise is… it's important. 

If Ling promised him he still had a place he could promise Ling that he'd not fuck up getting back to it. But only if Ling did first. That was the rules.

Just to make sure, you know this time, so I don't fall through any cracks in his psyche I play a little possum to make it stick. Vis a vie when I leave your abode later. So we don't have any problems. 

And this is just for you and for me so keep your trap Shut. 

It's nice to be wanted. 

/And/ cause I'm me and he's him I wanna be extra double sugar on pancake day sure that it's NOT only because of the things I can do. Though that's nice too! He pointed at all the times he'd been called on for things only he could do and even though they had mostly been work it was fine, good even. Rounding on her he followed up, confidently,  I already know your thoughts on me, loud as they are and concerned as I am about myself. Toots. 

_Can you do the thing where you are very small and away again?_

**No** **,** he said, specifically louder than before.  So what I Want is for Ling to say what He Wants. You said what You wanted, Lan Fan and did I not do everything to get you there? Yes I Did! 

He 'ahemmed',  Hence...me leaning a bit, and dont think I'm not thankful or I didn't notice because I give a damn and I do. Being direct: THANK YOU for giving me a little foothold here.Gratitude didn't feel like something he had much experience with.

Manners, something which Ling used to care enough about to drill me on. 

It was fun to gossip sometimes. Lan Fan was fully listening to him and even though she challenged him on every little thing it was still nice. He got his whole metaphor story out in one go! With, as extra zest, Ling crying softly in the background while he got to soliloquy it out for a captive audience. Oh, how amazing was that? Having barely anything except what they were carrying to call his own and he was getting such a great gift! It was like a spa day, reinvigorating! He coulda' come back just on this when Ling was keeping him down, no alkahestry needed! He was definitely going to conserve this memory, it was a fine vintage if ever there was one.

Lan Fan was comfortable! Ish! Didn't wanna kill him no more! Ling was positively sick over it! This was the best day for Greed in a long time, they all really needed to get out more! What had he been saying? Vacations were nice! Clearly necessary! He was gonna pay his guys to kidnap Edward and then they would go to the beach next time!

As Greed got himself together he wanted to check what had been going on while he was occupied. Lan Fan, being open to him rummaging just a bit as long as he kept his hands inside the vehicle effectively told him- Ling! IMPERIAL ORDERED HER!! TO GO GET HIM!! If he had legs of his own right now he'd kick them all /over/!

As it was, he was making a real good show of it even with just the mental equivalent.

_Really? Paroxysms of joy? Really?_

Forgive him for the excitement! How could he not hoot and holler over the fact she'd told Ling no! To his face! Repeatedly even! 

HAHAHAHA. It was basically as close to a 'fuck off' as she could attempt on her own! What a total /riot/!

 _It wasn't all for the 'scheme',_ she mentally frowned. _I did not know how, also._

Yeah I did do a hide pretty good. Not fair of him to assume you'd be able to roust me out easy. Without the souls giving my position away I'm real slippery. Hence the 'year without Greed' at the palace. Was really trying to put Humpty back together back then. How's the rest of that go, Lan Fan?  Greed asked, curiosity ladened with sarcasm.

_The year without you or Ling crying on my shoulder for the last hour?_

Something about kings, horses, and men not being able to something or other, it's funny come on. 

_I didn't realize you needed help completing Amestrian nursery rhymes._

It's a COUPLET. And also it's funny. 

Dead silence followed for a large gap.

Alright, subject change. Got it. We been talkin' but it was mainly because you're open to me doing it. I been busy. Been working on getting back together. Again, thanks for keeping the house 'unlocked'. Wouldn't take much for you to bust me way apart so it's an extension of trust on my part that I'm telling you about this. When I go hide damn do I do it. He was proud of himself.

But considering you don't want a mysterious drinking problem and at least three months of amnesiatic episodes I'm sure you'll let me get myself back up to speed copacetic. 

It was a good thing language didn't really matter in the mind they shared because there was no way in hell her Amestrian covered the word he chose. She heard him say it and felt what he meant without actually recognizing the word at all. If it was one thing she was going to miss later it was that.

You get my meaning, good to go, raring, cruising for bruising, in one piece.  She felt another thrill of excitement from him. Speaking Of Bruising-- so Ling's obviously fucked up, didn't feel right mangling him with fists, so I went for an emotional blow instead! Promised I would!! Harm him! For you to make lessons stick!! Greed pressed he didn’t go back on promises either, except the one time. That particular mistake Ling was to this day giving him hell for.

Ling don't feel much of any one emotion for a good hour so this one's good and stuck nice. Like, he holds grudges forevvvver but, what's the analogy…. he puts it on back burner. Believe me, I'm usually back there so I get to see it broiling. If he was physically fine we both woulda' laid into him so same goes for emotional.

Greed 'hmphed',  If he wants to act like he’s A-Ok and wasn’t suffering then I’ll just kick his teeth until he admits otherwise. I personally think this one will stick better with the crying. He can soak a tap to the jaw but to get him to this state you really gotta rake him over the coals. Didn't cry the entire time I had him where he might not see the sun again. He was speaking about the time she was recovering with her arm in Amestris.  And then again I'm sure in the mountain he also put on a probably annoyingly sunny face if I'm interpreting his hints correctly. So! Like I'm encouraging you to depend on others I'm encouraging him!- To be appropriately selfish but also maybe think about other people in a frame of mind that does not include shouldering them and their problems. 

So all this was for Greed to say 'stop putting on a brave face, depend on me'?

Aren't I just a peach? To answer your probable question cause I literally am not strong enough to ferret it out I put most of me in your arm. I knew he wouldn't check it. The vessels go pretty deep in there, he smiled, I know 'cause I fixed it! Tellin' ya as a courtesy please do Not Rip Me Out. 

There was some deliberation on that new request.

THAT WOULD HURT YOU. And I said MOST. 

_I did not do it yet so I am not going to. I think. Do not push it._

Eeeeeeeee we're so buddy-buddy it's making me wanna hurl! 

_Gross._

I KNOW! 

  
  


Greed really took the time to appreciate what he had, yucking it up because someone wanted him around knowing utterly who he was and what he could do at a full and healthy level of being annoying from the beginning. It wasn't as annoying as he necessarily could be, though it was damn close. He was still alive and unharmed, which was also damn close.

He'd pulled out all the stops this time, admitting emotional and physical weaknesses with little reluctance! And even after all of that the brain weather forecast for her was only 'partially cloudy'. Pretty good! Only a twenty percent chance of storms, not bad at all! She'd been very nice to him, considering all the angles.

Which was another thing, he'd never been a guest in such a nice place. She'd been doing good things for him, put out food for him, (food being Ling half wailing by now), asking if he's good, talking terms with him, all sorts of stuff.

SOMEONE just held his grubby pizza grease hand out. 'Gimme shield, gimme heal, gimme expertise on land laws, make a pancake'. Spoiled. He’d had to /bully/ Lan Fan into accepting anything! Guess that told him all he needed to know about the class system in this country. Royal kids should get told No more often. He'd have to work on class systems but it was also personality based. 

Mei didn't act like this, she was the only good one.

Lan Fan is also gonna tell Ling no a lot more and in exchange I hobble him, get me? 

She acted very cool for getting used to listening in on him and didn't make a motion at getting caught this time.

Maybe the secret was having to take care of a pet? Greed wasn't a pet so he was gonna dump that idea. Also he wasn't gonna take care of it when Ling was busy. A pet was a commitment. Maybe he could get Al to make like, a fake goldfish. Or he could get a marimo ball or something, but that just reminded him of good ol' Dad.

I wonder how long I could sink something in resin and he'd think it was real? Probably a week. He had that nest of roaches when they found those biscuits he forgot about but I don't think those were intentional. 

_I have enough to take care of without worrying about a pet. That is also disgusting._

Not my fault, I don't leave tins open to the elements. Alright Lan Fan, almost together, just keep your heart rate even.  Mystifyingly, there was a palpable difference.

Had to do most of this when Ling was asleep first time and I didnt even Know what I was doin' most of the time. It was like building a sand castle on the waterline when you're drunk. Like Piss drunk. I'll tell you that story later if you want, we'll be bedridden for a while. Me and Ling 'we'll' and not you and I we'll. 'Cause, I been talking a lot of shit but I would still like a fast pass back to said grime covered, boogerladen, literal holes punched in him, chi deficient, mineral deficient, brain deficient, probably dehydrated if I know him, obtuse, uncaring, doormat, asshole. 

He could make insults sound so wistful. _I’ll take you up on it assuming I ever wake up again after this is over_ , she said sullenly. 

Oh hush. Like I would fucking have anything happen to you after I go and fix your brain.  His emotional range turned semi serious. 

If it was me and you and we were in a situation where- I don't know, say— a demigod punched a hole in us and I had to do something drastic I think you'd know what I'd pick. 

That admission actually surprised her. _It is less a total life failure and more that I want to sleep for a month. I fully intend to live regardless but Ling's account of a coma is sounding attractive._

You'll be out about a weekend bender by my estimate. I got a good range of experiences to fall back on so my metrics are pretty good. BUT YOU ARE TO CHILL OUT WHEN YOU GET UP. The last portion wasn't only louder but it nearly burned in intensity.

NO BULL. 

_Hmm._

GIMME A YES. No debate this time, no avoiding absolutes.

_I think if you and Ling are still bedridden that is doable. I had some books in this bag I had wanted to finish._

Yes. Good, he clipped. But also I wanna say I think I can arrange Mei to be able to boot me on command. I got a feel for it now- so unless you wanna wake up to me being angry at you and forcing you to read your bodice rippers by gunpoint don't test me. I’ll leave Ling on the operating table. I fucking will.

_Do not play with that threat, Mei will take you up on it._

Exactly. Mei! Likes me! He openly adored Mei and suffering befall anyone who made fun of that.  And she loves mischief, she would do it. 

_Understood, but that said if you leave Ling on a table suffering to bother me, I /Will/ kill you._ Lan Fan had threatened Greed a lot in the past few days but Greed was also learning which ones to treat like a live grenade (and interestingly all about live grenades too!). This was one of them.

Wouldn't have to even be you she slips me back in, wouldn't that be fun?  The possibilities were tempting- but only tempting.  I got dibs on causing Ed hell.  He sensed another threat coming down the pipeline fast.  Oh hush /again/, I don't leave things half done. If I even did something that nuts like fucking leaving I'd make it so he'd be on his way to fixing himself. You make it seem like I don't, ick, /care/.

Lan Fan thought for a second that her nausea which had been blessedly gone was coming back but it was just Greed. _Given how much Ling is sobbing on my shoulder you saying you would happily leave again does sort of imply that,_ she ribbed. It was an actual rib, like the thing she'd seen people do when talking to people they didn't serve under or want to kill.

Greed understood the connotations. He would have paid a handcart of gold for the somewhat serious but good natured jibe. Lan Fan y’see ya don’t get it. It’s- humbling I guess to have someone lay faith in you when ya can kill them in like a blink. Like literal life in hands shit, you know? You know it wouldn't be happily if I needed to go but sometimes we gotta make sacrifices for uh- those we, hm..., you know- the thing.

_I am entirely unaware of how that exchange with trusting your life in another’s hands works._ As for that second portion Lan Fan understood what he was trying to say. All she gave back in return was a set of raised eyebrows.

He smoldered in embarrassment. Shut the fuck up. I only make threats like all the ones I've been making for very specific clientele. I'll revoke your gold card.

_I did not say anything._

/YOU/ AND /I/ -BOTH KNOW- YOU DON'T GOTTA SAY SHIT TO SAY SHIT. 

It was hard for Greed to pull his normal doublespeak nonsense when she had seen him do unadorned things like giving Ling an apple or something just to see him go ‘bananas’ over it.

He and Ling were well matched in another category, they could ramble on and ON! Now she knew how she would leave them speaking only to return hours later to find them still in the same position she had left them in but for the new topic.

He really just talks /at/ people more than anything, Greed submitted with equal amounts of irritation and earnestness. 

_Well then how do you put up with it?_ Her social battery wasn’t large enough to handle prolonged contact even with the small circle of people she enjoyed interacting with.

Greed did not have any such problem, he thrived on that sort of thing. As for Ling,  It’s like white noise. 

_But-_

Greed sighed, he knew it was hard for her to understand the intricacies of not giving a shit. If you listen, he sometimes shuts up faster. 

Lan Fan listened, but she could get that Greed was talking about listening to /all/ of it. That was quite the task.

You now know that to talk as we do,  mind to mind was the implication,  your pauses in conversation are natural around breaths you normally have to take. Ling figured out he didn’t need to do that.  Greed frowned. Lan Fan almost flinched in sympathy.  So I grant ya the fact that you have known him longer but I volunteer that I have /heard/ him longer.

Goodness! He didn't deserve that- oh no- wait. He did. That was pretty much a perfect punishment, actually.

It may be water under the bridge but he still held enough of a scathing disposition that she felt the need to discredit his discomfort. 

_Kidnapping._

Were they EVER gonna let it fucking go? I didn’t INTEND to kidnap first thing, it was theft plain and simple. 

_If you steal a car and discover someone is still in the car and you do not let them leave-._

Hey, he coulda left by dying.  It was Ling’s own damn fault he wouldn’t give anything up!

_That is murder._

No it's not, body is fine.  It was a technicality but Greed did so love his technicalities. 

_/Technically/ a homicide, I had looked it up._

Well aren't you special? Hold on- How did you look this up?  Their deal was kind of one of a kind, he doubted there’d be precedents. Or maybe Xingese law was more specific and weirder than he thought. 

_A man put another in a coma and it seemed to be one the other would not wake from so they ruled it a homicide, it is as close as I could get._

Well that was interesting, but why in the hell did it apply?

_To charge you with intended homicide._

If I did everything I INTENDED to do- Whatever. How would you even enact any punitive measures, genius? I’m for all intents and purposes Ling where it counts in this argument. 

It was not an argument, more just a thought exercise. Lan Fan had long stopped trying to think of insurrections she could have charged him with and started focusing on how to keep them within eyeshot. _Correct and you have to deal with him presently, do you not?_

Ah, hell of my own making, then. 

_Demonstrably yes, though I would have thought a sin would enjoy hell?_

Not gonna say I'm not enjoying things,  he grinned.  Would it sell anything to say I wanted to live and there was a body that would let me do that? Compelling dodge, in his opinion. Something he was continuously paying Ling back for, too.

_I have never said I held any specific anger on that, it is not that you took him, it is that you took him somewhere Else._ Ling accepted it so it was partially his fault as well. 

So if I had stayed and negotiated? 

_I would have hated you still but you would have had somewhat of a case._

He chortled, excited to strike pay dirt,  So playing the pity card, softie like you it's an ace in the deck, huh? 

_I find myself like this because of it,_ Lan Fan grit out. 

It was fun to tease her of course but two things were brought to Greed’s attention. She thought he was worthy of pity?  You thought when I was a stone it's like I died? 

_I DID NOT KNOW! How did you expect me to?_

That was fair, he guessed.  It’s like.... Sleep?Well I could kinda still think so maybe not sleep- This is way better, though- a body I mean. 

_Ever so glad I can provide._ Sarcasm wasn’t a usual one for her but to Greed it seemed a good fit. 

I've been sayin’ thank you a lot! 

He went quiet again but it was mostly from needing to focus on something. While he was busy she took his admission that he basically- it was hard for him to actually just say it, but it couldn't be misconstrued, cared. About her. Specifically. And put it in the box of 'I don't know why they act like that but I will have to accept it.'

Ling had not stopped doing what he was doing the whole time. 

'Kay I'm basically all in your brachial artery now, that's near the arm- and turns into the axillary artery. Mei gave me a lot of names, it's good to have maps. Now how was he going to get Ling to say the magic words? Lan Fan hadn't been too hard but he'd outright asked for them. He couldn't do that here!

It's too bad about the wine metaphors being lost on you. I'm partial to reds but as whites go you're Domaine Leflaive Batard Montrachet Grand Cru. Though taking into account myself you're more of a Chateau d’Yguem but that's a little high ball to keep as a metaphor by yourself. 

_You are making words up now_ , she accused.

He did not want to insult her, it had been intended as a compliment. Plus, he loved to explain!  The first one is expensive but worth the price, notes of hazlenut and lemon, wineheads will pay the price of a down payment on a house per bottle and guzzle it gladly. When people tried to compliment her they usually stuck with 'dependable' or 'strong'. Greed’s hyperspecificity was messy. Lan Fan supposed it was the thought that counted.

The 1811 D'yguem is a bit of a deep cut as far as my jokes go- 

_Uh /Huh/._ She stressed the last half of the grunt. It was all deep cuts with him. Always. 

Not only is it an oldie so I didnt wanna imply you're ancient with the comparison but given we're like this right now and /I'm/ certainly old enough- 

Lan Fan felt him almost open a book up to reference a page. He could do things like this but when she asked him 'where in the hell have you two been?' he couldn't give her specifics.

White wines expire faster compared to red wines and other alcoholic beverages. But with the 1811 Chateau d’Yguem, the case is different. This wine contains high amounts of residual sugar, making it last for centuries. Its content is composed of Semillon and Sauvignon Blanc, (an eighty twenty split), which helped the wine to age well and kept it from spoiling. 

She heard a book shut.

Call me the Sauvignon, he winked.

_I will not._ _Maybe I will call you a Wine-er because you like wine and you whine._

How about the sugar bit, cause you're sweet even though you BITE ME SO OFTEN- OH MY- WAS THAT A /PUN/?!  He nearly lost all the progress he'd made putting himself back to rights, holding himself together by will.

She smirked, it may have been hidden under her scarf but Greed knew about it. _That is a pun in another language as well, I think I deserve praise for it._

I AM POINTING. I am IN PRAISE OF IT.  He couldn't communicate harder how much he was in praise of it, he wanted to dedicate a parade in its honor. He was going to blow his nose into an oversized handkerchief.

She gave him a small mental mock bow to tie a bow on the whole farce. There was technically some fun happening, as shocking as that was. 

It was easy to get carried along in the drama when Greed really got going. It was a thing he excelled at. Getting people to go along with things was a learned art, really. It was so rewarding when it paid off. Snake oil and smoke and mirrors would get a foot in some doors but skill brought it home. 

He missed the souls days now and again for the convenience but as far as trades went things came up in his favor (again). He had a thought, if during those souls days it had been him and her at full power instead of Ling they could have done the world, maybe. Though it would have been a bother. It was never a realistic goal if he was being honest, which he always was. 

If he was gonna have a goal he was gonna shoot for the moon if he was gonna do it. He mostly just didn't want Dad to have it. The world, what he wanted. After Greed took care of that not happening he was down for whatever came up.

It didn't hurt to have a big unattainable goal.

Thinking of Dad— he tried not to usually, Greed didn't think the old bag would appreciate the things he thought were just the bees fucking knees.Though maybe there was a time there for a little when Dad had something, though those memories were almost non existent and featured someone who looked like Ed but less like a goblin child. The original want had to come from somewhere.

Greed hadn't gotten to see his old man explode first-hand but he revisited Ling's memory of it from time to time, for fun. Ling had given it to him special on a particularly gloomy morning. Doing what Dad did was a classic example of biting off more than you can chew.

You shoot for the moon but land among stars and cut your losses. Not open up a door to god and eat it or whatever. One (large, affluent) country and a bushel basket full of teens to harry were enough. Greed had his hands plenty full as it was, which was how he preferred it. The country was fuckhuge and the teens were indeed one in a million examples.

The Yao clan has some five hundred thousand odd souls so he had already played some heavy odds getting two of the best ones out of that vineyard. Struck it gold with the bawling one and then as a fucking bonus got an obsidian knife of a hanger on with him! The real kicker was he didn't even have to /look/, they just came to him on a silver platter.

It was the way of things with him, stumble on what he actually had already. One country's trash— that whole bit. Take it on one of those roadshows and the guy values it at millions and he found it at a garage sale. He didn't even buy it at the garage sale, he found it in the free pile after the garage sale after it had rained on it the next day.

It almost felt criminal but he did do some work restoring some stuff. Old spit shine and maybe re-inlaid some mother of pearl- it wasnt Free was the thing. He had to spend money to make money. Or in this case give some things up and donate some time and sanity.

In the matter of the obsidian knife, she would let him hang around with her like he was doing right now as long as he needed, if need be, but it wouldn’t be needed. The silent promise that she would was /appreciated/ and that was the important part. Controversly, the gold fucking gravyboat was STILL at it out there—? They pay people to cry like that at funerals. Maybe they can strike up a weekend gig doing something like that. 

Maybe Ling just had problems with putting on a face until he didn't have to anymore and they would work on that too. Shoot for something in between a mysterious smile that tells nothing and bawling for a good hour.

Lan Fan was apparently figuring out how to par down a specific memory snippet and give it to him with force because she showed him a specific funeral involving a homunculus that Ling had cried at.

Greed frowned,  Don't go and guilt trip me, I'm running a guilt racket already with your emperor so don't try and make it into a pyramid scheme. I'd say our emperor but I certainly don't recognize his authority when I'm not half of it, and even then, order me around? fuck -Right-off. I do REQUESTS. 

Maybe Ling did have some stamina after all?

Okay, all nice and coagulated, isn't that a nice word? Easier to do that with less limb. Pretty sure I took a wrong turn at Ling's elbow like forty seven times. His body is shit, have I told you it's shit? It's real shit. 

Lan Fan felt a mental point,  Left pocket, I put a cookie in there. Could you gimme a sugar boost, please?  Energy was energy, a cookie wasn't much but it was something.  Right pocket, and bottom left zipper for other cookies that I hid if you want them. Ling's not getting last cookie anytime soon, that's Privilege and he has to Earn It. She could actually go for something to eat.  You, on the other hand, please enjoy all cookies- and not just because I get it too 'cause I'm here. 

"...Lan fan? Where'd you get a cookie? Can I have one?" Ling whispered, his voice box sounded half strangled from the tears.

Greed pounced. Say no, say no, say no. There's none left, you have to /break/ him! 

_Is this because being told no is good for him or you are the worst person alive?_

Give me a MODICUM of trust in that I know what I'm doing with him, don't give just yet, he advised.

"No this is the last one," she lied. She was lying for Greed now. This was something that was happening and she was fully aware of what she was doing.

Ling didn't argue or ask anything more, just acknowledged her with a forlorn "Okay…"

Greed whistled. Honest people really did make the best liars, damn. You got the phrase 'taking candy from a baby' here?

_We do not but it means... it is easy?_

Yeah, that is the definition, but I'm making a comparison based joke because of similarities more than motive. A dessert item and a fucking crying induvidual. Reigning in Ling is nothing but easy sometimes. 

With a blanket statement like that- of course Lan Fan had to agree with it. _Are you ready now for this stupid thing?_

Greed felt 'there' again. Almost like he was also on her back.  Yesss, keep a hold of me nice and hidden just like you've been doing until you don't need to, you'll know. 

She had automatically done it. It wasn't to play into this game, more simply just a stubborn habit from having to do it this entire time.

"Your majesty—," she asked Ling, professionally but also breaking no argument that she required a response.

"Whu- what!?" Ling's voice cracked halfway through the question.

"Are you okay back there? Is there something I can do?"

"I am FINE. Nothing is the matter!" 

Her and Greed shared the exact same emotional response to that statement, privately. "I am sorry about the cookie? I was very hungry and you had a lot of them already."

"It's not the- the damn cookies!!"

Her and the thing listening in felt like maybe a percentage of it was yes about the 'damn cookies' but he'd been crying before he knew about them so maybe not a large percentage.

"You are obviously upset, do not beat around the bush. I am not aligned under an emperor like that."

"I-"

No more messing around. "Yes you are upset, stop being so contrary."

Ling stopped for a time. He stopped crying, and for a few seconds he stopped making any sound at all. "I am— compromised. I have many injuries and wish to go home. Many taxing things have happened to me and mine this week and it is a lot so... so I am overwhelmed."

Now that was a relatively mature admission, she thought, but something nasty in her that had a specific name said,  double down, it's dealers rules and you're holding two tens.

Cards were not a......Oh she had one! She had one for this! A strong suit!!!

The homunculus had said something about being able to make more eyes if he wished to and Lan Fan was not sure how many hands he had to make just for that round of applause. Additionally, that selfsame nasty thing, part of her right now but not part of her, was concentrating very hard on the "me and mine" part of Ling's statement.

"Yes. I am in full agreement. It has been a hard week for All of us, and not just us here. It has been difficult back at the capital."

Ling's hands twitched where they held on, "I know and I did apologize. I will make arrangements when I am home."

He did apologize to /her/ as well. She didn't blame him for the state of the country and- someone was pointing out not everyone present got an apology. YES. SHE KNOWS- and she deeply understood Ling did right for those under him, it was the whole reason he came to Amestris.

"Then what else has you, um- upset, on my shoulder. Please at least wipe it off." Tact was another thing she'd trained in.

Ling was already rubbing at it with a clean sleeve and not looking at her, eyes fully downcast. "The... the thing you were speaking about before. How you were when I was missing. I was... also that."

Ah, so he was scared, that would make him act ways about things, yes. She had seen it enough times. Ling got funny about things he was scared enough for in that he'd not directly influence it in the fear that his attention would make it worse or people around him would use it as a pry board on him. It was an older habit.

Yes, and Lan Fan had now puzzled it out. She was a safe topic because he knew she could take care of herself but Someone Else had spooked Ling enough to fall into the 'do not directly reference the trauma' category. If she was being direct. Which she tried to be. And that selfsame someone was following her puzzling with interest.

The follower submitted, though, that he'd asked 'directly' as well for a simple concerned thought. And, - yes, he did. So, he brought up, if Ling was to act his position a direct asking shouldn't be something he puts off. 

_Direct is not a thing we do much in Xing, Greed, it is a little more complicated than that._

Well Duh! He's lived here too, on and off for a year and a bit! And fucked with politicians!  We both don't have time for faffing about and you expect it out of Ling when it counts, and he gives it too, when it counts. 

"Okay, I know we have had it rough," that being a comment to them both. In being direct she stressed the 'we have' to mean three and not two as well.

"What do you require otherwise?" She was the hand of her lord and was Literally carrying him, his sin, and this conversation. Carrying her direct superior's sins, (tangibly) she felt poetry in there somewhere as SOMEONE was pointing out but she was not one for flowery prose.

"I.. I would..."

The anticipatory perk of attention hit a high point.

"Because if it is Greed I do not think he can fix you presently," she reminded Ling.

Correct, at the moment Greed probably could not, but if need be he'd make sure Ling'd be...kinda like what Lan Fan was doing for him right now? Carrying his body but also just letting he, Greed, rest up. Comfortable was the word?

Ling pressed his face flat enough into her where his next words came out almost inaudible "-d-nt -a-e."

Hmm? What was that?! 

"What did you say, my lord?"

"Don't care. Just... want..."

And ain't.

That.

Just the /best/?

"So you wish for an altogether useless homunculus?"

Her shoulder was covered in slime again, he was talking right into it, more accurately it was like he was trying to talk right into the muscle on her back. "Things don't... have to be useful to be important," he said, haltingly after another protracted stretch, like he was just coming to the conclusion himself. 

Hmmm! Little something for garnish, please. 

She hadn't cooked much before but alright. 

"What do you require?" Just out with it already!

"I WANT GREED," and right next to her ear again Ling had to snap that one out like a proper /order/, finally.

Greed, well, he said he didn't eat. But a comment like that? He was suddenly, absolutely, STARVING.

And now we say no! 

Y _ou are the worst person alive._

Well Yeah! But also just do it. 

He was too busy cackling madly to answer Ling so she would do it for him.

"He did not /go/ anywhere. I would know. I am pretty sure," she sighed. That one was much more the truth than it sounded.

"But where is he?" Ling pushed. He had already been caught crying for… quite a lot of time. It was Greed’s fault that he didn't get it wasn't only for stuff he could do. Even if he couldn't do all the good shock and awe, Ling would still want him around! That's why he didn't care about even getting fixed anymore! If Greed was totally incapable with everything, even the mental aspects, Ling would still make a place for him. Maybe… not running the palace? That one took some actual skill. But he could still help. Ed was allowed around and he was no help to anyone so of course Greed could stay, too!

Friendship, family, and life debt aside, Xing was still Ling’s home and he was beholden to its people. A ruler had to have a resume, there were tests. Which, Greed had passed, crazily. Ling wasn't sure what kind of nepotism giving his homunculus a free pass to rule was, but the situation hadn't come up. He'd earned it.

/Genuinely/ he was stupid good at many if the areas Ling was weak in. What Greed didn't know he quickly studied and not just because he had access to Ling's memory bank.

Ling always thought he was constantly watching. But Greed lived it. Ling tended to focus on specifics, openings, weakness, facts, informational exchanges.

Greed just, took in everything, and yes- a lot of it was inconsequential but some of the stuff he brought in ended up being Important.

Two dramatic idiots in a trenchcoat...once one of them got removed all that was left was a sniveling child who can't get into the movie theatre on their own.

Ling thought Greed understood. He'd already given Greed a promise, why double up? Greed said himself that he didn’t go back on them.

Lan Fan took in Ling's silence. "I do not know where he is but I am sure he isn't gone." She was begrudgingly following along but wasn't sure what Greed could still want, he'd gotten the grand admission. His attention had slammed wide and insatiable and while the peak had passed it had not gone away.

I got my want but now we have to teach him not to gimme. Do you give one of those children I hear about a lollipop when they scream for it the first time? 

For how he was reacting even if his voice was unaltered he was getting some kind of contact buzz over whatever emotional turmoil he was wreaking through her on Ling. But Greed was sort of correct. It was just for the wrong reasons. 

Want that verbal contract cause I've gone for broke. 

Ling wasn't having her vaugeries, his head rose off her shoulder to look at her, as furious as he'd been at Greed tons of times. This time it was only directed at her. It went to show that she'd grown that something that had so worried her /might/ happen over almost killing Ed didn't phase her now. "LAN FAN DID YOU DESTROY MY HOMUNCULUS?"

Ah, his only when he can't have it, huh? Very amusing. 

_Greed are you playing keep away right now? Is this what this is? Are you living out your bully fantasies because I am not an accessory-_

“PROMISES DIDN'T MAKE HIM STAY THE FIRST TIME,” Ling cried. 

Oh. _Hmm._

Lan Fan pump the breaks, done playing. 

That was enough. "I could not have destroyed him. I was not involved in his decision-making, if anything he would have destroyed himself and I think his vanity would never fully allow that. Remember how even when he died in front of you he didn't actually? The likelihood of him dying without the degree of fanfare he used for even a fake death is unfathomable," she 'theorized'.

Was long and away time to tie this off.

"But maybe it would work, if I were you I would try it. ...As I am thinking about it I am not sure how much of this stone is you and since it is regrettably with me I am less than zero percent you at this juncture, so I hate it." That line of thinking was all her just discovering it at that second.

Ling used his wrist to rub at his eyes, "I didn't think I needed to promise because of COURSE HE'S WELCOME. BUT SURE. ONE HUNDRED PERCENT. PROMISE. ON MY POSITION EVEN. I /hate/ him!" If he wasn't holding on he would have crossed his arms. 

See! That wasn't so hard! Greed soothed.

_Yes it was._

Pardon me for a second, and uh, yeah apologies, he's stubborn. He shakily went to use her body, much different from the grip he’d had the other times. In the interest of finishing this she let him without pulling away. 

"So Ling, where you think I'm gonna go, huh? I was just takin' an hour lunch, what I miss?" Greed asked, and it was Greed not Lan Fan with Greed's inflections and personality.

_How are you doing that with my voice_?

I'm talented, figured it should be genuine. Told you I could. 

Some things happened pretty quickly. Lan Fan getting to take ten while Ling clawed at her throat being the main one.

_Bye Greed._

LAN FAN. 

_Goodbye Greed I am taking /my/ lunch. Have fun with the bed you have made._ She was going to put calming forest noises at a repetition and look over a relaxing mental landscape. She got the appeal of just being able to leave without having to take one step. It was efficient. No wonder they did it to each other so often. 

Her lord would most likely not do any lasting damage, he was too weak. Greed could handle it, she trusted him with that much. It was nice of her to do so, she thought. If he did take any damage in her stead he would have to heal it too, that was the implicit agreement. 

WELL YEAH BUT- 

_Ah ah, no buts! It is fine for now. Ling is probably going to save the worst of it for when you are back together._

He had made himself quite the bed.  Can I stay with you? 

Ling had his hands around their neck, there was a strangulation attempt going on, but Greed wasn't too bothered.

_No._

That, meanwhile, did bother him.  WE WERE TO SAY NO TO /LING/. 

Ling knocking them to the ground from standing had a bigger impact than any of his ministrations.

 _And now I am saying no to you, have fun out there,_ she clipped- almost, /almost/ mocking.

Greed checked on their status.  Huh he's really goin' at it, it's almost cute. Oh fuck you so much Lan Fan. Fine. Got what I want. Did it to myself so I'll take my lumps. 

"Ling you might hurt Lan Fan if you keep this up," Greed noted. 

"YOU AND YOU-- AND YOU FUCKING, AND YOU DONT GET TO--"

"Aw come on, you needed to make my promise—, use your thumbs like I taught you, right next to the trachea or I'm never gonna pass out at this rate," he instructed.

"I ONLY PRETENDED TO LISTEN TO THOSE TIPS. YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW HOW TO THROTTLE SOMEONE ON MY OWN YOU FUCKING—"

Lan Fan had chosen a beach, she'd never been to an actual one but she had been to freshwater lakes. Summer always put her in mind of one.

"Not getting throttled, still totally able to speak unfettered, shit prince-" Greed said, "beach is pretty, I like it, let's go there next time." It was funny she'd chosen that, he'd been on a beach kick too.

"SHIT /EMPEROR/ TO YOU ASSHOLE."

Greed gave Ling a full view of his borrowed pearly whites, "Half! Had to get that with help as well." He hissed like he picked up a papercut, "Ach, watch your nails, use the ball of your thumb."

Greed was pretty hungry, "Lan Fan, what you want for dinner tonight if we can get home, I'll order somethin’ nice? Maybe we can pick something up on the way back? You know if we hit civilization ever." It'd been forever since he'd got take away. "Ling. Keep it clean, no hair pulling."

"--AND YOU FUCKING DON'T EVEN HAVE THE DECENCY-"

"Ling? Orders? You up for some scallions?"

"--YOU BASTARD YOU FUCKING BASTARD--" He'd morphed into shouting a more creative string of curses, both Xingese and Amestrian with a few other languages Greed was less versed in mixed in. Greed had taught him some of the greatest hits but there were a few new ones in there. That was exciting, he'd been learning! Here Greed thought he'd been getting stagnant.

Lan Fan was having scrap thoughts of the time she'd seen ivy pulled off a wall in one piece. Greed thought her mean given that he was on the ground getting dirty(er) and Ling was leaving little red nail marks where it wasn't covered by scarf. It reminded him of bug bites.

Ling was trying to actively kill him but he didn't think it counted because he wasn't even doing a mediocre job. Really Greed would rather her not be getting dirty in a ditch on the side of the road Ling rolled them into, not nice, but Ling was so inconsiderate.

If his neck wringing technique was as good as his sharp mouth Greed would be worrying but as it was he was about ready to take another fucking nap. It was very comfortable on the grass with Lan Fan relaxed and Ling screeching in the background, better than home.

"--AND I BET YOU WERE JUST WATCHING ME CRY AND /LOVING IT/. HOW'D YOU PUT HER UP TO IT?"

"Trade secret!"

"LAN FAN HE'S GONNA LAY EGGS IN YOUR BRAIN."

"You can try to pit her against me all you want she's on a beach thing and also—" Oh was this sweeeeeet to drop on him, "trusts my judgement.”

Ling's hands relaxed in momentary shock but redoubled in strength. Too bad zero plus zero was zero. "YOU'VE BRAINWASHED HER AND SHE'S STUCK IN THERE!"

"You are literally more at fault with brainwashing individuals. Your hands are clammy, get 'em off our neck." If Ling wasn't going to get anywhere after this long Greed would rather be somewhere better by sunset. "I did kinda fry myself so I wouldn't even be able to keep her locked up, I'm pretty beat. Plus, unlike you, she's been very agreeable as of late!"

Ling's knees were digging into him a little, as he was bearing down with his full weight. Greed could have been waiting in line at a food stall with how nonchalant he was. "You and I both know I can't tell her what to do without a LOT of evidence why. You she somehow listens to, I don't get it."

Ling was light to start but fluids for weeks meant that even the size advantage he had amounted to peanuts. No rush on Greed's end, certainly. How many times had he told him, if he was gonna have long limbs to use them as a lever! Ling was just gonna wind himself trying to stop Greed from taking in air. Sad and ironic, really.

Ling said stuff to the contrary but he hadn't been listening! Greed gave all those tips for a reason. Though, to level the argument, Lan Fan may have been five feet nothing but she was a solid slab. If Greed took Ling's throat in one of their hands the deed would be quickly done with. Not even the metal one!

It really was cheating.

As it was, it helped now. Greed sighed, taking Ling's right wrist, didn't need to do this too hard and break his writing hand, and pinched the area under the carpal bones right in the 'V' between the two bones in the arm. He could never remember which was which.

"OW, OW, OW GREED, OW"

Yikes, she probably could squeeze the juice out of a beet, this wasn't even hard for him. He could squeeze like this all day!

"GREED, OW"

This hold was good because it didn't bruise and as long as you didn't apply too much pressure and your target didn't roll in your grip. It was also not very lasting in terms of pain.

Ling to his credit was smart enough to stop moving except to scream 'ow'. "It’s cheating using Lan Fan’s tricks and you know it!" he said.

"Nah, this one's all me, her tricks aren’t generous like this one is. I know that wrist is your bum one and you broke it wrong, remember? It's why it hurts good!" He'd been meaning to get around to fixing it but an old break was annoying so he'd been waiting for Ling to break it again.

"GREED LET GO!"

Greed thought about it, "No, don't think I will." "Say please?" he added, as an afterthought.

"FUCK YOU."

"That's not please!" he grinned.

"GREED OOWWWWWW."

Ling was really lucky Greed had him with the hand that had a pulse because the metal one was hard to modulate pressure with. Was still gettin’ used to it! He was pretty sure he could shatter rock with it if he were so inclined. Might have to do that at some point in the near future.

"You want out you can also say Uncle," his grin intensified, "oh even Better say EMPEROR Greed."

"YOU MUNG BEAN PASTE EATING DEGENERATE MULE'S SON-"

"I’m hearing some repeats, are you getting tired? Creativity was never your strong suit, Ling." 

Ling lunged at Greed's face with the free hand that had been scratching at the unwavering grip on his wrist.

"Ah Ah! No clawing at my eyes! That's not friendly!" It was dangerously close to a slap fight now. Greed hadn’t moved a centimeter and Ling had been half batting at him but the real fighting he was doing was going up against the iron grip. Lan Fan in the mix made this too easy for him, it was really sad. Sad for Ling at least. Greed was still having some fun.

Lan Fan of course was still beachside but she trained an eye at the 'ows' of the last few minutes, checked Greed's form, found nothing wrong with it, and was back looking for shells. There had been a slight nod of approval on the hold he picked but that was as involved as she was getting.

She'd remember that for...hmm who did she not want to hurt, maybe Mei if she ate the cake she got from the special bakery again. She had been SAVING IT AT THE BACK OF THE PANTRY-

If it's ganache I can probably take a crack at it? 

_Go back to your slap fight with my lord._

Not a fight when only one of us is trying. Technically still a fight but this is like, someone trying to fight a wall or something. A drunk swinging punches at a street lamp is ‘fighting’ but we all know there’s a distinction. 

_Suppose you have expe-_ Uh huh.

In the second Greed had popped away things had changed. Coming back he found Ling just sort of hanging from his grip, quiet. "Done?" he asked kindly.

The only answer he got was in the form of a bitter silent nod. Or that was at least until Ling asked, "Greed, are you okay?"

Ahaha, that wasn't the terms he was asking for but!- That got Ling set very gently down, he'd earned the courtesy. Surprising him all over again. Just when you thought you had his number he throws you that curveball. Lan Fan had called him a constantly changing life experience and that summed him up pretty good.

Ling rubbed his wrist that sported a red divot from Lan Fan's nail that would fade in a bit and did not really look at Greed but also sort of still looked at him.

"Been better and worse, healing is tougher when I don't know my way around. It's uphill and I had one shot to get it right. You I can blind man around with and know, of course. We’ve both been better. Me and Lan Fan. We're teetotaling home, kinda supporting each other like businessmen after happy hour. Was pretty serious as much as I was dramatic before, but it's okay."

Greed offered his favorite burden a spot back up.

"Come on, I'll carry for a bit we can talk on the way, no more ditch fight until after we get home. I wanna at least get to a landmark so they have an idea where the fuck to look for us. "

"Mm," Ling looked reluctant. 

"Don't be proud now, up you get." Ling did, with no more coaxing needed, and Greed guessed it was easier to mumble into Lan Fan's scapula but a "sorry" was audible.

They did not call Greed (them really) the even-handed emperor for nothing, as while Ling gave, Greed took, more often than not. He would take that apology too, no problem.

"Yeah okay. Scooted for a bit but in my defense I did give Lan Fan a check up while I was doing it, though she wasn't aware of that at the time. Surprise, you don't have blood clots!"

Lan Fan laid on her beach chair with sunglasses and one of those tanning mirrors, giving no reaction whatsoever she had heard.

He'd told a little half truth about teasing Ling to get a deeper scan on her, didn't need to clean up blood on the brain to miss something and give her a stroke in a week. Two birds, one Philosopher's stone, yadda yadda.

Mul. ti. task.

He was a juggler by trade.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanna thank y'all again for the nice reception on this fic. I figured it'd appeal to like me and Maybe 2 other people so the fact I got so many returning commenters every week is humbling! No matter the reception I'm having a total blast writing this but I just wanted to thank everyone for the half dozenth time.


	23. Caving

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *check this chapter's end notes for some various warnings before proceeding!

Despite the low level horror of finding out that behind the curtain Ling and Greed really were just making everything up as they went along things weren’t so bad. Lan Fan was gross but the connection to the outside feeling of her body was pretty far away. It eased the aches and let her momentarily ignore how her scarf smelled. She /could/ just junk it, but that would be left for extreme emergency. Ling, as he’d explained, by virtue of being in a cool dry room was... less disgusting. But sadly only less.

They had cleaned him up to try and prevent infection, given him clean clothes- but it had been two weeks. They were both victims of hard travel, gunpowder, and grime. Greed had used to not care about creature comforts so much, or not keeping up with them, but holy shit the discovery of the palace baths had destroyed that routine. 

It was pretty okay. Less the current existance being a fucking PRISON than she thought when she took in various personages. 

Ling? Ling’s a prison, Greed ‘joked’. A nice one. Totally white collar- but it was a prison sentence. Greed was really a political prisoner if he was to keep going with the comparison. Some of the most adept gang leaders he’d heard about did their best work from prison. As long as he got out on good behavior from time to time he couldn’t bring himself to mind so much. 

Ling tapped them on the shoulder, "Were you... when you were... like, when you were just a stone? Did you know what was going on?" 

"YUP. AWARE ENOUGH. FOR A GOOD WEEK. THEREABOUTS." Even though Greed answered him hotly it wasn’t with any real anger. Just proving a point- he’d not been having a party either. 

“Mm." Ling was trapped too but at least he'd had outside stimulus, actually a lot had been going on.

“YEAH. BAD TIME LAST TWO WEEKS.”

Ling decided he would forgive them both for messing with him, he’d done far more than his share on his own. He was more surprised that Greed had gotten Lan Fan to go along with things even passively, either she felt like she was massively in arrears with him or Greed was getting better at talking circles around people in ‘negotiations’. As for his bodyguard it was going to take a lot, a LOT, more than a prank gone sour for Ling’s view of her to be tarnished in any way. Really, being able to pull the wool over his eyes elevated her even higher. Once he got over the rawness of the slight. Trust Greed to commit to the bit. To view him in a more positive light (Ling had gotten very used to forcing that viewpoint on himself during the rougher times) Greed had helped Lan Fan with plenty more things than just a head injury. Not that Ling would have been able to stop him but he did owe the homunculus for it- for a lot of things, actually. 

It wasn’t like Ling himself was blameless either. What was he, some kind of hypocrite? 

“Your girl’s a little bit of an idiot too, found that out,” Greed stated. It wasn’t an insult, most of his favorite people were idiots of some sort, especially the smart ones. 

“Really?” Ling asked, not at all serious. He was aware. 

“Yeah, kinda dumb! Just gets outshone by all the other floodlights of stupidity but she's not banging on a lot of cylinders either. It’s why I'm here usin’ her mouth so I'm glad for it.” Mei would have made something work eventually but how it had turned out was fine. 

“The only one of us with full capacity in the palace is Mei, she’s the best of us! Maybe Al on a good day!” Ling said.

"Did we mention she was hiding in a nearby closet when Lan Fan bit the bullet with me? Love the scamp so /much/." 

Ling gasped gently, "SHE JUST LET IT GO, HUH? Let the chips fall where they may?"

"YUP," Greed chuckled, "had some sort of medieval nightmare restraint bag on hand too. I’m not certain- I didn’t get a good look at it myself." 

"She’s learned to roll with punches so well she should teach courses!" Ling would like if Mei was here to give him a more accurate or stronger dose of medicine too, he'd been going back and forth on whether to ask if they had more. Medicine was great but it also made him go gaa gaa. After everything that happened he wanted his wits about him, he hated to think what would have come to pass if he’d been more befuddled. Being awake was painful but good, better than the coma and the ‘coma’. 

"So with Lan Fan it’s... like, is it okay?” Ling asked. 

“Like what— mentally or physically?” Greed marked Ling’s reply of a ‘little of A and B’ head wiggle, “You were shit rude but right with me being able to take a body as long as some conditions are met. Mei said Envy had a hostage situation with a weak willed sycophant at some point? My way’s a bit different but the end result is essentially the same. Like it IS a thing I was made to do.” Scared the shit out of Greed at the time but bygones were bygones, “She admits she wants something and we have a connection I can work with.” Greed’s face pulled into an ‘and there you are’ expression.

“Plus a mutual... hmmm... let’s call you a friend to be nice and not a burden like I wanted to when I was thinking the words to say.”

Ling delivered a patented look. Greed grappled with the fact he must have been worse off than he thought because he had missed even Ling’s third degree. Ling asked Greed by the addition of a raised eyebrow to go on.

“You remember when we met, Ling.” Greed paused, leery suddenly about talking about the picture he was painting. “Just... think less- uh-- just edit a lot of the worst parts.”

Lan Fan not commenting on Greed’s accounts made Ling relax. She found it hard to talk about hardship but Greed boasting that it was easy meant she’d be there to correct him if he was fibbing. 

Greed expounded, aware Ling had him under heavy scrutiny. “She had all her ribs for starters! Not having to patch things up physically saved a Lot of hassle on both ends. Didn't try and consume her like I did you, either! No basement fight and she drove a lot...” Expediting had been the name of the game. 

“Didn't let me drive for /months/,” Ling moped. 

“No getting ripped apart and remade on an atomic level! She definitely didn't scream like you did but she's also much hardier than you. I don't think she even made a peep! Class act on all counts." Greed tutted, amused, "Now now, you had to Earn your driving privilege," Lan Fan had not required any such permit stage. "She knew a lot from watching us, I just had to show her some stuff up close. What I'm saying Ling, is that she is /better/ than you.”

If he’d meant it as an insult it didn’t hit as one would. “WELL YEAH, GREED. DUH!” Ling had never said different!

Greed didn’t look like he was done bragging about someone else, “She got the brain shit no time flat!! Figured out how to mentally talk within like, five-- maybe ten minutes of coming to!”

“Fast!” Ling had estimated she’d get it in no time but that had to be some kind of record- that he’d be the only one previously feasible of holding. 

“Which you might not think is tricky but since she was doing that And verbally talking it's much more of a skill,” Greed outlined. 

“Mm yeah it took me a while to get it, considering you didn’t let me out to talk verbally for some time,” Ling groused, playing with the edge of a fraying sleeve. 

“Only thing that took her any time was pooling resources.”

“Well you know she likes her privacy."

“Wouldn't even take anything I had to offer so I pulled a you.”

“Open book policy?” Ling asked.

Greed nodded. 

“Brave of you!”

“YES! SEE! YOU GET IT! Course she didn't have the experience to really deep dive so it's not a Huge risk on my end but still a risk! Exposing vulnerability to make some progress, it's somethin'!” Greed boasted. 

“I’d clap but I'm holding on so I’m gonna verbally tell you I'm clapping." Ling really was proud. "You also made things... easy for her...” he led off, with disdain. 

“We had to go get your dumb kidnapped ass! So what? Am I gonna be a pain about it? Would you rather I make her life hard, Ling?”

“No!”

Something interesting occurred to Greed on the topic of going to go get Ling. How much time had they had left to work with? Just for him to know. “Hey. How much closer could we have cut it? Give me a number,” Greed asked. Of course hauling across the country had been worth it but had they needed to go that fast? Walking their path back now really brought out the scale. 

Ling deliberated for a couple of seconds, really thinking about it, “I had about five hours left, I think--”

“Looking at you in that room I'm guessing you'd had five more hours. Tops.” Greed mused out loud.

Answering at the exact same time, they both stared at each other in surprise at the similar set of mental maths. Not even connected and they still had it! Lan Fan was not surprised at all. It was what she’d come to understand. 

Ling was pretty certain about the timing, it really came down to a few probabilities and how they played out. “Depending on when the big one you two... when did you guys get to him, in the tunnels? The one with the ugly face tattoo? Who gets an ugly tattoo on their face? He was gonna stab me some time soon and depending on how angry and how accurate he was dictated my chances at survival.”

Greed snickered, typical Ling all right. They had indeed ‘got to‘ that guy, and now he didn’t have to worry about anyone calling the tattoo on his face ugly again. The obvious answer to how they had ‘got’ to the guy was that he wouldn’t have to worry about much of anything ever again but also one’s face needed to be recognizable as a face for someone to call the tattoo on it ugly. 

Ling was playing with that sleeve again, fraying it into bits and then tearing the bits off to toss behind the group as they plodded along. “They uh, also worked me pretty good in the usual style.” He tore more lint and thread off. “You saw ‘cause you changed my bandages but when you, um, when we’re, well-- we’re /together/ but you know what I mean. There's a lot of stuff that don’t show easy…” 

Silence rang out with the exception of their rhythmic footfalls, Ling didn’t even hear breathing. 

Greed had to have heard him. Right? “Greed, something up?”

“Nothing," he said with finality. Ling was reminded of many ‘nothings’ that he’d said that maybe weren’t nothing. Greed definitely picked up on Ling’s doubts. “I just told Lan Fan we shoulda kicked their teeth in a bit more on the way out. It’s Fine."

Ling absorbed Greed's lack of large reaction, wondering if it was okay to go on. He /had/ told him some things already, how it'd been. They'd tortured him a couple ways, he’d picked up some burns, all that stuff. Ling did work something else out, though, while Greed's eyes narrowed in thought. He should really give Greed some advance warning for things later. It wouldn't be nice of him to just drop everything on him the second he got access to it, but he doubted he could keep it under wraps at such a proximity. Dropping it in his lap was impolite. "How down are you with knowing how being waterboarded feels?" he asked after another lull. 

Or should he have waited?

" ...You're quiet again…?"

It was juuust cold enough that Ling could mistake the slight shaking he felt under him for that but he assumed that was not the reason.

On Greed's end he thought he was doing a real admirable job holding his response of emotion away from Lan Fan's little relaxation bubble but he figured she would find out soon enough. She'd been letting them chat in exchange for not getting bothered. He didn't want to bother her now but with the news he had there was no way to spin it to not bother her. He had a feeling that it'd be quite the contest on who was more bothered by this news. It being such a bother and all. H---a!

They were quiet! Lan Fan was always quiet but it was a thing that didn't happen too often with Greed. Ling didn't have to spill everything to the homunculus right now, or to her. His captors had done some things with bamboo that hadn't been enjoyable… he told them that too just because it was on his mind. Lan Fan would know how that worked and she could explain it to Greed, she was presumably listening in. He almost wondered if she would've noticed more objects of interest in that room than he had or less. Those two had been preoccupied? 

Ling had a lot of dirt under his nails. He was pretty filthy in general actually so it probably was obfuscating a lot. Like... how many nails he had left. The big centerpiece wound had captured Greed's (and therefore Lan Fan’s) attention. Of course it would. Ling was aware how having Greed with you could change how you focused on things.

No matter how creative the band was there was something to be said for the pure chance of the destructive qualities of an explosion. In further fairness the wound was also an easy target since most of the heavy cuts were already made. They hadn’t needed to delve deep to get exploratory. A lot of damage was localized there.

Ling pulled up the sleeve he'd been messing with to show a patch of bare arm that had some pock marks. "Hey so cigarettes are a nasty habit for a lot of reasons- Smoking in a cave? Really? Also uh-"

Greed had noticed those scabs but in the dark he'd thought they were bruises from explosion shrapnel. There were enough of those.

Dropping his sleeve Ling 'tsked', "I am not an ashtray, okay! Sorry, I am just complaining because I can now. It was rude! You can put them out on the GROUND! Or the WALLS. It's a CAVE, not a hotel! Just stamp it!" The air had barely circulated down there as it was and then he'd had to deal with the cheap smoke smell on top of it. He'd supposed after a day or so of his act playing out the guards that were dumb and antsy wanted to see if he was fucking around. As the watch on him loosened so did their ability to hold back. It had started innocently enough with nose flicking but evidently that got boring fast, unfortunately.

Ling was wholeheartedly glad they didn't start cutting his hair. It was still untouched, split ends and dryness were the only things that marred it. They thought him pathetic with it matted with blood and out of the ponytail it looked raggedy enough they didn't think it a source of pride worth dealing with. Quite the opposite! Great for him! 

"Really was happy about one of them hitting the other and saying I needed both my eyes just in case they wanted to ransom me after all. Not gonna lie, a tense day six!!" Ling was really proud of his play dead skills! Didn't even twitch his eyes when they'd held one open to the view of the business end of a pocket knife hovering directly over it.

"Greed, you'd be pleased and- you cold or something now?" Ling thought he heard the chatter of teeth but it could have been Lan Fan's automail.

Greed answered Ling through an extremely tight jawline, "No." The single word delivered directly through his teeth made them squeak with the force of it.

Ling barreled on, that was right, "The teeth! They had an idea about that too but lucky my breath stunk! Ha! Did you notice they're still kinda sharp?" pulling up a lip he showed that off. "One guy wanted to make a necklace, he was a real freak…" Ling blew a puff of air in a snort laugh, incredulous. "—And... huh, yeah, you guys are kinda radiating heat right now. You don't have a fever do you?" Ling wasn't sure what it had been but back when he'd been first 'assimilated' or whatever the hell he seemed to take notice to the environment around him more. Maybe it was through Greed coming to terms with his almost humanity? Whatever it had been, Ling remembered taking a chill when he shouldn't have and being glad for Greed's insistence to keep the dumb coat. Then of course later when he was 'just getting sick' over and over again when he thought himself alone he had not realized there was anything special about the symptoms. Ling had long made his peace on being dense when it came to those obvious signs.

Though he left an opening for an answer Greed didn't supply one. He must have thought the question silly. 

Ling rubbed his mouth. "They didn't come out unscathed sadly...one or two are a little unseated." They'd hit him some, near the end, when he wouldn't talk how they wanted. "I know you don't like fixing teeth so we'll just chew with the left side! It's what I've been doing so far and it works out /great/!" Cookies hadn't been a great first meal for that but the soup that followed next day was perfect.

Greed liked his red meat but... "Mmmaybe no steak for a bit? Softer foods taste better anyways. I want, like, twenty pastries when we get back just to start! I'll eat enough sugar to rot the right side that way it'll be balanced!" He laughed brightly. 

"Ha," Greed said.

"Also I'm glad you pinched my non dominant hand because--" A flush of heat bloomed from the back under him, like he'd taken the horses for a run in the winter and steam floated off their flanks. "Sorry are you messing around with Lan Fan's metabolism so I have a heat rock situation? It does feel good but you don't have to! We can just find a sunny rock to sit on later, I'll be good until then! You like those! I remember!" Ling was warm! "I still got that cloak you 'bought' so I'm feelin fine." That was mostly the truth, he was at least feeling tons better than a few days ago.

"So with the hand, all I'm saying is— it is a good thing I'm ambidextrous! Told 'ya it was a useful skill!" Greed had been jealous of it. Ling favored his left when writing in habit but had trained himself with either for most things. The old way he'd learned came in 'handy' if Greed wanted to add anything as Ling was writing it. He favored their right.

There were a few other things, they were carrying him and would probably insist on it once they knew but it wasn't like they hadn't been insisting on it all the time. "Like with walking too, right? They were sure I wouldn't be able to get up, so well I'm gonna say there was a mallet that made an appearance but it got held back on a maybe. Just in case they needed to move me later. You know me, lotta lucky breaks!" The pun hadn't been intentional. "Half the time I think they were just posturing to get a scare. The other half…" he smiled wistfully to dead air.

Ling was really apologetic now that he was listing it all out. Greed had called it a mess he had to pick up and he had been right with his assessment. "You don't have to make sure the toes heal straight, I really don't care. No one sees those anyhow. Very low on my list. Sorry for the list but I'm trying to be more organized." He needed to stop using Greed as an internal reminder for things, too. Greed liked walking unfettered so he'd fix the stuff even if Ling didn't want him to but Ling could at least stop using him as a day planner.

Ling looked up from his thoughts to Greed staring at him over his shoulder.

"WHY DID YOU INSIST ON WALKING EARLIER?!"

It hadn't been terrible! He'd had a lot of distractions! "Hey so, shock?"

"AFTER TWELVE HOURS?? Shock is a short-term thing, isn't it? Like it wears off??"

"Did now!" His pain tolerances were always messy.

"How are you still in shock after two weeks your heart should've just STOPPED if that was true-?"

Greed said he wasn't a doctor and Ling sure as hell wasn't, "I dunno! I'm just counting my small blessings. They didn't starve me out- being asleep had pluses. Not that a bag of water with nutrients I need to live was .. food but you know-," he stopped briefly, "see if they were really smart they'd have known trying to get me to talk with the offer of food was much more fruitful than the mallet!"

The food thing too, he hadn't been all on liquids! "Oh! Uh- also! may have been fed some rocks. Not huge ones! pretty sure I ate worse when I was a kid, I'm not too worried- I think they were doing something with base elements, I wasn't paying much attention to the alchemy parts. They weren’t even close to anything right. I'm forgetting some things I think..."

They had been maybe trying to get them to react with the stone he didn't have? 

"Could you transmute the rocks into carbon? Can we try it!? Glad when they broke a bottle they only stuck some into my armpit. Picked most of it out when you were downstairs with Lan Fan and I didnt know you were there- Or I would have said. You're probably an old hat at healing that kind of injury, am I right, hahaha?" The stories Greed had told him about the amount of times he'd had bottles shattered on a part of his body numbered in the dozens already and Ling felt he'd not even exhausted the supply.

"So...once you're back I'm sure you'll find some other stuff I forgot about, I'll probably remember more by then." He carefully fixed a section of scarf that was still damp where he'd been crying into it not long before so it'd dry faster.

"...Can you…ah... no pressure- it's really fine if you can't- do that check up thing with me like you did with Lan Fan? Just, um... can you make sure to be back sooner or not go so small?" It was a bigger request but Ling wasn't sure how that newer function worked. When he'd gotten an injury previously Greed was there for it or would find out quickly upon awakening. 

"I'd rather have someone to talk to than like, one slightly more healed toe." He'd /so/ missed talking. "If you gotta wait a bit to get started without knocking yourself out, that's okay!"

To get into knocking out...Greed had already had words about Ling's sleeping habits before this. Or the lack of them. "Sorry in advance for the insomnia as well 'cause... I think that'll be back with a force."

Ling was saying a lot of things and Greed and Lan Fan were hearing a lot of things but it was the focusing on one thing over the other that was hard. Lan Fan couldn't help but listen in over the crackle of fire. Her mental beach and ocean were slick with oil and ablaze. 

Greed had given her, all told, perhaps an extra minute before things had boiled over beyond his control. She'd be more angry at having to get out of the swimsuit she was too chickenshit to wear not in her brain but the thing- about ALL CONSUMING RAGE? It was a good distraction. The scenery was a legitimate hellscape but her mental representation didn't look out of place in it at all. Mainly for the expression it held.

Ling was still horribly, /horribly/ speaking, "Funny story, Greed, you were talking about asphyxia earlier—"

If she'd noticed, Lan Fan would be glad the slightly sharper teeth seemed to be stronger too because that would have cracked a molar.

\---

Greed maintained the bullet point that if anything ever happened to Mei he'd lay waste to the countryside. That was known and understood. But, currently, he was interestingly feeling like possibly laying waste to a /lot/ of things right now. Location wise- in a blast zone about ten feet from Ling's body outwards in a crater. If he kept clenching his teeth as hard as he'd been doing he might be able to compress into some sort of ultra-dense pinprick of self-contained, for lack of a better term, wrath.

Lan Fan noted that the birds that had been going about their business in the area of their earshot had stopped. Their new eye color really didn't change how the eyes worked but everything sure was tinted a certain shade at the moment. She was very detail orientated, especially when she was so utterly possessed with tunnel vision from rancor that mostly what she could hear was the birds had ceased and also a loud keening.

Greed had originally commented on how the inside of her head sounded like a kettle whistle and she could sort of understand that now. It was more like a furnace in a blacksmithing shop but Lan Fan got the idea. Slightly different pitches.

She had seen when swords got pulled out of those fires so white hot you had to wear tinted glass over your eyes. She liked to see how weapons were made. She sort of felt like she might be one of those weapons. It would explain the blindness and excessive heat.

Steel's melting point was some two thousand degrees, carbon's was three so she thought that was why Greed was still able to form words. Though he hadn't been saying much of anything for the last while.

Another thing that she was glad for was that their left arm was busy carrying Ling. She had a feeling if it were free it would've broken under the force of their clenched fist. Perennially she had trouble with modifying pressure but at the moment her touch was feather light. 

The way they still were walking in a straight line was admirable, as well. Though how they carried Ling had changed somewhat. Angling their back in the way they were doing meant Ling had less weight to support himself.

It was good news that the path was straight because neither of them was really paying the closest attention to where they were going.

Shakily, they're not really sure who- doesn't matter really--one of them --handed Ling a cookie which he crowed over, nibbling on it delightedly.

All these actions were done with a howling silence between them, words probably not coming in to play for quite some time in the future on their end. The cookie had a dual purpose; both a small comfort for Ling that they could immediately provide but also maybe briefly stopping him from talking about horrible things. 

If only they were that lucky. Ling's flood gates were open now and he prattled through the treat about how 'did they know dry boarding is a thing you can do too, he didn’t know!' among chews. 

Ling didn't know why he'd been so reluctant to spill. Talking helped and it was good to take inventory! They both were good to talk to! He would've briefed Lan Fan eventually and Greed would've known regardless. The timing now seemed as good as any. He'd made some overtures of course so it wasn't coming from nothing. Lan Fan didn’t know why she’d been hiding Greed and conversely Ling wasn’t quite sure why he hid this!

He always forgot Greed was good for talking to when he wasn't bullying him. (Him bullying Greed, Greed bullying him. Equitable.) Strange that Greed still was not talking as much but maybe he was being polite after making him cry earlier. Ling had already forgiven that, he'd taken the first strike so Greed was within rights to try and take revenge. Ling was honestly shocked he'd managed to get him that good. 

Even when Greed was busy he always lent Ling half an ear. Maybe Ling's social expectations were painfully low despite his lofty status because it was a sight better than the 'uh huh' that most people did. Even as emperor he was constantly surprised how much people heard but didn't listen.

He could tell Greed listened, even when it was just that nasally 'mm' hum there was no mistaking the genuinity behind it. It helped of course that he could just feel the attention on him given the shared headspace. The acknowledgement of a hum was secondary but it was like hand gesturing when you were on the phone- you ended up doing it anyway.

Even now though, through the quiet, Ling was sure Greed or Lan Fan were probably still keeping tabs. They were nice like that.

Meanwhile, they, some part of them- /was/ listening but a main part- a very very large and powerful part of Greed and Lan Fan were having an intense non-verbal discussion about the merits of leaving Ling somewhere safe, going back to that mountain, and literally skinning alive anyone else they could find there.

Another large portion of their total attention was FULL BORE on Ling and the horrible things he was electing to say but they would share glances. Raw feeling, really. They could see eachother out of their peripheral, and with the confidence of their arrangement they knew they were on the same page. Same paragraph. Same sentence, actually.

Lan Fan had put her sunglasses Down at bamboo. She had much more context for that one than Greed did. He got the gist, being where he was with the access to information he had, but- 

\---

So one of them, eventually, it still being hard to tell who- managed to choke out Ling's name. That of course being a word they both knew.

"Yes?" he pipped.

"Information?" Another good word that they knew, too!

"You mean about those guys? Tons yeah, loose lips around a coma victim. Especially after a cigar and the sole of my foot. No matter, that's not important- got a bushel of odds and ends!" he informed them conspiratorially.

That part Ling deemed unimportant was very important, actually! So important that they could recall it better than their own name. Names. Name.

"Made sure to go over them and get them tidy for later 'cause I thought Greed might like to know. I'll pass them over when we got that connection again."

Greed? Would like that. Yes.

"I could recant names and stuff with my mouth but it's a lot and kinda messy still. Some stuff was harder won than other things, you know?"

They were coming to understand! "Mountain?"

"I think we got pretty much everyone at the mountain, the ones that got out wouldn't go back there. They probably scattered back to where they originally came from- there was payroll stuff, I got a lot of leads about the whereabouts of where the 'originally' could be. It was a big collaborative project, apparently. As if kidnapping the emperor alive in the heart of his home isn't, you know what I mean?"

Did.

"Kinda rag tag as it fell apart after a few weeks but you know how group projects are. Cleaning up is gonna be a bit of a road trip, but I think if we time it with the annual tour of the surrounding areas that I just came up with right now it should work out well! If you'd like to join me?" Ling laughed blackly. 

Would. Very much.

"The whole thing might take a while but you know how stubborn I can be." Ling’s mouth turned upward in what passed for a smile but it was rather hungry looking. He'd been stuck in a funk mainly with getting home but it was really nice to have a longer timetable with many, /many/, future goals.

The stubbornness was a boon and a problem, "Me sticking to what I decided to do was the reason they had to get creative, haha. You always tease me about my creativity, Greed, but there's being too creative, I found." Ling was laughing but it was heavy with unsaid feelings on his captors and their stylistic choices.

See, Greed was of two minds right now and not just because Lan Fan was there. On one hand he wanted to simply bite her hand and shove it into any open wound of Ling's damning the consequences and Lan Fan half supported him on that. But, while she lent her support she was clutching at him so hard that if it wasn't a mental hold he'd have been pulped but he half supported /that/. Greed had proven he could move the stone around on his own so maybe it would work fine-- but there was also the thought that if they fucked this up they would be in a much worse situation.

They were at an impasse. A standoff of anger and impulse.

Ling was sunny on their back, oblivious to most of what was just beneath the surface. His head was still a little funny or he most likely would've picked up on the absolute Miasma of anger he was sitting on top of. It was like living on an active volcano- you tended to forget! People did it all the time. There were islands in east Xing...

It helped that it was not directed his way in any shape or form. Right now he was just chatting, catching up! He didn't have much else to share, comas weren’t all that interesting. Given it had been less than a day since Greed went non-verbal breakdown trying to fight off those last two guys, Ling should have some idea of what he was getting into, but there was no threat around so why would he get mad like that?

A lot of the work Greed and Lan Fan had spent so much time hashing out was blasted right out the window. Telling Ling 'no' was very far away in the rearview.

Breakfast at three in the morning? Sure! Ling could ask for anything on earth right now and get it without question! It was good for them that he was oblivious. Ling wasn't asking for help just yet, using vague future tenses for what he eventually wanted. They had intense interest in giving him whatever he wanted as that was what they also wanted most! /Very/ reciprocal. 

He already had Greed as close as feasible. And Lan Fan was here! Yay! He had a cookie, even! Everything was coming up Ling! His pride had made him walk as well as making sure Lan Fan was okay, she was injured. Greed had said shut up in the way that was comforting so Greed could carry him. Ling knew he was taking care of Lan Fan, too.

It was good! They were covering ground! And the weather was-

Um…

-

"Greed? Do mountains sometimes have big walls of black clouds? Like- coming over the mountain really fast- right?" Ling was not a country boy. He pointed behind him. "Are clouds that look like big anvils fortuitous? I got a better cloud than a cube! Look at that one!"

It was… difficult to make any move outside of teeth clenching and walking but they could creak their head to the side enough to see that monster coming in. Ling asked for something so they could force their neck to bend. Even in their state they realized that the impending line of blackness was gonna be real annoying in not a lot of time.

Though, Lan Fan and him were still in a conceptual area so it was more like:

Cloud? Open area- weather? No trees. Big weather. Soon? Soon. Yes.

All pictures and ideas. 

The idea of water finding its way into the newly counted array of blemishes on their ward was not a good one as well. The combination of an open area with a metal arm- possible lightning… it was an afterthought. Ling being on their back, they cared a bit more. They didn't need to fry the ground beef if it could be avoided.

Greed took the initiative to shove the 'pot' of what was basically the lava and poison of their state of discontent on the back burner. There was a possibly very fast storm to think about. Though they were also, uh, barely upright in rage. 

Shelve it. Shelve it. Shelve it. Later. /Later./

Greed had taken initiative but they both were trying to talk eachother off the pitchforks. Lan Fan did not have much experience distancing a sickening crunch of anger that wasn't all hers. Ling was very quietly angry usually, and they knew he was very good at keeping a face until he didn't need to anymore. Especially now—

Greed had to talk him down off a few things, sure, but usually it was Ling having to do that for him.

Greed was doing… he was...Well, he was mostly in control to start when Ling had started talking so he would continue to be there for now. He made the easy choice to stay where he was while asking Lan Fan if she was alright where she was for now. But, because they were so Gone it came out as;

uh? 

_un._

Great. He stuffed what Ling said to him in the Later pile and turned his outward attention to Ling again.

They must have been really holding on to that lungful of air because Ling swore it came out hot enough that he could see a bit of steam despite the humidity rising by the second.

Okay. 

"Brat? Shelter?" Old nicknames could be so grounding. It must have been to Ling too because he smiled at Greed with one Greed had seen hundreds of times before which made that Later pile need to be shoved into a lockbox on top of the shelf he had put it on before it could swamp him again.

“Yeah! Good idea. I think it's gonna rain. You guys okay? You got kinda quiet?”

Greed was lost for an explanation but Lan Fan broached his hold to toss in, "Rain makes my joint hurt." Which... was a statement. Yes, but not very true given Greed's involvement recently. His aim with her wasnt to train her up as a ‘lie for him’ machine but he just nodded at the assist and began to figure out what he was gonna do because those clouds were becoming less on the horizon by the second.

Trees were out, not in a lightning storm that, given his sense of taste being pretty good, he could start perceiving that ozone-y smack that said there was gonna be lightning. Looking around, there sat a cliffside about a mile to the southwest by his reckoning. Promising. 

"Bet I can get to that cliff in four minutes," Greed challenged. That opener was pretty deft he surmised because it put the ball smartly in Ling's court to refuse him on account of injury. Rather than him make assumptions or ask outright.

"Bet you can't."

So he must be feeling okay. That was good.

"So can."

"You'll trip over poor Lan Fan's feet."

"Four minutes with a fat lard on my back that only knows how to eat cookies and lie."

"What are you waiting for?" Ling taunted.

No more encouragement was needed. Greed took off like a bat out of hell and not a minute too soon because the first clap of thunder almost was like a gunshot at the start of a race. Despite the fact Ling had his head up and back enjoying the breeze and small drops of the leading edge of rain, making himself a huge inconvenient air foil for them, Greed kept time and three minutes and fifty three seconds later his palm slapped that cliff. He probably could have shaved a few seconds off but there was comfort over speed to consider. No matter, he did it and now he and Lan Fan needed to look at their cliff options— ah… someeee thiiing…. THERE, up a couple of body lengths. Was that an opening or just a shadow? 

Lan Fan had used the eyes longer, what did she think?

There was an opening, and it looked pretty deep from what he could tell from the ground. Greed was glad he made it before the rain made the wall slick but with their metal arm and… it took an effort, but- some claw tips, it would be easy. He told Ling they would need to climb with a distracted mutter. Ling held on tighter, obligingly. Lan Fan had done her fair share of rock climbing without stifling things like a harness or a helmet in her tenure.  You crazy ass. 

It was still hard for her to be present enough to reply but she did pull off a shrug. Her rock climbing was usually on buildings.

Fair. 

As Greed held it up against examples, her eyesight was a little different than Ling's or even his. Ling wasn't colorblind or nothing but he probably fell into the healthy middle bell curve. They had similar eyesight levels but her definition was more stark. Something with catching movement better too.

The cliff loomed high above the ground and their opening. If they both looked more they would have seen quite a few areas, maybe not as deep as their cave, but clear survey slices to try and see if there was a vein. The deeper one was probably used as a place out of the weather to rest in between climbing on the cliff with a chisel when those quick mountain storms rolled in.

By the time they got up they were breathing somewhat heavily since they'd done a dead sprint and climbed a sheer wall without pause. Still easy though, or not hard. Doing something to make sure Ling was comfortable wouldn't be hard for a long time. It was also helpful in that pushing yourself to extreme limits could help calm mental activity, which was useful when their current mental activity was burning the fuses they needed to keep for cognizant speech.

The cave was nothing special, it was hardly even a cave and more a deeper indent in the stone - given the mines in the region it was possible this was an older attempt to follow a vein that dried up before the miners got too far, leaving just an old room in the wall with what Greed would bet were some very rotten wooden ladders or the beginnings of stairs in the soil at the base of the cliff. Thankfully it was tall enough to stand in, or at least it was for them. Ling's head might have grazed the top of the tunnel but there was a mutual understanding that he was to /not stand/ at any point for any length of time until they get back to the palace- can't fucking BELIEVE he was just WALKING AROUND LIKE THAT-

They managed to set Ling down before they started up on that train of thought again, tossing the anger back into the lockbox which rattled ominously but held for the moment.

If Ling noticed that this was the softest he had been put down since they've met up he didn’t comment on it, choosing instead to peer down the cavern and then turning to face the opening of the cave, which now had a fine sheet of rain falling in front of it that was quickly getting harder. The bang and rumble of thunder directly overhead made it feel like the whole cavern was shaking. Ling exclaimed appreciatively. (He'd never been a huge fan of thunderstorms but he knew Greed loved watching them so he got fonder over time.) With the echo in the cavern and the now rolling thunder overhead Ling assumed he missed Greed's own exclamation, it'd be odd if he was still not saying much but given all the noise he figured he wouldn't know either way.

Meanwhile Greed and Lan Fan were tearing through their pack yet again and both desperately wishing Mei was somewhere nearby since their own first aid supplies now seemed pathetically limited. The wounds he described wouldn't be cause for immediate life-threatening danger - they'd already addressed the hole in his side - but /damn it/ to Hell there was still a mutual desire to make up for the injuries caused by their own lost time.

What was there to give? More pain medicine? Burn ointment? They would kill (actually kill) for just—a pillow— something comfortable at least. Why didn't they try to take something from the inn or from a house they passed? Anything. The bag wasn't that big but they could have—

There was the painful knowledge getting passed back and forth that there was /Not A Lot they could Do/ presently. It started to replace the boiling anger with a slowly crawling sickening guilt that this could have been Avoided if they both were more careful/observant/responsive/vigilant/intuitive. 

At least he was a stone for most of it, what could he have done? She had her faculties! 

And nowhere to look and no leads, Greed railed directly back at Lan Fan's thoughts. /He’d/ been the one to fuck it up in the first place.

The hissing rain did nothing to improve their dour mood but at least it was loud enough that if they bit Lan Fan's scarf and screamed into it in aggravation Ling probably wouldn't hear. It was something that was unnecessary given the open mindspace they had but getting a good real actual angry yell in was enticing enough to keep as an option for later.

Those two were looking at Ling a whole lot and considering he was not stupid-- (oh no, wait, he kinda was with this type of thing), he put together Greed didnt drop him like a sack of potatos. It was cause for some thought on the matter.

There was some wood near the back of the cup of the main room of the cave they sheltered in; there were actually a few divots in the walls that looked exploratory which held the wood, garbage, and what looked like animal bones. It was likely that this cave was used as a bolt hole some time ago as evidenced by the shitty garbage heap and the accessible position. It was centered high enough from predators and how the ceiling was carved meant the smoke would go up and out. There wasn’t much left of the place besides those small signs of human habitation and that the walls were deeply soot stained, showing the repeated use. Or at least the age.

Soot. Fire.

A fire would be good.

They could do that.

Greed and her got up with a grunt/ask of the word, for Ling's benefit. They tried to walk the three steps to the mouth to check which way the wind was blowing so they could make the fire correctly but Ling's new grip on their pant leg didn't let them. 

It was gloomy, Ling hadn't seen the wood the other two had, stacked and dry near the back. He thought that in getting up they were going to go /out/ to go get firewood, before it got too wet out there.

He grinned up at them from the half bow half lunge that he had made from his seated position, "Haaa- um, please, if it's possible, don't leave me in the um, cave. Alone? I'm warm! This cloak even smells good, you take it right off the laundry line?" he chuckled to round off his request which had initially come out that weird calm/frantic you get when you're in the midst of staring at a possible animal attack.

The lock box warped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise it doesn't go into specifically great explination or anything but in this chapter Ling actually speaks about what went on in that mountain for the time he was awake. Brief mentions of 'standard' (awful that it's standard) acts of torture but I glance around grisly detail. 
> 
> Anyway! On that uh... bright... note I wanna thank you all for 2.5k hits on this mess! I really really thought that this would appeal to me, my beta, and one person cheering in the stands. Let it be known that my beta and I snicker like schoolchildren every week updating this, and the support from 'viewers like you' along with the fact we're having a blast keep me coming back without fail!


	24. Break it up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Whoooops didn't expect that cliffhanger to hang quite so long, my deepest apologies. The holiday season gets away from me! As an apology have an update, and my watery assurances that I'll probably keep to a schedule from here on out. Unless possibly not. Hard to say. Nevertheless, thank you all as always for your support on what is, at the end of the day, phenomenally self indulgent mess.

Greed had been busy hitting many of Lan Fan's thoughts down with a badminton racket of 'no', 'also My fault', 'couldn't have guessed' and 'sorrysorrysorrysorry'. But the moment Ling grabbed them and said what he said it tipped him back over into a state where words were not enough.

Greed bit her lip hard enough to draw blood. It was an accident. Rude of him. Sorry.

Lan Fan dabbed at it automatically with her gross scarf. Everything was so loud to her mentally but really the only audible noise was the quiet patter of rain, her freezing when Ling grabbed them, and Greed's slight inhale as their teeth clacked sharply together.

Greed was the one who ended up taking advantage of their idea in the end, with a twist. Going in the 'back' of their mind for the outward illusion of silence to do his fair share of screaming at the top of his lungs. She was not sure what he could be breaking back there but it sounded like glass. She wondered if stones could generate heat because she also felt the echo of a burn. Lifting her scarf she rubbed her chest near the base of her neck, absently.

Of course gestures of endearment were always going to be weird when you shared a body.

\---

That was the thing about being tortured, Ling knew torture was how it was because people used it as a tool, a means to an end. The interested parties wanted the person being tortured alive, and, relatively speaking, unharmed throughout. Even better, Ling had his status and his odd condition on arrival to thank for their confused handling. As he said, while he was 'worked' evenly, besides his original injuries and some more slipshod additions by someone inexperienced later on he was... okay. The lion's share with what ailed him had occurred all at once. He was almost stable after just a few square meals! That wasn’t new. Glass cannon he may be but his recovery time was always fast, even before Greed’s meddling. Enough time had passed to not worry about keeling over at some jostling. 

Just...- those two can't leave. 

He would probably be more okay when Greed was back because it was difficult for him to leave normally. Not impossible, as Ling had found out, but at least they had fair warning of it now and could take preventative measures. 

When they were still at the inn and Ling had sojourned down those stairs to check on Lan Fan it was for more food, not because he wanted to make sure they didn't leave.

So…to prevent something like that from happening again he'd formally request that they do not. The inn had scared him enough. Just in case. Please?

\---

They hardly even needed a fire, the cave was getting tolerably warm regardless of its lack of presence.

The two did manage to set up a basic log cabin arrangement in between Ling and the lip of the cave mouth. Somehow they even did so without moving more than three feet away from Ling at any given time. He didn't seem to notice the effort of their proximity since as long as they did not go outside the cave he didn't mind.

Getting that set up let them occupy their hands if not their mind. They had essentially not ‘spoken’ much, even to each other, since they got here. With a lack of things to do they agreed (hard to agree when they were nearly not able to separate their thoughts and whom they had come from) to sit about as physically close to Ling as they could without banging him up even more. (With their shit track record lately they'd pat him on the shoulder and his arm would fall off or something.) Until they could figure out alternative first aid they at the very least had physical contact to offer.

Which... seemed to be all Ling was really after for the time being since he smiled at their choice and started chatting inanely about something else. Thankfully -not- the other 'creative experiments' his captors went after that were hard to define as torture or medical curiosity. Though, unbeknownst to him, both Lan Fan and Greed could now see the state of his nails when he gestured.

Lan Fan considered taking her turn in the back to scream and break things.

Greed left some bottles for her when she was ready. It was about the visualization.

What could they do with a fire? Maybe make something hot for Ling? He would be hungry. They were not. Food was a distant memory and the thought of that cookie they ate in front of him to taunt him sat in their stomach like a stone. The real kind, not the weird liquid kind burning a hole in their collarbone.

They had managed to buy out that inn for breakfast and had actually thought to take some odds and ends with them in one of the flasks so they set about heating that up without too much issue. Sprinkle in some of the jerky and break up one of the rice balls, carefully hidden from Ling when all they were concerned about was having a snack later and while it might not taste like palace food at least it was somewhat hearty. The most haphazard congee ever.

It would be good enough for them if they cared to eat anything ever again so it was good enough for Ling. From how he looked over at the cooking food he was obviously just happy to have something hot- taste be damned. Ratios wise- hot meals these last two weeks for him were low enough that any appearance was cause for celebration.

Lan Fan was thinking hard again. 

No use crying over eaten cookies, she had needed it too. Greed would smack her upside the head if he wasn't working on not burning rice gruel cooked in a metal camp mug over a fire they stoked a mite high. That taunt had been His Fault and he was all twisted up over it, thank you.

Greed was thinking too as he stirred, he would like to go start a lot more fires very soon. Yeah. Arson was kinda cowardly but he liked the idea of painting with reds and golds. A classic way of laying waste to the countryside. Why change what worked? 

They moved very deliberately. It was with a dual purpose as they were still almost overcome, and secondly, if Ling flinched from them at this juncture (a thought they subconsciously entertained) they would Actually Just Die.

-

Ling watched Greed (it was probably him) cook. Lan Fan wasn't that great at that particular skill so Ling surmised she most likely gave up her pride for better foodstuffs. Ling was unsure why they were moving so cautiously around the cave, it wasn't like they were in danger of bumping their head. He was tempted to bring the height thing up just to get a laugh for himself but something in Greed's expression as he poked a log with a toe to settle it made him drop it. It /would/ be funny even if Greed chose violence over verbal debasement. From Ling's perspective they needn't have worried about him regarding them with anything but total confidence. Lan Fan, Greed, or-- haha, Langree-? Could come at him with claws out and he wouldn't care! (They had already done so actually, during their psychotic episode!) 

Greed found it funny that he went fully nuts because Lan Fan called for him with fear and a threat to her life but with Ling it was, he could almost laugh, so damn /much/ he'd just shorted out. It was a very different kind of response when there were things to physically attack nearby versus being relatively alone. The latter outbursts tended to warp inwards rather than out. Also, the scales being balanced this time on who was ready to have a total break from reality was 'helping'. The whole thing being very neck and neck. It was easier to judge someone else for not holding it together than yourself. If the hypocrisy balanced out evenly it meant things were technically 'manageable'. He could cook and hold tools. There was the ability to reason. Two equal forces made it seem calm.

Ling probably thought, by the way he chatted and tried to rope them into dead on arrival conversation, that they were just being stony because they had to stop due to rain. In reality it was a very /Very/ precarious facade. It was good Greed was there holding Lan Fan in place and vice versa. If any part of the fragile arrangement they had cracked it might explode so they moved with the grace of a bomb diffusion team.

If he was with Ling, Greed was pretty sure he'd burn through everything he had left going back there. He also didn't think he coulda' held Lan Fan back if he wasn't right where he was.

Lan Fan stayed because she had a pretty damn willing panacea for most of Ling's ailments if she could just get it out of her.

That was an interesting thought exercise for Greed for the moment, to try and beat the rage back. If it was Lan Fan at the mountain and him and Ling going to get her he was not sure which scenario would father a bigger crater in the ground! They managed their fury so differently, it was hard to say.

Given a peek into her mind he knew Lan Fan would be much more of the ‘burn it all down and torture individuals one by one’ type. Ling though, given he had an army, he could go fully scorched earth policy if he so desired. It seemed rather impersonal to Greed but it was /fancy/. Ling had less opportunities for hands-on work but the full weight of the hammer was considerable.

Right now, Greed had to side more with Lan Fan. Personalized payback sounded VERY enticing. They were BOTH great options. He would just put them both in his little shadow box of things that he'd like to accomplish that he was building on the foundations of what Ling had already told him. More information later might change things and it was always good to have multiple fantasies to work with later, when they wanted to enact a plan. 

Ling sniffed the air. The food was almost ready by the growing smell. Had they made it for him too maybe? That was really nice! The cooking had the effect of making the jerky soft. It'd been tough to eat before, though it tasted too good that he wasn’t gonna quit doing it at the time nor if any was currently left. 

What was really nice was their group just doing their normal dumb shit like they always did. Ling Missed it. So much. Even Greed having a protracted 'lunch' to mess with him.

The fucker didn't even eat. 

It was a nice return to normal fuckery and was really what he’d been pining after all this time. Sure the physical pain had been annoying but it was the separation from everyone that really hurt. He'd thought he might not get it again, the simple goofing off, the back and forth. Being home. Even Lan Fan had joined in! Losing all of that had been the real cause for concern. If he knew where they were or had some sign they were coming longer than a day the whole waiting game would have been a walk in the park!

There was the literal separation from Greed to think about as well. Ling had some suspicions he was not supposed to be a singular individual anymore. Like- whining aside, and being a twelve year old girl about the thing- it was like, no shit, missing a part of him?

Lan Fan even confirmed he had more holes than he thought in him! Those had to be filled!

...

Greed would be scream-laughing at that thought.

It was the presence of those chi trails that had distracted Lan Fan from the more physical blemishes during that checkup so they had to be pretty wild. Big and flashy always made the mundane but wrong easier to hide. Ling had wanted them to see and also he'd wanted them to not find out. He didn’t know what he would have done had they had brought something up at the time, it had all been so complicated. 

He was glad Greed didn't get 'your mother jokes' as well as loving double entendre or he'd never know peace (as much as he missed not knowing peace. THERE HAD BEEN TOO MUCH PEACE.)

He was probably gonna get shit about foreign objects in his body as it was. Greed hadn't bothered with that line of jokes too much yet but Ling assumed being removed and reinserted would open that category of bawdy mess to him. He could be so fucking annoying, but it wasn't like Ling wasn't honestly looking forward to it.

Getting blue was low comedy but Ling felt he deserved a fucking line like; 'hey, are you a graveyard 'cause I would die to get inside of you' and maybe he wouldn't try and kill Greed for saying it. 

Much.

He was glad Greed didn’t hit him with 'look who came crawling back' for not being able to walk yet. It seemed like low hanging fruit, Greed loved low hanging fruit. Only from Greed would Ling take this treatment.

...It was high time to get the ball rolling on this, if Ling struck first he could win. It was only a matter of time before Greed did. Win that is. Lan Fan would probably ask what was up for winning or losing but they knew better. No more quiet!

-

"Hey. Hey, Greed- How many magistrates does it take to screw in a light bulb?" Ling asked, starting at almost a whisper but topping out at his normal volume. Some kind of tension bubble broiled oddly as he looked expectantly but he was too busy waiting for the response. With that premium bait there would be one. Unless Greed was deciding to 'go away forever' again. Ling mmmmmight still be a little miffed about that.

The wind wailed outside.

Huh, no answer, maybe the joke was too good? "One and they never get it done cause they hold it in the slot and think the world revolves around them!"

...

It was so /hard/ to navigate trying to laugh, to supply a needed positive response, when that was Not the emotional state you (yous?) were in and was in /fact/ so far flung from your current state of mind it was almost alien. But-

...

-They managed a sort of choking cough and since the smoke from the fire ended up blowing towards them that second it seemed to have been a passable response by how Ling's mouth curved upward.

…

They could try. Ling, that bastard, was forcing their hand. 

"He..y Ling." Greed said, and it was Greed singular- not Greed with Lan Fan stuck so fast he'd almost take Ed's dumb name.

Ling leaned forward, "Yeah?!" 

"Why is...an undying spirit of the sin of avarice such a good emperor?" Greed asked slowly, tone becoming more confident as his question put itself together. 

"Hmmmm, because he's grabby and can take credit for other people's hard work as his own?" Ling stuck the tip of his tongue out ‘in thought’, goading Greed for the real answer.

"Possession is nine tenths of the law."

As if a proverbial valve turned from a dripping trickle to a steady stream the tension in the room began to bleed out. It would take some time but the boil had been lanced.

Ling winced at the actually good joke, he’d not expected that. Oh that /scoundrel/! It was on now! "So if I owe you and welch on the deal do I get repossessed?" he asked, now he had a volley going! Had a week and a bit to sit on some of these! He hadn’t been only trying to think about nothing, especially near the end when he knew someone was comin'.

"Boo," Greed snapped, teeth winking in the gloom.

"Would've been more proactive but my hands were tied!" Ling snorted.

"Left you hanging, huh?"

"Only on Wednesday." (They'd hung him upside down on Wednesday.) "Blood going to the head is real good for thinkin', really gives you a good perspective change!"

Greed's expression darkened slightly.

None of that! "Greed, why is fucking with you a crime?"

That got him. Ling's question cleared the returning gloom for a more open air of confusion. "Disregarding the obvious answer that it /Is/ a crime?" Greed asked. 

"Uh huh. Though we could argue about the 'fellow man' jazz and how laws work when you're like, for sure a person? But not human! We can do that later, I'll remember." As Ling could recall there were more than a few clauses that mentioned ‘humanity’ as a sticking point. Ah well, no governing body was entirely without loopholes.

Greed pursed his lips, "Pretty sure as emperor, even as an inhuman one, fucking around with me is still a crime, champ."

Ling laid aside ribbing Greed on the fact that he only liked to claim his half of the title when it behooved him. He also had to admit that even though Greed’s answer may have been true it was not the right one! "'Cause destruction of state property is a felony!" Ling's whole face crinkled into joyous ridicule.

"BOLD WORDS." Greed gritted, the rage of hearing something like that come out of Ling’s mouth so very different than what he'd been feeling. Lan Fan was still quiet, but not the quiet of not being able to articulate drowning in what she was feeling and having felt and felt from him and had what she felt reflected back and double and so much worse— Just calmer, content to let the bickering word salad fill the cave faster than the warmth of the fire.

Bold words indeed but he'd not refused them! Ling had another: "Uh huh! Hey so, a kingdom is run by a king, right? And an empire, an emperor, haha that's me. Therefore, Amestris, a country? Run by—?" he led on but stopped to contend with the fact the cave really had three people in it and not two. Who exactly the third was being the main stumbling block. Ling tried to think of another one fast to fill the deflating balloon of his lead but the screeching halt of his previous joke had thrown him off. 

Lan Fan, the third party, finally spoke, trying to put it together herself now that her lord had looked down and Greed wouldn't meet her 'eyes'. Why had they gone silent? "A ...men? No, wait..."

Those dots weren't gonna connect without help. Greed sighed. Ling, you didnt learn that one from him and you fuckin' owe him for this, you fucking barbarian. Odds were Ed had taught him that one so Ling was slightly off the hook. Greed decided Alphonse needed to know what Ed had done in his absence at a sooner than later date. Al would take his mother's will into his own hands on that.

Greed gestured a 'C'mere' mentally, filling Lan Fan in on what particular noun would fit the meter of the joke in a whisper. He didn’t take into account literally nobody could hear their exchange, sometimes things had to be whispered tactfully to young women regardless of who was around feasibly to hear it.

-

Lan Fan slipped into control, picking Ling up very gently to shove him head and shoulders out of the cave mouth, his head inserted directly into the solid sheet of water pouring down. His hair was an affront and she had an idea to fix it before. He had just decided to be a churl before she could ask Greed to get the canteen out. Ling squawked as the freezing cold buckets worth of rain hit him all at once.

Lan Fan was spendthrift. There was water outside, why waste it?

She did not have a comb in the many compartments of her arm but fingers would-  Nope, I brought one. It's in the bag. 

Greed had hair too long for too long to not know to bring a fucking comb. He was a homunculus not an Animal and had already bet cenz to canolis that Lan Fan didn't think to bring one. She had the habit of being very big picture. 

Ling had fought getting shoved out of the hole (not like he could actually put up much of a fight) but when they sat him back down near the fire after getting something from that bag they carried he got what they meant to do. He kneeled dutifully, glad the punishment had just been to get wet for a relatively good reason after his off color jibe.

The nice thing about hair brushing was that it was calming and Ling couldn't see their face every time they found a bump. Greed worked the knots out of Ling's tangle, idly thinking about how it was way easier to get the neck from the new angle of sitting behind Ling.

Hands occupied with Ling, Greed’s mind prodded at the other he had access to. Lan Fan hadn't experienced much in the way of styling her own or caring for hair in general. Ling had been forcing highly priced oils at her, which she reluctantly took and used (a gift from Ling and a reluctance to waste things being the pry bar to force her) but Greed still had to show her how to work from the ends up to the crown. She tied her hair back and up for a Reason. Now he knew.

Performative femininity isn't just for debates. There is that, but you can also stop being a ragamuffin.  He thought the previous annoyance with the braid was style. Nope, it was all time management. She picked whatever was fastest and rolled with it. He supposed their standard ponytail wasn't enough of a defense to knock her but they /could/ do fancy and instead chose not to. Laziness was different from not cultivating the skill at all.

Whatever. He was dunking her in coconut oil at first opportunity because fuck were her ends a /nightmare/. 

_And why do you care?_

There it /was/, that was better. It was just a ghost of the girl he was coming to know but the tart manner had finally made a reappearance.  WE TREAT OUR BODIES NICE. YOU DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH YOU APPRECIATE IT UNTIL YOU GOTTA SHARE. AND YOU CAN MAKE LASTING DAMAGE.  Having his own body had been a major perk but really having to just deal with a bad hair day by alternate options that were not cutting his own head off stung the most.

Lan Fan thought back to when she first met Greed in Amestris where he’d spent Six Months rotating through sewers, the woods, and slums alike, squinting at him dubiously with a few cuttings of recall.

Finer things, finer things. 

He turned over a few of her memories in mental hands. Their little gang had to be Something to look at in the daylight if it was that bad in the dark. It was probable on most days you couldn't get close enough to get a good look because of the smell. Wearing black had been a defense mechanism. It was a frat house in those woods. A disgusting party of two and a half with two exhausted chaperones. Greed felt kinda bad for the chimeras, they had better noses than usual.

Edward had lived for Filth, in his element. He'd tried to teach them how dirt baths worked. Darius had broken down and screamed that they were to take a dip in the river at least every few days after a very early point. Ed had also rigged up a metal tub contraption with alchemy that he wouldn't shut up about after it started getting cold enough that dips in the river weren’t bracing but tended to be more hypothermia inducing. Greed’s pride about taking something from Ed had made that bath hard won but Ling had begged and begged and begged. He could take being dirty but warm down to his bones? There wasn't much Ling wouldn’t do.

Also our communal headache... oh watch the uh... cut along his ear, Greed glared at nothing for a hot second but relaxed at a mental pull from Lan Fan  ... was having a great time realizing he could get even dirtier than we thought possible in between the infrequent cleanings. Said you guys traveled the desert and was surprised there were places sand Hadn’t gotten yet that now had dirt.

Ling's eyes were shut but he kept angling his head for easier attendance for the knots.

I, meanwhile, didn't know better. Literally for a bit, amnesia, but also like holy shit emperors get GOOD SHIT. YOU /WANNA/ TAKE A BATH WHEN YOU CAN BASICALLY SWIM IN THE TUB. 

Oh Greed missed it. Oh he suddenly missed it so fucking Bad. Baths were one of the only times he went legitimately uninterrupted during his days at the palace. Even sleep wouldn’t save him most of the time. Ling of course acted much like he did now during them, shut eyes and a low hum of contentment as he practically melted into the floor the only thing belaying his presence.

Greed was set on his very missed baths.  Effervescent. Like literally effervescent. Bath salts, and fucking-- like beads? Like there's beads? 

_Beads._

There's like beads. 

_Just- In general?_

Like you put them in the bath and they do smells, I don't know. I missed out on hygiene technological updates, apparently. Unfortunate downside of my knowledge network at the time. Oh, maybe she would know?

Lan fan what's the shower rock for? 

_A… rock?_

He gave her a mental image of a rock he and Ling had no idea the purpose of on a tray of many bath tools and accessories.

Ah. _Feet._

OHHHHH. See, I thought the rock was aesthetic, part of that feng shui stuff or whatever it’s called. Same reason if I move a cupboard three inches to the left I get a lecture. 

He was almost done with Ling.

Don't get comfortable sitting on your laurels of your advanced bath knowledge with rocks, you’re next after him, you street urchin. It's so bad you're gonna attempt to lift my wallet and try and sell me old newspapers, Lan Fan 

Her bun was FINE.

No. It's a ratty ass bundle. It's been bothering me for a while.

She wore a hood with her uniform of Course it got frizzy, not her fault.

Frizzy is one thing, this is a Knot. So You Are Next,  Greed carefully sounded out. No arguments.  And also, knot, your fault. 

She ignored the pun utterly. If the hair stayed out of her face it was Functional which was all that it needed to be. Cleaning Ling up was fine but she was good just as she was and puns like that worked on him but not her. Greed could destroy language on his own time or for Ling.

No. The ‘no’ was one answer to many of her thoughts.  I see that comment about my grasp of language too and you don't even know what language we're speaking right now so why are you set on that I’m destroying it? 

...she actually didn't know.

‘Language’ in the mind space was as much a mental construct as the little representations of themselves they moved around. Lan Fan slowly came to terms with the fact they'd all been phasing in and out of Xingese and Amestrian like frogs through land and water. She thought back to previous events and Greed had stuck mostly to his first language with Ling when she'd been hiding he was there. There was another reason she doubted her lord’s intuition. They were in their home country, and more importantly were only talking to each other in that inn. Why would she suddenly switch?

It blew her mind somewhat to think that even her talking wasn't really ‘talking’, as words were secondary at best. Even with the considerable bridging it allowed for complicated and fast speech Greed still lost her on much of what he said.

Works great if you don’t think on it too hard! 

_Mmm._

The only really tricky bits were the phrases that were unique to each country, Greed knew those required more explanation. Context was the thing. Did his context want a ponytail? "Ling, you want the tail?"

"Mmm...ya."

Can you handle a ponytail, Ms. Functional?  Greed leveled the dig smartly. Hair care didn’t just extend to your own after all. Maybe Mei could show her a few things? Lan Fan sneered but took the comb up to finish what they were doing off; cloth bandage, something they had in spades, working as a tie.

Greed noticed Ling dozing, warmth of the cave getting to him. No sleeping just yet, food first. "Ling, where's a king keep his armies?"

Ling perked at the question. "Mmmmwestern battalion barracks and usually in the south, given the time of year?"

"Not ours, stupid."

"Not my fault your question was vague dumbdumb. So where, enlighten me."

"Sleevies."

Both Lan Fan and Ling held a similar air of 'huh?'. Ling waved his shirt sleeves around in a voiceless question.

"Armies go in sleevies."

_??...!_

"Oh, DAMMIT!" Ling slapped his forehead.

Greed tutted, "You're lucky you have my brain to help you most of the time, both of you are deficient."

"I did not know a rude cuss in a second language and dumb jokes, so that makes me deficient?" Lan Fan asked. Ling knew when Greed had given, or Lan Fan had taken, control. (The particulars didn’t really matter when you weren’t fighting it out, Ling knew it could feel like both of those or not quite either.) The hands on the back of his head had become slightly hesitant but it was nice to know Greed was teasing her too by her audible balk.

"What do we learn first thing with a new language, Ling?" Greed asked.

"Swears." Ling hadn't needed to deliberate at all.

Greed pointed boldly as if Lan Fan was the one in the wrong and not just cohabitating with two people cut from the same crooked cloth. 

"Forgive me if you are not a pure beacon of language education." Lan Fan was done with the ponytail. It looked just as it always did.

"In my line of work proper swears are important! It’s Practical."

That was most definitely in the eye of the beholder.

"Alright Lan Fan, if language is no fun," Greed took their cloak that had been hanging up and draped it over Ling, "if we were to go out there with this emperor here what would we call this item of clothing?"

Ling pulled the makeshift blanket close, "Comfortable."

"Great job. Lan Fan, a possibly more correct answer?"

She wasn't going to play but Greed was nudging her roughly. "....A royal cover-up?" She could call it cruel that Greed waited for a guess knowing that she was incredibly bad at this but it was innocent love of the game that drove him.

He gaped, "YOU GET A GOLD STAR BECAUSE YOU OUTFOXED ME! I was gonna say a reign jacket! Call me buttered and fried- you really got me!" Greed clapped, delighted.

The cloak nest spoke, "I want a star."

Greed rummaged in a pocket, "Ling, you get a participation trophy in the form of the last cookie." He tossed the slightly crumbly treat that Ling snatched pretty damn fast for being injured.

"Seems like a cookie is a better deal?" Ling asked.

"Stars last longer, seems fair- Since that cookie is already in your face."

"Mmmyeah," he concurred. Ling grinned amidst the crumbs that were left and brushed a few off his chest.

"Lan Fan is not to be plied by sweets, she functions with achievement. Takes pride in accomplishments even if there’s no physical component to it! Class act, that." Greed did suppose a reward could be arranged. She was pulled gently, but with no room to argue, away from her limbs. With the long experience of dealing with Ling’s /mess/ Greed took out her bun and shifted her hair around with some shakes so it laid like a sheep dog’s around her shoulders. Lan Fan didn’t approve but in direct defiance of relying on her since- since before all of this happened, his grip on control of her body was abruptly a lot stronger. 

“Now. Your turn!” Greed held the comb up in excitement. He'd fixed her hair many times, she insisted on wearing it in a way that practically begged him to mess with it, but there had always been something going on. This time there was no excuse for it.

“Looks good already!” Ling held an approving thumbs up at what amounted to a mop. 

Greed walked her to the cave mouth, even though it was like dragging a cat that didn't want to be picked, up to stick her head outside and scrub around. His blood didn't dissolve anymore so he had become reluctantly versed on how to actually clean it out. Black wasn’t only an aesthetic choice on his part.

It was so fucking TRYING. Blood was the WORST to clean. Sticky and gummy, it was half of Ling's hair care just combing the gunk out. Nobody was to even get him started on how bad it was to get out of silks and cottons. He wore leather for that reason. 

The boy is gunk, Lan Fan. He's just gunk.

Ling didn't feel like a million bonds of writ but with cleanish hair and clothes, a cloak that didn't smell, and impending rice gruel, it was the best he had felt in a SUPER long while. He was lighter, getting what he'd been trying not to think about off his chest and this little cave in the middle of nowhere was becoming one of his better spa days.

Lan Fan pouting while Greed nattered at her about the benefits of magnesium sulfate was nice too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :) The night is long and the storm rages ever forward.


	25. Storms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We are in the midst of a new arc! In my internal notes I call this one:  
> Cave.
> 
> But to name them all for your pleasure;  
> The get Ling Arc or, Boy Retrieval  
> The Embarassed to be Alive Arc  
> The Arguments are Food and They've All Been Starving Arc  
> The Exercise for a Healthy Body and Mind Arc  
> Lan Fan Brain Machine Broke Arc  
> The Kill Bill Sirens Arc  
> and Cave
> 
> I think our first arc was longest but this one is no slouch!

A storm this nasty never traveled alone, it brought company. Edward Elric reacquainted himself with the experience of being wet and miserable in the woods from one of the accompanying fronts, unknowingly hours away from the hovel their quarry had kipped for the night. What was /worse/ was he had public transport; warm, dry, and ever so coyly dangled in front of him only to be snatched away in that it was ‘too dangerous to continue along our scheduled pace for the evening’. They had been doing okay! Why did this freak shit need to strike just when it was getting dark and going into the foothills unequipped would be ill-advised?

Ed had been to hell and gotten Ling out of hell, yeah, but being trapped at a rural train station in a typhoon was also a type of hell. Why did Ling always make him go and get him against every fiber of his being telling him he needn’t have bothered? It wasn’t like he was the only one this time unlike that horrible dimension. There were big strong chimeras and a little spitfire who had equal care that Ling was gone. Or, in Mei's case, maybe she claimed the most custody. Those two could claim a multilayered relation.

If Ed were to draw a comparison, if Alphonse was trapped somewhere in the Xingese wilderness Ed knew he’d burn most of it down, yeah. But now he was /stuck/! It wasn’t like he could pull stakes and go home-- because of the rain! Home was actually a continent away but his home away from home felt even farther. Not that Alphonse was probably having that fun a time back at the palace. At least he was probably not soaking wet like Ed currently was just from the run from the train to the station doors.

He shook out his greatcoat, hanging it over the wooden seat inside the station waiting area. He’d noticed that this particular one was one of those combination deals, the top floor was a shitty inn, the bottom held a crappy general store and place to get hot food. (Which of Course was closed given it was getting late). The general store looked like it stayed open until the trains stopped running for the night so they could pick up more ingredients. They’d packed food but they had already made a dent on what they packed and it was Ling they were going to go get so they’d brought a bag that was solely for foodstuffs. 

  
Ed had learned a few lessons from the last time he’d been out with this group. There were a few newbies in Mei and eventually when they got to her, Lan Fan, but he was going into this knowing a hell of a lot more than last time. One tip was however much food you could bring, get more.

The second was yelling didn’t solve problems. Well— the problem of a typhoon. That’s why Ed had decided to sit this one out while Mei and the other two handled their lodging for the evening. Lan Fan was gonna have to wait, if she was smart she probably had holed up somewhere already. If she got Ling (eh, she probably did by now, Ed supposed, nothing was gonna stop that crazy girl) then she’d not want Ling’s pretty little head wetted by the dirty scary typhoon. He knew her. Greed… he’d maybe make Ling walk through a typhoon but with Lan Fan in a rare position to choke him out he’d most likely abstain. Things being what they were there was no meat shield, or Ling as he was colloquially known, to protect him. Ed had already complained about the delay but if his group was gonna have to slog it through mud tomorrow then they needed to rest up. 

  
It was whatever. It wasn’t like he had anything better to do. He took a boot off and poured a small stream of water from the heel. He’d have three favors if he played his cards right and no matter who Greed occupied when he got there Greed still counted as the extra favor. 

  
Sitting it out in this purgatory and hopefully securing a decent bed was at least better than getting stabbed by rebar. 

  
It was even better than the first time the old group had been out doing a version of this. There’d been no beds then, shitty or otherwise. 

Edward would tell anyone who asked differently but he was a pretty decent person. Watching Ling, or really Greed most of the damn time, over those few months made him think about how people saw him. What he ended up coming to on his own was; ‘maybe I need to be less annoying.’ He’d seen some parallels in how Greed talked to people and escalated shit. Ed could reason that maybe /he/ had been the problem with the outcomes of /some/ of his old spats. The outsider perspective had done wonders. Ling was careworn, most of his energy went to reigning in the new thing they all had to deal with so when they did get to infrequently directly speak Ed had to stubbornly admit even that was better.

Even early on, before Ling had somehow made Greed turn a proverbial corner, Ling had proved himself to be a decent conversationalist. When he wasn’t trying to rile Ed up. It turned out to be so fruitful because those first conversations ended up centered around hatred of fathers but a win was a win. Ling humored Edward because, like- he wasn’t gonna get the scales out but it was clear who ‘won’ that contest, and that wasn’t even factoring in Greed. Ling and Greed could admire the passion if not the whole picture. 

It was amazing to Ed at the time, a whole hour of normal chatting and no hollering (about each other)! Greed had chipped in at the fifteen minute mark even though he’d not been ‘awake’ at the start of their chat. There was a slight pause between Ling and Ed but they agreed on the point Greed brought up and plowed on like he’d been there the whole time. (He had, but that they did not indicate that it was a big deal was the important thing.) It was odd and fragile, that early peace, but it was probably one of the things that made it easier for Greed to turn those later corners. 

Ling had looked at Ed when Greed had spoken up with an entreaty, nothing pleading, but more of a quiet ‘could you do me a solid?’ Ed decided to take a more even keel. Greed wasn’t that bad to talk to and if there was any topic that would bring them together as a united front it would be that one. Ed realized it sucked, Ling’s predicament. It wasn’t as bad as what Alphonse had to deal with back then but Ed was good at drawing parallels along with perfect circles. Ling had already motioned through some context clues that he was ‘working on it’ with Greed. Edward reasoned he would eventually be able to get another worker out of it if he gave Ling a hand, and fireside Dad Haters Club was better than fireside screaming argument. 

\--- 

  
Ling had been able to participate through a few types of long conversations around fires after the travel of the day was done and the chores for tomorrow were started. One involved the care and maintenance of automail that Greed somehow resolved to be absent throughout the duration. Later when Greed said ‘shut up’ Ling had (without a fight) and left him alone for a suspiciously similar amount of time. Edward, watching all of it, didn’t draw /any/ informational exchange from these /plainly/ random chance encounters. 

  
Ed thought Ling was fuckin’ with him for like one second when he first brought it up but it was asked pretty seriously...and– Oh. Yeah, that was right, Ling could be interested in things beyond himself. Himselves. 

Ed should have known when a response of "I'm not very interested," was issued when he was cleaning his arm and asked Greed why he was hanging around; the emphasis floating gently on /I’m/.

  
So maybe when Ed was on watch later and Greed had a huge do not disturb sign, Ling found himself suspiciously free to kinda' meander.

  
It was all very suspicious but also not related at all, no. 

  
Ed was open to it, Ling mainly wanted a primer. Some of how it worked. Yes the operation sucked, no couldn’t feel with it, yes can still feel the part where the metal ends. Hurts when it's humid or it's snowing. Don't let it get hot, or cold, phantom limb is a bitch and a half. Leg is a bit more of a bitch than the arm cause I'm pressing on it when I'm up and about. My teacher railed on me until I stopped favoring it– those kinds of simple answers tumbled out as Ling got more confident asking.

Ed looked up from where he was tightening a screw to a frown that wouldn’t be out of place coming from Greed all the same. 

“I’m being a realist here cause I got mine young and uh, under duress, but there's a LOTTA pluses. A lion thing bit this thing dead on and it's ALL GOOD!” Ed could talk up the positives big time, give it a fair shake for the audience. There /were/ actually a lot. 

“Built in shield and bludgeon.” The metal flashed in the firelight as Ed tapped the outer cover that had taken a lot of punishment in his service. “Lotsa people get add ons with theirs but you've seen me do it with alchemy.” Ling looked less beaten down than a moment ago.

“Like there are tons of people who get it Literally Just Cause It’s Cool. We met in Rush Valley, remember? You seen all those die hards.” Ling’s head had tilted in recall. Ed knew that their meeting felt a lifetime ago to him and probably many lifetimes ago to Ling if him dying a couple times since then factored in. 

“I've had to make Winry promise to not self-experiment cause I know the second she starts she'll be replaced by a robot within a calendar year. Luckily she's a bit squeamish when it comes to her own parts. Hypocrite.” Ed tossed his braid with a shake of his head.

  
Ling snickered. Ed threw him a bag of dried fruit. Ling caught it with one hand and poured about half of it in his palm to eat, tucking the rest into his coat. Ed thought that laters when it came to food were a no go with Ling but he supposed the rest wasn’t technically for /him/. 

“I did nearly catch her leaning on a soldering iron though, and that one she wouldn't've caught in time if I hadn’t literally put my hand in the way. A miracle her hair is still attached to her head given she doesn't tie back those long hair bits by her ears.” Ed shrugged with a ‘girls’ eye roll. 

“At least with her arms I know she won't touch them because she needs control, if she couldn't tinker for a whole six months I think she'd literally die. Sprained her wrist as a kid and it took aaaages to heal cause she wouldn’t stop messing around.” Ed pointed the business end of his screwdriver at Ling, “That's another thing, you can get finesse back but it takes recovery time and good automail. If you did something like say, play an instrument, you're outta' fucking luck for QUITE A BIT.” It was best not to beat around the bush about some of the other stuff. Re-learning to write had been frustrating.

  
Edward’s ears caught a quiet mutter of, “She didn’t even /like/ the Guzheng.” before he continued. “Listen. I hate mine sometimes 'cause I had no say in it but I'm pretty sure your crazy bodyguard will like hers given some time with it, feels to me like she'll utilize it well.” Ling’s eyes widened like he had expected Ed to keep stuff general but Ed was the type of person to walk into a church and say he was agnostic so it could have been that Ling’s expectations were off. 

It looked to Ed, based on the relief he saw on Ling, that that had been the right move even if it wasn’t the most tactful one. “She’d be smart to slap options on that bad boy when she gets used to it!” he laughed. Ling smiled and huffed a laugh of his own. 

  
“Ling, this is a bit maybe off color to say but as far as people go she was going to realize sooner or later that it gave a Combat Advantage and take matters into her own hand. We've only met briefly but she did try and kill me,” Ed said, frowning over the memory. Ling waved a hand almost like he wanted to offer an apology for it but Ed put up his own in ‘no thanks’. Lan Fan could apologize on her own, but knowing her that would be like finding a hen’s tooth in the chicken coop. Ed liked a challenge. 

He got up to stoke the fire and sit on the side Ling hadn’t moved from. “Also, and like I am pretty sure I don't have to tell you-- but arm based jokes? Not funny ever. Don't even take a crack at it.” Ling nodded quickly, expression telling Ed it wasn’t going to be a problem but Ed figured he could pass it on to other local relevant parties. 

“That being said-- ‘missing limbs’ is kinda’ a misnomer, I know exactly where mine went.”

  
Greed fucked the whole ‘am busy’ thing up by ROLLING on the forest floor for that one.

Ling had a general idea where Lan Fan’s arm wandered off to but who could say for sure. After Greed had gotten up and acted like nothing was amiss to ‘leave’ again Ling did eventually tell Ed exactly how that little rabbit trick he taught her went. It had been Edward's turn to quietly regard the blaze after that. Ling waved his arms frantically in front of his pensive face and explained it had directly saved both of their lives. Ed stopped him from nearly falling into the fire in his panic and yanked Ling by the back of the jacket to sit. “I personally think going back in after losing one to double dip has more mettle,’ he said after another silence which did encourage an appreciative whistle out of Ling. 

  
Or at least he thought it had been Ling, but the eyes that gleamed at him were way too sharp. 

  
It /was/ Ling he was dealing with after a second more if the phrase “You know, we can both sit at the fire,” could be taken at face value as directed at Greed. It must have taken the other bastard more off guard than Ling thought it would because Edward had to hop up again to stop the prince/homunculus from trying to fall back into the fire. Greed didn’t have to bail like he got his hand stuck in the treat jar. 

“Cut all this wood for everyone’s benefit,” Edward submitted. He wasn’t sure how a lot of the shit with them worked but it seemed to him that getting Greed to share more benefited everyone. Leading by example was a thing he guessed he could do.

  
Ling had later told him about more apparent ‘rules’ and ‘techniques’ in hushed tones saying how it was less of a push and more of a goad with Greed these days. Ed saw that food played a major factor and was reminded of how he’d need to pen the sheep with offered sugar cubes. Ling almost never got to eat himself but doing things like keeping half a bag of fruit or saying ‘here, try this,’ over a rare appearance at one of their dinners always made Greed get surprised enough he’d look around like someone was pulling a joke. 

  
So when doughnuts got brought from town as an end of the week treat (risk versus reward) Greed taking a bunch but saying one was Ling’s when Ed argued over the count was mildly interesting to Ed. The dessert would have been his if they divided stuff evenly but it wasn’t like he didn’t have three more. He let it go without a fight, Greed had made good on not lying before and Ling’s happy exclamation of how he loved chocolate around half the thing consummated that deal. Ed tended to take pity on people with meager existences and he was working on his mouth getting him into trouble with those people less. Actions were easier, less to mess up. 

If Ling got back to Xing and did the thing he was supposed to it couldn’t hurt to have the good will of an emperor, and, Ed assumed at the end of all this, his pet homunculus. 

  
Ling was hooding his eyes, looking to the horizon, doughnut long gone, "-and so I was thinking, given the weather? We could go to higher ground for a while, what do you think, Greed? These mountains are nothing like Xing’s, when we go there you’ll see-"

  
Someone yammering about "-when we go back to Xing-" was holding more weight by the day if Ed was any judge.

  
\---

  
It got messy near the end on who owed who what. Ling had to come from behind with a lot of big cash-ins right at the end and then scattered back home before Ed could pay him back. As much as Ling had said any owing was well paid when Ed brought it up after a solid few weeks of lazing around the palace, it still bothered him that he might not be ‘in the black’ as Greed said. Ling insisted if anyone owed anyone he himself owed Alphonse. Ed had explained that Ling had been willing to use that extra stone he had on him to bring his brother back on the Promised day, and then of course Al had to repay That by bringing Greed back. (Though he would have anyway.) Ling put them both up and Ed supposed Greed did too since he wasn’t a pet but half the governing body. Now at least Alphonse was in the position to be owed again because Ed sure as hell was glad he wasn’t stuck back at base driving Xing. Sorry Al. It felt to Ed like the time he’d dumped him off with Pride. Like he was gonna be fine, he trusted him that the situation wouldn’t kill him but-- yeah, sorry. 

-

  
Darius and Heinkel checked on Edward with a surreptitious half look as Mei negotiated their stay and the possibility of transportation for the morning. Despite the delay they were making good time up until that point- once they got started. More key to this whole camping trip they were surprisingly having a good time as well! Ed was grumbly but more well adjusted and Mei had been a deeeeLight. The only thing that had made them nervous before that wall of clouds rolled in was that they kept finding clues that Lan Fan had travelled farther than they thought. After every new pile of beads at every stop Edward had said what they were all thinking with a pissed off, yet impressed, “REALLY?’. 

  
The chimera had seen enough of Lan Fan to get her deal and they knew Greed when he got Like That, (though they had never seen it this bad). They could do basic math and Greed’s feelings on what had transpired added to her feelings meant that the combined monster was not gonna stop until it hit Ling. Any walls, or problems, or people, that stood in their way weren't gonna be standing anymore.

They had of course both asked why the rest of the group cared so much about whatever, whoever, that was at the moment. Enough to drop everything and go off into the wilderness on a trail of breadcrumbs. It looked like Lan Fan could handle herself, or be able to weather the night unsupervised at any rate. Greedling would be fine. Probably. They didn’t have to force their way into the woods at night. 

  
To answer the chimeras prompt of why they needed to gas on it Ed only said : “Eh, he grew on me,” and not indicated which one he meant. He could have said’ friends in high places’ and a lot of other excuses besides but the chimeras saw Ed made friends easy even though his personality was shit. Much of the second half of their first journey had been Edward and the homunculus/prince pair enjoying each other's company as much as two surly curmudgeons and an anthropomorphised trickster spirit could. 

  
Mei, the chimeras knew her. She wouldn't shut up (not that they wanted her to, again, she was a delight) about her brother(s). "And how does your arrangement work?" they had asked. 

Which got: “Eh, he was my brother first and then became my actual brother but also there's two of them and if he got another brother then by default I have two too." Why did they look at her like that, they had asked? It made sense! "I like them both for lots of different reasons. Ling treats me like a sister." Though a brother treating a sister like a sister should be the default she stated it in a way that emphasized the apparent importance. "Greed treats me like a handler and also a newborn infant depending on his moods.” That part was laced with more sarcasm but her voice hadn't entirely lost the fondness.

They had asked her about her involvement and how Ed had called her the ‘summoning mastermind', so she better "track them good".

  
She filled them in on her hand in Greed’s return. “Ling helped my clan first thing he could so when he came to me to maybe kill him of course I would!” The chimeras didn’t even flinch at her phrasing, Ed liked to say and do worse. “Lucky Greed, who I didn't meet or know really was actually still around!” Mei smiled, kicking legs that dangled from the train seat. 

“Having someone talk at great length about someone else but never meeting them ‘till recently was weird but Greed was real nice to me! Ling did say he was!" Crazy nice, actually, it was almost like meeting an old acquaintance, but then again how it was it was really like they'd already been living together. "I pulled Lan Fan aside before I did it because.. well you know it was for Ling but her opinion had been important too! She’d been real nice to me as well!” Xiao Mei chirped an affirmative like she agreed and Mei tickled under her chin. “All she said at the time when I basically gave her a vote on what we should do was ‘...Whatever’, which, I know you have seen she is not one to be conflicted on much so that was funny!” Mei covered her mouth politely with a sleeve to giggle. 

  
“When Ling was busy she came and checked on me more than he did but that was okay. He was having problems.” She studied the scenery that passed along the window for a heartbeat. “He had a lot of problems.” Much like her brother Mei’s face brightened quickly.

  
"In interest of not telling Lan Fan some things I'm free to tell you Ling's heart did stop for quite a while. It was okay cause it was clearly a non issue after but--" Mei stopped and hoped those three would wait to do any technical work until she arrived. Things had been messy even with her and Alphonse addressing the original problem, even with the addition of the support of an array. It had been a bit scary at the time. Luckily she wasn't a doctor just then 'cause that was malfeasance- she was pretty sure. Mei explained her hopes of Greed, Lan Fan, and Ling’s patience to the really kind animal guys.

  
Or maybe it had not been malfeasance? Poisons were used in medicine to heal all the time so Mei could argue it was from a place of healing that she zapped Ling with enough raw power to kill ten men.

He asked for it! Ordered it! Had plausible deniability, she did, as Greed would say. And also a sweetheart who could slip her across the border if it had come down to it. Lan Fan was really great. Mei didn't know why people were so terrified of even her footfalls. She was...rough, but people also shook in their shoes over Mr. Scar so what did people know.

  
If the emperor said to do something, Mei did it. She was Only a princess was the other thing she had to hide behind to deflect blame. The hierarchy was as clear as Lan Fan's collection of crystal animals she denied having.

A princess...Who...had rights to be named successor. Sugar coffee tea that COULD HAVE BEEN /BAD/. Al had found the extensive documentation later and shown her that it was all as legal and iron clad as could be arranged. She knew her stupid brother had said he was gonna name her some title but SUCCESSOR was big, what were those two thinking? Or had they not?! Greed surely had something to say about Ling's choices. He'd sounded off about much of what could be improved that Ling had chosen in his 'absence'. Perhaps they thought that since they were 'untouchable' naming a successor was a joke? It’d be like Ling saying someone could have what was left of dinner after he was finished with it. The more she thought about it the more that seemed like them. 

-

  
Mei was very patient, unlike her dumb brother she could wait for things that were not directly for some scheme. Everyone always said she was mature for her age. Sitting on a train, time takes what it takes. She'd been happy with making small talk with all the boys, and the novelty of the trip was diverting too! The last time Mei had been on a train they were going to go do something they hadn't decided on yet to their father and Ling wasn’t up for speaking. This time was still… tense, their group didn't know what the next few hours held, but with Lan Fan out there loose and pissed it was hard to hold on to a somber outlook. 

Mei knew Greed would level a city for her but she was Pre.Tty. Sure. that his outlook about that also extended to Ling. Big brothers-- good ones, Mei was finding out, were like that.

-

  
She had some hang ups of her own. She could be patient but the weather telling her no she probably would not be able to see Ling tonight wasn't… ideal. Having to wait it out with no progress to speak of... Ling had shown her going outside to scream and smash things was a great usage of time when one had to wait! It was why Mei was also wetter than she should have been while she cheerily negotiated a vehicle for the morrow as well as the best rooms this place had to offer. Her new chimera friends onlooking and clutching the lapels of their jackets nervously as she pointed out prices and dickered- Greed would be proud of her!

  
She was worried. Maybe that was why her temper was short. She made sure to take it out on a tree they could blame the storm knocking over and not the clerk.

  
Lan Fan said a day and it had been very nearly a whole one since their rescue group left! Not even counting her original twenty four hour limit! They left town at sundown, the train had run for hours until the morning, when the rain hit it was midday and it showed no signs of stopping. Now the sun was going down… or they would be able to see that if not for the swirling clouds.

  
Lan Fan was very punctual.

  
Lan Fan was in fact /so/ punctual that the fact she wasn’t staring at them out the station window in the rain with Ling on her shoulder was worrisome...

She promised so of course she was doing everything in her power! Mei also couldn't count Greed out! As if he'd let himself be forgotten!

  
Greed promised her too and Greed did not break promises either. The "hope to die" portion was implied.

  
Mei was interested in getting where they were as soon as possible because she could practically feel Greed scrabbling for out before they even left. Mei wasn't cruel, it went beyond a hippocratic oath as their unofficial official doctor but was more just rooted in her personality.

Her stupid fucking brother just had to engineer this type of situation but go missing so she couldn't enjoy it. She had only laughed a little, privately. And with Edward. Mei offered her sorries to Lan Fan, wherever she was. It was funny.

  
She had done it on purpose so Mei felt that she could make fun of her.... but the majority would be done after she got back.

  
Ling gets made fun of in perpetuity. It would bring on bad luck to stop making fun of him at this juncture, Mei thought. As for Greed, well- rock and a hard place.

  
The small staff were readying their rooms and instructed they could perhaps peruse their humble general store while they waited? Mei could go for snacks. Mei knew Ling could also go for snacks. She would get all of them a souvenir. And Alphonse, absolutely for Alphonse! Maybe something bigger for Alphonse, Mei had felt really bad about leaving him but they needed her here and him there.

  
Him and Lan Fan really got the short ends of the stick with this problem. Mei wondered if springing the "You're like a sister to me" conversation she'd been thinking about bringing up would hit worse or better with Greed in residence.

  
Technicalities.

  
Ed could shut his fat mouth about Ling and even Greed, but he'd been oddly complaining about basically everything else unless Mei specifically brought them up.

Even if they’d gotten to a car before the rain began, driving on dirt roads during a torrential downpour would be slow-going at best. Worse they'd wreck the dang thing, Mei was not going to be carried through the mud. The idea of having to walk had not really occurred. She told him and the chimera that the car and their departure would have to wait until this mess blew out. It was good that they had gotten out of the city late because they would have been stranded somewhere worse if they were farther in. This stop they were at was one of the last ones of civilization, Mei gleaned, just little hamlets and dinky towns until the elevation got too high to support anything but a cottage after this.

  
Ed didn't like the bad news. Leave it to the freakin’ tourist to make them look like shit as he started to complain loud enough the staff tried to placate him with a basket of fruit. Mei didn't know him. 

  
"My two new uncles, why is that blond boy demanding the weather move out of his way?" Mei asked while putting out her hands so they could both be held by the muscle bound gentlemen.

  
They grasped her small palms, already in the thrall, "Don’t make eye contact niece, best not to engage with those types," the blond one said with enough volume so anyone watching wouldn't take their hair color and foreign status as enough of a throughline to assume they were related.

  
Mei pouted up at them, Xiao Mei popping out from her collar to mirror the expression. (Good on her, so many treats for Xiao Mei later, yes ma'am!) "Maybe your favorite niece can drive when the storm is over and we get a car?" she asked, laying it on Thick. Worked on big softies of all kinds. Greed shared her brother's physique but something told Mei he previously supported mass more in common with these two kind animal men than her bamboo stick of a brother because dang had she honed these techniques to a shine on him.

  
Darius was thinking about it, the lion had more pride. "BE STRONG DARIUS, DON'T YOU FOLD."

  
He waffled, "...We don’t know the age of driving here, it could be legal..?"

Heinkel wasn't having it, his hand reluctantly left Mei's to slap at Darius' shoulder in rebuke. Legality nothing! "NO.YOU BE STRONG. REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED TO THE LAST CAR WE LET A TEENAGER DRIVE." Ed had left off bitching to watch the new spectacle. That was right, that vehicular rental agreement had been in a certain lion's name.

  
"BOSS SAID HE WAS TWO HUNDRED!" Darius argued.

  
“AND LOOK WHAT THAT GOT HIM! NO TEENAGE /BODIES/ IN FRONT OF THE WHEEL, WE LEARNED THIS. He may have Said he was two hundred but the one working the controls looked suspiciously fifteen!” Heinkel thought that the fifteen year old part applied to both sets of controls, the car and that physical form. “So NO TEENS, magical bullshit or otherwise!” Especially since he had heard something threading the lines of “Greed you can drive? You’re so cool! I’ve never driven before, can you teach me?” that carried the same flavor as the cadences the young sweet child in front of them was using. 

  
Darius and Hienkel got on well because they could pick up similar clues quickly. The pink one was to be trusted, carefully. She was still /his/ sister. And that guy was Real Good at manipulating a two hundred year old man child. 

  
It had been a learning experience for everyone, Ling learned that there was a lot that went into driving— like pedals. Sticks even. Crazy. He would stick to a palanquin. Darius and Heinkel learned things like: 'don’t believe it when teenagers say they know how to drive', and Ed had chalked another feather up to ‘try and not be annoying, it just makes trouble’. 

Ed could employ that lesson now, he guessed. If he had to. He centered himself and started pushing snacks into a handy basket they had at the doors of the general store. At the very least he’d packed /Ling’s/ money for this trip. The thunder shook the well constructed building, wherever those three had holed up he hoped it wasn’t too far. Annoying or not it was too damn quiet and not quite right without those two around. Even better, Greed actually listened to Lan Fan telling him to shut his trap.

Ed came to a horrific conclusion that if either of those two morons wanted they could buy one hundred cars to crash and resolved to never inform anyone of his findings and also die to make sure they never put it together. 

\---

  
Lan Fan shivered from a chill, the wind outside hadn’t hit her but she felt cold all the same. The chill raked it’s way down her spine and out her fingertips. Ling glanced over, “Cold Lan Fan? Get more near the fire!” 

Their personal space had been shredded as they sort of huddled against each other, the cave was big enough where they could have stretched out but Ling had insisted on sharing his cloak, despite dual objections. It was cozy, definitely not because it was easier to keep people from slipping off if he fell asleep, no. 

They had scuffled about who would be closer to the cave mouth first, Ling insisting he’d wanted the fresh air as his ‘artful narrative sculpting’. Lan Fan and Greed had fought valiantly and with numbers convinced him that they were less likely to roll out, putting it to a vote to shut him down. 

The cave was ventilated enough that Ling saying he didn’t want to huff smoke was overblown and they all knew it. The newly brushed head had tossed it’s ponytail and given that fight up, staring sullenly at the rain while Greed tidied the space around them. 

  
Greed was becoming more sure that this haunt had to be popular at some juncture in its history. He had found more old cans near the back (empty, sadly, but he wasn’t sure he’d even try to eat the contents if they still held something). Soot was allowable as long as it went on skin and clothes rather than finding a home in lungs. Even with their rain shower they weren’t gonna be acceptably clean soon and he’d come to terms with it. 

At least they weren’t actively bloody. Lan Fan had taken off much of what she could spare to stick outside on a tree branch they found in the wood pile for a quick soaking and a drip dry near the fire. It wasn’t gonna do anything for the stains but it eased the smell. They had brought soap but a small cake of the stuff wasn’t going to do anything for those soaked rags. After they dried at some stretch of the night Greed resolved he would sew the worst of the rips, unless she wanted her uniform to be a crop top. Which-- by her response to such a thought was a big old ‘No’. 

  
They then told Ling he should have the cloak to himself, most of the material Lan Fan was wearing was flak or heavy duty and she was still running warm. Ling on the other hand was underweight and injured, surefire ways to lose body heat. Ling had fought back with a smile and the argument of the singular word “Halvsies!” which made Greed need a second to recover. Lan Fan wasn’t in much better shape herself and Ling redoubled his effort, pressing in with “It is not only because /temperature/ but because it is nice to share, dammit.”

  
Can’t even offer to share without being bratty, huh. Greed complained after his breather, but they did sit.

  
That was where the present found them, the crackle of the fire and the slow drip of Lan Fan’s overclothes punctuating Ling’s satisfied hum of losing a few battles but ultimately winning the war. “Mountain caves get cold and two bodies in a cloak is /factually/ warmer than one,” he offered, scrunching his back up against the wall to make a bit more room. There were /only/ practical reasons he was doing this, of course.

  
Greed moved closer, reluctantly. His eyes narrowed. “Don’t make it weird.”

  
Ling sighed. “You’re the one making it weird. Acting like some blushing violent over sharing a ratty cloak in a nasty cave. Yeesh.” Ling stuck it home by rolling his eyes as Greed flopped himself at his shoulder as planned, expressing a noise of contempt. 

  
Lan Fan? Are you good? Don't wanna assume comfortable levels but I literally usually share a body with him so anything involving my levels is straight gone. Lan Fan hadn’t complained but she was a little flighty and Greed was still a gentleman. 

  
To her credit she only gestured vaguely to that figment of a lock box they both had and the fact that she did not want to let go for a while either. Posturing aside. 

  
‘kay.

  
While Greed checked on her, Ling had literally tied the ends of the cloak together. He wasn’t fucking around. 

  
Ha, locked the fuck in. He’s a real piece of work. 

  
Lan Fan sighed herself, it would suffice. Her mind had not even been where Greed thought it went. Protective instincts had drowned out much of anything else. 

  
Greed would hold up a mug of beer to /that/ if he could! Oh. OH! “Ling, fucking un-knot the straight jacket for a second.” Greed struggled with their bonds, metal hand having a little trouble with the knot. 

  
“DIDN'T-” Ling started to make a case to why that hadn’t been what he was absolutely doing but Greed stopped him with a pointed look that said ‘save it’. Ling angrily tugged at the square knot and let them free, he was interested on what could make them, or Greed maybe?- jump back up after just getting settled. 

  
Lan Fan was equally as interested in what Greed was going for in the destination of their bag, besides some more jerky he shoved in her mouth as he shifted things around. Her appetite was finally returning and maybe she wouldn't be so small if she ate when she was supposed to! Lan Fan scrapped the grandmother comment she had on the tip of her tongue barely, knowing intimately he was touchy. 

  
He finally pulled out a bottle of something- she hadn't even noticed those two new additions until recently when they were rifling for first aid supplies. The weight difference had been offset from the amount of bombs they’d used up and with carrying Ling Lan Fan hadn't realized they had extra cargo.

  
Lan Fan had a damn good guess what it probably held inside which was confirmed when Ling, who had been leaning over almost to his side to see what they had gone for loudly exclaimed, "IS THAT HOOCH?"

  
From the way Greed was grinning she knew he taught Ling that word and yes that was /absolutely/ what was in that dark brown homemade bottle he clutched carefully in his fist. Once Ling unstopped the cork it was easy enough to recognize the smell from the taste of her mouth when she’d awoken that very morning. 

  
Ling snatched the bottle quick once they got back to him, after Greed hemmed and hawed about handing it over for a -second- (an extremely short second given his usual games). Hands free of their ‘burden’ he re-tied themselves back in the Cloak Zone - and they both pretended not to notice Ling watching out of the corner of his eye as they pulled the knot closed.

  
Ling Knew they wouldn't try to sneak out and leave him and all- like, he really really did know it but also he just....wanted to feel sure.

The rain was still going but the angle of the sunset let the ghost of a rainbow flicker between lightning strikes that weren’t so very earth shakingly loud as they had been.


	26. Slumber Parity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As the rain pounds on so does this arc.

So the thing with SLEEPOVERS- Greed had not had very many but Mei seemed to know what the hell she was talking about and this arrangement was pretty damn close to one, if he did say so himself! Not fucking bad for a cave in the middle of nowhere that he didn’t plan on. He kind of knew that there’d be some obstacles on getting home. No plan (especially of his or Ling’s) was without flaws and unpredictability, but this storm was a bitch of a spanner in the works. 

Even during a psychotic break Greed was very aware of the location of exactly all the things he currently laid claim to at any given time. Condition of, numerical amount, use, and monetary or trade value as well, naturally. This cave didn’t have much of ALL the things he could lay claim to but more or less everything he’d left the house with.

Ling had snatched the bottle Greed had allowed to be snatched (1x, probably two to three hundred cenz per shot, whole bottle six… thousand? Greed might put more on it depending on scarcity, taking into consideration the area he’d pay through the nose on import tax so probably a tidy hundred cenz note at the end of the day) and ripped the cork out with the Right side of his teeth, carefully. 

“Coulda’ gotten that for you?” Greed tried.

“Too slow!” Ling blew a quick raspberry, his whole face puckering at the now open bottle. “OUGHF-- THAT'S A STRONG SMELL PROFILE. WHERE'D YOU GET /THIS/?” He held up the bottle and shook it back and forth with care as to not spill it. 

“Inn. Someone was out in a shed doing an older form of ‘alchemy’ I like to call 'illegal brewery'.” Liquid gold being the aim.

Ling had stuck a pinky in the bottle to smell the resulting brew he fished out. "This is pretty advanced stuff, must be a family recipe? You, uh, offer-?" 

That Ling- Wasn’t his gang in totality but nice of him to think of them. Greed had originally offered an even split but with the rigors of being emperor as well as himself Ling only played at boss and let Greed have the main share of it. Ling was still pretty damn good at it but considering government work and blackmarket dealings were basically the same damn thing Greed wasn’t surprised. He smiled excitedly at Ling's leading question, "Oh, did!! We'll send someone out here to make all the nitty gritty arrangements but the innkeeper looks like a smart man to me!"

Ling nodded, "The inn guy, huh? Now I feel bad about skipping out and leaving that room looking like a crime scene. Anyways, talent like his should be recognized by the right people and tacitly ignored by me in an official capacity." He took a healthy pull off the bottle and let it sit in his mouth. His nostrils flared and Greed could see that tell tale 'oof' chill hit him when he swallowed.

"OuOOH GOOD," Ling whistled as Greed got resituated. Being tied in with fabric was laughable to Greed considering he could make not only a blade shoot out of his host's elbow region on command at the moment but also literal claws. As he thought about it maybe he could do spikes other places— he might have to talk to Ling about that later.

A cloak in a cave was almost as good as their sleeping arrangements yesterday, not because the cloak was good but more on that the room wasn’t fantastic. “Those beds were shit. Incidentally they already needed replacements. Far as I’m concerned we’re helping him along to better reviews in the future. And those sheets should be burned. I have a sneaking suspicion he gave us the crap room for suspicious customers, which… Well I already said I thought him a shrewd judge of clientele and this just reaffirms my thoughts,” Greed commented mainly to the sooty ceiling.

Thinking of the cloak: (1×, Thick. Rain resistant, of decent quality. Inside was softer, threw about eight thousand cenz worth of coin and bills at the door when he took it) was nice and Greed didn't Want to put it to ribbons even though he could. 

It was still hard to think in his new home currency ‘en’ when it came to money matters. The conversion rate was off and he’d thunk in cenz for too damn long. Greed's new country didn't even go by the gold standard, fucking wild. But then again they hadn’t been doing nearly any trade outside the borders for much of recent recorded history. It was silver in Xing. Unlike other differences in the countries he'd lived in this wasn't a cultural thing to come to him in time like some things that he didn’t understand, just damn annoying. At least the money was more handily designed, most had holes in the middle for easy stringing together. The coin amounts also went higher than Amestris’.

On the topic of ‘cultural differences’, with the cloak and it's flimsy comfort suffusing even Lan Fan's intelligent mind Greed thought about how humans had a lot of vague body wants that were easy to appease but confusing to him. Ling, for instance, refused to go to sleep with his foot hanging off a bed. When Greed asked him about it all he got was a shrug and an old memory/superstition of a 'monster' might grab it. To which the homunculus replied at the time, "Ha Ha, very funny, got you already." That had gone over like a lead balloon.

The camp mug full of too-thick-to-be soup (gruel being pretty unappetizing of a word) was close by but had been too mouth- destroyingly hot to break into before now. Ling placed the precious bottle down for a moment to pick the cup up, lifting some of the food off the top and avoiding the steaming lava near the bottom. He ate a few spoonfuls and the other two could almost chalk the fact he wasn't shoveling it in at his normal speed because the temperature was at fault.

Ling managed about half before turning to them, holding the spoon with a middling amount on it. "Ah". The intent was unmistakable but damned if they were going to act like they didn't understand anyway.

Greed with Lan Fan in tow /wanted/ to say, "You eat it," but that would involve opening their mouth.

"Ahhhhh? Come on, try this, it's pretty good!" Ling did eat the amount he was trying to foist on to them but got more to try again.

Greed knew it was good, he made it damn it!

But Lan Fan, traitor that she was, dutifully listened and ate what Ling offered her. Greed wrinkled their nose at being fed like a baby bird. He admitted it was good. He had not gotten to try what he made which had pained him but it was the fact that Ling Left Food on a Plate that unavoidably got his dander up even through the mollifying humiliation of what was going on.

It wasn't enough to turn the food to ash in his mouth, there was the other one to think about. Lan Fan’s stomach yawned open at the prospect of a real meal and not a snack. Greed had nearly forgotten 'cause Ling's was how he was that the girl could also Eat. She hadn't been doing nearly enough of that for Greed's liking either. Her stomach practically roared, asserting itself more than its owner usually chose to. Because she happened to be the one in control when it happened a blush colored her ears and Greed found himself back out having to negotiate over gruel with an indisposed king. Whatever. Mutually beneficial was the name of the game.

"We will eat this on terms that we trade spoons." Greed would make sure Ling got more into him hell or high water but there was his current charge to think of as well.

"Yeah alright, usual eating rules," Ling agreed. When it got real bad and they were fighting over something especially good that had been the go to plan when both couldn't wait or halve the item neatly. Things like liquids, various puddings— can't cut a pudding neatly in half and no, neither of them were waiting for the other to eat the first half. The flan would have sugar on the top or something and that little bastard was not getting all that for himself. He'd stray from the left side in his pudding fervor, Greed knew Ling.

"If you like it why'd you not clean your plate? I'm insulted," Greed found himself griping around the spoon. Lan Fan got the last bite and she was fast on uptakes. She even backed down on her own after taking the spoon from Ling after he ate his. 

Didn't have to- 

_No, this is what is polite in this society I find myself in and I have table manners._ It didn’t matter that there was no table to speak of and that their ‘society’ was a group of three. Being with Greed now for a few days food /did/ taste different depending on who was eating and that was another Ling Mystery solved.

"Little nauseous," Ling explained, moving a hand from his side more to under his ribs where his stomach was. They had suspected as much.

"Sure that ain't from the gasoline in that bottle you got?" Greed joked, but his hackles rose for Lan Fan to be aware of.

"Took /one/ pull and not even a big one! Been.. um.. hard to eat most things since I uh- could again. I know I need it so I've been powering through it or I'll never heal." The potato and leek soup he'd had this morning wanted to re-appear A Lot but Ling was one to keep hard won food In at all costs. Greed wasn't the only one who had slept the first night with his head positioned in hurling readiness. (Cookies being the cause.)

So Ling couldn't even enjoy a Favorite Activity like eating? Greed, on account of the inexperience with the new face, must have let something of his mood show because Ling replied, "Are you gonna stop drinking totally because you picked up one nasty hangover?" sarcastically. It immediately cut Greed down to a less stiff level next to him and Lan Fan relaxed by a few degrees in concert.

Ling was pretty intuitive with Greed's moods, especially now that he had a bit less to worry about on his own turf.

"Still, be easy with that bottle. If you throw up on us I'll throw you from the cave and let bears have you." Greed was gonna draw the line at being covered in blood for today. 

"I am in tune with my limitations!" Ling sulked, and to prove that he took a slightly bigger draught.

"On fluids two weeks, underweight, and also there's about five to seven percent less of you overall," Greed said. Listing it out like that was tough but he'd make sure Ling didn't over extend.

"Sure, when I'm on the homunculus diet I'll put it back on quick," Ling snickered.

Greed had noted his ribs were more pronounced when he'd done the bandages but knowing what he horribly knew now...

Lan Fan's automail (ten to twenty million cenz, custom work, detailing five million, clean, Winry original from point before inevitable national acclaim. Price jump projection to eighty million.) shook. She swallowed her bite of food and put a hand on the one Greed was rattling. He couldn't feel it of course, no nerves there, but okay thanks. Her intentions were understood.

"Yeah I'll make the necessary adjustments to my projected intake," Ling lipped Greed with a smile, "and are you implying you're like point five percent of me, or what?"

"OKAY /MIXOLOGIST./ VOLUMETRICALLY SURE. I make up for it spiritually, mentally, actionably, and in level of importance. Which are all fifty one percent or higher. That's a majority share holder in a business, you two," Greed reached over to give Ling's ponytail a good natured tug and used his other arm to get one of Lan Fan's tails to also do the same action. He got two other hands hitting his away for his trouble, which was projected but not unwanted. Ling had taken the initiative for Lan Fan and used both of his due to the fact Greed was monopolizing hers.

The edge taken off their hunger Greed felt a habitual want of his surface. He wanted to bother these dumb Xingese teens. He usually treated his things very well and somehow they had endured to get all banged up anyway. This would not do!

Lan Fan felt some kind of switch click over with Greed and braced herself for whatever would come next. When Greed was cleaning her up she got the same sense of satisfaction she usually had cleaning her weapons. She didn't care for being thought of as an object but the perception went way beyond object and more 'mine, under my influence, my circle' and could apply to So Many things and not only Objects. 

Objects were usually denoted with 'mine' while the feeling she got was 'MINE', whatever the hell that meant. Bothering was looking more like heaping attention. Having your hair brushed was a universal relaxant, even if it was your own arms doing it. Especially on the heels of a feeling of Good/Nice/Proper place while it happened. He was always so particular, how did Ling put up with such a terror? 

-

Greed looked at the two Most Important things in the cave (Lan Fan 1×, Armor, broken. Some fatigue, most ailments Fixed, current body. Price? Undefined.) and (Ling 1×, not very in good repair currently, recurrent body. ... Cost? Immortality, his own life- multiple times) and officially made it bullet point one to make sure they were comfortable for at least tonight. Revenge can get cold but those two weren't allowed to.

What kind of Greed was he if he neglected the literally priceless things he has? And revenge is best cold, as the saying goes.

Ostensibly he was also in the cave and since Greed=Ling/Lanfan (Ling=Lan Fan? Maybe. Maybe >. Hard to say. Really hard. Occupancy biases.) He supposed he'd be happy taking third place. Not all bad, and as long as (Xing kids 2x, beat up, price?) were better he would be better, and not just because he was sharin'.

He was not going to leave Lan Fan such a mess on his eventual departure and was certainly not letting Ling go to shit any more than he had just because he was absent, thank you! It would be nice to have his own body but he had always liked being that thing Ling talked about- Support. Barely kept a hand on them being as close as he was!

All Lan Fan heard from that mess was a Lot of Goddamn Math and something about being priceless which— she supposed that particular thought was for Ling (she could agree there) but Greed immediately corrected her with an odd internal shake of the head. As a stone he also had a say in whether he took something, he picked her, and if that was the case then there you were.

It was a very limited club. Membership fees were astronomical but the perks were one of a kind. It was a shame that Ling called dibs, though if dibs weren't iron clad she'd be his choice.

The emperor(s) of Xing officially recognized The Dibs.

_Ick._

I know! 

Greed was aware he was not very lucky but to get a matching salt and pepper set like Ling straight out of the gate was a pretty big one. Ling's luck was probably responsible for it. He didn't like to be called a mooch but he would happily mooch off that good fortune whenever it presented itself. He doubted if it was ANYONE ELSE in Ling's predicament THEY'D BE UP FOR CRACKING JOKES- and walking. And talking. If they didn't have that good fortune. But Ling was fucking special.

Maybe Lan Fan would be conscious through sheer force of fucking will. They both just refused to die a lot of the time but Ling really struck it big. Still has all his digits, limbs, and… what he left the house with on organs.

Greed's anger had burned off enough to let him rationalize some of it. Really other than cosmetic damage he would be fine (like, relatively speaking) and it could have been waaaay worse given what Ling had chosen to speak about had mostly been a parade of a bunch of close calls. Nothing about what they would do later would be close, Greed promised, and Lan Fan would hold him to that. They’d be taking more than a little off the top- of most bodies.

Even though both her and Greed wanted to Die for what they did, Ling was happy to have a good cry. Part of him did know Greed was local, he was just being an idiot and had been stung just a few too many times to not react strongly. It was liberating and even though wailing for an hour had been for a lie, or an untruth at best, what he had experienced in the mountain was too raw to touch quite yet.

He'd been so detached. That was part of the reason he had been so cavalier bringing it up. It had almost happened to someone else, but really him being only half there for it— it almost had. Compartmentalizing was probably not healthy with this but if Ling knew Greed with compartments (Yup), there wouldn't be much he wouldn't get help to cope on. 

But most of those thoughts were background and hadn't hit him at the time. He was much more concerned the last day about Lan Fan and Greed though he didnt Voice the Greed concern because it was also /too scary/ to talk about. His reluctance brought on all that drama but... it had also finally forced what happened out of him so he would call it a net profit. Greed being so adamant about the promise part was... nice? Sort of reassuring in the biggest assholish way possible. No matter what seeing him and Lan Fan share a smile still made Ling very petulant. If he was in better spirits his two favorite people being One (kinda) person would be neat and he'd've had more fun with it. (He'd made overtures obviously but not nearly at his usual standard.)

It wasn't long ago, only hours!- That he'd been saying things like "JUST FINE OVER HERE!" and crying into his own soup instead of cannonballing over to where they were to enjoy it. So maybe him and Greed both needed to have a weird self serving temper tantrum, who fucking knew.

A nice plus of the thing was Lan Fan getting nice treatment forced on her. It was good for Ling to see it. Greed and him had been trying so hard with her- They just needed something horrible to happen to him to glue those two parts of the circuit together! So something good /had/ come out of it!

If Ling shivered despite the heat in the cave those two didn't say anything about it except to hand him another camp mug, this one with actual tea. Damn, did they pack everything? "What else is in that bag, were you planning to carry me home in it?"

"Didn't know what we'd need? Brought a lotta stuff. Coulda’ brought more stuff!" For some reason Greed scowled after saying that but went on, not dwelling on it. “We're getting a bag, Ling." 

"Okay!" He was surprised Greed didn't want to carry one already as you could put a lot of your own junk in a bag for easy transportation of more junk per capita.

And suddenly, very oddly, Ling knew it was Lan Fan that looked up at 'bag'. (Wild again to be interpreting those things from a third party perspective.) "Secret compartment." 

Ling clocked that she'd been the most quiet, bickering a bit with Greed but mostly in response to when Greed tipped her over to having to argue back. Ling had watched her shut her eyes when Greed had been going through her hair like a cat in the sun, which was so soft for her he honestly got confused. Lan Fan addressed him directly and did not look away with shame or anger but rather a touch of excitement.

"What, in your arm?” Ling asked. “Yeah- Greed showed me those, they are most advantageous."

"No. In the bag."

Greed was hastily untying them before she could get the whole fragment of a sentence out because a Thing? In his possession he did not Know? Hot dog!!

Lan Fan had forgotten it was originally her bag under her bed, filled with illicit things! Candy, to her, was Illicit!

Yes gimme gimme, but because it was hers Greed did ask her "?" even as he shuffled to the bag, to which she granted, _You can have it_. They both knew where it was going to go, but Greed could dole it out.

He liked that part of things, she knew.

Ling had been questioningly looking at their silent exchange. Greed flipped the bag over and did note a disparity between the thickness of the material. This was the type of bag he'd smuggle contraband in, where'd she pick it up? And- ah it was an assassin’s. That made sense.

What was in here before? 

_Drugs._

Fun drugs? 

_Make people dead drugs_.

Ah. Oh fuckin' YES chocolate. He pulled a hidden tie that was built into the seam of the bag and the bottom pulled up to show a few smashed but still very edible bars of the stuff.

Those went in your arm, then? he asked, referencing what he found before when he wasn't supposed to be snooping.

_Not one to waste things._

"Lan Fan held out on us! I did not, I truly forgot!" they both said as Greed came back over for a third time. "Got candy," he grinned and shuffled back up to Ling's side. He looked a little pale.

Greed scrutinized him, "What's up, out with it." 

By Ling's slight pause he looked to Lan Fan like he was going to try and lie but since Greed was asking he did not. "Side hurts." 

Greed couldn't do much for that right now, it was either liquor or pain killers and no mixes. Ling picked booze, probably to be cognizant with them rather than out on saturn. "Drink your tea and then we'll have some other stuff." He craned over to place the cup back in Ling's hands.

"Not really hungry." 

Lan Fan was going to have to try because Greed needed another break presently. "I will force feed you the tea."

Yeah, harsh, but clearly what Ling wanted to hear because he sipped half of it and looked less pale at the end. "I know I asked if you were okay but... wild right?" he prompted, making a general gesture at her. She knew what he was talking about because really only they could understand.

"Yes. There are many things that make sense and more that do not."

"No arm attacks?"

No, there hadn't been a one, even when the rain had hit, and she'd been carrying Ling for hours besides. 

"Weird with the everything he can do, huh?" 

Greed normally wouldn't let two people talk about him without him but this was important.

"Pretty good, huh?"

Lan Fan nodded a few times, hesitantly. It had been.

Ling knew she got a ton of stuff now, stuff he couldn't articulate. Greed was quiet but he always froze up with these types of admissions so nothing was amiss there.

"Giving him back though?" 

Gosh what the hell was her lord thinking? "My lord, if I could do it without hurting you or him right now I would do it."

"And you. Not hurting you."

She sighed, "And me."

"Okay."

"—Now, eat this chocolate before I do Ling, that's an order," Greed appeared and shoved a piece under Ling’s nose.

"Don't take orders," Ling stuck his nose up and opened one eye.

"I'm the senior officer here and I say eat this so you're stronger when I come back. Don't wanna accidentally consume your soul or nothin' when I'm looking for energy." Greed tapped Lings chest with a few fingers like he was checking the hollowness for the presence of said soul. 

Ling snickered and took a few bites. "Only for you will I eat this delicious chocolate," he cracked. 

"Am the boss around here," Greed assured him. He took a small piece before Ling insisted he do so.

Ling put the gnawed bar down with an assurance he'd eat the rest, it was just pretty rich and to give him a second. He took up the as then forgotten bottle. "Eh?" he asked, offering it up. 

Greed licked his lips but held up a hand. "Nope I'll be designated driver tonight and besides I alre-"

His hand shook a bit and guided itself over to the bottle. Greed looked down at Lan Fan's body in shock as he listened to what she had to say. "You? You want some? -You?-"

Ling guessed there was a positive answer on that because a very patented "huh" fell out of his mouth after another second.

Ling was also pretty gobsmacked.

Greed was still in control by how he was sitting but his mouth said, "Show me how," with Lan Fan’s inflections. "You already made me drink this when I was unconscious," she added. 

Ling paused in his surprise over Lan Fan to shoot Greed a very powerful side eye. 

Greed puffed his cheeks. Yeah, he did do that. Sort of! But also he was thirsty! Don't Look at him like that /Ling/.

It was a treat. For him! For doing a Very good job and being on watch!

_And that is why I did not rebuke it at the time, you child. Now show me like you're practically screaming to do._

He was Not. Little slip of a practical child calling Him a child- he'd show her alright— nasty little bao head. 

Ha! Oh that was good! Everybody needed a mean nickname, Ling had tons bestowed upon him by Greed and now he’d just found hers! Her head was like two baos stacked together! The round bao of her face. _No it is not!_ And the rounder bao of her bun. _No it ISN’T._

Hehehe, bao head. He never thought that he’d add that new word to his personal list of Lan Fan describers. Round didn’t seem appropriate, but if it fit it fit. 

  
  


Greed looked proud of himself for something, Ling was quite proud of himself too! Making sure to get drunk and only eat food they ate first so they couldn't drug him and go on a revenge tirade. Smooth as silk. They had kind of already promised they wouldn’t but just in case. He’d also told them only generalizations of what he learned even though he had access to /much/ more specific information. Furthermore, he had made a point of saying the mountain wasn’t going to have anyone left and how totally not worth it it was to go back. He’d covered his bases very nicely! He grinned sweetly behind a hand just for himself, he was not /that/ stupid! Or only when it benefited him he was. He was so pathetic and royally scrambled up they probably couldn't leave him by himself if they tried but it was always good to have back up plans! He was touched at the thought that he knew they wouldn't leave but didn’t really like thinking of himself as so weak. He did grant that he had already begged them not to go so there was really no deeper he could have dug. 

Greed had long changed his mind and even if he didn’t have a hanger-on that was also interested in staying he wouldn't have gone. Ling begging had done the trick among a lot of other factors. Normally Greed would have loved to see it in literally any other context but here he’d almost ripped the roof of the cave off. It was gonna take him a while to let this one go even with all the fun distractions.

“So Greed,” Ling tapped at Greed’s shoulder and nibbled on the bar of chocolate, breaking off a lower piece that hadn’t been in his mouth to hand over. “What would you say the rough shape of this cave we’re in is?”

Greed didn’t nurse his share of the chocolate, “Uh trash heap? About a Lan Fan tall?” There were some other adjectives he could throw around but Ling’s expectant air said they probably wouldn’t be right. 

“Concave!” Ling gloated. Both Lan Fan and Greed united to give their face a lost look. “‘Cause there’s a bunch of liars in it?” the rapidly in danger emperor spelled out. 

“FUCK OFF,” Greed had his hands on Ling before he noticed. It was nice of him to not flinch even then, but it /had/ been his intent to get something like this reaction. Greed adjusted his grip, clutching him by the chin so as to not mess with any bandaged areas. He coughed around the sip off the bottle he’d had in his mouth and he’d blame that on Lan Fan’s inexperience. 

“YOU.” Greed snarled. Calling him a liar and the shitty pun!? Fucking childish prat. 

Ling was elated, how he’d missed this! 

Lan Fan thought that it was all childish and that this ‘hooch’ they so loved tasted horrible. Greed’s dumb naming conventions shouldn't get her, being so simplistic- a schoolyard level taunt, but they did. It just wasn’t her speed, she wasn’t used to it! If the children she’d grown up with wanted to taunt another it had been more than words flung at the other party. Especially when the insults between them both were being hurled in the same way Greed talked to animals. Saying things like ‘dirty and horrible’ while petting a palace cat. It did not make sense. 

Calling Ling a stupid idiot and then immediatly giving him chocolate, saying that she was a bao girl and taking care to retie her scarf so it sat as it always did. It was a rag, she did not know why he bothered. 

-

What those two morons didn’t know was that it all fell under ‘maintenence’ to Greed. 

Ling was on his way to fine, actually fine and not what he'd been telling himself was fine for literally days. When he was alone it was easier to keep lying, he only had himself to convince but as Ling thought back on it Greed had picked and picked at him with no way to know what had actually happened until he just couldn't take it anymore. Ling didn't know whether to thank him for that or start hitting him again.

The being alone had set a lot of things off. He was a master of 'it's fine' and he had to be to duck those particular two. Those secret other fears had grown out of the fertile ground of his vulnerability, that this shit was too hard so Greed would leave. How pretty much everyone did. How, until recently- too damn recently, he didn't have anyone besides two guards and him against his entire world. How this event reminded him that the new world he built was fragile as the peace he was fostering officially. Lan Fan and Greed had their own problems with understanding each other but they weren't as bad as his own!

What Ling didn't realize was that the challenge was fun, didn't realize that anything of Greed’s was going to receive the best upkeep, especially if it was needlessly complicated. What he didn't /realize/ was that it was no fun at all if it was easy! Greed knew it wasn't gonna be, that was the whole damn thing! Ling and Lan Fan just needed to get on the same page.

Lan Fan was dizzy again but it wasn't concussion dizzy, thankfully. Those two morons had so many problems. As the third party she could see it plainly. She judged it that they had no emotional literacy! Them knowing each other so well but refusing to give themselves the same courtesy. It was a perfect storm, a veritable nightmare. 

-What a fucking shit tornado, if Ling and her had only said some shit in the beginning-

-This was a mess, if the typhoon outside was bad it didn't hold a candle to some of the things Ling had picked up in here.

Those two were so stupid.

Them two were dumb.

Both of them were imbeciles.

Lan Fan sucked a breath. If they were trapped here then she would make use of their time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woo hoo! 200k special, lads, ladies, and other members of the gentry! Did I think I'd take the joke way too far and produce this? Maybe. I take things too far sometimes. But, regardless, it's a hell of an accomplisment and I'll take it. I've also been upping a lot of doodles of various bits over on my tumblr (atomicpowered) if you're interested in those. I can't speak for the quality but there is a Lot of quantity! Anyways, have happy holidays, y'all. And a happy new year too!
> 
> Some notes: the currency name was a fun hour long wiki dive into me kludging something together from chinese and japanese currencies of the time. Plus cenz and en sound nice. As greed says, they're on the silver standard, and if a cenz is a penny an en is about a dime.


	27. Foreign Policy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Literally trapped in a bell jar the three talk about goals, aspirations, and telling each other what the hell to do!

Ling and Greed both got the identical feeling that their place of some respite had turned into a pressure cooker.

"Hey." Ling was not used to Lan Fan garnering his attention with a “Hey.” but by the confused look Greed had hijacked her to emote it certainly wasn't him.

It was time to not mess around and bullshit for a second more, Lan Fan thought, wind in her sails, liquid courage in her veins, (there was nothing really courageous about Greed for the moment. Wrong liquid). They could get something done if they tag teamed. If they switched off the “acting competent" role fast enough they could all pretend to have some grasp of what they were doing. They would do it, quickly, before she lost her nerve.

If Greed’s general thoughts that she wasn't ashamed to say she snooped in were any clue, they all had some deep insights to share. This was now a work vacation. She had visited most of her flaws on this trip so she could be referee. Having given up already she was probably best equipped for the position.

Greed quailed back.  Noooooo.

"My lord. Homunculus. We have some things to speak about." 

Greed already knew what she wanted and Ling learned in a few sentences of her explanation amidst Greed's groans of complaint. His precious buzz!

She took another sip of the foul concoction, pointing at her body (Greed by proxy) and her majesty one after the other, "HAMMER IT OUT." 

Alright. Moaning wasn't gonna get him outta it. Greed did have some proposals. It was just like salespeople that went to bars and restaurants to make deals. They could have an alright time, eat, and do this too. Same fucking gist!! They were going to hash shit out.

Ling knew she was serious and Greed had that look on his face that surfaced when he was going to talk acquisitions. Lan Fan had already been emotionally broken and rebuilt due to admitting this ever even happened so she just seemed to be coasting. This was an /interesting/ dynamic. Okay! He could always use another backwoods impromptu psychology session. It was oddly nostalgic!

Lan Fan was very good at seeing her own flaws and she could swallow her pride. Maybe if those two could pull either of those things off without shirking it until the last second they could be better… beings.

Her and Greed were at a level of intimate she usually only shared with a doctor so there wasn't much deeper she could dig. There was no 'downhill' and there was no hill to die on.

"Your maj- Ling ah- my lord-" Some habits were harder to break, "shut up and listen. Listen to what I… and Greed have to say." She winced and the wooden tower of the fire next to them fell inward in the same moment, "He has some…. 

...

Points." 

Greed was too preoccupied with being dead somewhere in the background to back her up.

Ling had been ready to listen but Lan Fan siding with Greed- okay, this was serious. They began to parley. Ling opened with a few general observations, used to that being the way of things from court. Greed reared a few times but didn't outright deny things like he might have in the past. That was normal, he and Ling had been working stuff out periodically. Ling tossed a few softballs out, unlike when he was in court he didn't go directly for heartblood. Instead he just brought up some basic organizational disputes as Greed and Lan Fan worked out their own proposals. Greed was more used to debating with Ling than Lan Fan. Lan Fan wasn't used to this at all. Ling took care to remember that. 

"Well the thing is I've been having a lot of problems," Greed volunteered. Ling and Lan Fan perked up, this was new. "Life had been so hard for me before, you know?" They leaned in. Greed scratched the back of their head, "Being so sexy? Life had been just such a /burden/ for meE- ACK." Lan Fan had apparently found a way to make him hurt in there if Ling was any expert on it. Greed begging for mental assistance so obviously really brought him back to the old days.

Referee was the perfect role, Lan Fan shaved hours off what this talk could have looked like with anyone else. She wasn't going to deal with their usual glancing blows. If she was going to tiredly be the third wheel she was going to do it well. It was time for her banner to unfurl.

"We are Killing Ourselves here, we need to change some things. No more circles, straight lines when it comes to things between us," she said adamantly. They could confuse others, she did not care, but this lack of communicating-?

Greed smiled attentively, "We?"

"YES /WE/," she exhaled, "ARE YOU GOING ANYWHERE?"

He supposed he wasn't, no.

"WE ADAPT TO /THIS/ OR WE DIE." The 'this' the two men were aware of was their pretty fucked up life situation.

"Adapt or Die could be the clan Yao motto right there," Ling joked.

"Honest to shit," Greed agreed. They both nodded in assent to what she was saying. The bulk of what they had been doing was okay but on the small scale stuff they did need some changes. "I already brought it up with you but remember what I said about laying off Lan Fan. And /you/,” he pointed aggressively at Ling, “pain in our ass. When I say stop you stop."

They both had no problem with that.

Medically speaking Greed was the senior mind in the cave by many years. While he was on the Ling tangent- "You," he indicated Ling again, "are also bedridden as long as I say you are. To Start."

Ling moped. He knew that was coming. "Okay."

"And Lan Fan, I don't claim to tell you what to do but stay DOWN. Five, six days, maybe. I'm holding you the fuck up and it ain't about to be pretty when you drop."

"Okay."

"I'M OUT HERE BEING PRACTICAL SO WE ARE REALLY FUCKED UP, OKAY?"

She put a hand on their hip, "I have said Okay."

Greed fizzled in his tracks, "Not used to immediate okays, give me a bit." It was something he maybe needed to learn how to deal with in his own time. Almost like they were going to duke it out they had stood up. It was hard to fling accusations and advice at each other sharing the same blanket.

Opening remarks behind them an acceptable armistice of sorts cropped up, they weren’t sure how to take things going well. Ling especially so. If this was court he’d be suspicious if his adversaries ‘gave up’ so easily— but, he had to remind himself, his current company was about as far removed from adversaries as was possible. (Though Greed might say something in opposition.)

Greed disliked silences. Time for the meat and potatoes. He had a good one he could bring the hell up! "YOUUUU," he snarled at Ling for the second time that hour. Ling had the feeling that this time wasn't gonna be as fun for him as the first one. Greed had backed up to pace and circle Ling as he laid out demands. He couldn’t really do that to Lan Fan but he’d tried his best at conveying the feeling. On discovery of his new hottest topic he stomped back close to jab his finger right in Ling's dumb face. Yeah. /Yeah/. He had a Real good one!

"DO I EVER GIVE ANYTHING UP?"

That question had not been rhetorical but Ling was a little stunned at the tonal shift and didn't really have an answer.

"AS IT IS YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO PRY ME OUTTA LAN FAN BECAUSE YOU'RE /PATHETIC/," Greed went on.

Ling rubbed an arm. "Hey."

Shaking her head, Lan Fan swept her arms out, "Oh no, you are going first opportunity. The second Mei gets here and flings her knives around the joy ride ends. We are not starting the 'will they won't they' circle again. It has only been days but it feels like Years I have had to put up with this."

"Not what I meant!" Greed was just trying to impress upon them both that they were IMPORTANT. Lan Fan got a jumble of thoughts that amounted to 'It's actually hard for me to pick one of ya's and I say pry as a compliment.'

"LING, WHAT THE FUCK. DID YOU GROW SELF ESTEEM ISSUES WHILE I WAS GONE? WE HAVE TONS OF ESTEEM," Greed said. Lan Fan got it now, Ling was being pathetic on the provision that if he wanted something he should stick to his guns about it. Greed would be rather particular about something like that. 

They had a view of just Ling's bangs as he tilted his head down, "Well...because... and you know and…" 

Greed looked, if possible, more incredulous. "NO I DO NOT KNOW. WE ARE SO FUCKING GREAT. AND YOU ARE GREAT IN THE SENSE THAT I AM THERE IMPROVING EVERYTHING." Thunder rumbled, though Ling scoffed loud enough to be heard over it.

"There is not much to improve with Lan Fan," Greed finished, smiling wide and touting proudly how she tolerated him.

_Shut up_.

No! 

Even though they were all actively trying to understand and be understood the main champion of the evening was the bottle that was being passed freely between them during all of this, it being the grease their wheels needed. It did not take much with Ling, a couple swallows got him well on his way. Lan Fan was a known lightweight. 

"Ling, I put up with that inaugural months-long camping trip for what? My health? I coulda' just dipped and stayed within a ten mile radius of town," Greed elaborated, specifically touching on a heavier point to show how things were different. 

"You wanted it!" Ling argued. 

Greed did want it but Ling had wanted it as well. It was an overture for him trying the thing where they could both have something. Sharing. "This emperor shit is CAKE."

Ling was immediately unconvinced.

"Or, not cake but— lemme put a pin in that. Getting back to You and Your Problems. Lan Fan I can't take any credit on, she was already great but YOU I built up from SCRATCH. No Way am I letting that effort go to waste! Yes the job can be annoying sometimes but I signed up knowing Lots. Of. Things. Would be annoying," Greed poked Ling in time with his ending remarks, implying a lot with his inflection. Ling thought he was poking harder than strictly necessary.

"Sure but-"

"DO I JUST ABANDON A COOKING PROJECT FOUR HOURS DEEP?"

"No." Ling nudged a rock with his foot.

Greed booted the rock out of reach. "NO! WASTE OF TIME AND EFFORT! AND I DON'T /DO/ WASTE! DO I LEARN AN ENTIRE LANGUAGE FOR FUNSIES?" This part of what was rapidly becoming a speech was said entirely in Xingese with exception to 'funsies', it having no direct translation.

"Some people do!" Al learned languages!" 

Greed gasped sarcastically. "I DON'T LEARN. /SHIT/. FOR ANY REASON." Ling knew this! Everything Greed learned was against his will! It was much the same with Ling! "I ONLY -INVEST- IF THERE IS /RETURN/. I KNOW YOU'VE DONE ECONOMICS, LING, YOU KNOW WHAT AN R.O.I IS."

Ling didn't need Greed talking smack, if he was so incensed about it and so set on it then where was that return!? "WELL-- THEN WHAT DO YOU GET?"

Oh my Fucking- Lan Fan. Lan Fan. Greed brought the softer of their hands up to rub his eyes.

And Lan Fan hated to admit it but Wow. Her boy had, ah, 'fucked that one up'. She took a pity swig out of the bottle she found she still held just for him. Ling was on a rare losing streak these past half dozen hours.

"My lord, often times the simplest answer is usually the right one-" 

Greed interrupted her, being too overcome to speak never lasted long with him. "Oh I don't /knoooow/ LING," he drawled. "How about my family SUCKED. YOUR FAMILY /MOSTLY/ SUCKS?"

"Well... well is that enough?" Ling interlaced his fingers distractedly. Greed's familial status notwithstanding it didn't seem like a good trade-

-and an extra camp mug went sailing out of the hole to clang outside distantly.

"ENOUGH? ENOUGH HE SAYS." _Breathtaking really, I know of denial but my lord is a once a century prodigy._ "LING IS HALF A COUNTRY AND A FAMILY AND FRIENDS AND MONEY AND CAMARADERIE AND PEOPLE THAT CARE AND SUBORDINATES AND A GANG AND SERVANTS AND PRACTICALLY ANY MATERIAL GOOD AND BEING LITERAL ROYALTY ENOUGH? YOU THINK?" Air audibly hissed from Greed's nostrils hotly. "YOU LOVED JUDGING THAT HOLE IN MY PSYCHE BACK WHEN YOU FIRST CALLED IT OUT, YOU TELL ME." Scrap thoughts swirled like errant trash in an abandoned parking lot. Greed took a loooonng pull off that bottle. He'd used the F word and not the fun one, he wasn't coming back from this. Lan Fan encouraged it, she had her reservations about things but goodness pretty much anyone didn't deserve this.

If it was way back when Greed would have probably have bailed at duress like this but he wasn’t gonna leave- Ling… Ling's ask of him aside Greed wasn’t a fucking coward. He tried to stop his pull before it became a guzzle but Lan Fan stayed his hand. _No do not stop on my account, I can handle it. There you go, really tip it back._ She'd laugh at how opposite this situation had ended up but she was still too amazed.

In fairness Ling was also not on his 'A' game from the swigs he'd taken so he was slower than he really should be. It took an extra ten to fifteen seconds for the words to reach his brain. Audio lag.

"Um." There they were.

"WE HAD THIS CONVERSATION ALREADY. I DON'T CHANGE MY MIND FOR SHIT. Look at Xing!" Greed further underlined how damn long it took for Ling to get him to even agree to go to a new place.

"Well-"

"My lord there is no 'well' here." Lan Fan elected to help Greed out, there really was no clearer he could be on his own.

"But you were tired!" Ling said, an edge to his voice.

"YES /WE/ WERE TIRED. IT'S BEEN TIRING. Which is WHY more than what I listed would be BAD. A THING I DON'T USUALLY SAY!" They'd both been wiped! 

"IT WAS GETTING BETTER AND WITH LAN FAN'S HELP- hey you're down for that right-?" Greed asked her, kind of belatedly.

"Of course?"

"WITH HER HELP IT'LL BE BETTER STILL. A country isn't made to be run by one person it's a fucking fool’s errand- two is even pushing it." More hands meant lighter work and while they only had four(ish) to the three personages present that was better than what they started with. The rest of Ling’s and his underlings could continue to choke, though. 

Ling looked rather fazed, "What will people think?" 

What in the hell? Two and a half weeks without him and the kid's spine had apparently reached the exact consistency of a fancy pudding. "Ling are you Broken? DO WE CARE? DO WE CARE EVER."

"No?"

No they did not! "Lan Fan, we are going to Teach not to care! You're down for that too right?" Greed asked.

She blinked. "... yes."

"Let me lay it out. When you are the literal LAW you make The Rules AND MY VOTE IS 'CAUSE HER BRAIN IS GOOD WE UTILIZE IT."

_Thank you Greed I am glad to know my brain is ‘good’_.

"IT'S BETTER THAN LING'S." There wasn't even a 'hey' to punctuate that new insult because, yeah, no new news there. Ling's was full of Greed shaped holes, of course it was bad.  Jack o' lantern with no candle.

_A what?_

Later. 

"We have an Untapped Resource," Greed enunciated, clapping the syllables in the important phrase with his hands.

_Resource?_

"Classism is Stupid and I only keep it when it benefits me except when I don't like it. Which is now. If I don't like it it doesn't benefit me- the system works."

She really did not think it was how it worked but he was on a roll and this time she knew he really did have a point.

"Lan Fan is our eyes and ears in places Ling, we /need her/. Like I also need her 'cause she's letting me use her voice box but WE need her," Greed said. They jointly did, more than ever.

Greed raised his arms to the ceiling, gesturing hard. "NOT LIKE SHE HASN'T ALREADY BEEN A MAJOR DRIVING FORCE IN SETTING UP THE NEW COUNTRY RULEBOOK, BY THE BY. SAW THAT SHE WAS HAD TO BE THE ONE TO BRING UP NOT BEATING UP THE OTHER CLANS, THERE. LING YOU DON'T KNOW BECAUSE WE HAVEN'T BEEN TALKIN... which…also a mistake." He almost lost the thread but managed to hit the finish line, or something of one. "SHE'S MADE CONTRIBUTIONS."

Lan Fan knew what he was trying for and her lord did as well if his calculating look meant what she thought it did.

They hadn't been talking, him and Ling, because they'd barely seen each other. A real skill to pull off when they basically were each other. They were tired too, more tired than they should have been, and it had caused the first and biggest mistake of them splitting in the first place. Greed had rooted out the cause, catching shut eye with Lan Fan had reminded him. "No more every day shifts! Trading off with a high five is leaving holes in our shit! You don't run your employees into the ground. You hire more help, that's how functional businesses Work!"

"Am I employees?" Lan Fan asked, swaying.

Greed smiled wildly, "Yes you /are/ employees. Promoted!"

Ling spoke up, "You don't have the authority to promote My bodyguard." Did pudding spine have something to finally say? Too bad they weren't listening.

"Shut up, Ling," Greed said.

"Yes lord, shut up. Ling never promoted me," Lan Fan said, speaking aloud to Greed to throw her emperor under the bus. How liquid mouth grease oiled up rusty joints!

"YOU NEVER PROMOTED HER? HOW LONG YOU BEEN WITH US?" Greed yell-asked Lan Fan.

"More than ten years."

"-LING-?" Greed questioned, shocked.

'WHAT WOULD I EVEN PROMOTE HER TO? Thought it was implied she was promoted!! Was already the head guard!!" He threw a log into the fire to feed it and ironically also did the same with actual wood.

Greed really had to do everything around this joint, "Fucking make shit up! Give her a medal, a plaque, bonus- /Something/."

"I do not need recognition," Lan Fan frowned.

"AND I DON'T /NEED/ A TUB I CAN SWIM IN BUT THINGS ARE NICE. You LIKED when I said promoted even though it didn't mean shit." This was where the brainmeld shit came in handy because he was entirely on the mark.

Greed thrust the bottle at Ling, "Now take this and take a drink you fucking idiot."

Ling accepted it and did as Greed demanded but not because he told him to.

"More, tip it higher, I know you can do it. I believe in you." Kind words of encouragement reserved only for times like these. Greed flicked his fingertips in 'come on, come on' while Ling drank. "Okay good." He motioned 'stop'. "You won't be feeling that shit in a little while, medicine or no." 

"I hope so," Ling said, wiping his mouth. By his stance and that his voice was less quivery Greed could tell it was kicking in nice. 

Greed took back the bottle, that was enough for Ling. Attending to the other one in the cave, he wondered if she would like the honors of finishing it off? 

She would.

Very good! 

_Tastes not so good!_ Lan Fan admitted.

"Yeah, this stuff isn't meant for a refined experience and excuse me, Ling," Greed jostled by him to go to the entrance and broke the now empty bottle on the rocks there, handing the part with the neck to him. "For you to sleep with tonight." 

Ling Knew he was probably one of the safest people in Xing but awww, /a shiv/! He took the weapon, "Thanks Greed!" With anyone else that 'thanks' would be confused at best or offended at worst but Ling got the meaning behind the odd and frightening act.

It was a symbol that they cared while verbally reaming him out, a sort of comfort object since Ling obviously missed the sharp one he usually had with him. His usual 'shiv' of a safety blanket to yell and lecture him would be back soon, the gesture said.

"We are giving you a /weapon/ even though we are heated and drunk," Greed said, supporting Ling's thoughts on the gift. "I mean hahaha, y'know you couldn't fuck with us right now even with that but that's not what I'm about." There was the warm face and words that ran together a little thickly. What had been in that bottle was indeed not for refined experiences but it did do it's magic quickly.

Greed wanted to tie some of what he wanted to say off so he could enjoy the buzz. "So before we sit back down and stop throwing things, we listen to what everyone's saying. We stop riding each other so hard, we Update Everyone On Shit," he listed, "I'm for SURE GOING BACK TO LING, BECAUSE I GUESS HE NEEDS TO HEAR IT AGAIN. Lan Fan you are a DELIGHT, and the things in this cave are about eighty percent of what I care about on this earth. DO NOT MAKE ME ELABORATE." There. That was good. Now her turn. "Lan Fan, your turn."

She straightened her back.

  
  


"I am going to throw up."

\---

So— after that, her head soaked because she did it out of the cave mouth and after Greed apologized some two dozen times. (He hadn't been watching how fucked up she got, sorry.)

She said; "What he said," while she washed her mouth out. "Majesty, your turn."

"What you both said."

Her and Greed paused to rake the admission up and down.

_No, right?_

Nope! 

"COP OUT." Greed agreed, verbally so Ling would know.

"HOW!?" He didn't seem pleased by their judgement.

"YOU AREN'T IN ONE HUNDRED PERCENT." Greed knew conviction because it was a pretty adjacent emotion to desire. Ling’s especially he knew like the back of his own damn hand. Ling wasn't fully in, he had some reservations, no, no, no. Not happening.

Lan Fan was pretty blurry even after giving up a lot of that soup, damn her metabolism, but she could still reason. Her lord didn't have 'reservations' about things. No, no. Inaccurate. Odd. It needed one hundred percent or no deal.

"If... I… no, I mean Greed. If Greed okay whoof…" she held her head. "If Greed gets half and you are not in one hundred percent that is um... diminished return." She made an effort to bridge the gap by speaking the infernal language Greed had been trying to teach her. Albeit a touch muzzy on some of the specifics but she thought the message came through.

"Fuckin' yes my lord— wait. Uh. You gotta go all in, like Lan Fan told you. You know what a gamble really means, your majesty. Wait. Okay, okay." Greed endeavored to sit. "We gotta back off, hold on my Ling." 

Ling sat as well, they looked to be gettin' a little tilted in there! "Goin' a little bit purple in there red and blue?” He asked. Hard booze and similar goals ended up in odd mixtures sometimes as he and Greed had occasionally found out. The trick was to also talk to each other to keep things separated. Both those two were tired, pretty weak, drunk, totally open (if how glib their trading off had been a clue) but not used to that yet. Similar thought patterns— all the building blocks were there.

Greed had a running thought that the degrees of their state may also affect his eye color but he hadn't checked.

Ling totally understood, he could wait while they untangled themselves. He picked up the chocolate bar to gnaw on it and was proud he had not been the one to hurl like Greed insinuated he would be. He watched while they mumbled— yeah out loud was probably better. This was exactly why this dumb mess was good, Lan Fan was getting to experience a lot of the high /and/ lowlights. Or really just the stuff that hit the middle on ‘just plain weird’. The less mind fuckery Ling had to try and verbally explain the more sanity he got to keep.

His attempts with openers like “-and so you know when it's like-!" and then only complicated hand gestures and sounds for a minute had not gone over well. Maybe it was because Greed and her were both very individual but Lan Fan was really checking off some of the more unorthodox boxes of he and Greed's usual arrangement. Ling theorized that she was more used to being background so Greed was taking her up a little easier. It was not really dominance related because Ling knew she was pretty strong but more like Greed just had a rhythm. They must have been very aligned the last few hours... and Ling realized /who/ exactly they had been aligned for with a judicious application of some hindsight. Ah hah.

Greed no matter what was made to be the lead with his biological make up. Ling had to work for eveness for some time, both with the mental game and just figuring it out like a new piece of muscle memory. Obviously Lan Fan wasn't dealing with what he started with but Ling had watched the signs of how it flipped up under her easily.

His and Greed’s deal may have been on and off but two years was some time for shit to get established.

She had a very productive two days and wasn't really a 'team player' but her natural drive of 'want to be the best, will be the best' had been chugging right along. Ling had to do exactly what they were doing right now with Greed so he did not feel left out, more just envious he didn't have tickets for the front row as he watched them put their head between their knees and breathe deeply.

-

So that's- OKay that's where me is and that's where You is. Greed took lead, he had the experience, and was kicking apart some of their bigger conceptual representations of the self so they could fucking think.

 _Greed alcohol is hard,_ Lan Fan said in a tone a hell of a lot like the one she had when she was concussed. What was good booze but a concussion in a bottle? 

Greed did not like being reminded of how chicken shit scared he'd been those hours so he redoubled his efforts. Separate. Separate.

Okay, okay, what does Lan Fan like? 

_Ling_ , she answered with no hesitation.

Yeah! Ling was good! Wait no. DIFFERENT THINGS. It had to be different things. Like he liked cooking and his many rock collections, precious or otherwise. 

Different. Okay different! _Greed._

Greed rocked backward, eyes wide. "WHOA THAT SOBERED ME UP, HELLO."

Ling had scooted close, putting the blanket back on them. Her head was wet. "You good Greed?"

Greed shook his head, for focus and not as a 'no', "Ling serious question, no bullshit."

"Uh huh, what we agreed on, yeah."

"Lan Fan likes me?"

"Yeah probably?"

_Do not ask me to elaborate._

For someone who acted so cocky Greed's imposter syndrome was surreal. Confident all the time, 'yeah who WOULDN'T love being around me' and then as soon as he found out people actually did like being around him he shorted like a dummy fuse. He got on fine at the Nest because everyone there was actually VERY open with him and it was a pretty dang trusting environment on the whole. But it'd been a while and stuff had happened. A lifetime's worth in only years.

Dealing with the people in Xing, ESPECIALLY people like Ling who were very intentionally not obvious with their true opinions or feelings threw him for some wild loops. Getting busted up and remade a few times had made things kinda tenuous like Ling had said and Greed wasn't gonna use a nice word like kintsugi when he thought about how he'd remained together. He'd let himself get involved, he may have been a mess before all this but he'd only hide it and let it fester distancing himself as much as possible. Throwing that particular mix into the dark to ferment only drudged up vinegar.

Not one to undersell himself, he'd lately been playing the game of 'bend over backwards for people, expect nothing for real in return'. (He might SAY someone owed him but Lan Fan and even Ling, when he wasn't willfully ignorant, knew how that was.) Lan Fan and Greed had spoken about how they maybe needed to say no to Ling but Ling possibly needed to learn how to say it as well. In the interest of stopping Greed from busting his entire ass over helping people like him, or feeling like he had to earn… something.

Ling might have been the worst offender but Lan Fan was tough too, that was until she had her bell rung and decided it all had to come out at once; the tough cookie crumbling into a mess of crumbs. She should have been swooping in to break them up with a stick but, without her new perspective, she hadn't realized how bad it had gotten. Greed running ragged wasn't the only problem, Ling was also dumping a lot of himself into his profession— to catch up for past jerking around.

Greed's memories were as open to her as her own. Pulling up some examples of Ling overworking she noticed a lot of them running off was actually for /reasons/. Not all of it, or they had run off for multiple plans, but much more than she thought. It was their standard finagle. What she discovered was the standard, she'd had no idea this was their standard. "So I hadn't seen you in six hours and that was actually meeting with a trade union under guise of taking a nap? And when you were supposed to be at that contract signing you were on the floor of the biggest auction house in the city finalizing a small raise on taxes with the sales within?" 

Ling nodded, hesitantly. There'd been a small skip in what the topic was again. 

Greed was still hung up on the fact she tolerated him. It was not that important! _Greed just knock it off. Absorb that amazing revelation later, why did you not tell me?!_

I didn't think you cared what I did! 

And... oh gosh DARN IT maybe she /was/ drunk but- wait a moment. Greed was doing his half emperor schtick all the time, so— he was actually doing emperor stuff. Annnnd she had /expressly/ told him many times she didn't care. Because she refused to acknowledge he was pulling emperor shifts at all. Because in her mind he was just The Thing That Makes Ling Goof Off and is Gross. 

So I stopped tryin' to say 'cause it's okay, you don't have to care. He said it with enough genuity and intent to help that she felt rancid. 

She did not know and she should have!- "But why the secrecy?"

"If people know where we are we get bothered and held up a ton so I, Ling and me really, drop in and confuse people, tell people other things, and basically have a ton of appointments and meetings we either say we MIGHT cancel or move around or show up to the last second. /Or/.. we plainly... well Ling does it, lie, and do something else. Right Ling?" Greed explained.

"Uh huh! It works the best because we get over the literal hours of red tape that is opening remarks and other things! And dropping in nearly unannounced (we still toe the line of proper timekeeping) keeps people honest and ha! -Scares them shitless," he laughed. 

Him and the homunculus shared an eerily similar nasty grin.

There was no mistake, this misunderstanding was HER, uh, 'bad'. She should have been more involved without writing... them /both/ really, off. She could remember Greed trying to tell her things and her giving him the brush off. That wasn't... that wasn't fair.

S'okay. I get it. 

_No, but-_

He sort of held up all her complicated nest of two years worth of feelings on him and reiterated,  No really, I get it. 

_Sorry._

Didn't have to give me that but I Will take it. 

Greed had been the one doing a lot of the background work, the forms, the contracts, the rougher language and words, some smaller meeting scutwork— a lot of the down and dirty emperor stuff. Ling meanwhile was best up front: In the big meetings, speaking, dodging the political minefield, relations.

Of course sometimes he needed to tag Greed in (or Greed tagged himself in), but Ling was more prepared for a lot of that mess. Therefore Greed would either catch naps on the easier ones, keep half an ear on what was taking place while working on planning something else, or with the most difficult times they'd both need to be present. Then Ling, who'd be at them for HOURS, and they were probably the most draining thing really, would sleep while Greed did the stuff that was more lonesome.

And Ling had felt bad for it, he'd really been isolating Greed with how things had been going so he worked really hard to give him things to get him out among tons of people! By their outbursts he saw Lan Fan hadn't found the shape of their plans. Messy, messy- (his fault!). He could have intervened and told her straight to listen to Greed, he'd been keeping all That organized and pointing him in the direction of the next thing he needed to be at. Which, given he was nearly unconscious between those slogs, looked something like:  Wake up, wake up, Ling. Okay, two p.m., We're meeting with those land guys, the bigger one is sly don't fall for his victim act, he's gotta ton of assets in the bank he doesn't feel like telling anyone about. Think you can handle it? Just get me up if it starts to go sour. 

_Yeah I got it!_

A literal high five and Greed was conked in less than thirty seconds.

Ling informed Greed of the gist of the isolation point, how it wasn't fair and he'd thought about it a lot during his own isolation. 

Greed sliced the air, interrupting Ling's shit opinion. "I -chose- to do those things, I'm better at them than smiling pretty and listening and biting people like a hidden snake like You do, and I wasn’t alone! Had you!"

The shit that Greed could just -say-. "I was asleep! For most of it!" Ling hedged.

"Yeah you were still /there/! If I wanted your input you got up and we talked!"

"You were happy with just that?" He couldn't have been happy actually working for so long, Greed was as much a free spirit as he was. Roping him to a desk was cruel. 

"Not fucking really," Greed admitted, "but it's been a tough month or two especially! I was willing to suck it up cause we only had another few weeks and a lot of new shit we stirred up would be settled! It was fine!" A few weeks meant nothing to him in the grand scale of things. Even when the paperwork was thick it wasn’t ever totally boring. They still had many types of interruptions and as well as the shitty regicide attempts. Those always lit a fire under him. 

Even Lan Fan could see it was Actually Fine, not the Ling fine. She still had something to ask, "What about those times you left!?" Yes some had been for actual reasons but not all.

"I was doing it mainly for Greed." 

"For Ling's benefit, mainly."

-

A big three person wide hole of silence shuddered open. Lan Fan came to sense first from the stunned pall. She could see Ling's pretty unguarded face and -hear- Greed’s -don't get me wrong, I was having fun too but oh my shit-

They had already agreed to talk more so that was done but WOW. And two of them lived in each other's heads! She claimed to know the one as well!

You do. We haven't been acting like we should, obviously. 

Ling had slapped a palm to his forehead.

Lan Fan could see Greed Liked going out and Seeing things but he was nearly just as content with nights in and some favorites. He could be patient for the other stuff. If those nights featured her there he could be /real/ patient!

Nudge nudge. 

_OKAY._ “Didn't you say you had talking down to a science?” Lan Fan accused. That old conversation seemed to have taken place eons ago for how much bearing it had on her current state of mind.

“Well fuck, to talk good you had to talk and we have not been doing that NEARLY ENOUGH.”

So- they sat with their shitty blanket and as the booze made things easier they Talked. Some of it was important and some wasn't, and while Lan Fan had less to say than those two by a mile she was listening and she still made her opinion known. Maybe a few of the cackles Greed loosed from her mouth she rode on top of because she wasn't used to such a loud display of mirth but much like many things she put her mind to she could learn to tolerate it too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hoof, winter is tough for me but I hope you enjoy this update! Everybody has been giving some really kind comments lately and I'm really touched about it! This conversation has honestly been a long time coming!
> 
> Also I doubt Xing knows Halloween, much less jack-o-lanterns.


	28. Ignorance is Bliss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Or is it that knowledge is power?

A fast metabolism and not much to eat for two someones that were used to getting kicked the hell out of places where ‘all you can eat’ was on the sign meant that the booze worked its course through their systems fast.

Historically, liquor was used to take the edge off and Lan Fan was basically all edges so hooray for that. Greed was reluctant to open his last bottle because there would be no telling when they could get more and he doubted heavily that Ed’s group thought to bring anything except maybe the type of alcohol meant to clean /wounds/. That would be sampled only if he got desperate, he guessed. He wasn’t one to turn his nose up at cooking sherry so-

Regardless, he still had the warmth in his fingertips that signified a good time so a blanket wrap and Ling’s not so incipient blabbering were fine and dandy. 

Ling had reached that good zen of a nice quieting of the consuming pain he’d been in, a clearer head from a lot of his (now blessedly for sure dumb and unfounded) worries, and the calm of a promise. He was full of regret from making the snap decision of denying Greed that same peace on the subject of promises because damn, even though words were the flimsiest thing one could offer when it came with a side of conviction and trust that the other party would -follow through- they had some weight! Whoops! Silly him, he’d forgotten in his anxiety riddled woolgathering sessions how he was supposed to be the one that ‘didn’t go back’ on his promises and what exactly that would mean to someone else. 

He gave Greed a large piece of chocolate. Words weren’t all he could offer. “I just wanna say I was a /real/-” Greed shook his head no on Ling continuing his thought, but did take the treat. They had both acted like shit so Ling would drop that one but he could always own up to a more specific thing. “Alright. How about the rat jar thing? I owe you for that.” It had been pretty funny though.

“Save it, we got even with each other.” They had, and that was all well within the rules of their usual fights but Ling clinging to their pant leg so tightly hammered home how much Greed thought he may have horribly gotten the ‘upper hand’ in that new skirmish. 

“Right. Figured I’d bring it up anyway ‘cause you were acting so weird when we got here.” Ling had cut the tension down to barely a ghost of what it was but Greed… and Lan Fan-? Had undoubtedly been upset. Ling wanted to know, and with their new banner of ‘talk it out’ to march under he wanted to take a stab at what had gone on in there without him. They’d begun to act sketchy after he’d started to talk about what had happened before they had found him. But, the thing was, why had it been such an issue at that moment particularly? It wasn't like it had come from nowhere, they /had/ to have noticed some of his other hurts! They’d bandaged him! 

“Weird?” Greed thought that they hadn’t acted ‘weird’ enough, frankly. It was like Ling didn’t… 

Crap. 

Ling blinked, “Had you, ah, both not…?”

Lan Fan got what he was getting at first and shook her head quickly. Greed’s eyes stared holes out of her face and backed her admission up.

They hadn’t KNOWN? Ling thought about it. His wounds were kind of nonstandard and the healing was off, a leftover from Greed? Something with his metabolism? He was worse and better than he should be but he’d been so different his whole life it was hard to tie down a ‘should be’. Something about his own abilities being all out of whack? His body was in a torpor for all that time, he was aware of that much. He still had stuff that was only just now scabbing over that was old. 

The room they had him in though, that had...tools?- Wait, it was dark and there had been a lot going on and- 

They would naturally focus on him. 

Shit.

Oh dang it! That was probably it, about their sudden weirdness. Both of them had been subdued only from the point he started to make allusions to specific events… No freaking /wonder/. 

Ling was used to Lan Fan’s quiet and not really thinking that it was more like Greed’s Quiet. They must have been /really/ upset! 

That was nice! He thought. It was good to think that it was nice someone else was concerned on his behalf, right? It was a newer thing he’d not had much experience with outside of a few people so it was hard to get it right. 

“I- I’m sorry for the belated report?” he tried. Now the egg was on his face. “I am very dirty and stuff isn’t right with me right now. It is not your fault!” He’d also wondered if they were being kind in that they wanted to get to safer harbors before asking him specifics. With his usual M.O. he kind of didn’t like to reference things that’d been hard for him until some of the sting had bled off. Very real in this case where he was basically all still sting. Greed sort of knew. They hadn’t expressly spoken about that sort of thing but it was another of their mutual understandings. In reality their group hadn’t even gotten to that stage yet, Ling now saw. Double whoops. He settled his hands in his lap, not really sure how to go on.

“I wouldn't have bailed before, had I knew- and I would not have let him, my lord, it was a lapse of judgment. We shouldn’t have treated you so roughly!” Greed began, Lan Fan speaking over him with an uncommon faltering delivery to finish off.

“You really didn’t know?” They were all kind of thick but it had been circumstantial, the things he’d said and the examples they had seen. More importantly they were gonna stop what? The dumb shit they were pulling? “Oh I- NO. YOU ARE NOT TO TREAT ME LIKE I MIGHT BREAK. I WANT IT EXACTLY THE SAME!” Their normal patter had been one of the things keeping him sane! 

Ling had wanted to wait the traditional twenty four hours before delving in, give it a little breathing room, but by their reaction maybe that hadn’t been enough? Or too long? He might’ve been off on the timing. Sharing the painful stuff was a new one, too. It was easier when it was pain that couldn’t /not/ be shared. When you logistically had to. Same body and all. Adjacent minds and such.

“But-” one of them offered, it didn’t matter to Ling who. His answer to them wouldn’t change. 

“NO BUTS. JUST— UH, well you can be careful with my body but otherwise I want it just how it always is!” It wasn't like they’d really hurt him and any physical punishment had only come if he’d initiated it first but it couldn’t hurt to mention it. 

The other two were both still caught up on the first thing. “It was dark and we didn't...”

Ling turned haughty, disguising how that look on their face made him feel. “I will tell you both what I Require and I want You Both. THE SAME.” That much was the honest truth. “If it is different I will let you know!” 

The expression on Lan Fan meant she wasn’t willing to just let it go. Ling was very acquainted with it. “We-”

“Ay, don't rope me in, I can say my own sorries, I’ve done it enough these last few days. More than I’ve done in my life, probably,” Greed muttered.

“Considering I also did my best to hide it I really don’t blame you,” Ling said with a touch of his natural humor. Greed vacillated on the urge of going to get that third bottle after all but Lan Fan stopped him with a mental prod.

 _You do not have to know everything about someone to have their best interests at the forefront of your thoughts._ People had secrets, even someone who over-shared like Ling. Even if it was sort of intentional while also not being intentional. 

Wanting it all as fast as possible was a hard habit to break even when it was in the small scale but Greed knew Lan Fan was right. Ling would share later.

Ling looked resolute, “I am fine for now. It is nothing that cannot be mended at a later date. Right?” He wasn’t directly asking for their assistance but more just reminding them both that it was something they could do without fretting now. Lan Fan was one to fret if left to her own devices for sure and Greed wouldn’t call it fretting, but if it walked like a duck-?

“Together, right?” Greed finally said. It wasn’t Ling relying on him and not expecting to pay him back if it was together. If Greed was in some kind of position where he needed help he already knew what Ling would do. 

When Greed had first revived, the leading days were real interesting. It was like riding a bike. The experience and recall never left, how to coexist like that, but much like riding a bike, in that you surely did not forget, when you first got on you were wobbly until you’d gone round the block once or twice. Ling had been more prone to slipping into brooding lapses until Greed would make a comment about something or other, break the silence, and Ling would nearly need to pry his fingers from being embedded in the rafters. Greed had wondered openly on how the fuck Ling could forget he was there (repeatedly even!) but Ling had gotten used to a year spent /not looking at/ a general nebulous soul location in his own mind. It was a habitual thing, not looking at the divot. 

In that first week Greed wasn’t- he wasn’t going to say he was weak, because he was Not, but he could say tired. Without the souls and being /tired/ he was taking up a fraction of the space he normally would. He didn’t need to grasp quite so hard or project himself quite so large, being like, openly invited and shit. Ling was eerily eager for Greed to just do basically whatever he wanted (within reason) as well. He said he missed it. Whatever floated freak boy’s boat.

The plan of some sort of schedule lasted for all of a day and a half.

Half of everything was fine on paper but operational needs, not to mention the sanity of both parties, needed to be considered. Ling, he’d long gotten his fill of ‘going solo’. He’d offered Greed the proverbial go ahead in most things. Greed though, he was pretty content to coast and learn his new environment. ‘Fish out of water’ barely scratched the surface. He’d told Ling to take the lead, unless he had other designs of course. Ling thought something was wrong but really it was as simple as Greed letting “I don’t know the language, genius,” slip out. 

It was simple for Ling to affect a running internal narrative of what he was doing and why, unbidden but also unrebuked. Greed had already learned filtering Ling’s passive knowledge such as information from fighting. Ling had a theory that language and routine, more advanced though they were, was not /impossible/. That type of learning was the exact opposite of concentrating so Ling knew Greed would get it quick.

“Why is-”

“What are-”

“How does-”

Were all frequent questions. Unlike when those questions were coming from Ling way back before they did not get ignored. Or yell-answered.

He grinned at remembering those first few days, weird and stilted because they’d both been so fuckin’ AWKWARD.

Both had been too polite. Both wanted to say something to the effect of ‘you're bein awfully fucking considerate you bleeding heart, wheres the adverisity?’

Al getting kidnapped really upset their apple cart. What the hell were they supposed to do after that? They had weeks of dancing around planned and Al had to ruin all of it. 

Awkwardness boiled away like a fog in full sun and sharing things again came quickly, much quicker than in Amestris. Ling supposed that their usual operation could also extend to all sorts of pain. Why Greed would want any of that nonsense eluded him. 

Ling was really amature at this junk when it wasn’t hyper-specifically tailored to analyzing a frenemy. 

The pain… he'd had been able to turn the worst of the body pain off if he needed to. Or at minimum mute it at the time of his jailing. He had needed to learn what he could as well, though, and he didn’t want to go too deep and leave his body unattended. Coming back to something permanent would also not have been good. He’d kept himself in a state where none of his vitals had spiked that whole time so it was really nothing he couldn’t handle! 

There were a few close calls, he was still thanking his fucking ancestors that they hadn’t done anything really for real permanent. Or hobbled him completely. Not many people had enjoyed kicking an unresponsive body, it had saved him a lot of grief! It really was just a version of all the lessons he’d learned at the palace. Easy peasy.

Rolling over to 'give up', to have people stop, was trivial. Ling did not know how many times he had found a use for the tactic. It was why he excelled in having a lot of favorite concepts- like numbers! Concepts and ideas couldn’t be taken, and they couldn’t be used against him really, as long as he was careful in who knew about them. A color was just a color, and things like a favorite food were hard to poison him with if he kept the category as wide as ‘edible.’ If he had a favorite place he switched it up, he didn’t need anyone knowing where he went with any predictability. Favorite people back then… it did not come up! 

Of course later when he became emperor he was suddenly supposed to know all these things. People were asking him what he preferred and wanting to know in order to aid him rather than as a… weapon. Most of the time. Nobody took ‘whatever’ or ‘I don’t know’ as an answer, either. ‘Whatever is in season’ only worked sometimes… they were getting wise to it before even a month in on his rule.

“What does the emperor desire?” could not be followed by “Yes.” Them bringing him choices and him blindly pointing in a direction also produced mixed results. At the time when it was really bad he waved off Lan Fan’s questions as to why he was so indecisive with an explanation of “leftovers” which made her back right off. It really went more deep than even his grief over Greed. The environment Ling had lived in made building meaningful anything /hard/. ‘Course when he went over to Amestris he suddenly started forging connections and tilting his entire worldview on its head. It was also some “leftovers” making the choices hard, purportedly. Wanting ‘all’ as a choice hadn’t come from him so strongly until he’d returned from Amestris. Then it’d gotten worse as the months rolled on. Greed certainly wouldn’t want to be referred to as “leftovers”. Ling would pencil it in to do immediately when he was back.

Greed loved choosing imperiously, as a backup plan he was a vote when Ling couldn’t decide. They had similar tastes in many things- but not all. It kept things interesting! Once Greed was back he’d pick over every little thing like he did with anything he claimed ‘ownership’ of, and Ling wouldn’t push him away with a ‘fucking quit it’. 

That was another thing, actually. 

“Hey Greed?”

Greed had simmered down to dig at the burned portion at the bottom of the camp cup to eat it on his own. Waste not wantnot.

Ling straightened a fringe on their makeshift blanket. “Maybe we also don't tell Mei some things? Like she's gonna be able to know some things because she's got books and knows how injuries happen but also um-”

Mei was a princess of Xing, she knew how these things happened, she’d seen these things happen. She had in her still young life already attended surgeon’s auditoriums, watching operations on prisoners that had been put to death. Cadavers that had marks like Ling’s. Torture and prisions were comorbidities before Ling had extended his influence to those places in reform. 

“We could also minimize some stuff?” Ling motioned. Greed was looking at him oddly again. It was still weird to see it in the flesh without having a mirror handy. 

"I'll keep my various diagnoses clinical as I can, yeah," he said slowly. Mei was going to want to help and she needed to know exactly what he needed help with. Greed was not going to shirk the extra hand.

Ling nodded, pacified. “Like she needs to know but she doesn't need to /know/ know, y'know?” Plenty of stuff didn't leave /physical/ marks so it was easy enough to just not mention entirely!

Ling watched Greed hold back a snarl and revisited how upset he’d estimated them being. Everything else, as long as the details were not provided, shouldn't sound too bad. Comparatively. “She already will know I got blown up and that's really the worst of it anyways.” 

Lan Fan piped up to Greed's ears with a questioning thought of even though he didn't really eat— could he try eating those memories instead?

Knowing Ling, as Greed did, he was sure he would wanna keep them. The bastard hung on to things that even Greed wasn't keen on owning.

Ling rested a hand lightly on their knee. "It's an experience and now when I do those things to someone else I will know Exactly how bad for them in those moments it is!" Freaking them both out with his specificity Ling smiled as the room suddenly felt chilly. 

Our conversation had not been audible, correct? 

_Uh huh._

Fucking yikes. They were a valid point of reference so Greed could take Ling's assurances that they were 'valuable'. Not that Ling would let him not take it, fucking yiiikesss.

But, Greed took the time to lay out to Lan Fan, he would make Ling share -all- the particulars because that could bleed a lot of things out.

It'll fade on it's own as well. Your arm getting an upgrade was a traumatic, painful, and fucked up thing and it isn't- you know, bad for you now, he reminded her.

This was true, sharing did help, but she had gotten her injuries much more readily so things were slightly different. 

Well 'cause you're a crazy ass.

She mentally shrugged.

You're LUCKY YOU GOT TWO TO SHRUG WITH! 

_I cut below the shoulder joint, shrugging would never have escaped me entirely._

IT WOULD HAVE BEEN VERY SAD.

Lan Fan knew what she looked like before they had given her her port, she had spent a long while in front of mirrors getting used to it, owning how she looked and knowing it had been for the best cause possible. She showed Greed that now, but made it so that version of herself shrugged.

Oh he was gonna /kill/ her. That was unfair use of image sharing policies. Hell and shit did he wanna laugh and he wasn't fucking sure he could! That was a below the belt joke.

She was short, she could aim for below the belt very well. It was an inelegant end to a fight but not one that she was above. _Ah wait, we are short so we are both not above it._

You're not above much at five- OHHH YOU!- 

Displaying just how much the mind was different than her normal method of conversation Greed hit her with a charcuterie of emotions: the notable being; 'oh you /little/', 'hahaha, we?', and 'BOOOOO'.

Ling meanwhile watched a smile slowly spread on their face and even though he'd had a rough time he was really glad those two were together for a bit.

It would be nice to talk to someone (in general too, he was still recovering from the solitude) that could more comfortably understand a lot of what he had with Greed in the day to day. As it was, it was like explaining the dragon pulse to an Amestrian. They got the overall explanation but the nitty gritty they got totally lost on.

Funnily enough, Lan Fan didn't even get to see a lot of the emotional injury he'd been subjected to over the years. It was kind of a first for her to see him quite so compromised. If she saw what happened to him first hand they both accepted the wound and moved on, if she didn't see it she'd find out later, and if she didn't find out- well… then Ling would keep it to himself. Deep in himself where nobody would have to deal with it. That was until someone came into his life that sort of lived where he'd been throwing a lot of that garbage and had a lot of objections about it. 

Greed wasn't gonna stop until he'd drug everything out into the open and Ling couldn't blame him for that. Lan Fan was an observer in a situation that was literally beyond her control. Typical that Greed had got her on his payroll somehow so Ling was sure that there'd be two people deeply interested in his past getting laundered. 

Lan Fan'd had worse! He'd been a prince! Back in the day they would always make sure he was alone for the worst of less physical jibes. His captors- huh, they were more that than family and peers, he supposed, had the power to actually send her out of the room.

He knew she knew about the passive aggression greatest hits he was subjected to. She got tailored versions of them for herself.

Really what was odd was that part of his upbringing was crazy similar to Greed's first years? Of course him and Lan Fan would be similar, same place, same people, even a lot of the same insults and treatment, despite the difference in station. Greed though, his context was entirely different and yet there were clear comparisons that could be made! 

Greed had to actually live with his siblings and Father for one. Greed’s relationship with his father differed from Ling's in that to have a relationship the other party would have to realize you existed much of the time.

But yeah, being called a fuck up, being held as higher than humanity, compared to his siblings, his father, father neglect, never being good enough, and a drumroll for the big one— unwanted! Those held familiarity!

Getting killed over and over Greed treated as a joke as much as Ling ended up treating the assassination attempts as one but it still stung for both parties.

Greed, he walked out on it, he was a fully functional adult and could.

Ling, being a child, ended up clinging tighter and vowing to tear it apart.

Yet both parties ended up being the best of what they could be, being made up of what they were. How synonymous.

\----------

Sleep came reluctantly. Greed and Lan Fan waited until Ling quieted, naturally, but even after that they still couldn't quite get to nodding off themselves. When Ling finally slipped into a light snore there was no point in forcing a chipper face like they had been through on some of the tougher moments. A good thing about sharing the same face was when it was just yourselves there was nobody to see it.

It was harder to sleep when it was just them and their thoughts in the cave that echoed with only the sounds of rain and their breathing but, and this one was a new one for her, she suddenly had someone who utterly understood.

Lan Fan was low. There'd been many times she'd been low before, but this was the first that there was someone who knew it as closely as their own thoughts but respectfully was there for it and for her. 

There was no real gap to bridge and yes she had the privilege of having people in her life that knew her hardships but there had been nothing, there could be nothing quite like this feeling.

When she went to lick her wounds it was usually a singular activity. 

Even someone to ask after her- it hadn't been that way since Fu. Ling did of course but like she was going to inform him about things she thought he did not need to know.

It wasn't with words, if she needed them of course Greed would. Ling was better at them, though. It was more with the ease of just lending a presence like he did with Ling so much that it had become second nature that Greed attacked the current problem. No wonder the brat had lost his marbles when he was 'gone' and gone.

It was hard to be too down when Ling was on top of them beginning to drool and out like a sack of hammers. Greed, from what Lan Fan could tell, was similarly relaxed because like this it was /almost/ right.

Though, and this thought originated from him, he was kinda glad he was where he was right now because he judged it not very fair that she would have had to sit there and deal with... this... on her lonesome.

He could put her out, he offered wordlessly. No dreams either. Sometimes Ling asked for that. Greed idly thought that Ling will probably be asking for that a lot.

Greed waited, patient while she deliberated on it and received an answer directed his way; a quiet thought- _then you'd be alone._

Lan Fan heard the furnace noise again. It was not steeped in that righteous seething anger of before but more of a mix of a /lot/ of emotions very quickly.

Greed didn't think that there would be another goddamn kid that would set him off like this. He had to stop picking them up!

How could he not wanna do everything in his considerable power and influence to make sure someone like that doesn't come to harm after she says something like THAT to him?

Shield was fucking useless if it cant protect someone like that!

\---

Sleep was by default a solitary activity. In the situation Greed found himself in after being reborn it was tough to reconcile that it wouldn't be so solitary going forward. He didn't need to do it, exactly, but just because he didn't need something did not mean it wasn't still desired. That was kind of his whole thing?

Him asking Lan Fan if she would care to and her capitulating immediately, him snoozing it up in that shitty inn with someone that was much more a stranger than Ling. It was a new deal for him.

He wasn't used to being so upfront so quick about these things. Familiarity bred complacency and in Ling's case comfort. It took Greed a long damn time for comfort.

It ended up being boredom that did it, that first time.

As well as about half an hour of the weirdest posturing in the shit ton of all the weird posturing he was doing those days before he did it.

-

So you're gonna be here and chopping wood right? Like for a while? 

"Yes?" Ling was roasting in the sun, leaning on an axe as he wiped his brow. "You're making me do it, Greed, because it is your turn and you suddenly cannot find the wherewithal to do it your damn self. Even though it is your turn!" He hefted the axe and brought it down on a log he'd set up, knocking it in two. Setting up another victim, he did it again.

"I have this whole tree and it sucks." They were going to stay in the immediate area for a few days so Greed had been charged with firewood duty. Ling found himself having to make good on the chore.

"I have to bring the axe back to Ed so he'll remake it and sharpen it every, like, ten branches. But yeah, I'm here in the hot sun doing this. What do you want?" Ling grunted as he smacked some bigger pieces into small foot long chunks. "Do YOU wanna chop the wood that's gonna heat this body that you claim is yours Greed??"

Absolutely not! It builds character that You desperately need. 

Ed was a farm boy at the end of the day. He was incensed with what he called 'chorin' and how everyone got a share of it. Their journey not 'being a summer camp and that everyone was gonna work.' He insisted it was good for the body and the soul. Ling privately thought the soul that stood to benefit much more than he did ended up avoiding it.

Ling couldn't whine, much. Ed had alchemy but he split the wood they needed a few days ago with an axe and 'elbow grease' (Ed pointed at the metal of his arm at the time, pleased with the joke) just the same. Ling could pout over Greed bailing but he did like being able to move.

He'd grumble, sure, they were still doing their weird dance. He couldn't be seen showing too much interest in one thing or another.

It was the game they played where Greed 'gifted' Ling with some time claiming it was just because it was work he didn't want to do, while Ling complained about having to do stuff despite enjoying the time out.

There was a system.

Though— what the hell did Greed want now? He was kinda' like... Ling wasn't very sure but...like...was he like /leaning/ or something?

OH. WAS HE RELAXING??

IT HAD BEEN MONTHS! LING DIDN'T THINK HE WAS PHYSICALLY CAPABLE OF IT!

It felt kind of weird because it was similar to… actually he didn't have a comparison to how it felt? But that had to be what it was?

Even when Greed was lazing around or "RELAXING" (his words), he obviously hadn't been. At any rate, now that Ling felt the real deal of him fucking 'settling' or whatever was going on in there he could safely make that call. All the other times were bullshit by default, he could tell.

Felt like a half-deflated balloon, sort of.

Ling's eyebrows were gonna shoot right off but he tried admirably to not react and keep cutting wood. He didn't want to risk mentally checking but he bet that the toothy bastard looked like a half-deflated balloon, too.

He had to play this cool. There was something important here. He could smell it.

'Be cool, be cool, do not blow this for us', he thought. (He was only referring to /himself/ at the moment but the 'us' could be broadened later.) A lot more people talked to themselves than what most others surmised was standard, Ling was just in a position to have other parties answer. 

As long as he was careful Greed wouldn't pick up on what (or if) was thinking at all. He said it was because he didn't give a shit but it was a jointly held belief that everybody deserved /some/ privacy; as much as could be feasible with this mess. 

The thing that was most paramount rather than more 'ifs and whens' was Ling would just about KILL for a nap right now.

"Man- Greed, why can't I just go take a nap! I'm tired!"

Nope! chop!!! In fact- I think I'LL go take that nap. 

Sometimes it could be so damn easy. 

"GREED COME ON, STOP BEING A LAZY ASS!" 

No! 

"You're really gonna fuck off and have me chop all this by myself!?" Ling tossed the axe down by his feet where it stuck blade down in the platform of the bigger cutting he was using as a flat surface to work on.

AND YOU BETTER BE DONE BY THE TIME I WAKE UP! Greed cackled.

-

Therefore- when Ed came to get Ling for lunch an hour later and Ling said he'd rather finish what he was doing first, Ed almost died on the spot.

Trade offs.

And then, when Greed woke up another hour later on top of that and used Ling's eyes to blink owlishly the wood is long completed and Ling was meditating

(He'd been neglecting to do it but also it was staving off the hunger pains.)

Accordingly, Ling's response of "was waiting for you" when the question of "fucking starving, when's lunch?" had Greed's non-existent eyebrows in the atmosphere.

It was a very productive day for Ling, he even had a blister on his palm from his chores that mysteriously disappeared the second he stopped thinking about it. 

Usually Greed let Ling keep injuries when he was in control because of said character building, but hmm. That was a test passed, Ling guessed

He was always good at winging tests.

\---

It was different, the last time Greed had seen Lan Fan cry.

There had been so much going on and the gravity of the event was lost in a sea of anguish for so many things. It had shocked him so deeply, that first time. Her heeding his presence enough to tell him what he was too late to help with and the sympathy of it all. It was a human thing, roping others into sharing. A person thing.

This time wasn't so shocking. By his estimates it had been a long time coming, if he wasn't where exactly he was maybe it would have happened already. Him being informed it was happening was not punctuated by tears hitting his cheeks, mixing with the blood, and making him almost too weak to hold on even though she was wrecking herself to not lose anyone else. 

Greed got the whole lead up: feeling her eyes and face get hot, her mouth quiver, the teetering bravado of still holding it back- not really for him, he was actually almost forgotten, but because of her own distaste. They welled beyond her lashes and hit the hand that could feel it before he totally disengaged from her senses to try and be literally anywhere else.

It wasn't like she could move to wipe them away, Ling had his arms wrapped around her and she didn't want to risk waking him up by shifting. So she just wouldn't blink. They would go away on their own that way. Eventually.

She almost wanted to ask if Greed could give her some privacy but that was exactly what she did not want to deny him. He'd already seen her cry once- not something most people could claim. She sniffed and pulled the equivalent of grabbing his arm while he was trying his best to pull as far away as he could while also sticking home that he was not going anywhere. It was counterproductive, but many things about him were.

'Go away' and 'please don't go away' we're pretty equally matched. Evidently the current counterproductivity originated from multiple places.

There wasn't really anything he could do. They'd bottomed out, a natural conclusion to the entirety of their experience over the last few days. Greed was trying to keep it together, not only specifically for her but for his own pride as well. "You'd be alone?" had fucking got him bad. It carried a different meaning than the alone of when he was doing papers and Ling was sleeping lightly where he could feel it and it was only quiet. 

So yeah. Where could he not be but there and just waiting for their hurt to scab over so they could stop picking at it.

\---

Ling was sleeping, in short bursts (not their fault but more he was too keyed up to commit to his normal total oblivion). He was more than awake enough to put half an eye on their Miserable face. Most of what he'd been doing instead of sleeping was deliberating and it was hard to put things to a vote when you only had yourself. He wasn’t sure what he could do or say- and maybe it was better to not do anything.

(Should have never said anything- he'd made them even worse. But, they did just say they were gonna be up front with things as they could be... and... and if he hid it any more than he had or, all of creation forbid, Greed had come back to it unawares Ling couldn't help but think Greed would have absolutely killed him. Like maybe for real.)

"Hey." "You guys still-?"

They looked at each other.

Ling sat up, "You go first."

"Nah, was just gonna ask if you needed water. Our mouth tastes like shit so I was gonna get up." Greed was firmly set on keeping Lan Fan from going fully maudlin and rubbing your eyes to stretch and get up was a great way to clear them of any lingering wetness.

He'd been using the best approximation of his voice since they'd been here, a higher register than usual, the vocal chords weren't right, but Ling was a lot calmer for it.

Right by his ear it was almost right.

Ling did accept the water from the now full and very cold canteen they'd dangled out of the mouth of the cave to fill it.

They then both started and abandoned a few conversation threads but it was more the fact that those two idiots were trying their best to not brave face it but bullheadly bust through the pall that had overtaken their shelter that kept Lan Fan from her own issues.

She couldn't really one hundred percent blame it on the drink making her feel the way she suddenly did. Being in the midst of that, it wasn't the first time she'd felt like she had not belonged.

Greeds eyes snapped open, his tone of voice somehow dangerous all of a sudden. "Ling! Interesting topic. What do /you/ think about Lan Fan being here with us? Involved with us, you might say." He paid special attention to lathing sarcasm on certain phrases like he could almost not be bothered to bring up something so clearly over and done with. 

Ling was confused. What a fucking curveball that was. What the hell was Greed talking about? Secretly, secretly, though they'd talked a lot of it out, Ling'd had thoughts of 'does he deserve this? Like, all of this?' (Not some of the bad parts of course.) And while he'd been weirdly insecure— LAN FAN. THE MOST GROUNDED PERSON HE KNEW. Thought she didn't /BELONG/?

He thought she KNEW— Oh he should just say, shouldn't he? He could only offer Greed half his stupid little life because she'd already claimed the other!

Greed's original goal was to get her and Ling to sleep but he'd shake him and her to sharply instruct Ling to tell him exactly what he thought about Lan Fan and her Involvement. Ling wasn't even upset. He could roll with the punches. More stuff falling through the cracks. He forgot people didn't have the convenience of weird brainmelds sometimes. Luckily those two did! This would be a lot easier with visuals!

"Greed, would you do me a favor and show her exactly what brought me back from oblivion when you'd consumed me? Please? And then when you're done would you please go get the other eight hundred and seventy three times I told you about Lan Fan in various other contexts. And then, as well, remind her I had one shot at outside contact, burned it talking to her through my own blood and then after that, please, if it is not too much trouble can you put her in a headlock and tell her we don’t quantify the most important people In My Life on tiers?"

Ling would do it himself but he was pretty tired even after just that. And there were those visuals.

"Oh and Greed, this is on you, but would you then agree that I'd infected you with so much jealousy over her that you took one look at her and literally held her in higher regard than me in ONE SECOND?" 

Greed made a face that wasn't actively stunned, "Ling, I can formulate my own opinions on things-"

Ling shrugged, "Yeah but if I talk it up you want it even more. And once again, this is on you, I can't claim to know what you've been doing in my absence, but I'm sure you've tried your best to tell her how you feel and if she's dumber than me thats her problem."

One of them looked about ready to drop the canteen they held. It looked to Ling like Greed was already pulling a few instances up for her if their stance was anything to go by.

Ling took the canteen before it could clatter and spill, "Can I have a sip of water, thank you." He sipped politely while they worked some things out.

He waited while Greed did as he requested. A few murmured instances of "You are kidding?" and other expressions of incredulity punctuated a period of about ten minutes. It didn't seem like all that much time to do what he asked but trading information was usually instantaneous.

"As Greed knows I gave him half of my life because that was our deal and also because I literally wouldn't have one without him. Isn't that right blood bro?" Ling appeared very smug.

Greed muttered something about still having to find a term that was better than that.

"But- Lan Fan, you do know I gave him /half/ because you possess the other, right? Like you are aware?"

They both kinda wanted to visit that Ling only had /two/ halves so where was his cut but they were both kinda stuck on the rest of all that. Well /she/ was. Greed knew already but he was bad with this type of thing in general. Lan Fan was quick as always, she had done her math and wanted to voice a complaint about many things but she would start with that he only had TWO.

To which Ling said simply, ”I've never lived for myself and I am not going to start now. And more than anything putting all my eggs in one basket makes me nervous so please split up sooner rather than later. As much as I think it is funny as hell having you both like this it has the side effect of making me have to care about myself by default because I'm the only one here and I don't care for it.”

Ling looked markedly more full of himself while he immediately received two simultaneous outbursts that 'of Course he should care about himself and live for himself too!' He fully expected it but it was still nice to hear. Speaking over them while they were still tirading (he suspected it was Mostly Lan Fan) he followed up with, “Well see- I'm injured! I do not have to listen to your advice but you have to listen to mine, those are the Rules!” The way he sold it he found it hysterical but he did sort of kind of mean it. 

A more serious tone would be misleading. His eyes drooped and one of them (he suspected Greed) knelt to give him something besides stone to rest on. While whomever he was holding onto huffed and puffed a bit more about it Ling busied himself with adjusting his grip and posture, leaning heavily on their shoulder again.

The scarf was a Travesty and Disgusting but it was still not a bad pillow all things considered! It at least padded the pure coiled iron underneath it and Ling was well aware Lan Fan lost her armor earlier. The two had at least stopped griping at him with half-formed objections that they would not win loud enough that they could hear the contented sigh as he relaxed against them.

Greed had a pet theory that Ling was waiting to make his little announcement before actually trying to sleep again because this time he was well and truly out almost immediately. Whereas before it seemed like it was taking him longer to really drift fully unconscious.

Can't believe he won't even bother taking care of himself, we really have to do everything for him. He eyed Lan Fan. She was still tense and staring forwards but it seemed the brief chastising she got did the trick because she finally sighed and grumbled, “Tell me about it.”

She still was not in a good place about Any of this but seeing and hearing all the memories Ling had mentioned...did fill her with something other than those negative emotions. There was nothing more she could have done in the past and now she had more she could do for him, later, when they weren’t in a shitty cave.

A lot of apologies and some agreements like the actions of the last few months being good in the interim but not feasible to continue had laid the groundwork. Being on the same page would really improve things. Or lessen the damage. They didn’t have to be mature about it or get weird and go full schedule but Greed could get into communicating. Ling had introduced him to the skill and then suddenly forgot about it when it applied to himself. 

This talk had gone better than Greed hoped now that Lan Fan had, like, a once in a lifetime bit of insight. She appreciated the edge on Greed who loved to say different shit that he actually meant. (He’d been flung open to her like a gazebo.) She always sort of knew about that but the ease of talking this mess granted was helpful. Ling, she knew Ling Yao. Those two morons might have that cursed telepathic identical twin shit going on but A DECADE of knowing someone sharpened their various interactions.

Greed still had some of his hang ups about things- and he didn’t lie or nothin’ but Lan Fan REALLY didn’t. One hundred percent on point. No bull. She cut right down to the quick. If she said something like, "Do not interpret what Ling said as a negative." Greed would believe her. As fucked up as it was this situation they got with the shuffle was pretty ideal for talking out some bigger points. They weren’t gonna sleep deep tonight and the night was gonna be long. It had been barely past midday when the damn storm hit. 

There would be tons of time to fill the air with concessions, sacrifices, and offerings. 

The language of the deal.

-

They had agreed no more naps and trading off but that would be in a mortuarium until they got back. Actually- “Conversation topic, what do y’all wanna do when we get back?” Greed asked. He’d shifted to feed the fire and noticed Ling awake again. 

“More of this but not in a cave would be good for me,” Ling submitted, “and a bed too, if I’m to really go for it. I want my bed.” 

‘Course Ling had to pick an answer that made them wanna die. “And what does Lan Fan want?” Greed was gonna force wanting shit out of her even if he had to squeeze her like a tube of toothpaste. 

“I would like a bath.” The line may have been delivered stoically but Greed could recognize there was a lot of passion behind it. 

Ling cocked his head, “You could take a bath now?”

“Lord if you continue this line of questioning there are wild animals outside that would love to have you.”

“WHAT?! I JUST MEANT GO STAND OUT IN-” he gestured to the torrential downpour, “THAT, FOR FIVE MINUTES. I reluctantly have to say Greed is a gentleman because if he wasn't I'd stab him outta you for you and throw him out in the rain.” 

“SEE LING KNOWS!” Greed crowed. "IT'S FUCKING WHATEVER LAN FAN. YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW? LING PROBABLY DON'T KNOW SHIT BUT DAMN." 'No women', had come from a good place. He was a little outta touch, he could admit that, but what he was /not/ was stupid or sheltered. He had been living a bacchanal for one hundred and ninety-ish years. Nevertheless, a bath was a private activity and he could respect her wanting one Alone but also holy SHIT COULD HE GO FOR A BATH.

She was still a little hungry as well.

Come on, come on, what else? More. 

She wanted to sleep and lay around and do nothing. 

Yes yes yes. 

Lay on the floor. In old clothes!

-Yes.- 

Maybe /two/ baths.

"Lan Fan, my heart bleeds open for your simplicity but like a single flower in a vase. -Like the flower arranging stuff I see here all the time? Sometimes simple is utterly beautiful in its own way. You -Want- it and that's good enough." Greed leaned back, propping their arms behind their head.

Greed hadn't been hiding it (he was a little better after she ate and rested) but she'd been helping him with a metaphorical leg up with the whole borrowing her to move and talk, he was very appreciative

Lan Fan touted that she was not a mouthpiece to repeat his missives and just- here, if he needs a boost, just take it. Ling liking to talk with him was another argument but also Greed himself had a right to converse.

And ain't that nice of her? In fact Lan Fan was very nice, much nicer than Ling was. Ling chose to be nice.

It was just that when she felt the intent of what he wanted to do she guided it and that dictated she was pretty damn open to him as much as he was reciprocally and respectfully nodding at her. Holding the door open, basically. It was very much like what Ling and him did when they were beat.

These kinds of situations were answering a lot of questions Lan Fan had maintained. The hows of 'How It Works' were becoming less foggy.

Stupid wine garbage metaphor aside they really did fit together like a puzzle.

Greed didn't react. Lan Fan knew he'd been trying his best to stay out so... so she 'repeated' herself a little louder.

He jumped, 'crowding' her,  Puzzle needs a box or the pieces fling everywhere. Even if they go together! 

Did he have a metaphor for EVERYTHING?

Yes? Can I have some music lessons? 

_WHAT._

Or can I borrow? 

_Wh- you could just look._ ...Lan Fan wasn't prohibitive with information, he was just not to go for specific memories. Why were there ground rules for these things now? How had it come to this?

Nice to ask? We are gonna be sitting a hell of a lot and while I know I have a mountain of paperwork waiting for me I want other shit to do with my hands? Break up some of the monotony. I can do a passible fiddle, or at least I think I still can. Haven't tried it out with Ling— but that siddown harp you guys got looks cool. Even got my own picks!Greed wouldn't waste the energy showing her his carbon coated beauties again but the implication was there.

He was also asking because information was one thing but usage and application was another. Could she /teach/ him? Ling too, maybe?

(A nice thing for Ling, a way to get Ling and Lan Fan in the same room with her not thinking too hard about him being an emperor-? And like, for real something to do with his hands. Greed liked his hobbies.)

...Ling's like a king and shit but he's still Ling.

-

He misses you, you know. 

_Good BYE, Greed._

HE DOES LAN FAN, YOU BEEN DISTANT.  Greed had Ling's stories for reference. Even before when there was no emperor status, not yet a homunculus, and they hadn’t left their homeland. She'd been distant for a long time.

_KNOCK IT OFF_.

You treat me like shit and Ling stayed quiet just so you'd stay around! he explained. He hadn't initially cared for Ling using him as a bridge to coax Lan Fan back, but it had been another type of fun.

_Oh so when he was Busy-?_

Yeah half the time no, he really wasn't. Don't tell him I told you. He never ever cared about positions before unless it was for playing around. Don't do him a disservice later by staying away when we get outta here,he cautioned.  This status shit don't fucking matter. 

_You are just saying that because I do not treat you like an emperor._ There would be a lot of things she would now be okay with but that one was still sort of a sticking point.

Yes? But also we Both wouldn't like it if you did that all the time so don't. What? So he liked when someone gave him a little accolade, the title was cool. Didn't have to mean nothin'. But for Ling though emperor was more a yoke of burden with people he gave a shit about.

Lan Fan mullishly frowned.

Not for me? Greed laid out the sense of all Ling went through. Give him something, come on.

She did not voice it but she acquiesced. Greed felt the crumble.

She would Try, actively. _Can you help?_

Yes he Can.  Of course!  Had that type of thing down to a science, and even better Greed possessed a good background on how her head worked now! Yeah he’ll help. For Burden over there!

That was to be taken for granted. It was only for-... burde- no. Her lor... No. Ling. It was for Ling that she did stuff.

'swhy I do stuff too.

_Hmm._

Hmm indeed. 

**_He's really got you dead to rights._ **

That thought, phrased differently from both parties but nevertheless the same was communicated at the same time.

Really hate him for it sometimes but it doesn't seem to stick. 

Lan Fan had a decade of being raised to do 'stuff' and social conditioning besides. What was the wild one who does not bend to rules excuse?

Fucking targeted harassment, that's what this shit is. 

\---

It was more than a few times in that long night that Greed didn't mind Ling waking up with the smallest inhale of breath and not belaying his awakeness in any other way except to lose the looseness that being unconscious granted and adopting an air of Vigilance.

Greed was awake in those moments too, the second Ling was, in fact. Almost in sync. And if Ling murmured in a few of those moments of lucidity, "Greed?" and got "Mm?" every time without fail, then that was good, right?

And if after "Mm?" Greed got in return, "Are you gonna go?"

If Greed said, "Where?" "Never." "Nope." "From here specifically? Sure. In a bit that is, be back before you know it." "Haha you're stuck with me!" and many other responses besides, that tracked very well.

The very few times Lan Fan came back around, Greed was mostly in control during these moments. Mentally wrapped around her, and she was still not used to that feeling. It was not a grip, more of a loose holding, just enough to remind her where she was and to not freak out.

She basically had two people on top of her which again, while she was UNCONSCIOUS? Absolutely not used to that! But something could be said about these particular two.

She had no fear about them.

Because while Ling did ask for Greed very often there was not zero times that he asked "Lan Fan?"

The times she was not awake Greed answered for her. "Snorin'," "Right here", while tapping his chest for the visual, "Pretty violent dreams all things considered."

And the time she was awake- "Yes?"

"Are you gonna go?"

"Impossible."

"It is not very often I hear you use a word like that," Ling chuckled dryly.

"Not very often I am in an impossible situation."

"Well, to be clear, I'm not ordering... but please-" He gripped her just a little tighter and funnily, Greed, who was playing at sleep, (but Lan Fan knew better) mirrored that grip, in his way.

"Then I will not go until there is an order to," Lan Fan said cleanly.

"But I do order you to give him back," Ling said from his position near her shoulder, gravely.

Mostly because Greed was still playing at sleep, and Ling's voice was heavily laced with a joke- The fact that right now she was the most safe she could be, Lan Fan replied, "You will have to fight me for him, I think."

That of course got Greed spluttering through her mouth and Ling chuff-laughing around his side's pain.

When Ling drifted back off, still laughing (a very good thing, the best possibly the two who were still awake agreed), they relaxed.

\---

The greedy one drew her in to their shared mind. The oblivion comment reminded him of something that Ling got to see and Lan Fan might get a kick out of.

She abruptly was looking up at a fuller representation of Greed, an ancient entity, decades of life on her own, experience weighing heavily, somehow huge in her mind's eye. Something that presided over hundreds, thousands, of souls. She was so tiny, an ant really, and Lan Fan knew this was how Ling felt it, the first time.

Much like Ling she wasn't scared. But unlike Ling, more advanced than Ling was at the time, Lan Fan knew without a doubt that this power was entirely hers when it was not Ling's. 

While Ling got a taste of oblivion at the end of him and Greed’s first meeting when Greed rushed her in a repetition of his actions (because she already gave in a long time ago) her perception flipped and that imposing monstrous face thing was abruptly on her lap. He looked up at her, tiny and red, like the world's most cantankerous toy poodle. 

It was somewhat Cute?

Greed snatched away that perception as quickly as he gave it, pushing her down in a way that /should/ have terrified her while going back to the forefront of their shared consciousness with a put-upon huff.

All Lan Fan did in reaction was, ha, burrow, a bit deeper while he checked on Ling. Making sure in the ten seconds they'd been busy that nothing was the matter.

She compartmentalized it as 'burrow' because if she used a term like 'snuggle' even like this she would die.

Ling- Ling was snuggled.

Greed,  don't you even think it, don't you Dare  was snuggled against him.

He may use her form for this, she would allow him to. It was cute. That got a blush exclusively from him to color her face. She tended to blush easy. Ha, he wanted more control?- Deal with that, then. It painted the tips of their ears bright red.

She had burrowed against them both.

It seemed sort of counterproductive to engineer it so his host not want for anything but Greed was the dumbest sin Lan Fan had ever met.

'Host' was a nice word for something so parasitic usually but Greed chose to take it more literal. You don't come to someone's house empty handed. Generally you try to leave it better than you found it, and usually you bring wine.

That thought received a well earned "Shut the hell up and go to sleep," from Lan Fan, echoing through the space in murmuring hiss.

Making Ling (awake) chuckle AGAIN-

  
  


As sleepovers went it was kind of fucked up, but not Bad given the circumstances.

Until the sun broke there were cycles of being asleep, awake, snickers- mostly from those two juveniles with her. Things like Ling saying he had to go to the bathroom and Greed half-yelling "YOU JUST WENT!"

"Tell me a story" 

"What are you? FIVE?" But he would.

Ling found himself thinking, against all odds, 'we should do this again'... but maaaaybe they would edit out the worst parts for round two?

He didn't want to do anything exactly like this again, but it hadn't been all bad.

When the last of the smoke peeled off the fire's ashes and the first hints of dawn started to fall on the back of the cave, all parties the light touched had managed to finally sleep deeply.

In affirming Lan Fan’s place Ling affixed Greed on his own, and, by extension, completed the circuit back to himself. He knew that was how it should be because glombed onto them as he was he could feel that they weren't tense, or much less so.

Better.

He had been having thoughts for a /long/ time, things like: 'Do I deserve getting out of Amestris like a fucking bandit, all things considered?' Not that the position was all stars and rainbows as evidenced by the fact he could barely walk and also was killing himself before these events. But he could stand to grasp a measure more, there was no one more suited to this job that deserved all the fucking baggage that came with it.

Greed needed no convincing, they did deserve it, and more besides, and he would do a hell of a lot to get it

Lan Fan knew he deserved it. As much as she chased Ling around she would have never put up with it if she didn't believe in him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holidays are over! I wish it would snow!


	29. Head Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now we are at sort of kind of the final bits here my customers. Still a while to go, though! 
> 
> As the title says they're heading out, and getting out of their heads!

It was some unidentified time late into the night when Lan Fan awoke next. The rain had not abated much but the howling of the wind no longer threatened to deafen ears. Waking up in the witching hours in and of itself wasn’t so strange; there was no night that she slept straight through. She’d patrol, find her charge conspicuously absent (then dash off into the darkness to see if she could track him down) or, if some sign of him remained, an idea of where he could be, hopefully somewhere SAFE? she would end up waiting around for him (or lately the other one) (or some combination of the two) to slink back to her expecting their flimsy explanations and placating. If he was present she would find something else to occupy her time in between dozing, or (rarely) interacting with one or both of them in those wee hours.

What was out of place was not only the place, the cold floor of rock and some elevation if the tops of trees illuminated by lightning from their apparent perch could be trusted, but whom she shared the closeness of the place with. There was not much she could do to remedy her current... problem. It was less a problem and more like a predicament that she wasn't rightly prepared for. Ling clinging to her like an industrial bike lock, snoring peaceably. Greed was also asleep and mentally pulling off roughly the same action which, when she got over Ling enough to stop her first, second, and third instincts to /scream/ she had to come to terms with the status of where the homunculus resided as well. Even though she was hit with a shot of ‘aaa UNSURE’ at her “discovery” it had horribly been enough time now that the second thing that made her want to seek cover was becoming 'normal'. It ended up just meaning there was no one to help shove herself out of this. Greed would know what to do, or not care and do what he wanted. If Lan Fan Moved that would just make it Worse. It might bother Ling and she could not abide that! It would also mean having to touch him more to shove him off and she plainly did not possess the wearwithal to attempt such actions.

Why was her shoulder damp? She carefully brought fingertips up to investigate.

WAS ALL OF IT /SPIT/? 

PLEASE-

EW!

Sure! Just add drool to the already tear and blood soaked scarf, really get all the gross fluids on it. Pile it on!

What could she do? Maybe Greed–? 

No. The stupid homunculus needed to sleep. She would not deny him that.

…Didja' have a nightmare? He chose just then to say nearly unintelligibly, making her almost jump to cling to the ceiling. She kept still and quiet for a few pounding heartbeats but he must have said it while unconscious because she felt him 'turn over' and continue to snooze. It did not feel like the comment was directed to her specifically and really only that saved her from wanting to /die/. 

Funny!- /This/ was the nightmare!!

She once again stayed her silent and intense urge to shriek.

"Hehehehe," Ling muttered, still dreaming.

She was glad someone was enjoying his damn self! Wow, was she ever glad she had trained herself to render her body unconscious! How handy! She did not picture an event like this being this situation it would find it's application but she was not one to complain!

\---

Somehow Ling had managed to extricate himself from their grasp without waking either of them up. The sun had come up over the horizon about an hour before by his reckoning. He could actually see the sun! The rain had slowed to only a half-hearted drizzle, light blasting through the clouds to create those fetching crepuscular rays. He was glad he had been able to pull off clearing their immediate arm reach, they needed to sleep, and he’d gotten more than enough of that lately if he was being true to himself. Relaxation and rest were the prized items and those could be accomplished awake.

Ling already was aware Lan Fan snored, though he guessed that Greed was excited to rat her out at a later date about the ‘secret’. The moron tended to forget that they’d known each other for a decade before his involvement. While Lan Fan would insist she had never fallen asleep at a post she had undertaken, much less Snored, Ling was familiar enough with her unwitting snrks that it was most definitely an instance of ‘artful narrative sculpting’ of her own. 

The two man show twitched. “Wan’ coffee,” one said.

"Go bother Ling," complained the other, snuffling with eyes shut. Both were still dead to the world.

Ling did want Greed back. He was wholly jealous and that was something one good night's rest wasn't going to heal, but boy oh boy was this /screamingly/ fun to watch.

Lan Fan's arms lifted, wrapping around her in a huddle though her voice said, "Getofffffff." She wriggled and they reluctantly unclasped. Ling held in a laugh. 

She said she did not snore, and /sure/ she didn't but this time was especially entertaining. The extra gravel on the inhales really gave it that 'oomph'. She had only slept lightly before and it attested to the fact that the habit was not at play this time as Ling had been able to squirm out of her grip. It may not have been easy but it had been accomplished without the instance of her noticing it.

The rattling exhale of hers was pretty damn deep but Ling couldn't solely chalk it up to Greed given the situation that her head wasn't really supported, flopped forward and listing heavily to the side. Ling had left them in a crumple on his exit and he didn't want to risk lending a helping hand.

"Hn Ling." Ling wasn't sure who said that one! It was very fun to try and figure it out! He crept forward slightly to hear more.

Arms shot out, clawing the empty air. "BASSARD." Ah. Greed. The Amestrian gave it away if not the contents. 

Ling risked a pointer finger applied to their face- Greed immediately sleep talking to knock it off and leave him the fuck alone, Lan Fan saying something on his heels about throwing trajectory for optimum flash grenade usage. It would be some kind of version of adorable if they weren't a nightmare amalgamation. 

Neither of them reacting to even this new assault was almost cause for concern; but it was only him in this nondescript cave, hardly a threat. Even Lan Fan though, wow. She usually took even things that clearly weren't threats as threats. How non-threatening must he be to slip even that benchmark?

This was firmly in a top ten of weirdest life experiences for Ling and he sure did have a lot to draw from. He started a fire from the coals of the old one, there wasn't much left to break their fast besides dry tea but hot was better than not. Staying hydrated always did a hangover good, even an itty bitty one. 

\---

It was odd for Lan Fan to get up after the sun and so oddly couched on the ground but more immediately— WHY WERE THERE PEOPLE? WHO WAS- Oh. Ling. But then who was-? Her head-? And a presence- OH what in the HELL IS- um... yes that was Greed. Lan Fan remembered now.

She remembered many things.

-

Ling had been getting the difference between being fully isolated and someone only sleeping that Greed had been trying to explain last night when Lan Fan's eyes fluttered open. He knew it was her because he got to see her have a five second freak out before settling into the recall of the events of the last few days, presumably. By her face it couldn't have been much else.

"And how did my two favorite people who are currently one people sleep?" Ling asked, free of mockery in tone but for the wry expression that twisted his lips too high to be innocent.

"Majesty, I slept on the ground. In a cave. In the wilds." Lan Fan refused to elaborate much more than that but her trailing silence informed Ling of many opinions. It was just a hunch but by the fact she held position like a caught rodent Ling thought she might want to scamper off into the brush never to be seen from again and was only holding back with wavering determination.

Lan Fan had not been drunk enough to have any loss in clarity on events from the previous evening even though Greed claimed that type of thing was one of the main attractions. Some things were filmy but apparently her traitorous power of recall was not to be bested. By Ling's demeanor and the fact Greed was audibly silent Ling wanted some more information on how he was. He came off as though he did not want to directly pry. "He is still sleeping," she offered stiffly, gesturing to herself absent-mindedly. 

Ling beamed. Lan Fan noticed the small crackle of the not so newly started fire and put together he'd been watching them. For a while at her informed guess. She tensed, scrutiny was top three on her list of 'things that made her want to bolt like a game hare' and Ling, damn him, knew it. 

"Lan Fan if you want to scream and keep him asleep you can, you just need to push him back. Did he even try to teach you these things or did he just try and have you figure him out like the world's worst riddle?" Wouldn't be the first time and Greed being as he was it was kind of a perpetual thing. Ling didn't mind a riddle.

She knew how! Just- give her a second! She had not had the time to learn like some people who had decided to give up their bodies for months! Lan Fan explained as such with a furrowing of her brow and clenched fists, snippy at being caught out but still keeping quiet.

"That at least can be remedied if you let Greed take you out into that wilderness for a month or two," Ling said sweetly, "I am sure you both would love it!" Now that glower wouldn't be out of place on his face! 

"It was Very formative for us," Ling said, "Ask Edward sometime, I know he treated it as a show. Mainly because Greed couldn't, or rather didn't bother keeping his half of the conversation private. Then also later on as I found myself able to speak for myself more." At the time it had been a slow crawl up a sheer bluff but he was able to look back on their fits and starts with sentimentality. 

Another weird side effect of all this was that Lan Fan was listening to one of his Greed stories without sporting the well-trodden sucked on a lemon face.

She fiddled with a joint in her metal hand. "Does this hurt him?" She must have figured out what Ling had instructed her to do and she must then be referencing it, the fact that Greed was away from things and small. By how her question lingered it was like she thought she was suffocating an animal by keeping it in a shoe box. Hilarious.

"Ha, no, it's fine. Sometimes I even ask for it myself!" Ling soothed. Hmmm! Lan Fan genuinely interested if something she was doing hurt him, and /not/ in a 'must capitalize on it' way? Ooo! "It's good, it's like when you're in that place you find in the palace when you're small, ya know, to get away from everyone? It's enclosed and quiet. Nice for thinking or a nap. I know you must have had one too." Even better because a nap thar he could pull off when he was like that had someone watching your back built right in.

Yes, she had a few of those.

Now that she didn’t have to worry about waking Greed up Lan Fan inquired about Ling's health and his wounds. He informed her that 'absolutely yes they still hurt like hell' but he would wait until Greed was up for bandages and maybe a...quarter--? of what they'd last given him for pain. Greed fundamentally knew his limits and Ling would like the second opinion on dosage sizes. Hopefully to not completely remove him from the social dogma but like- turn the volume down maybe?

Lan Fan nodded an agreement and after a longer lull elaborated that her "How are you?" was not just for his body bound ailments but more for... everything else.

Ling dipped his head. Yes all of ah- that, was a marked amount better as well. They should go to an unmarked cave to scream and drink more often, it did wonders!

Ling wanted to know, and how was she? "Yes Lan Fan, I want to hear it," he said, preempting her usual dance. The tea was ready. Ling handed her a cup, semi-sure she wasn't going to scream and throw it now.

Lan Fan nodded politely at his offering, even Ling could be trusted to make tea. She sipped. A little… strong, but maybe that was for the better. "After a few crises I have leveled out. I think." She tossed her head in a disbelieving shake and sighed.

"Greed's pretty good at anchoring, huh?" Ling asked. 

And how did he know she was just thinking about the freakish fact that the jerk’s stupid presence was a /comforting/ weight? Damn it all.

The change to her demeanor when Ling floated that question was ever so slight but he knew her proclivities nearly as well as the other one and with the surety of deep seeded confidence was sure he got her /good/. Greed had most likely ground more than a few of his positive attributes in with her more than a few times. Ling wasn't one to predominantly /grind/ but going to bat for Greed wasn't a new deal. Greed would deeply appreciate it. And owe him.

Lan Fan had already alluded to things- to Greed and the fact that he was not terrible to keep around, but- "You were right.”

Ling did not have to ask what that was about and if it was anyone else saying those words he'd basically stuff the admission in his mouth and Eat it. Buuuuut... because it was her he just smirked. "Yes. Sometimes I do make good decisions. They should put me in charge of something, I think I'd do a good job." He pressed his palms and fingertips together, playing with the digits and grinning up at the disappearing clouds. While he looked at nothing and mocked nobody he probably noted, if he cared about that sort of thing, that if Greed hadn't woken up then that meant Lan Fan's emotions weren't all that turbulent. From his experience, if there was a prolonged spike that would've gotten Greed back at the forefront. Which, if Ling was thinking joyfully about it, would be a very fun observation.

There were Lots of Fun things to behold and file away, things like: 'cared if something would hurt Greed' and also the delightful "you were right"! He would recount that experience when Greed returned and they would have a celebratory function over it! 

HE LOVED BEING FUCKING /RIGHT/!

So if Lan Fan needed to use the cloak to scream into it for a little while, just as a nice morning ritual, cleansing really, he could of course grant her all the privacy being four feet away provided!

Lan Fan had not thought to bring coffee to wake herself up but she was always one to make do with what she had.

-

They had dribs and drabs of little to no food and more to middling supplies left but with the mud and rain of yesterday she was sure their cavalry was not coming in minutes or even hours. Hopefully the sun would show itself fully and dry some of their path out. Lan Fan could tear into an entire cow to break her fast this morning, not even embarrassed by her stomach starting to make a racket at being woken by the tea. It was just a fact of life, she could put it away before all this.

She would have to provide for the group, no surprises there. Thinking about options- she could go forage but that was a question for after Greed had woken up. Though not really to take much of his input because he would not get to vote. Her head hurt and maybe he could help with that. She would ask him. She was certain he would just Love to be asked.

He was the one who did it to her with that poison they drank. (She would not acknowledge she'd been the one to grab for it.)

With Greed unconscious and yet still very clearly being open to her she was able to feel the thing he used to find Ling at the tip of her senses. It was not annoying but it was noticeable and very nearly like two magnets drawing together. Losing Ling wouldn’t happen if she had something like this all the time. But the price… it was much too steep. She’d take comfort in it now and more comfort in that Ling /and/ Greed had made her a ton of promises on how they would conduct themselves in the future. 

Incidentally- Fucking of course the second Greed was 'not around'. (A rarity.) They both totally had to talk about him.

Ling opened with something that had been prodding at him slightly, "Was he in any way rude to you?" He was sure Greed was good, especially with a delicate situation like this, but being good didn't save you from unintended rudeness. This was also unprecedented shit and with Lan Fan how she was (Ling suspected pretty compromised and for sure feeling like she owed him) who fucking knows she might Defend Greed if he was awake. Lan Fan was incredibly honest, even when it dealt with subject matters that she had trouble with. If she was put on the spot she’d speak without heeding her more standoffish outward opinion. While Lan Fan was the absolute last person you'd want to block to come get him, Greed was the second to last so Ling did not want to learn he had done anything out of haste.

"No. He was... fine," she answered. She looked positively shabby but it was mostly her own doing. Greed was rough around the edges but times had been rough for everyone. "He tried to teach me how to pump someone for free drinks," she gulped the rest of her tea and pulled a face at the strength of it.

Ling nearly choked on a giggle, gripping the edge of his shirt to wring it in an effort to slap a lid on that he wanted to howl. "Lan Fan PLEASE. My side can only take so much punishment!" he gasped, a tear of mirth trickling down his soot covered cheek before he dabbed at it with an equally sooty sleeve. He clocked her scowl, "Those are Valuable Life Skills! You couldn't have come and got me?" Greed hadn’t even come to get him either, the cheapskate. How come Greed had gotten to play without him? Had a toy and hadn't even shared, how selfish of the homunculus. Then he hadn't even mentioned it? Or had the bastard been saving the story for later like a treat?

Lan Fan was not convinced about how valuable the skills were nor was she hiding that she found it supremely distasteful. 

They moved on to chatting about the game plan for the morning, bringing up and shooting down a half dozen versions of the same suggestions of events in different permutations. Getting up, out to a main road, and finding food were three of the fixed ideas that they knew they were required to accomplish. Especially the first one. Soon. As soon as they could manage.

Ling was not to walk was a fourth. He'd fought that one (there was no damage that could be done /more/, he pointed out, it was not the first time he'd broken something on his foot) but Lan Fan laid down a harsh 'no'.

Ling found a half gnawed/half melted chocolate bar that had survived their feasting of the night, offering it in apology. Then they busied themselves with picking over percentages of shares, Ling pointing out that she should get sixty-six percent, her arguing that was not fair, saying she wasn't hungry, apologizing for lying, and settling on fifty/fifty with half of her share laid aside. 

She was eating the last piece of hers when she felt a hesitant push/stretch in her mind that had to be him. 'Llo ah…. Lan Fan?

Ling watched Lan Fan stop nibbling, eyes suddenly looking at nothing. "Morning. Yes this part is yours you- I already had my part, yes fifty- oh he tried with sixty-thirty but I said no."

Her face broke wide with a toothy beam, "Ling!"

"Good morning, Greed," Ling said, meaning it. 

Greed stood, immediately stretching and rooting around to pack their scattered goods. Food had to happen as close to yesterday as it could, after all. He was the type to hit the ground running when the mood was right. "Whaddya' say we try for actually fucking getting home today rather than goofing off?" He glanced at Ling, "You look like you came out worse in a square off with Xiao Mei."

Ling handed him a few items, including Lan Fan's cup, recently refilled and hot. "Love to! Nice to see you too! You also look mangled!" Ling paused, "Sorry Lan Fan."

"I take no offense. I feel… crusty," she said, looking back over their shoulder as Greed swept the cave from back to front in his packing. 

Greed bent down, brushing off something that the new sun had illuminated. "Wouldya look at this you two- souvenir!" He held up an earring, dangling and very tarnished. 

“Do not tell me you are going to wear that,” Lan Fan said, disgusted, while she tried to drop it. Sadly her hand would not cooperate. 

“I can’t!” Ling touched an un-pierced lobe of his. 

Greed clicked a tongue. “No I ain’t wearing /this/ junk.” It still made it into a pocket to keep. "Future plan: wanna get our ears pierced?” He stopped dead in his tracks, rubbing his temple. “No Lan Fan not /our/, -our-. No like— Me and Ling!”

Lan Fan relaxed, hers were already done but she had thought Greed had decided he wanted to add to the two spots she had. 

“I had mine but /someone/ got rid of those,” Ling smiled. 

Greed jotted down a mental note to ‘selves’ for later that Lan Fan might like studs for her birthday. It wasn’t like she could whine about them not being efficient for combat readiness like a necklace. He had decided to not mention that he’d used a necklace he’d made Ling wear as a garrote one time. Combat went both ways.

“Oh, no shit?" Wasn't Greed's fault he'd closed the tiny pinpricks on his original body! Ling didn't look angry about the flub. It could bear asking to go redo them. Another place to put accouterments was always good! Though he wouldn't take danglers like the earring he'd found, even if it wasn't tarnished and near mummified in cave dirt. Jewelry tangling in long hair was something Greed already had experienced and didn't want to bring on a repeat of. "You open to them again?” he asked Ling. No body modification without a vote was one of their oldest rules.

Ling pinched a lobe in thought, “Sure! On the condition that Lan Fan comes with us when I go and get them. And when I can walk.” He sighed in frustration at the last portion but having a nice goal would make recuperation easier for certain! 

“You are lucky you still have a belly button,” Lan Fan said. She didn’t have the heart to try and refuse him but shopping was such a removed activity from the last few days. She could barely wrap her head around home and bed.

Greed's brow kinked. “I know what a belly button is and that it would look weird without one. I forgot about the super tiny ear holes when I was ensuring Ling wouldn’t die so I could use his body for my own nefarious ends, sue me.” Both him and Ling let the request of Lan Fan's time drop on an unvoiced plan. Greed had stepped back to let Ling work his magic and the pout he’d affected had done the trick. They’d let it simmer. 

He’d slipped on her overshirt, patched as best he could do with a portable kit in the dark, lacking the fine muscle memory of the hands he’d gotten used to. _You did not have to,_ Lan Fan said in reference to the fix. _I am going to be throwing this out when we get home._

Your body fucking HATES sleeping through the night, it didn’t take me long, and you didn’t want me sawing half the bottom off to make a fashion statement. Just take it.

Lan Fan was tough to drape in fine things (unlike Ling) but if she insisted in being in Greed's field of vision she could make an effort to accept the nice things he had tried and would keep on trying to give her. He had a thought about how embroidery would look on a scarf and how she might not like it. Maybe he’d suggest some inlay on her arm. Metal- gems in the knuckles! The possibilities were very attractive! 

_I heard that. No._ She had not known exactly what she had heard but the thought process was something to the effect of the word ‘accessories’ but very loud and then noises that an ape would make. 

“Just thinking about that arm of yours, see it’s pretty already but we can always improve on things. I see no reason not to,” Greed smiled ‘sweetly’. He held the gleaming metal up to the light, it shone unlike his other rusty find.

“It is useful,” she stated. “Pretty-?”

Ling blinked, “Lan Fan? It’s very pretty.”

She burst into some kind of spasm and tried to hide behind a rocky bit in the cave wall. Greed didn't let her.

He put hands on hips, “Don't insult me by insulting my taste, Winry for the gorgeous craftsmanship, or me again: pretty And useful can coexist. Half the reason I keep Ling around is he sits there looking vapid, like a lap dog. Papillon or something. Go on Ling, give her your 'I’m far to stupid to Ever keep up on any of these meeting minutes or your big words' face."

Ling got up on legs that did not shake, “Hey.”

“Come on, don't tell me you don't have pride in it! That's a decade of work you put into that ugly mug to pull it off,” Greed laughed, zipping up their bag and straightening Lan Fan’s disgusting as hell scarf.

Ling scratched the back of his head. “Okay true!” 

Greed knelt for Ling and remarked privately to Lan Fan (who had calmed somewhat) that this would be about the only damn time she’d catch him doing something like this for something like Ling and that she -better- enjoy the sight. “The funny thing about Ling is he SHOWS them he's dangerous and they STILL underestimate him!” Greed was still agog about it. Months of watching and participating in his fucking antics and people just did not fucking learn! 

“People oftentimes default to their first impression of others even if it directly refutes new information!” Ling said, voice near bursting with playful fondness (and yet maintaining a threat) while he scrambled up on their back.

Greed shielded their eyes to the sun and peered out of the mouth of the cave. "Let's blow this joint."

"I do not have any more bombs."

"Figure of speech."

\---

Cohabitating with another soul was a feeling that lacked one set description. It was the realm of the mind, mutable, nearly limitless. When it was multiple souls there was the tendency to get lost in the flow, no individuality. How did one drop of water feel in a stream after all? But when there was only one there was focus, there became a need to try and conceptualize it. The mind craved such things, putting experiences in sets of boxes. It was heat but not hot was a way people described it. 'Normal' people were even able to feel a 'presence' from others, or even to know when someone had just left a room. Adepts could feel and somewhat control the energy of the mind- or the soul. (Was the mind the soul or did the soul house the mind?)

When there was a sharing it was more immediate, infinitely close, and if someone cared to analyze the particulars, it came with reams of information. A single feeling it was not, but it was unmissable in that it all could be felt.

Lan Fan's soul was a cactus until it wasn't and Ling was a burr in his side until it became as natural as sleep.

Without Greed, Ling's glass was only half-- full (because he was an optimist), but still only half.

There were emotions which also were feelings but not exclusively, impressions, bits of memory and associations that wouldn't be made if another person wasn't making them. However, there were weirder experiences. A mish mash of the brain trying to make sense of what it could not. The tactile feelings of actual needles in anger, a bright spark of surprise, the mire of a bad mood. Even in Ling's own head Greed's feelings were cautiously meted out (though less cautious by the day) and Ling also played things softly in the beginning as to not alarm his captor.

Lan Fan felt LOUD LOUD LOUD.

Ling also tried to be conscientious later on, when things had stabilized and there was nothing to hide, knowing how he and Greed could mirror their moods. Frustration and so many other things were catching. Infinitely more so when your emotive states practically touched.

Lan Fan had no filter, why would she? Greed acted in kind. All they had gone on to go through was how that had panned out.

Ling already had the skill of pressing down on his emotions, being proficient in acting and also lying before even knowing Greed.. When telling a good lie or acting a good part (easy to conflate them both) the important thing was to believe what was being said and try to actually feel what he was endeavoring to fake to the best of his ability. When he was acting unbothered he knew it was best to try and smash as much of the internal emotion of actually being annoyed as he could. It made a difference and oddly enough found new life in the burgeoning arrangement he'd cultivated.

Greed, once he stopped hiding and denying everything, wasn't choosy with what got through and what didn't, he was just no good at it.

It was why Lan Fan had a bit of a challenge.

When he hid his intent she didn't know how to go looking for it like Ling. And, importantly, she lacked the 'ear' to hear Greed at first because she had no desire to delve deeper. The problem mainly resided in that her own thoughts were so very loud.

General moods were harder to hide for all parties. Greed had likened it to music or taste, citing it was probably the best way to put the conceptions into words. In both, many things could be going on at once. Lan Fan on contact was screeching brass, almost opposite to how she looked. 

Ling was maybe woodwinds? Greed had no formal musical training, picking things up as he went along. He'd just gone along far further than most people. Something reedy but quick, he thought, a lotta sustained notes for how that royal pain's mind moved. Greed wasn't sure what he sounded like but he knew whatever it was it was 'more' than those two. Not even blowing his own horn, he just had a lot more experience.

Musical terms weren't his fortissimo.

Yeah, it was extrasensory feeling sense shit so it was like trying to describe a new color but as a baseline with him and Ling the general topography translated to there was another person and something to the effect of familiar proximity. A dollop of There and Balanced. Souls didn't have a size but it was good, it fit right. Lan Fan? No. She had made more room but it was still not great. 

It was... different- but he didn't actively hate it. Whatever the circumstances, it was interesting to poke around.

When Greed had spoken about Ling Lan Fan had to deal with what could only be an echo feedback of sorts. Ling's actual mental state was recallable during Greed talking about things Ling said. When she realized what it was it only served to further confuse her. It was a book with the footnotes embedded in tandem with the main work rather than at the end. Distracting— enlightening, but ultimately distracting.

It was obvious when Greed "spoke" and the feelings matched up in that they were not hers but then Greed would remember a thing and remember Ling remembering it—

There was also knowledge that the ambient noise/feeling of Greed and Ling was WEIRDLY similar-?

Lings thoughts, what she could make of them were literally just /more/...not specifically complicated but nesty and tangled unless they were NOT. Then they slammed sharp and too pure, almost shaky on a knife edge. She did not know how Greed coped.

What she didn't know is that her own were clearer still but more like a direct air horn to the face. Greed would take Ling's smoke and mirrors any day. A key trait of his was to fit around what he had to deal with (he was as at home with royalty as the most unassuming groups of the streets) but Lan Fan didn't make it easy.

In that time where Ling was just bitching, (when they had not known anything yet) right after he fixed her head- that was the most notably calm state of affairs. He was tired so maybe he was not as puffed up as usual and she had been okay with it all. It was pretty damn good then and even better now when he woke up and the morning was ahead of them with the promise of home. Still too small though- and not because she was little, just that he was not supposed to be there.

Greed missed his routine. He hated rules and structure unless they were of his own design but out here in these woods with nothing he craved the having workable goals.

Having others work within his rules behooved him immensely. People could be rude to him, for instance, Mei could snap at him for example, but when he didn't like said people then there would have to be some sort of penalty to inflict. Conversely, people were naturally allowed to be rude to Ling: unless Greed made it about himself, then consequences would abound. It was all very easy to follow! Ling had no trouble!

There was more leeway than one would expect with such rulings and sanctions. They were context heavy.

If Ling brought up there existed a rudeness or a slight then it was probably not okay. Ling let most shit go without even mentioning it.

If the swot was bad enough that Greed was the one mentioning something like 'I think this guy is looking down on us', then it was Bad. In the palace an insult that fell into Greed’s visible spectrum was most likely turned up to the strength that would be narratively compatible with spitting in a stranger's face if he was able to pick up on it. Greed was a little thick sometimes but Ling did not mind. Sometimes Ling did have to eat crow and roll over for the sake of politics and it was better those times if someone was a bit thick so he didn't flip until Ling could explain later.

As supportive as someone mentally shouting; 

YOU GONNA LET HIM TALK TO YOU LIKE THAT? I'LL KICK HIM IN THE- was, sometimes it was not the time. "Later" was the best way to curb Greed, "no" always brought about 'Why.' or 'Why not!?'

But _not now_ was fine because it was bundled with 'I'll tell you soon' built right in. Unless the answer to the situation just so happened to be an easy 'no' with no caveats. Regrettably palace bullshit was almost never that easy.

The methods ended up playing out as an entry in the fictitious tome of “How to Train Your Impulsive But Well Meaning Friend” but Ling was used to it. Greed wanted to help, and having someone react personally to insults on Ling's behalf never lost it's luster. It was Greed so the equation went more like 'Ling= owned thing and nobody insults my things' but if the answer was correct who really looked at the math anyway?

Greed's heart was in the right place. Figuratively. He was trying every day. People who took offense for Ling because he was Ling and not on his title or in order to get something in return numbered sub half a dozen. Ling appreciated it more than he could say. He really didn't care unduly about the /act/ of being insulted but if he always let the shit go it would come back to bite him eventually.

As Ling Yao he was not pissed but as the emperor he was duty-bound to be livid, that kind of thing.

There were limits, obviously, when Ling got mad on behalf of something that could be attributed to himself. The topic of humanity with Wrath, historically. But he was in a different country then, and had very little left he could lose. 

Ling, much like Greed, was concerned with things that weren't necessarily him but tied into him and who insulted those things dictated his more… overt reactionary measures. 

Greed saying Xing sucks? It came with a big asterisk there, it was fine. Ed and Al? Thin fucking ice.

A random Drachman diplomat? They are asked politely but firmly to leave. The country. Quickly.

Someone implying Lan Fan was somehow unfit was a much different sticking point. First off that person was wrong but secondly Ling did not enjoy people doubting his choices. He picked who was allowed next to him with much deliberation and never went back on what he'd decided. Saying he sucked got a pass but his decisions sucking did not. It was all very simple, he wondered why people got confused.

It was hard for a stranger to insult Greed specifically but it if did happen it did not fucking tend to be seaworthy. Usually it was Greed's work getting insulted because that was a personal mark he left on the world around him even though he used Ling's hands to do it. His work was usually quite good. If Ling brought up that an instance of it sucked, it did, and that was fine. Back to the drawing board. Some other person? Worse, /a stranger/? They better have a damn good reason.

Funnily, when it was Greed's own work he could get cagey, suddenly all shy over it; the esteem shit. Ling was acquainted with it. It was why he would take it upon himself to ask if the judgemental personage had a problem with the proposal. Strongly, with a snap to his voice that wouldn't be argued with. Greed's plan was good because Ling fucking said so! Even if it really… wasn't... necessarily. 

Ling was very willing to verbally back Greed up on a plan he personally did not think was great, they would workshop that shit in private later! Publicly it was full fucking support and detractors were not to talk back. Only /he/ could mock Greed's dumb plans. Anyone else? No fucking way. After all, who in the hell were they? 

There were many such rules and experiences to bring to the table. That was their new normal, so why give it the third degree?

\---

They were taking a small rest, Lan Fan and Ling were certain their support would reach them today so why push themselves? They were not far from the brink as is, even with the long night they had weathered quietly. The road was still kind of thick with mud but they at least had found it again. It even had signs of use from the earlier morning. Civilization here they came! They could trust the sun to bake it dryer if they just gave it some time. 

The cave had been a large turning point but now under the sky and not holed up under a pressure cooker Greed was thinking about all the shit he said and kind of regretting he’d allowed himself to get all fucking bent. He was already messing around with the idea of making those two little monsters /vow/ to not talk about what they talked about to anyone else ever (ever!) but he sort of guessed they wouldn’t want to either. Lan Fan, he could trust her to keep shit to herself. The cave of vulnerability had long disappeared into the distance and with each footfall further into the light Greed had to keep himself from scowling. 

"Greed, upset about something? I feel like you’re upset about something." Damn Ling. He was too fucking good at picking up on shit just when it would be inconvinient. .

Greed just couldn’t believe he’d fallen for that stupid jar thing in the first place and set this whole chain of events off. He’d tracked exactly how the chips of the last day had fallen from the origin of that jumping off point. Surely Ling would have slipped up in some other way but if Greed hadn’t wanted to get back at Ling by ‘leaving’ then Ling wouldn’t have been forced into a corner. He’d believed Lan Fan about the jar thing too but he remembered she’d shown how willing she was to put him in a jar because she had already done it. Couldn’t forget that.

_Of course I would have but you believed /him/, which I thought suspect even then. How did you think he would actually go and do that? I had thought you were close to sharing a brain even when you were not attached to the same one,_ Lan Fan offered, she was rather apologetic for the whole thing but she’d been having a good time and... Well- No hard feelings?

Nah. No hard feelings. But level with me, you really can’t count Ling out for shit,  he said quietly. Lan Fan would call it hushed but that would mean that it was a whisper on something that wasn’t actually even talking with breath and air and sound. 

_How could your character assessment be that bad? How could he lie to you that well? You were in his head, you know what it feels like. Over a year of knowing him! Honestly!_ Greed caught her own… fibs… readily so Lan Fan figured that it’d be much the same, and surely Greed was closer to Ling’s thoughts than to hers. The homunculus had explained how Ling /loved/ to share and he’d implied that Ling also shied away from lying. Overt untruths with their bond would make things go sour quicker than milk left in the sun. 

Really Greed was mostly concerned with how he managed to miss the entire mess with Ling. How he actually was doing. He’d known something was goin’ on with the half-king but it had been hard for him to place it. Of course he was ignoring the forest for all the trees. He wasn’t going to be hung up on what happened but he called himself an expert on that little bastard and that crap missed him.

Ling waved a hand in front of their face, they looked intense about something. What had they just talked about? "You two overheating? Lan Fan if he's giving you a headache, tell him to knock it off. He should know better.” The pair didn’t acknowledge his prattle but he knew it wasn’t from being ignored, more from preoccupation. “Y’all talking? You talking about me, maybe?" They got like that when he was the subject, Ling had seen it enough now. "I bet you're talking about me, right? I'll just draw my own conclusions if you don't include me,” he joked.

"Not everything is about you, my lord. Busy," Lan Fan said calmly. (He didn’t need to know the particular contents of what they were speaking about. They said that they would communicate more but this felt… like an A to B conversation.) Lan Fan internally screamed at Greed even while limiting her outward reactions. (She was getting better at juggling things.) _YOU SAY THINGS AND THEN DO NOT TAKE YOUR OWN ADVICE. IF YOU NOTICED LING DOES NOT LIE MUCH TO THE ‘INNER CIRCLE’. HE DOESN'T EVEN LIE TO ME WHEN IT WOULD BE CONVENIENT FOR HIM TO TRY. (Not that it would work.)_ She'd already thought back to how obvious it all had been, come to terms with how she /should/ have had an inkling, didn’t, felt like dying, begged for forgiveness, and got it. It was done. What was the hold up /now/? They were fixing the problem with each step towards home and help.

How could Greed be so dense after they aired their problems? She and Ling were on the same page. Greed needed to catch the hell up for once. Quite a different predicament! 

_AND TO BOOT YOU'RE THE ONE THAT IS SO INTO 'ACTING',_ she actually made the finger air quotes, Ling blinked, confused. _TO EXCUSE YOUR OWN BULLSHITTING WHY WOULD YOU THINK HE WOULD NOT ALSO DO THAT. About…. About a lot of things._ Even though it was ‘done’ it still hurt. Tearing herself apart over the discovery had been… unpleasant. 

She was not one to soothe so Greed would get this and like it. _You two idiots are soulmates._ How real that phrase actually was to their very specific makeup did not escape her. _I have never met two people so different and yet so similar in my life and I have met estranged twins._ Lan Fan got the shape of what his issue was like she was sure Ling would if he was in her position. Ah, so that’s what it was really about. Greed remained the type to stay hung up long after the fact and not be prolix about when he’d been burned. 

"Would think a lot of stuff is about me, being the emperor and all. You know. I mean-- I'm not boasting or nothing but everything your eye touches is my kingdom and stuff." Ling kicked the ground and pouted, lightly mocking. 

Greed shrugged in a ‘this fucking guy’ motion. "The kingdom is a co-ownership don't you dare get stingy on me. Also-- stop kicking things."  I MEAN I'VE NEVER KNOWN THE GUY WHEN HE /WASN'T/ A PART OF ME HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT HE'S LIKE WHEN I'M NOT THERE. THIS IS NEW TERRITORY.  He shouted privately at the same time. It was why he missed the whole fucking stupid arragement! He wasn’t good at this-

_Nobody is good at knowing people and you are better than most. Especially with him. My lord makes it a point to be hard to pin down for everyone he comes in contact with._ Lan Fan felt a counter argument from Greed build. _Stop it! PEOPLE DO NOT CHANGE IN TWO WEEKS WHEN THEY ARE UNCONCIOUS FOR MOST OF IT. RELAX. IM SURE THE ONLY THING HE THOUGHT ABOUT WAS IF WE AND PRETTY MUCH -YOU- WERE OKAY. Do not /CRY/ again._

He was NOT! 

_YOU HAVE CRIED TWICE NOW, THE CONTEST OF WILLS HERE IS PATHETICALLY ONE-SIDED._ All that Greed had to do to get a cry out of Ling the last time flashed in their shared memory and made Greed mostly but Lan Fan as well feel like rotten meat.

You're telling me to relax is overblown, these are tears of mirth!he said, full of shit. 

Whatever helped him sleep at night! Stellar. It was up to Lan Fan to be direct. In the spirit of communication! 

"Lord, you probably didn't get up to much being in a cell the entire duration of your stay, whatever did you do with yourself on your own time?" Lan Fan floated lightly.

HEY! HEY- DO NOT! 

"Wondered if everyone was okay! Mostly if Greed was alive!" Classically, Ling held nothing back once they found him out and his lip quivered with the freshness of the memory. 

_There. See. It Is easy to get him to cry. Oh no- I made him cry,_ Lan Fan blanched. Only one or two tears make their way out. They were truthful and not crocodilian in nature but not painful either by how Ling smiled even through them. 

Greed seemed to turn an internal corner of sorts, believing Lan Fan like he always did. "LING. BUD. HAVE I TOLD YOU THAT I THINK YOU’RE FUCKIN STUPID?" Greed, for absolutely not being upset just before was teary in voice. 

Ling rubbed his eyes, digging at the soot. "NOT IN TWO WEEKS!" 

‘Ah, so this is why Ling was complaining about not getting paid for his therapy services’, Lan Fan thought to herself. It was kind of a full time job. She hoped when things settled down she could rest her new role of referee, she was already growing tired of wearing the hat.

They riled up for something like two chickens that were squaring up to come at each other with spurs. Getting caught in the middle was also old, they both steamrolled over her whenever they got wired up. Why should now be different? 

_You can go hug him you know, I know you want to._ Greed did something mentally that she could only compare to turning nearly inside out with surprise. _He will know it is you because he knows if I initiated it I would self immolate soon after._

I- 

the- 

well I don’t wanna- 

_You have my permission. You are both so blasted annoying_. Lan Fan could see Ling’s arms twitching for it but she knew enough that he was holding back on her account. Like last night hadn’t happened? Like she hadn’t been carrying him for days? 

Greed pushed her out of the way. It was rude but she couldn’t find it in herself to be offended over it. "LING. LAN FAN SAYS WE CAN HUG. I THINK IT’S UNNECESSARY PERSONALLY. BUT SHE INSISTS."

_How full of shit do you realistically think you can be? she_ moaned. 

“Oh for real??” Ling stated, loudly, like he was trying to come off as nonchalant but doing a Terrible job at committing. Why and if Greed had been upset was torn to pieces at the new revelation. Analytics would wait because Ling was already moving across the few yard wide gap faster than his thought processes could catch up. 

They were /both/ choked up and Lan Fan thought it phenomenally embarassing in the second before they collided. Then she was too busy being caught in a sandwich of bodies where nobody really knew what to do with their arms to think much of anything. Her legs dangled. Being short really did not do her any favors in making this less embarrassing. 

"DON'T YOU GET EXPLODED AND LEAVE ME BEHIND," Greed yelled, breaking the communal sniffles with an order. Lan Fan was upset at the ‘leave me behind’ part holding the most importance to him but, again, not /that/ upset. 

"DON'T TURN INTO AN ATTRACTIVE CENTER STONE FOR A SIGNET RING AND WE'LL TALK!" Ling laughed wetly. 

"DON'T TAKE A NAP FOR TWO WEEKS!"

"OH POT CALLING THE KETTLE!"

She watched this nonsense from as far ‘back’ as she could (while still getting to watch). Blackmail was a new material that she did not have much experience with but this had to be worth something pretty big to the right person. They called women emotional? People who coined that stereotype had never been in the company of homunculi or prince/kings. She’d seen old women cry less at tragedy plays. People didn’t even cry this much in the soaps when so and so's long lost comatose brother returned from drowning at sea or whatever. Her soaps were more inventive at a stupid plotline than what she’d just been through. 

Ling was crying from both emotion and the fact that his side was still so fucked up that if he held on to this hug much longer he was Gonna black out. Not like that was going to stop him. He stopped clinging quite as hard. "Thanks for holding her Greed, I liked giving Lan Fan a hug, too." Ling disliked being duplicitous to people he actually liked but he’d wanted to do this since he’d first seen her serving soup the morning he woke up in the inn bed after his rescue. He just hadn’t been sure at the time if the action of hopping off the bed would have been enough to facilitate him accidentally bleeding out so he’d been cautious. He'd had to make a real apology to her first and then they had soup and then they had to leave the hotel in secret and- all /sorts/ of things had happened. It'd slipped his mind.

Greed held in a laugh, for claiming to not know Ling he sure did know of some sort of plan. "No prob, champ.” ‘Course now that he admitted that he’d lent a helping hand that meant Lan Fan knew. "Though uh-- I think I might die now so it was nice to have a reunion!"

Ling nodded. "Understandable. You still hugging me, Greed?" Greed had not let go despite claiming he might die in a few seconds.

"Nope"

"Hmm!" Ling heard a slight squeak before Lan Fan struggled enough to get him to set her down. She broke from his hold to him getting a flash of a heartblood red face that practically steamed before she buried it in her scrap pile destined rag of a scarf. 

"Had to get her back for making me cry initially, don’t think I forgot it was a team effort between the two of ya’s,” Greed smarmed still within the confines of the scarf. “She was a panic'd mess without you so I figured this could kill two birds by lighting the bush on fire! Was literally ready to do anything to get you back, hence our situation, remember. So I thought something like this was appropriate to get her back and do her a solid at the same time! And now I think I Die so see you later, partner!" Greed waved a goodbye while Lan Fan stomped off. Ling would be fine out of eyeshot for a moment, it is not like he wanted to be anywhere else. Lan Fan was going and she did not know where but she needed to go and not be where she was. Now.

Greed had to push her nose directly into the dirt about it. If he was gonna die it was gonna be on his own terms.  How’d ya like that? I think Ling did! This really is a special occasion, huh, you ain’t done that without some flimsy excuse since you were six! 

“YOU ARE ALIVE BY ONLY MY GRACE!” she screeched. 

And what a passionate grace that is! Speaking of, the burning in our face is almost Physically painful. With the shield still playing hell on them it felt like a slapped sunburn.  Wanna go find a creek to scream into? I get the feeling you'd like that, though you have to promise not to drown yourself. 

She boiled and looked for something to thrash her frustrations on.

Hey with that covering for you I'm sure Ling didn't notice! 

“You are /lying/!” she hissed.

Not a lie if you can't prove me wrong! See what things we can accomplish if we work together? If you want to try again and avoid getting so mushy giving Ling hugs you can just pretend you're hugging Me! 

Her joint on the arm with the blade was too loose to risk destroying it with attacking trees. “That is Exponentially Worse!”

Aw, and here I thought we'd been breaking new ground?  He liked it too! Greed missed Mei more than ever. She didn’t mind him grabbing her to swing her around as many times as he wanted. 

“There's breaking new ground and digging a canyon which are on totally separate scales - right NOW all you're making is a Hole for yourself!” Was that a tree with a hole in the trunk? Perfect. Perfect!

Ling likes to try and die in holes so I’ll stop. I guess. Don’t wanna get accused of copying. I don't know what kind of permissions work friends need for stuff.  Greed would like it if it was at all possible for this instance to not be the last time he was allowed within any proximity of her ever. 

“Courteous of you to recognize there are permissions involved. Drop the work part. Shut up. I am going to scream into this tree hole now.”

She did.

Lan Fan really wasn’t far enough or muffled enough for Ling not to hear it but it served to further lighten his mood. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Secret side conversation: 
> 
> Good morning. Oh shit, is 'sat chocolate? Thought we ate all of it.
> 
> Tell me you split it. 
> 
> In /half?/ Did you dicker him down so he didn't try and give you sixty? When I'm back there he can argue on who gets bigger shares. I'm fine with twenty five percent.
> 
> Good. Good. Now- can I-? Thanks.  
> \--
> 
> Think I might start going back and leaving some annotations on bg info that is interesting if people want for past chapters. If you have any setting questions or worldbuilding feel free to drop a comment on the relevant chapter, or this one. I LOVE answering this stuff and I assure you I've thought much more extensively about tiny details that don't matter than you think!


	30. Sometimes a Hat is Just a Hat and Not a Metaphor for What Role You Play in Someone’s Life.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'd call this the denouement of the journey, at the very least. Doesn't mean I'm done, though.

“So– further visitation on breakfast? We're not getting any less hungry, here,” Greed volunteered. Lan Fan could admit she was starving but he didn’t need to be so bold about it. She could wait! 

“Don’t care if you can wait, I don’t wanna wait.”  And I’m sure you don’t want Ling to wait either.  Greed complained. Lan Fan had walked back to where she had left Ling like nothing had happened, and Ling, well used to what to do when Greed had emotions that he didn’t want to deal with, let the matter of her extreme embarrassment drop. They'd been on the road again since then, nothing edible but some grasses for company. Ling was chewing sullenly on a stalk as they walked (and he was carried) but edible didn’t mean shit to actual appetites.

“Deer?” Lan Fan posited. Rabbits probably were smart enough to hide so close to a busier road (there were more than a few sets of human footprints in the drying mud) and a trap would take a while to set up and spring. A deer though, after it had rained for so long they would be hungry and attracted to the new buds of grass the rain had encouraged to grow. An errant deer was not out of the question. 

“I could go for–” 

“No.” Greed lopped off Ling’s agreement at the head. Deer meant they’d have to butcher it and he was not wasting the time doing so, nor did he want to be covered in blood again so soon. They only had close range weapons with exception to Mei’s kunai, and while Greed had no doubt Lan Fan could bag a buck without getting gored he’d rather not exercise that much on an empty tank. He was also not going to take the pain to hunt to just leave most of it on the ground, that was decidedly not his style. Then there was the cooking and the whole prep time- no. Faster food was required. 

-

A flash of metal in the sun from a healthy distance got his attention. He cupped a hand on his ear, already expecting what he heard. Voices! /People/! Not -their- people, Lan Fan would have /long/ picked them up, but people nonetheless. He had expected to eventually cross paths with someone out here in the sticks, Xing was only so big, but wasn't this a lucky turn!? Maybe they could barter? It could only be farmers or ‘travelers’ like themselves up here. Hopefully not people going home to the village they'd just left. Lan Fan settled on watchful silence at their joint confirmation of multiple voices and even Ling perked up on their shoulder. They looked like shit. Whomever spoke first got to dictate the story on exactly /why/ they looked like shit. 

The opposite party of strangers ambled closer, their group of three (ish) playing it cool in response. Lan Fan situated their bag on the hip pointing to the inside of the road rather than out as if to say ‘nothing in here worth having’ with the display. Ling drooped a bit more than he was strictly feeling, it looked to Greed he had chosen to play the pity card. Good for him to play his strengths! (Or the lack of them). 

The band was now close enough for Greed to catch details and– ...no. No. Ling said he had to start giving people the benefit of the doubt more. The affable brat had been telling him to stop nearly jumping on new people's necks on first meetings. He didn’t used to be like this but Xing had made him rather gun-shy and there was the whole ‘can actually die’ shit to worry about now. That said, Greed’s hunches were almost always right, but Ling, he knew, would point out the ‘almost’. 

_What._ Lan Fan had picked up on Greed’s mild spike in wariness. She was allowed to be (and already was paranoid), why did he feel the need to join her?

Nothing. Just – ya know... It’s probably nothing.  It /was/ probably nothing! The band of four looked somewhat shabby and were sporting a few different styles of outfit... on each person. They had weapons displayed proudly at sides and on backs but that was smart given the road and how out of the way it was. Not cause for alarm on it's own. Greed spied a delicate necklace made for a young girl on one larger individual. It wasn’t on him to say who could wear what jewelry but given that the man was wearing it as a bracelet and the ends looked warped from tearing… weeeellll. Ling could handle this. 

Ling spoke clearly from their back, throwing a little southern intellectual into his crisp accent, “Well met, strangers! Nice to see some faces on a backwoods road such as this!”

The two groups gave each other a respectful berth on the path, as was polite. Two of the men rested hands lightly on weapons. One swarthy individual who had the most trinkets moved to the front. He was the shortest but clearly had the sway of the group by how the others moved back subtly to let him speak. 

“Morning,” he inclined his head slightly, tipping his hat that didn’t match the rest of the other mishmash of clothing he was wearing, “would it be rude of me to ask what happened to you and the young miss?”

“Not at all!” whomever Ling was pretending to be said gently. “T’was a mercenary raid at the village up the way. Total bloodbath. We managed to get out but I /swear/ that’s the last time I suggest the mountains for a vacation for some time. My cousin, the one we were visiting y’see, is at least finally going to move after all that mess! I’ve been saying to him, stop being such a country lout and come to the city with us!” he tutted. 

Ling gestured to his feet. “I got it the worst, I’m afraid. Broke my damn foot among having a few other things broken,” he chuckled, alluding to the fact he wouldn’t be carried if it were not dire. “My companion and I are in a bit of a bind, just trying to get home to my poor sister, she’s worried sick!” (We’re being expected, don’t be stupid.) “Do you possibly have any food that could be spared? We could only leave with so much and it has been days of hard travel- but we do have a not so insignificant amount of money!” (Don’t be stupid, a payday is in it for you if you’re not stupid.) “Don’t let our looks force you to consider charity.” Ling motioned openly to show he was unarmed and aimed a pity cough in the other band’s direction. Greed smiled slightly, trying for friendly. He took care not to show too many teeth.

The man that jingled with many lines of coins on ribbon tapped a jaw thoughtfully, “It is timely you are offering money,” he snapped his fingers and the other three men got into position to ring their new victims, “Let’s up the ante, your money /and/ the girl. She’ll clean up nice. Or perhaps your life first?” The robbers grinned. 

Feeling Greed give Lan Fan’s neck a few loosening snaps under him, Ling chuckled and pointed a lazy finger, “I like that hat.”

\---

Ling adjusted his new hat to best block the sun from his face while Greed awkwardly tried to count bills with one hand as he supported Ling with the other. Hat taken care of, Ling shuffled through a small bag Greed had given him of ‘choice cuts’ he’d lifted while Lan Fan had tied their attackers, beaten and bloody, to a tree. They’d written ‘Hopeful Thieves’ in the drying mud and would let an infrequent patrol or a Samaritan much nicer than them let them free. Or do what they wished. Chance was kind to Ling, he saw no reason to not grant the same courtesy to his aspirant foes. Upon inspection a few of them had the tattoos that denoted repeated crimes of grand larceny. It wasn’t like he or Greed could really be super judgey but given whom they /thought/ they were preying on (‘innocents’ down on their luck) they weren’t gonna feel much empathy. 

“These rations taste gross.” Ling had found the food.

“Find better people that wanna rob us, then,” Greed said. He didn’t snub Ling’s offering of a bar of pressed and dried fruit. Not half bad. “You like your new hat,” he accused.

Ling tipped the addition to his ensemble jauntily, “Love my hat!”

“It’s ‘cause you were fucked up they thought they could take us so we have you to thank for breakfast, Ling! Thanks for being bait!”

Ling tossed an empty wrap from a fruit bar over his shoulder, it was only waxed paper so it didn’t count as littering. “Oh any time!” 

“I would have thought that a lone woman travelling on an outta the way road with a heavily injured man and no visible weapons would have set off alarm bells, but!- Guess everyone can't be as progressive as me!” Greed crowed. 

Lan Fan and Ling found solace with each other in pulling the same exact face. 

\---

The sun was lower in the now totally clear sky

“–Seems to me, if I am interpreting this right, you will have to forgive me my lord I am new at this, but even in Amestris you went out 'bendering' and you both had fun as early as that. Had you ever intended to kill him?” Lan Fan broke to ask Greed heavily. “If I am reading these memories correctly you enjoyed his company even on the first day. You really are a sap!”

It wasn’t technically an argument but Greed had been telling an early interaction story and casually dropped that he’d been ‘Totally gonna murder Ling’. Lan Fan was tired of the whimsy. 

“-and then you still strutted around for months afterward. Tell me, what had been your plan, you bonehead, follow him home-? You would have! You would have found an excuse to! - And then what? Claim no allegiance whatsoever–? Oh. You are hiding things, it is hard to see!”

She concentrated while Ling looked on with not an insignificant amount of bursting pride. “Yeah sometimes he closes up like a clam! For all his posturing he's as sensitive as an overripe peach especially once you start throwing the word that starts with ‘f’ around!” Greed had boasted about being open but that was a two way street. As with many things that Greed boasted openly about this one also blew up in his face when Lan Fan realized that being open meant incriminating evidence for things she was curious about were strewn where she could get at them. 

“I thought you were an open book Greed, what happened?” Ling prodded. He could not RESIST prey on the run, it was a personal failing of his. 

Lan Fan dogpiled, a personal failing of hers. “Greed please tell me, I am curious to know, does Edward Elric know he is your friend as well? My lord, do you think Edward knows this? Perhaps I should tell him when we have the chance to meet.” 

They were following a deep band of a stream that ran parallel to the road towards what looked like a natural pond a few dozen yards away. Mountains were hell to walk but at least they were rich with natural springs and rivulets. 

“Since Greed likes to tell the group things about me I think it would be equitable to inform parties about his thoughts on them,” Lan Fan continued as Ling knew Greed screeched and tried to hide things like a child that was supposed to clean their room. 

“I believe Ed was around when Greed's broken off lizard tail called us all 'friends of his soul' and that's my own memory so he can't even hide it,” Ling sang, triumphant. A pond meant fish possibly? Could he fish? He had line from the supplies of those robbers, fishing line had a lot of uses that weren’t only fishing. He usually just got right into the water and trusted his reflexes but that was a no-go today. “Let me just remember it again to make sure I have it right…hmm,” he paused like it was hard for him with his near perfect recall to summon the event. “Yup. Total sap town!” Leaning forward, he went to get a good look at whomever had control of their face at the moment. “Lan Fan, you look pained, am I too heavy or is someone screaming?” 

“He's surprisingly tinny, my lord.”

“This is one of the first times I am sad I missed out on him screaming!”

They were close to the pond, and could see that around the halfway mark on the circumference there was a lean-to with firewood, a pit, and a few logs. This looked to Ling like a stop off spot. One of the two carrying him had made the decision that they were gonna take the set up as the gift it was and break for dinner.

“Well fortunate for you then you have the same memory, so once Greed is returned to your head you can reenact this at your leisure,” Lan Fan deadpanned. The mud was bad around where she was stepping, ground water not making the sun’s day of baking the rest of the road dry easy. 

“Oh I think I will!” said Ling. Lan Fan wasn’t really paying attention to his reply as she found she couldn’t seem to control her arms or legs. An arm of hers dropped their bag down by one of the logs that ringed the fire pit. 

Ling felt the shudder of muscles under him, “What is he doing?” He felt himself tip back to dangle above the pond. “Wait! Greed! Greed, don't!”

“This is disconcerting–”

“Greed not the pond! I’M GONNA GET AN INFECTION, DON’T–”

It may not have been Greed’s initial aim when he only wanted to /threaten/ Ling with dumping his traitorous ass into the drink but his off feeling of balance as well as the mud made it so their entire group was dumped unceremoniously into the shallows as a unit with a comically large splash. 

“WAUGHBLBLBLBL.” 

Lan Fan surfaced first and pulled Ling up by his collar to free him from his ineffectual thrashing in the reeds and lilies of the four feet of water. Whatever. She needed a bath anyway. 

“IT'S CLEAR WATER LING, LEECHES ARE GOOD FOR YOU!” Greed was gonna cover for his faux pas and he did so enjoy the way Ling’s eyes widened at ‘leeches’. 

“NO THEY ARE NOT! AAA MY CUTS! THIS /BURNS/ YOU SHIT! OW!”

No use crying over wet kings, “They have many medical properties,” Lan Fan offered helpfully while offering her lord an arm to help him out of the pond, the rocks around the edge were very slippery. 

Ling waved a hand angrily, indicating that he did not /require/ her help right now, “THANKS LAN FAN! I need my blood, I don’t have a lot of it right now!” He crawled from the clammy embrace of the pond sopping wet and ungainly. Lan Fan moved farther into the water to float on her back, it felt nice. It wasn’t impossible to float with her arm but it had taken some practice. 

“Are you two gonna backstroke in there all day or you gonna drag me home sometime within the next century!?” Ling asked, squeezing his ponytail. He picked a strand of waterweed off the back of his head and dropped it like a snake. 

“Ehhh... I don't wanna carry someone sopping wet, dry off first and we'll talk. We were gonna set a while here anyway. I like swimming. Can’t usually. Wanna enjoy this.” Greed slapped the water.

Ling stopped attending to his wet clothes. “GREED YOU CAN'T SWIM?” He thought back and remembered that all their forced dips in the river had been helmed by himself. He had thought it was just Greed being lazy and pushing cleaning up on to someone else. 

“I’ll have you remember I was born in a landlocked country in a city, Lan Fan’s holding us up right now. Were it not for that I’d sink like a- a heh, a stone.” 

“Shouldn't be surprised you don't have life skills since you never needed them before, explains a lot actually. Yet I am.” Ling had taken off his cloak to hang it on the lean-to.

“Lan Fan what's the one- do a butterfly.” She did not ‘do a butterfly’ but did show him how to dive properly a few times, going out to more of the middle of the pond where their feet ceased to touch bottom. “Haha neat, too bad you're hurt Ling, this is fun.” Coming up from another shallow dive to tread water Greed yelled, “OH SHIT! THERE'S FISH IN HERE!”

Ling sighed with enough volume to assure Greed heard his exasperation over the water in his ears. “Yeah. IT’S A POND!”

“Oooh whaddaya say Lan Fan, think we can catch one?” 

_We will need more than one._

“If you all wanna KNOW my Bandages are /Wet/ and I think I might feel Mei!” Ling looked pathetic up there on the bank but when had he not looked pathetic lately? Lan Fan had felt Mei barreling at their location for at least ten minutes at what had to be a run. She was still far off. 

“Good! All the more reason to stay at the pond and catch fish! Now shush you're gonna scare ‘em off!” Greed made a brushing motion with both Lan Fan’s arms and then fought to stay above water. Swimming was hard when your feet didn’t touch the bottom. “Make yourself useful Ling, start a fire. There's enough wood here. We’ll get dinner ready for them,” Greed called, “I’m sure they got a story considering they’re late as all hell.”

Lan Fan ducked under the water with a large intake of breath. Greed almost wanted to ask her why but remembered that there was no air under there. 

Interesting– here was a new plus to mind to mind communication.

Such a whiner.  Her arm pointed to a blunt shape that hid under a shelf of rock.  That a catfish? 

_It has whiskers?_ Lan Fan had fished many times before but going after them in their environment was new.

That’s helpful. It's slow and probably edible- lets get ‘em.

\---

“I'll just Make A Fire I guess, ALONE! With nobody to help me!” Ling felt he could whine if there was nobody around. At the other times he wined had not counted. At least Greed had thought to drop the bag before he made the dumb decision to fuck around. All their junk was nice and dry and that included the matches. 

\---

Oh shit. Forgot to ask- this arm is waterproof, right? 

Lan Fan stuck her metal arm to shift it around in the hole she saw the fish go into. Maybe it was territorial? Regardless, if it ended up having teeth she wouldn’t feel it. _It is a little late to be asking me that now. I take baths with it dumb, it tends to not want to come off._

Just checking! I don't know your morning rituals, figured it be polite to ask - Ed was always bitching about oils. Figured oil and water don't mix but that might've just been him bitching. 

_I take care of my arm unlike him, I am going up for air._

Take your time! 

-

Ling had stopped gathering tinder to watch the still surface of the pond nervously, they’d been down there for a bit? She could hold her breath like a pearl diver, Ling knew, but he should have timed it. Ah, there she was.

Lan Fan broke the surface and shook her head to get the water off her face. Ling dropped his sticks in a haphazard arrangement. “You get a fish yet?” he smiled, noting Greed’s empty hands. 

“You start a fire there, slugger?”

Greed bobbed smugly and Ling held a stick like he was thinking of throwing it.

"Yeah that’s what I fucking thought, keep fuckin talking. Bet you ate the rest of the fruit bars though! Your fat mouth has its priorities in order!”

Ling struck a match and dropped it with disdain on his shittily assembled wood pile. Even though it looked like a half-destroyed toddler’s attempt it burst into flame with a loud ‘FLOOMF’. “It's the Lake Toll. You throw me in the lake, I get all the best fruit bars. Saved you the mango one because it tastes like old people candy.” He made a face.

“Okay. I get it. I'll try to remember that when we go to a lake next time. I seem to be able to recall a summer villa that Lan Fan is currently telling me about.” Greed was glad Ling was getting back to eating every available food option.

Ling suddenly looked very interested, a vacation that was in better conditions would be just the thing for his 'health'. When he got healthy enough to enjoy it.

Alright, Lan Fan dive! Please. 

_It is easier to do this when you do not waste my inhales by shouting to Ling right before we go down._ She submerged again to the view of Ling’s face plainly telling them both he really wanted to join despite his rubbish protests.

You're a tough cookie. Would you like to join the emperor and his eventual guests retiring at the summer villa for his /health/?  Greed grinned entreatingly.  I’m pretty sure I can put in a good word. 

_Bold of you to assume you have the authority to keep me away._

Ha, she wasn't even gonna 'think about it'! Greed liked this Lan Fan as long as she didn't exhibit violence in his general direction.  Said I can always put in a word-  he broke off, noticing something move in the silt Lan Fan had stirred up.  FISH, FISH, FISH! /GET IT/. 

-

Greed reemerged with a large splash, holding a fat fish by the gills, “YO, LING, I'M GONNA EAT THIS THING'S FACE!”

_The eyes are technically the most nutritious parts._

Clumsily swimming closer with the still flapping animal wasn’t the best way to learn how to do it on his own but Greed wanted to try. Reserving his breath for the action of not drowning he was again glad for the mental aspect of their communication, I was totally kidding about the face thing but Good To Know. 

"LING GET READY TO CATCH THIS, I'M CHUCKIN IT YOUR WAY!"

Ling startled, “WHAT? -OOF” The fish hit him square in the chest but Greed was impressed that Ling still clung to the son of a bitch with his normal ability of ‘you’ll have to rip this in half to get it away from me’ he treated most food with.

Greed treaded water. “Alright, spear that sucker up—even I can sense our group is close. I’m gonna go back and see if this guy had a family.” Greed ducked back under, getting sort of the hang of it. When food was the goal he and Ling tended to learn things very quickly.

-

He came back up with two more, one in each hand. “YEAAHAHAHAHAHHA QUEEN OF THE POND. FUCK YOU FISH!” He threw those on the bank far enough away from Ling that it wasn’t a direct attack, and that he didn’t want them to wiggle back into the water. A few more dives, some empty handed, some not, and he finally slogged himself out of the pond. Five more fish were the prize for his efforts. Ling had the first few already cleaned and speared, fillet open because they were rather large. Being ‘kitchen bitch’ (something that Lan Fan came to understand was the person who cleaned things and did small chores like chopping vegetables or stirring something) was the only thing Greed knew he could trust Ling with if he wanted the food to still look like food at the end of his assistance. 

“If I had known you'd liked rooting around in pond scum so much I would have made it a scheduled activity, Greed,” Ling snarked from his half crouch attending the coals.

Greed shook himself like a dog, shucking Lan Fan’s boots to put them upside down right next to the blaze. “The problem is I LIKE our fish, they're expensive and pretty. I ain't about to fist fight them on the regular.” He pointed to the few on the ground Ling had yet to clean, “These guys are uglier than you.” 

Ling decided against throwing fish offal at him. Barely. 

Putting Lan Fan’s hair on it’s way to dry, Greed sat by the roaring fire with a deeply contented sigh. “We need more public waterworks in the city, let’s make some parks.”

“So you can root around in their ponds?” Ling asked.

“So /anyone/ can root around in their ponds! These are public spaces Ling, gotta share with others.”

Greed caught Ling giving him a heavy look. He must have found the pocket knife they stole because he was using that to de-gut their dinner. “Ling, are you mad because you didn't get to go pond scumming with us?”

“No,” Ling frowned. 

“Grumpy cause you can't pond scum.” Greed picked off a stubborn piece of waterweed. “Here, eat this weed I found in the pond- that's for you.” Ling recoiled. Greed advanced with the grossest bit held close to his face. “Pretend it's a medicinal placebo, effect's great for you.” Ling slapped at the dripping plant angrily, knocking it out of Greed's hands into the fire where it shriveled and let out a stench.

“Ling gets to eat weeds and dirt and Lan Fan gets to have fish because she provides for us!” Greed sang. He fanned at the smoke that was laced with whatever the hell that plant was, it smelled worse than them.

“Greed is this how you tell me you care?” Lan Fan broke her silence to strike at the most opportune time, one of her talents.

“SHUT–”

Ling cheered, “WOW LAN FAN, GET HIM!” 

Greed didn’t have any defense ready despite that usually being his talent. Lan Fan mustered another easy jab, “It seems like to me that Greed gives his favored humans the top choices of things-”

“-Lan FAN-,” Greed managed before she could continue.

“–So my lord, you are currently at weeds and dirt.” 

“It has been a long fall from grace hasn’t it?” Ling sighed, playing up a heartbroken air of voice.

“He grows attached so quickly,” Lan Fan observed lightly before Greed put himself to rights enough to surface and start screaming for everyone to shut up. Ling snickered but brought his attention back to the fish so it wouldn’t burn on the one side. He didn’t wanna ruin what was proving to be a much more delicious repast than stolen stolen road rations. Though those had been spiced with criminality. 

Greed sat on one of the logs that wasn’t occupied with boots or Lings. “Well forgive me for getting attached when you’re literally my livelihood AND look what happened when I unattached myself.”

Ling flipped the stick around so the done side of one fillet faced outward. "You're losing your touch, a few weeks without me and you cut it close!" Greed was unsure as to whom exactly Ling was addressing with that one. Lan Fan was busy puffing up in actual offense. 

Greed decided to take the lead if Ling wanted to throw verbal dukes, “Couldn’t even free yourself from the Bed and you had all four working limbs!! Even had your fingers and toes with or without the nails!” He refused to flinch at the last part.

“I’ve never claimed to be entirely self reliant,“ Ling frowned. Why go to all the trouble freeing himself if he didn’t know exactly what lay beyond the door? Then they would just make it harder for him to get free next time!

"That would be a bald faced lie," Lan Fan tossed in herself.

“I hire guards! I’m not that cocky!!” Ling was unused to such a dual pronged attack, though he wasn’t that upset. Or, upset enough to tail off.

“You mean Lan Fan hired guards, last I checked she was in charge of the vetting and acquisition side of things. You only got her since she came with the family title.”

"Close to property ownership Greed, I would not continue," Lan Fan said, her fingers that were at rest balled into a tight fist but then relaxed at what Ling assumed was enough indication of Greed running scared to make her happy. 

"Fair enough! Backing off, but the original point that we all agree on still stands is that Ling's a sad sack on his own."

"This is implicitly understood," Lan Fan nodded.

Perhaps being such a proponent for those two bonding had been a slight mistake? Ling wasn’t quite ready for this level of ‘bonded’. "See then I deserve credit for landing myself in a setup where I'd Never be on my own! You all are not allowed to give me shit for that anymore if everyone's gonna rail on me for sucking by myself."

"While I technically need you (or at least somebody?) to do most things Lan Fan gets what?"  Thank me later, negotiations are a specialty. 

_Pshhh._

"...My eternal respect and gratitude?" Ling grinned, uneasy. She’d had that for years but-

"She's had that for years, what else've you got?"

Oh how Ling hated when the person he was negotiating with actually knew him well. "Have you seen her paycheck?"

Greed did pause at that, he hadn’t gotten to current payroll yet, still mired months back in old accounts. "No I have not—” It looked to Ling like Lan Fan was informing him by how Greed’s face went from thought to shock. “WHOAAHAA THOSE ARE SOME ZEROS! LOOK AT /YOU/, NEW MONEY!

Lan Fan motioned a shrug while Greed was still sounding off about her bank account. “It is not like I have a lot of time to spend it. It usually just goes towards the occasional... ‘knick knack’ that is not a word, it cannot be a word, oh… so it is— and custom weapons. There is still a fair bit left over.”

“I’ll help you spend it!” Greed said proudly, like it was actually to help.

Ling raised his hand, “Don’t forget about me!”

“You pay her, isn’t that a conflict of interest?” Ling objected to the slight but Greed stopped him with a combination of a head toss and wave. “Oh don’t look at me like that, you know I’m joking. It’s not like you can tell her to do something she doesn't want to do.” He regarded Lan Fan, “What I can /also/ do is assist in making more, as a comp y’know. Get a portfolio together. That’s always fun! Can never have too much of a good thing. Anyone who tells you otherwise is a liar and a coward!”

He put a few fingers on his chin, “Except that stuff we drank one time that made me think I was a snake. In retrospect maybe too much of that wasn't a good thing so it doesn't count!”

Ling stuck out his tongue in disgust at the memory. The morning after the snake juice escapade hadn’t been a treat either. 

Lan Fan had the very odd double vision of being able to view the memory of herself helping them to their bed (dragging really) and remembering herself helping him. She blinked at the impossibility of the juxtaposition. 

Greed was able to take it in stride much like many of the other weird symptoms the condition could spring on him. “If you're worried about not having time to spend things we can negotiate for some more free time from your groveling overlord. Remember what I said about having time to play. It's important in a healthy lifestyle!” Lan Fan had not forgotten all his ‘advice’. Ling had almost forgotten their fish, though. She reached down with her metal arm to flip a few and shift a few coals around with her fingers to set things better. 

“Do I even want to know what you two Do?” she asked.

Ling beamed up at her from his seat, “No!”

Greed scratched the back of their head. “Can't hide it right now but I wouldn't... uhhhh... go lookin’.” Arguments for fun sake were one thing but if she delved too deeply their dinner would turn into Ling and him getting their ears reamed out. “You're only on party level one. Once you rank up a bit higher we can talk.” He’d buy some time and if Lan Fan did the unspeakable and went out gallivanting with the group then there’d be less of a high horse she could get atop of. 

“Gotta rank up your party points Lan Fan, get some experience before you play around with seasoned professionals,” he added.

“Is this a competition?” she asked.

Ling stopped shuffling around in the bag of junk they stole, “More of a safety measure?”

“More for me than you but either way, really!” Greed would treat that whole bridge when he got around to burning it down like a frog in a boiling pot. If he turned up the heat slowly enough...

“This sounds like needless complications but no matter.” As far as Lan Fan was concerned the day they were going to beg her to do anything they were thinking of would not come for a while so she could act like it would never come. For now.

Greed sat stock still for a breath. “Ingreedience.”

If Lan Fan was cognizant at all she might have realized that the non sequitur was his gargantuanly belated- two entire days overdue response to her soup metaphor she’d tried to figure out on her own. It was the key component to their ‘recipe’! Ling would have maybe got it. 

Sadly, as it was out of the blue with literally no context that she could hang it on Greed’s phrase just made Lan Fan look around like someone was going to clue her in with a “What?”

“Soup!” Greed elaborated.

“That does not— We are grilling fish. There is no soup. We do not have a pot. What?” She continued to search for what meaning she could and came up empty. “Do you want soup? I need more words than soup. My lord, what does he want?”

Ling had found some herbs and was sprinkling them on the fish he’d pulled from the fire to cool. “I’m not his keeper.”

“YOU LITERALLY ARE.”

Ling thought with them together he’d have to explain less. “Due to my extremely well certified psychic link I'm gonna say he wants soup Lan Fan.” He laid down that she was more equipped to find the meaning than he was presently. 

“How should I even begin to know- I cannot even follow his train of thought when I can physically see it half the time,” she grumbled. “Can you even have cravings for two different kinds of food? Shouldn't you know if you both want soup?” She didn’t want it.

“Ohohohohohoho absolutely,” Greed broke in.

Ling backed him up, “You absolutely CAN.” Lan Fan might have gotten a crash course on many of the things Greed was responsible for in their weird arrangement but there would always be more. 

“It is the same body, why would it— never mind. I forgot everything about this is insane,” Lan Fan said, sullen.

“There you go!” Greed said. Now she was getting it! 

“Lan Fan, if you want to ask how things work I can tell you?” Ling offered. The fish was done and he’d already stripped the biggest and first one they caught at a nod from Greed that he could. 

“You will just say “I dunno”. 

Ling nodded a yeah, she wasn’t far off the mark. “The trick is you just don't think about it and it works fine!”

See?  Greed asked. Lan Fan was too used to this to be astounded at her lord’s exact repetition of a phrase Greed had used not even a day before. 

“Just keep your head empty and receptive and it goes easier. Too many thoughts get in the way!” Ling advised sagely. 

“Mine is not. Empty I mean. I would like it to be soon. Even if I-”

And what could that half a sentence have meant? Oh Greed had himself a very accurate idea of what all that could allude to.  We already know you had fun, fucking baggage aside. 

Ling beamed, “Lan Fan hates the F- word almost as much as you do Greed. Fun or Friend, doesn’t really matter with her.” 

“We can both agree that sometimes we do not like you very much Ling,” Greed snipped. 

“See you are being mean to me but I'm just going to point out that you're agreeing on something willingly and not under duress so who is the real winner here? Though Greed’s a yes man so really who’s losing out here is the better question to pose.” Ling let the silence from the two parties garnish his meal. Negotiating with people who knew him had some nicer aspects. Namely that he knew them just as well. 

Lan Fan spoke first. “Greed is right, you are good at ‘negging’”

Clicking a tongue in a cheeky opener Ling looked at his haggard bodyguard. “Now if I know Greed, and I do, he just did a backflip at 'Greed is right'.”

She rubbed her arm, “It feels weird.”

“Yeah it does!” Ling patted the seat next to him and held up a skewer. “If you wanna sit down Langree, let's eat because at how fast Mei is coming we have about five minutes.”

“Are you somehow channeling Ed or are you psychic in the worst possible way?” Greed asked, he had been half sure Ling wouldn’t figure the name out before Ed got to spoil it for him.

Lan Fan took one of the smaller fish, or tried to until Ling pushed two into her limp hands. There was more than enough. She took it, too hungry to care about her beloved decorum. “You both have the worst naming instincts on earth, I shouldn't even be surprised.”

“I figured it out when I was blasted on pain medication,” Ling explained

“Yeah that figures, ‘blasted on pain medication’ is what I assume Ed's regular day-to-day brain operates at,” Greed said. 

“Would have had a lot of room in there,” Ling offered.

Greed made a face much like the one Ling had at their gift of pond scum. “I like this one, thank you. It's clean here. I assume Ed's mind is more evil laboratory at the outskirts of town than anything else. Side of undomesticated farm boy.” Greed jumped topics, “Lan Fan did you know Ed eats bugs? -Like not even out of necessity, like we had food in the camp.”

“I could have guessed insofar as much,” she said slowly, “Was he grooming Darius for fleas or is that rude to say?” 

“You’d be much more liable to find critters on Ed than anyone else at our camp, even me!” Ling laughed.

Greed heard voices again (not Lan Fan’s) and not only was it other people but /their/ people. “I'm sure Ed had more fleas than either of the chimeras, those two were spick and span compared to him. And speak of the devil- fleabag, and the very gentlemanly animal men, it looks like they're just about here.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ling saying he was not enjoying Greed's screaming was a slight lie. He enjoys it nearly every time. Wouldn't poke the bear if he didn't enjoy the growls.


	31. Rendezvous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A nice group of adults at the Mcdonalds play place we got going on here.

“See Mei, toldja’ she'd try to drown herself. You owe me money.” Ed climbed over the ridge second to spy Lan Fan soaked head to toe. The weird thing was Ling was also wet. But who ever knew what went on with them. 

Mei was already a few yards ahead of Ed and slamming into Lan Fan at top speed, one of them rising to meet her. If the emperor and his two most trusted hands hadn’t been busy gamifying provoking each other for the sport of it, chances were they could have sensed Mei brushing their range before the pond debacle. Despite the needs of why it existed, foremost as a drying agent, having a roaring fire resulted in a net gain. Ling stood by his opinion that (hot) dinner was pretty much always better in a bigger group. 

-

Lan Fan was historically the exact opposite of touchy-feely but the backbreaker of a hug Mei found herself a part of felt way too different to be Greed’s. They had yet to break Lan Fan of the habit of being very reserved, even around Mei, so Mei usually initiated any contact. Mei shared her brother’s philosophies on being reserved. (Only when she Had To.) As she aged it was… less... but she had grown up isolated enough that she wanted to make up for lost time, something Ling was also a victim of with his various indulgences directed at her. Because of the eyes of court he had to relegate exactly when he could be touchy-feely, but that did not mean the onus had disappeared. If anything, the limitations had made it considerably worse. Nevermind about Ling (who wasn't first to meet her, somehow?); Lan Fan’s body slamming into Mei’s own was more novel. Mei found it in herself to be confused even as the poor girl hit her at a run with a very felt ‘AAAA THANK HEAVEN AND EARTH’. 

Mei's feet stayed on the ground. Greed couldn’t resist picking her up; that was the main difference— and maybe Lan Fan being a little more careful with her harder arm. It was nice.

She smelled terrible, but it was nice.

Ling’s hugs were drapery based, he tended to hang off his victim. In opposition, Greed picked up; both mashed too hard.

Mei had long ceased trying to explain, "I am fifteen and you both are the ruler of a large chunk of the world, you cannot act like this," when Ling or Greed basically grafted themselves to her for hours at a time. It was like trying to stop a freight train with a toothpick. As his status as Emperor dictated most of the populace even being arm’s length to Ling was considered nearabouts a crime. Touching even moreso. Ling sometimes thought himself diseased back in the early days, much of his staff even avoiding eye contact.

It wasn’t much different than his childhood, not too many people wanted to voluntarily touch a prince either (except to maim), but it was still isolating. He’d liked Amestris most ardently for allowing him to be as personal space destroying as he internally desired. Ling also liked Greed most ardently for tolerating (a loose definition) his advancing need to be a swarm of one and affix himself to his surface to screams of anger. It helped things. 

In Greed’s case; he was a tactile kinda’ guy. When he asked, “lemme see that," about an object, it meant he wanted to touch it. Amestrians in general were warmer to strangers, as Ling had found out. (Even the military had shit they were doing and chose to be, frankly, way too kind.) Greed, even claiming that he didn’t give a shit, was warmer than most. He had been weirded out when even on the streets of Xing people shied away from things like a clasp of the arm, or his ingrained western handshake. Even as emperor his propensity to touch showed through— to the terror of his subjects. A hand on the back of the head as a supportive gesture to someone bowing as to nearly merge with the ground for the begging of a pardon (emphasis on beg) didn’t read as reassuring. Not that Ling was going to correct Greed, it produced fascinating results! 

Mei was sure their three whole entire days away meant she was gonna be manhandled to make up for that gap of lost time .... such a /shame/ that was. Unavoidable!

Ah, yes, there was the quality change in the grip. Greed was simply waiting his turn. Even though Mei started and carried on with most of her life as very very tiny she wasn’t so very small in more recent days. She was catching up to Lan Fan's height at a speed now and would probably surpass her soon. With the switchover to Greed her feet totally left the ground, disregarding the ballpark heights. Words seemed to be beyond them both, but Mei was able to read the gratitude in how she was held.

Mei knew at least partially why Lan Fan smelled, the pond behind them and her sogginess said that something had taken place to facilitate those two states being related. But by what Mei could pick up on, Lan Fan’s condition was because of very many factors. Lan Fan was not one to do things by half measures. 

Mei wasn't guilty. She had supplied them with enough medicinal supplies in the bag they took with them that there was no way they could have gone through them all. It was all she could have done besides impart them with luck and blessings before they left. What they got into after that was their business; as well as their business to share.

It was also odd that Ling was still not also all over her as to be stifling. Why was that? She looked down from where Greed still had her in the air. Ling was prone on the log next to them and hunched over. Though he was smiling up at her with an approximation of his usual joy Mei could tell even without her routine chi-based scrutiny that something was Wrong.

“Who did this?” she asked, quiet and dangerous. Greed put her down and backed up a pace, leary. 

Ling opened his coat to show his dearest sister his current bandage to skin percentage situation, knowing she would want to see. She would also want to hear his response, “Dead, or going to wish they were when I get a clean bill of health from my physician.” 

Mei's eyes widened at the view but she ceased acting as cold as she had a second ago with the implied promise that she would not only help Ling to that clean bill of health but maybe with the other things as well. If he asked. “Okay!” 

That won a glowing smile. Ling loved his family, they really did so much for him.

-

Ed and company had been close for a while. Mei from her perch of the wide back of Darius suddenly looked up from calm regard of the wild to near freakish alertness. Explaining that she for sure felt Ling and maybe Lan Fan as well she skittered down off her seat to jog in place at their sides. She had wanted to take off immediately but the three men wouldn’t be able to keep up so she would be on her own. Coming to terms that she might need them depending on what she found, she met them in the middle by staying a few yards ahead, stopping to wait from time to time and encouraging them with Xiao Mei in tow as they huffed and puffed up the ridge. Ed would maintain that he huffed and puffed a fair bit less than the other two. 

They had missed out on catching a glimpse of Lan Fan falling into the pond with Ling on her back because of the chimeric delay. Ling had explained their state of being near sopping wet over the fish due to Ed not shutting up until he got a reason why. Edward leered, knowing that couldn't be the only thing that had happened to the three of them, he was sure they had stories. Three days? He was surprised they hadn’t caused some sort of mass destructive event with all that extra time on their hands. 

“So, how’s shit?” he asked, slapping Ling lightly on the shoulder as he passed by him to open the bags Darius and Heinkel had placed next to Lan Fan’s own. 

"Oh you know— we're done with a rager and dealing with the after effects. What do you /think/?" Ling asked sourly. "Did you bring food?"

"We came to get You, what do You /think/?" Ed leveled right back. He gestured to their luggage, "One of these bags is straight potables, who the hell do you think we are?"

"We're starving," one of the ones besides Ling said. "Ling is as well." Whoever spoke regarded them sharply with their deep red eyes like it was an order rather than a comment.

Ed and Mei shared a glance, noting the odd plural. Ed added items from their own stock to what Ling and his group of one already brought to the table, increasing the variety healthily. Ling’s question should have been more like: "Did you pack anything besides food?" but that would go against who he was fundamentally as a person.

-

Greed rubbed his grubby hands, now this was some real sustenance! Finally!! The Elrics weren’t all bad, he remembered– even removing Alphonse from the equation. “Heya blondie! Got our boy,” he motioned to Ling with a ‘ta-da’, “Only half exploded!” Ling mirrored the ‘ta-da’ with a touch less enthusiasm. 

Besides the bright start of the greeting it was hard to tell whom of the Langree set fell on the other food they brought. The bags and cans were more pitched to survive on a shelf (and thus needed next to no preparation besides opening) unlike the fish. They shoveled it in with unfocused eyes, their eyebags doubly pronounced on a face that was normally on the pale side, hidden in the shadows under a mask much of the day. The lassitude of how they moved when set side by side with how Ed saw them to have left was dramatic. No longer were they like two rubber bands pulled in opposite directions, taunt and ready to break. Lan Fan must have knuckled under quicker than Ed thought. That seemed more a Ling thing to do but Ed did remember Heinkel mentioning that he suspected she was nuts in some of the ways Ling was, just better at hiding it. Lan Fan wasn’t a ‘we’-er but she didn’t hug either, so what did he know? 

Mei gave Ling her once over. She wasn’t that hungry to need to eat before she did something so simple as that. That went double upon seeing her brother as he was. He could continue to eat while she did most of it. The fact he wasn’t begging for attention really set her off. Much like Lan Fan, he kept quiet on exactly how messed up he was when it was bad. Unlike her he would scream and wail over a papercut but exactly like her he'd keep a bleeding gash on the down low.

Ed had delved into their bags to set out food and Mei went into hers for the things she had brought with her. The first thing she brought out was a homing pigeon, sleepy with the dark of the bag. It was an antiquated way of communication but there were no phone lines way out here. Ed had laughed at her for bringing the poor thing along, but who was laughing now!? She attached a note to it’s leg that boiled down to a quick missive that said in so many words; ‘don’t you dare jump ship yet, we’re fine’, and most importantly; ‘STALL’ and released the bird to fly back home. As the crow… (or pigeon in this case) flew, it wouldn’t take the pretty thing long to get back to roost.

Edward figured Mei had Ling in hand. He looked real messed up but that was an outcome to all this they had already discussed as being quite high on the probability scale during their train ride to the inn. Two weeks was too long for him to be goofing off. 

He’d survive.

Mei was a genius, even Ed could see that, and if she could pull off smashing those two idiots back together Greed wouldn’t want his ‘ride’ limping along for the rest of his life. He’d shown off what he could accomplish even in his ‘weakened’ state to Ed enough times. Ling didn’t have much to worry about with the detail of both of them helping his already weirdly competent constitution. Ed decided instead to bring his attention to Lan Fan and the reluctant stooge she was still with. 

As he watched her he kept seeing signs that she really did just run her ass basically the whole way to wherever Ling was being held. As well as getting into some serious shit either going to or coming from where she had found him. He saw she was covered in suspicious stains (her black was blacker) and everything except her head was similarly affected. Her armour was entirely missing. He knew that even though it must have been heavy as hell to run with she wouldn’t have abandoned it unless it was destroyed. It was quality stuff, she didn’t look at price tags when it came to equipment. Which led to the question of what exactly had destroyed it? Her mask was M.I.A and the bag them two had originally took was much deflated of round orb-like protrusions that spoke to the continued presence of bombs. Bad signs. 

The retrieval group had expected the worst but seeing a picnic waiting for them even with how those two came off (broken and busted) threw Ed for a loop. A fire, the setting sun, Lan Fan wet (eyes oddly shining in the growing dark), and even MORE oddly— Relaxed-? (Was it relaxed or collapsing? Ed couldn’t tell. With Lan Fan... was there a noticeable difference between the two?) —Was quite the scene to unite the group on. 

As Ed talked to her she assured him that she had not tried to drown anyone, and had, in fact, stopped entertaining the thought entirely. She, and surprisingly Greed, freely let their rescue group know some of the bones of what happened and why Ling’s adage of ‘oh, they’re dead’ on behalf of his captors was so sure and vehement. Greed’s ease of communication set off an alarm bell or two to Ed, and as their bare account grew in length and complexity he only got more skeptical. Not really because of the content of what they chose to share— (standard to him, they HAD caused massive property damage after all. Cool.) but more based on Lan Fan’s attitude— which was lackadaisical at best. (What?) She even shared a few smiles (/What?/) with the homunculus over the specifics of some events. 

While Edward believed her in that she hadn’t meant anything by the pond accident he reconciled himself that she had still lost her grip on reality during the days she’d been gone. It had been his second guess on things that seemed pretty inevitable to happen. There could be no other reason why she'd huffed a few 'hehs' of her own when Greed tittered over recounting a tunnel-based rescue mission and how it had, “gotten messy as hell in there”. 

-

“Why are you only half functioning?” Mei asked, running a light hand on Ling’s side to his overt wince. 

“How is that different than usual?” Ling smiled back. The expression of Mei’s that followed meant he needed to elaborate rather than crack wise. “Bombs are dangerous. Who knew? Also there had been people with some sharp implements.” Making sure to emphasize the ’had’ so she calmed back down, Ling looked to Greed for support. The homunculus nodded emphatically in that bombs were indeed very dangerous. 

Mei’s eyes unfocused a tad. “Yes obviously, but have you looked at yourself spiritually because you look like a box of chocolates after I get into it.” 

Greed leaned over from where he was talking to Ed. “Cheese, you might say?”

Mei giggled. Lan Fan assumed her more usual face of not agreeing with the topic all of a sudden. 

Ling took Mei’s hand in his own to guide her to a spot that felt worse than the rest. “‘S'hard to look at yourself internally and I'd been keeping it tamped down so the mean people with knives wouldn't poke me more!” 

Ling, and as far as Mei could see, Greed /and/ Lan Fan (wasn't that an interesting unified force?) had their future revenge situation covered, for sure, but Mei hoped they would ask for her assistance anyway. She’d fall over herself to give it. 

Ed meanwhile had worked past a few opening questions to go back to Camping Old Reliable option two, which was; 'tease person Greed's attached to': Subset one: 'pit person against Greed?'. This naturally happened to be Lan Fan this time around but she was going against all his estimations by not being very bothered about it.

"So how'sit' going?" Ed asked sweetly, expecting at minimum a glower.

Lan Fan looked down to think about it for a moment, staring at her hands. She brought her flesh and blood one to her mouth, licking a long strip up the palm. Slapping it to Edward's face before he could dodge it, she sat back down as if she'd done nothing odd. Ed sat in abashed silence. "Now you get him next," she said, by way of explanation. 

Now that was some unhinged behavior! She had really gone around the bend! Greed was /impressed/!

Ed, to either his detriment or credit, was too forgone to scream. He used his own spit to absently clean his face. Homunculi didn't work like that. Yes. He was sure enough to not bother sticking his whole face in the pond, routing his gut impulse. Greed had been so quiet. He entertained the notion they'd just fully assimilated each other and that was why bullshitting was something Lan Fan was suddenly capable of. 

After a long pause he held up his own hand, "How many fingers am I holding up?"

"Are you implying your test would work because I can't count, is that what you're implying?" Greed accused. For ease he began using the best approximation of his normal speaking voice. He’d caught Ed confused already. They all couldn’t be like Mei who knew without asking. Greed told himself it was more for the chimeras.

Ed raised an eyebrow at the deeper vocals but shrugged, expression saying clearly 'why not give it a shot?'. "Well tell me this then, in terms of numbers, are you one or two in there?"

"My favorite number is twelve now. I have a favorite number since that is a thing that has to exist, apparently," Lan Fan added, apropos of nothing. Hearing one speak right after the other Ed heard a lot of tonal differences, not fully Greed as he remembered him back in Dublith or the nigh-perfect recreation of that voice coming out of Ling's gob, but still very odd.

"Does have to exist!" Ling grinned from where Mei had him on the ground, half out of his wet and dirty bandages that she was cutting directly off his body with surgical scissors, forgoing the task of trying to unwrap them entirely.

-

Darius couldn't stand seeing the condition of the poor girl Boss had formed a death march with. She looked like an underdone shank, she was wet, and she sounded like she smoked two packs an hour. He smelled she was covered in the stench of gunpowder and the goryer stuff that could come outta a human. Or… lots of humans, in her case. Him and Heinkel had been trying to catch Greed's eye when they were sure it was him looking out of it but had not been quite able to do so. 

They had kept back from the first meetings and informational exchanges of their group merger, getting their own calm dinner in while they surveyed 'the lay of the land'. That was their normal camping procedure and unless directly asked for different they were gonna stick to it. But Ling had never looked as bad as Lan Fan did when the boss was with him. God, Greed was an absolute pig. Darius' face wrinkled in disgust. 

"AY. WHY YOU LOOKIN' AT ME LIKE THAT FOR?" Greed asked from his half glance in the chimera's direction. 

All he received was a very long very tired look that Darius had months in the woods to fine tune.

"We did SO MANY THINGS," Greed said to explain why Lan Fan looked like she lost a fight with construction equipment, "/We/ used to camp at a responsible pace. Ms. /Daredevil/ had to go apeshit." Lan Fan raised a finger, Greed nodded a distracted assent, "I threw her in the pond, I'll fess up. That one was me. BUT /STAYING/ in the pond was HER choice. We had to noodle for catfish!” He indicated the fish that was mostly stripped to bones. “Knew we'd be having company and I thought it'd be polite! Put food on this table!" The table was implied. "Lan Fan is very good! She stopped flipping her shit!" he said reverently.

Ed wasn't only hungry for food, knowledge was hopefully on the table too. “So since you and Greed are chummy now—?” he led. 

“Little bit of an overestimation–” interrupted Lan Fan.

“Oh stop,” interrupted Greed.

“Can I fucking finish? I wanna know, did you get a chance to try the shield? I’m curious if it looks any different on you guys,” Ed cut them both off and asked. Greed resented being treated like a science experiment but he couldn’t resist touting around his superpowers whenever possible. 

Mei was busy pouring over Greed and Lan Fan’s work in keeping Ling clean and besides the addition of pond water they had done an okay job. Once the bandages were off she got to see the medical nightmare in all its horrid glory. She really didn’t want to have seen this wound before two days of care and clean tools. There were plenty of other smaller things wrong with her brother, but most looked like they were scabbing over. He’d taken some lumps to be sure. She pressed most of a home concocted poultice on the big one. She didn’t like how the edges were starting to look red and she wanted to draw out any deep infection if it was setting in. Ling eagerly pointed out he had broken bones as well and asked if she had anything she could do for feet. Mei put a cap on her torrent of anger as only a princess of Xing could to see if she could go about setting anything. Lumps indeed. 

Lan Fan was once again confronted with Greed excitedly begging, but instead of him doing it he had another prompt that took her by surprise.

Wanna try calling on it yourself? Took Ling forever! I’ll make damn sure he knows you did it in no time flat when it took him /months/ to learn. Don’t know why he had such a hard time with it, this ain't no trigonometry. 

Her confusion was evident again.

The one with the shapes. 

_Oh._

You've seen alchemy enough, if you try hard and grease the wheels, you can do a lot! Same fuckin' thing here. Though if you can’t… that’s okay too!  His tone of voice in her head made it seem like it was tooootally fine if she couldn't hack it, but Lan Fan got too much of a knowing feeling raised in her direction to believe that for even a second. 

He didn’t have to make it a challenge. She wasn’t one to fall for such clumsy manipulation, she was interested to try it on her own!

That thought, which Lan Fan did nothing to hide, but also didn’t directly mention, got Greed good. She concentrated for a moment in the silence she had won and Greed kept still to let her think. She had felt him do it enough times and knew the difference between the pulse and her own talents when held up to what he could do. She wove between the grasping arms of the edges of the him that was perceivable and grasped his core in her mind, carefully. She communicated a sort of questioning grunt along the lines of ‘like this?’ and got a pleased nod back.

She prodded at the core a few different ways and after a momentary pause, something responded. Holding out a ‘hand’, the ability flowed out into her control and she fumbled to let it do what it was supposed to. Greed was watching the whole time with an embarrassing amount of pride, which she shooed off. 

“I dunno, you tell me— Probably not gonna use it again after this,” she said calmly as the now familiar feeling built up over her chin to her forehead. The head area would be fine for a demonstration. It was also rather difficult to do the rest. 

Ling was holding his now cared for side in new pain but did look at what Lan Fan was doing with a complicated mix of jealousy and interest— when his face wasn’t messed up by feeling totally icky. 

Ed put a hand on his chin, full scholar, “Yeah looks about the same. Maybe a little rounder.”

“Oh yeah? What do you figure, Mei?” asked Greed absently, somewhat interested in the younger girl’s opinion. He was too busy grinning ambiently like a loon for much else. 

Mei had both her hands on her face, really giving Lan Fan a good look. Her cheeks puffed out in thought. “Hmmm—” she started, but shrugged abruptly, “I dunno! I’ve never seen it before!” she giggled. 

“WHAT?!” Ling exclaimed from his pout. Greed barked an audible wailing laugh, that was /right/– Mei usually wasn’t even awake when they went out to go use his more ‘hands on’ way of getting things done! Ling must be FURIOUS. 

Ling was beside himself, and not only because Greed was sitting by the fire. Mei hadn’t /seen him/? She hadn’t ever seen how cool he looked?!

Mei was meanwhile asking if she could touch Lan Fan’s face, all curiosity, saying how it looked really pointy with the teeth and the red. 

“You know— I look like that too! And I’ve been using it longer!” Ling pointed out.

“You mean Greed’s been letting you use it, it’s him really,” Mei said, not meanly but just to clarify. Ling clutched his shirt front, visibly offended.

Greed didn’t have eyebrows or the ability to make much expression like this but Ling knew him -very well- and was able to interpret exactly what he thought about a statement of clarification like that. 

  
“I am /capable/!” Ling accused. He could be scary and deadly, all on his own! He knew Mei didn’t necessarily require anyone protecting her but he was her big brother and it was kind of a big brother Thing! He’d learned that much in the year they’d interacted! She didn’t have to go to Greed if she wanted violence! He was here, too! 

“Yeah, but like— Greed is, you know, stronger,” she said, hanging off Lan Fan’s arm and poking at her cheek with her kunai that she’d gotten back. 

Greed put his nose up, proud. "NUMBER OF EXPLOSIONS I HAVE BEEN INCAPACITATED BY: ZERO." He continued his new tirade for Mei. He called Ling a wuss for Ling. Leave him alone three minutes and he was already wilting without attention!

"Ask him why he dumped us both in the lake, just Ask!" Ling shot. Incapacitated also counted when you turned into an inanimate object for days in his opinion! 

"Mei, do you perhaps have a compact? I would like to see this for myself." Lan Fan pointed to her face. Mei had brought literally anything and everything. Yes, she had one. She handed it, lurid pink and overly studded with semiprecious stone along the back, over.

Lan Fan's eyes widened at herself in the small mirror, that was one part of an expression her face could pull off even stiff as it was. "Oh." 

Oh? Only 'oh?'. Well it was Lan Fan so any departure from neutrality or veiled dislike was a thing, Greed guessed. He'd take 'oh.' Ling at least knew how to talk shit up.

"That's— this is very interesting!" she went on, touching red lines that went from her eyes to her chin. "I probably look moderately scary like this?" 

Nah, your normal is scarier. I've seen this face do far less damage and honestly it's more emotive than your usual mask. 

_Compliments will not get you favors._

Aw. Gotta stock up on favor D.I.Ys now, it's my primary currency these days. Also that one came from the heart and not my wallet.  "Also Meiiii, my precious briolette—! I bet you did so asking is extraneous– but did you grab that aloe sunburn stuff on your way out? Bet Lan Fan's gonna want that." Greed asked aloud. Verbal endearment was out? Then he'd move to acquisitions. 

_You do not have a heart._ As they were how they were Greed knew she meant, like, for real and not in the spiritual sense. He also got an understanding that she thought he thought 'heart' and 'wallet' were synonymous. If the saying went you got to a man's heart through his stomach, which- yes you did when it was Ling. Or, if Lan Fan tried real hard she could stab that far on someone else, then appealing to Greed's wallet wasn't…. wrong, really.

Lan fan-?  He led into an open question.

_No you cannot borrow mine for honest compliments._

The heart's just a blood pumping organ, it's the sentimentality of it that counts! Gimme /something/ here! I gotta use the phrases you all  (you all being humanity at large)  have invented, they weren't custom made for my situation and I’ve had to adapt to it. Least you could do is be fair! 

Fair? _I wonder how the phrase 'a stone throw away' works with you. Want to try?_ Lan Fan took a page out of her lord's book and tried to put something 'innocent' into the threat.

Aww see, these have far less kick now that I know you don't really mean it, Greed smiled briefly.  Please don't actually do it though, I don't wanna walk back from the mountains again. 

Lan Fan put aside the logistical implications of that request. _I bet you would skip at least seven times in this pond._

There was definitely a slightly nervous tint blooming in what she perceived as his being.  I'm sure Ed would take you up on that but let's leave it as a thought experiment for later! 

"Edward, how many times do you think you could skip Greed's stone across this pond?

Ed had been a touch on edge when the grey head of Lan Fan’s swiveled to his direction but he puffed a snort at her question, "Given that surface area I'd say three times, tops." He bared his teeth evilly, "Why? Wanna test?"

"You can look for a pebble by the shore that looks about right if you want to test dumb junk that don't matter," Greed muttered.

Ed hadn't listened. "Hmm his stone dissolves in blood, do you think it'd dissolve in water? Could make the Philosopher's Pool?"

"A fraction of immortality in every cup!" Ling affected a voice like a radio jingle, taking a small break from saying 'ow' at Mei's investigations every few seconds.

I could give you an embolism Lan Fan, I'm mostly in your pulmonary artery,  Greed said brusquely.

Empty threats were even more empty when they came from both sides. _You would just die with my body and that would be the end of it for both of us, wouldn't that be most sad?_

Greed didn't expect better of her, that would have been boring! "Ah well...Wanna play chicken?"

Ed was muttering about parabolas but he looked at their change in mood. Maybe his original plan of ‘pit twofer against themselves for entertainment’ was still viable.

"I have never lost. Do you think I would blink from blacking out? I welcome it," Lan Fan challenged. She had figured out how to wipe the grey off her skin in the minutes of verbal white belt duking. It came off like pepper sprinkles. Her hair settled back around her face.

"Fuckin'- Ling! She's no fun to threaten!" Greed whined. 

Ling looked green around the gills, "Threaten better, then?" he advised. Heinkel dabbed at his forehead with a handkerchief. Mei was red around the hands, but cleaning herself up, done for now. 

_Did you threaten my lord like that?_

Big no. He doesn't know what an artery is beyond shit like 'cut those places for better bleeding'. If I said carotid he was like: 'Why are we talking about carrots? I'm hungry!'  Greed did push a portion of appreciation her way for dismissing the shield on her own as well.  Our threats were more spiritual. I'd say I'd throw him to the souls to be assimilated, He'd say he wouldn't stop singing nine thousand bottles of beer on the wall until he fully dissolved. So those were our stalemates. Most of them. 

Lan Fan knew from long sessions of Ling recounting such things that what Greed said was one hundred percent true, but the chaser of felt nostalgia over those stalemates was a new addition.

Recently we've swapped over to betting instead, it's more amicable for all parties and also way more entertaining! 

_To you maybe. As a third party I can say it is much less so._

Greed let that one float without comment. He watched Ed sifting through rocks on the shore, weighing them in his hands and whispering. Mei was eating now that she'd seen to Ling, Xiao Mei at her side. How she could eat after rooting around in /that/ in the daylight Greed didn't wanna know. Darius and Heinkel were getting Ling settled to rest, used to doing that the dozens or more times Greed had accidentally let it get bad at camp.

Lan Fan and Greed were off to the outskirts of the quiet bustle of activity. Greed was accustomed to it but Lan Fan usually desired making herself useful. She supposed the most useful thing she could do was conserve herself and rest as well. A staying hand of approval from Greed backed her assumption.

You ah, know…  he watched Ed whiff two or three skips to curses and let a pause lull wide enough Lan Fan thought he'd gotten distracted,  if holeyer-than-thou has to pass me off because of some other bullshit down the line I actually wouldn't mind. I think. You know... like, uh, if we had to? 

_You would have to cash in a lot of favors._

There was much Greed could say about that comment, about how different it was to attitudes of when he first found himself here. He was no patch on Ling with running his mouth- he could gab. But he didn't. 

If Ling needed it. We can just hang out without us double booked... but if Ling was in DIRE need... we could swing it—? 

Lan Fan also watched Ed whiff a throw. They could swing it. _I will miss the shield._

Greed took the out her verbal answer was.  Thanks for quantifying me by my usefulness as a tool. And here I was liking you for your personality. Just ask and point and I can freelance you a shield any time. 

_Try to stay put next time._ That thought came across with much more conviction.

She didn’t need to get so heated over it.  I'm not gonna fall out of him with a paper cut, we bleed /all/ the time. 

_If that is the case if I was quantifying your usefulness as a tool you would be moved down a peg for that statement._

A frown radiated outwards,  So much for asking for you as my second the next time Ling drives me up a wall. 

_You would need a much better excuse than cabin fever "next time"._

It had been a long few days. If Lan Fan was already at the threshold of dropping, the fact they had found adults (and people who knew what they were doing) (Mei) was causing her to go completely boneless. It had been days of being stuck like this, so thinking plainly about it she didn’t care if Greed knew they could swing this again. It was a good thing the gang hadn’t found them while she was still in the pond as it was probable that she and Greed would've just drowned out of relief. 

Besides scraping up the gumption to go a few feet of stepping out of the way of someone bustling around the fire or to eat no great movement was possible. Their help had arrived so the frayed strings holding things together had finally snapped. It was also probably why Ling was more letting himself be moved than moving on his own. Lan Fan couldn’t blame him at all. It wasn’t so bad. 

On that specific note... "So, Mei, how do you think we should go about doing This?" Greed indicated Lan Fan and Ling.

Ling’s head rose shakily from his full recline to whisper "Mei fix?" repetitively under his breath some dozen times like he was casting some sort of spell. His green had gone more grey. 

Mei, on her end, was not quuuuite sure how to 'fix'... but her and Ed had talked a lot of theory on the trip over, she forgot he was smart sometimes. They were both banking on like things attract.

“I was gonna just zap you and hope?” 

Ling laid back down, “Ah.”

Mei pressed two fingertips of hers together, “Have Lan Fan stick her hand in your chest wound, then? Did you try that already?”

“Ew.” Lan Fan wrinkled her nose. Greed resisted on commenting that she had jammed almost her entire arm in some stranger’s chest cavity only a day ago and she was that shy not to do it for someone she knew?

“Can do a blood brother handshake? Cut on both hands-? Since Greed’s been being pulled to Ling this whole time maybe he’ll just snap over?” Ed asked. He’d abandoned his rocks, for now. 

“YES! BLOOD COVENANT!” Ling shouted from the ground. He and Ed started chanting the word blood, picking up volume and excitement on each repetition. 

Darius and Heinkel looked to each other, weary. It was just like old times. Although if it was exactly like old times those boys would have had a dirt circle on the ground and one ankle tied to the other for their 'high stakes' entertainment. 

A good old fashioned woods cage match, sans cage. Fun couple of weeks for the men who'd long aged out of that rigmarole, for sure. Coming back to scenes like that from foraging, Edward trying his best to dig his thumbs in Greedling's eye sockets... The impulse to simply walk right back into the woods they'd emerged from was also strongest those couple of weeks.

Ling eventually broke off from his chanting to sigh a mood ruiner, "A helpful suggestion! It would probably be good to try something easy like a handshake first 'cause after I got holes punched in my chi I was in a coma for a week!" 

"Baby."

It was hard for Ling to locate who said that because it had been whispered from a few party members. He frowned. Nobody pointed any fingers. He knew unions were important but solidarity was no fun when he was the one being united against.

Greed sat straight, "Baby has-" Ling picked up the wet rag that was on his forehead and started to twist it in his hands, arming it locker room style. Greed sneered."—/Ling/ has a point. Regardless of how we get this done there's Lan Fan in the equation as well. She'll most likely be comatose for at least three days. Just putting that out there for consideration."

Nobody in the rescue group found issue with Greed's assessment, he tended to spell out matters of the corporeal form straight. The exception to the majority was Lan Fan.

"I will not, I think two days will suffice." 

"Do you have to try and win at being in a coma?" Greed asked.

"Yes."

"Sure!" Whatever floated freak-girl's barge. "ANYWAYS setting aside how well Lan Fan battles the Void there's gonna be an issue of dead weight for a bit going home if we do stuff out here. Though since we have some muscle I don't think it's a worry." 

"You didn't even ask us, boss." How did Darius /know/ they'd be carting members of their group on stretchers.

"Are you not gonna carry the lady Darius?" Greed grinned. 

Darius had carried the then prince when his boss let that boy drop; he didn't have the heart to have him drag himself where he needed to go. Greed was dealing a low blow using who he occupied as a bargaining chip. 

Heinkel had kept quiet, first speakers to the difficulty of a task got the short stick. Someone had played their hand early and drew unwanted attention. That someone had forgotten the 'Woods Rules'.

Some beauties among Woods Rules were: keep your mouth shut, and first one to bring it up has to do it. There were only a few laws in that lawless place.

Heinkel supposed he'd have to carry Ling. He'd seen Mei wrapping his feet and cautioning gently (it being Mei she looked like she was going to slap him) to stay off of them. Mei at least had him no longer oozing. A step above ooze. Not great or healthy by any means. If that boy was an antelope Heinkel would go to cut him from the herd for sure. It brought him to mind of how many would-be-death-if-he-wasn't-immune-presently experiences the half homunculus had endured under his and Darius' mystified watch. They'd always wondered how in the hell he'd got on without immortality or the 'door prize' of what Greed supplied him. Now they didn't have to wonder. Emperors had attendants normally but Ling’s were more literal in that he shouldn’t be left Un-attended. 

Heinkel tapped Darius on the arm even as he stared down their boss who was busy trying to affect a doe-eyed look and looking more like he was blinded by a flash bang. He held up a coin. "Heads gets boy, tails the homunculus." Darius grumbled, that was about as fair as they could make it.

Ling had so missed the old woods where he was not hurt but at least he had these fine gentlemen again! No objecting to carrying him! They were so very /kind/! They weren't objecting about Lan Fan either, really, just Greed and his old games. That brought on fond memories too, of Greed letting his vision go funny on accident because he'd forgotten to eat. Immortality didn't save one from hunger, just dying of it! 

The food he'd had was finally settling but Mei had told him to sit until they moved, no arguments. Oh were her attentions a literal balm. She'd used almost a whole jar of balm, actually. He looked nearly mummified from the neck down but he couldn't bring himself to care, those balms had topical painkillers.

He was finally putting his metabolism to good use and getting the nutrients where they needed to go. He'd been wasting a lot of it before in fight or flight responses and generalized anxiety.

Ed, not hiding that he was disappointed they stopped chanting blood, cleaned the very few utensils they had used and stuffed the garbage they had generated into a sack for later disposal. "So we doing this now or what- it's gonna be dark soon. We setting up camp? We taking a run at getting back to the palace? What's up?"

"Ughghggh Ling it would be better if we could be seen separate to you at the palace, which we should make a run to for today." Greed looked to the sky in pain over having to wait but he'd come up with the idea and it was a pretty rare opportunity to not take advantage of it. "I go rampage and make people confused? In case that truth guy did die in the mines."

Ed blinked, "Who?"

"Eh, later, tell you all about it," Ling waved him off. 

Greed scratched the back of his head, "I probably should do a rampage cause if I know the palace they're like sharks with blood in the water with something wrong over there." A concurrent rampage from him and them seeing Ling attended to by his doctor-sister would fuck up a lot of theories very nicely. It'd be loud enough to put a stop to some machinations until Greed could get his foot back in the door over there.

"Like- I love a rampage but I'm not even relishing the idea," he added. He was fucking /spent/.

"I wanna rampage," Ling complained. 

"I knowwwwww," Greed echoed his tone. Ling was always down for a good rampage. Greed also remembered Ling promising him a good one some time during the jumble of shit he'd been through in the last few days. He'd keep the promise in mind as a motivator for later. Had to get the other party up to rampage readiness. "You can sneak back in easier that way and after half of month of no show that's probably for the best," he said with a heaping helping of 'I know you know we gotta but I know you know I don't wanna' in his voice, "especially since the cover is you're ill and not blown up."

"Lan Fan got a FEW of her rampages already! It's my turn!" Ling sulked.

It said something that the rest of the group was silently packing during their exchange. Ling took it that they wanted to get him home as soon as possible first and not that they thought the topic wasn't worth bothering with.

It was a miracle they arrived as fast as they did, Ed had explained about the beads and the rain. It was… something to Ling to know that more than two people were deeply upset that something had happened to him. His country of two had expanded exponentially, tripling in size. Xiao Mei counted as a subject. She cared too, in her way. 

What would things have been like had he not realized he cared about the strange Amestrians enough to kick himself at the time for doing it at all? It was the end of the world then, (kind of actually on the promised day proper). Ling had gone nearly ballistic when he realized that he was as ready to sacrifice himself for that group in the capital as he was for his own people. He could have made an argument that those strangers had /done things/ for him, and what—? had his country done besides try and kill him? For trying his best to help it? But that wasn't the core of it. Countries were easy, individuals were hard. Still.. much like he'd forced himself into Greed’s friend circle that Greed would literally die before admitting it existed, Amestris had forced itself on him. 

His inner monologue, while it was similar as well as concurrently occurring with Greed’s softer admissions of his true desires during that final fight, was much more full of resentment that he’d allowed himself to be so compromised. He was supposed to be calculating! Friendship was something to be used as a tool! That’s what he’d learned at home anyway. He hadn’t cared about a single one of those nonentities! Near the beginning he’d almost convinced himself that it was Better that he hadn’t cared. Then he cared about Edward. He’d started as a literal meal ticket but changed quickly to a more metaphorical one with his connections. Alphonse came next, but it was hard to learn of his state and not care somewhat for the boy who was so courteous on his own. The longer Ling existed in that faraway hovel the more he found interesting about it. People willing to help him for no real gain. He bullied the hell out of Mustang but he was more decent than he should have been as a self proclaimed pragmatist. Even the glancing meetings— There was that woman in the jail, too. Ms. Ross? How was she holding up? He really should send her a telegram or something. Ah- his wandering mind! 

All he wanted on that day after experiencing basically every emotion to exist in the span of less than twenty four hours was to go the hell home. He’d gotten a lot of wounds over the day’s events (healed except for the ones that were emotional— oh those were practically /infected/!) but on the day proper he was really smarting over the self inflicted one of having to tear himself away from those people. Ling to this day marvelled over the fact he’d been ready to offer Alphonse the very thing he’d searched for to save his country. (Al was the better Elric for sure, that wasn’t to be disputed by most people. But helping a guy out and doing a thing like /that/ were two different strata! Had he brained himself?) How was he supposed to govern his country if he was doing soft shit for people willy-nilly? Maybe Lan Fan had a point. And he’d been thinking Lan Fan had points? Overzealous was her deal, he always took her points with a helping of salt. 

Ling had grabbed Mei, (who he barely knew anymore but at least belonged home with them-!) and blew that pop stand… with some promises that they could come visit. If they wanted. Ling had never really had friends over before.

“You ever think about what a complicated confluence of events results in how you live your life?” Ling asked Lan Fan as he watched the chimera flip a coin on something. They were sitting next to the luggage and not blind to the fact that luggage was what they basically were themselves. 

“Are those painkillers taking effect?” she asked.

“Yes, but I have my faculties.”

She looked dubious but let that go. 

“Merely commenting on how fate is odd more often than not,” he said.

“You make it odder than it usually is,” she replied.

“Just because I do that does not mean I cannot find it remarkable.”

“Why do you bring it up now?” Lan Fan asked, she had thought a lot about questions startlingly like Ling’s in the last day or so.

“No special reason. Maybe present company?” The grin he wore while admitting that was distinctively carnivorous. 

Lan Fan got his broader nuances. "I told you, 'do not get attached'-"

"This is not the time! You know I love getting attached!" That, he admitted, was the pure truth. 

"I said to you on the ox, I said, 'My lord, do not get attached to these people- they are crazy."

Darius stamped the dirt, Ling guessed he lost the two out of three. "I /know/ you /said/. It was listed along with 'Do not get possessed' and we all see how that went. I sort of went and did just that very thing, didn't I? Should have been impossible and yet I found a way," he grinned.

"ARE YOU PROUD?" she said it louder but not very angrily. 

Ling put a finger on his chin. "Kinda? I have always liked setting new bars."

"You are supposed to raise the bar, not lower it." She hadn't spoken this way in years but something in her was /loving/ it. Something about Ling's expression told Lan Fan her lord was similarly excited.

"New bars are good as well. What if I'm to have a new bar, just for me? So I can raise and lower it at will? Besides, Amestris was not so bad. We got what we came for." His expression was implying 'and more besides' with every bit of sincerity.

Only you. Only you, Greed muttered.

"So I assume you had quite the adventure?" Ed asked. He could make and break camp with top professionals and he also knew walking needed talking points. They'd gave him the five minute throw down but that was just the table of contents for the whole tale.

Mei appeared at his elbow to beam them a look akin to Ed's. Lan Fan viewed them both with distaste. Edward better not be rubbing off on her.

"Really not bad, huh? It wasn't, was it? And here you were talking like a funeral director a couple days ago! Tell me about your experiences!" Ed goaded. 

"I'm also interested to know if my brother BEHAVED HIMSELF," Mei threatened. 

Greed was back to the forefront like a lightning strike, "I had /said/ I wasn't that bad. I told her so! Usually above gloating like that, but told her."

"I am not petty to individuals that hold my life in their hands but I had also told her many times and I dislike repeating myself," Ling added. "Greed sucks sometimes, yes, but not when it is important to not!"

"Don't have to sell it like that," Greed said.

"I do," Ling said pleasantly.

"He does," Ed and Mei echoed, though they couldn't hear it; they were both sure Lan Fan also threw her hat in that ring.

"I need homunculus for proper ruling of country, thank you. Important. Like a good pen," Ling explained. 

Ed thought maybe Xing deserved better but Xing was a fickle mistress so maybe it did deserve just that.

"Lan Fan gets I'm good at the job, finally. I been saying, if you're gonna press me into work I'm gonna be good at it. Do the thing fucking ONCE so ya don't have to do it again. Work hard, play hard. Right, Lan Fan?" Greed tried to get up shaking all the while to boast at his full height of not-a-lot tall. Mei lent a hand which he gratefully accepted.

"...Right," Lan Fan sighed.

Ed had been less shocked when he'd learned his father was a sage of old. Mei looked like this development was within projections but had not had a good percentage of fruition. 

"Lan Fan."

She took the time to corporeally aim a gesture at Greed even though it looked like she was talking to the bag at her side, "WHAT?"

He paused, smiling after a moment, "Just like to say it."

Heinkel'd had enough. It was time to get while the getting was good. "We can make it to the car if we start now." 

Ling and Greed looked up simultaneously like twin groundhogs, everything else suddenly phenomenally unimportant. "CAR?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Passenger pigeons were extinct around this time but I like to headcanon Xing's got a huge breeding population. Birds dont care about homunculi weirdness as much as mammals, brains too small. Greed realized this when the courtyard chickens clamored for food from him as ardently as they did with Ling. He thought birds were mean too but it turned out peacocks, which he'd had run ins with, were just Like That
> 
> "DONT TELL ME YOU BROUGHT A BIRD," Ed said, watching Mei bring the rumpled thing out of her bag to give it water. 
> 
> "WELL HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO TELL ALPHONSE ANYTHING?" she asked.
> 
> "LET HIM BE, HES A BIG BOY."
> 
> "THATS MEAN, EDWARD"
> 
> Ed shrugged. "SEND YOUR GREMLIN."
> 
> "ED/WARD/. XIAO MEI IS NOT A GREMLIN."


	32. Long Road

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vehicular Transport? Absolutely yes.  
> More walking to go there? Noooo.

"OOHH YOU BROUGHT A /CAR/?" Greed shifted on the ground excitedly, half aborting trying to get up to search the darkening trees for the presence of the absent vehicle. Ling was equally interested, though he wasn't trying all that hard to get up, not wanting to repeat Greed's failures on that front.

Darius and Heinkel simultaneously shouted that, "None of you but ESPECIALLY not /YOU/, " while both pointing to Greed, "are allowed to drive!!"

"Nobody teen aged is driving AT ALL," Heinkel elaborated, spittle nearly flying out from under his mustache. Ed and Mei didn't voice anything besides a vague disappointment which probably meant they had already asked a few times on the trip up. The two that could heaved much emptier bags on shoulders with nary a loud grumble. Ed dumped water on the fire thoroughly; no forest fires (unless intended) on his watch.

"I'm two hundred?" Greed tried. Lan Fan's big eyes were good for innocence but there was an apparent limit on selling the look depending on who was using them. 

"NO. THAT IS NOOOOT GONNA WORK AGAIN," Darius shot. His temper was usually difficult to rouse but did the homunculus ever bring it out of him. "We had a Great Car when Ed found him in that shack until the boss got uppity about showing off," he explained quietly for Mei's benefit. Lan Fan probably knew already? Least when it was Ling and the boss together Darius rarely had to explain something that only one should know to the other. He had grown weary of trying only to be met with versions of “I know,” from the both of them so it hadn’t taken him long to give up.

Reluctantly throwing his temper aside, Darius remembered he did lose the skirmish of who was carrying whom and sullenly went over to his current dependant. The one who insisted on getting his dander up. Even if she was unfortunately also Greed he thought he won out with the more compact Lan Fan until he went to actually hold her in his arms with a polite, "Excuse me, miss". It was like picking up bricks. Bricks that immediately started to whine in a gravelly half-familiar voice about arm placements.

"Trade?" he asked Heinkel even as his companion bent over to pick up his own wincing emperor of baggage. 

"Oh nuh uh, we flipped a coin three whole times. Even let you call it. I get this," he replied, hefting Ling with a grunt. 

"I'm infirm!" Ling smiled, settling in to being carried like he was born for it. 

He was by far the easier carry but he was also way more injured and the very top of the local legislative assembly. He made up for lacking physical weight with emotional weight in Heinkel's opinion. A man rivalling Heinkel's own height scrunching himself to be easily portable should be embarrassing for at least one of the parties involved, but both were used to it. Heinkel wasn't even polite, more resigned. He did accept the extra squeeze and solemn thanks Ling quietly voiced while he helped the emperor up with equanimity.

Lan Fan's mouth was still going. "Gentle you great lummox, cradle the back of the head. I know I'm paying you. One of us is paying you. Someone is. We will. Lan Fan, stop trying to scowl. It's literally so comfortable to be carried like this. Look at Ling's technique, he's like a baby monkey. Watch your hands, Darius."

  
  


Ling was indeed just teetering on a blissful edge of unconsciousness. He would absolutely settle for being carried bridal style by a large man and eating crackers; happily allow it, actually.

Lan Fan was much less used to it but found herself not unduly stressed for /once/ in literal weeks so she was also basically out for the count.

The both of them sagged like docile sacks as the group struck out from their camp. 

-

Ed watched Ling be cradled and happily eat crackers he had intended for himself. "Ling, you're a fucking joke."

"This is why you have trouble making friends. I will tell You a joke; I do not have to walk so who is laughing?"

Ed laughed, lowly, "By the looks of those bandages? Me." Edward knew he was kinda intense but it just attracted a different set of people that chose to stick around. Calling the person running the country they stood on names while the other one that could lay claim to the title as well as execute him for doing that crap (and that being Totally Legal) watched wasn't smart. 

A plus to the thing was Ling was a friend way before being a ruling powerhouse. 

The title of 'Best' may have already been claimed but Ling thought roughly the same about the blonde bastard. Looking down from his huddle he frowned. "Can still laugh… it just hurts. So /Ha/." He brushed his throbbing side lightly in reaction to barking the singular laugh. "Ow."

As soon as walking came up the other one(s), most of the rest not really sure who again, gave very pointed looks to everyone that enunciated quite clearly that Ling was; 'NOT ALLOWED TO DO THAT. DO NOT LET HIM SAY HE CAN WALK' and 'NO MORE SELF-MADE MOBILITY FOR THAT ONE' which is where the decision to carry them had sprung from. It had thankfully not been brought up. Darius and Heinkel thought that Ling himself must have gotten an earful from his… Lan Fan sure as hell wasn't an underling. Vassal. 

They still weren't sure what status Greed was to Ling (it tended to differ based on Greed's moods) but him being Greed's vessel of sorts meant that the two understood that Greed had probably already skinned the boy alive for being in the state he was. Figuratively speaking. He looked too skinned alive for real for Greed to want to attempt to add to it. Could you give someone a piece of your mind if you normally claimed that place as your residence? Whatever.

Ed wasn't done. "Looks like your body situation is mostly a Greed problem now. Does that make you feel better?" Ling had ate shit enough in front of him that Ed knew Greed's skills, this instance was just... a little excessive. He didn't have alchemy anymore and his medical knowledge was more for field dressings, but with Al and Mei to help surely nothing was permanent. He could help by lending an ear. Greed was tied up with correcting Darius’ gait so he didn’t rattle Lan Fan’s arm straight off her body’ to overhear his inflammatory remarks.

How could Ling be done with that whole sleeve of crackers already? "Edward Elric! Greed is not just a cure all to my wounds, all that he does is services rendered by someone skilled and-"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stuff it," Ed said dismissively. Well well! Someone was moving up in the world. Ling must have gotten hung out to dry if he was talking so pretty about his live-in nurse. Sometimes Ed found himself missing his old arm even if it was a pain in the ass, absence made the heart grow fonder. Or something like that. It looked like the only thing a certain someone's absence had done was make Ling grow almost deader.

At least the car was downhill, the only thing they had to worry about was not to turn an ankle or drop anybody. Fucking mountains. Why did Xing insist on having mountains?

Ed was sure he'd hear the trio's whole story later when they told it to Alphonse but he was curious Now. He'd come all the way out here on retrieval, sure, but this looked almost like a rescue. Lan Fan wasn't one to be a rescue! 

"Lan Fan you wanna tell me more on why you're looking like something the cat coughed up?" He'd normally be less blunt with a girl (he'd learned a lot) but she valued the no bull approach. To support his choice of words Mei didn't even look at him weird as she lightly stepped along, a stride and a half to every one of the chimeras. 

Lan Fan opened lidded eyes, her dark pupils visible now that they were ringed in a flush of red. "Stuff," she elegantly explained.

"Okay then! Greed, your comment on dinging up the rental?"

Her head took a lilt to the side, "Don't talk about someone like that who can kill you even like this?" he advised.

Ed sucked his teeth and chose to take the advice in earnest. "Greed, comment about dinging up Ling's most trusted and skilled retainer?"

He appeared to think on it for a beat, "None whatsoever."

Alright, he'd hear about it when they told Al! "So the twenty four hours thing ended up thrown to the dirt, huh?" Ed asked.

"You know our meetings always run long. Had to address so many up and coming complaints from different parties, you know how it is," Greed shifted a shrugging motion from his curl. "Mostly the same complaint but many parties."

Ed had somewhat of an idea of the sort of complaints they could have fielded. "Parties being disbanded with ah, let's say... force?" His tone bordered on begrudgingly impressed.

"Had to disband some party heads— from their shoulders mostly." Greed’s exposure to Ling showed itself strongly in certain phrases, in the delivery even moreso. Greed and Ed disagreed a lot but applications of violence wasn't usually a sticking point. Ed couldn’t help but be reminded of exactly what he'd do if Al was in danger and harmonized his grin with one that Greed was flashing.

"You know you tell people break it up? Well we broke them. Up," Greed chuckled.

The thing Ed knew, really, is that Greed whined, and bitched, and moaned, but he really /really/ enjoyed his place. Greed had always been kinda nice, nicer than he should have been, even on their first ever meeting, back when he was playing at being an antagonistic force. Ed’s hindsight was even better than 20/20, Greed may have had Ling helping him for most of the times they sparred, but he was an actual threat on his own. The guy had been messing the hell around that first time in that bar basement. He had been punching through solid rock, if he wasn’t fooling he could have exploded Ed’s braincase. He had the grit on committing to things, when shit was serious. Especially things he wanted to protect. Ed wasn't proud to admit a lot of their "If I fucking Have to!" prattle was similarly styled- in that it was total pretence. 

"Lan Fan, additions?" Ed wouldn't leave her out.

"I stabbed a guy through the chest."

So much for subtlety. 

She appreciated no bull because she herself was blunt as a rock.

"I used twelve bombs on one other individual and also myself. I left several craters up the road."

So there was one reason she looked the way she did. "Oh? And how was that?" Ed inquired lightly. 

"There was one in the ground and if my...shitty... memory serves, two in my skull-"

Greed interrupted her, she wasn’t good at making excuses… Explaining… what happened. Too blunt. No flair. "It was like a 'I'll take you with me' kinda thing? The one crater. But we didn't have the intention of going anywhere. Get me? The one we made was on account of the other two the guy made." His hands moved to and fro to underline various points in the way a salesman’s did as a distraction from their shoddy product. 

Huh, alright. That played with how Ed knew Lan Fan could act. He eyed her metal arm.

"Greed! When were you gonna tell me Lan Fan has a concussion?" Mei chirped up. She had been busier with her brother but that was not something to ignore!

"Not anymore she don't."

Mei looked skeptical. An arm of hers stretched to the limit to slap the back of her hand on Lan Fan’s brow like she was checking a fever, but apparently was satisfied with whatever she felt. Greed let her poke around but kept a face of 'told you so' as he lifted Lan Fan's head out of Mei's reach.

"Ah- so hence the carrying thing," Ed nodded, understanding. Greed would have squirreled energy but an emergency like that would bring him to his knees.

"Hence, yes." Greed was visibly sour. Darius looked to the heavens for strength. 

Ed was not very surprised, Greed didn't like exhausting resources or himself but he'd do it if some basic conditions were met. Namely making sure everyone who wronged him and what he perceived as his were sufficiently punished. Greed wasn't very smart but effective and smart didn't hold hands much.

"Wow, Lan Fan, you really strip mined him of all usefulness, huh? Here I thought Ling was needy." Ed made sure to lock at least an eyeball at Ling while he said what he said.

Ling didn't miss his cue, "Oh, I am." 

Lan Fan had got her money's worth on the three day joyride. She paid the price for hosting the idiot so she might as well have gotten every perk he had out in a checklist. She had a stubborn set to her mouth and an overall demeanor that silently claimed she had done nothing wrong.

"A difference we have is that I am patient. Lan Fan is not, historically." Ling said it like he was deeply glad for the 'flaw'. Ed got a feeling that maybe that lack of patience saved Ling's bacon. He did pick up on the fact they both didn't have much to say on the topic of wringing Greed of usefulness. 

"Speaking of lacking patience- Meiiiii? Might we do the ritual you have planned here in the woods after all?" Ling asked. Eager didn't describe the tone he used. Greed kept quiet for once but it didn't mean that he let up on staring intensely for Mei's answer.

Mei squinted again. Al did the same thing when he needed to focus on chi stuff so Ed thought that must be what she was looking at. "No."

Ling acquiesced with a bright grin and an "Okay!" but the group took it more in the way that it really wasn't okay and he was kind of upset, actually. The way Ling was acting, Mei would almost think him hungry. Checking his chi again, it could just be in a Ling-specific particular type of way. She had on record Greed had changed him, now Greed was absent. It couldn't be good for him.

"Do you want me to botch it?" she challenged. It wasn't as 'do or die' as the time she'd brought Greed back for Ling but there was Lan Fan to think about. She'd like dear Al's opinion. And maybe schematics not drawn on forest dirt. 

"No." Ling replied quietly.

"Then we go home."

Mei had obviously noticed how bad the two wanted to slot back into place, their chi was reaching out like plants looking for sun. It wasn't all that different from how she saw Greed's before he left, now there was Ling unwittingly copying his energy patina in reverse.

A new thing was Greed -not- putting out the terror aura that he'd left with. Either he had just gone beyond it, or some real stuff had happened. A chance admitting of a life threatening concussion was only an opening remark? Mei thought it must be both.

Mei guessed Greed's mortal peril was going to be less front and center when she found them again because Lan Fan had gotten her desired thing. Lan Fan frequently went overboard until she achieved whatever her goal was, then she'd spontaneously combust. Mei always found it endearing. Had to be the minute she claimed her prize she probably flipped out. Mei resolved to pry an account of that out of Greed at a later date.

She was tempted to ask if they had experimented with putting things to rights without her and that was why Lan Fan was not begging her now. Hadn't she claimed her own undoing after a day? Those lines of questioning were a can of worms. 

Mei thought right on hug contact she was gonna get begging. If not from Lan Fan, at least from Greed?

Did he want out?

The way he hugged her and most absolutely the way him and Ling kept staring said he did? Whether Greed may or may not be all for a woods spiritual trepanning if it was absolutely necessary was up for debate? 

Mei held the final say. If it turned out to be mandatory that she drop everything she would have done it. They were stable, though, and weak. Overall, if it was only her brother's whining she had to contend with, he could wait.

He was not actively leaking much after she finished attending to him so he would be Fine. She did not need Greed burning himself to cinders to fix Ling too after already admitting Lan Fan had caught some bad luck! Mei would get /that/ whole story, too. Soon! And Ling's! Ugh! Splitting them had another problem, they could get into twice the trouble! What a /mess/!

Ling claimed he was patient then immediately started petitioning for changes in the plan. How two-faced her brother was. No Greed was present to even blame that on! Mei could take care of medical needs herself, or hold him together for a while. She'd injected raw power as a bandage even as her hands had wrapped him in clean linen. It was barely a mouthful to a man dying of thirst but it would have to do. Mei remembered that you didn't let people suffering from dehydration drink their fill or they'd get sick. She'd give him more every… hour. Now she was reminded more of how hand raising kittens (and Xiao Mei) had gone. 

Greed needed time to recover. Even if he wasn't verbally pleading it was not like she hadn't noticed a fervent gaze at her back when it wasn't locked on Ling. Unlike Ling, he had Lan Fan as a counterbalance. Mei wanted to advise her on not over sharing but it didn't look like Greed was partaking in anything. He was the expert in the specifics, she realized. He'd also be loath to hurt her.

"Lan Fan says it's okay to take your time if you think it's best," Greed stated.

Everyone braced for her obvious incoming objection to that. Notably, Ling was an exception.

It didn't come.

It was known that they had pretty much one shot to get it right when they did attempt it or at best Greed was stuck there until they could try again... It was such a low volley from the bastard, with clear undertones to rile her up. So… why wasn't she? The men were stumped while they quietly shuffled. Crow calls of early evening covered the sounds of their procession.

Mei could of course see the changeover from Lan Fan's chi pulling the spiritual equivalent of “ew ew ew ew” from a few days ago to resting comfortably but she would sit on that. She could be smug while remaining pretty noncommittal on the outside. Lan Fan was dear to her and it wouldn't do to tease. Mei would at least wait until things were back to normal.

She had been sure Lan Fan would get used to it, the weird stuff. Mei herself had. Homunculi were odd. The others she'd interacted with were a baby, a horrible eye thing, and a lizard, so why not a spikey face? (She only had Ling's crude illustrations to go on for that one.) A being that relied on wearing the husk of another? All the same branch of weird junk, as far as she was concerned.

Looks didn't matter. It was actions. Greed’s actions towards her were overwhelmingly positive. Mei had tried to tell Lan Fan that he was good in their evening chats. That Greed was a lot better than he was letting on. Mei had made her peace on Lan Fan being /stubborn/ and not letting herself be forced to see him any different by an outside party. That much had been crystal. 

Maybe it was because she was still a child with a child's open outlook but drastic changes and weird things came to Mei readily. When Ling became Ling Mk.1 and Ling Mk.2 it had actually made things easier. Rather than Ling Mk.0 which was a depressed ball that felt half assembled and ready to break.

Moving on.

She didn't need to interact with her brother to know which one he was. She felt them more by aura than anything. It was why the same face wasn't jarring to her. Ling just became the smooth and kind of hard to pin down operator he always was in the energy department with a new addition of a setting that invoked a more Do Not Be Alarmed kind of feeling.

There was also a rare very fun third option which was; 'Nobody's home right now; leave a message'. Really it was that they were busy and very distant, but it gave off a general similarity to an absent dial tone. Mei had gone back and forth on telling Lan Fan Ling could put himself into basically an advanced coma but hadn't found the right time to bring it up.

She had always thought that, like– well she wasn't going to be rude about it– but while her brother functioned, sure, he was more defined by disarray. Mostly untenable.

She had then gotten a look at who Ed dubbed ‘Langree’ and redefined what kind of mess that type of relationship could actually look like. 

Ling looked tidy in comparison.

Like, Greed was always grabby but Ling was so relaxed it balanced. Lan Fan was a cat in a bathtub at Mei’s first glance. Greed, in turn, was clamped and terrified. He'd backed off too much in some places and clawed in on others. It looked to Mei like poor Lan Fan got in a fight with spiritual curtains.

If you could hyperventilate with like... your soul, Greed had been pulling it off. 

He hadn't been too far off the mark of his temporary residence being dangerous, given how trashed they looked after roughly sixty hours. The only thing terribly surprising to Mei was those two had taken such a quick turn to being so mutual.

See, if there was a little less blood and Ling was a little less-

Ew-

-Then Mei would be accusing Greed of being at the crash and burn portion of some sort of coercive joy ride.

She didn't want to touch on the subject so soon after laying it down for a nap but Ling looking past Lan Fan in the way an octopus eyes a crab under a rock elicited a 'you gonna be okay over there?' response in her purely for Greed's sake. 

Mei brought herself parallel to Darius, smiling up at him, and leaning in to whisper behind her hand at whom he held while Ed accosted Ling for, “Shredding through all his damned crackers.”

"Are you going to be alright? Do you need anything?" She held up her hand and wiggled her fingers, "A boost?" 

Greed shook his head, "Nah. I'll be alright." He'd seen her give Ling a shot of her patented best but she could save it in case he took a turn. "As for your first question? My answer's unclear, but I'll probably have to hold him off."

Greed had joked about accidentally using Ling's soul in the transfer but that crap could go both ways. Ling knew how to tap into him just as much. 

  
  


That was another thing. Lan Fan had been very nice and not taken what he could offer even when her life was at stake. Healing was a skill that was much more unconsciously drawn upon than, say, his shield. Maybe Ling was just built differently or used to the leg up.

Greed was still on 'fumes' if they were going to be obsessed with cars but Lan Fan could tell he was better than yesterday. He had most likely turned Mei down on the grounds that he wanted her to save every scrap for Ling but Lan Fan herself would be dead to the world soon enough, and therefore not much help. She had learned to use the shield, and watched when he fixed things. Perhaps she could offer-

Nothing that time and rest won't fix. A mental wall went up, pressing in the stark 'no'. 

_ I was not going to just do it. I wanted to offer. _

And I say no. Stay conscious until I'm gone.

_ Why? You said you'd preferred it when Ling was asleep.  _

And are you Ling? Yeah he'd liked some of the freedom back at camp when Ling was quiet but that was camp and this was now.  Who knows, Ling might need something and you're good at sensing threats.

_ Mei is here and she is as proficient at that as I am. Unlike me, she can actually fight presently,  _ she said with a frustrated huff. 

If you sleep I doubt I'll be able to keep from nodding off myself. There was a huge reluctance in him to do that.

_ Alright. _

He snagged a general mumble of ‘no sleep ‘till’ and something that sounded like ‘Golden City’ in Xingese, from her. 

Wait. Where?

_ Where what?  _ It was the capital city. Where she and Ling had lived all their lives. Where Greed lived!

THOUGHT THAT WAS A NICKNAME?

_ The name of our city?! _ She asked, nonplussed. 

Could you guys have picked something with a little more pizazz? He thought that the damn name was just what people called the place, not what was official and shit! Most documents just designated the area as “The City” emphasis on ‘The’. A Lot of it was literally gold, but hell. Xing usually liked fancier nomenclature.

_ Do not put the blame on me for naming a city that’s ten times older than you are.  _ Lan Fan didn’t even know what to do with this newest disconnection. 

‘M not! Half the time I wasn’t sure whether they were talking about the city at large or the damn palace, which is also the size of a modest town on it’s own. It’s not like y’all really had tourism going on with road signs proclaiming the names of shit all over. The ONE sign we saw this trip just said ‘Capital’ and an arrow, too. So THERE. 

_ I would think you’d take more care about a place where you live and work.  _ (And rule was /almost/ implied but she was not going to throw him that bone.)  _ What about Central. Tell me how that is any better.  _

His influence in her mind bloomed and waned, another kind of non-verbal sigh.  Pops probably named the damn place and he was about as creative as an old boot. Look at his take over the world plan. Amestris sucked and that was why he didn’t live there anymore! ‘Golden City’ sounded nicer in Xingese but it was blunt. People go around calling it a name like that and then wonder why rent is through the roof. He knew better than to suggest changing it. Ling had said he could give a rat’s ass about tradition but a centuries old name was a big culture thing- Greed was pretty sure. 

He thought Xing was way better than the cardboard cutout theater dressing that Amestris was. It was mostly better. It sure did like to try and kill him way more than his old haunt. (What he got up to in Amestris was mostly brought on himself.) While the mountains of Xing were positively Gorgeous to look at from what amounted to a penthouse the size of a few city blocks, running someone’s ass up and down them hadn’t been a treat. 

He had also certainly widened the threat pool when he moved here. It was nice to have options outside of immediate family. (At least /his/ immediate family.) He got to deal with someone else’s baggage for a change! And Ling didn’t care if he threw his baggage down the stairs when 'taking care' of it! It was like he’d decided to live with an army of Gluttonys. They may have been directly hostile minute to minute but tried to take a bite out of him if he didn’t keep slapping them away. 

Darius and Heinkel individually wondered if they should even comment on the fact that this was actually the calmest long interaction with this gang of lunatics they'd ever had. Everyone (the biggest instigators) were too laid out to do shit other than be carried and make loopy small talk. It was great! Besides actually getting Ling and the poor girl, coming out to the godforsaken wilderness was worth it just for the new spectacle of cordiality alone.

Ed was trying to carry the conversation (and maybe instigate) but even that was not nearly as batshit as his usual fare. It was downright relaxing. Nearly a vacation from their vacation.

Lan Fan had been mostly speaking quietly to– well, not herself. And Ling had been eating crackers and staring and occasionally interpreting the mumblings correctly.

The two reluctant coachmen had to keep reminding themselves they didn't have to shout to who they were talking to because for once they could fucking Hear eachother without having to yell over something in the background!

The alien experience was almost civilized. What a RIOT that was.

"How far is this mythical chariot?" Ling asked kindly. 

Ed pointed almost straight ahead, "There's an actual road down this way and not mud footpaths that I suspect were started by animal migration, it ain't too far." 

Mei pursed her mouth, "I wanted to go faster and-"

"We probably could have made it closer but if we bogged the thing down in the mud I was gonna be pissed. Mei said she felt you guys close and insisted we park it and go straight up the embankment rather than, you know, find a way around," Ed finished. Nobody had fought Mei much on quickly hiding the thing offroad when they saw how antsy she was. Ed and her barreled off up the half-cliff and left the men to finish throwing some heavy branches over their rental so nobody got smart.

Mei had been worried! It ended up not as time sensitive as she thought but it was better than trying to circumvent the pass and having to push their vehicle free /as well as/ attend to injured people. How had she Known Ling was injured? 

It was just that they literally couldn't go much longer on their own rather than expedient need. Or that Lan Fan could go on but shouldn't. Doctor's orders. 

"I am glad we did what we did so you didn't get the bright non-idea to press on before nightfall. It would have been-?" Mei lead, chastising evident.

"Bad to do," Lan Fan said. Mei thought she almost caught an eye roll but Lan Fan and her were solid and it was not very often the smaller girl touted her expertise to tell her off. 

"Yes," Mei went on, "and Ling is not to walk becauusee?-?"

"You'll hogtie me," Ling himself frowned.

Tracing a circle in the air she closed her eyes resolutely, "Also correct. One hundred points." Xiao Mei copied her actions a quarter of a second behind.

"Huh looks like you're actually the leader this time because most of the group is listening!" Ed broke between the two to say to Mei.

Lan Fan may or may not have rolled her eyes but Greed sure did. "You don't got any sense or value so why would I order you around?"

Ed didn't rise to the bait, "And Mei?"

Greed, in rare form, didn't either. "Mei knows what she needs to do without any ordering from me."

Little did they both know Mei was already voted team leader on the train by Darius and Heinkel, a fact they were shutting their mouths on, so for now that power assignment would stay.

Greed could be "Leader" if he wanted, most of the group silently agreed. Same as last time! 

If Greed was going to insist on some sort of solstice gift Edward resolved that he could give him business cards with that emblazoned on the in tasteful golden script. Putting that new annoying technique on a shelf for later he circled back to Lan Fan and her general… lack. Lack of violence, lack of overt reaction. That stuff. Then again, many hours under the onus of a front row browbeating by captain henpeck would wear anyone down. No wonder Ling and his fortitude of pudding hadn’t lasted even a few seconds. 

Maybe in the interest of keeping things civil Greed had calmed down, he’d been around long enough to know where most of her lines he shouldn’t cross were. Both the palace locals were caked in enough blood to give his and Ling’s time in Gluttony’s void a real run for its money. They might be wiped out but a chipped and battered sword could still cut. 

“So, about the duds, damn did you have to go through a whole armada?” Ed asked. He felt kinda sorry that the twin kings (kong and lion) had to carry those fatal nosebleed victims. 

Greed looked contemplative, “Dunno, how much in an armada?” He tilted his head for the answer. “Navel, huh? Don’t have much experience with that. Ling?” 

“We have a few of those you know, they are just very far away,” Ling said, “An armada is about thirty six ships if I remember my studies.”

“Greed, tally. You like numbers,” Lan Fan said tiredly. She couldn’t be bothered with ‘points’. There was an enemy and now there was not. A simple enough equation. 

Greed would content himself with being ‘bothered’ by points. “And she remembers I love them numbers. Answers to you Ed, we have to clarify a few things. Which massacre are we talking about, first off? If it’s the /first/ one it was Very dark in the mountain!” He clasped his hands jovially but frowned when the metal creaked. He shook his wrist and it sounded like something within dislodged with a ‘sprang’ noise. Between that and Ling’s two arms that wouldn’t be able to be lifted very high over his head for some time he didn't know what was worse. “I’d say whatever number it was it ended up being unlucky for them, but in fairness to the relatively low count the mountain was when we got stealthy.” (He laid out in his inflection that it was only specifically that time that they had tried it quietly). “Barely collapsed any tunnels, we only had to dispatch six or...seven maybe, personally?” 

Ed looked appropriately impressed. 

Greed was smug. “Now out of the mountain in the light of day and with the warning we had already been so /kind/ to give-?”

Ling beamed wide,“It was slightly-”

“-A /tad/ more,” Greed nodded. 

Ed was slightly sickened, but still impressed. 

“I watched, you see,” Ling explained. 

“And threw a bunch of pine needles while screaming in baby jealousy over it, we heard you,” Greed reminded him. 

Take the wind out of his very deflated sails, why didn't he? “Jerk,” Ling crossed his arms and grumbled, looking away from Ed badly hiding his snicker behind fingertips. 

“So they had you in a cave then, you talk their fucking ears bloody?” Ed asked Ling. Had to be one of those labyrinth deals if Ling stayed his ass put this whole time. 

“Oh, Did! And then Greed supplied the bloody part!” 

Ed doubted anyone could tolerate Ling being that annoying for weeks, “Howd you-?”

“Faked a coma for most of it.”

“I knew it!” Mei yelled. 

“Ah. Your known proclivity for unconsciously falling at people's feet seems to have finally paid off for you, there,” Ed deadpanned. 

It was something Ling had dealt with for his entire life so what was he supposed to be? Embarrassed? “It was real for a bit so I just nursed it. You know, like playing sick for an extra day or two so you don't have to go back to school. Was really good at that!”

Ed waved a palm, “Speak for yourself. I liked school.”

Ling shook his head in disbelief. 

“Well we all didn't grow up in the lap of luxury like you. Did you even go to school?” Ed accused. He didn’t get /too/ argumentative, barely a three on the Rossi-Forel scale- or was it that newer fangled Mercalli something or other now-? He’d weigh the options on changing over to that later.

“School was a welcome distraction,” Edward said. It was that or have to help out in the fields or with some of the grandmas who couldn’t do things very good anymore. Pinako would also have had their asses if they skipped out. He did like school but in practice he did also remember he was a shitty student. There were books ordered enmasse from the city in it for them if he kept his grades up and Alphonse plied the teacher with his very best “Pwease.” He and Al had basically homeschooled themselves… until the stuff had happened... and then they sure as hell didn’t graduate. Ed had talked in class, thus where the shitty part of being a student had sprung, ‘cause how was he supposed to pay attention to fractions when he’d gotten those down pat before Al could walk? Couldn’t help things if he was understimulated! On his worst report cards he’d been called a nuisance even as Alphonse was called ‘a pleasure to have in class’. 

Teaching the other kids was alright. He remembered that his teacher was surprised he could show patience there but not when trying to improve his handwriting. (It had been trash even before he had the excuse of switching the dominant hand for quite a while.) 

Ed had started tapping on his forearms with his fingertips while muttering about seismic scales.

Seismic...? Mei was acquainted with how all her Amestrian friends tended to kinda peter off sometimes. Maybe it was just the alchemists? They were all guilty of it. She didn’t have the heart to tell Alphonse who had waxed poetic about how much easier certain things were in Xing because of ‘the movement of the earth’ and ‘ley lines’ and “Did she know about that?” that yes, she did. Their clan did. As far back as the three hundreds. And if their nearly decrepit clan records were to be believed, the Changs had actually crafted the world’s first seismic indicators themselves. It had gone on to be one of the key devices used in conjunction with the discovery and development of the dragon’s pulse. 

A shame and delight of their ‘weakest clan’ was those old glory days of pioneering much of the tautologies used in alkahestry and later- alchemy. Of course insisting on that when she was growing up would just get their asses kicked by other weak fish clans so they locked much of the knowledge away. Then again, maybe that was why their clan also produced prodigies like herself every few years. She’d had to learn much of that from elders who didn’t care what they rambled about to whom. 

In Ling’s case he knew Of school. “I had mostly tutors..?” He didn’t see it as that big of a deal, that wasn’t a rare thing, even in Edward’s country. He wouldn’t have functioned well in a standard classroom setting, but then again someone hell bent on pounding lessons into a singular person wasn’t a good fit either. (Except maybe recently, maybe he just needed to find the right kind of teacher.) His various teachers from his youth were always trying to track him down. It was an ‘opposite sides of the same problem’ kind of thing. 

Greed raised a hand much like he was in school, “Lan Fan had school! They took a finger from a boy who spoke out of turn on the first day!” He thought that was an interesting anecdote, was all school that hard core?

Ed’s reaction said it wasn’t. “... Really Lan Fan?” 

“Yes?” she asked/stated. “I graduated with all of mine so do you surmise the lesson worked?” She held up all ten fingers but pointedly did not look at her metal arm too closely. 

“Yep. I think I won out with no school,” Greed said. All these accounts, while different, were anathema to how he preferred to function. 

“You might have at the time but I just have to teach you now, is the thing,” Ling sighed. 

“Aw shut up you walking sunk cost fallacy. It's nice to take a break and learn something so it's not just me holding /your/ hand through politics and economics all damn day. Remind me to teach you how to do the basics on a whole damn language in weeks if it comes up.” Greed was tetchy about his shortcomings. “By the way, speaking of learning shit, stroke order is stupid.” Amestrian you just wrote the damn letter however you wanted and moved the fuck on. (Spelling was another thing entirely.) But having to do the bits in a specific order too? 

Ling’s brows folded down. “No it is not.”

“Yes it is. Darius, move me closer so I can hit him.” Darius actually made sure to put six inches more between them. Greed reached out with weak swipes across the divide between their two bodies. There was another thing about being separate! Ling usually couldn’t get away from him if he had an itch to lay hands!

Lan Fan apparently had something to actually add. “Greed, stroke order is not ‘stupid’, it is so you can remember them better and construct a good shape.”

He stopped digging at the air and blinked. “Oh.”

“It is also why my lord cannot remember the important ones.”

“Hey! I know the important ones…” Ling did not sound as confident as he did with most everything else he talked about ever. 

She looked at her lord, blank as a new scroll. "Luxurious."

Ling held up a pointer finger, traced a few things in the air hesitantly, shook his head, chewed his nail, then shook his head again. “Cheating. That one is hard.” His visual library was still a sight better than Greed’s so he’d take that victory over this defeat! “We’ll focus more on that going forward. It would be better if Greed didn't have to kick me awake because he forgot how to write ‘clean’”

“Most people don’t even bother writing it out fully!”

“Most people aren’t masquerading as the emperor writing official orders,” Lan Fan submitted dispassionately. 

Greed ignored her, “It's easier to find shit when you're awake, I don't know where our dictionary went, and if you Remember you forgot the last time too. Hence me awakening you from your precious rest to double check.”

Ling had forgotten that. He turned his nose up. 

Greed had scored a touch. “Huh, interestingly quiet, aren’t ya? Hey Lan Fan may I— oh thank you, now I know /both/ of those!” Lan Fan found calligraphy restful, which both the Emperor and the homunculus found quietly demented. 

"Do you know where our dictionary went?" he asked her. It was special because it had all sorts of notes and annotations in it from his and Ling’s horrible lessons. She did not. “Ah can't win them all.” It would turn up somewhere unexpected for sure. 

All these specific tiffs about differences and Greed hadn’t even known initially that her name even came with a space for a Long while. How he had pronounced it in those early days confirmed her even earlier suspicions that he did not, saving her from even asking. 

He must have found out when Ling likely finally tried to tactfully correct him because he blurted out for her to hear, “Your first name isn’t Lan?” to which she had been required to waste time to call him an idiot. He argued that if it had a space that meant it had to be two names. Her rebuttal of “What about things like ‘Ann Marie’ to localize the distinction to him in a showing of altruism was met with; “That’s two names.” 

My reasoning was sound at the time.

_ Sound as swiftly melting ice.  _ “You were well on your way to a child’s grasp of Xingese at the time of you asking me about it.” He had also been around her for at least a month. 

The entire group was well used to slight changes in the discussion. Ed kept quiet because he didn’t command even a child’s grasp presently. Except with alkahestry terms. And rude tenses. 

“Yeah and that didn’t mean anything! Ling’s got the one, a lot of people have the one!’ 

“I got the one!” Ling had the one.

“Yeah so I dunno! Best way to get around the culture shock was not to take things for granted!” Greed had tried to be careful and ask things, he disliked being embarrassed as a rule.

Ling had written her name many times before and had argued he should have known from that while he tried to discreetly correct Greed before he got his head bit off. Greed had just shot right back that spaces were perfunctory and how was he to trust them after all the shit with surnames. 

“Spaces smaces, I barely saw punctuation in the fancier shit, WHICH WAS MOST OF THE SHIT YOU WERE TEACHIN’ ME OFF. Fucking NIGHTMARE.” Official documents were the things that were handy when they started to try but they also were the things that were especially thorny, it wasn’t like Ling could borrow picture books from Mei- she’d long aged out of anything like that. And, at the time, they both didn’t wanna bother Lan Fan for her secret books. Most were in Amestrian anyway. 

Greed liked and missed commas as well as the many other contrivances of the Amestrian language! Nothing wrong with a good sprinkling of commas! “When you brought out brushes I knew I was fucking /doomed/.” 

Ling winced with the memory. It had indeed been all downhill from there and a /lot/ of frustrated nights. “And yet you learned so nicely?” He’d been a quick study. Quicker than the first few months of Ling teaching him how to fight, for sure. But, Ling supposed, that was the difference between wanting to learn and only beginning because you are being forced at gunpoint.

“I learned so I didn’t have to beg, ya twit.” Pride was a shitty sibling but an Excellent motivator. The original name tiff had ended when he realized that calling Lan Fan ‘Lan’ was like calling him ‘Gre’. Not much sense there, as nicknames went. Boss was probably his favorite of those that he’d picked up and she wouldn't use that!

Lan Fan kept to herself that both his majesty and Greed would answer to ‘idiot’. It was not flattering to the other as much as she liked to use it on the one. Then again Greed would also respond to “Ling” half the time too due to months of forest travel with Ed being a stubborn asshole throughout the duration. 

“I’m still kinda pissed about Fullmetal,” Ed volunteered, looking to give his own fair shake. It was better now that his brother didn’t look like he fit the title but to make that happen Ed himself had needed to drop the second part of the title on his own. Those were the breaks. How he didn’t guess Bradley had some connection to the other homunculi just based on ability to irritate the fuck out of him with stunts like naming him was beyond Ed.

Darius and Heinkel didn’t say a word, lest the gaggle of teens start using any of the terrible names they had thought up for them.

“Beast is a shit title,” Greed said. Al sucked. He needed to do better next time. Couldn’t he have thought of anything better to call Greed when he was grey, and pointy, and hiding his identity in that basement that time he got kidnapped? Greed praised the kid for being a quick thinker and now he had to roll with something that /generic/ when he went and played fixer for Ling and his shit. It was way too late to try and disseminate something else through the rumor mill now. 

Ling pressed all five of his fingertips together on each hand. “I like it! It is like ‘beast of burden’. Get it? Because you like to call me ‘Burden’ all the time! Like an asshole!” He started clean enough but rounded off a touch withering.

Mei liked the names her brothers called her. Once Greed got the meaning ‘little sister’ was a popular favorite, it having sort of the same sound as her name repeated. Of course repeating the repetition as ‘Mei Mei Mei Mei’ usually meant ‘I am in trouble please help’. 

Greed was the big nicknamer, Lan Fan called her lord ‘young lord’ often but it was more from habit and that was usually an exception to the rule. Now Greed, Greed had Tons! Lan Fan had said to not use her name so he’d thought of a basketful to replace it. Bao head was just a newer addition to the pile! 

_Call me that again and see what it gets you._

Bun.

_ No. _

Stress powered automaton.

_ /No./ _

Malicious Shadow.

-

Ooo silent on that one-?

_ No. _

OH DON'T SAY NO NOW!

She had to think. There was a very real fear of giving him an inch in this new game they were playing.

How about "No"?

_ N- _

Greed and her stared at each other as much as they could, which was not really. Greed laconically broke the gap in their back and forth first, claiming the touch but not dwelling.

Ling answers to whatever, like a pet. Watch: "BASTARD." He said it with the same delivery that Lan Fan would hear cavalry men talk to their horses.

Ling looked over attentively, "Yes?"

"Just proving a point, go back to doin' whatever."

Ling went back to doing whatever.

Mention food and he’s also there like a begging dog. Look away for a fucking second and your plate is empty.

Lan Fan was acquainted with that predilection of his, though it was a not so common instance that any of her food would be stolen.

"'Kay, I'll play," Ed said evenly. He stole some of whatever Ling had started to eat and jabbed a couple fingers at him, "Homunculus receptacle." Two heys followed. "I can do better, I think. Trash can and trash bag," he gestured to Ling then Greed.

Two heys rung out again, half an octave louder.

He had to put Ling in his place, no matter what kind of power he held. Mustang would probably be Fuher someday so it stood to reason Edward should start getting his jollies on insulting world powers now, get some good practice in. Ling, the fucker, was dumb– but mostly only when he wanted to be.

For claiming that he "Did not speak this country's language" well he was awfully comfortable bandying about words like 'exorbitant'. On the other used-to-have-been-metal-but-now-isn't hand he also would spend half an hour trying to remember things in both languages he used most often.

Sitting at camp back in Amestris trying to wrestle the word of 'something that is like a cup but not a flagon and not a stein. No it has a handle. No, smaller. It has coffee usually.' out of his own memory. Remembering it was a mug, and then wondering why a language would have a word that could mean cup with a handle and also steal. 

Way later when Ed finally took a crack at Xingese (mostly to know when people were shit talking) he thought Ling the biggest fucking fount of hypocrisy running. Ling walked around like Amestrian sucked and then had the gall not to mention how much he'd have to know what the fuck a diphthong was. God he was gonna kill him. The fucking inflection of the word changing the entire meaning, who on earth designed that obtuse bullshit?

Ling realizing his own mea culpa did not expect Ed would ever want to learn. He made the grave mistake of forgetting that even though he acted like a meathead most of the meat in his head was filled with books. 

Ed defied much of basic categorization. It was hard to keep track of what was up with him.

"You all sound crazy," Mei said.

"You name your kunai." Ed had somehow gotten his hands on the one that Mei had given Lan Fan earlier in the week and saw the name carved on it, Mei snatched it from him before he got the brave idea to play 'keep away'. "In fact you name everything /long/ names around here for no reason. Surprised Xing is only Xing." 

"Means 'prosperous', I don't want to hear 'boo' from you, Xerxes knock off. No prosperous country over there for sure." Greed would defend his new home turf. His dad couldn't even think of something to name the place that didn't have literal direct ties to the country that had gotten wiped off the map, choosing the wife of the ancient warrior the maligned city had been named on for his own.

"Yeah! Central! What kind of name is that?!' Ling piled on.

_ Hmph. _

I don't live there anymore! Greed reiterated for Lan Fan’s grunt of ‘See!’. 

Ed had no great love for Amestris on a large scale but Ling could go kick rocks. "Oh get off your high gorilla you mouthpiece. Back to why you suck. You gave me shit all those times about homonyms and then you just conveniently gloss over you don't have PLURALS!" 

Darius stiffened, if he wasn't holding someone grievously injured he'd drop that person to clout Ed good. 

Ling's eyebrows went up, he kept himself reasonable and kind while he said, "We have plurals, you simply mark them with-"

"KNOW HOW WE DO PLURALS, WE ADD 'S'"

"Deer." Ling laid his hands restfully in his lap.

Greed coughed a belly laugh.

"SHUT UP. SO WE DROP THE 'S' SOMETIMES."

"Mice."

"SHUT UP."

"Your language is all exceptions to rules that are exceptions," Ling sighed. Sessions with his tutors had been long and very very uphill, he'd wondered at the time why they bothered teaching languages of countries that were not allowed to visit but it seemed to be a cocktail of pride and mostly the fact that Amestris, despite being a fetal magnate, was very hungry. 

"I like it," Greed interjected "'Sgot character to it don'tca think so, Ling?" 

"You inject a lot of character into everything Greed," he answered primly. He did so quite literally much of the time.

Greed mulled over where he stood. He was in an odd camp because he'd like to side with Ling totally to piss Ed off, but damn was Xingese a bitch. Now latin, there'd been a language musty as shit but foreboding! Good for curses! Like "Scratch my back I'll scratch yours," was all good but 'quid pro quo' just had that /something/. Nobody thought gorilla gorilla gorilla was as funny as he did when he first said it, Darius least of all. Plebians.

Ed told a few more stories about school back home because no other young adult (and Greed) had much reference for them and therefore found them very exotic. There hadn't been enough kids in his village to facilitate grades, they just all went to the same classroom and learned in levels, the more astute or older set helping to reign in the younger. Winry had been a whiz at math and the sciences just like the brothers but if you asked her to string words together for a poem you'd get something near unintelligible. Ed quoted a few he remembered with the caveat that if anyone breathed a word back to her he'd dislodge his leg and beat them with it. Al was the poet among the three and even he wasn't very good. 

Ling and Mei were similarly raised one on one, though Mei was self taught with her talents a few aunts had gotten the ball rolling on her general education. Reading was alright, that was where she'd gotten the records of her clan's history, desperate for material in her small village. Writing- her handwriting wasn't the best, but paper had been expensive and the ink was made from soot. Much of her first months back in Xing were spent improving her court manners and redoing her script on the sly. 

Lan Fan probably had the closest standard schooling experience next to Ed's rural and short stint. Ed wanted to compare notes. "So yours was more vocational?" He asked after explaining to Greed that generally people all started the same and if they wanted to branch out went /back/ for secondary education in a field of study. Greed hated it, citing that he'd take his school of hard knocks and cribbing off of someone else's experiences any day.

Lan Fan looked thoughtful, "If we did not fight and win we did not eat that day and it would be harder to win the next."

She had learned very well how to kill things at that school and she was also killing the conversation. 

That was not what Ed had meant when he said vocational! Even the chimeras grunted a "Yeesh."

Greed tried to salvage the rotting corpse. "KIDS HAD TOYS RIGHT? DID YOU HAVE TOYS, TELL ME ABOUT THE TOYS." Mei had tons of toys, but that was one sample.

Ed was skittery after his innocuous question last time, "Ball?" Ball was safe. A faithful one, there. 

Ling nodded, "Ball."

Mei even had a ball! It was a bladder- but still!

Lan Fan did not say anything.

Everyone waited expectantly.

"YOU ARE NOT GOING TO LIKE IF I SAY IT SO I WILL NOT, DO NOT LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT." 

There was the temper flair. Ed had been worried for her. "Was it a stick or just nothing?"

"That is a discredit to Fu," Ling said slowly.

"GIVE THE MAN SOME CREDIT." Greed would defend his country and also Ling's caretaker before he got there. He might have only known him to yell at him but he kinda deserved it back then. Ling's memories painted a nicer picture.

She had some toys but nothing she played with for very long. The things she played with, her real toys, were also maybe things that were not things children should have. She liked them the best. It was fine. She hadn't lost much skin to them so it was fine.

"Pinwheel," she finally said. There, that should-

"Did it have a knife in it?" her lord asked. Strange that she suddenly hadn't heard the contents of the question and was busy looking at… trees.

Ling wasn't gonna let her gloss. "Lan Fan. Lan Fan look at me when I ask you a question of relative importance." He hated the way he said that, it reminded him way too much of his tutors. He backed off a little. "I am not ordering. I am genuinely concerned?"

"You asked what I had. I had a pinwheel." She would never willfully lie to her lord. So she wouldn't.

"Lan Fan… I put that in my mouth when I balanced on that wagon wheel we found."

She glanced to the side, "and if you had depressed the side button-"

"IT DID HAVE A KNIFE? WHY DID FU GIVE YOU THAT?"

"Birthday." 

Mei didn't think much was wrong here. Ed had his face in his hands. Darius and Heinkel didn't think protective services existed in this country. Ling should get on that. Greed had been watching in judgemental silence. "Ling, I'm feeling like you're just jealous and not like, horrified?" There had been something to how he said it.

"Well yes, of course? She always got the knives early! I got my first set nearly a year later! Way past my birthday!" Ling looked confused on why Greed was asking.

"It was why I did not tell you about the pinwheel, you would have complained for weeks."

"I woulda! Where did it go, anyway?"

Greed got a macabre image of it sticking out of someone's head region. Lan Fan weathered the full body shiver that it produced. "It served the purpose for how it was made," she said. 

"YOU ALL ARE FREAKS!" How come kids from wildly different backgrounds all were like this, what the fuck.

"Oh where is your childhood then, homunculus?" Lan Fan asked sullenly. How could he judge?

"LOW BLOW," Greed snarled, "Mei, please, you're normal? Right?"

Playing with a loop of her braid Mei wondered what 'normal' could mean in this context "I raised myself. And Xiao Mei."

Xing was out! Who else did he know? Al was way out! What about Winry, they were more acquaintances, though there had been a few letters. No. Ed had told Ling some shit. Fuck. "Uh, uh, uhhhh, Oh the military! That Hawkeye girl!"

Lan Fan took back control, "Had you not seen her back? It may not be my place to say but when we bathed she thought it appropriate to tell me-"

Greed stopped her cold, "Fuck! Horseboy?"

Ed knew this one! "Adopted, raised in cathouse."

"WHAT IS /WRONG/ WITH YOU PEOPLE?" Greed didn't fucking get it. His old gang… well you didn't get to be experimented on by the military to have a good life beforehand. They had picked them based on the fact that they'd had no ties back home to come lookin’... Now he was just gonna get morose. Heinkel had drifted close enough that Ling was able to hand Greed what appeared to be a caramel.

It was Ed's turn to be thoughtful. "I know kind of how to make a person but I think I figured out how to make a good alchemist."

"What?" Greed asked, knowing full well he was gonna regret it.

"Trauma."

-

The moon, bright and butter yellow, was visible. Ed had burs on the ends of his cloak. Mei's white pants were stained near the cuffs with mud flecks. Xiao Mei was laying on her shoulder, tuckered out. 

Ed had stuff to say on how Greed endeavored to be so relaxed, namely /how/, mainly. His feet hurt. He wondered how Alphonse was. "Lan Fan? Just letting him have the run of it, I see. How the mighty have fallen to 'corruption'." It was daring of Ed, really.

Greed had been freely pulling information from her all this last leg of the slog, that was true, but that was a far sight than letting him do what he willed. "I see no problem when it is... no skin off my nose. Exchanging information is 'free'." She even borrowed an idiom.

It sure as hell shut Ed right up. Even Greed was surprised. Sure the general sentimate had gone that way lately but it was one thing to say the fucking gooey things in your brain and another to imply them to Ed. He thought her secretive to a fault.

_ What, they already can guess. It is not like you or my lord will be quiet about it later. Mei is staring at us in that way she does. _

Darius was saying something about "somewhere down there," but they weren't paying attention.

About what? Lan Fan would think it some sort of lead but no. He was really that dumb.

_ You know. The frie- _

Ah ah. You know how we are with that word! In any case that's already old news to me so if they're slow that's on them, he grinned brighter than the moon overhead.

What an embarrassment.  _ Try and keep it... under.. um. Your?  _ Ling had the hat.  _ Teeth? This saying does not work. _

It's why I usually have a vest so I can use that version.

_ Oh, a vested interest. I see. _

Greed's silence was full as their bag had been at the start of thie trip.  _ Greed? _

Hold- just hold on, I'm - somethin's in my eye, I'm-

And sometimes you pretend to buckle under the joy of a pun so you dont bring up that youd do pretty much anything this dumb girl asked you to. (*) (**)

*She has difficulty asking for things so you're not too worried.

**Most of your goals are pretty similar and this is an easier benchmark to make because one of those things she could potentially ask is Not "leave forever", he was sure about that one now. 

-

There was a glint of a bumper under leaf litter and branches. Heinkel held Ling clumsily with one arm as he checked a pocket with a slap and held the same empty hand out for the keys. 

Ling slowly deposited them in his large palm like he for sure intended to the entire time. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Addressing signs to the captial, roads, rome, etc.
> 
> Their writing argument references very real very difficult kanji that suck to write.
> 
> Personal but popular headcanon is that Ed goes on to teach later in life.


End file.
